Bleacher Report - Articles by Gerry McDonnell

Giant Anteater Devours Small Man

Gerry McDonnell — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 23:30:03 -0400

I may exude confidence in the betting arena, but when it comes to relationships I’m somewhat insecure. It takes me a long while to reach the stage where I feel comfortable enough with a partner to move things on to a physical level.

When the time does finally arrive, I’m often so overcome with emotion that I’ll gently shed a few tears. Although this may just be a reaction to the mace.

I take after my old man for exhibiting these idiosyncratic traits. He used to drive me mad by asking a question then immediately answering it himself. One example was: “Son, what do you call a deep hole sunk into the earth to obtain water…well?”

He also displayed a stubborn streak. He once asked me to name a Spanish football ground that we could visit together, and he wouldn’t take "Nou" for an answer.

After visiting Spain, we moved on to Turkey to buy gifts. There were people selling bits and bobs on little market stalls—it was bizarre.

He also took me to visit his sister in New Zealand. She taught me all about the birds and the bees—it was something of an anticlimax.

My worst experience abroad was undoubtedly when I fell out with the owner of a late-night entertainment complex in Amsterdam. I was trying to explain to him why England is a far superior country to Holland, while simultaneously enjoying the company of a stoned girl who could have passed for Ruud Van Nistelrooy’s sister. The apoplectic proprietor told me to get off my high horse.

My unpleasant experiences abroad have led to an increasingly apathetical attitude towards international football. I’m not alone though; the only people who find this form of the game exciting are those who reside in a private room, spending their days watching the Back to the Future trilogy, wearing only a jacket that utilises the latest in arm-retention technology.

As well as being about as entertaining as a BBC sitcom, international football should be treated with disdain due to the involvement of Sepp Blatter. The increasingly ridiculous tool made a fool out of himself again this week when he claimed that buying a football club is as easy as buying a jersey. I can’t see you being charged half a billion pound for an England shirt—unless Dave Whelan is back at JJB.

I probably will succumb and watch England roll over Kazakhstan, just to see how Theo Walcott plays. I haven’t been this excited about a teenager since Ruud’s sister gave me tulips in Amsterdam.

David Bentley must be feeling a right plank for suggesting that Walcott should leave Arsenal to further his career. If Theo wanted to hear the opinion of an idiot, he’d ring up Chris Waddle.

Bentley blames Juande Ramos for his omission from the England squad. He should be pointing the finger at Capello—damn these Italian know-it-alls with their years of experience of winning trophies by only selecting good footballers.

I need to raise funds for my next trip abroad, so I’ll happily stake one point on Slovenia to beat Northern Ireland at even money. The winnings will go into a kitty to pay for a trip to Australia—it’ll be a unique experience for me to go deep into the bush.

I’m a Berby Girl…Ouch

Gerry McDonnell — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 00:16:11 -0400

It may appear unfair to a cynical minority, but nepotism remains as common as Coleen McLoughlin. I certainly have my father to thank for my first job—he was a kerb-crawler.

Dimitar Berbatov also has his father to thank for his career. His Dad instilled a passion for team sports.

Terry Venables has tried to make Berbatov a scapegoat in the current crisis engulfing Tottenham. Personally, I can only point the finger at Levy and Comolli; they’ve left Ramos with the most useless pair up front since Kylie Minogue.

Venables still has friends amongst certain sections of the press, but I would trust him about as far as I could throw Frank Lampard. If Tel told me it was raining, I’d have to look out of the window before letting the bint back in the house.

One United player who does deserve criticism is Ronaldo. The Portuguese ladyboy earned another contentious penalty last week after collapsing like Judy Finnegan’s breasts.

Rob Styles definitely erred when he apologised to Bolton for his decision to award United an advantageous penalty. There’s now a mountain of correspondence for Mike Riley to catch up on.

I do agree with the decision not to punish Styles for his controversial clampdown on the fair tackle. Demotions should only be considered if a referee sends off John Terry.

The standard of officiating is at such a woeful level; referees will even award a phantom goal when the ball doesn’t go between the two posts. It is difficult to comprehend, but it does explain Robbie Keane’s fifteen goal tally last season.

It’s now reached the stage where games should only be refereed by ex-footballers, although that does discriminate against Robbie Savage.

There’s only one thing I dislike in life more than Savage, and that’s drink-driving. Whenever I’m behind the wheel, I top up my alcohol level intravenously.

I don’t want to preach to Carlton Cole, but you should never take the wheel while intoxicated—unless it’s a relatively short journey.

Steven Pienaar has also found himself in trouble with the filth this week when he was arrested for an assault on a woman. Whenever he finishes his football career, I’ve got a few odd jobs for him.

There was better news for Pienaar when it was revealed that Everton have been targeted by the sixth richest man in the world. This may well lead to a conflict of interests for Rio Ferdinand.

Rio should invest some of his considerable wealth on Tottenham to beat the massively overachieving Hull by two or more goals at 3.30. Tottenham may be as impotent as Melanie Chisholm’s boyfriend when sobriety arrives, but if they can’t ease past Hull in front of their own supporters they should rename the ground "White Flag Lane".

You simply have to join me in staking one point on this incredible investment opportunity. I’m going to have to behave like Dimitar Berbatov’s dad on this one—I won’t take "no" for an answer.

Hel Bent For Leather

Gerry McDonnell — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 23:30:43 -0400

No man is an island, with the possible exception of Frank Lampard.

We all crave companionship, but I crossed the line in my pursuit of Helen Chamberlain. I sneaked in to the Soccer AM studios and took a few unauthorised photos to publish on my website. I’ve now been charged with intent to distribute obscene material.

I definitely wouldn’t have been so obsessed with the dilapidated presenter if the wife had dished out a little more pie. In her defence, she has picked up a nasty rash in an area that makes such behaviour problematic—it’s the most irritating twat since Michel Platini.

Thankfully, the Sporting Chance clinic cured me of my desire to pursue antique television personalities. I was initially wary about following the twelve-step recovery program, as it meant embracing religious doctrine. I’m all for loving your fellow man—as long as it doesn’t stray into Joey Barton territory.

The ninth-step was undoubtedly the most embarrassing: I had to make amends for previous misdemeanours. I emailed Helen to apologise for leaving a steaming turd in her dressing room—although he did go on to present his own cookery programme.

During my stay at the Sporting Chance clinic, I met up with a number of other tortured souls. Footballers often turn to alcohol or drugs to break the monotony, but the losers I met were not among those fortunate few.

John Terry seeked professional help to come to terms with that dramatic day last summer, when he cried like a slapped baby. He’ll probably never recover from that announcement of increased immigration.

Rio Ferdinand also popped in for a short stay, to receive treatment for his increasingly rabid temper tantrums. The staff tried to give him a little something to help mellow him out—but his body has built up a tolerance.

Rio’s apoplectic, discombobulated rage at Stamford Bridge last week led to a number of Chelsea fans raining missiles upon the United team coach. Rio remained unusually cool under fire though—it’s not the first time he’s been stoned.

I also met Mike Ashley during my stay, as he tried to recover from losing £300m through poor investments. The poor sod has had a level £10 on Tottenham each week.

Mad Mike should have left Spurs out of potential wagers until Pavlyuchenko settles down. The Russian is still unnerved after being warned about "dark-skinned" people who live in the area—John Terry should never have got involved.

If Pavlyuchenko proves a flop, Spurs should make a move for Michael Owen. The wee hitman can be bought for £4m in January—that’s just one fifth of a Keane or an eighth of a Berbatov. I think it’s slightly more than an eighth actually, I’ll email Rio Ferdinand for confirmation.

Frank Lampard is the latest big name to seek help in his ongoing battle against obesity. I’d advise Frank to throw up after every large meal—I’ve got a few pictures of Helen Chamberlain that could help him out.

I’ll have my head between two knees when my one point investment on Wigan to beat Manchester City at 12/5 proves fruitful.

Ade and a Bet

Gerry McDonnell — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 23:33:55 -0400

Even though I’m the proud owner of a Y chromosome, I love reality TV. I even applied for ‘Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’, but I didn’t fancy wearing a white suit.

I had a much better time on ‘The X Factor’. As soon as I looked deep into Cheryl Tweedy’s eyes, I instantly knew there was something between us—it was eleven security guards.

I blame myself for not making it through to the boot camp—I told the judges that my parents were still alive. I should have told them that my old man had passed on—it’ll be true if he mentions last week’s Newcastle tip again.

A number of years ago, Paul McCartney and I swapped partners for a programme that would revolutionise TV. The format was still in its infancy then, so the pilot of ‘Wife-Beater Swap’ was never aired.

I thoroughly enjoyed my time with Heather Mills. I have to admit that I couldn’t keep up with her in the bedroom, which was somewhat ironic.

The wife was mostly disappointed by her stay with Paul, as she’s a big meat-eater. She said the Dung Beatle was a perfect gentleman though, until he had a Stella.

Adrian Chiles has reality television to thank for allowing the general public to become accustomed to seeing people who would normally only be employed on Halloween.

Chiles recently won first place in a Carlos Tevez look-alike competition, finishing narrowly ahead of Carlos Tevez.

The Brummie does have a pleasant personality, even taking into account the fact that his accent ensures that your thumb is always hovering over the mute button. He’s like Frank Skinner, only with fresher gags.

Chiles may be evolution’s error, but he does have a genuine love of football; so he’s the ideal candidate to present a new reality TV show: ‘The King of the Castle’.

Each week, Mike Ashley would set all applicants for the Newcastle manager’s job a series of hypothetical tasks. If any of the participants crack under the pressure by playing Wayne Rooney on the wing or paying over £7m for Robbie Keane, then they’re either fired or employed as Dennis Wise’s taxi driver.

The only possible flaw with the plan is that Ashley might sell his stake in the club before the show can be made. One bright spark has suggested that 30,000 locals each donate £1,000 to purchase the club themselves. I would have thought that a Geordie with over a grand to spare would no longer live in Newcastle.

All members of the Toon Army who are trying to raise cash should invest in Sunderland to beat Middlesbrough at 7/5. If my one point investment goes down, I’ll be more embarrassed than Adrian Chiles’ girlfriend.

A Cute Little Growler

Gerry McDonnell — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 23:33:49 -0400

In many ways I’m like a dwarf—I find it hard to put my hand in my pocket.

I never waste money on a newspaper and only the promise of naked pictures of Cheryl Tweedy would lead me to splash out on a magazine.

I may be a little mean, but I’m nowhere near as tight as Dimitar Berbatov. While celebrating his move to Old Trafford, the frugal frontman refused to buy a copy of The Big Issue.

My heart went out to a clearly devastated Robbie Savage.

Sir Alex may have to make some tough decisions now that Berbatov, Tevez, and Rooney are all vying for a starting role. Three into two simply does not go, unless it’s a Ronaldo house party.

If I was Fergie—and I drink enough to make a passing resemblance—I’d sell Wayne Rooney.

The big lad may have played reasonably well against Croatia in midweek, but that performance is merely papering over the cracks. You can put lipstick on a pig—but you should never marry her in Italy.

Rooney’s fall from grace has been dramatic. When he first burst on to the scene, he looked like the next Alan Shearer—now it looks like he’s just eaten him.

I can trace the beginning of the decline to Wayne’s honeymoon, where it emerged that he enjoyed a sneaky fag. Cheryl Tweedy was reportedly devastated.

I too used to partake in a crafty cigarette after making love, but I had to quit when they introduced a no smoking policy in the morgue.

I now only smoke when I’m knocked back for sex, so I’m stubbing more ash than Lee Chapman.

If United do decide to sell Rooney, their wealthy neighbours will be in the frame to sign him. City have passed their first official test as a mega-rich club; they’ve wasted millions on Shaun Wright-Phillips.

The signing of Robinho for £32m was a much better piece of business, and it’s rumoured that Fernando Torres may be next. Torres would jump at the chance to play alongside the skilful Brazilian—he currently looks at Robbie Keane and gently weeps.

Robbie is still reeling after his penthouse flat was targeted by burglars. It’s not the first case of a robbery in Liverpool, Spurs recently got away with £20m.

While Manchester City spend money like it’s going out of fashion, Mike Ashley holds on to his cash like it’s a steak and kidney pie.

Newcastle supporters intend to protest against Ashley and his angry midget sidekick Dennis Wise. The Toon Army haven’t been this riled since Freddie Shepherd described the local women as "dogs". Cheryl Tweedy is certainly not a "dog", although she does have a cute pair of puppies.

Even factoring in the shenanigans at St James’ Park, I’m convinced that Newcastle are overpriced at 7/10 at home to Hull. I’ll be staking one point, and I expect to be celebrating like Cheryl Tweedy’s gynaecologist.

Egg and Chips: Por Favor Grasos

Gerry McDonnell — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 00:31:16 -0400

It infuriates me when people are judged on their appearance.

Rafa Benitez may be a tubby mess, but opposing supporters do not have the right to abuse him based on appearance.

The Aston Villa supporters went well over the top with their "Fat Spanish Waiter" banner.

Admittedly, he is carrying a few extra stones, and he’s certainly Spanish; but his career as a waiter ended years ago, when he was fired for rotating the starters.

I’m not suggesting that all criticism is unjust; but it should only be directed at his tactical ineptness.

Rafa made an error of title-blowing proportions last week when he replaced Torres with Ngog—while Keane and Kuyt looked on incredulously from the wings.

You simply can’t put square pegs in round holes, as my three-month suspended sentence ultimately confirmed.

The Holte End have an understandable dislike of Benitez after his woeful handling of the Gareth Barry transfer saga.

Courting a new player is a lot like investing in late night female entertainment—you’re asking for trouble if you only offer half of the fee plus Steve Finnan.

While Benitez miraculously clings on to his post, the equally inept Kevin Keegan appears to have parted company with Newcastle.

Mike Ashley’s lack of ambition was probably the straw that broke the camel’s back—although a drunken Joey Barton was seen in the vicinity of the camel shortly before the injury occurred.

Keegan appeared to be tottering on the edge last weekend, when he berated the Arsenal players for their behaviour towards the recently imprisoned Barton. Gael Clichy did nutmeg the controversial midfielder, but Barton’s legs are spread so wide these days that it’s practically inevitable.

England is in much better shape under Don Fabio Capello. Capello doesn't respect reputations, as displayed in England’s last match where he bravely selected both Lampard and Gerrard.

Harry Redknapp quickly laid into Capello after that match, but has retracted since. “I don’t even know what laying is,” claimed the increasingly twitchy soon-to-be ex-Pompey manager.

Capello is definitely personality. He once told Paolo Di Canio that his face looked like a penis. He could say the same about Joey Barton: after all, you are what you eat.

Fabio is probably grateful that Jamie Carragher is no longer available for selection. Fabio is used to dealing with a footballer who resembles a penis—but he hasn't had any experience with a penis who resembles a footballer.

Even if Carragher hadn’t bottled out of international football, I doubt if Capello would have picked him. Fabio would have blanked him like he was a tax bill.

George Burley is something of an enigma. He’s a Scot who basically won the lottery when he was allowed to work in England, but he made the incredible decision to move back to Scotland.

That’s like a blind man regaining his sight, then asking a cigar-smoking Joey Barton how his brother is.

Backing England against Andorra doesn’t appeal at the odds, and I can’t get excited about Scotland’s chances in Macedonia, so I’ll stake one point on Slovakia at home to Northern Ireland at 10/11.

FIFA’s world rankings currently have Northern Ireland above the Slovaks, but I expect that to last about as long as Joey Barton’s pillow.

Beijing 2008: Shake It on the Chin

Gerry McDonnell — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 23:43:51 -0400

The Olympic Games have been a real disappointment. The only event that I was desperate to watch was the diving, but it turned out to be just a few lunatics jumping into a pool.

My tissues did come in handy when Paula Radcliffe limped over the line in the marathon—that was pure comedy gold.

Britain has tasted success in the fringe sports, but we never even competed in the sprinting. We should have told Rio Ferdinand that a drug test was imminent.

The best thing about the Games is that they allow sportsmen to get a glimpse of fame and a chance at corporate sponsorship. This could be a real life-changer for Rafael Nadal.

Now, I’m not the type of person who takes pleasure in criticising others—I’m all about spreading love (and chlamydia). But China should never have been allowed to host the event.

The Chinese government famously flattened up to 3,000 students at Tiananmen Square in 1989. Such behaviour is unforgivable—there were approximately 100,000 students taking liberties at the time.

The country has no real redeeming features, other than a "Great" Wall. I absolutely refuse to bestow greatness on a collection of bricks unless they’re dividing England from Scotland.

It’s widely believed that you can see the wall from the moon, but that’s a complete fallacy. The only thing visible from that distance is John Terry’s sense of self-importance.

China does have nice areas though, particularly Tibet. Knife crime is practically unheard of over there, but chopstick attacks are through the roof.

My opinions are probably influenced by the fact that I was once in love with a young Chinese lady. She could do things with a ping-pong ball that you wouldn’t believe—she was a two-time table tennis champion.

I was absolutely heartbroken when she split up with me, and I married the wife on the rebound. Something about Betty reminded me of my former love—Chin Tu Fat.

My heart will always be with Chin, but my cash is firmly on Blackburn to beat Hull—I’ll happily stake one point at 4/6.

EPL: Weekend Tips / A Lazy "Worst Of" Compilation

Gerry McDonnell — Wed, 07 May 2008 23:48:43 -0400

Saying goodbye to the football season is very much like giving birth to a ginger child: after nine months of optimism, hope and anguish, you’re left with a genuine feeling of disappointment.

The final day is often emotional. Who could forget Arsenal pipping Liverpool to the title in 1989? Well sadly, my old man. In fact, if you see a small befuddled pensioner roaming the streets, you’ll be better off avoiding football trivia altogether; senility is no picnic.

I’m absolutely devastated that I have to work on Sunday as the drama unfolds. The gaffer has offered me double time and a day in lieu though, which I’m reasonably happy with; but it hasn’t gone down too well with Louise.

Lou hasn’t been this upset since Liverpool were beaten by Chelsea in the Champions League semi final. Liverpool supporters are like Paul McCartney on his wedding night; they’re struggling to get over a disappointing second leg.

Steven "more dives than Glasgow" Gerrard will hope to inspire his team-mates to a win over Spurs, but I fancy the Tottenham boys at 9/5. They can be heroes, just for Juande.

Manchester United are on the verge of winning the title and I’m particularly pleased for Paul Scholes. There was a worry that Paul’s career was over as a result of blurred vision, practically confirming what my mother told me. I’ll have my head in my hands if Manchester United fail to beat Wigan at 1/4.

As is often the case in such a high profile match, there has been plenty of early activity in the first goal scorer market. Bookmakers have already seen a monkey on Ronaldo, a pony on Carlos Tevez and an old dog on Wayne Rooney.

A recently discovered tribe of Congolese pygmies have admitted knowing absolutely nothing of western civilisation, other than the fact that Steven Gerrard is better at football than Frank Lampard.

Frank simply isn’t that great a player, most of his goals come from his close relationship with the O’Shea family, notably Rick. Frank would need 29 attempts to score on an 18-30 stone holiday.

Frank will not be happy about Chelsea finishing second best to Manchester United. I remember how upset he was when I first suggested that he had a weight problem—he sent me a text that read, "gbvsdfabdsb."

Ashley Cole will also be unhappy with a runners-up spot. The overrated full-back is desperate for success to cement his role as a celebrity. He’s already been offered a spot on next week’s Jonathan Ross show, he just needs to find three pals and a piano.

Chelsea are certainties to beat Bolton, I’m all over the 1/6 like John Terry on a referee.

I’m no stranger to disappointment; I once watched all of Soccer AM. Alex McLeish can empathise, he would give his right arm for Birmingham to avoid relegation, but a trade of that magnitude has only ever come off for Heather Mills. I’m backing Blackburn to beat the Blues at 3/1, but be warned, the price is dropping quicker than Steven Gerrard in a penalty area.

Reading are a lot like Princess Diana, they used to look good, but they’ve hit a wall.

The wife is praying that the Royals stay up, as she’s supported them ever since her English teacher wrote "reading difficulties" on her school report.

I also hope that Reading beat Derby, as I’m not a great fan of Robbie Savage—I can’t forget how he kicked me off the waltzers when I was young. I can’t let my heart rule my head though, I’m going to be like Robbie and mark the coupon with an "X" at 7/2.

Portsmouth are currently wobbling like a jelly on a drunken Sumo wrestler—they haven’t won in their last handful of games. Actually, they haven’t won in their last four games, so it’s more of a Jeremy Beadle handful.

I’d like to see Pompey beat Fulham as I have an enormous amount of sympathy for Harry Redknapp; he’s been the subject of more enquiries than the 118-118 guys.

Hollywood should make a film of Harry’s life, they could call it "The buying, the twitch and the fraud probe."

A case can be made for backing Portsmouth at 5/2 to beat Fulham, but it has more holes than Pete Doherty. I’m going to be like David Cameron in college; and get stuck into the draw at 11/4.

Hopefully, my son will become a professional footballer. The last time we had a kick around in the back garden, he nutmegged me twice; nobody’s regretted opening their legs on two separate occasions since Mrs Neville

Phil Neville is like the sun, you should never look directly at him. The lesser of two evils is surprisingly quite bright, he can quote the old Chinese proverb: "Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day"; give him twelve cans of lager, and he’ll think that Newcastle are worth a bet at Goodison Park.

You don’t have to be Stephen Hawking to realise that Everton are nailed on at 10/11, even Mrs Hawking could work that one out; if she wasn’t down the gym working the bags.

I once said that Benjani couldn’t hit a cow’s arse with a banjo. If we were ever to meet, he’d probably want to hit me; I’d better change my name to Annette.

On a related note, I once tried to hit a cow’s arse with a banjo—at least that’s what I told the police officer, although the lack of a banjo aroused some suspicion.

Middlesbrough are a riddle, wrapped up in an enigma, shrouded in mystery, situated in a hole. The 11/10 for a Boro win over Manchester City is the most enticing proposition since Ulrika Johnson offered Sven Goran Eriksson a little slice of Swedish fish pie.

Is it wrong for me to continually speak of my admiration for Cesc Fabregas? Apparently, it is during lovemaking.

Cesc is a little magician. He’ll have a great future in the game as long as he avoids Debbie McGee. Arsenal are a great bet at 10/11 to beat Sunderland, it’s as clear as the chin on Frank Lampard’s chin.

As an Aston Villa supporter, I’m a huge fan of Randy Lerner. I’m not ashamed to say that all it took to make me happy was just one little Yank.

I did read that a healthy male averages 20 minutes when expressing his love physically; I’m assuming that includes the taxi journey and the queue for the cashpoint.

I’ll be throwing my cash on a West Ham win over the Villa; the 12/5 is positively pulchritudinous.

The Premier League remains my true love, but I’ve occasionally strayed into the arms of the football league, the SPL, the conference and the Paralympics. I’m a little bit uncomfortable about watching football at such a poor level though, but Rangers have made it into the UEFA Cup final.

I’m often asked why I appear reluctant to share my expertise on the Scottish football scene. I can assure you it’s not a result of xenophobia; some of my best friends know Scottish people. I know that a Celtic win over Hibernian at 1/4 will practically wrap up the title for the Bhoys.

My computer is a lot like the wife, if the information is punched in correctly, positive results are guaranteed. My spreadsheet plays a sound if the odds offered on an accumulator are greater than the actual probability of success: when I placed 16/1 next to Middlesbrough, Tottenham and West Ham, it whipped out a guitar.

Thai Hard: With a Vengeance

Gerry McDonnell — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 23:53:13 -0400

Tubby Brazilian Ronaldo may be one of the greatest players to ever grace a football pitch, but he’s definitely a poor role model. The AC Milan man let himself down when he invited three members of the late-night entertainment industry back to a motel. It wasn’t just the fact that they turned out to be ladyboys; he shamefully offered to pay them for doing nothing. If I pay a builder to construct a conservatory, and he brings along a few superfluous tools, I’d expect him to keep his head down and finish the job.

This sorry tale was not the only case of mistaken identity this week; Rio Ferdinand kicked a female Chelsea steward after mistaking her for a wall. It sounds like a tall story, but I once kicked the wife by accident; I thought she was her mother.

This is Rio’s first high profile gaffe since that moment of madness a few years ago, when he dated Emma Bunton. I will definitely be dipping in to the 7/1 for a draw between Manchester United and West Ham.

Rio wasn’t the only player involved in controversy at Stamford Bridge last week; Michael Ballack and Didier Drogba almost came to blows over a free kick; they should really have got a room with Ronaldo. I can’t get my head around the 11/2 for a Newcastle win over Chelsea.

The funniest moment of the match came after the final whistle, when the Manchester United players had a Benny Hill style fight with the Chelsea groundsmen. The United boys were completely out of order; Rio Ferdinand should know by now to keep off the grass. Middlesbrough are involved in a real fight, they’ll beat Portsmouth at 11/10.

Rafa Benitez’s decision to wind up Didier Drogba prior to their Champion’s League semi will rightfully be filed alongside Ronaldo’s shemale escapades in the ‘what a massive rick’ category, but both are trumped by my decision to make a move on a waitress when I holidayed in Thailand. I won’t bore you with all the gruesome details, but let’s just say that she wasn’t the only one who received a large tip. I’m far more comfortable with this tip; back Liverpool to beat the imploding Manchester City at 8/11.

Gareth Barry is considering a move to Liverpool as he wants to join a club that can match his ambition. Evidently his ambition is to perform adequately in Europe and never win the league. The Villa can overtake Everton for the UEFA cup spot by seeing off Wigan at 4/7.

Last week was disastrous for Birmingham City. As the Blues threw away a 2-0 lead at home, Fulham were performing miracles in Manchester and Bolton were holding on for a point at White Hart Lane. Maybe there is a little truth in the gypsy’s curse; they should never have sold him to Blackburn. Fulham v Birmingham will be a cracker, I’ll explode when Fulham take the points at 5/4.

Robbie Savage could definitely forge a career in the female impersonation industry once his best footballing days are behind him; somewhere in 1998. Blackburn are a far better team since they dropped the blonde deadwood; they’ll beat Derby by two or more goals at 5/6.

If Reading v Tottenham produces as much action as the reverse fixture, it’ll be quite an entertaining game. Tottenham romped to a 6-4 victory at the Lane; narrowly foiling my bet on ‘no goalscorer’. Reading have deteriorated since then; they haven’t scored a goal since March and only Derby have a worse goal difference. If Tottenham don’t take all three points at 12/5, I’ll be more hurt than when I woke up in Thailand with a worse limp than Heather Mills.

All the warning signs were there with that Thai waitress, she actually warned me that she’d be bringing some nuts up to the room. I thought she meant that I’d enjoy a late night snack - unfortunately, I was correct. I’m definitely right in taking a large slice of the 8/11 for an Arsenal win over Everton.

I’m reminded of my Thai nightmare whenever I see Roy Keane’s infamous challenge on Alf-Inge Haaland; that was some tackle. Roy’s boys have been priced up at 11/2 against Bolton, that’s very, very big.

It was quite ironic that I ended up in a compromising position with a male who looked like a female, as my wife could easily pass for a builder. Aston Villa, Blackburn, Tottenham and Arsenal form a 10/1 accer of which there can be absolutely no ambiguity.

EPL Handicapping: I’ve Just About Had an Oeuf

Gerry McDonnell — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 23:04:18 -0400

At one time or another, we all make a mistake of gargantuan proportions. When the wife asked for a potential destination for a short trip, I foolishly answered ‘France’. I completely forgot that the place was almost exclusively full of the French.

As soon as we arrived I appreciated the gravity of my error, as the locals made absolutely no effort to speak any English. It appeared that they hadn’t been informed of our arrival.

The language barrier actually led me to be being deported. I popped into a café, but I didn’t fancy eating any strange French food such as ‘frites’ or ‘saucisses’, so I helped myself to a biscuit from behind the counter.

The owner went ballistic and called the police, and I was on the next plane back to England. I still feel embarrassed about being kicked out of Europe thanks to a simple ginger nut. Liverpool fans share my pain, they should console themselves with the 7/4 for a win over Birmingham.

The police were on the ball over there though, unlike their English counterparts. When a French person is reported missing, their filth launch an immediate search; but the Manchester police haven’t even begun their hunt to find poor Wayne. United are winless (and goalless) on their last six visits to Stamford Bridge, I’ll struggle to find a better bet than Chelsea at 6/4.

The North East of England is the one place on Earth that’s actually worse than France. The locals are equally as undecipherable, and they take up twice the room. 15/8 is absolutely massive for a Newcastle win over West Ham.

The North East does have its redeeming features; it remains a Redknapp-free area. Harry’s decision to stay in Portsmouth was warmly received by the Geordie Nation, as it decreased the probability of them ever bumping into Jamie. I’m particularly thankful for the 23/10 for a draw between Portsmouth and Blackburn.

Newcastle have taken a lead in the North East mini-league, which is a little bit like leading a race at the Special Olympics. Sunderland will beat Boro at 13/10 in the battle for the silver medal, but they’re all winners really.

There’s a real scrap going on at the bottom of the table, and Fulham are almost certainly relegated. The chairman will most likely blame Prince Philip, MI5 and possibly MFI. I’ve put together 9/10 for a Manchester City win over the doomed Cottagers.

Bolton have all the momentum in the relegation battle, but they won’t receive any favours away at Tottenham. I expect the 10/11 for a Tottenham win to last about as long as a Geordie in a beauty contest.

Graeme Murty should hang his head in shame after his dying swan act led to a three match ban for Alexander Hleb. Simulation is the unacceptable face of modern day football, alongside Steve Bruce. Wigan v Reading won’t be pleasing to the eye, a draw looks the correct call at 12/5.

If I was Robbie Savage, and I’m not (I’m quite good at football); I’d ask for Cesc Fabregas’ shirt after Derby’s ‘match’ against Arsenal. Such an item of memorabilia could potentially raise a tidy sum for when he upgrades his caravan. The 4/5 for Arsenal to beat Derby by two goals or more is remaining remarkably steady.

I genuinely feel that Aston Villa will be right behind Arsenal at the top of the table next season - certainly in early August. The Villans are on fire in their quest to make it into Europe; they’ll eat up and spit out the Toffeemen at 23/10.

To say I was happy about last week’s winning accer is an understatement; I felt like a Chelsea player after they practically booked their flight to Moscow. When Liverpool, Manchester City, Tottenham and Arsenal oblige for this week’s 10/1 accer, I’ll be happier than Ashley Cole after an invite into the cockpit.

EPL Odds: My Big Fat Weak Wedding

Gerry McDonnell — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 00:26:54 -0400

Marriage is like a chicken vindaloo, it’s something you have to try at least once, even though you know you’ll later regret it.

I experienced my seven-year itch quite early, it was on the honeymoon. Fortunately, my wandering eye didn’t lead to an act of betrayal, although I put that down to the fact that the barmaid was almost certainly a button-flicker.

If newspaper reports are to be believed, Paul Jewell has allegedly been getting his bread sliced at a different bakery. We can all come into a little dough when Fulham beat Derby at 7/5.

Cristiano Ronaldo has also ‘entertained’ a string of women over the past year, which probably explains why Sir Alex is demanding extra protection. I’ve been told that Ronaldo also has a large gay following; I can only assume that Cheryl has been overdoing it with the chip pan. Man U have won their last 13 matches against Aston Villa, I’ll happily tuck into the 1/3 for another United win.

Javier Mascherano will miss the Merseyside derby after a ridiculous sending-off against Manchester United last week. If we start dismissing players just for being annoying, Chelsea would have to play every game with eight men. Everton haven’t won at Anfield this millennium, I’ll be seeing red if Liverpool slip up at 4/5.

A lack of respect for the referee is currently a hot topic, but it’s going to be OK - Ian Wright has a four-step plan. I’ve solved the conundrum that is Chelsea v Middlesbrough; get on the baiters at 1/3.

Birmingham City are at the heart of a corruption investigation, presumably for buying Liam Ridgewell. Manchester City have come out on top on their last four meetings with the troubled Blues; it’ll be a scandal if Sven’s men don’t take all three points at 9/4.

Gael Clichy is a lot like Ashley Cole. After tangling with Mido, the Arsenal full-back was left with an unwanted gash. I’ll be half-cut when Arsenal bounce back against Bolton at 4/5.

After using flimsy excuses for arriving late at training, Liam Miller has been placed on the transfer list. Roy Keane quipped, “Don’t get in a car with Liam, because he has more car crashes than anyone I know.” Paul Jewell won’t find jokes about car accidents very amusing; his Mercedes was involved in a rear-ender. West Ham can dent Sunderland’s survival bid by taking a point at 23/10.

Emile Heskey has scored one goal in the last seven months, which is something of a purple patch for the clumsy striker. The big man is like Ashley Cole, he lacks confidence in the box. I’m more than comfortable with the 4/5 for a Pompey win over Wigan.

Shane Long may be on his way out of Reading. The surly striker is unhappy with being fined a week’s wages for throwing his shirt at his manager; it would have been a lot worse if Ashley Cole hadn’t quickly picked it up. I refuse to turn my back on the 6/4 for a Reading win over Blackburn.

If Tottenham do sell Berbatov in the summer, they should move to sign Ashley Cole and Shane Long. I believe Ashley would definitely be interested if Ramos promised to play three up front - especially if they’re Long, Bent and Keane. I’ll be riding the Tottenham train at 7/10 against Newcastle.

Like Ashley Cole and Paul Jewell, I have often been tempted by the fruit of another, but the grass is not always greener on the other side. It’s like the old saying: why go out for a burger, when you’ve got a fat cow at home. Arsenal, Fulham, Tottenham and Liverpool form a sure-fire 11/1 accer that will allow me the opportunity to reconsider my position.

EPL Forecasting: A Mini Weapon of Mass Destruction

Gerry McDonnell — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 00:40:51 -0400

Even though I was brought up as a Catholic, I have never followed a spiritual path. I blame an over-zealous Priest for my descent into heresy; he was constantly on my back when I was young.

If my memory serves me correctly, Easter is a time to reflect upon the resurrection of Christ. It’s believed that after three days, He rose again. I don’t want to diminish the significance, but I’d fancy Pele to beat that. The Geordies believe that King Keegan is the one true Messiah; it would be sacrilegious not to back Newcastle at 10/11 against Fulham.

Jesus may have forgiven Robbie Keane for his petulant reaction to being substituted last weekend, but Juande Ramos was apoplectic. I have a lot of sympathy for Keane in this case; it’s an emotional time when you’re being pulled off. I’ll happily play with the even money for a Tottenham win over Portsmouth.

John Carew may not be scoring regularly on the pitch, but if press reports are to be believed, he’s managed to bag ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ star Alesha Dixon. I’ve seen pictures of Alesha, and one bag may not be enough. I’ll need a large container to carry home my winnings after Aston Villa see off Sunderland at 3/5.

It’s rare that I shower praise upon Steve Bruce, but his decision to drop Titus Bramble was outstanding. Bruce knows what it takes to become a top class defender; he played alongside Gary Pallister. 4/5 had been placed alongside a Blackburn win over Wigan. I’m on.

Thaksin Shinawatra is not a happy man. The Thai ‘businessman’ has reportedly claimed that City are losing too many games in his absence, and he may have to tighten the bolt on his return. If I was Sven, I’d be worried. I’d be ringing up Ulrika, but I’d certainly be worried. Bolton can ensure the bolt is tightened with a win at 6/4.

Middlesbrough will be without Mido after he saw red for kicking Gael Clichy in the head. The Egyptian should be ashamed of his actions, as should the players who gave him the lift up. Let’s all rise to celebrate the 1/2 for a Middlesbrough win over Derby.

I’m quite ashamed to admit that I have something in common with the impious Martin Taylor. We’re both often referred to as ‘tiny’, although for Martin, it’s an ironic reference. The 23/20 for a Reading win over Birmingham is healthily proportioned.

It’s great to see the West Ham production line coming up trumps once again. Freddie Sears looks a great prospect, but I’m not overly impressed with the ‘Alan Shearer’ goal celebration; it takes too long to kick Neil Lennon, creosote a fence and unsettle the Newcastle management. Everton are going for a treble over the Hammers this season, I have to play at 3/4.

Steven Gerrard was upset when Rio Ferdinand claimed that Liverpool were not among the best teams in Europe. To be fair to Rio, he was misquoted - he meant to say that Liverpool were not among the best teams in England. Liverpool have lost their last four league meetings with their bitter rivals, and have failed to score in their last six. United can extend that run at 11/10.

Chelsea meet Arsenal in the 2^nd part of Grand Slam Super Mega Awesome Sunday, in a dress rehearsal for the Champions League semi-final. I’ve studied Chelsea’s win ratio in the big games under Avram Grant, it didn’t take long. Arsenal are turning into draw specialists, I’ll happily take the 9/4 for a tie.

Jesus would not be happy with the vitriolic abuse aimed at Heather Mills after her divorce from Paul McCartney. I look at it as a value gamble on Heather’s part, she risked negative press and the occasional slap for a healthy financial settlement.

I was quite surprised that she received as much as £24m; I think she must have shown the judge a little leg. Blackburn, Middlesbrough, Everton and a Chelsea draw form a 13/1 accer that will hopefully lead to an equally impressive return.

EPL Odds: There’s Life in the Old Dog…Unfortunately

Gerry McDonnell — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 00:32:33 -0400

Like Wayne Rooney, I’m a lover of the old. I’m never happier than when some wrinkled old seaside-bungalow hogger is regaling me with tales of a bygone age.

If my old man is to be believed, and he’s not, football was completely different in the old days. Goals were celebrated by a handshake, an assault on a goalkeeper was practically encouraged and heading the ball led to a short stay in hospital, which was basically a shed with a sponge.

I’m unsure of the best way of handling the elderly when they reach such a constant state of dull reflection, but only a fool should rule out euthanasia. It looks like Avram Grant will soon be put out of his misery; Sunderland can lend a helping hand at 7/1.

Mohammed Al Fayed is another pensioner who appears to have lost the plot. He’s gone from Coleman to Sanchez to Hodgson; he’s only one step away from a Souness. Everton will make Fulham pay the ultimate price at 6/5.

Time has also caught up with the once sharp Harry Redknapp. The technophobic manager’s memory is in such a poor state, he’s now being cordial to the BBC. The old people alliance will not be amused by this shock development. I’ll be splitting my sides when the Villa leave Fratton Park with the win at 21/10.

If Derby are dead and Fulham are dying, then Newcastle have just found a rather large mole. I can certainly empathise; I wake up next to a large lump every morning. A bet on Birmingham to beat Newcastle at 13/10 will lead to a substantial growth in the betting bank.

Now that Rafa Benitez has finally came to his senses, Liverpool’s results have improved dramatically. I can’t think of anyone who was a fan of the rotation policy, other than Alex Gerrard. Liverpool and Torres are on fire, Reading will feel the heat at 2/7.

I was not a happy bunny when Arsenal let me down for an accer last week. I haven’t felt such intense disappointment since Maggie Thatcher was released from hospital. The Gunners will almost certainly make amends at 2/7 against a goal-shy Middlesbrough.

I hold no grudge against Arsenal for their slip-up at Wigan: I know what it’s like to be tucked up by an ugly pitch. Bolton will also struggle at the JJB, I’m siding with the draw at 23/10.

If David Bentley was made of chocolate, he’d probably eat himself. That’s something I would never do - I refuse to queue-jump. People will be lining up to back Blackburn at 2/1 against a struggling West Ham.

I know pensioners enjoy a little whinge, but Sir Alex Ferguson took the art of complaining to a new level in last week’s extraordinary post-match interview. For me, Fergie has been on a slippery slope since that Pikey punched him in the nuts; shame on you Mr Savage. Fergie will get revenge when United ease past Derby at 1/5.

With old people, you have to be thankful for small mercies. I remember walking in on my old man as he watched Baywatch, and I was shocked to see his hand moving up and down on his lap. Fortunately, it was just Parkinson’s. Tottenham are one win away from their 4^th straight double over Manchester City; I’ll be shaking if they fail to oblige at 9/5.

I speak in jest at the plight of the elderly, but it’s criminal that they have to live on such a pittance. I was left dumbstruck when I cashed in the old man’s pension - I could only afford six cases of lager. Arsenal, Everton, Tottenham and Birmingham form a pleasing 16/1 accer that will allow me the opportunity to pay him back in full. Maybe.

As One Door Shuts...A Nutter One Opens

Gerry McDonnell — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 22:47:16 -0500

For some inexplicable reason, the subject of mental illness remains taboo. I am convinced that if we debate the topic in a mature and sensitive fashion, we could raise awareness of the constant unnecessary stigmatisation of these unfortunate lunatics.

I’m not embarrassed to admit that I used to regularly suffer from panic attacks. All it would take was an unexpected knock on the door, and I’d find myself screaming like Andy Cole’s wife. Luckily the attack would subside once I realised my other half hadn’t arrived home from work early.

As a result of my experience, I feel I’m in a perfect position to reflect upon Paul Gascoigne’s descent into a fruitcake laden abyss. Looking back, all the clues were there: Gazza was fearful of an alien invasion, he was holding conversations with plastic parrots, and he fancied Newcastle to beat Blackburn. The Rovers are the only sane betting choice at 19/10.

I can’t help but feel the media attempted to sensationalise Gazza’s problems. It’s not unusual for a man to cry during sex, as Joey Barton can confirm. I’ll be incredibly sore if Middlesbrough fail to beat Reading at 9/10.

It’s been reported that Ashley Cole burst into tears when Cheryl surprisingly decided to reconcile with the incredibly wealthy reserve full-back. I’m guessing it’s not the first time that a handkerchief has come in handy. I’m rubbing my hands together at the 5/2 for a draw between West Ham and Chelsea.

Robbie Keane also bawled after Tottenham lifted the Carling Cup. I find the idea of a male showing such emotion quite distasteful—although if Birmingham beat Tottenham at 3/1, I’ll cry like Liz Hurley’s maid on payday.

To cap off a disgraceful week for the male race, William Gallas sobbed after kicking lumps out at an advertising hoarding. How surprising: a Frenchman and a pointless strike. Arsenal will demolish Aston Villa at 4/7.

On a brighter note for Arsenal, Eduardo may return to action in as little as nine months. I have to confess to being surprised by the quick turnaround. I’ve been to Selly Oak hospital, and it normally takes seven months just to make it out of the waiting room. You should seek medical attention if you pass on the 4/5 for a Manchester City win over Wigan.

It’s not just the clinically insane and the cast of ‘The Crying Game’ who deserve our sympathy; our thoughts should also go out to players with learning disabilities. It’s rumoured that Robbie Savage was the inspiration for ‘Are you smarter than a 10 year old?’ The genuinely bright will be taking 13/10 for a Sunderland win over Derby.

I thought Wes Brown was a level (if somewhat orange) headed footballer, but he’s clearly delusional if he believes he’s worth £80,000 a week. That kind of money could fund research into psychiatric disorders for a number of years, or settle Wayne Rooney’s tab at KFC. The 11/4 for Fulham avoiding defeat against Manchester United is finger-licking good.

There were many people who believed that El Hadji Diouf may have had a serious mental illness, as he would often dribble more than Cristiano Ronaldo. I’ve been practically salivating over the 5/6 for a Liverpool win over Bolton.

History is like an Alzheimer's sufferer: It will often repeat itself. The last time Everton finished fourth inthe Premiership, their neighbours lifted the Champions League trophy for the fifth time. I fancy Everton to beat Pompey at 10/11, but I hope it doesn’t lead to Liverpool fans holding up six fingers; that should really be left to the citizens of Coventry.

Alzheimer's is the latest in a long list of illnesses to plague my father. I look back in fondness to the time when he was just a paranoid schizophrenic—it was nice that he had someone to talk to, even if he was out to get him.

People use offensive labels such as ‘nutter’ to describe the mentally ill, but i refuse to pigeon-hole my old man; as he’s also an agoraphobic. I’ll definitely be going out when Arsenal, Middlesbrough, Sunderland, and Liverpool land a healthy 10/1 accer.

EPL Handicapping: A Dodgy Ruby and a Stuffed Nan

Gerry McDonnell — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 22:54:23 -0500

In a week where Mohammed Al Fayed has pointed an accusing finger at Tony Blair, the Nazis, Dracula and a crocodile, it seems odd that Richard Scudamore has emerged as football’s leading figure of fun.

When a friend told me that Scudamore planned to play a round of matches overseas, I thought it was the worst idea I’d ever heard—and I used to work in a nursery.

(I say ‘worked’, but it went down as ‘loitering’ on the charge sheet.)

The Chief Executive of the Premier League appears to have been influenced by Gordon Gekko’s ‘Greed is good’ monologue from ‘Wall Street’. I’d advise Scudamore against following in the footsteps of Michael Douglas, as he may have to fight off Welsh gold-diggers. Investing in the 8/11 for a Pompey win over Sunderland is a socially acceptable way of increasing your bankroll.

The idea of 10 matches being televised back-to-back genuinely worries me, as I ritualistically indulge in a couple of beers during a game. There’s no way I’ll be able to drink 20 pints, unless i have to spend a night with Kelly Osbourne. I will happily indulge in a celebratory couple when Middlesbrough stun Liverpool at 17/2.

Sir Alex Ferguson condemned his players for showboating in last week’s FA Cup victory over Arsenal, but the unsavoury incident could have been a whole lot worse. Apparently, Wayne Rooney once kept it up with Nani for over two minutes. I’ll definitely be paying for it if Manchester United fail to defeat the depleted Toon Army at 8/15.

When it comes to cool celebrity support, Everton are way behind the likes of Manchester City. The Toffeemen tried to persuade Sylvester Stallone to give soccer a try, but he couldn’t pull it off, which is quite ironic. I’ll happily play with the 9/4 for a draw between Manchester City and Everton.

Blackburn and Bolton have contested the mushy pea derby on 13 occasions in the Premier League, and the team playing at home has never emerged victorious. I’m going to lay Blackburn at 10/11 like it was a legless woman in a nightclub. That Heather Mills certainly knows how to celebrate.

I find the political arena almost exclusively dull, but the revelation that the Home Secretary is an avid Aston Villa supporter genuinely attracted my interest. I have nothing but admiration for the way that Jacqui Smith can juggle her secretarial work with her homemaker duties. I hope she finds the time to back the Villa against Reading at a delightful 7/5.

Playing a home match against Derby is like going on a date with Paris Hilton, you’re confident that they’ll roll over without much of a fight. Wigan are the fortunate beneficiaries of three easy points at 8/13.

There is a direct correlation between a club’s support and the coolness of the team’s nickname. Aston Villa are the evil Villans, Tottenham are the boiling Spuds and Manchester United are the Red Devils. Who in their right mind would choose to be a Cottager? Ashley Cole knows that West Ham are a great bet at 9/5 to beat Fulham.

The bigwigs at Chelsea are still understandably upset after a package containing white powder was delivered to their training ground. They’ve now ordered Frank Lampard to use sugar sachets like the rest of the squad.

The last time Chelsea met Tottenham in a cup match, an irate Spud attacked Frank, which is the actual definition of irony. Chelsea came out on top on that occasion and I can only see a repeat at 11/10 in the Carling Cup final.

The more i consider the potential benefits of the globalisation of the Premier League, the more appealing the idea becomes. The Chinese would be able to relegate the ping-pong ball to a late night entertainment spot, Australians could embrace a sport that doesn’t involve shearing, and the Yanks would learn that real footballers refuse to wrap up like a suicide bomber in winter. I’ll be going off on one if Arsenal fail to beat Birmingham at 8/15.

There is currently an incredible amount of opposition to Scudamore’s thought-provoking proposal, but nothing is insurmountable; with the obvious exception of Ruby Wax. Wigan, Manchester United, Chelsea and Aston Villa form an 11/1 accer that will hopefully remove that ghastly image from my recently tortured mind’s eye.

EPL Betting: Strawberry Fields For Heather

Gerry McDonnell — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 22:44:53 -0500

I absolutely despise Valentine's Day. Conformity demands that I waste good money on a pointless gift and a meaningless card, even though the wife has spent the last 364 days of the year criticizing me for being lazy. I’d happily dump her; but it’s a lot of effort to find someone new.

Paul McCartney has taken the brave step of officially ending his ill-fated relationship. For me, he’s definitely made the correct decision, even if it does cost him an arm and a leg.

While Paul and I understand that love is a complete fallacy, there are still a minority who believe in the romance of the FA Cup. The reality is that the minnows just make up the numbers until the trophy is lifted by one of the big four, or Liverpool.

Rafa Benitez has pointed the finger at the Yanks for their relegation from the elite. You can blame the Americans for many things: Middle East instability, nuclear war, terrorism, global warming, 9/11, and fat children, but they didn’t rest Torres against Birmingham. I hope Rafa takes the FA Cup seriously, as I’m on the Reds at 1/5 against Barnsley.

The liveliest atmosphere of the fifth round will probably be at Coventry, where West Brom will be arriving with 8,000 screaming Yam Yams. I’ll definitely be going out of my way to avoid Coventry this weekend; although the words ‘this’ and ‘weekend’ are pretty much superfluous. The Baggies look a fair shout at 7/5 to leave victorious.

David James continues to surprise me. There were times when I thought he would prove a major liability; those times were 1990–1996 and 1998–2007. With Calamity in this kind of form, you have to believe that Preston have a tougher job on their hands than Helen Chamberlain’s makeup artist. I’ll be made up when Pompey advance at 10/11.

It will be somewhat ironic if Middlesbrough put an end to Bryan Robson’s managerial career. It was at the Boro where Robbo first made his name; I think it was "Jim Beam." Robson may well be interested in the odds for a Middlesbrough win over Sheffield United; 7/5 is a little short.

Cardiff have come a long way since the Sam Hammam era, when new signings were contractually obligated to enjoy a physical liaison with a sheep. That controversial clause was widely criticized at the time, but it did lead to Franck Ribery asking for a trial. Things are a lot more stable at Ninian Park today; they have Peter Ridsdale in the boardroom. The chairman can buy another goldfish when the Bluebirds slaughter the Wolves at 11/8.

Southampton will still be without a manger for their trip to Bristol Rovers. The Saints did try to rehire Glenn Hoddle, but he wanted to discuss his options with a likeminded friend, so he’s waiting for Paul McCartney’s divorce proceedings to end. I’ll be on Bristol Rovers at 2/1 to see off the Saints; although I’ll stay away from the handicap.

After finding the net in his last nine matches, Emmanuel Adebayor will be hoping to reach a perfect ten against Manchester United. I’m not normally one to boast, but I once dated a German girl who was very close to being a "ten." She was extremely arrogant though: she knew she was a nine, and she wouldn’t shut up about it while making love. I’m screaming about the 9/4 for a draw between Manchester United and Arsenal.

Like Helga, Avram Grant always appears deeply unhappy. As an Israeli, Grant has seen some distressing sights through the years, although nothing could prepare him for the picture of the hairdresser who gave Ashley Cole a little trim. I’ll throw up if Chelsea fail to beat Huddersfield at 1/10.

For Cheryl Cole and Heather Mills, Valentine's Day will be a depressing affair. My wife will be genuinely excited though, as she loves to eat a mountain of chocolate on this special occasion—it’s a weekday. Cardiff, Chelsea, Liverpool, Middlesbrough and Portsmouth form a 12/1 accer that will allow me to purchase an extra large bar of Toblerone.

EPL Betting: Wayne Drops Keep Falling on Rooney's Head

Gerry McDonnell — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 22:41:17 -0500

I am no stranger to a lazy stereotype. I’m half-Irish and I’m married to a Scot, so some people believe we stay at home all day smoking crack and peeling potatoes; which is only half true.

It could be worse though, I could be bald. Britney Spears was considered a wholesome entertainer when she had flowing locks; but the moment she showed solidarity with the follically challenged, the authorities took her children away.

It’s not just tubby Americans who persecute the hairless. When Andy Johnson had a little decoration on his head, he was awarded penalties and his goals were allowed to stand; now he’s shunned like Lewis Hamilton on a weekend trip to Majorca.

Personally I think it’s a case of raging gingerism, as baldness is their only legitimate hope of a life free or mockery. I’ll make a stand against these peladophobic gingerphobes by supporting AJ’s Everton at 4/7 against a struggling Reading.

Ryan Babel is another player who deserves our sympathy. Rafa perplexingly continues to bench the flying Dutchman: the only way he’ll be promoted to a starter is if he bumps into Frank Lampard. Chelsea will devour the struggling Reds at a mouthwatering 11/10.

Harry Redknapp has hit the jackpot with the signing of Jermain Defoe. The Pompey manager is just like King Midas - it’s believed that the King’s son was a real nause. I’ll be droning on endlessly about the 9/4 for a draw between Bolton and Portsmouth.

Derby were a lot less successful with their attempts at January shopping. Paul Jewell signed Laurent Robert on a free transfer; I think he overpaid. Tottenham are the weekend banker at 8/13 against the awful Rams.

Birmingham were dealt a knockout blow by a player named Villa last week, so it was a typical Derby match. It’s just one win in eleven matches now for the Blues; West Ham look a great shout at 17/20 to increase the pressure on the Big Eck.

Premier League attendances now average 36,000 a match, which is a 50 year high. The figure would have threatened the 40,000 mark, if it wasn’t for Middlesbrough. One man and his dog will see Boro destroy Fulham at 10/11.

Roy Keane will be looking forward to reuniting with Steve Bruce, as they haven’t seen each other since filming Cinderella. I’ll turn into a pumpkin if Sunderland fail to oblige against Wigan at 23/20.

The loss of Agbonlahor will be a massive blow for Aston Villa. Gabby has aggravated a hamstring - he accidentally knocked his pint over. The return of Young will soften the blow for the Villans; the tactically shrewd Martin O’Neill will bamboozle Kevin Keegan’s Toon Army at 10/11.

A hamstring injury has also ruled the influential Tomas Rosicky out of Arsenal’s match against Blackburn. Rosicky is known as ‘little Mozart’, due to his ability to orchestrate the midfield. Personally, I’m a big fan of Chopin: I often buy a big bag of potatoes. I can definitely handle the 4/11 for an Arsenal win over Blackburn.

After a protracted saga, Manchester City have finally signed Benjani, and I can claim with little fear of contradiction that Pompey’s loss is Manchester City’s loss. An Elano-less, Benjani-full City will almost certainly lose out to Manchester United at 1/3.

Wayne Rooney will miss the Manchester derby after receiving a booking for hurling his considerable weight to the ground last week in an alleged act of simulation. Rooney would never cheat, so I can only conclude that the referee cautioned him for his ginger stubble and an increasingly receding hairline.

Aston Villa, Tottenham, Everton, Middlesbrough and West Ham form not only an outstanding 16/1 accer—it’s also a symbol of hope for our continually oppressed pool-ball headed brothers.

EPL Betting: The Hurly Bird Catches the Worm

Gerry McDonnell — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 22:45:45 -0500

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that fidelity remains the cornerstone of a successful relationship. I would never cheat on my wife. Unless the opportunity arose.

I have serious doubts over my wife’s respect for monogamy.

The word on the street is that Ashley Cole was physically sick while performing the horizontal 64-second jig, which fits in perfectly with the wife’s M.O.

I can’t condemn Cole too strongly, as he’s not the first man to hurl after munching on a late-night kebab. On reflection, he probably should have stuck with a sausage sandwich.

A Chelsea draw against Pompey ticks all the right boxes at 5/2, and then cleans them with disinfectant.

It’s been reported that Ashley refused to wrap up his little heat-seeking missile before sending him into battle. Apart from the obvious risk of pieces falling off, there is also the danger of an unwanted pregnancy. If I didn’t regularly suffocate my mini whale-hunter, I could have had three children by now.

Fulham are also lackadaisical in defence, they’re on a 14 match winless streak. Aston Villa will take full advantage at 7/5.

Adebayor is a quality player, but you can’t solve a problem by planting your nut on it; we haven’t all moved to Scotland. I can’t get my head around the 10/11 for an Arsenal win over Manchester City.

Liverpool needs a new slogan to commemorate their status as the European Capital of Culture. I’ve suggested, "Liverpool - Making fat kids cry since 2008." I’ll be inconsolable if the Reds beat Sunderland, I’ve been tempted by the 4/1 for a draw.

With Liverpool stuttering like Jeremy Beadle’s manicurist, a fourth place finish is unexpectedly up for grabs. I expect Blackburn vs. Everton to be tighter than Mido’s belt as the war for four intensifies. I’m sitting on the fence at 9/4.

Dave Kitson is in line for a shock call up to the England side. The Reading hitman will be overjoyed if he earns his first cap, as sunlight is a long-term foe. I’ve seen the light; I’ve backed Reading at 6/5 at home to Bolton.

Cheryl Cole has followed Danielle Lloyd’s lead in refusing to dump her allegedly unfaithful partner. What is it that makes these strong women stand by their men? I’ll get my hands on lots of money when Manchester United beat Tottenham at even money.

Now that Barack Obama has revealed himself to be a Hammer, Dave Whelan must be regretting his campaign to relegate West Ham towards the end of last season. Whelan may be able to fix the price of an England shirt, but he’s going to lose a power battle with potentially the next leader of Iran. The Hammers have a 100% record at the JJB in the Premier League; Barack and I will be on at 9/5.

If Derby were to avoid relegation, it would be the greatest shock since I arrived home from work early to find the wife in a degrading position; she was lying on the floor watching "Beadle’s About." I’ll be even more disappointed if Birmingham fail to beat Derby at 4/7.

It was a case of déjà vu for Kevin Keegan as Newcastle lost 3-0 to Arsenal in midweek; a few lads hit him on the head with a baseball bat. It’s definitely wrong to kick someone when they’re down, unless you’re Alan Shearer.

Newcastle isn’t big enough for Keegan and Big Al, so God knows how Frank Lampard ever played there. 10/11 is plenty big enough for a Newcastle win over Middlesbrough.

Like Ashley Cole, Frank Lampard has allegedly had a wandering eye. I can see why Lampard would have suitors, who amongst us doesn’t like a large pair of breasts? Arsenal, Birmingham, Manchester United and Aston Villa stand out at a particularly pert 11/1.

Driving Miss Dozy

Gerry McDonnell — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 22:28:37 -0500

Statistics are normally my trusted ally, but even close friends can occasionally fall out. Research claims to prove that men are over 50% more likely to be involved in a road accident than women, but that’s probably because they’ve all been run over by dippy bints.

Only last weekend, the wife’s vertiginous nature led to a particularly bad smash. Betty was seriously shaken up, but luckily, a Scientologist was quickly on the scene.

The incident would never have occurred if we lived in Saudi Arabia, as women are forbidden from driving by law. They must really respect their women to go to such lengths to keep them safe.

The Saudi ladies have many other social advantages. When Manchester United played their controversial testimonial in Riyadh, the women were all banned from the stadium; presumably to protect them from the shock of viewing Rooney and Tevez. I can’t take my eyes off the 7/1 for a Tottenham win over a jetlagged United side.

While the Saudi women lead a life of luxury, the men are treated incredibly shabbily. Islamic law allows the males to marry up to four wives: so you can understand why a minority go apocalyptic. I’d consider destroying the West if I had to watch Eastenders four times a week.

It’s not all doom and gloom for the men, as multiple weddings equate to multiple stag nights. It’s a little bit different over there though: it takes the stripper 25 minutes to whip out her elbows. There won’t be a Stag party when Mansfield face Middlesbrough, Southgate’s men will knock them out at a fundamentally sound 4/9.

Amy Winehouse can only look on in jealousy at the freedoms offered to the women of the Middle East. Amy can’t even water her plants without being harassed by the man, although she has been overdoing it with the hosepipe lately. I’ll be having the craic with the 5/6 for a Derby win over Preston.

The footballing world has changed dramatically since Kevin Keegan last flexed his managerial muscle. The game is now awash with American cowboys, and in a sign of solidarity with our friendly-firing brothers, Joey Barton now walks like John Wayne. I won’t be backing Arsenal at 2/5 against Newcastle. The hell I won’t.

Liverpool v Havant & Waterlooville is what the FA Cup is all about: it’s a bunch of nobodies getting spanked by a decent team. Bookies are as short as 1/100 about a Liverpool win, I’ll play on the Reds -2.5 goals at a more punter friendly 1/2.

Wigan looked to have completed a canny piece of business with the signing of Wilson Palacios. The Honduran is nicknamed ‘Harry Potter’, a moniker earned when his brother disappeared. 8/15 for a Chelsea win over Wigan will be vanishing soon.

Mark Hughes is definitely a kind-hearted soul. He went face to face with Gareth Southgate last week, and he resisted the urge to laugh. I’ll be smiling like a trout enthusiast around Leslie Ash when Aston Villa see off Blackburn at even money in the only Premier League fixture of the weekend.

Frankly, I was quite disturbed by the news that Leslie Ash pocketed £5m after contracting a bug while in hospital. It’s not like Lee Chapman needs the money, he already owns a mobile exercise unit.

The controversial payout has led me to consider moving to the utopia that is Saudi Arabia. Naturally, this would lead to a conversion to Islam, which will conflict with my liberal beliefs. The wife would have to wear a veil though, so it’s swings and roundabouts. Aston Villa, Arsenal, Portsmouth, Southampton and Watford form a 10/1 weekend accer that will pay for the necessary amount of tarpaulin.

EPL Betting: Picks of the Week 1/19

Gerry McDonnell — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 22:25:59 -0500

My heart goes out to the clinically depressed and the morbidly obese, but I have a genuine illness—I suffer from sleep deprivation.

I believe my condition is a result of an incident that occurred many years ago, when I was naïve enough to believe that physical attractiveness was not an essential requirement in the process of potential mate selection.

It was a Saturday night, and I found myself at a nightclub with a group of friends, as was the custom at that time. As 2 AM arrived and a sense of desperation filled the air, I approached a lady who I thought looked quite hot.

It turned out she was just very sweaty.

As she made her intentions clear, I made the cardinal error of not topping up my alcohol level before exiting the building. On the taxi ride home, sobriety kicked in like a tortured mule.

Within two minutes of entering my humble abode, she was parading shamelessly in her birthday suit. It was at this stage that I fully appreciated the gravity of the situation.

Unfortunately, my plea to go directly to the cigarette fell upon deaf ears.

Without going into too much detail of what followed, I can confirm that I didn’t get a wink of sleep all night, and I’ve struggled to get my head down ever since.

As the dawn approached like a guardian angel, I plucked up the courage to ask her to leave by the back door, which was somewhat ironic. I made a conscious decision that morning to never return to the club, as the experience left me close to a breakdown.

Kevin Keegan, on the other hand, has been far less pragmatic.

I do expect a significant short-term improvement for the Toon Army; I’ll be getting on the Geordies at 5/6 at home to Bolton.

I was quite surprised that Steve Bruce was never approached by Mike Ashley. Bruce has been in charge of Wigan for about seven weeks, so he's definitely due for a move.

I expect to see a massive move on Everton to beat Wigan at an exceedingly pleasant 11/8.

Fulham FC share a trait of mine: They start off quickly, but lack stamina.

The Cottagers have lost a lead in 10 of their 22 Premier League matches this season, blowing 25 points in the process.

I can only put Fulham’s lack or resolve down to poor conditioning; I’ll buy them a case of "Wash & Go" after Arsenal turn them over at 8/15.

Blackburn are still struggling to find a replacement for Robbie Savage. They came close last week, but Sun Hill refused to release Gillian Taylforth.

I'm diving on the 4/5 for a Blackburn win over Middlesbrough.

With matches at White Hart Lane producing an average of 5.1 goals, Juande Ramos has been forced to tighten up at the back—so he’s dropped Paul Robinson like an opinionated girlfriend.

Spurs are on an upward curve as a result; they’re a confident selection at 4/9 against Sunderland.

Manchester City are a Jekyll and Hyde club. When they play at home, they’re an object of unquestionable beauty—yet when they leave Eastlands, they’re as useful as a military recruitment centre in Paris.

West Ham are making the now familiar trip to the City of Manchester Stadium; you have to like the even money for another home win.

I was genuinely surprised by the number of appearances made by a relatively young Jamie Carragher. I haven’t seen 500 clocked up so quickly since the wife last stood on the scales.

A Liverpool win over Villa will be a weight off my mind; I’m playing heavily at 4/6.

Ronaldo is on course to be the first wide man since George Best to receive the Golden Boot. There are many similarities between the two players. Best was a Manchester United hero, as is Ronaldo. Best was a phenomenal dribbler, as is the Portuguese step-over expert. Best loved his women...

I’ll be trying to get on Manchester United at 4/9 to beat Reading.

John Terry has been outed as a Manchester United supporter, further perpetrating the myth that most of United’s support originates in London.

That’s an insult to the Chinese.

I’ll take it as a personal insult if Chelsea slip up against Birmingham at 4/6.

After starting the season on fire, Benjani has reverted to type. If missed chances were pints of lager, he’d have a liver like George Best.

I’m taking a chance on the draw between Portsmouth and Derby at 10/3.

I can’t think of George Best without remembering the time that I had a badly damaged organ. That night still haunts me, and I can’t sleep without the aid of sedatives.

Luckily, I’ve been carrying them around with me for a number of years, as you never know when opportunity will knock.

Chelsea, Tottenham, Newcastle, Everton, and Liverpool form a fantastic 15/1 betting opportunity that only comes along once every seven days.

EPL Betting: Picks of the Week 1/12

Gerry McDonnell — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 23:33:06 -0500

When it comes to a worthy cause, I live to give.

I was so moved by Pele’s appeal to help men with erectile dysfunction that I agreed to contribute £10 a month towards the campaign...but unfortunately I wasn’t able to keep it up.

Liverpool FC were not so generous of spirit when Luton Town asked for financial assistance before their FA Cup tie. The Reds were well within their rights to refuse to help, as they already look after the needy by paying Jamie Carragher a weekly wage.

Jamie probably has the thinnest skin in football. A radio DJ once questioned his decision to retire from international football as he wasn’t guaranteed a starting-place, so Jamie rang him up to arrange a meet where they could "discuss it" further.

Violence against radio personalities is totally unacceptable, with the obvious exception of Sara Cox.

Carragher hit the headlines again this week when he allegedly jumped up onto a barrier to confront a number of abusive wig-wearing Luton supporters. I believe the FA should spare no expense in finding a solution to crowd provocation—and I know that Jamie is happy to throw money at the problem.

An investment on Middlesbrough to beat Liverpool at 9/2 will put a few coins in the kitty.

Mark Hughes is an astute manager. Defeats to Larissa in the UEFA Cup and Coventry in the FA Cup have guaranteed that fixture congestion won't be an issue for his club.

Blackburn are unbeaten in Bolton on their last eight visits, a draw at 23/10 will keep that impressive stat rolling.

I try to avoid blowing my own horn, but I can easily relate to people of differing intelligence. If you possess an IQ of 160, I can happily discuss mathematical probability or the ups and downs of nuclear fission. If you’re IQ is less than 50, I’m equally at home discussing the pros and cons of your move to Derby.

Robbie Savage can help the ailing Rams take a point off Wigan at 9/4.

Dave Kitson has been rightfully slaughtered for making disparaging remarks about the FA Cup. The ginger hitman disgracefully claimed that he couldn’t give "the Neville brothers" about the historical competition.

Personally, I’m a stickler for tradition, and Reading have never won at Villa Park in their history. I’ll be backing the Villa at 8/13, and then backing them again.

That’s two hits.

Arsene Wenger has once again hit the jackpot with the sublime Eduardo. I haven’t seen anyone look so comfortable in the box since Martina Navratilova.

1/5 for an Arsenal win over Birmingham is simply smashing.

Apparently, Everton’s trophy room has been burgled. Police are asking the public to be on the lookout for several replicas of the FA Cup, the League Cup, and the Cup Winners Cup.

I’ll be having it away with the 6/5 for an Everton win over Manchester City.

If Fulham FC were a flavour of ice cream, they would definitely be vanilla. That reminds me of the old song, “I scream, you scream, we all scream if we accidentally look at Carlos Tevez.”

I’ll be shrieking like Britney Spears when I take the 3/4 for a West Ham win over Fulham.

Portsmouth have been hit extremely hard by the African Cup of Nations—they’re literally down to the bare bones.

Sunderland can take full advantage at 15/8.

The early money in the "next Newcastle manager" market suggests that Harry Redknapp is a shoo-in for the post. Being something of a nonbeliever, I’ve layed Harry at 1.65, and I have no intention of closing my position.

If you’re reading this late and Harry has already taken the job, then I changed my mind and greened out for a MASSIVE profit.

I’ll throw my expected winnings on Manchester United to beat Newcastle at 1/4.

Ashley Cole was left mystified when Avram Grant stripped him off the captaincy after an hour last week. He hasn’t been this stunned since Arsenal insulted him by offering a derisory £55,000 a week.

I nearly crashed my car when I heard that bookmakers were offering 5/1 for a Tottenham win over Chelsea.

Such an act of generosity has left me in a state of reflection, musing over my own decision to stop supporting the global fight against impotence. I genuinely wanted to honour my commitment, but at the end of the day, I’m not a working stiff.

People who have never suffered from erectile dysfunction are quick to poke fun at those who have; but I simply refuse to rise to the bait.

If you don’t back Arsenal, Aston Villa, Everton, and Sunderland in a 10/1 accer, you won’t be able to get up in the morning.

EPL Betting: Picks of the Week 1/5

Gerry McDonnell — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 00:16:07 -0500

Ignorance is not necessarily bliss. I’ve recently discovered that binge drinking can lead to long-term health problems, such as crabs and chlamydia.

The arrival of a new year offers me the opportunity to reflect upon my previous excess and resolve to make significant changes. I've made a solemn pledge to drink no more than the man next to me—as long as the man next to me is Joey Barton.

I hope Joey has used his time in custody productively, and has questioned the wisdom of some of his earlier decisions. He should never have taken tips on dining etiquette from Lee Bowyer.

A source close to Sam Allardyce has told me that Nicky Butt is extremely disappointed in his teammate’s behaviour, and will be having a quiet little word to remind him of his responsibilities.

Just when Joey thought things couldn’t get any worse, he now has a sore Butt to contend with.

I’ll happily pounce on the 11/8 for a Newcastle win over Stoke.

Lee Hughes can empathise with the Barton situation, as he has also returned to football after completing a stretch.

“I was touching my toes every night,” bragged the ginger fitness fanatic.

Many people were disappointed with Oldham’s decision to employ Hughes on his release, but Andy Johnson remains fully supportive. He’s even promised to make an "A" sign if he scores a goal.

Everton will run over an outclassed Oldham at 1/4.

Manchester United supporters always enjoy their trip to the midlands for their traditional third-round FA Cup meeting with Aston Villa.

Not only have they seen their team emerge victorious on each of their last eight visits—it’s also a shorter journey than they’re accustomed to.

I’m absolutely overjoyed with the prospect of 10/11 for another Manchester United win.

Steve Bruce compared purchasing players in January to buying puppies at Christmas.

“You have to make sure it's long term and for the right reasons,” lectured the pugnacious manager.

I’ll definitely be getting my hands on a couple of puppies if Sunderland end Wigan’s campaign at 5/4.

An apoplectic Juande Ramos threatened to completely dismantle the Spurs team after they lost to Aston Villa in midweek. I fully expect to see a superhuman effort from the Tottenham players after the manager’s tirade.

They can be heroes, just for Juande.

Tottenham will repeat last week’s victory over Reading at 8/15.

Freddie Ljungberg is still suffering from migraines. My wife can totally sympathise with the Swede—she’s had a recurring headache for five years.

I'll be getting my hands on the 6/4 for a West Ham win over Manchester City.

Mark Hughes appears to be willing to release Robbie Savage. The Blackburn manager stated that Robbie "doesn't take not playing very well," and added that Savage was "frustrated."

That’s just a fancy way of confirming what we already suspected.

I’ll be furiously pounding the 2/5 for a Blackburn win over Coventry.

Coventry could do with a decent Cup run, as they still face the threat of liquidation. That must be one big blender.

Burnley face an absolute shoeing at the hands of Arsenal; I’m taking an involvement at 2/5.

QPR have some serious financial clout in the boardroom. Lakshmi Mittal could buy and sell Roman Abramovich like a cheap blonde—although Mark Hughes is now attempting to flood the market.

Backing Chelsea to beat QPR at 1/6 will lead to small economic growth.

The "Romance of the Cup" may be a cliché, but I genuinely fancy Sheffield Wednesday to pull off an upset against Derby at 7/2. In fact, it will be more of a shock if they don’t.

Incredibly, I was once accused of being unromantic. This allegation is a complete fabrication.

Even when drinking heavily, I’ll always pay for a lady’s kebab before introducing her to the little G.

If Tottenham, West Ham, Arsenal, and Newcastle land a 10/1 weekend accer, I’ll even consider throwing in a small chips.

EPL Betting: Picks of the Week 12/29

Gerry McDonnell — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 01:04:00 -0500

The wife and I are similar in many ways, but we disagree on the most prudent way to discipline children.

Betty is from the old school, and believes a small slap is perfectly acceptable. I take the opposite view, and prefer the use of a knuckle-duster.

Such actions would not be necessary if it weren't for our children being led astray by poor role models, such as Premier League footballers. Even fully grown men occasionally follow their contentious lead; just last Tuesday I enjoyed a lunchtime roast.

It’s not just the off-field antics that leave a nasty taste in the mouth—the game is still riddled with divers and floppers. There appears to be a growing number of players who embrace the turf more than Jodie Foster.

Peter Crouch pointed the finger at foreign players in trying to dissect Jon Obi Mikel. As Crouch launched into his astonishing tirade, a sheepish Steven Gerrard kept his head down in the background.

I hope that Stevie steps up when Liverpool play Manchester City; I’m hitting the Reds at 11/10.

Luckily, some players are willing to change. Ashley Young may have been guilty of going down easily in the past, but I have it on good authority that he plans to get a grip of himself over the coming months.

The inspirational Young will lead Aston Villa to victory over Wigan at 7/5.

Arsene Wenger’s decision to release Ashley Cole was truly inspired. Arsenal’s new left back has been a revelation this season, but I disagree with his assertion that players need a winter break. That’s just a tired cliché.

The 6/5 for an Arsenal win over Everton should be on everybody’s lips.

David Sullivan has claimed that the departure of Steve Bruce was “the best thing that has ever happened to Birmingham City.”

He’s obviously forgotten about the glorious Auto Windscreens Shield campaign of 1995.

The Blues can crack a managerless Fulham at 10/11.

Sol Campbell doesn't appreciate terrace banter. The big man has asked for intervention from the FA, the PFA, and somewhat optimistically, the government.

I just can’t see Gordon Brown introducing a ministry for the concerns of the slightly deranged.

Portsmouth are unbeaten against Boro in their last 10 meets. I’d rather listen to a repeat of the Queen’s speech than miss the 7/10 for a Pompey win.

I try to stay away from the political arena as a rule, but there is something seriously amiss in this country when the likable Al Bangura is threatened with deportation, yet the campaign to remove Robbie Savage is ignored by the suits in Westminster.

The 10/11 for a Blackburn win against the luckless Derby is equally perplexing.

Roy Keane has been linked with a move for Robbie Savage in the January window. I’m pleased that the Irishman hasn’t allowed Sunderland’s perilous position to affect his sense of humour.

I’ll be laughing like Peter Beardsley’s photographer when I take the 6/4 for a Sunderland win over Bolton.

Jermain Defoe remains understandably unhappy with his prolonged spell on the bench, as he has to keep a continual eye out for a drunken Alan Davies.

Tottenham are firing on all cylinders; I’ll happily take a bite out of the 4/7 for a Spurs win against a floundering Reading.

Wayne Rooney allegedly made a few risqué suggestions to a Daily Mirror reporter at Manchester United’s controversial Christmas bash.

A stunned Mr. McGovern was forced to make his excuses and leave.

I won’t be knocking back the 3/1 for a draw between West Ham and Manchester United.

Chelsea have been leaking goals since John Terry met with Emmanuel Eboue’s studs of immediate justice—but they face a Newcastle side who remain impotent on the road.

We should all rise to welcome the 4/9 for a Chelsea win.

Alex can consider himself fortunate to be JT’s replacement. The Brazilian could stand back-to-back with Frank Lampard and form a perfect circle.

Portsmouth, Tottenham, Arsenal, and Liverpool form a 10/1 accer that is the literal definition of perfection.