Bleacher Report - Articles by Christopher Murphy

Jimmy Clausen Punches Own Face, Notre Dame Enters Top 25 Boxing Poll (Satire)

Christopher Murphy — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 13:36:39 -0500

In an attempt to avoid losing to another school people forgot had a football team, Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Clausen was seen punching himself in the face outside a bar at 2 a.m. It was the best use of his arm Notre Dame fans have seen all season.

Notre Dame fans cheered the fight between Clausen and himself, saying it was the greatest boxing match in the history of fighting. Surprisingly enough, Notre Dame moved into the ESPN Top 25 College Boxing poll soon after the scuffle.

"There is just so much tradition and his outfit was so cool," one fan said. "It's Notre Dame. They have to be in the Top 25."

When reminded that Notre Dame hadn't been relevant in boxing in 20 years, the fan said, "So? They are Notre Dame. Clausen, his face, and his fist are the greatest trio in college history no matter what facts say."

The red-headed, freckled fan then proceeded to dance a little jig while drinking Guinness and talking loudly about beating his wife.

Mobs of Fighting Irish fans are swarming together, however, to hunt down Jimmy Clausen for fighting Jimmy Clausen.

"We don't know the facts, but we are positive Clausen sucker punched himself," Timmy O'Toole, the leader of one of the mobs said.

"Although they are awful, we must stick with the players, talk about their potential and the higher standard Notre Dame has for them, and, more importantly, deny facts against them."

When asked what he thought about evidence saying Clausen brought the fight against himself on himself O'Toole said, "A Notre Dame player never does anything wrong."

O'Toole then proceeded to pound the table with his hand while laughing hysterically at his own jokes.

ABC bought the rights to Notre Dame boxing and will have a rematch of Clausen vs. Clausen on Thanksgiving.

Week Ten: What We Learned about the Chicago Bears...We Aren't Thankful for Them.

Christopher Murphy — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 02:00:42 -0500

Just like the Chicago Bears, I press on with my mistake rather than fixing it and continue to headline my articles a week behind due to forgetting the bye week many moons ago. I stick with the motto of the Chicago Bears: "If it's broke, don't fix it, sign it to an extension."

So please refrain from commenting on the headline. Or you could be like Tab Bamford and be the only one to comment on the headline weeks after I said it would be an ongoing joke only to then whine your way to the top of B/R to get the comments removed when I bring up the fact you posted your article on the blog of the idiotic, but extremely tan, Comcast Sports Net/WGN Radio babbler Dave Kaplan for his immaculate approval.

But I know you won't do that because you, loyal reader, know if the headline is the biggest problem you have with an article, there is no problem.

Clearly B/R gives special treatment to Taylor University football players. I hope one day to have the time and ego to post my dated blogger accomplishments in my profile like Tab.

One can only dream.

But back to business. In a huge shocker, the Bears lost with the final offensive play being a Jay Cutler interception...again.

All the Bears essentially have to do now to make the playoffs is beat the Vikings twice, Ravens, Rams, Packers, and Lions.

Offensive

The Bears offense combines two negatives, an awful offensive line and a quarterback who forces the ball, and nothing positive comes of it. Add in receivers who can't run routes or catch any difficult pass with a now self-conscious quarterback and you have an equation that equals L.

Cutler completed 24 of 43 passes for 171 yards. That's 7.1 yards per completion with his longest being to Earl Bennett for 23 yards. Three times Cutler overthrew receptions which would have led to touchdowns.

Cutler was clearly playing timidly, not keeping his feet and continuing to stare down receivers, which essentially led to his only interception, sealing the loss. Only once did Cutler seem to get into a groove which led to a 15-yard touchdown pass to Kellen Davis, the Bears first touchdown in six quarters.

I'm running out of excuses for Jay Cutler. He seems to be a different quarterback every game, but this latest version of Cutler was hard to watch. He was like a frightened child.

The offensive line was awful as usual forcing Cutler immediately out of the pocket and producing no running game while adding the occasional penalty to round things out. Between Cutler, Matt Forte, and Kahlil Bell, the Bears rushed for 126 yards on 20 carries, but 72 of them came on one play, which I'm sure will lead to genius Bears fans calling for Bell to start over Forte.

Forte had 34 yards rushing on 14 carries. Runs up the middle physically do not work for the Bears as their line apparently blocks with invisible boulders attached to their legs.

Robbie Gould, who scored 13 of the Bears 20 points, and Brad Maynard are the MVPs of the Bears offense.

Defenses Can't Live and Die By the Turnover

Yes, forcing three fumbles and an interception is good, but giving up 377 total yards will not get things done. Surviving on turnovers alone will not work.

A new week means a new career day for another running back as LeSean McCoy had his highest rushing total of his career finishing the day with 99 yards.

DeSean Jackson had his second-highest receiving day of the season finishing with 107 yards.

Once again, the Bears defense was unable to stop the main points of an offense and allowed the other parts of the offense to do their usual production. "Keeping a team in the game" does not mean giving up 24 points, 14 of which coming via huge breakdowns by Hunter Hillenmeyer and Al Afalava.

The Bears defensive line came out with one-and-a-half sacks. An improvement from their normal sack total of one.

The Positive

The end of the season is six weeks away.

These articles will get shorter due to the fact I probably will stop watching Bears games.

There are new episodes of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and The League this Thursday. (After Further Review: Nevermind, I was just informed there are not new episodes this week thanks to stupid Thanksgiving. I'm sure we can find a way to blame the Bears for this one.)

Fighting Illini Basketball Is Back and Here to Stay

Christopher Murphy — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 14:23:00 -0500

After a two-year showing of complete mediocrity and borderline bad..ocrity in 2006 through 2008, the Fighting Illini of Illinois are back.

After a 24-10 campaign last year, which ended in a first-round loss to Western Kentucky as a five seed in the NCAA tournament, with sophomores Demetri McCamey, Mike Davis, and Mike Tisdale breaking out, the Illini have added freshman Brandon Paul and D.J. Richardson to the mix.

Richardson was ranked 14th among high school shooting guards in the country, while Paul was 23rd, both being 2009 ESPN Top 100 recruits, and both have shown to fit well in Bruce Weber's system early in the season.

Richardson plays stifling defense which makes up for the loss of Chester Frazier and Calvin Brock, who, although unable to put the ball in the basket, played shut-down defense. Richardson, however, can score as well.

Paul can simply do it all. He can drive, shoot, and the Illini finally have another three-point threat besides McCamey, who worked in the offseason moving from shooting guard to the point.

What people are not seeing with the Illini is the other two freshman, Tyler Griffey and Joseph Bertrand, who are simply not starting because the Illinois starting five is just that good.

Griffey, another 2009 ESPN Top 100 recruit, is a power forward with the ability to work in the post, while having the ability to hit from beyond the arc with regularity. Bertrand, although not a Top 100 recruit, was given a grade of 88/100 from ESPN, is a shooting guard who can also hit the three-point shot and has confidence handling the ball.

This season you are looking at a starting five of juniors McCamey, Davis, and Tisdale along with freshman Paul and Richardson. The Illini also have big-bodied senior Dominique Keller to come off the bench to fill in for Tisdale when he decides to play like a frightened child, junior Alex Legion to come in for an offensive spark, along with Griffey and Bertrand.

Next season, the Illini should only lose Keller and fan-favorite Bubba Chisolm. They will gain, however, the 5th-ranked small forward in Jereme Richmond, who some are calling the "biggest recruit in Illinois history", the 3rd-ranked center in Meyers Leonard, and Crandall Head, brother of Luther and ranked 21st among shooting guards. All three are 2010 ESPN Top 100 recruits.

The Illini are already set for when Tisdale and Davis leave in two seasons with Stan Simpson and Griffey, but these recruiting classes not only secure the Illini even more, but make for difficult competition for playing time along with an impressive bench.

Illinois also has verbal commitments for 2011 from Chicago southland standouts 9th-ranked point guard Tracy Abrams from Mount Carmel High School and 11th-ranked center Nnanna Egwu from St. Ignatius. We all know how verbal commitments can play out, however.

The Illini ran into a bad match-up in the tournament last year, facing a Western Kentucky team that not only defeated Louisville, but had four players from the Sweet Sixteen team the year before. The Illini, as a team, had 74 minutes of tournament experience 56 of which were sitting on the bench with an injury in the form of Frazier. Any intelligent college basketball fan had Illinois losing that game.

This year, however, is a different story. The Illini are young, talented, and more importantly, experienced.

The Big Ten is on the rise and these recruiting classes were a must not just for the Illini to compete, but also for Weber to keep his job.

Week Nine: What We Learned About The Chicago Bears...They Are Really Bad

Christopher Murphy — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 13:33:32 -0500

NFL announcers and writers tend to over-analyze everything and repeat themselves over and over and over and over and over again, which is why I will never understand why ESPN shows NFL Live year-round.

Out of all this repetition, we begin to get idiotic comments that go overlooked and are just accepted like "that guy is a football player" or "this team just knows how to play football" or anything that comes out of Chris Berman's mouth.

I refuse to become a mindless, repetitive robot and continue saying the things the world knows about the Chicago Bears after yet another loss to another beatable team in the form of the San Francisco 49ers.

It is very simple, if you have no offensive line, no running game, dumb receivers, a quarterback who will force too much, a defensive line that doesn't get pressure, and a defense that gets injured with a strong breeze, you will be a bad football team.

The Chicago Bears are a bad football team.

Of course, blaming a franchise quarterback is the easiest thing in the world to do when calling in radio shows and complaining about a football team and lord knows Chicago fans love going the easy route when analyzing any sport (they still think a fan lost them a World Series appearance and small ball won them another).

The Chicago Bears are a bad football team, not a bad quarterback.

The Defense Stopped Alex Smith....Yay?

Not exactly sure why the Bears defense is being bowed down to after giving up 104 yards on 25 carries to the only difficult part of the 49ers offense, Frank Gore. This was Gore's second highest rushing total this season.

With nine minutes left in the game and the Bears trailing by four, the Bears defense was able to stop the 49ers...after a drive of six minutes and 14 seconds.

In between going offside three times, one occurrence nullifying a Lance Briggs interception, and giving up 110 yards rushing, the Bears defensive line had two sacks.

The Bears held Alex Smith to 118 yards on 16-of-23 passing with one interception and were able to lock up Smith's first win in eight starts.

Zackary Bowman left with an abdominal injury. Once again, if you know anyone who can play defense for 16 games, call the Chicago Bears.

Jay Cutler is our Quarterback?

It is getting more and more difficult to stick up for Jay Cutler as he threw five interceptions to push his league-leading total to 17.

Yes, Devin Hester fell on one interception, stopped a route on another, and another was a clear pass interference along with an awful snap by the, for some reason, 500-time Pro Bowler Olin Kreutz, but there is no excuse for throwing interceptions in the redzone, which Cutler did twice and has done nine times in the last two seasons combined.

Two picks in the redzone equals at least six points lost and the win for the Bears.

Cutler's decision-making just isn't there and it doesn't help when there is no time to throw or any type of running game. That combination has disaster written all over it and so far the Bears have seen it.

The gunslinger mentality is only useful when you have weapons and a connection with your receivers, hence why it worked for Brett Favre in Green Bay. The Bears receivers are in no way shape or form weapons nor have they had the time to learn Cutler's habits when a route breaks down.

If You Can't Beat Them, Cheat

Interceptions weren't the only problem for the Bears as they were flagged 10 times for 75 yards showing once again how well-coached and disciplined they are.

As stated above, an offside penalty against Adewale Ogunleye took away a Lance Briggs interception, and an illegal-man-downfield foul on Roberto Garza wiped out a 40-yard pass from Cutler to Earl Bennett.

And to continue the trend of the head-scratching season, the Bears were flagged twice for delay of game penalities during their two-minute drill at the end of the first half.

One penalty came as Robbie Gould hit a 45-yard field right before the half. Gould was forced to hit a 50-yard field goal after the penalty was assessed. What boggles the mind regarding this was the Bears had one timeout remaining.

Where was the coaching staff when the playclock was winding down?

Just read the sequence below of the final drive for the Bears because I don't feel like writing the details:

1st-10, CHI20     2:47    J. Cutler incomplete pass to the right
2nd-10, CHI20     2:42     J. Cutler incomplete pass down the middle
3rd-10, CHI20      2:36     J. Cutler incomplete pass to the left
4th-10, CHI20      2:31     SF committed 5 yard penalty
1st-10, CHI25      2:23     M. Forte rushed to the right for 3 yard gain. CHI committed 10 yard penalty
1st-17, CHI18      2:15     J. Cutler passed to M. Forte to the left for 12 yard gain. CHI committed 15 yard penalty
1st-20, CHI15      2:00     J. Cutler passed to D. Hester to the right for 10 yard gain
3rd-10, CHI25      1:34     J. Cutler passed to M. Forte down the middle for 20 yard gain

In one minute and 13 seconds the Bears moved five yards while trailing by four in their final drive of the game thanks to two huge penalties.

Playoff teams do not play like this and the Chicago Bears are not a playoff team.

Did I mention I'm tired of sounding repetitive?

Week Eight: What We Learned About The Chicago Bears...They Are Bad

Christopher Murphy — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 16:48:13 -0500

After a dream vacation in victory lane against the Cleveland Browns, the Chicago Bears came back to reality Sunday and were completely dominated by another solid, but beatable team in the form of the Arizona Cardinals.

However, bad teams lose to beatable teams and the Bears proved to all the doubters out there that they are indeed bad.

The Bears gave up four touchdowns on the first four Cardinal drives and that was the end of it. As always, the Bears decided to attempt some kind of come-back in order to make the score look readable, but in no way shape or form were the Bears ever in this game.

The Bears Are Easier to Score on Than Your Mom

It is not like the first four Cardinal scoring drives were in Bears territory either. Kurt Warner led the Cardinals on drives of 81, 74, 70, and 86.

Arizona converted on their first eight, third downs. As football rules state, in order to get off the field, the defense must stop an offense on three plays.

The Cardinals had 320 yards and 21 first downs in the first half. Matt Forte has 441 yards on the entire season to put that into perspective...and I was basically looking for an excuse to knock Forte's production.

The Cardinals did all this without Anquan Boldin.

And to the people who roll their eyes and say no team can stop Larry Fitzgerald, the Cardinals found a rushing attack against the Bears defense as well. The Cardinals were averaging an NFL-low 64.9 yards per game rushing and had 182 yards on 31 carries against the Bears.

And to the people who for some reason continue to make excuses for the Bears and say they ran into a running back on a career day, Tim Hightower (averaging 35.4 yards per game this season) had 77 yards rushing and Beanie Wells (averaging 38.8 yards per game this season) had 72 yards rushing. This was Wells' highest and Hightower's second highest rushing total in a game in the NFL.

Two players having a career day rushing is not a fluke.

The rushing debacle could have been thanks to Tommie Harris making his hardest hit of the season...with his fist...to Deuce Lutui's helmet. Harris was ejected after four plays. A sign that this team is well-coached and disciplined.

Perhaps instead of writing "PSALM" across his nose, Harris should write "CALM"...no? Bad joke? Lets move on.

Not exactly sure why players feel the need to punch other players in their helmets. I don't see how that hurts anyone but the puncher, while the punchee laughs at the flag/ejection that follows.

In terms of non-scumbag departures, the Bears lost Charles Tillman and Al Afalava to shoulder injuries in the first half as well.

The Bears will be holding open tryouts for people who can play defense for 16 games of football without getting hurt. Apparently there are people in the world who can do that nowadays.

The D-line Got a Sack, but No Balls

The defensive line actually got a sack from Alex Brown in between letting up 182 yards rushing and punching people.

However, they were unable to get the football...what balls were you thinking of?

Get your head out of the gutter, we all know the Bears defense has no testicles.

Jay Cutler is our Quarterback

Cutler actually had a really good game even after it became pretty obvious the Bears would be throwing on every play. Cutler was 29-of-47 for 369 yards with three touchdowns and one interception with a passer rating of 98.6. All three touchdowns were to Greg Olsen who remained on my fantasy team's bench.

Cutler was sacked four times, which is bound to happen when you pass 47 times.

Forte had 33 rushes off of five carries, but the possibility of a running game progressing was short-lived thanks to the Bears forgetting to play defense.

The Bears Are Who I Thought They Were...Mediocre

At this point the Bears are borderline bad as opposed to mediocre. They are field goals away from losing to the Steelers, before they realized Rashard Mendenhall was better than Willie Parker, and the Seahawks, who nearly won with Seneca Wallace as their starting quarterback.

That leaves wins over the Detroit Lions and the Browns. Impressive if you're in the Arena Football League, but not in the NFL.

The problem for the Bears is they only have two wins left on the schedule against the St. Louis Rams and the Lions. Otherwise they play the San Francisco 49ers, Philadelphia Eagles, Green Bay Packers, Baltimore Ravens, and the Minnesota Vikings twice.

Amongst that mess, I only see maybe two wins, three tops.

The Bears are looking at a best-case scenario of 9-7 and that won't cut it, especially since they've already lost to teams they will be competing with for the wild card spots.

A new quarterback cannot play defense nor can he improve the offensive line, so thinking the Bears were going to the Super Bowl solely because of the addition of Jay Cutler was foolish. The Bears came into the season depending on inexperienced receivers, an aged offensive line, a second-year running back, and a defense that was awful last season.

The Bears fairy god-quarterback has no powers that can make that into a winning football team.

Sammy Sosa to Haunt Hall of Fame Until Gaining Entry (Satire)

Christopher Murphy — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 13:43:04 -0500

Sammy Sosa has decided to bleech his skin in honor of the recently deceased, but still talked about over and over again, Michael Jackson.

Sosa immediately denounced that this was an odd reaction to any of the "Flinstone vitamins" he took during his home run days.

"I must first and foremost say my skin color is not due to the steroids I took for so many years," Sosa said. "I was hoping as a white man, I'd have a better shot at the Hall of Fame."

After the comment, Sosa consulted his translator only to forget how to speak English all over again. The only words he remembered were "Pepsi", "It's so real", and "Hall of Fame".

When asked if his Michael Jackson dedication meant he'd be pursuing the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame as well, Sosa remembered English again and had this to say:

"I think I deserve to be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame even though I do not play my own instruments, write my lyrics, and I lipsync."

Sosa claimed with his new skin that he would be haunting both the baseball and Rock and Roll Hall of Fames until gaining entry to both.

A Blind Monkey Could Have Managed This New York Yankees Team

Christopher Murphy — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 12:53:48 -0500

Please tell me Cub fans and the media aren't going to talk about how Joe Girardi is about to win the World Series and how the Cubs passed on him for Lou Piniella...oh wait, they already did.

They are forgetting the whole team factor and how as long as you have a finger to point, you could manage this New York Yankees team.

Is it hard to put together a lineup featuring Jorge Posada, Mark Teixeira, Robinson Cano, Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, Hideki Matsui, Johnny Damon, Melky Cabrera, and Nick Swisher?

Can you close your eyes and point? You could literally be blind and make a good lineup out of that cast.

The Yankees went out and got Girardi not just the best talent in free agency, but in the game in the forms of Teixeira, CC Sabathia, and A.J. Burnett, while trading for Nick Swisher. The Cubs went out and got Piniella, Milton Bradley for $5 million more than Adam Dunn and Bobby Abreu combined, and re-signed one-year wonder starting pitcher Ryan Dempster to a big fat contract.

Yes, I'm sure it was hard putting up with the Alex Rodriguez mess, so Girardi put his thinking cap on and played Cody Ransom and Ramiro Pena? Really? The Yankees went 13-15 during that stint.

I guess the Yankees forgot to buy Girardi a backup third baseman.

With all the problems that usually come with Alex Rodriguez, Girardi received a gift in the fact this season Rodriguez stayed out of the spotlight and just played baseball. Piniella got Milton Bradley and Carlos Zambrano who re-discovered their crazy ways this season.

Is it really that hard to hand the ball to a healthy Sabathia, Burnett, and Andy Pettitte over and over again? The only real decision Girardi had during the season is he made a mess of the fourth and fifth starter for the Yankees.

Girardi threw around Joba Chamberlain, Chien-Ming Wang, Phillip Hughes, Sergio Mitre, and Chad Gaudin when in reality, for the future of the Yankees and for the best pitching staff, it clearly should have been Joba Chamberlain and Phil Hughes.

You do not give up on a 23-year-old like Phillip Hughes and stick him in the bullpen. Yes, he's done a fantastic job in the bullpen, but after starting 13 games two years ago in his rookie season, you give up on him after eight starts?

Hughes pitched 86 innings this year, so why not let him be the fifth starter? All you really need out of your fifth starter is an ERA below 5.00, so there really isn't much pressure.

Although, this was probably the best for Hughes with Girardi's history of ruining pitcher's arms as he did in 2006 with the Florida Marlins, he still won Manager of The Year for finishing fourth in the division with 78-84 overall record.

Scott Olson (italics is the Girardi year)

2006 (22-year-old rookie a year after having an elbow injury) -180.2 IP, 4.04 era, 1.30 WHIP

2007 - 176.2 IP, 5.81 ERA, 1.76 WHIP
2008 - 201.2 IP, 4.20 ERA, 1.31 WHIP
2009 (Left shoulder surgery to end the season) - 62.2 IP, 6.03 ERA, 1.72 WHIP

Josh Johnson (italics is the Girardi year)

2006 (22-year-old rookie) - 157 IP, 3.10 ERA, 1.30 WHIP

2007 (Tommy John Surgery) - 15.2 IP, 7.47 ERA, 2.43 WHIP
2008 (returns from Tommy John midseason) - 87.1 IP, 3.61 ERA, 1.35 WHIP
2009 - 209 IP, 3.23 ERA, 1.16 WHIP

Ricky Nolasco (italics is the Girardi year)

2006 (23-year-old rookie) - 140 IP, 4.82 ERA, 1.41 WHIP

2007 (out 75 days with right elbow inflammation) - 21.1 IP, 5.48 ERA, 1.64 WHIP
2008 - 212.1 IP, 3.52 ERA, 1.10 WHIP
2009 - 185 IP, 5.06 ERA, 1.25 WHIP

Anibal Sanchez (italics is the Girardi year)

2006 (22-year-old rookie) - 114.1 IP, 2.83 ERA, 1.19 WHIP

2007 (shoulder problems during spring training, demoted to AAA on May 4, surgery to repair tear in his labrum June 21) - 30 IP, 4.80 ERA, 2.07 WHIP
2008 - (returns midseason) - 51. 2 IP, 5.57 ERA, 1.57 WHIP
2009 - 86 IP, 3.87 ERA, 1.51 WHIP

Dontrelle Willis (italics is the Girardi year)

2003 (Rookie of the Year) - 160.2 IP, 3.30 ERA, 1.28 WHIP
2004 - 197 IP, 4.02 ERA, 1.38 WHIP
2005 - 236.1 IP, 2.63 ERA, 1.13 WHIP

2006 (24 years old) - 223.1 IP, 3.87 ERA, 1.42 WHIP

2007 - 205.1 IP, 5.17 ERA, 1.60 WHIP
2008 - 24 IP, 9.38 ERA, 2.21 WHIP
2009 - 33.2 IP, 7.49 ERA, 1.93 WHIP

As a Rookie of the Year winner, Dontrelle Willis pitched 160.2 innings.

If Willis was pitching 160.2 innings, then why were Josh Johnson, Scott Olsen, and Ricky Nolasco, as 22 and 23 year-olds, pitching more or around that same level on a team that was clearly not going win the World Series?

Notice the setbacks and injuries each of these pitchers have had in their careers and in the case of Willis, Nolasco, and Olsen, the essential endings of their careers after Girardi wham-bam-thank-you-ma'amed them in a quest to finish fourth in the division.

The Cubs need not look no further than Kerry Wood to know the effects of overworking pitchers under the age of 25.

Comparing Lou Piniella or any manager for that matter to Joe Girardi is not fair.

What happened last year when the Yankees were hit with injuries to Jeter, Rodriguez, Posada, and the main horses for Girardi's pitching staff were Mike Mussina and Andy Pettitte? What happened when Girardi had to do some actual managing?

The Yankees didn't make the playoffs for the first time since 1993, finishing with 89 wins.

In 2009, Girardi was given one of the best hitters in the game in Mark Teixeira and two aces in the forms of CC Sabathia and A.J. Burnett, both of whom stayed healthy for him. Along with that, the Yankees got a steal for Nick Swisher who although wasn't pressured to do anything, threw in 29 home runs on the season and a .371 OBP.

He was given the perfect team under perfectly healthy circumstances and he will most likely finish with the perfect result.

What managing did he actually have to do?

Girardi is just a finger that can point to the bullpen when Mariano Rivera needs to come to the rescue.

That finger, however, will probably have a ring on it soon thanks to 2009 All-Star Team New York Yankees.

Week Seven: What We Learned about the Chicago Bears

Christopher Murphy — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 13:22:39 -0500

Who knew it was possible to make a 30-6 win look mediocre, but the Chicago Bears found a way.

The defense forced turnovers, which was a positive sign, however, the defensive line and offensive line were once again nowhere to be found.

The offense as a whole looked like a car driven by crash test dummies into a wall, scoring 20 points mainly because of the defense and struggling in the redzone. Starring as the crash test dummies were Orlando Pace, Josh Beekman, Olin Kreutz, Roberto Garza, and Chris Williams. Starring as the car was Jay Cutler.

Oh, and by the way, the Bears played the Cleveland Browns.

Mommy, What's That Red Stuff Coming Out of Jay's Mouth?

The real question is, "Mommy, what are those guys in front of Jay supposed to do?" Although, your mom would be pretty cool if she knew each lineman's assignment.

Once again, the offensive line decided not to block for Cutler, allowing four sacks and seven quarterback hits answering Cutler's question as to what his blood tastes like.

Beekman finally replaced Frank Omiyale, but the man who was welcoming him back to the starting lineup was defensive tackle Shaun Rogers. No easy task your first day back on the job.

The offensive line looks lost and the Bears do not have a fullback-tight end combo, or a running back that is going to bail them out blocking. Offensive coordinator Ron Turner said Sunday the Bears would scale back the offense to help the offensive line.

What does that mean? The mediocre-to-bad Bears offense is going to play more timidly?

Cutler wasn't all that special when he had time, going 17-of-30 for 225 yards with one interception and a 66.7 passer rating. This was his first game without a touchdown pass.

The fact the Bears have nine more games against better defenses than the Browns, has to leave Bears fans wondering not only if Cutler will play the rest of the season, but if he will be alive by the end of it.

Could Running Be Matt's Forte?

UOL (ugh out loud, you heard it here first), not another pun involving Forte's last name; I apologize.

Forte finished with 90 yards on 26 carries and two touchdowns. He never had a run more than 12 yards, but I suppose it's a step forward. Any step against the Browns, however, is really more like a half step. His only two quality games have come against the Detroit Lions and the Browns.

The two touchdowns proved huge, however, based on the fact that the Bears could not score in the red zone or get anything going early. They went three-and-out on their first two possessions and then settled for Robbie Gould field goals of 37, 29, and 32 yards after reaching the Cleveland nine, 11, and three yard lines.

The Bears didn't get into the endzone until 1:56 was left in the first half to make it 16-0 and that was thanks to a roughing the passer penalty by Kamerion Wimbley on third down at the Browns' 31. It was a 10-play, 71-yard drive, but an offense cannot bank on stupid roughing the passer flags to score touchdowns.

The fact that the score was 16-6 against the Browns with under two minutes left in the third quarter is not a good sign.

The Bears had another red zone opportunity go to waste in the fourth quarter after Cutler threw the ball away on first down, Forte was stopped for no gain on second down, and was held to one yard on third down.

On fourth-and-goal from the one-yard line, Cutler’s pass, intended for Desmond Clark, was batted down by Wimbley.

Whatever the Bears are doing in the red zone is just not working. Getting past the goal-line inside the 10 for them is like pulling teeth.

The Defense Bullied the Nerdy Browns

The secondary for the Bears did it all. The Browns had only 74 yards passing, while the secondary was responsible for four of the Bears' five takeaways, one of which Charles Tillman took back for the Bears' first defensive touchdown of the season. The secondary did what a good secondary should do against a bad team; they dominated.

The line backing crew and defensive line, however, were not so good. The defensive line had one sack and the Browns rushed for 117 yards. Tommie Harris was back, which helped a little, but he didn't bring anything spectacular to the table.

There Is Something Special about Looking into Brady Maynard's Eyes

The Bears special teams did everything right except on two trip-ups. Maynard shanked a punt, but that was after a penalty was called on Garrett Wolfe, which brought back the previous punt. Hester had a touchdown return off a punt brought back on a penalty as well.

Besides those two instances, Maynard dropped three of five punts inside the 20 and Robbie Gould was three of three on field goals. Hester showed promise on the touchdown return brought back on a penalty and the coverage team held the best return man in the NFL, Josh Cribbs, to 23 yards per return.

Overall, the Bears stopped their two-game losing streak and beat a bad team. However, for the third week in a row, the Bears looked uninspired and sluggish.

The offense couldn't score in the red zone, both lines played terribly, and Cutler was on his back the entire game.

A playoff team does not let any of that happen against one of the worst teams—not just this year, but ever in the NFL.

All these factors of not looking prepared point to the coaching staff and leave Bears fans wondering what they are doing all week.

What will happen if the defensive line cannot get pressure against the Cardinals with Kurt Warner at quarterback and Larry Fitzgerald, Anquan Boldin, and Steve Breaston running wild? That's what is on the menu for next week.

The Bears, in a 30-6 win, found a way to teach us that they really are not a playoff team.

Week Six: What We Learned About The Chicago Bears

Christopher Murphy — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 14:04:07 -0400

Although I just realized it is technically week seven and actually game six, I am sticking with my mistake and am going to carry it out until the end. That's the American way.

As for the Chicago Bears, what we learned about them after week seven and game six is they are extremely mediocre at every position except quarterback and linebacker in the forms of Jay Cutler and Lance Briggs.

Unfortunately no help around both positions, no matter how good the positions are, leads to losses.

The Offensive Line and Matt Forte Do Not Exist

With the Broncos, Cutler was sacked every 57 snaps. With the Bears, Cutler is sacked every 18 snaps. Not good.

Matt Forte had 24 yards on just six carries as the Bears had to pass most of the game. He did have four catches for 25 yards. You'd like to see the Bears get Forte going in the passing game more considering there is no run-blocking up the middle.

With the receivers the Bears have, having no running game is unacceptable and impossible to win with. The Bears are not the Patriots or the Colts.

Notice how Hunter Hillenmeyer and Nick Roach bit on the play-action by Carson Palmer, who then threw to J.P. Foschi for a three-yard touchdown pass. That is what a running game will do for your passing game.

The play-action worked all day for Palmer because Cedric Benson was having his way with the Bears.

Two Weeks in a Row Without a Sack

After starting the season scorching hot, the defensive line has been nowhere to be found the last two weeks for the Bears.

Benson ran for 189 yards and Palmer had all the time in the world to throw.

This could be why the Bengals didn't punt until midway through the fourth quarter.

Secondary Scorched

This is hard to pin on the secondary due to the fact the defensive line and blitz packages just didn't work on Sunday. Give any quarterback time to throw and he will find someone.

However, I bring this up because herein lies the difference between the Bears and other NFL teams. Give a quarterback time and players like Chris Henry, Laveranues Coles and Chad Ochocino will find you; players like Devin Hester, Earl Bennett and Johnny Knox will not. They just aren't that experienced with Cutler nor are they that good.

Jay Cutler is our Quarterback

Cutler doesn't get completely off the hook for the offensive line, Matt Forte, and his lack of good receivers. Cutler knew what he was getting himself into when he came to the Bears, so his three interceptions cannot go without comment.

What I notice when watching the Bears passing game, however, is that if you notice when Cutler looks off his first option, the play is done for. In other words, if the play doesn't work to perfection, it's essentially dead because the line will not hold nor are the receivers good enough to get themselves open on a broken play.

Hester, however, had a solid game hauling in eight catches for 101 yards and a touchdown, but he fumbled on the first drive the Bears offense seemed to have any type of rhythm and essentially ended their chances of a comeback.

Coaching

Coming off a bye week and looking awful in your first two games does not help your coaching staff look too good.

Now, I hate pinning losses on coaches because if the players don't execute, there is nothing they can do. However, you chose to make Frank Omiyale a starter, you chose to bench Tommie Harris, you chose to invest a lot of draft picks and money into the defensive line that can't get pressure on the quarterback, coaches.

You are choosing to not use Forte in the passing game, you are choosing to send Hester and Knox deep when the offensive line cannot give Cutler enough time, and you are choosing not to use a double tight end set.

Coaches must get part of the blame because a lot of what you see on Sundays stem from their choices.

However, I hate to sound like the typical idiotic fan and blame everything on play-calling and what not due to the fact the Bears just aren't executing the two main features in a football game: blocking up front on offense and getting pressure on the quarterback on defense.

Without those two factors, no coach in the world can win. However, the other side of that argument is the coaches choose the offensive line, the defensive line and blitz packages.

Essentially everyone is to blame...ESPECIALLY YOU, THE READER. This is all your fault.

Stop reading blogs and go buy a newspaper, you bastards, I'm tired of working for free...sorry, I got a little side-tracked.

The Bears look awfully mediocre and the fact they already lost to the Falcons and Packers, who they most likely will be fighting for a wildcard spot with, is not a good sign for tiebreakers. They also physically cannot beat the Vikings in any way shape or form at this point.

Ladies and Gentlemen, they are playing and looking like a third-place team.

Even third-place teams, however, should beat the Cleveland Browns, so this would be a good week to get the Bears back on the positive note and above .500.

McGwire Stresses Steroids To Cardinals Hitters (Satire)

Christopher Murphy — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 14:06:47 -0400

"I can't push this enough," Mark McGwire said addressing his Cardinals' players. "Steroids help you hit."

McGwire, former Home Run King, will return to the St. Louis Cardinals as their new hitting coach, and he has a simple slogan: "Get Big...Illegally"

McGwire proceeded to pull a Mike Singletary during his meeting and pull down his pants revealing his testicles had disappeared.

"Would you rather have big balls or hit the balls big?" McGwire asked.

The Cardinals players seemed to take to the slogan and clearly so did management.

"I'm on board," Cardinals manager Tony La Russa said. "Cheating is the new fair."

A couple players were a bit put off by the whole thing, but came around in the end.

"Cheating may be the way to go," center fielder Rick Ankiel said. "I'm willing to try something old...I mean new."

"As long as it doesn't injure my mustache, I could care less about what it does to my body, my speed, my defense, my pride, and my seed compartments (testicles)," shortstop Brendan Ryan said. "I'm tired of being compared to a worthless wiener like David Eckstein anyway."

The main focus, however, was how slugger Albert Pujols would feel about the new hitting coach and his slogan.

"If you can't beat them, join them," Pujols said. "A needle to the butt never hurt anyone and clearly will never lead to jail time. If I get caught, I can pull a (Sammy) Sosa and forget how to speak English anyway."

McGwire was a little timid to answer questions about the reported meeting with Cardinal hitters.

"I'm not here to talk about the past," McGwire said. "Even if the past just happened, it is still the past. We must think about the future in the present. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go hug my son."

Twenty-one-year-old Matthew McGwire, however, seemed a little put off when dad, Mark, picked him up in front of cameras.

Only time will tell if McGwire's way of hitting will help bring a World Series to the Cardinals, who are now estimated to hit 500 home runs in 2010.

Week Five: What We Learned About The Chicago Bears

Christopher Murphy — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 17:54:50 -0400

The Chicago Bears game against the Atlanta Falcons was frustrating to say the least for Bears fans. On both sides of the ball the Bears seemed to do the same thing; just give it away.

All three phases of the Bears, however, decided to chip in on this loss.

Red Means Stop?

In four redzone trips, the Bears came away with zero points three times thanks to an interception by Jay Cutler, a fumble by Matt Forte, and a turnover on downs to end the game.

Turnovers shouldn't happen at all, but certainly not in the redzone. If Cutler and Forte don't turn the ball over then you're looking at six points, in which case the Bears would have only needed a field goal to win in their final drive.

Aside From the Name, You Need Hands to Hold a Football

I'm not sure what pointy things were sticking out of the ball on Sunday night, but something must have been stabbing the Bears defenders in the hands. Twice the Bears failed to scoop up a fumble and the next play after one occurrence, Danieal Manning dropped an interception. Even the Bears two interceptions were fumbled.

However, even with the miscues and trouble handling the no-huddle offense of the Falcons, the defense played pretty well as a whole. The defensive line, however, was nowhere to be found for the second time in a row against the Falcons.

Matt Ryan was barely touched in the game and with the weak secondary of the Bears, any quarterback, let alone a very good one, is going to find an open receiver eventually. In two games against the Bears, Ryan has not been sacked.

The Bears defense, however, stopped Michael Turner for the second year in a row.

There is No Clever Way to Say, "The Bears offensive line sucks"

The Bears offensive line sucks.

Two huge false starts in the final drive, including one right before a fourth-and-one at the Falcons five. This, along with a holding call, along with absolutely no run blocking up the middle, along with the revolving door known as Frank Omiyale, leads to the declaration of defectiveness of the Bears offensive line.

Start Beekman over Omiyale any time soon?

Matt Forte had 23 yards on 15 carries. A running back can only go as far as his offensive line will allow him. However, the terrible run blocking of the offensive line is no excuse for two fumbles by Forte in the redzone, which are not going to help his already damaged psyche.

Cutler led the team in rushing with 34 yards and is now closing in on Forte.

Special as in Timmy from South Park Teams

The special teams was saved by a lucky interception off a tipped ball after giving the Falcons a first down for having twelve men on the field for a punt. The Falcons would most likely have gotten at least a field goal without the interception and essentially ended the game.

The special teams, however, were not saved after yielding a 62-yard return directly after the Bears had tied the game with a touchdown. The return led to the Michael Turner game-winning touchdown.

Brad Maynard should get some Pro Bowl recognition one of these years for being really, really good.

I Like My Ends Tight

Greg Olson and Desmond Clark were extremely effective against Atlanta. They combined for eight catches for 89 yards and a touchdown. It would be nice if this combination of tight ends took off after starting extremely slow and in Clark's case, extremely injured.

The Bears out-gained the Falcons 373 yards to 253 yards, converted nine out of 16 third-down chances, held Turner to 30 yards on 13 carries and intercepted Ryan twice and lost.

If that isn't giving the game away then I don't know what is.

News and Notes

Pisa Tinoisamoa underwent an MRI exam Monday after re-injuring his right knee in Sunday night. He injured the same knee that held him out for three games. This could mean a return of Hunter Hillenmeyer or just going back to a linebacking crew of Jamar Williams, Nick Roach, Lance Briggs. Lets hope for the later.

When you have the chance, read the hilarity that is Chad Ochocinco on Twitter.

When did the world become so narcissistic that we believe people care about our random thoughts or what we are doing every hour? If you are going to tweet then tweet like Chad and make it hilarious.

Twitter is almost as bad as blogging...

Chicago Bears Vs Atlanta Falcons: Revenge?

Christopher Murphy — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 12:56:25 -0400

It is hard to pin-point the exact play or game which kept the Chicago Bears out of the playoffs last year. Whether it was the Carolina Panthers game, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers game, the Atlanta Falcons game, or all those games wrapped up in one irritating package is debatable

One play, however, stays with Bears fans and it wasn't even a game-winner.

A 26-yard pass from rookie quarterback Matt Ryan to wide receiver Michael Jenkins with Mike Brown giving the Falcons not only a giant chunk of yardage, but in fact another timeout by shoving Jenkins out of bounds with one second left. Time enough for Jason Elam to hit a 48-yard field goal to win it with 16 seconds to go after the Bears had taken the lead.

The Falcons had two timeouts, but who knows whether they would have been able to call it in time had Brown tackled Jenkins in bounds or better yet, if the Bears not have played prevent defense. Or, not have squib kicked the ball or, not handed the ball off to their fullback to get stuffed on the goal line.

Clearly, many things went wrong in that game and it is not logical to blame it all on one play, when in reality the Bears just weren't that good last year.

Bears fans consistently said their team "blew it" last year, which is true, but that is what mediocre teams do. Mediocre teams let games slip away instead of shutting the door. That is what the Bears were...last year.

I might as well get this off my chest right now; I hate the squib kick. That, Mike Brown's coverage and the Falcons' goal-line stand is what annoyed me the most about that 22-20 loss.

Is it really worth putting a team at their 40 instead of their 20 for a couple extra seconds? That is close enough for a hail mary touchdown and is 30 yards away from decent field goal range.

Not to mention, you never know where a squib is going to bounce. The only thing you are positive about is the opposing team is going to get the ball at the 35 or better and yes, you wasted a couple extra seconds. I'll take the 15-20 yards deeper over the three seconds taken off the clock.

Would you rather have Matt Ryan at the 40 with eight seconds left or Matt Ryan at the 20 with 12 seconds left?

It is all about stopping the pass if the Bears want a different outcome than last year.

The Bears have a better team than the one put on the field against the Falcons last year. The Falcons offense whom already had 301 passing yards on the Bears last year, added Tony Gonzalez at tight end.

The Bears lost Charles Tillman and Danieal Manning in last year's game and because of that, no one could touch Roddy White or even Harry Douglas. The Bears have upgraded with Tillman being healthy and Nick Bowman, although being up and down this season, over Nathan Vasher.

The pass rush for the Bears has been incredible and far better than last year, ranking fifth in the NFL in sack percentage through the first four weeks, led by Adewale Ogunleye. However, three of their first four opponents have completed more than 60 percent of their passes. The Bears have just one interception coming from a defensive back.

The Bears stopped Michael Turner last year, so you would think he will not be a problem with the improved performance of the defensive line, although losing Brian Urlacher could hurt. Hunter Hillenmeyer losing his starting job for what looks like the season helps. Nick Roach is an upgrade from Hillenmeyer, but a downgrade from Urlacher, so not sure what to get out of that.

Oh yeah, the Bears also have Jay Cutler this year. He is a pretty good upgrade along with Earl Bennett and Devin Hester at wide reciever. The offensive line is currently not as as good as it was last year and neither is Matt Forte, but both are coming off their best performance of the season against the Detroit Lions.

The Bears and Falcons should have a good battle Sunday night.

Prediction: Bears 27, Falcons 21.

News and Notes

As I stated above, it looks like Hunter Hillenmeyer is out for Sunday with a rib injury and has a good chance of losing his starting job. Nick Roach will be starting.

Adrian Peterson is most likely out for Sunday's game with a sprained knee, so Garrett Wolf will back up Matt Forte.

Israel Idonije, who underwent arthroscopic knee surgery Oct. 5, is not expected to play Sunday night.

Week Four: What We Learned About the Chicago Bears

Christopher Murphy — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 14:19:32 -0400

Yes, it is the fourth week and we are still learning. This is far different than philosophy class in college.

The Bears were finally able to win as a Super Bowl contender should against a bad team, although, like any Chicago fan, I'm sure I'll be able to find some negatives about it.

The Bears Defense Started Off Slow Again

In the last three games, the Bears have given up touchdowns on each of their opponents' opening drives. Never encouraging, but the way they've rebounded is. The Bears have allowed only 16 second-half points (just one touchdown) in their last three games.

Against the Lions, however, the Bears allowed touchdowns on their first two possessions and 21 first-half points along with 398 total yards in the game. Essentially, the Bears defense did bend, but didn't break.

As has been the story of this season for the defense, the second-half adjustments worked. Charles Tillman was put on Calvin Johnson in the second half and the Bears got to the rookie quarterback Matthew Stafford allowing no touchdowns in seven possessions.

The Lions offense is not laughable, however. Stafford, running back Kevin Smith, and wide receiver Calvin Johnson are a difficult threesome to defend, so give them some credit.

High-Five

The Bears defense had a season-high five sacks and two takeaways deep in Lions' territory.

Tommie Harris intercepted a Stafford screen pass and returned it six yards to the Detroit eight. The interception led to a Greg Olsen touchdown. Israel Idonije sacked Stafford, forcing a fumble that Adewale Ogunleye, who finished with two-and-a-half sacks (god bless athletes in contract years), recovered at the Detroit 19. The fumble led to a Robbie Gould field goal.

Although the defense did allow a lot, mostly in the first half, they did essentially give the offense 10 points back and only allowed three points in the second half.

Jay Cutler, Come On and Raise Up, Take His Feet Out, Spin Him Like A Helicopter

Cutler was able to find nine different connections for the Bears going 18 for 28, with 141 yards and two TDs along with three carries for eight yards and a touchdown.

Can you even name nine offensive options on the Bears?

The rushing touchdown was a sight to see, since I didn't realize quarterbacks can get hit anymore. I guess only quarterbacks with certain jerseys can't get hit. That jersey can be purchased with a free set of tampons and a massage from Chris Berman and Steve Berthiaume.

If you want to win over Chicago fans then you will get in the end zone even if it means pulling the most annoying Madden move, running it as the quarterback. I die a little inside each time I'm forced to use my 91 speed at quarterback, but it is good watching the quarterback of the Bears do it in real life.

Forte Looked Good...Way Better Than the Cleverness of this Headline

Forte had 121 yards on 12 carries including a career-long 61-yard run and a 37-yard touchdown run.

Unfortunately, I'm sure you noticed that 98 of his 121 yards came on two carries. You have to start somewhere, however, so this could be the game that gets Forte going.

Nice to see the offensive line knock around a bad defensive line.

No One Told Johnny Knox or the ball boy Chicago Didn't Get the Olympics...Too Soon?

Johnny Knox, along with the ball boy, decided to run the 102-yard dash even though Chicago didn't get the Olympics, opening the second half and breaking the 21-21 tie. Knox now leads the NFL in kick return average with 35.8 yards per return.

The conservative group "Americans for Prosperity" didn't cheer on Knox prospering due to President Obama being a Bears fan and Chicago now being apart of Russia according to their maps.

What was lost in Knox's return was how well everyone on special teams did. Danieal Manning, Devin Hester, and Earl Bennett each had nice returns, Robbie Gould hit a 52-yard field goal (even after my unjinxing of his jinx which could have easily led to a new jinx), and Brad Maynard, along with his beautiful eyes (don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about) had all four of his punts land inside the 20 yard-line including one landing out of bounds at the two.

Overall, a nice win for the Bears and a perfect time for a bye week considering this will give the Bears time to heal. Hester, Knox, Adrian Peterson, and Zack Bowman all went down during the game against the Lions, but with the bye week, all should play against the Atlanta Falcons.

Week Three: What We Learned About the Chicago Bears

Christopher Murphy — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 12:41:38 -0400

Bears fans really shouldn't be too excited over this win. Yes, it was another nice showing by Jay Cutler to bring the Bears back from a deficit, but who did they beat?

They beat a bad Seahawks team wearing bad jerseys missing their best offensive player, quarterback Matt Hasselbeck, and their best defensive player, linebacker Lofa Tatupu...barely, I may add.

Cutler Was Fantastic

Cutler completed 21 of 27 passes for 247 yards with three TDs, one interception, and a 126.4 passer rating. Besides the one interception inside the Seahawks' 20 and one fumble, which really wasn't his fault, Cutler was perfect.

Cutler also spread the ball out. Earl Bennett had four receptions for 80 yards, Devin Hester had five for 76 including a TD, Greg Olsen had five for 44 including a TD, Matt Forte had six for 40, and Johnny Knox had one for a seven-yard touchdown. The receivers, including Olsen and Forte, had a great game, giving Cutler different weapons to throw to.

Going to the Strip Club Usually Creates Regret

Charles Tillman is a great cornerback. He is a great cornerback because of his coverage, not because of his ability to strip the ball. Causing lots of fumbles means you allow a lot of receptions. As a cornerback, you're not supposed to allow receptions, hence my hatred of this dependence on stripping the ball.

We saw that in what went from being a punt situation to giving the Seahawks a field goal try to handing the Seahawks a touchdown on Tillman's missed tackle on Julius Jones, which turned into a 39-yard touchdown screen pass.

Nothing is more annoying than missed tackles. Wrap up, Bears.

Forte Was Better, but Not Great

Forte finished with 66 yards on the ground—unfortunately on 21 carries, so the average is still not there—and 40 yards receiving. This was his best game of the year, but still not that great. If that fumble in the red zone was not overturned, there is a good chance Forte's confidence would be completely shot. It was an extremely close call that went the Bears' way.

The offensive line continues to look bad, and adding three false starts to their résumé doesn't help.

The Defense Stepped Up in the Second Half

The Bears had only caused one turnover in their first two-and-a-half games but forced two in the second half in Seahawks territory and, more importantly, only allowed six second-half points.

Danieal Manning stripped the ball from T.J. Houshmandzadeh, recovered by Adewale Ogunleye, which led to a Bears touchdown. Lance Briggs also had a diving interception, which led to a Bears field goal.

The defense proved they could make adjustments just as they did against the Steelers. Seneca Wallace and the Seahawks offense seemed to do whatever they wanted in the first half, but the Bears clearly made some changes and got to them in the second half.

Hunter Hillenmeyer looked awful. He was all over the place, and the Seahawks had the middle open all game. Nick Roach stepped up big after Hillenmeyer went down with a rib injury, forcing a Wallace interception from his own end zone and making the final defensive stop of the game on a pass to Jones on 4th-and-2.

The Bears Are Not Scoring Early

The Bears once again failed to score in the first quarter, which is leading to many heart attacks for Bears fans, seeing as they are usually in an early hole. The Bears can't rely on late scoring forever.

I Jinxed Robbie Gould

After claiming I never think Robbie Gould is going to miss a field goal, Gould missed a field goal. I failed to mention the stipulation that I never think he is going to miss inside 50 yards. Outside 50 yards is not good as Gould territory, so I don't hold missing a 53-yarder against him. I'll take the blame for that one.

Saved By the Foot...Again

Olindo Mare missed two makeable field goals, a 43-yarder and a 34-yarder. These points proved to be huge seeing as the Bears won by six.

Overall, yes, it's a win for the Bears, which is nice, but being the pessimistic Chicago fan (who knew there was such a thing?) I am, I have to bring up a couple notes about the Bears so far this year.

Can the Bears continually expect kickers on opposing teams to miss huge field goals? No.

Can the Bears routinely expect late-game comebacks? No.

Can the Bears keep winning with no run game? No.

Can the Bears hope to face better-looking jerseys? Hopefully yes.

Sitting at 2-1 is better than 0-3, but the Bears still have a lot of proving to do if we are to take them seriously as Super Bowl contenders.

Week Two: What We Learned About the Chicago Bears

Christopher Murphy — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 13:40:43 -0400

No more phone calls about bringing back Kyle Orton, Rex Grossman, or some mystical beast named Kex Ortman this week from Bears fans. Jay is our quarterback.

The Bears pulled off a nice win against the defending Super Bowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers Sunday in comeback fashion.

The Bears were trailing 14-7 with under six and a half minutes to play, but Cutler showed why he is a franchise quarterback, manufacturing the game-tying drive by hooking up with Johnny Knox for a seven-yard touchdown and setting up Robbie Gould with his eighth game-winning field goal of his career.

Knox and Kellen Davis, who stepped in nicely for the injured Desmond Clark, both scored their first career NFL touchdowns in the game.

Forte and the O-Line Are Struggling

The offensive line is still not getting the job done. Matt Forte is too talented of a back to be getting 29 yards on 13 carries. He has nowhere to run in the middle because Frank Omiyale is awful.

The pass blocking was pretty good, seeing as Cutler did not get sacked in the first half, though he was rushed a lot more in the second half. You'd like to see him get more time in the pocket. The difference this week, however, was that his receivers somewhat helped him out.

Forte needs to get going—if not for the Bears, for the sanity of many fantasy football teams.

Cutler Is Creating Weapons

Cutler is showing how talented of a quarterback he is by finding different people on every play. Devin Hester and Earl Bennett were nowhere to be found in Week Two; in Bennett's defense he has been nowhere to be found in Year One and Two, so far. Both receivers amassed 53 yards combined on six catches.

Cutler, however, made weapons out of Kellen Davis and Johnny Knox with a hint of Greg Olsen. Think about it: the Bears had no running game, and their No. 1 and No. 2 receivers were nowhere to be found. How did they win? Good quarterbacks create weapons.

Jay is our quarterback.

And I have to say, Ron Turner called a pretty good game, even though Bears fans didn't appreciate a draw play on 3rd-and-12.

The Defense Was Great

I'm sure there were many people rolling their eyes saying "here we go" after the Steelers' 91-yard touchdown drive to start the game, in which Ben Roethlisberger picked them apart. However, the Bears made adjustments with an assortment of blitz and stunts, with one hurry of Roethlisberger leading to the Charles Tillman interception.

Aside from a drive with a terrible Rashard Mendenhall play that started from his backside and an unnecessary roughness penalty from Mark Anderson, the Tyrus Thomas of the Chicago Bears, the defense didn't yield a thing after the first drive, due partially to Steeler's kicker Jeff Reed forgetting that the ball is supposed to go between the field goal posts.

Hunter Hillenmeyer and Nick Roach replaced the injured Brian Urlacher and Pisa Tinoisamoa at middle and strongside linebacker. Cornerback Zackary Bowman and free safety Danieal Manning returned to the spots they held before missing the first three preseason games with hamstring injuries.

Four new starters on defense and they didn't miss a beat.

It is funny how you don't notice Nathan Vasher when he isn't on the field. That is partially because you do not see bombs for touchdowns.

Alex Brown had a great game with two sacks, and even Tommie Harris looked decent.

A few irritating mistakes and mistackles on the defensive side, but that is part of the game and, other than that, the defense looked really good. They just need to stay healthy.

Olsen Brushed Himself Off

After a very disappointing first game and a half, Steelers safety Tyrone Carter woke Greg Olsen up with a huge hit in the second quarter. Olsen met Carter again on the game-tying drive, but this time held on to the ball for a 29-yard gain.

It was promising to see Olsen get up after a big hit and come back. Olsen caught three passes for 41 yards in the game. Although you'd like to see a little more production from him, it's definitely a start.

Is Johnny Knox the Real Deal?

I'm not sure if I can buy into Johnny Knox quite yet, but it is impossible to deny the adjustments he made from Week One to Week Two. He looked like a completely different receiver.

A prime example was seen in his seven-yard touchdown catch in which he stepped in front of the defender and took the hit in the back on the slant instead of breaking off the route.

With his speed, it would be nice to see him and Hester causing havoc. I don't want to jump on the Knox train quite yet, however.

Does Anyone Ever Think Robbie Gould is Going to Miss?

I have nothing to add to this section because I really am wondering if anyone ever thinks he's going to miss at any point in a game. That thought never crosses my mind while watching a Bears game.

News and Notes

Although Alex Brown was helped off the field in Sunday's game, he should be good to go against the Seahawks, according to coach Lovie Smith.

Josh Beekman will appear at the Midtown Athletic Club in Palatine Tuesday for its annual “Brunch with a Bear.” Someone please report how many animals he eats, then ask him to sign a big contract with the Bears, so they'll play him over Omiyale.

Week One: What We Learned About the Chicago Bears

Christopher Murphy — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 14:05:13 -0400

It was just one game, but many Chicago Bears fans feel it is the end of the world, and are calling for the returns of people they forgot they whined about.

There are already mutterings of the great "game manager" Kyle Orton or the fairytale preseason game Rex Grossman had...against a second-string defense. Chicago Bears fans need to relax, put the bedtime stories away, and go to sleep.

Like any loss, Week One for the Chicago Bears brought up a lot of questions about the team, but, like any loss, there is a good chance the Bears will learn something from them.

The Special Teams Play Wasn't Good

Aside from the mind-boggling Patrick Mannelly fake punt play, the kickoff team was terrible. Jordy Nelson had 124 yards returning on four kick returns including a 46-yard return on the opening kickoff. We can let the Mannelly incident go; if the Hall of Fame ever recognizes a long snapper, Mannelly would be it, so give him a break.

And would someone point Devin Hester in the direction of the endzone? I wonder if he misses Brendon Ayanbadejo.

The Offensive Line Wasn't Good

Jay Cutler was rarely settled in the pocket and the few times he was, big plays followed. Matt Forte had absolutely nowhere to go in his 25 carries for 50 yards.

Watch left guard Frank Omiyale on every play next week and explain to me why he is starting over Josh Beekman. Actually, you don't need to, it is because of his four-year contract the Bears signed him to.

On a positive note, Chris Williams played pretty well, but as a whole, the line was bad. Don't worry, I'm sure Olin Kreutz will somehow get to another Pro Bowl.

The Receivers Weren't Good, But What Do You Expect?

The wide receivers of the Chicago Bears took a lot of flack from C(h)ris "Beeker" Collinsworth during the game and fans after the game, but what do you want from them? Devin Hester is not a No. 1, this is technically Earl Bennett's rookie season, Johnny Knox(ville) is just fast and teams now know who Greg Olsen and Matt Forte are.

Collinsworth kept talking about receivers running the wrong routes, but in reality the routes did not work and so then it became a guessing game between Cutler and the receivers he barely knows as to where he was going to throw the ball. Chicago Bears receivers are rarely, if ever, going to help on a broken play or make a bad pass look good. That's the way it is.

There is no excuse for dropped passes, however, which the receiving/tight end core had their share of.

The routes did not work, so some fault must lie with offensive coordinator Ron Turner, shouldn't it? The better question is, what did he do to earn this job? He was a good coordinator in the mid '90s then went on to be an awful head coach at Illinois, so the Bears re-hired him in 2005.

Makes sense to hire someone based on the fact they were good a decade before.

The Defense Was Good

The defense was surprisingly good against a very good offense, especially the defensive line. Adewale Ogunleye was incredible, but Tommie Harris still looks slow. God bless athletes in their contract years, but god damn athletes who find god and use it as an excuse to play terribly.

Unfortunately the Bears lost Brian Urlacher for the season, which means Hunter Hillenmeyer will move to the middle linebacker position. That is not good. Teams are going to pound the middle all day against the Bears now.

Surprisingly Lance Briggs completely shut down any idea of moving to the middle, which has to make you question whether his dedication is to the team or his own stats.

Just when you think Nathan Vasher might be decent, he reminds you why he is not good on a 50-yard touchdown pass. However, there should be some blame on the call of having him one-on-one in a third-and-one, four-down situation against Greg Jennings.

A play-action pass was a great possibility with the thought process of "if this doesn't work we can always run the ball at Hillenmeyer to get the first down on fourth down."

Why Vasher was playing bump-and-run, however, no-one knows.

On a positive note, Charles Tillman played well coming off his recent injury.

Jay Cutler Was Bad

I have made plenty of excuses for Cutler regarding the play-calling of Ron Turner, the uselessness of the receivers, and the breakdown of the offensive line, but Cutler was bad.

Yes, the play-calling was suspect, but the screen to Forte in the redzone worked and Cutler somehow found a way to throw an interception to a defensive lineman.

Yes, the receivers are useless, but it looked as though Cutler hadn't worked with them at all. He had to know what he was getting himself into coming to Chicago regarding weapons.

Yes, the offensive line was bad, but Cutler is supposed to be a mobile quarterback.

The golden excuse Bears fans are making is that this is just the first week and Cutler and the offense have to get used to one another.

Brett Favre and the Vikings looked used to one another, Mark Sanchez and the Jets looked used to one another, and, of course, Kyle Orton and the Broncos looked used to one another. The simple fact is the Bears were not prepared for this game and it showed in all facets.

That is what the offseason is for. This isn't an 162-game season where you have time to get acquainted. You have 16 weeks to win, so the time for introductions is over. It's game time.

The Bears better get used to one another quickly because before you know it, people are going to run out of excuses.

How ESPN Will Help Derek Jeter Win AL MVP

Christopher Murphy — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 21:24:38 -0400

Just as they did last year with Dustin Pedroia, ESPN has begun their campaign for Derek Jeter for MVP; dropping his name any chance they get when discussing MVP candidates.

Baseball Tonight continues to talk more about Derek Jeter than more deserving candidates like Joe Mauer, Justin Morneau, Miguel Cabrera, or Mark Teixeira.

Just as they did last year to Kevin Youkilis, ESPN isn't even getting the MVP of a team right, but they continue to push their love of names/personas instead of actual numbers.

Joe Mauer—.373 BA, 25 HR, 78 RBI, 76 R, .442 OBP, 3 SB

Justin Morneau—.295 BA, 29 HR, 96 RBI, 80 R, .384 OBP

Miguel Cabrera—.343 BA, 27 HR, 82 RBI, 77 R, .407 OBP, 3 SB

Mark Teixeira—.285 BA, 31 HR, 95 RBI, 78 R, .384 OBP, 2 SB

Ben Zobrist—.292 BA, 23 HR, 69 RBI, 74 R, .409 OBP, 15 SB

Kevin Youkilis—.308 BA, 22 HR, 74 RBI, 77 R, .419 OBP, 5 SB

Derek Jeter—.333 BA, 16 HR, 59 RBI, 87 R, .397 OBP, 21 SB

Jeter has had a great season, but he shouldn't be mentioned in the same sentence as the first four names.

I repeat, he is not the MVP.

Do not try the bogus lifetime achievement excuse attempted with justifying Tim Wakefield as an All-Star either. Give him a plaque, but not the one that says 2009 AL MVP.

As I write this, Jayson Stark has just written this:

"If Miguel Cabrera, Kevin Youkilis, Jason Bartlett, Ben Zobrist or Michael Young lug their teams into the postseason with huge Septembers, they belong in the argument. But the big debate could be between the prime Bronx contenders—Derek Jeter versus Mark Teixeira."

No, Jayson, those players (minus Young) belong in the debate no matter what.

If you keep saying something over and over, people will start to believe it and it becomes pushed as fact. Listen for Derek Jeter's name over the next two months, but do not believe it as fact.

Do not let ESPN decide another MVP.

The White Sox Are Who I Thought They Were

Christopher Murphy — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 00:07:55 -0400

With another loss to the Red Sox, the White Sox are showing how incredibly mediocre they are. As is their record of 63-63.

This current road trip where the White Sox visit Fenway for four, Yankee Stadium for three, the Metrodome for three, and Wrigley for one game, was going to show us if the White Sox deserved to make the playoffs rather just be a benefactor of circumstance. That circumstance being a division that is bad by American League standards.

It is the little things.

Last night when Jose Contreras made a two-out, bases loaded error the Red Sox pounced for five more runs after the error.

Tonight in the eighth inning of a tie game, Victor Martinez threw a ball meant to go back to pitcher Hideki Okajima into center field. This allowed Carlos Quentin to get into second with no outs and eventually to third on a Paul Konerko still with no outs.

Jermaine Dye promptly hit an infield pop out, A.J. Pierzynski struck out, and Alex Rios popped out.

The very next inning Scott Linebrink gave up three runs, including two with no outs and no one on base. The night before Octavio Dotel made any come back impossible by giving up three runs after getting the first two outs in the seventh inning after the White Sox crawled back from being down 9-4 to make the game 9-7. Dotel made the game 12-7 and out of reach.

Last night both starters were terrible, but the Red Sox bullpen gave up one run in four-and-one-third innings and the White Sox gave up five runs in five-and-one-third innings. Tonight both starters were great and it came down to the bullpens.

The White Sox bullpen gave up three runs in one-and-two-third innings and the Red Sox bullpen gave up no runs in two-and-one-third innings.

They have started out losing the first two games of this road trip where they could have proven themselves and are showing they are exactly what we thought they were; mediocre...for now at least.

The White Sox have a future staff of Mark Buehrle, Gavin Floyd, John Danks, and Jake Peavy.

They have future prospects in Jordan Danks, Tyler Flowers, and Dayan Viciedo. Gordon Beckham looks like the real deal, while Chris Getz has had a pretty good rookie season.

Alexei Ramirez has not had a sophomore slump by any means and Carlos Quentin has shown great signs since returning from injury. Alex Rios finally gives them defense in the outfield and another young talented bat with some speed to go along with it.

Paul Konerko and A.J. Pierzynski hold up as the veterans and either Jermaine Dye or Jim Thome will be re-signed, unless both give a hometown discount in which case both could be back.

The reign of terror of Jose Contreras and Octavio Dotel will finally come to an end as well at the end of this season.

The White Sox have built a team the right way.

The future is bright, but the present is incredibly mediocre.

MLB: The National League's Silent Assassins

Christopher Murphy — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 13:59:52 -0400

Although my American League Silent Assassins article received very few reads, the National League version still needs to be done.

I'm going to ignore the read count and instead blame it on the fact I wrote the article on a Saturday, which apparently is when no one reads and when editing takes seven hours.

For those of you who are not aware of the American League article, I am going through each team and giving credit to those of whom you will not find in the press and rarely ever spoken about.

Here are your silent assassins of the National League.

NL EAST

Atlanta Braves

Yunel Escobar - .303 BA, 12, 62 RBI, 63 R, .370 OBP

Tommy Hanson - 9-2, 3.12 ERA, 1.26 WHIP, 69 K, 86.2 IP

Mike Gonzalez/Rafael Soriano/Peter Moylan - 10-9, 29 saves, 2.67 ERA, 195 K, 168.2 IP

I'm assuming you know the numbers of Javier Vazquez and Jair Jurrijens and ignored the ridiculous fact they didn't make the All-Star team, which is why I did not mention them. Yunel Escobar is proving that he is more than just a glove this season.

The Braves bullpen has been simply fantastic and Tommy Hanson has to be a top candidate for Rookie of the Year.

Florida Marlins

Cody Ross - .271 BA, 20 HR, 67 RBI, 65 R, .329 OBP

Reynel Pinto/Dan Meyer/Kiko Calero - 7-4, 2.72 ERA, 144 K, 139 IP

Cody Ross is easily having his best year ever and, although they have had some problems with their closer situation, the Marlins have had great bullpen work from Pinto, Meyer, and Calero

New York Mets

Luis Castillo - .318 BA, 1 HR, 34 RBI, 68 R, .411 OBP, 15 SB

Pedro Feliciano - 5-4, 3.10 ERA, 1.14 WHIP, 46 K, 49.1 IP

Not much has gone the Mets way, but Luis Castillo's numbers have been pretty impressive, especially the on-base percentage. The Mets are always looking for bullpen help, as we've seen over the last few years, and Feliciano has been just that.

Philadelphia Phillies

Jayson Werth - .269 BA, 29 HR, 79 RBI, 81 R, .374 OBP, 13 SB

Joe Blanton - 8-6, 3.86 ERA, 1.29 WHIP, 117 K, 147 IP

Ryan Madson - 4-4, 4 saves, 2.95 ERA, 1.18 WHIP, 62 K, 61 IP

With Ryan Howard, Raul Ibanez, Shane Victorino, and Chase Utley, rarely do we hear about Jayson Werth, but he is second on the team in home runs, third in RBI, and third in on-base percentage.

With Cliff Lee and Cole Hamels getting all the press along with Pedro Martinez for some reason, Joe Blanton has been completely overlooked. Ryan Madson has been the best part of a shaky Phillies bullpen.

Washington Nationals

Josh Willingham (in 100 games) - .292 BA, 19 HR, 50 RBI, 56 R, .398 OBP

Mike MacDougal - 13 saves, 2.08 ERA, 1.30 WHIP, 18 K, 34.2 IP

You have all heard of Ryan Zimmerman and I agree it is ridiculous that Adam Dunn's name has not come up in MVP discussion, but Willingham is another name who should be at least said this season. Although Willingham has not played the entire season, in the games he has played he has done extremely well.

Mike MacDougal has finally found the command he could not with the White Sox and has converted 13 out of 14 save opportunities for the Nationals. He is no longer relying on players to strike themselves out, but rather creating a lot of groundballs.

NL CENTRAL

Chicago Cubs

Derrek Lee - .292 BA, 24 HR, 83 RBI, 63 R, .373 OBP

Randy Wells - 9-6, 2.84 ERA, 1.20 WHIP, 74 K, 120.1 IP

Lost in this bust season the Chicago Cubs are putting together, are the seasons of these two. Derrek Lee has found his power stroke again after having a terrible wrist injury and Randy Wells has to be a top candidate for the Rookie of the Year award.

Cincinnati Reds

Nick Masset - 4-1, 2.78 ERA, 1.09 WHIP, 48 K, 55 IP

Francisco Cordero - 2-3, 26 saves, 2.20 ERA, 1.20 WHIP, 40 K, 49 IP

It is hard to find players on the Reds having good years, let alone players who are having good years that people haven't taken notice. These two out of the bullpen, however, have been a huge reason the Reds win any games.

Houston Astros

Michael Bourn - .291 BA, 3 HR, 30 RBI, 79 R, .366 OBP, 46 SB

Wandy Rodriguez - 12-7, 2.89 ERA, 1.25 WHIP, 142 K, 155.2 IP

LaTroy Hawkins - 1-4, 11 saves, 2.03 ERA, 35 K, 48.2 IP

Carlos Lee is doing his usual bashing of pitchers in the most silent of fashions, but you know who he is. Bourn has been a complete catalyst at the top of the Astros' order, while Rodriguez has been the ace, with Oswalt having an off year, and Hawkins has been the perfect set-up man for Jose Valverde, even becoming the closer for an extended period of time while Valverde was hurt.

How Rodriguez wasn't on the All-Star team is beyond me.

Milwaukee Brewers

Yovani Gallardo - 12-10, 3.51 ERA, 1.27 WHIP, 179 K, 164.1 IP

Gallardo has had a tough second half, but was amazing in the first half of the season. Even with his second-half struggles, Gallardo still remains sixth in baseball in strikeouts.

How Gallardo wasn't on the All-Star team is beyond me...oh, nevermind, it was because of Jason Marquis.

Pittsburgh Pirates

Garrett Jones (in 45 games) - .299, 14 HR, 28 RBI, 28 R, .361 OBP, 7 SB

Andrew McCutchen (in 66 games) - .284 BA, 7 HR, 36 RBI, 49 R, .355 OBP, 14 SB

It is pretty sad when a player leads his team in home runs at this point in the season when he has only played 45 games, but that is true when it comes to the 28-year-old Jones. If you don't know of Andrew McCutchen then you do now. He turns 23 on October 10.

Between both players, they have been caught stealing twice.

St. Louis Cardinals

Skip Schumaker - .296 BA, 4 HR, 32 RBI, 67 R, .357 OBP

Joel Pineiro - 12-9, 3.15 ERA, 1.11 WHIP, 79 K, 162.2 IP

Schumaker has been a perfect fit getting on base for the big boppers of the Cardinals. You know Chris Carpenter, you know Adam Wainwright, but have you seen the year Joel Pineiro is having? Let me introduce you to him.

NL WEST

Arizona Diamondbacks

Miguel Montero (in 94 games) - .292 BA, 12 HR, 44 RBI, 40 R, .346 OBP

Doug Davis - 7-11, 3.77 ERA, 1.46 WHIP, 118 K, 155.1 IP

Montero stepped in for Chris Snyder when he got hurt and has been great for the Diamondbacks. Montero just turned 26 as well. Doug Davis has been very up and down, as any fantasy baseball player will tell you, but he has been pretty solid for a Diamondbacks pitching staff that really only features Dan Haren.

Colorado Rockies

Troy Tulowitski - .275 BA, 23 HR, 67 RBI, 78 RBI, .361 OBP, 15 SB

Ubaldo Jimenez - 12-9, 3.36 ERA, 1.22 WHIP, 154 K, 174.1 IP

Brad Hawpe made the All-Star team, Todd Helton never gets talked about, and Dexter Fowler has been talked about enough, so I bring to you the guy we used to talk about, Troy Tulowitski. It would seem as though he has found his stroke again at the old age of 25.

Although people will not stop talking about Jason Marquis, Ubaldo Jimenez has been the best pitcher on the Colorado Rockies. He is also just 25.

Los Angeles Dodgers

Andre Ethier - .282 BA, 25 HR, 83 RBI, 74 R, .369 OBP

Matt Kemp - .312 BA, 18 HR, 77 RBI, 73 R, .371 OBP, 26 SB

Randy Wolf - 8-6, 3.34 ERA, 1.11 WHIP, 128 K, 169.2 IP

Ramon Troncoso - 4-2, 5 saves, 2.73 ERA, 1.37 WHIP, 42 K, 69.1 IP

Manny, Manny, Manny. That is who we hear about, but it is Andre Ethier and Matt Kemp leading this team. Ethier leads the team in home runs, RBI, and runs. Kemp does everything while playing a great center field. Ethier is 27, while Kemp is just 24 as well.

You know of Clayton Kershaw and Chad Billingsley, but have you seen the year Randy Wolf is having? Finally, Ramon Troncoso has been a great set-up man for Jonathan Broxton.

San Diego Padres

Heath Bell - 5-2, 30 saves, 2.13 ERA, 1.05 WHIP, 56 K, 50.2 IP

I honestly could not find anyone on the Padres worth mentioning that is not named Adrian Gonzalez and everyone knows who he is. I was actually contemplating saying Clayton Richard who is 3-0 with a 3.67 ERA in five games.

I had to pick an All-Star as a good player on the Padres who doesn't get recognition; pathetic. Padres' fans, you may have to help me out on this one.

San Francisco Giants

Jeremy Affeldt - 0-1, 1.89 ERA, 1.24 WHIP, 40 K, 47.2 IP

The Giants offense is really pathetic. I was looking for someone to mention, but everyone knows who Pablo Sandoval is and Bengie Molina and Aaron Rowand just aren't that good this year. Affeldt is having a tremendous year and although the category is a bit overrated, he is second in holds.

There you have it, folks, the players who can bite your favorite team and leave you saying, "Who the hell is that?"

MLB: The American League's Silent Assassins

Christopher Murphy — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 19:08:34 -0400

All teams have those players who, outside the team's fans, people do not seem to recognize as important. Whether they don't get the press, aren't flashy, or are simply too boring to care about, we owe them our apologies—and more importantly, a thank you.

You will rarely see these players in front of a camera due to the fact they do not say anything stupid. They do not stand and watch their home runs, scream after striking someone out, or get thrown out of games.

ESPN will forgo talking about them to push Tim Wakefield to the All-Star game or dissect every inning of a Red Sox or Yankee game.

It is time, however, to give them their due applause.

AL EAST

Baltimore Orioles

Nick Markakis—.308 BA, 15 HR, 85 RBI, 72 R, .360 OBP, 4 SB

Brad Bergesen—7-5, 3.43 ERA, 1.28 WHIP, 65 K, 123.1 IP

Markakis started off the season on fire, but cooled off considerably before the All-Star break, hence his name wasn't even whispered for the All-Star game.

The press for him was only amongst fantasy players and only at the beginning of the season. Otherwise, there isn't much said about Markakis, although he is fourth amongst all outfielders in RBI.

Bergesen's numbers are extremely impressive for a 23-year-old rookie. Unfortunately, he has not pitched in about a month due to injury.

Boston Red Sox

Jacoby Ellsbury—.300 BA, 6 HR, 43 RBI, 66 R, .347 OBP, 54 SB Ramon Ramirez—6-3, 2.21 ERA, 1.19 WHIP, 41 K, 53 IP
Hideki Okajima—4-0, 2.77 ERA, 1.12 WHIP, 47 K, 52 IP
Takashi Saito—3-3, 2.93 ERA, 1.30 WHIP, 38 K, 43 IP

It seems a bit like an oxymoron to talk about any Red Sox players in an article regarding players who deserve more press. ESPN was apparently too infatuated with the dying career of a steroid user to notice the amazing season Ellsbury is having in just his second full season—apart from throwing him into the top web gems every now and then.

There are two sides to every story. Stealing a lot of bases does not necessarily mean productivity, but doing so with a percentage of 87 does. Ellsbury has only been caught eight times this season.

Last season he stole 50 while being caught 11 times in 31 more games than where we are. Be careful, pitchers and catchers, he's learning.

You could feasibly put the entire Red Sox bullpen in the category of silent assassins except the one who is loud, obnoxious, and thinks he's tough because he pitches one inning every now and then. Ramirez was a great pick up from the Royals and Saito was a great pick up from the Dodgers. The Red Sox have a smart GM.

New York Yankees

Johnny Damon—.284 BA, 22 HR, 68 RBI, 85 R, .364 OBP, 9 SB Phil Hughes—5-3, 3.39 ERA, 1.20 WHIP, 75 K, 69 IP

With all the massive contracts we've been watching on the Yankees, did anyone realize how well Johnny Damon has been doing? I had no idea he was second on the Yankees in home runs.

Yes, Hughes has received a lot of press, but that was more when he was trying to be a starting pitcher. He has been the most solid part of the Yankees bullpen outside of that "Enter Sandman" guy.

Tampa Bay Rays

Jeff Niemann—11-5, 3.71 ERA, 1.30 WHIP, 86 K, 133.1 IP

J.P. Howell—6-3, 15 saves, 2.15 ERA, 1.06 WHIP, 71 K, 58.2 IP

You have all heard of Ben Zobrist's season, so I did not include him in this.

Jeff Niemann and J.P. Howell's seasons, however, I'm not sure you've taken note. These two 26-year-old pitchers have stepped in perfectly for the Rays.

With only five games under his belt in is career, Niemann stepped in when Andy Sonnastine and Scott Kazmir were not getting things done and hurt. Howell stepped in as the closer after Troy Percival got hurt and some experimentation with a committee failed.

Sidenote: Carlos Pena is batting .214? Yikes.

Toronto Blue Jays

Jason Frasor—6-2, 6 saves, 1.87 ERA, .99 WHIP, 38 K, 43.1 IP

You've heard of Aaron Hill, Adam Lind, Marco Scutaro, and rookie Ricky Romero, so I left them out. Frasor has been the most solid part of the Blue Jays bullpen and has stepped in as the closer after injuries to B.J. Ryan and Scott Downs.

AL CENTRAL

Chicago White Sox

Scott Podsednik—.296 BA, 4 HR, 36 RBI, 55 R, .347 OBP, 18 SB

Matt Thornton—6-2, 2.70 ERA, 1.09 WHIP, 63 K, 53.1 IP

You've heard a lot about Mark Buehrle, Jon Danks, and rookie Gordon Beckham. I'm assuming you know of the season of Jermaine Dye, one of the ultimate underrated players in baseball. This is why I bring Scott Podsednik and Matt Thornton to you.

Podsednik was put on this list because he has come completely out of nowhere at the age of 33. He was literally unemployed before the Sox picked him up a month into the season and during that unemployment, someone taught him to take pitches.

He has walked the same amount of times in 94 games this season as he did in his previous 155. His work on the base-paths has been nothing special, however, stealing only at 66 percent.

He's been good this year because of his hitting surprisingly, but his terrible outfielding and mediocre base-stealing leave his future up in the air.

Thornton is simply one of the best bullpen pitchers in baseball and probably the best left-handed setup man. He also looks exactly like Woody from Toy Story.

Sidenote: Gavin Floyd is another player to look into.

Cleveland Indians

Asdrubal Cabrera—.316 BA, 5 HR, 51 RBI, 64 R, .365 OBP, 15 SB

Shin-Soo Choo—.298 BA, 14 HR, 68 RBI, 69 R, .399 OBP, 17 SB

Two of the greatest names in baseball at this moment. Asdrubal (ass dribble) Cabrera missed 24 games and has still put up solid numbers. Look out for him next season.

Shin-Soo Choo (God bless you) is easily the MVP of the Cleveland Indians, which isn't hard, but his numbers are impressive no matter what you look at.

Detroit Tigers

Edwin Jackson—10-5, 2.86 ERA, 1.19 WHIP, 128 K, 163.2 IP

Brandon Lyon—6-4, 2.78 ERA, 1.10 WHIP, 41 K, 58.1 IP

I know Edwin Jackson was an All-Star, but I felt I had to reiterate how great of a season the 25-year-old is having. I know he won't win the Cy Young, but shouldn't he be mentioned?

Brandon Lyon has been the perfect setup man for Fernando Rodney and that has been a huge difference between this year and the last couple of years for the normally shaky Tigers bullpen.

Kansas City Royals

Billy Butler—.300 BA, 15 HR, 65 RBI, 54 R, .353 OBP

Alberto Callapso—.296 BA, 7 HR, 45 RBI, 58 R, .347 OBP

Solid work from a couple of Royals amongst talent that refuses to pan out.

Sidenote: 299 strikeouts between Mark Teahen, Mike Jacobs, and Miguel Olivo.

Minnesota Twins

Jason Kubel—.306 BA, 20 HR, 68 RBI, 52 R, .376 OBP

Michael Cuddyer—270 BA, 19 HR, 58 RBI, 70 R, .338 OBP, 5 SB

Denard Span—.305 BA, 6 HR, 47 RBI, 70 R, .391 OBP, 19 SB

Matt Gurrier—5-1, 2.28 ERA, .86 WHIP, 40 K, 59.1 IP

Jose Mijares—1-2, 2.14 ERA, 1.20 WHIP, 40 K, 46.1 IP

Imagine the offense this team could have had if Delmon Young panned out. Span's .391 on-base percentage is extremely impressive. Kubel is showing the player he should have been had it not been for injury and Cuddyer is feasting off batting behind Mauer, Morneau, and Kubel.

Twins have an incredible bullpen, as always. They were a starting rotation away from being great. Unfortunately for them, that's the biggest piece to the World Series puzzle.

AL WEST

Los Angeles Angels

Kendry Morales—.302 BA, 27 HR, 82 RBI, 66 R, .349 OBP

Juan Rivera—.308 BA, 19 HR, 69 RBI, 54 R, .344 OBP

Mike Napoli (in 86 games)—.297 BA, 17 HR, 48 RBI, 51 R, .375 OBP

Bobby Abreu—.310 BA, 11 HR, 81 RBI, 74 R, .403 OBP, 26 SB

I could essentially name the entire Angels lineup, which a couple days ago was the first lineup in baseball history to have every player batting .300 or above. The offense has saved a team stricken with tragedy and injury in their starting rotation.

Sidenote: Maicer Izturis is another player worth looking at. Jered Weaver is another pitcher who gets no recognition, as well.

Oakland Athletics

Dallas Braden—8-9, 3.89 ERA, 1.36 WHIP, 81 K, 136.2 IP

Michael Wurtz—6-1, 3.05 ERA, 1.07 WHIP, 75 K, 59 IP

Brad Ziegler—1-3, 2.59 ERA, 1.41 WHIP, 39 K, 55.2 IP

Absolutely no offense to support a good young pitching staff, which unfortunately for the A's, was stricken with injury.

Seattle

Jose Lopez—.274 BA, 17 HR, 75 RBI, 51 R, .301 OBP

Franklin Gutierrez—.290 BA, 14 HR, 52 RBI, 60 R, .348 OBP, 9 SB

David Aardsma—3-5, 28 saves, 2.43 ERA, 1.26 WHIP, 65 K, 55.2 IP

I'm assuming you know the year Russell Branyan is having, so I didn't waste your time with him. With such a terrible offense, Lopez and Gutierrez are part of the reason the Mariners are above .500. Aardsma stepped in brilliantly when the Mariners were in closer crisis, as well.

Sidenote: Jose Lopez's OBP is awful.

Texas Rangers

Marlon Byrd—.286 BA, 14 HR, 65 RBI, 52 R, .329 OBP, 9 SB

Hank Blalock—.240 BA, 23 HR, 57 RBI, 53 R, .277 OBP

Kevin Milllwood—9-8, 3.48 ERA, 1.31 WHIP, 97 K, 155.1 IP

C.J. Wilson—4-5, 14 saves, 2.91 ERA, 1.29 WHIP, 61 K, 55.2 IP

Byrd and Blalock have given the Rangers a boost in offensive production with a lineup that is already pretty stacked. Millwood has been the ace and most consistent starter on that staff and Wilson has stepped in perfectly every time Frank Francisco has gotten hurt.

Sidenote: Hank Blalock's OBP is much worse.

The National League silent assassins will be next, so watch out because they are sneaky.

Chicago Finding Talent in Strange Hairstyle (Humor)

Christopher Murphy — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 16:47:45 -0400

With the growing anticipation around Jay Cutler to bring the Chicago Bears back to the playoffs since their Super Bowl run in 2006 and the continuing success of rookie Gordon Beckham, Chicago has decided to start scouting talent based on hair.

Chicago blames the recent actions of Patrick Kane, and the dip in numbers of Geovany Soto and Alexei Ramirez, to the fact they do not comb their hair forward and to the side. Jonathan Toews was excused from mandatory hair-combing due to the fact he seems to already be balding.

Matt Forte refused any changing of his hair stating it wasn't his "style" even though reporters and advertising representatives begged him to say "fortay."

Gavin Floyd was angered by the fact he originated the talented look in Chicago, but has received no press for it. Ozzie Guillen swore to and about that claim while talking to reporters, none of which were able to quote him.

Kenny Williams said, "As long as they don't dye it some ridiculous bright blonde then they're fine in my book," while staring a hole through A.J. Pierzynski.

The Bears have already begun re-watching seasons of "Two-A-Days" to try to find another fully-haired forehead.

Jim Hendry said picking players based on hairstyle is ridiculous and that he'd continue to pick them based on lack of talent.

Porcello Blames Bees for Running Away from Youkilis (Satire)

Christopher Murphy — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 12:07:27 -0400

Rick Porcello, starting pitcher for the Detroit Tigers, was embarrassed after his performance last night. It wasn't for what he did on the mound, however, but rather the way he scampered off it.

After hitting Kevin Youkilis in the back, to which Youkilis rebutted with a helmet, Porcello claims he was attacked by a swarm of bees. This would explain his stereotypical pitcher reaction of running away until his teammates came to help after throwing a mid-90s fastball at a player, unless your pitcher is named Kyle Farnsworth or Nolan Ryan.

Porcello, however, was smart and did the only thing a wimpy pitcher does in this situation where they actually have to answer for throwing at someone; he used the player's momentum of charging the mound to slam them to ground, thus, making him seem tough.

"Oh, you think I ran away from the mound because of Youkilis?" Porcello asked. "No, there were a bunch of bees around my head so I was trying to avoid them."

Miguel Cabrera did not notice any bees.

"If there were bees then that means there was honey and I was really hungry, so I would know if there were honey," Cabrera said as he gnawed on the arm of a bat boy.

Whether or not Youkilis had bees in his helmet, we will never know.

"I didn't have any bees in my helmet," Youkilis said. "I actually have an afro wig built in to my helmet to make me feel not bald...I don't know why I told you that."

Prince Fielder had his own take on the situation and baseball fights in general.

"This is why you don't charge the mound," Fielder said. "You don't have the time to get to a pitcher, and then bullpen pitchers and other starters look tough getting held back by players. Pitchers aren't tough, so you wait until after the game and then you stab them...or tackle them, whatever."

Edwin Jackson was one of the Tiger pitchers who visibly needed to be restrained during the "brawl" with the Red Sox.

"Thank god I was getting held back because I didn't have a baseball to throw at anyone," Jackson admitted.

Ozzie Guillen was asked about the fight, but responded to reporters by throwing baseballs at them repeatedly until they left.

Fighting Illini Schedule: That's a Spicy Meatball

Christopher Murphy — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 15:26:34 -0400

As the Fighting Illini attempt to make up for their underachieving 2008 campaign, they will have to start with quite the kick to the teeth. In fact, there is a good chance they lose four of their first five games, and probably lots of teeth as well, to start the season.

The Illini begin their 2009 campaign against Missouri, ranked directly above the Illini at 34 in the first USA Today Poll, in St. Louis and follow that game up with their easiest game on the schedule, against Illinois State in Champaign under the lights. Two winnable games, but only one guaranteed win.

Then comes the steel-toed boot to the mouth.

The Illini travel to Columbus to take on No. 6 Ohio State then play No. 8 Penn State and Michigan State, currently ranked 27th, but with the second highest expectations to blow up this season behind Iowa in the Big Ten, at home in back-to-back weeks.

Although the USA Today Rankings tend to overrate teams solely on their name (Notre Dame) and give teams who do not play anyone a nice cushion to sit on to start the season (Boise State, TCU, Utah, Brigham Young), Ohio State, Penn State and Michigan State are arguably the best three teams in the Big Ten, unless Iowa lives up to their expectations.

Having to play the best three teams in your conference in a row is a tough road to winning that conference. But to be the best, you have to beat the best.

One could say this is good for the Illini, since they by all logic should be healthy for their toughest matchups, but starting 1-4 is a tough hole to dig yourself out of.

All the talk about the Illini is regarding their explosive offense with Juice Williams, Arrelious Benn, Jeff Cumberland, and a quartet of running backs featuring senior Daniel (Andy) Dufrene, Jason Ford, Mikel Leshoure, and Troy Pollard.

However, if that offense is as inconsistent as it was last year to go along with their terrible defense, no amount of points can save them.

The defense needs to be decent instead of awful for the Illini to get through this beginning stretch of the 2009 season and beyond.

Martez Wilson's move from outside linebacker to middle could be a huge difference, but the defensive line will need to get some kind of pressure against the good offensive lines they didn't move last year.

If Josh Brent and Sirod Williams are healthy the defensive line, and the defense as a whole, should be fine.

The fact the offense could explode at any minute puts very little pressure on the defense to be dominant.

Whether the offense explodes or implodes, however, is up to Juice Williams. Williams will have Eddie McGee breathing down his neck if he shows to be as unreliable as last year.

Should be an interesting first couple of weeks for the Illini.

Chicago White Sox Walk-Off Angels, Beckham Continues to be Dreamy

Christopher Murphy — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 23:55:46 -0400

Scott Podsednik closed out a hard fought game for the White Sox with a walk-off base hit off Kevin Jepsen scoring Jayson Nix to win over the Los Angeles Angles.

Nix was in a 1-2 hole before ripping a hanging slider from Jepsen to the gap with two outs and sliding into second ahead of the throw from Gary Matthews Jr.

Jose Contreras did not even last three innings, walking five, and throwing two wild pitches while giving up three runs off just one hit.

The White Sox bullpen took the ball and went the rest of the way with D.J. Carrasco pitching four innings, Randy Williams pitching two-thirds of an inning, Tony Pena pitching one-third of an inning, and Matt Thornton picking up the win in one-and-one-third innings.

The bullpen gave up just one run on four hits while striking out six, five from Carrasco, and walking two.

The White Sox hopped out to an early two-run lead with solo home runs from Gordon Beckham, who continues to stay hot, and Carlos Quentin, who is (counting tonight) 7-for-22 with three home runs, five RBI, and four runs in his last five games.

Contreras would hand that lead right back to the Angels, walking four, throwing two wild pitches, and giving up three runs off one hit in the top of the third inning.

White Sox would tie the game in the bottom half of the inning thanks to a Chone Figgins error on a guaranteed double play ball by Jim Thome and a sacrifice fly off the bat of Paul Konerko.

The only bump in the road for the White Sox bullpen would occur in the top of the fifth inning when Carrasco walked Figgins, gave up a single to the hot-hitting Maicer Izuturis, which was then followed by a Bobby Abreu sacrifice fly.

Beckham, who was just named AL Rookie of the Month, counting tonight, is 17-for-40 with three home runs, 12 RBI, and six runs in his last 10 games.

His 12th RBI would come with two outs in the bottom of the seventh to score Podsednik, who reached on a bunt double (yes, it was a bunt that went over Chone Figgins head and into right field), to tie the game.

Good news for Angels fans is John Lackey went eight innings giving up just three earned runs off five hits while striking out seven and walking just two.

Bad news for White Sox fans is Contreras has given up 14 earned runs in his last 19-and-one-third innings pitched walking 15 during that time period.

Gavin Floyd squares off against 22-year-old impressive rookie Sean O'Sullivan tomorrow night.

Jake Peavy Lied to Me

Christopher Murphy — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 12:56:45 -0400

I thought we were friends, Jake. You bought me whiskey mixed with...well...nothing.

You introduced me to people at the University of Illinois in Champaign, IL, as Barry Zito. I thought it was a thing we had, but alas, it was all for nothing seeing as our friendship is now filled with LIES!

In case you have no idea what I'm talking about, read my story about getting drunk with Jake Peavy and Roy Oswalt.

In it you will find that Jake Peavy and Roy Oswalt had/have no intentions for playing for the White Sox, which was confirmed earlier this season when Peavy turned down a trade offer using his no-trade clause. When rumors began flying the White Sox were going after Oswalt, he said he would do the same thing.

Although they didn't use the same reasoning they did with me, Peavy saying, "F@#k the White Sox and Ozzie Guillen," while eloquently showing his feelings with two fingers and Oswalt saying, "The White Sox can't afford me,", they held to their word of not coming to the White Sox.

This was until the trade deadline.

I dropped the phone as I saw Jake Peavy being traded to the White Sox for Aaron Poreda, Clayton Richard, Adam Russell, and Dexter Carter scroll across the television.

I didn't know how to feel.

I was excited as a White Sox fan for having a starting rotation of Mark Buehrle, John Danks, Gavin Floyd and Jake Peavy for the next three years, but as a dear friend of Jake Peavy, I felt used. I felt betrayed.

If Jake couldn't come to me with his problems then who could he go to? The family he hunts with in Rantoul, IL, or the friend who claimed to be Brad Penny on the University of Illinois campus?

Or the random girl whose face he licked while he walked through campus?

No, I won't accept that. Why didn't you come to me, Jake? What did I do to deserve this?

Was it because I made fun of the National League? I was drunk, Jake. You know how I get when you give me whiskey and water.

University of Illinois students, stay on the look out for Jake Peavy and Roy Oswalt a month before the baseball season, but do not accept their friendship...even on Facebook.

Roy, you and I are cool; even though you are a bit too short to talk to, you do not fill my mind with LIES.

If you win the White Sox a World Series, I suppose I can put this past us, Jake. Until then, however, walk yourself to your next bar you bastard.

When it comes to pitching, Jake Peavy is an ace, but when it comes to friendship, he is an ass.

Randy Wells Is the Reason the Cubs Are Competing

Christopher Murphy — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 11:27:45 -0400

With pain, sometimes comes pleasure; for many Chicago Cub fans, Randy Wells is evidence.

With all of the talks circulating around the injury woes that the Cubs have had, no one has brought up the fact that from these injuries, the most consistent Cubs' starter has been created. Out of nowhere, the best rookie pitcher in baseball, next to J.A. Happ, has spawned.

In 2008, Wells went 10-4 with a 4.08 ERA and had 102 strikeouts in 118.67 innings pitched at Triple-A Iowa. In 2009, however, before being called up, Wells was 3-0 with a 2.77 ERA and 21 strikeouts in 26 innings pitched.

Before starting against Milwaukee in early May for the injured Carlos Zambrano, the already 27-year-old Bellville, IL native had just four-and-a-third innings pitched under his belt for the Toronto Blue Jays. Those innings were all scoreless.

Wells went on to pitch 11 more scoreless innings in his first two starts, although unable to pick up a win, for the Cubs.

While Wells continued to press on through the season, Cubs pitchers continued to go down. Two weeks after Zambrano hit the 15-day disabled list, Rich Harden was next to find himself on the disabled list.

Eleven days after the Harden injury, Zambrano decided to be a true staff ace and leader and got suspended for a start after arguing a correct call, which the umpire was in perfect position to make.

Cubs management literally had no choice but to keep Wells in the starting rotation with water coolers being beaten and Sean Marshall struggling. Cubs management tends to work well when they have fewer decisions to make.

Wells gave up eight runs in his first 38.67 innings pitched, striking out 31 and walking eight.

In 15 games started this season, Wells has given up four earned runs in three starts, three earned runs in three starts, two earned runs in four starts, one earned run in two starts, and no earned runs in three starts. Only once this season has Wells given up more or the same runs as innings pitched, and that was against the Minnesota Twins.

Wells is currently 7-4 with a 2.84 ERA and a 1.15 WHIP.

To put this in perspective, let's look at the first 15 starts of the two aces of the St. Louis Cardinals.

In his first 15 starts (three innings more than Wells), Adam Wainwright had a 3.58 ERA. In his first 15 starts (three-and-two-thirds innings more than Wells), Chris Carpenter had a 2.25 ERA. Wells falls nicely between both pitchers.

Before making his first career start, a fantasy baseball source had this to say about Wells:

"Wells is worth monitoring, but it's hard to imagine him making much of a fantasy splash once Zambrano returns. That is, unless he is lights-out against the Brewers, which would earn at least another start or two. He'd have to be equally effective in two more starts, and Sean Marshall would have to fail miserably in the meantime. That's a lot to ask for."

The Cubs asked for a lot from Wells and he gave them a big answer. Zambrano, Harden, Ryan Dempster, and Ted Lilly have all gone on the disabled list this year and Wells has been there to pick up the slack every time; he has been the savior of the 2009 season.

With his eight shutout innings against the Astros in his last start, Wells became the first Cubs rookie pitcher to win seven games since Kerry Wood. With no Dusty Baker around to ruin him, Wells could unexpectedly fill those shoes.

Whether he can become only the second Cubs pitcher to win Rookie of the Year is yet to be seen.

Wells goes for his eighth win tonight against the Cincinnati Reds.

Breaking News: Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz Tested Positive in 2003

Christopher Murphy — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 13:34:47 -0400

According to ESPN, David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez tested positive for performance enhancing drugs in 2003. Lawyers with knowledge of the results told the New York Times.

Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz were massive parts of the Red Sox World Series in 2004 and 2007.

If this turns out to be true, the Boston Red Sox owe people two World Series rings and trophies.

I hate to say I told you so, but...I totally did in this article.

It's all in the numbers:

David Ortiz 2002 - .272 BA, 20 HR, 75 RBI, 52 R, .339 OBP, 125 games
David Ortiz 2003 - .288 BA, 31 HR, 101 RBI, 79 R, .369, 128 games
David Ortiz 2004 - .301 BA, 41 HR, 139 RBI, 94 R, .380, 150 games (Red Sox World Series)

Manny is still one of the few juiced players that was impossible to tell by the numbers due to the fact he had steadily the same numbers every year and no real giant hop nor real giant decline.

2004 Playoffs/World Series

David Ortiz - 22/55 (.400 BA), 5 HR, 19 RBI, 13 R, 14 games
Manny Ramirez - 21/60 (.350 BA), 2 HR, 11 RBI, eight R, 14 games

Ramirez/Ortiz - Responsible for 51 runs scored
Red Sox team as a whole scored 90 runs.

2007 Playoffs/World Series

David Ortiz - 17/46 (.369 BA), 3 HR, 10 RBI, 16 R, 14 games
Manny Ramirez - 16/46 (.347 BA), 4 HR, 16 RBI, 11 R, 14 games

Ramirez/Ortiz - Responsible for 53 runs
Red Sox team as a whole scored 99 runs.

In February, Ortiz said players should be banned for a year if found with steroids or performance enhancing drugs.

Stay tuned to see how ESPN spins this in a way flattering toward the Red Sox organization and Big Papi/Mr. Clutch. Ramirez will likely be ripped as he has since leaving the Red Sox.

Also, be on the look out for Steve Berthiuame, Peter Gammons, and Bill Simmons as they will be on suicide watch.

Mark Buehrle: Another Night Another History Maker

Christopher Murphy — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 22:17:34 -0400

Mark Buehrle, coming off a perfect game in his last outing, made more history Tuesday night in Minnesota.

Buehrle threw another 5 2/3 innings of perfect baseball and in doing so, passed Jim Barr and Bobby Jenks record of 41 straight batters retired.

Buehrle tied the record by striking out Michael Cuddyer and then got Joe Crede, who made the final out of Buehrle's no hitter two years ago, to ground out to shortstop to break the record.

Buehrle proceeded to retire three more batters, setting the record at 45 straight batters retired, until walking Alexei Casilla, which broke up the perfect game, before giving up a single to Denard Span, breaking up the no-hitter.

God Says, "You're Welcome" To Athletes (Satire)

Christopher Murphy — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 16:06:58 -0400

Due to the recent surge in "thank you"s, in a press release by angel Gabriel from heaven, God has said, "You're welcome" to athletes.

Josh Willingham was the most recent of athletes to thank God having thanked he/she/it for his two grand slams in last night's game on ESPN.

Kurt Warner, Colt McCoy, Josh Hamilton, and Tim Tebow have been the biggest thankers of God in recent memory, so God wanted to sort everything out in a big "You're welcome."

The media has run into a bit of controversy of late with Satanic players, who we cannot mention, for not interviewing them after games due to the fact they may thank Satan.

God decided to smooth everything out, while shocking the population, by explaining he/she/it does not even like sports. God is in fact, a checkers and tetris nut.

"I just want people to know, I have far more important things to deal with than sports," God stated. "I appreciate the thank yous and points to the sky, but, it is not me helping you."

God later would add he doesn't even know how guys like Ryan Theriot, Reed Johnson, Carlos Gomez, Nick Punto, Dustin Pedroia, Chris Anderson, Bobby Jenks, or Maurice Jones-Drew even became athletes stating, "I sure as hell didn't build them for that."

God then requested Cub fans stop wasting their prayers and/or blaming him/her/it. God told them to talk to the Devil for a deal.

The Devil refused to comment.

Music Made For Sports: If It's Too Loud, You're Too Old

Christopher Murphy — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 15:25:08 -0400

As I sit editing articles on Bleacher Report, my ears begin to wiggle a bit as the guitar of Jimi Hendrix engulfs them—and for a moment—I forget what I'm even doing.

Pictures of running out to a football field, or slowly walking to home plate staring at the pitcher as if to say, "I'm going to hit you. You know it and I know it, so you better throw the ball then get the hell out of the way," begin to run through my mind with "Voodoo Chile" in the background.

It is a mixture of the two greatest things in the world: sport and music. Both drive us to do things we never thought we could.

Why am I dancing like this? Why won't my head stop moving? How did I just hit that ball over the fence? How did I just knock that guy out cold?

We don't think, we just react. While partaking in sport or music, is one of the few times in life we do not over-think, we do not over-analyze, we just do. When you put these two animals together, you get the perfect fit.

It is the reason teams huddle before a game, rock back and forth, and chant. They get into a rhythm that only song can bring to prepare to go to battle. Music is their war cry.

The most interesting part of the sport and music psyche is the music used to prepare for sport is mostly of a genre we would never listen to in any other situation.

Headbangers will listen to techno to keep their pace on the treadmill. Hip-hop dancers will listen to "For Whom the Bell Tolls" by Metallica while lifting. The entire world loves to hear the "Summer Overture" by Clint Mansell put to their favorite team's highlights.

This is the greatness of music. You never know when a song will be perfect for your situation.

Here is a list (in no particular order) of songs that fit perfectly with sport.

1. The Head Bangers

These are the songs that are loud, but universally crowd-pleasing. A nice mixture of the old and the new. Beware of walls while listening to these for they may get punched or headbutted.

Jimi Hendrix—Voodoo Chile

Too smooth to not be on this list. There is something about that intro guitar work that gives you an extra push. If a song were to play in the background while I kicked down a door, it would be this.

Honorable Hendrix Mention—Machine Gun, Highway Chile

AC/DC—Thunderstruck

Extremely cliche, but I do not believe there is a song out there that can get a crowd crazier than "Thunderstruck." You know you used this song when putting together a power point of your high school team's highlights, you nerd.

You wouldn't believe what this sounds like before Game 163 of the baseball season.

Honorable AC/DC Mention—Hells Bells (Trevor Hoffman), For Those About To Rock

Metallica—For Whom the Bell Tolls

It tolls for thee. Find me a bass (yes, that is bass) that sounds like an electric guitar as in the beginning of "For Whom the Bell Tolls" and I'll pay you a dollar.

Honorable Metallica Mention—Harvester of Sorrow (Paul Konerko), Enter Sandman (Mariano Rivera)

Led Zeppelin—When the Levee Breaks

Can't beat Jimmy Page using a slide on the guitar. If I were to walk in slow motion, this would be my background song.

Honorable Led Zeppelin Mention—Immigrant Song (live)

Black Sabbath—War Pigs

Notice, heavy metal bands, metal can actually have talented guitar work and decipherable lyrics.

Honorable Black Sabbath Mention—Paranoid, Iron Man, Crazy Train

Kings of Leon—Four Kicks

Known for their easy listening, Kings of Leon punches you right in the face with this nice southern diddy. You are allowed to punch the person closest to you while listening.

Pearl Jam—Even Flow

It must be this version of the song, however, because the recorded version is a bit too slow for the headbanger list. This was the pre-writing-awful-acoustic-songs-about-everything-stupid-and-stereotypical-regarding-the-Cubs Eddie Vedder. It's intense, but with a smooth rhythm and solo.

Honorable Pearl Jam Mention—Go, Animal, Do the Evolution

The Offspring—Half-Truism

Fast rhythm, slower but good chorus, and awesome bridge. It's simple math.

Soundgarden—Rusty Cage

Fast, loud, effective.

Honorable Soundgarden Mention—Spoonman, Mailman

Alice in Chains—Man in the Box

The perfect rhythm to walk to the plate to.

Honorable Alice in Chains Mention—Them Bones, Again

The White Stripes—Icky Thump

Jack White yelling, lots of bass drum, and lyrics about immigrants. Perfect.

Honorable White Stripes Mention—Seven Nation Army, Cannon, Black Math, Expecting

System of a Down—Chop Suey

This may be a little too loud for those with sensitive ears, but deal with it, the other team is probably sacrificing an animal (at least think like that, so you feel justified listening to System of a Down).

Honorable System of a Down Mention—Aerials, Sugar

Foo Fighters—My Hero

I was about to click "publish" when this song came on my iTunes, so that has to be a sign.

Honorable Foo Fighters Mention—All My Life, Monkey Wrench, Let it Die

Rage Against the Machine—Killing in the Name

You know it.

Rage Against the Machine Honorable Mention—Bulls on Parade, Guerrilla Radio

2. Smooth Rap

These are the rap songs that are not screaming at you, but rather, with a head-bobbing beat and some lyrics, preparing you.

Kanye West—Jesus Walks

The self-proclaimed genius helps any human gain confidence with "Jesus Walks". The slow, marine-style beat can't help but force focus. This was before Kanye began letting machines do his vocal work for him.

Honorable Kanye Mention—Stronger

50 Cent—Patiently Waiting

A nice easy beat with extremely fierce words said in the smoothest of ways.

Julez Santana—Second Coming

Fell upon this song while researching for this article. The song has a beat that would make anything you do while listening to it seem important.

3. Loud Rap

This is the rap that is screaming at you when you may need someone to yell at you.

Saul Williams—List of Demands

This one is a bit far-fetched, but I love it because of Nike's "My Better is Better than Your Better" commercial. You have to love the intensity.

Archie Eversole—We Ready

Never thought I would go from Led Zeppelin to Archie Eversole in the same list, but here we are. The refrain of this rap song is impossible not to enjoy before competition.

Eminem—Til I Collapse

He is a very angry man and if that's what you want to be before a game, here is your song.

Honorable Eminem Mention—Lose Yourself, Run Rabbit Run

Nas—You Can Hate Me Now

Lots of yelling from Puff Daddy with Nas lyrics. Genius.

Honorable Nas Mention—Hip Hop is Dead

Notorious B.I.G. and Puff Daddy—Victory

Title says it all.

Honorable Puff Daddy Mention—Come With Me

4. The Techno Songs

You will never admit to having these songs on your iPod as seen by the fact you sprint to change it when these songs come on at a party. In no other time is it justifiable to listen to these songs.

Moby—Flower

A nice mixture of blues and techno from Moby to get your blood pumping. Most people mistakenly call this song "Bring Sally Up".

Fatboy Slim—Right Here, Right Now

Another one of those songs that you don't recognize, but i guarantee you've heard. The build up of the first minute is extremely intense then if you're looking for another gear, listen to the next minute.

Kabian—Club Foot

Not really techno, but I was not sure where to put this song. Just listening to it will make you feel like running.

5. The Instrumental

Some times no words are needed. A violin or piano can say it perfectly.

Clint Mansell—Summer Overture

Made famous by the movie Requiem for a Dream, which one can't help but shudder when thinking about, this dramatic piece will make you run an extra five miles.

I watch this Chicago Bears clip before every game. It is physically impossible not to get pumped up after watching that, unless of course you're one of the players whose ankles were broken by Devin Hester or an Arizona Cardinals fan.

Honorable Clint Mansell Mention—Dead Reckoning

Mogwai—Auto Rock

Slower than one would think for a song meant for sports, but nothing can be more intense than a well-played piano. This song was used in this Lance Armstrong commercial perfectly.

Explosions in the Sky—First Breath After Coma

They did the entire soundtrack for Friday Night Lights for a reason.

Honorable Explosions in the Sky Mention—The Only Moment We Were Alone

Carly Comando—Everyday

Piano solo used in the NBA "Where Amazing Happens" commercials.

Well, what are you waiting for? Go running or tackle someone...NOW!