Bleacher Report - Articles by John Breech

Brian Kelly Decides to Coach Cincinnati And Notre Dame Next Season

John Breech — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 13:33:47 -0500

(Fake News)

Two hours before today's Big East showdown against Pittisburgh, Cincinnati head football coach Brian Kelly made a stunning announcement: he plans to coach both Notre Dame AND Cincinnati next season.

In a statement released by the school, Kelly had this to say:

"As most of you have noticed, I am bored. Over the last three seasons I have treated the Big East like Michael Jordan would treat a homeless basketball league. I have absolutely dominated.

I have racked up a 32-6 record against inferior competition and because the competition is so poor, I'm only in the coach's office on UC's campus about three hours per day.

So last night, I did the math. If I only have to spend three hours a day coaching Cincinnati, this means I could can put nine hours a day towards coaching Notre Dame and God knows they need it and then I could put three hours towards the Cincinnati-South Bend commute—which I will make in a Black Hawk helicopter that Notre Dame will provide. This would then give me three hours to hang out with my family and six hours to sleep."

Later in his 72 page statement, Kelly took a jab at some past Notre Dame coaches.

"People think that there is a problem in South Bend. There is a problem, it's called horrible coaching. I have more coaching talent in my elbow than Tyrone Willingham or Bob Davie had in their whole body.

And Charlie Weis, sweet Mary Magdalene, you give me Tom Brady and the Patriot offense and we would score 72 points a quarter, minimum. My infant son could have coached Notre Dame to nine wins this season and Weis only pulled off six."

When Kelly's statement was released at 10 a.m. this morning, many thought it was a joke. However, Notre Dame Athletic Director Jack Swarbrick confirmed the hiring in this statement released to the media just before 11:30 a.m.

"We've been turned down by Bob Stoops, Urban Meyer, and Gary Patterson, so at this point we're in a desperate situation that only Tiger Woods could possibly understand. We told Coach Kelly we would do whatever it takes to get him and at that point, he made a list of three things he wanted:

1. A Black Hawk helicopter
2. For me, Jack Swarbrick, to stop referring to myself in the third person
3. To still be able to coach the Bearcats.

Of course we said yes, no, and of course. Coach Kelly will be taking over on Tuesday December 8. He will coach the Bearcats from 9 a.m.-noon as they prepare for their bowl game and then he will fly to South Bend to practice with the Irish from 1:30-10:30 p.m.

Thank you for your time, we will comment further on this development next week."

For all things Cincy, check out It's Never Sunny in Cincinnati

Bengals-Raiders: Bo Knows Raiders Have Dominated This Series

John Breech — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:29:45 -0500

Bengals and Raiders fans: grab a five hour energy drink, your favorite fur coat, and an eye patch and get ready to relive the most exciting three games in series history.

(Writer's note: males are only allowed to wear fur coats if they are crazy, old, have dementia, or are near death, all of which describe Raiders' owner Al Davis, pictured below).

And when I say get ready to relive the three most exciting games in history, I'm slightly exaggerating.

These two teams never play in exciting games against each other. It's like watching two blind people play tennis, only less fun.

However, after a week of looking, I think I've found three fun games.

Fact to impress drunk people with: Bengals all-time leading scorer Jim Breech spent 13 of his 14 career NFL seasons in Cincinnati. The one that wasn't in Cincinnati: Breech's rookie year of 1979, which he spent with Oakland.

All-Time Series: Raiders lead 17-8 in regular season (will be 17-9 after Sunday) and 2-0 in the playoffs.

Lets get to the countdown:

3. Sept. 13, 1992, at Cincinnati

Bengal legends Harold Green and Derek Fenner (pictured) both scored touchdowns in this game, but it almost wasn't enough for the win.

A one-yard touchdown run by Marcus Allen late in the fourth quarter tied the game at 21 and sent it to overtime.

Most teams hate overtime, but not the Bengals, because their kicker at the time was Mr. "NFL record for overtime kicks" Jim Breech.

Breech nailed a 34-yard field goal in the sudden death period, sending the Bengals and rookie head coach Dave Shula to 2-0.

And yes, you read that correctly, Dave Shula started a season 2-0. And it would have been 3-0 if not for this game, involving this person that I really want to do this to.

Result: Bengals 24, Raiders 21

2. Dec. 28, 1975, at Oakland

The Bengals traveled to Oakland in 1975 for only the third playoff game in franchise history. The mighty Raiders had gone 12-2 in the regular season, but Bengals fans had high hopes for this game. Why? Because one of the Raider's two losses came at the hands of Cincinnati.

Not to mention, the Bengals themselves had finished the regular season with the highest winning percentage in team history (.783) with an 11-3 record.

Unfortunately for Cincinnati, for three quarters, the Bengals looked a lot like the 2009 Cleveland Browns

Early in the fourth quarter, Cincinnati found themselves trailing 31-14.

Game over? Not so fast, my friend.

Ken Anderson threw fourth quarter touchdown passes to Issac Curtis and Charlie Joiner to cut the Raider lead to 31-28.

On Oakland's next possession, JaMarcus Russell wasn't the quarterback—or born yet for that matter—but the Raiders still executed a Russell-like drive by going three-and-out.

The Bengals then got the ball back with a chance to win or tie.

Or neither.

Cincy would go four-and-out and watch their franchise playoff record fall to 0-3.

Result: Raiders 31, Bengals 28

1. Jan. 13, 1991, at Los Angeles

This game put Tecmo out of business and ruined Nike's sweetest ad campaign ever.

And we have Kevin Walker to thank.

In the second half of a tantalizingly close game, Walker ended Bo Jackson's football career with a tackle that damaged Bo's hip.

This game was also exhibit A for why Bo was unstoppable in Tecmo Super Bowl. In the three quarters preceding the injury, Jackson had racked up 77 yards on six carries.

We can probably all agree that if Bo doesn't get injured, Tecmo Super Bowl would have sold six billion copies, and the Madden franchise would have never started.

No Madden means Playstation 2 would have never existed, which means Playstation 3 wouldn't be here, which means that X-box would be a cool name for a dog, but not a video game machine, and everyone in the world would be dead. So, Kevin Walker single-handedly stopped the apocalypse, amazing.

Lets get back to the game though. After Jackson went out with his team up 10-3, the Bengals came back and tied it in the fourth.

However, the Raiders would score 10 more points to win the game.

The most embarrassing part of the loss is that Jay Schroeder was the Raider quarterback at the time.

Say that again: "Jay Schroeder."

There are paper plates with more talent than Schroeder.

Result: Raiders 20, Bengals 10

Cincinnati Bengals' Post-Bye Schedule Has Playoffs Written All Over It

John Breech — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 14:03:23 -0400

Five-and-a-half months ago, I put together this AFC North preview.

In case you're too lazy to click on it, I had the teams finishing like this:

Pittsburgh 12-4
Cincinnati 10-6
Baltimore 8-8
Cleveland 6-10, 4-12 (I predicted six wins, but then I couldn't find six wins on Cleveland's schedule, so a day later, I lowered the prediction to four.)

Now that the Bengals are headed into the bye week, it's time to do two things: 1. Pat myself on the back for being so smart; 2. Predict the rest of the schedule.

Before I look at the Bengals' nine remaining games, I have some good news and some bad news.

The Good News: Marvin Lewis has a 15-9-1 career record in November—although I still believe that the tie should have counted as two wins for the Bengals, mainly because Ryan Fitzpatrick was our quarterback, plus it came against a playoff team.

The Bad News: Lewis is 1-4-1 coming off a bye week. There is a silver lining to the bad news though. The one win off the bye just happened to come in 2003 against—you guessed it—the same team the Bengals play coming off the bye this year, the Ravens.

So are the Bengals going to make the playoffs? Do they have any shot at the Super Bowl? Let's look at their remaining schedule.

(By the way, does the Super Bowl logo at right look orange and black to anyone else? Is this a good thing? Can the Bengals just have the Lombardi Trophy now?)

Nov. 8 and 15: Ravens and Steelers

These two games are lumped together for one reason: The Bengals are not going to lose both of them.

Dustin Diamond will win an Academy Award for playing Screech Powers in a movie about the Holocaust before the Bengals lose both of these games.

This team is too good to lose two games in a row. Will they lose to the Steelers? Maybe. Will they lose to the Ravens? Possibly—but they will not lose to both of these teams. Bengals record on Nov. 16: 6-3.

Nov. 22: Bengals at Raiders

The problem for the Raiders is that if Helen Keller were still alive and they signed her, she would be an upgrade at quarterback. Bengals improve to 7-3.

Nov. 29: Browns at Bengals

If Browns coach Eric Mangini was a hostage negotiator, everyone would be dead in under three minutes. Bengals up their record to 8-3.

Dec. 6: Lions at Bengals

Raise your hand if you know when the Lions last beat the Bengals. We'll give you a hint: Barry Sanders scored a touchdown, and Beverly Hills 90210 was our favorite show on TV. If you guessed Nov. 22, 1992, slap yourself for knowing too much. Bengals claw their way to 9-3.

Dec. 13: Bengals at Vikings

Brett Favre should be just injured enough by week 14 to be absolutely useless (just ask the 2008 Jets). Bengals hold All-Day Adrian Peterson to 68 yards and improve to 10-3.

Dec. 20: Bengals at Chargers

Putting the Bengals on the West Coast is like putting a mail bomb in Ted Kaczynski's hands and asking him not to blow anyone up. The Chargers are always desperate for a win by this point in the season. Bengals fall to 10-4.

Dec. 27: Chiefs at Bengals

Larry Johnson is a f@g. Well, actually he called someone that and now he probably won't be playing football the rest of the season, but you have to admit, that's a pretty cool way he's sporting his hat in the picture below. Bengals win and improve to 11-4.

Jan. 3: Bengals at Jets

It's the last regular season game ever at the Meadowlands. If the Bengals can't improve their playoff positioning and this game has no meaning, then they're going to lose. It's that simple. Let's drop them to 11-5.

Oh, and the rest of the AFC North: The Steelers are going to go 12-4 or 11-5. The Ravens are going 9-7 or 8-8, and the Browns—well, who cares what the Browns do, although I think we can all agree that their win total won't go above four.

And Bengals fans, flights to Miami aren't getting any cheaper.

The Five Most Gut-Punching Cincinnati Bengals Losses of All Time

John Breech — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 12:16:48 -0400

(Most Bengals fans would love to knock the smile off Joe Montana's [pictured right] face.)

For most NFL fanbases, losing a game on an 87-yard tipped touchdown pass would probably be the low point in franchise history.

Not in Cincinnati, though. Nightmares happen here more often than on Elm Street.

The truth is that no Cincinnati fan over the age of six actually thought the game was over after Cedric Benson's touchdown.

With 38 seconds left in the game, I swear to David Klingler I had this exact thought:

"I bet Kyle Orton throws a high liner for Brandon Marshall that Leon Hall tips into the air, it will be caught by Brandon Stokley, who hasn't had a catch all day, and he'll scamper 87 yards for a touchdown."

OK, so I didn't think that. I was thinking more along the lines of, "I bet Matt Prater makes a 68-yard field goal left-footed with no shoe on."

Hopefully you get the point here—Bengals fans have very active imaginations when it comes to ways to lose a game.

Anyway, let's get to the five most gut-punching losses ever. Please get out the puke bucket because your stomach is going to get queasy...

Honorable Mention

Sept. 19, 1976 at Baltimore—28-27

Maybe the Bengals should just forfeit weeks one and two to make things easier on the fans. In week two of 1976, the Bengals watched their 27-21 lead disappear late in the fourth quarter on a Roosevelt Leaks two-yard touchdown run.

Cincinnati would finish 10-4 and out of the playoffs. The Colts would go 11-3 and be the last team in.

Jan. 24, 1982, Super Bowl XVI

The Bengals' first foray into the big game almost turned into embarrassment when they found themselves down 20-0 at halftime. However, the Bengals came within inches of a miraculous third quarter comeback.

On first-and-goal from the one, Cincinnati had four chances to punch the ball in for a touchdown that would have cut the 49er lead to 20-14.

However, this is the Bengals, so we all know what happens. Bengals don't get in, 49ers end up winning 26-21.

Sept. 13, 2009 vs. Broncos—12-7

You know what happened. The immaculate deflection. Let's just say that historically, the Bengals do not respond well to adversity. See the past 18 seasons for reference.

Sept. 12, 1999 vs. Tennessee—36-35

On opening day 1999, the Bengals managed to blow a 35-26 lead in the fourth quarter. Al Del Greco hit the game winner as time trickled down.

Dec. 31, 2006 vs. Pittsburgh—23-17, OT

Mr. Almost Always Automatic Shayne Graham goes wide on a 39-yard attempt that would have put the Bengals in the playoffs. This is probably just as painful as game No. 5 on the list, but No. 5 shows off Bengal ineptitude, which no other franchise can match.

5. Dec. 24, 2006 at Denver

Ninety-nine percent of Bengals fans had a flashback to this game on Sunday.

Either you did it after Brad St. Louis botched the snap on the first half field goal. Or you kept saying to yourself after Cedric Benson's touchdown, "They're going to screw up the extra point, I just know it."

We all remember this Christmas Eve classic. St. Louis and holder Kyle Larsen look like they've never held or snapped a ball in their lives. Blah, blah, blah, read this post for the rest of the story.

Bottom line: This game costs Cincinnati a playoff spot. Bengals lose 24-23.

4. TIE: Oct. 30, 1994 vs. Dallas and Oct. 20, 1996 at San Francisco

I think you'll notice that the 49ers are on this list 17 times.

Anyway, in the Dallas game, the 0-8 Bengals are 17-point underdogs to the defending Super Bowl champs.

Jeff "Shake 'n" Blake comes out firing and hits Darnay Scott with two long touchdown passes (67, 55) as the Bengals shoot out to a 14-0 lead. Um, let's see, how does this game end again?

How about Cowboys kicker Chris Boniol hitting a late fourth quarter field goal for a 23-20 Cowboys win?

The 49ers-Bengals game also involves a bomb or two to Scott, only this time the Bengals would jump out to a 21-0 lead.

Then Steve Young, who, if you believe the announcers, was dying of cancer in the second half, made a miraculous comeback.

49ers win 28-21 with a fourth quarter touchdown. Young is called a hero, a trooper, and probably would have been named Pope if he wasn't Mormon.

3. Sept. 20, 1987 at Cincinnati vs. San Francisco

Former Bengals kicker Jim Breech is going to love this list because three of the five losses listed cost him fame, fortune, and probably his own Cessna.

In this game that most fans don't remember and pretty much is the equivalent of getting hit in the face with a tire iron, Breech hit four field goals (23, 42, 41, 46), including two in the fourth quarter that gave Cincy a 26-20 lead.

With six seconds showing on the clock, the Bengals had the ball on their own 31.

Coach Sam Wyche didn't want to risk a blocked punt, so he had running back James Brooks run a sweep, the thought being that the speedy Brooks could run out six seconds.

But this is the Bengals, so we all know that didn't happen.

Brooks loses six yards and is tripped up at the 25-yard line with one second left.

That turns out to be all the time Joe Montana needs to hit Jerry Rice for a game-winning touchdown.

Ray Wersching's extra point means the 49ers escape Riverfront with a 27-26 win.

If you're looking for a gut-punching last second loss where there is no time left on the clock, this is it.

2. Sept. 20, 1992 at Green Bay

(Sept. 20 must be cursed. This game, the game above. None of this bodes well for this Sunday's game.)

I won't go into detail here about this game because I've written about it here on b/r. Let's just say Bengals kicker Breech hits a 41-yard field goal to give Cincy a 23-17 lead with 1:11 showing on the clock.

The ensuing kickoff leaves the Pack at their own eight-yard line.

What do the Packers have going against them?

Top receiver Sterling Sharpe goes out one play into the drive thanks to an injury. Starting quarterback Don Majkowski had already gone down in the first half, so Green Bay needed their backup quarterback (a second-year castoff from Atlanta) to drive them 92 yards, which is the equivalent of putting a homeless guy in a chemistry lab and asking him to cure AIDS.

What do you think happens? It's the Bengals, and it's the game that makes Brett Favre a legend. Packers 24-23.

Even more heartbreaking, the Bengals were 2-0 going into this game. They would finish the season 5-11.

1. Super Bowl XXIII

(I'll let YouTube explain this one.)

But let's just say, Breech makes his cameo appearance with 3:16 left in this game when he hits a 40-yard field goal to put the team up 16-13.

Bengals fans get happy.

Bengals fans realize they will probably lose.

Bengals fans knew this was coming, so crying was kept to a minimum.

Get to Georgia: Atlanta Is Having a Sportsgasm Labor Day Weekend

John Breech — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 01:12:49 -0400

(Don't know what a sportsgasm is? Neither do I, but I think we both will by the end of this piece.)

Guess what's going on in Atlanta this weekend. If you guessed "everything," then you're right.

For three straight nights over Labor Day weekend, the ATL is going to be a sports fans wet dream.

The fun starts Friday night at 7:30 PM when the Cincinnati Reds FINALLY come to Atlanta for a baseball game. (For some reason known only to Johnny Bench, I am a Reds fan.)

Fifteen years ago, these former division rivals played each other 15 times a season. Now, it seems like the only time the Reds are in Atlanta is if they get traded here.

(On a completely unrelated airport side note: Hartsfeld-Jackson is the bubonic plague of North American airports; avoid it at all costs. For God's sake, walk to your destination if you have to, but do not go through this airport. If you have a layover here, kill yourself, it will be less painful.)

Living in Atlanta and being a Reds fan is impossibly sucky. The day the 2009 schedule was released, I crapped my pants. Why? I found out the Reds were making one trip to Atlanta, ONE F-ing trip. My one-year-old nephew has made more trips to Atlanta this year.

On top of that, the trip was scheduled for September. Any half intelligent Reds fan not named Jeff Brantley knows that the team is usually 37 games out of first and has traded all their stars by this point.

So basically, I get to watch a Triple-A team wearing Reds uniforms. Awesome.

The only thing that could possibly make up for watching this abomination of a team would be if for some reason thousands of 18-22 year old drunk college girls were making their way to town.

Wait, what the hell did you just say? College Gameday is in Atlanta on Saturday!

For those of you that don't know, there are only two days a year when it's guaranteed that girls will get really drunk and wear less clothing than a porn star playing strip poker at a pool party serving free tequila. Halloween and the weekend that Gameday is in town.

Thank you Chik-Fil-A for bringing in Alabama and Virginia Tech to kickoff the College Football Season. Every male in Atlanta is deeply indebted to you.

Oh, and keep reading, because the weekend only gets more exciting.

After Gameday concludes and the APD makes at least 31 disorderly conduct arrests, there's an actual game to be played.

Football fans will head to the Ga. Dome at 8 PM to see how drunk the college girls got (some married men who are with their wives might have to watch some of the game), pathetic Reds fans like myself will be at Turner Field slitting our wrists at the thought of Drew Stubbs and Wladimir Balentien on the same team.

After reading the first five paragraphs, you're probably doing one of two things right now: mapquesting directions to Atlanta or googling 'Hot SEC chicks.' Well, stop that and keep reading because the weekend still isn't over.

After 90 percent of the city rolls out of bed Sunday morning smelling like burnt latex and citrus vodka, the fun starts all over.

Adam Rosales and the high-powered Reds take the field once again at 1:30 PM. Do you think I can do it? Sit through three Reds games in three days? The way the Reds have played this season, trying to kill myself with a clothes hanger might be more fun.

If the Reds play so poorly that they make me want to drown my cat, my cat just might get to keep all of his nine lives because there is something awesome that will surely distract me Sunday night: drunk rednecks.

Drunk rednecks make Broncos receiver Brandon Marshall look mature. Lucky for me, my cat and depressed Reds fans all over Atlanta, Drunk Redneck Revival hits the city Sunday night when NASCAR brings the Pep Boys 500 to town.

Think about this. Is this even safe?

Rednecks, drunk college kids, and Reds fans all in the same town on one weekend.

Might the city implode on itself? Will the world record for unintended pregnancies be broken? Will the CDC be fighting an AIDS outbreak by Saturday afternoon? Will redneck men even be interested in hot chicks that aren't their daughter? So many questions, and only three days until all the answers are revealed.

Labor Day weekend in Atlanta just might be our generation's Woodstock. Or not.

In Light of Roethlisberger Allegations, Vick to Pittsburgh Makes Sense

John Breech — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 12:22:08 -0400

Since yesterday's shocking Ben Roethlisberger sexual assault allegations, the Internet has been buzzing like a college freshman who just bonged his second beer.

In regards to the civil suit, people seem to fall into one of two camps. The majority of the populace thinks that Roethlisberger is innocent; however, there are plenty of people out there that think Andrea McNulty's charges are so detailed that Roethlisberger may actually be found liable.

The point is this: If you're running the Pittsburgh Steelers organization, you need a plan B.

I guarantee you, if Mike Tomlin is 99 percent sure Roethlisberger is going to get through this, the NFL head coach in his head is saying, "Mike, what about that one percent, what if he doesn't get through this. Can we compete in the AFC North, let alone win a Super Bowl, with Charlie Batch or Dennis Dixon?"

I'll answer that question for you, Coach Tomlin: Transformers 2 will win best picture at the Academy Awards before you find success with either Batch or Dixon as your full-time starter.

The answer for the Steelers is simple: Sign Michael Vick.

This works on two levels for Pittsburgh.

First, the publicity surrounding the move would be huge. The media coverage would be so insane it might leave people wondering who Andrea McNulty is. It would give Roethlisberger room to breathe at training camp, as Vick would certainly be the person of interest for the media.

Second, and most importantly, Tomlin could sit Vick down and say, "Look Mike, we know you want to be the starter. Well, if Ben can't go this year, the team is yours. If Ben does play, then we'll make you a vital part of the offense like Bill Cowher did with Kordell Stewart a decade ago.

"Keep in mind, if Ben's playing, we're not going to wildcat you, because that's not what we do. We're actually going to make you a vital part of our game plan. You'll get snaps at quarterback, wide receiver, and running back."

How could Vick say no to an opportunity with the defending Super Bowl champs?

The best part is this—Vick only has to sign a one-year deal. Sign for one year, $1 million. Put escalator clauses in the contract so that if he is starter (should Ben be suspended), he could earn substantially more.

If Roethlisberger plays, Vick has one good season with the Steelers and goes on to earn a large payday with another team in 2010. If Roethlisberger doesn't play and Vick has a stellar season under center, then, once again, he goes on to earn a large payday with another team in 2010.

As a Bengals fan, the idea of Vick to the Steelers scares me more than a knee injury to Carson Palmer. If I were a Steelers fan, I would be salivating at the thought.

**Update July 28: Vegas has labeled the Steelers and Patriots as the two most likely teams to land Vick at 4-1 odds. The Titans are the next closest at 5-1.**

Check out my blog for some exclusive information on the Roethlisberger case. Did you know McNulty hired her lawyer in March, check the blog for a timeline of events.

Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger Hit with Sexual Assault Lawsuit Updated

John Breech — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 02:30:00 -0400

If bad news keeps following him around after Super Bowl victories, Ben Roethlisberger may not ever want to win another Lombardi Trophy.

Everyone remembers Roethlisberger's motorcycle accident in the offseason following Super Bowl XL. This offseason has brought a new surprise: a sexual harassment lawsuit.

Pro Football Talk (an NBC affiliate) has confirmed that a casino employee in Nevada has levied five charges against Roethlisberger. The Steelers' QB was served with the suit this weekend while playing in a celebrity golf tournament in Nevada.

The two-time Super Bowl winner is being charged with one civil count of assault, one civil account of sexual assault and battery, one civil account of false imprisonment, one civil count of false pretenses, and one civil account of intentional infliction of emotional distress.

The complainant, Andrea McNulty, claims that in July 2008 she was called up to Roethlisberger's room to fix a television. While she was up there, McNulty claims Roethlisberger forced her to have sex with him.

Roethlisberger's lawyer David Cornwall vehemently denied the allegations in this statement that was released late Monday night:

"This weekend Andrea McNulty served Ben Roethlisberger with a civil complaint accusing him of sexually assaulting her in July 2008. Ben has never sexually assaulted anyone; especially Andrea McNulty. The timing of the lawsuit and the absence of a criminal complaint and a criminal investigation are the most compelling evidence of the absence of any criminal conduct.

"If an investigation is commenced, Ben will cooperate fully and Ben will be fully exonerated. Ben will not be baited into a public discussion about his personal life, but we will defend him vigorously. The limited value that Ms. McNulty derived from public disclosure of these viciously false allegations is the only value she will ever receive from Ben in this case."

Cornwall makes a solid case for the innocence of his client. The first and most obvious question is: If Roethlisberger is actually guilty, why didn't McNulty file criminal charges? Why go straight after his money?

Keep in mind, these are civil charges. This means that if Roethlisberger was found guilty, the court could only financially punish him, and there would be no jail time. McNulty is seeking $440,000 in damages.

Details of the allegations became available Tuesday morning and they go as follows:

McNulty claims that Roethlisberger was walking a woman out of his room to an elevator. After the girl reached the elevator, Roethlisberger chatted it up with several Harrah's employee's, including McNulty.

Roethlisberger allegedly told McNulty that the sound sysytem on his TV wasn't working. McNulty told Ben that she would send someone to fix it, but he asked that she do it.

When McNulty couldn't find anyone to send to the room to repair the television, Harrah's staff allegedly told her to go so that Roethlisberger would have no comlaints about his stay.

McNulty says that Roethlisberger was in a T-shirt and athletic shorts and that after she tested the TV and sound system, she found nothing to be wrong.

The suit then says that as McNulty tried to exit the room, Roethlisberger, "grabbed [her] and started to kiss her."

McNulty says that Roethlisberger fondled her, pushed her into the bed and then did the deed. She claims she "communicated her objection and lack of consent." She even says she told him, "you don't want to do this."

When Roethlisberger asked if there were cameras in the room and McNulty answered, "Yes," Roethisberger allegedly became stern, telling her, "If anyone asks, you fixed my television. You fixed my television, now go."

The alleged incident is said to have taken place on Friday, July 11, 2008.

According to Washoe County's web site, the charges were filed Friday, July 17 at 3:55 p.m., the summons for Roethlisberger was issued three minutes later.

The eight other defendants in the case are: Debbie Neall, Mike Rosenow, Dave Monroe, Mark Masters, Guy Hyder, John Koster, Stacy Dingman (former director of hotel operations at Harrah's), and Bryan Casuscelli (marketing staffer at Harrah's).

The Douglas County (Nev.) Sheriff's Department also announced that because there were no criminal charges filed against Roethlisberger, they would not open an investigation.

The big questions for Steelers fans is: If Ben is innocent, will the charges mess with his head as he trains for the upcoming season?

*UPDATE: TMZ.com is breaking some interesting news, you can hit up my blog to check it out or visit TMZ.The blog also includes a timeline of the case. Did you know that McNulty hired her lawyer in March, check out the blog for other surprises.

Bengals Kicker Shayne Graham Vents Contract Frustrations on Facebook

John Breech — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 12:18:09 -0400

It looks like Chad Ochocinco isn't the only Cincinnati Bengals player utilizing social networking services. Kicker Shayne Graham is getting in on the action too.

Since being hit with the franchise tag back in February, Graham has been relatively quiet as he and his agent Rob Roche have attempted to negotiate a long-term contract with the Bengals.

Back in May, Graham talked to the Cincinnati Enquirer about his one-year, $2.483 million franchise deal: "It's a lot of money for one year, but having that certainty of a long-term deal gives you a little more security."

Graham, the most accurate kicker in NFL history, has not spoken with the Enquirer about the situation since then.

Earlier this month, Graham gave Bengals.com a short quote on his frustrations with how the negotiations were going.

"There hasn't been any progress since [last year]," Graham told the team's official website. "I've given up making predictions. I never thought I would be the franchise player, but it will work itself out."

Graham may have been spinning things for the Bengals website, because only two hours after the 4 p.m. July 15 deadline passed for teams to lock up tagged players, Graham had this to say via Facebook (suggesting things might not work out):

"How can a team give you the franchise tag showing your value to them, but not agree to a long-term deal because they want a discount. Makes no sense. Uugggghh."

Over 20 of Graham's 850 friends commented on the situation, and one even said, "sounds like this is your last year in cinci."

The friend's comment wouldn't be relevant except that Graham didn't deny anything his friends suggested.

His response to many of them [and I'm paraphrasing all of his comments into one here] was, "I'll play out this year and we'll see what happens."

Graham is obviously unhappy with his situation.

Historically, the Bengals have been kind to kickers, as they've only had four since 1981 (although there were instances, like during Graham's injury last season, where another kicker played for a game or two).

However, the team seems unwilling to give Graham the contract he wants.

The Bengals have a history of shortchanging everyone from players to fans to N'Sync (they tried to charge the boy band for some messed-up grass after a concert earlier this decade).

It's hard not to be on the side of the Bengals' red-headed rightie.

**Update: Citing two anonymous sources and not Shayne Graham, the Cincinnati Enquirer's Joe Reedy claims that this profile is fake. I strongly disagree, Graham has several of his high school friends on this profile and one girl that we both know. I am 99.9 percent sure this is a real profile. **

**Update II: I exchanged emails with Joe Reedy from the Cincinnati Enquirer. He feels strongly about his sources, I sent him some evidence, the bottom line is we both agreed that the other person could potentially be correct, Reedy changed his headline to 'Shayne Graham Facebook Rumor.' He was very professional and I'll still be following him as he covers the Bengals for the Enquirer this year.**

(The picture above is the screen grab from Graham's profile. To see it more clearly and to read about how his negotiations with Bengals management may have gone, you can check out my blog. Click on the picture in the blog to see it clearly.)

Wipe Away the Tears, Please: CBSSports, Bleacher Report Got It Right

John Breech — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 15:29:52 -0400

If you've been making your away around b/r over the past two months, chances are you've probably heard the combination of the following three words used together a few times: CBSsports, Correspondent, and NFL.

Back in May, b/r announced that they were teaming up with CBSsports to form the NFL Correspondent's network. The plan, in theory, was that CBSsports was going to hire 32 b/r writers to fill these positions.

What actually happened?

CBSsports hired 16 b/r writers and 16 qualified individuals from outside of the b/r network. Of the 16 from b/r, only 14 were able to accept the job due to personal circumstances.

Minutes after the results were announced, people on this site began to cry like a teenage girl who had just seen Titanic for the first time.

People were acting like CBSsports went Tonya Harding on them and ruined their writing future.

One article even states that b/r applicants were burned by CBS.

Here's the bottom line: everyone that's not bitter about losing should be happy right now. The network that owns the rights to televise AFC football games almost hired you. Your work was looked at by a staff of professional writers.

For anyone that's still fuming about this, let me put this as succinctly as possible: You have absolutely no sense about the current state of journalism/sports journalism in this country.

Let me fill you in quickly.

Newspapers are closing their doors at record rates. This means that the market is being deluged with sports writers that are better than you, better than me, and better than most.

I'm a 27-year-old sports editor for a suburban Atlanta paper. When we put a job posting on an Internet board recently, we had over 100 applications before we even knew what was going on.

I was interviewing guys with way more experience than myself and this was for a job that was only going to pay $475 a week.

Now what happened here is product of this supply and demand chain. I can almost guarantee you that CBSsports had no idea that so many qualified journalists would be willing to work for $400/week. As we all know, that's just not a lot of money.

Originally, CBS probably said to themselves, "Let's team with b/r, find some fans that write well and will work for $400 and we'll probably get some good publicity in the process."

Now here is where CBS went wrong. The market is saturated with great writers right now. Had CBS known this, I doubt they would have even done this competition and NO ONE at b/r would have gotten a job. CBS obviously realized their mistake and told b/r that they wanted to go a more professional route.

It seems that b/r understood, to an extent.

I believe b/r probably negotiated that half the writers be from b/r and half be professional. In this instance, both companies win. The 16 writers hired from b/r are guys that probably would never had a chance to cover an NFL team in their lives.

The only people that have reason to be mad are the two finalists for each team where a professional was hired. Unless you were a finalist (finalists got an e-mail June 8 and returned a contract that week), you should have no bone to pick.

The crazy thing here is that b/r thought of this, they knew some of their best writers were going to get snubbed (this may explain the delay in the announcement of who won). The b/r brain trust probably said, "Wow, people are going to be pissed that CBS is giving 16 jobs to professionals, how do we rectify this so that we don't alienate some of our best writers?"

What does b/r do? They offer a $500 check to any finalist that was displaced by a professional writer. This means if you were going for the Falcons job and a b/r writer got the position, you don't get a check because you lost fairly.

If you were going for the Bills job and a CBS guy got the post, then you got a check.

This is all written in an e-mail by b/r CEO Dan Kelly that was sent out by Rory Brown on July 14.

For those of you that think you were at a disadvantage because you didn't apply directly through CBS like the professionals, you're wrong.

Let me tell you this. CBS would have thrown your resume right out the window if you had no journalism experience, and trust me when I say your college newspaper would not count.

Your masters in English would have meant something if they wanted you to review the next Harry Potter movie, but it wouldn't help you get a beat writing job.

Thanks to b/r, guys with little or no experience at least had a shot at these jobs.

And trust me, this would have been a great job for anyone on this site. As a beat writer, you make invaluable connections and sometimes even better friendships.

The CBSsports winners that do a good job this season will surely be hired for future projects.

Now, it may have been intern pay, but this was not a glorified intern job, that's the reason so many pros applied, it's the real deal. NFL beat writer is one of the hardest jobs in the country to land.

And for anyone that has a complaint because CBS changed the rules; it's their competition, they're signing the paychecks, they can do what they want.

Think about it, if you (the entrant) viewed this as a job application, then you can't be mad that CBS hired the best person available.

If you viewed it as a contest, let me just say that the lottery is a contest too, no successful person has ever planned their life around winning a contest, why? Because there is too much chance involved.

Let me sum this up as nicely as possible: If you're still mad, go change your diaper, wipe away the tears and get on with your life.

(In case you're wondering, b/r did not give me a car, a free hooker, and or a lifetime supply of ShamWows to write this. I applied for the Bengals position, I was a finalist. I am 100 percent content with the way the contest/job application process went.)

One final note, I do disagree with the fact the b/r has deleted a lot of the criticism pertaining to the competition, I read many of them and that's actually what compelled me to write this.

Bengals GM Mike Brown has Higher Salary than Steelers Owner Dan Rooney

John Breech — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 15:56:08 -0400

If you somehow managed to miss the headline, let me fill you in on the nature of this piece.

Mike Brown, the awesomely successful General Manager/guy that won't hire any scouts/Owner of the Bengals makes more money than the Steelers incredibly woeful Dan Rooney.

Wait, I think I completely butchered that. Let's try this again. Since 1991, when Mike Brown took over the Bengals GM/Owner spot, the Bengals have been to exactly zero Super Bowls while making one trip to the playoffs.

The Steelers on the other hand, have made three trips to the Super Bowl (winning two) and so many trips to the playoffs that I stopped keeping track in 1998.

So the shocker here is this, over the past two seasons, Mike Brown has made an average of about $2 million in salary while Dan Rooney has pulled in, wait, wait for it...about $1.5 million per year.

Are you serious Mike Brown.

Rooney's numbers became public last week when he had to reveal his income as a stipulation for accepting his new job as Ambassador to Ireland.

This is absolutely nuts.

Imagine if I was directing a movie starring Paris Hilton and Meryl Streep and I was like, "Look Meryl, we all know you've been nominated for a record 12 academy awards, but I think we're going to pay Paris more money, she's been in a Hardee's commercial, plus she has a cooler last name."

I'm thinking Meryl walks right off the set, the only question is if she runs over Paris Hilton with her hybrid on the way out.

Brown's salary was revealed by the Cincinnati Enquirer back in April. Since 1991, Brown has made anywhere between $2-2.6 million per year ($700,000 salary and a GM bonus that has fluctuated between $1.2-1.9 million since 1991).

I'm a Bengals fan, so I won't bash Brown completely, but if we're all lucky, a few Steelers fans will after they read this.

How The Cincinnati Bengals Changed NFL History Part II: The Zone Blitz

John Breech — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 17:04:36 -0400

Fulcher-2-Stay. It only took three words and one simple play call to forever change the way NFL teams played defense.

In 1984, the Cincinnati Bengals hired new head coach Sam Wyche. Wyche, who would help develop the no-huddle offense (which you can read about here), was an innovator in the most literal sense.

He had coached under Bill Walsh and he had been around the legend when Walsh began planting the seeds for what would become the West Coast offense.

Shortly after Wyche's hire, he knew he needed a defensive coordinator and he wanted someone as innovative as himself. Instead of bringing in a new face, Wyche decided to promote Dick LeBeau, who had been the Bengals defensive backs coach for the prior four seasons.

The move made sense. The 1983, Bengals defense was ranked first in the NFL, thanks in large part to the 23 interceptions that LeBeau's defensive backs pulled in.

In his first three seasons as defensive coordinator (1984-86), Lebeau struggled. Ironically, one of the biggest headaches for LeBeau was Walsh's West Coast offense.

It wasn't just the Bengals though, defenses all over the NFL were having a tough time adjusting to the quick timing routes.

Blitzes were exposed when the quarterback made a hot read. The West Coast offense was thriving and there was nothing anyone could do to slow it down.

In 1986, the Bengals drafted a strong safety out of Arizona State that changed everything, a junior named David Fulcher. Chef LeBeau began to devise new ways to cut up an NFL offense and David Fulcher was his key ingredient.

Fulcher had the speed of a safety, but the size of a linebacker. LeBeau watched for two seasons (1986-87) as 'The Rock,' as Fulcher was known, terrorized opposing receivers.

With Fulcher leading the way, LeBeau led his first ever top-10 defense in 1987 when the Bengals finished the season at No. 8.

However, just as the no-huddle had almost ceased to exist following the '87 season, the zone defense almost wasn't born either. A 4-11 showing by the Bengals in 1987 almost cost every Bengals coach their job.

It was on a cross-country flight following the team failure of 1987 where LeBeau drew up the Gutenberg bible of NFL defenses. With his tray-table down and a pen in hand, LeBeau began doodling on a napkin.

The doodles turned into safeties blitzing, but that had been done before. Then another doodle: defensive linemen dropping back into pass coverage to make up for the blitzing safeties exposed area.

Several doodles later, LeBeau thought he was onto something. His new defense was going to fix two problems.

One of the biggest complaints about the vaunted '46' defense is that it was susceptible to the big play. If a defensive player were to blitz and not make the play, his portion of the field would be open for a big gain.

The next problem was the hot read. LeBeau wanted quarterbacks to have to think faster but with less information. Usually, on a blitz, a quarterback could hit his wide receiver for a quick curl, but in LeBeau's new defense, that becomes a risky move because there might be a defensive linemen in coverage to pick it off.

LeBeau ran his new defense by Wyche, which was a mere formality. In 1988, the Bengals were destined for the Super Bowl, they were using a defense no one had ever seen and an offense that had never been run for a whole game (Wyche devised the no-huddle in 1984 but didn't put it into extensive use until 1988).

The combination took the league by storm.

In the Bengals opening game against the then Phoenix Cardinals, they came out in their custom 3-4 defense, however, unbeknownst to Phoenix, LeBeau threw in a few kinks that no one had ever seen before.

The NFL changed forever when Bengals linebacker Reggie Williams took the call from the sideline, "Fulcher-2-stay, Fulcher-2-Stay."

Fulcher blitzed from his strong safety position, something that Cardinals quarterback Neil Lomax had probably seen hundreds of times before.

However, Lomax probably dropped his jaw when he realized that Bengals nose tackle Tim Krumrie was dropping back into coverage. The 'Fire Zone' defense, as LeBeau dubbed it, was born.

Lomax would throw two interceptions on the day and the Bengals would win 21-14 thanks to a fourth quarter goal line stand put together by a hungry defense. The victory was the first step on the march to Super Bowl XXIII.

After the Bengals struggled through the 1991 season, LeBeau left for Pittsburgh where he became the defensive backs coach.

The rest, as they say, is history. With guys like Carnell Lake, Greg Lloyd, Kevin Greene and Chad Brown, LeBeau perfected his new system.

Because of the Steeler's success with the scheme, LeBeau's creation is now associated with the steel city. Giving Bengals fans everywhere one more reason to abhor their hated rivals from the keystone state.

Surprise: Cincinnati was the birthplace of the no-huddle and the zone blitz. What else was created in the Queen City? How about the West Coast offense, part III will take a look at that sometime next week.

Dan Reeves Says Matt Stafford Should Have Stayed in School One More Year

John Breech — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 11:55:30 -0400

Former NFL Head Coach Dan Reeves thinks Matthew Stafford, the first overall pick in this year's draft, should have stayed in school.

While addressing a crowd of just over 200 people Tuesday morning (6/23) at the Atlanta Athletic Club in Johns Creek, Ga., Reeves turned some heads with his thoughts on Stafford, the top pick in April's NFL draft.

"I just thought he should have taken another year [in school]," the former Falcons, Broncos and Giants coach told the crowd. "He was a true junior. If you look at [Joe] Flacco or [Matt] Ryan, they have one thing in common, they were there (in school) at least four years."

Reeves, who is a native of Georgia, followed Stafford's career closely at UGA.

The former Cowboys Assistant Coach let everyone in attendance know his thoughts on what an extra year could have done for Stafford, "One more year in college doesn't sound like a lot, but it is, especially when it comes to maturity at the quarterback position."

The man who coached John Elway for 10 seasons also thinks Stafford may have a hard time winning a Super Bowl in Motown. "Detroit is going to be a difficult place for him to win," Reeves said. "And I say this as affectionately as possible, but people don't want to live in Detroit." That statement received a hearty laugh from an admiring crowd.

Reeves was quick to add that he wasn't necessarily making fun of the city, it was just that most players in his experience don't want to be up there. "Guys don't want to spend the offseason there [in Detroit]," the one-time Cowboys running back said.

"When [the players] play that last game, they're ready to leave Detroit, their bags are already packed, they're not staying."

Reeves' point was that it's going to be hard for Stafford to keep guys in town during the offseason, an important time for QB's to get in a rhythm with the rest of the team.

However, Reeves did say that Stafford is definitely capable of turning the Lions around, "If anyone can do it [win games in Detroit], Matthew can, but it is going to be difficult because of where he ended up."

The complete story on Dan Reeves' appearance will be available here on Sunday. For a less serious take on this story, you can check out my blog.

(Photo by John Breech)

How the Cincinnati Bengals Changed NFL History: The No-Huddle Offense Turns 25

John Breech — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 17:01:21 -0400

Thanks to the Buffalo Bills, the no-huddle offense is in the limelight again.

Two months ago, ESPN and several other outlets reported that new Bills offensive coordinator Turk Schonert was busy installing his version of the no-huddle for the upcoming 2009 season.

The announcement came at the perfect time because unbeknownst to many, the high-flying no-huddle offense will be celebrating it's 25th birthday this year.

It all started on December 29, 1983, when the Cincinnati Bengals announced the hiring of a new head coach, Sam Wyche.

Midway through the 1984 season, his first in Cincinnati, "Wicky Wacky" Wyche (as the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette called him) had a revelation as he watched his team prepare for a third down and long situation. The coach couldn't understand why anyone with half a brain would let the defense sub out slow linebackers for speedy nickel backs.

"We're going to go back here and [huddle] for 20 seconds and let them get all of their best rushers and best cover people in?" Wyche posited in a November 2008 interview with the Roanoke Times. "And [then] we're going to line-up and do exactly what they thought we'd do—throw the ball."

Wyche knew there had to be a better way. So the mad scientist in him began experimenting.

First, the Bengals started running a basketball type huddle from the sideline. During timeouts, 15-20 players would huddle around Wyche listening for the next play. As soon as the referees whistled the ball in-play, 11 players sprinted to the line of scrimmage.

This strategy made sure the defense didn't have time to match up with the Bengals personnel on the field.

It wasn't long before the No Fun League put a hamper on the Bengals brilliance by limiting the tactic.

Next up, the team developed what was known as the "sugar huddle," it was given this mouthwatering moniker because it was supposed to be "short and sweet."

At the time, most teams were spending about 20 seconds in the huddle, the Bengals cut that down to five. The short-lived sugar huddle proved to be to the forefather to the now-famous no-huddle.

The no-huddle, like most great inventions, was born out of necessity. Wyche needed an offense that the NFL wouldn't punish, "They changed [the rules] every week for almost four years," Wyche says of the NFL. "Every week they had a different rule, I'm not exaggerating, it was so frustrating."

In 1986, Wyche brought Bruce Coslet to Cincinnati to coordinate the Bengals offense. With Coslet's help, Wyche was going to turn the no-huddle into something of legend.

One of the main reasons Wyche brought in Coslet is because they were both disciples of Bill Walsh. Both had been around for the advent of the "Cincinnati Offense" (Later dubbed the West Coast) and both had creative minds when it came to exploring the nuances of what you can and can't do with an NFL offense.

Boomer Esiason, who would benefit from the no-huddle's success as the Bengals quarterback, said on America's Game: The Missing Rings, that he saw the roots of Coslet's and Wyche's brilliance, "We took Bill Walsh's 49ers West Coast [offense], very cerebral system, to another level of thinking, it was remarkable."

As the Bengals headed to Pittsburgh for week six of the 1986 season, talk of the no-huddle hit a fever pitch. The Bengals went into the Monday Night showdown at 3-2, but in those three wins, they had scored a remarkable 36, 30, and 34 points.

"We've had more success with it then people realize," Wyche said in an interview with the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette before the game. Many outside observers however, claimed that the offense seemed to confuse the Bengals more then the opposing defenses, but Wyche would have none of that talk.

"We actually know what we're doing," Wyche said at the time. "Sometimes we use it to keep personnel off the field, sometimes to change the tempo of the game, and sometimes to force defenses out of a certain coverage."

He also mentioned a few more reasons why he likes it, "It's a different wrinkle, it's something we give people that they don't see every week and it's difficult to practice against."

Although the Bengals would win the week six battle with the hated Steelers, they would fall just short of the playoffs, finishing the season 10-6.

After the team's first 10-win season in five years, Wyche and Coslet both felt they had a potential success on their hands with the no-huddle.

However, since the team was only employing the offense for less then 50 percent of their plays, most coaches were convinced that it wasn't the no-huddle that was causing the Bengals success. Ere-go, no one copied it.

In 1987, the no-huddle was on the verge of extinction. Thanks to a player's strike, the Bengals had to use replacement players for three games. Wyche wasn't about to teach an impossibly complicated offense to scabs, so he didn't.

Once the strike was over, the Bengals went into a free fall and they finished the season 4-11.

Everyone in Cincinnati thought Sam Wyche was done and that his pink slip was in the mail. But Paul Brown, one of the game's earliest innovator's and the Bengals owner, decided to give Wyche one more chance. And his huge risk paid off.

The no-huddle made it's name as the Bengals made their Super Bowl run during the 1988 season.

No team had an answer for the no-huddle. The Bengals jumped out to a 6-0 start while averaging 28.5 points per game.

The team would finish the season 12-4, lead the NFL in scoring and take home the AFC Central Division title.

However, during the playoffs, a controversy reared it's ugly head thanks to the no-huddle.

Before the AFC Championship game between the Bengals and Bills, Buffalo Head Coach Marv Levy made it apparent that he had a problem with the Bengals offense. "When you break the huddle—and I know he's not huddling so maybe it's hazy—they are not to come out with 12-13 players on the field," Levy told the Toledo Blade four days before the game.

Levy thought the Bengals were skirting the rules. There was talk that a Bills player would go down injured after every play to slow the game down so that the Bengals couldn't run their beloved offense. The Seahawks had used the legal tactic, with no success, in the prior week's divisional playoff game.

As Levy continued to draw attention to the situation, tension grew. The day before the game, the New York Times interviewed Tony Veteri, then an assistant supervisor of officials. Veteri told them the Bengals weren't breaking any rules, "When there's no huddle, it's okay to have more than 11 players on the field as long as they're off before the ball is snapped or before the clock runs down."

Veteri would also add, "We would never, never interfere with this game, as far as a new interpretation [of the rules]."

Veteri's words would prove to be anything but prophetic.

Two hours before the AFC Championship was set to kickoff, the league office called the Bengals and told them if they went no-huddle, they would be hit with a 15-yard flag every time it happened. The Bengals won anyway 21-10.

Wyche told Sports Illustrated after the game, "The heck with them, we play by their rules and we still beat them."

It took Wyche four years to perfect it, but it paid off with a Super Bowl run.

Levy would take the no-huddle offense he hated (probably because he didn't think of it), modify it into the Jim Kelly led K-Gun, and go to four Super Bowls with it.

And don't think Wyche didn't notice what Levy did, "Marv Levy's headline is that 'The No-Huddle is No Fair,' and the next year they're running it and actually the next year is when they 'invented' it," Wyche said in America's Game: The Missing Rings.

As Buffalo looks to implement the no-huddle in 2009, Wyche will surely be wishing success upon the Bills, mainly because Schonert, the Bills offensive coordinator mentioned earlier, was the back-up quarterback on Wyche's 1988 Bengals team.

As a result of the no-huddle, the NFL was forced to change several rules: If a player goes down injured, he must leave for the following play. Also, in a no-huddle situation, the defense is only allowed to substitute if the offense does.

In the coming weeks, look for How the Cincinnati Bengals Changed NFL History, Pt. 2: The Zone Blitz and How the Cincinnati Bengals Changed NFL History, Pt. 3: The West Coast Offense.

2009 Bengals Schedule Part III: Cincinnati-Pittsburgh Top Five Ever

John Breech — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 15:08:57 -0400

For those of you reading this for the first time, here's the deal, since June is historically a slow time for NFL news, I've decided to put together the Bengals historic schedule.

What does this mean?

It means that I'm going week by week through the Bengals 2009 schedule and looking at their top five games versus each opponent. If you'd like to catch up, here's what you have missed:

Week 1: Bengals vs. Broncos Top Five

Week 1 Highlight: Bengals get first win in franchise history.

Week 2: Bengals vs. Packers Top Five

Week 2 Highlight: The first chapter in the Brett Favre bible is written.

Week 3 has the hated Pittsburgh Steelers headed to Cincinnati. Since the Bengals and Steelers play twice a season, I'm switching up the formula for part three of this series.

This week, I'll look at the top three wins for the Steelers, when the teams meet again in Week 10, I'll look at the top three wins for the Bengals (And yes Steelers fans, the Bengals have beaten you three times in team history).

Fun Fact: On Mon. Oct. 19, 1992, a Steelers 20-0 win ended the Bengals then NFL record 186 game scoring streak. The Bengals were shutout for the first time since Nov. 16, 1980 and kicker Jim Breech was held scoreless for the first and only time in his 14-year NFL career.

All-time Series: Steelers Lead 48-30 (Including postseason)

Let's start the countdown (remember, these are Steelers wins only).

3. Nov. 2, 1975, at Cincinnati

There have only been four occasions in NFL history when both the Steelers and Bengals both finished the season with double digit wins and 1975 was one of them.

For this November showdown, the Steelers came into the game with a 5-1 record, but they weren't in first place. The upstart Bengals had shot their way to the top of the division with an undefeated 6-0 record through the season's first six weeks.

Not only did the game live up to its hype but the big stars produced.

Steeler quarterback Terry Bradshaw threw two touchdown passes (both to Lynn Swann) and ran for another. Bradshaw's effort gave his team a 30-17 fourth quarter lead.

Bengals quarterback Ken Anderson one upped Bradshaw in the TD pass department, with three. The final one was a 22-yard pass to Chip Myers that cut the lead to 30-24.

The Bengals would get the ball back after the score, but they wouldn't be able to punch in a potential game-winning touchdown.

Pittsburgh would finish the season as Super Bowl Champs with a 12-2 record and an AFC Central Division crown. The Bengals regular season ended with an 11-3 record and a first round 31-28 playoff loss to the Raiders.

Result: Pittsburgh 30, Cincinnati 24

2. Jan. 8, 2005, at Cincinnati

There's almost no need to recap this game, if you're a fan of either team you know what happened.

On the second play from scrimmage, Carson Palmer took a low hit from the Steeler's Kimo Von Oelhoffen as he threw a 67-yard completion to Chris Henry.

To this day Bengals fans believe two things: A. the hit was cheap and B. the Steelers lose this game if Palmer doesn't get hurt.

Cheap or not, did Von Oelhoffen's hit win the Steeler's the Super Bowl? It's certainly debatable.

Result: Pittsburgh 31, Cincinnati 17

1. Dec. 31, 2006, at Cincinnati

If you're a Bengals fan, this loss had to sting more then the playoff loss. Why? Because after Carson Palmer went down, most Bengals fans knew deep down inside that any hopes of winning went down with Palmer.

Bengals fans had almost four full quarters to accept the playoff defeat.

This game was different though. A win against the hated Steelers in the final game of the 2006 season would have kept the Bengals playoff hopes alive (and because Denver would lose later on in the day, a win would have clinched a playoff berth).

With under 30 seconds left in the fourth quarter of a 17-17 game game, Bengals kicker Shayne Graham pushed a 39-yard field goal attempt just right.

The missed field goal set up an overtime that would eventually result in the most depressing New Year's Eve in city history, which coincidentally would be one week after the most depressing Christmas Eve in city history (See Denver-Cincinnati top five, number two).

In overtime, Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlisberger hit future Super Bowl MVP Santonio Holmes on a short slant route that Holmes turned into a 67-yard yard game-winning touchdown pass.

Only a Pope's funeral could be described as quieter then Paul Brown Stadium after the Holmes score.

Result: Steelers 23, Cincinnati 17

Here's what I want to know from Steelers fans; which victory made you feel better: beating the Bengals in the playoffs or eliminating them on the last week of the season?

Bengals fans, which loss hurt more?

And for everyone, was the Carson Palmer hit a cheap shot or an accident by Von Oelhoffen?

Bengals' Chad Ochocinco Makes Like Mike Tyson and Tattoos His Face

John Breech — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 20:48:58 -0400

First it was touchdown dances, then it was changing his last name, and now it appears the Bengals' Chad Ochocinco has one upped himself again—No. 85 just got tattoos on both sides of his face.

Around 6:30 p.m. (Jun. 10), Ochocinco laid this bombshell on his almost 5,000 Twitter followers:

"Yall might not believe me but my tatoo guy is here and I getting my face done, looks cool to, don't be mad just accept the Ocho please."

Forty-five minutes later, Ochocinco proved that his tweet was no joke when he posted two pics of his freshly tattooed face (one is above, the other can be seen here).

For anyone that doubts the authenticity of the Twitter account, it only takes ten minutes of reading tweets to realize that this is no one other than Ochocinco.

The tattoo in the photo above is the state of Florida, while on the other side of his face, it looks like two crosses.

Most Mike Tyson fans remember Kid Dynamite for two things: biting off Evander Holyfield's ear and putting a tattoo the size of Rhode Island on his face.

Ochocinco's tattoos are much smaller, but has No. 85 finally reached the crossroads of sanity, or is this just part of his grand plan to be the most famous football player on the planet?

Update: Ochocinco now claims, via his Twitter account, that his tattoos are fake. Although they were still on his face after today's practice.

If they are fake and Ochocinco's goal was merely to punk the media and add 3,000 twitter followers at the same time, then consider it mission accomplished.

The real shocking news here is that Ochocinco knows how to use Twitter.

So does this make him crazy? Not Crazy? Crazy brilliant? Or should Bengals fans just enjoy and rejoice because the old fun-loving Ochocinco is back?

Ochocinco Surprise For Bengals: Chad Makes First Cincinnati Visit of 2009

John Breech — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 11:51:23 -0400

Cincinnati Bengals fans, brace yourselves for this news. Chad Ochocinco showed up at Paul Brown Stadium today (June 9) and took a physical.

The appearance at PBS was Ochocinco's first since the season ended on December 28 with a win against the Kansas City Chiefs, a span of more than five months.

Most in the Bengals organization didn't expect to see Ochocinco until mandatory minicamp started on June 18.

The appearance at PBS comes less then 24 hours after Ochocinco made a phone call to Bengals.com beat writer Geoff Hobson. This was Ochocinco's first communication with Cincinnati-area media since February.

Hobson talked with Ochocinco for almost 30 minutes and the gist of the converstation seemed apparent: Ochocinco is ready to play and he wants his fans to know this.

"I need the fans to embrace me," the five-time Pro Bowler told Hobson. "I know people are mad at me, I read the message boards. but I've apologized 85 times."

"If [the fans] can embrace me, I can spread my wings and be myself," Chad says. "When they're mad at me, I don't know if I can be myself. I'm an emotional guy. I want them to know that I love them and I want to win."

Chad knows some fans are mad at him for his antics over the last year, but he says there is one person in Cincinnati who definitely isn't: Carson Palmer.

"I know people are trying to say we're mad at each other and all that, but we're good," Chad says of him and Palmer. "We're like Brokeback Mountain, I'm going to be with Carson so much in July that I'm going to be the nanny [for Palmer's almost five month old twins]."

Palmer and his wife Shaelyn, a former USC soccer player, welcomed twins Fletch and Elle into the world on January 20.

After declaring that his relationship with Palmer was under no duress, Ochocinco let the Bengals coaching staff know that he'll be doing whatever he can to help this season, "I'll be their hose," Ocho says of the coaches. "I'll put out any fire their under."

Over the weekend pictures surfaced of Ochocinco taking in the NBA Finals with son Chad Johnson II. While there, Chad received some advice from two very well-known Los Angeles residents.

"Denzel [Washington] told me, 'Go back to being Chad. People want to see that swagger. The Chad that's always smiling and wanting to be the best. Have fun. Stop worrying about things you can't control,'" Ochocinco said.

Kobe Bryant also offered Ochocinco some advice.

"Kobe was quick and to the point, [he said], 'Go back in there and show them what you can do. Do what you can control,'" Kobe acted out his advice in Games One and Two of the NBA Finals, willing the Lakers to wins each time.

Celebrity advice aside, Chad knows that if he wants to continue to be a celebrity, he needs his fans back.

"The city's been good to me and I've been good for the city," says Ochocinco, who has caught 53 career touchdown passes. "I'm entitled to make a mistake. I'm ready to rebound."

2009 Bengals Schedule Part II: Cincinnati-Green Bay Top Five Games Ever

John Breech — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 21:09:31 -0400

Let's face it Bengals fans, football news is scarce at the moment. Unless of course you call Chad Ochocinco skipping organized team activities and going to the NBA Finals news.

Since everyone is clamoring for something new and interesting, I've decided to take a historical look at the Bengals 2009 schedule. This means I'll be highlighting Cincinnati's top five games ever against each weekly opponent.

Week 1: Bengals vs. Broncos

Part two of the series means Week Two on the Bengals 2009 schedule. Bengals and Packers fans, grab a cup of coffee and get ready to relive the birth of Brett Favre, not his real birth of course, but his metaphorical football birth.

So, without further ado, let's take a closer look at the all-time Cincinnati-Green Bay series.

Fun Fact: Most Packers fans know this, but Bengals fans might not. From 1953-1994, the Packers played up to three home games per year in Milwaukee. The Bengals are 2-0 in trips to Milwaukee.

All-time series: Tied 5-5

Let's start the countdown.

5. Oct. 3, 1971, at Green Bay

The very first game in the Bengals-Packers series was a good one. Dan Devine, in his first season as Packers head coach, watched his team jump out to a 10-0 lead.

However, the Bengals jumped right back into the game thanks to a 65-yard interception return for a touchdown by defensive back Lemar Parrish.

At halftime, Bengals coach Paul Brown decided that starting quarterback Virgil Carter was not getting the job done, so he replaced him with rookie Kenny Anderson.

Anderson would throw the first touchdown pass of his storied career in the fourth quarter to wide receiver Eric Crabtree, but it wouldn't be enough.

Devine would spend four years with the Packers before leaving to take the head coaching spot at Notre Dame.

Result: Green Bay 20, Cincinnati 17

4. Oct. 5, 1986, at Milwaukee

This game had then Packers coach Forrest Gregg emotionally torn. The 1986 meeting marked the first time that Gregg had faced off against the Bengals since leaving the organization after the 1983 season to take the Packers job.

When Gregg left Cincinnati, he was only two seasons removed from guiding the Bengals to Super Bowl XVI.

The Packers came into the game 0-4 (many think the 1986 team was one of the worst in Packers history) and really shouldn't have been any sort of match for the high-flying Bengals. At the beginning of the game, they weren't.

Behind three touchdown passes from Boomer Esiason, two of which went to Cris Collinsworth, the Bengals jumped out to a 34-14 lead.

The Packers would score two late touchdowns, but they wouldn't be able to get the big win for the always emotional Gregg.

Result: Cincinnati 34, Green Bay 28

3. Oct. 5, 1980, at Green Bay

Once again, Forrest Gregg is the story. However, this time, it's because he's the Bengals coach.

The 1980 game represented the first time Gregg, who was a legendary lineman for the Packers in the 1960's, returned to Green Bay as a coach to face the team he once played for (Gregg coached the Browns from 1975-77, but never faced the Packers).

Once again, Gregg's team didn't come out on top. Kenny Anderson threw two interceptions. Bengals Hall-of-Fame left tackle Anthony Munoz caught his first career pass but got dropped for a six-yard loss.

And to make things worse, Munoz didn't even have the worst stat line among receivers. Fullback Nathan Poole took that honor as he managed one catch for negative seven yards.

Kicker Ian Sunter would score all of Cincinnati's points, but the difference in the game proved to be Packer quarterback Lynn Dickey, who threw two touchdown passes, one of which went to James Lofton.

Result: Green Bay 14, Cincinnati 9

2. Oct. 20, 2005, at Cincinnati

No self-loving Packers or Bengals fan will forget this game any time soon. Brett Favre threw five interceptions, got stripped by a Bengals fan, and still almost willed his team to a win.

Favre's five-pick performance wasn't completely out of character considering he was in the middle of one of his worst seasons as a pro.

Not to mention the Bengals had picked off both Daunte Culpepper (Vikings) and Kyle Orton (Bears) five times earlier in the season (the Bengals were the first team since the 1970 Chiefs to have five interceptions in three different games).

The biggest shocker of the game came with under two minutes left in the fourth quarter. As the Packers were driving to tie the game, Bengals fan Greg Gall ran out of the stands and onto the field. He didn't stop there though, Gall ran right up to Favre and took the ball out of the right hand of the startled superstar.

Thanks to the smart-thinking fan, the Bengals defense caught a breather and kept Favre and his offensive friends out of the end zone.

Carson Palmer's three touchdown passes would end up being just enough for the win.

Result: Cincinnati 21, Green Bay 14

1. Sept. 20, 1992, at Green Bay

Where did the legend of Brett Favre begin? It all started on a sunny September day in 1992 against the 2-0 Cincinnati Bengals.

Packers fans, this game is the genesis of the Brett Favre bible, the first step in his soon to be Hall-of-Fame career.

This game was also a crossroads for both franchises. The Bengals came into the Week Three game undefeated, while the Packers were 0-2.

As the game headed into the fourth quarter, 33-year-old rookie Bengals coach Dave Shula looked like a boy genius. He was only minutes away from starting his coaching career 3-0.

On the other sideline was Packers first-year head coach Mike Holmgren. The Packers had gone 4-12 the year before Holmgren's arrival and an 0-3 start just might have been enough to put him on the hot seat.

Fast forward to the fourth quarter.

Bengals kicker Jim Breech nails a 41-yard field goal with 1:11 showing on the clock, his second one of the fourth quarter, and it puts his team up 23-17.

The kick is huge for one reason; if he had missed, the Bengals would have been up 20-17 and a rookie head coach (Holmgren) desperate for his first win would have surely played for a tie.

As it is though, the Packers know they need a touchdown or the games over.

Favre is in an impossible situation; with 1:07 left, he's on his own eight-yard line with no timeouts knowing he needs a touchdown to win.

Right off the bat, Favre hits Sterling Sharpe for a 42-yard gain that has the cheeseheads at Lambeau going crazy. However, Sharpe would injure himself on the play and have to leave the game.

Undeterred, the Packers run two more plays that advance them to the Bengals 35-yard line. From there...

Favre splits the Bengals corner and safety with a 35-yard laser down the right sideline. Kitrick Taylor catches the ball in full stride at the two-yard line and walks into the end zone. Chris Jacke completed the improbable comeback with the PAT.

Even more improbable, Taylor would only catch two passes on the season, one of which was the aforementioned touchdown.

As for Bengals fans, it was a nightmare relived as it wasn't the first time a quarterback finished a 92-yard game-winning drive with a touchdown pass to somebody named Taylor (see Super Bowl XXIII).

Result: Green Bay 24, Cincinnati 23

2009 Bengals Schedule Part I: Cincinnati-Denver Top Five Games Ever

John Breech — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 16:08:05 -0400

Lets face it: Cincinnati Bengals news is scarce at the moment. With the latest round of organized team activities wrapping up, there's not much to write or read about unless you want to hear for the 15th time how Chris Henry and sixth-round pick Bernard Scott have turned their lives around.

For instance, since the Bengals play their season opener against Denver, I'll discuss the top five most exciting meetings between the two teams.

Part two of the series will do the same thing, except it will be the Bengals-Packers series, and so on.

So, without further ado, let's take a closer look at the all-time Cincinnati-Denver series.

Fun Fact: Most Bengals fans (and maybe Broncos fans too) are unaware that these two teams were actually division rivals in 1968 and '69.

During Cincinnati's first two season's in the league, they played in the AFL's West Division with Oakland, Kansas City, San Diego, and Denver.

All-time series: Broncos lead 16-8.

Let's start the countdown:

5. Sept. 2, 1984, at Denver

The 2009 season won't be the first time these two teams have met in the opener. In 1984, expectations were high for both squads.

The Broncos were coming off their first playoff appearance in three years, while the Bengals were in the midst of a run that saw them get to the playoffs in two of the previous three seasons.

In his first game as Bengals head coach, Sam Wyche watched his team lose on a fourth-quarter touchdown pass—only second-year Broncos quarterback John Elway didn't throw it.

Gary Kubiak, playing in one of only two games he started on the season, hit tight end Clarence Kay with an eight-yard strike that gave his team the lead late in the game.

The game was filled with errors. Broncos kicker Rich Karlis missed his first extra point attempt on the day. Bengals kicker Jim Breech uncharacteristically missed two field goals, and Bengals quarterback Ken Anderson threw a pick that set up Denver's second touchdown.

The Bengals would finish the 1984 season at 8-8 and one game out of the playoffs, while the Broncos would take the AFC West with a 13-3 record.

Result: Denver 20, Cincinnati 17

4. Oct. 25, 2004, at Cincinnati

This game was big for one reason and one reason only: the return of Monday Night Football to Cincinnati. After a 15-year absence (MNF's last visit to Cincinnati had been on Sept. 25, 1989) the Bengals returned with a vengeance.

Cincinnati was 1-4 going into the game, and ABC may have regretted bringing prime-time football back to the Queen City.

However, a 50-yard touchdown pass from Carson Palmer to Chad Johnson resulted in the first score of the game, and the Bengals proved their worth under the bright lights.

Result: Cincinnati 23, Denver 10

3. Sept. 15, 1968, at Cincinnati

This game could arguably be No. 1, considering its historical significance for the Bengals franchise. The 24-10 win over Denver represented both the Bengals' first home game ever and the first win in team history.

Bengals quarterback John Stofa threw for 224 yards and two touchdowns on the day. Stofa's TD passes were both long bombs. The first one was a 58-yarder to Bengals great Bob Trumpy, the second one a 54-yard beauty to Warren McVea.

Stofa only started seven games in his Bengals career, with this win over Denver undoubtedly being the highlight. McVea would end his lone season in Cincinnati with a mere two touchdown catches.

Result: Cincinnati 24, Denver 10

2. Dec. 24, 2006, at Denver

The very thought of this game makes most Bengals fans squirm. After Denver took a 24-17 lead late in the game on a Jason Elam field goal, it was up to Carson Palmer and the Bengals offense to prove that they were clutch as well as fun to watch.

Palmer did his part, running a perfect two-minute drill in the fourth quarter. He then capped the remarkable drive with a 10-yard touchdown pass to T.J. Houshmandzadeh, which tied the game at 24...

Hold on—no it didn't. The Bengals still had to make the extra point. After a low Brad St. Louis snap was bobbled by Kyle Larson in the cold Denver snow, kicker Shayne Graham never got a chance to put his right foot on the ball.

Overtime averted, Broncos win, and Bengals fans spend Christmas Eve cursing Santa Claus.

Result: Denver 24, Cincinnati 23

1. Oct. 22, 2000, at Cincinnati

On paper, this game had all the makings of a blowout. The lowly Bengals came into the game 0-6, having already been shut out twice in the season's first six weeks.

Denver, on the other hand, came into the game 4-3 and on its way to claiming an AFC Wildcard at 11-5. The wildcard slot would have been a division title if the Broncos had won this game.

However, with the Broncos' defensive front seven seemingly on a mental vacation, Bengals running back Corey Dillon exploded for a then-NFL record 278 rushing yards.

As the Bengals averaged a dismal 6.2 points in their first six games, nobody in the world could have seen this coming. Dillon scored on runs of 65 and 41 yards while averaging an unimaginable 12.6 yards per carry.

To put into perspective how bad this Bengals team was, this would be the first and only time all season Cincinnati scored more than 30 points. The offense would finish the season ranked 30th (out of 31) in the NFL.

Result: Cincinnati 31, Denver 21

If you have any other nominations, please leave them in the comments section.

Former Bengal Says Ochocinco Is Numero Uno in the Distraction Department

John Breech — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 15:49:11 -0400

It's probably safe to say that most Cincinnati fans have never been to KCChiefs.com, but now that Eric Ghiaciuc is in Kansas City, Bengals fans may want to start bookmarking the page.

The site published some interesting quotes Monday from the former lineman, who was asked about Chad Ochocinco.

Here's the exact quote from the site: "As much as you try to focus on football with your day-to-day routine of meetings, lifting, walk-throughs, practices, games, you can focus, but it's still there," Ghiaciuc said of the distractions.

"It's like when you turn your head, it's still behind you. I think we were doing our best to focus on what needed to be focused on in our profession, but it was there and it was a bit of a problem."

Most Bengals fans will simply shrug this off as sour grapes. Ghiaciuc, who spent four-years in Cincinnati before signing with Kansas City this offseason, doesn't have a big following in the Queen City after he anchored a porous Bengals offensive line that surrendered 51 sacks last season.

If Ochocinco were so inclined, he could simply point out that the Bengals best season during Ghiaciuc's tenure was 2005 when the then-rookie only started one game.

Ocho could also point out that the Bengals worst season during Ghiaciuc's stay with the team was 2008 when Ghiaciuc started 16 games for the first and only time in his career.

It Ghiaciuc plays anything like he did last season, new Chiefs quarterback Matt Cassel may just want to go ahead and put himself on the disabled list.

All NBA Refs Fired After Kobe-LeBron Finals Doesn't Materialize

John Breech — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 17:12:48 -0400

(Fake News)

David Stern wasn't kidding. Three days after the Orlando Magic eliminated the Cleveland Cavaliers in the Eastern Conference Finals, the NBA commissioner has reacted by firing all 65 referees currently under contract with the league.

In a terse statement released by the NBA at 12:32 p.m. today, Stern was unapologetic about chopping 65 jobs during a recession: "Most people already know that the NBA is more fixed than professional wrestling," the statement began.

"Myself and Joe Borgia [league head of officiating] had a lengthy discussion with each official at the beginning of the season. We told them that they could interpret the rulebook however they wanted this year...with one catch; Kobe and LeBron had to make it to the Finals."

Many have theorized that NBA games are fixed, but Stern shook that off, saying only some games are fixed and that the NBA has never fixed a Clippers game. "If you have ever bet real, actual American money on the Clippers, then you probably shouldn't be gambling in the first place."

Stern also explained why game officials were rarely punished this year.

"Yes, our referees showed a blatant disregard for the rules this season, but we were willing to look the other way because Kobe and LeBron were on track to meet in the Finals."

At that point, Stern began to tear up as he continued the statement, "According to our research, a Kobe-LeBron finals would have reaped benefits for every man, woman, and child alive."

"The two of those superstars in a seven-game series would have erased the national debt, ended California's economic problems, and brought in over $86 billion in merchandise sales. Thanks to our selfish officials, who decided to grow a conscience for this one series [the Eastern Conference Finals], none of this will happen."

Stern finished the statement with more shocking news, "We now have a standing invitation to any and all current or former WWE officials. They will have first dibs on these 65 spots. If we are unable to fill our roster in this manner, we will rehire Tim Donaghy and anyone he vouches for. Thank you for your time and I won't be answering any questions."

Dear Bleacher Report Editors: This Is How You Spell Cincinnati

John Breech — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 13:17:10 -0400

Alright, this had to be done.

On May 31, just before 1 p.m., I published an article on Bleacher Report entitled "Palmer Knows Ochocinco Would Be Asset to 2009 Bengals."

After putting the article online, I finished my daily to-do list, which included: washing my bicycle, eating Lucky Charms, and shaving my cat.

Eight hours later, I made my way back to B/R and found a ghastly error, the headline on my article had been changed to, "Palmer Knows Ochocinco Would Be Asset to CINCINATTI Bengals in '09."

Now, usually, I probably wouldn't have cared, but this is the third time an editor has managed to spell CINCINNATI wrong in a month, THREE TIMES, and that's just on MY articles. Here are links to at least two more cases where it's been butchered:

The Greatest Cincinatti Bengals Team Ever: 1988(On this link, the writer obviously knows how to spell CINCINNATI, as he uses it correctly on several occasions in his article, plus, I read it before the headline was changed to the incorrect spelling)

Bengals-Browns: Cincinatti Feigns the Death of Cleveland, 14-0

Now I'm not going to call anyone out, but I do want to make sure that everyone on this site knows how to spell CINCINNATI.

I work in sports journalism, and I can unequivocally say that the most embarrassing thing that can happen to a writer is a misspelled headline.

In the real world, writer's usually don't pick their headlines, they just turn in a story and expect the editors to come with something clever.

When a word in the headline is misspelled, it kills the piece's credibility before the reader has even read one word. If that word is something that is embarrassingly wrong, like CINCINNATI, people may not even bother to read the article.

With B/R being syndicated on well-read websites like foxsports.com and CBSsports.com, it's important that these mistakes are avoided at all costs or B/R will lose credibility, which directly effects every writer on the site.

I know the Bengals have never won a Super Bowl, I know it's been over a decade since the Reds were good, I know the Bearcat basketball program has fallen off the radar, and I know people are moving out of the city like it's ground zero for swine flu, but let's please make sure that we're spelling CINCINNATI correctly.

Thanks everyone,

Remember

Incorrect: CINCINATTI, CINCINATI, CINCINNATTI, CINNCINATI, CINNCINNATI

Correct: CINCINNATI

Oh and don't get me started on Houshmandzadeh. That man is a walking spelling mistake, I hope every journalist in Seattle has fun with that. He single-handedly gave me Carpal tunnel syndrome.

(In the photo above, the young girl is angry because someone on B/R misspelled Cincinnati, not because the Bengals have been terrible for 17 of the last 18 seasons)

Palmer Knows Ochocinco Would be Asset to 2009 Cincinnati Bengals

John Breech — Sun, 31 May 2009 12:56:11 -0400

In case you don't listen to the Petros and Money show on Fox Sports radio (and it's very possible you don't since their show just made its way to Cincinnati on April 29), Carson Palmer made a revelation to the Southern California-based duo on May 28: The Bengals would love to have Ochocinco in camp.

For the first time all off-season, Palmer said something positive about his much maligned wide receiver. "He's a damn good receiver," Palmer said on the show Thursday. "That's obvious, everybody knows that."

However, Palmer did admit, that he, like everybody else, is clueless as to when Ochocinco will start taking part in team activities, "When he shows up, he'll show up and hopefully he's in great shape and he's ready to play."

Palmer also elucidated on comments that he made earlier this off-season to Sirius Radio that maybe the Bengals don't need Ochocinco. "I never once said anything about not wanting him and not needing him," the former Pro Bowl MVP said.

"He's a Pro Bowl reciever. He's put up a ton of yards. He's extremely dangerous to cover."

Palmer finished by telling the large radio audience that, "We would love him when he comes here, but he's not here right now."

Whether or not you're an Ochocinco fan, this is good news. Palmer coming out on a national radio show and fawning over Chad's skills just may be what the star WR needed to hear to feel wanted.

However, as has been the case all off-season, Chad has remained silent. There is still no word on whether or not he will join the team for any remaining OTA's or even if he'll show up for the team's mandatory mini-camp on June 18.

The next chance to look for Chad will be June 2-4 when the Bengals are back on the field for another round of OTA's.

Offensive Line Proves To Be Biggest Question As Cincinnati Bengals Head to 2009

John Breech — Thu, 28 May 2009 13:39:02 -0400

If there’s one word that seems to describe the Cincinnati Bengals' offseason, it’s ‘improvement.’ Most agree that the signings of Roy Williams and Laveranues Coles provided the team with an ‘improvement’ at their respective positions.

Fans and pundits alike seemed to think that the Bengals' stellar draft choices will go a long way towards an overall team ‘improvement.’

However, the optimal word to describe the Bengals offensive line seems to be ‘confusion.’

After letting their two terrible tackles from last season, LT Levi Jones and RT Stacy Andrews, plus Center Eric Ghiaciuc, walk away, it appeared the Bengals had a gameplan in place toward improving the offensive line. But do they?

Let’s take a look at what the offseason has meant for the Bengals front five.

TACKLE

When Andre Smith was drafted sixth overall in April, most expected him to be the rock protecting Carson Palmer’s blindside for years to come. That is until Marvin Lewis shocked everyone this month when he announced that last year’s left guard, Andrew Whitworth would be filling the left tackle position.

While putting Whitworth there doesn’t necessarily make sense, not having Andre Smith there is a brilliant decision for two reasons.

First, Smith’s work ethic has been called into question. After a year where Palmer and Ryan Fitzpatrick were more or less left for dead every time the Bengals snapped the ball, the last thing the team needs is a question mark at left tackle.

Secondly, combine his work ethic with the fact that he might be involved in a contract holdout until next century and it all makes sense.

Smith, who might not be in camp and therefore wouldn’t be getting essential reps, can’t be trusted at the team’s most important position. For Smith, right tackle makes sense… for now. If Smith holds up this year, moving him to left tackle down the road is something the team will have to consider.

Whitworth at left tackle is the real shocker. Last season, the Bengals had a left tackle in Anthony Collins who held his own against some good teams. Collins, who is going into his second season, started six games at LT last year.

Why not use Collins experience at left tackle and let Whitworth play the left guard position he’s best at? Beats me, even more perplexing is that as of right now, barring injury, it looks like the talented Collins will be starting the season on the bench.

Bengals Say: LT Andrew Whitworth RT Andre Smith
Breech Says: LT Anthony Collins RT Andre Smith

Guard

Whitworth’s move to tackle has left a glaring vacancy at his old left guard position. The Bengals have decided to fill that spot with Nate Livings.

Although Whitworth at left guard makes more sense, Livings is a decent alternative. He started six games at the position last season and he seemed to get better with each snap. If he continues to improve at that pace, Palmer may forget what it’s like to run away from defensive tackles.

At right guard, there’s no controversy. I know what you’re saying, "If only every positional battle was this black and white for the Bengals.”

Right guard Bobbie Williams is the only sure thing on the team’s offensive line. Not only is he good at what he does, but Williams has a history of staying healthy, something that’s essential when a young line is trying to build camaraderie.

Williams, who is going into his sixth year with the team and tenth overall, has started 77 of the Bengals past 80 games, he has proven to be durability at its best.

Bengals Say: LG Nate Livings RG Bobbie Williams
Breech Says: LG Andrew Whitworth RG Bobbie Williams

Center

This may be the biggest question mark on the team, but I think all Bengal fans can agree that Eric Ghiaciuc wasn’t the answer. When you absolutely have no idea who to play at a certain position, you just have to pick someone and tell them, “It’s your spot to lose.”

This is basically what Lewis and Bengals offensive coordinator Bob Bratkowski have told current depth chart number one Kyle Cook. Cook will be pushed in camp by April draftee Jonathan Luigs and also Dan Santucci. Santucci was a guard at Notre Dame, so he’ll spend the summer learning the intricacies of snapping the ball.

Bengals Say: Kyle Cook
Breech Says: Kyle Cook

Overall

Even if I don’t agree with the Bengals choices at each position, I do agree with one thing; the fact that they named the starters in May.

When Jon Kitna was announced as the Bengals starting quarterback in March 2003, people were shocked, most fans were clamoring for Palmer. However, Kitna took a team that went 2-14 the year before and willed them to 8-8.

When Palmer was named the starter the following March, some fans thought Lewis was crazy for taking out Kitna who had just engineered a six-game turnaround.

History has shown that when Marvin Lewis has a big decision to make and he makes it early, things work out for the Bengals. Bengals fans can only hope that history proves Lewis right again.

Bratkowski's Playcalling Puts Bengals Marvin Lewis on the Hot Seat in'09

John Breech — Wed, 27 May 2009 23:50:47 -0400

Following the 2006 NFL season, Marty Schottenheimer was fired after going 14-2. Sure, Chargers General Manager AJ Smith hated him and that ended up playing a big reason in the release, but the bottom line is that in a bottom line league, Schottenheimer did the impossible; he won 14 games and got fired.

Marvin Lewis on the other hand has won 19 games, in three seasons that is.

In the last three years, Marvin Lewis has slowly regressed, going 8-8, 7-9 and 4-11-1. Regression is acceptable for a season or two when a new coach is trying to adjust to new players or install a new system.

However, it’s not acceptable for a head coach going into his seventh season with the same team or an offensive coordinator going into his ninth season with the same team.

Five teams in the league last year had a worse winning percentage than the Bengals (Chiefs, Rams, Browns, Seahawks, Lions). Each one of those teams will open up 2009 with a new head coach on their sideline.

Four of the five teams had owners that were so unhappy with their team’s performance that they released their head coach AND both coordinators.

Even more incredibly, six teams with better records then the Bengals had last year will welcome coaches who will be in their first full year with their respective team (Bucs, Broncos, Jets, Raiders, 49ers, Colts).

So that begs the question, why and how do Lewis and Bratkowski still have jobs?

Bratkowski’s inability to adapt or change his game plan over the past four years has meant nothing but nightmares for the Bengals offense.

After the air show that was 2005, Bratkowski became complacent with his success and did little to change the playbook. Although the team's offensive statistics weren’t terrible in ‘06 or ’07, the numbers did go down each season.

The Bengals offense, innovative when Bratkowski introduced a Carson Palmer version of it in 2004, saw defenses catch up to it over the last three seasons. The Steelers for instance, have held the Bengals to 11 ppg over the two team's last four meetings.

After the 2007 season, fans and local media complained about the team’s lack of success; the Bengals had regressed in every facet of the game from offense to defense to special teams. Even then though, only one coach was given a pink slip, defensive coordinator Chuck Bresnahan.

To an outside observer, the firing of Bresnahan made it seem that the team’s defensive failures were the cause of the Bengals woes. That was a legitimate excuse until 2008 happened.

New defensive coordinator Mike Zimmer took a group with a reputation for disappointment and molded them into a top 15 unit. With such a stout defense, the Bengals must have been successful in 2008, right?

Wrong. Bratkowski defenders love to blame the Bengals lack of offensive success in 2008 on Palmer’s elbow injury. That’s the easy way out though.

Backup quarterbacks aren’t paid seven figures to look pretty. There’s no reason Ryan Fitzpatrick should have been able to run the Bengals offense into the ground, he is a quarterback with NFL talent after all.

The blame for the number 32 offensive ranking has to be set squarely on Bratkowski’s shoulders. Most of the playbook was designed with Palmer’s arm strength in mind; Bratkowski never put together a contingency plan in case of a Palmer injury. A mistake of this proportion should have cost him his job.

You only have to look at the New England Patriots to understand the magnitude of Bratkowski’s blunder. The Patriots found themselves in the same exact situation as the Bengals in 2008, no starting quarterback.

However, Bill Belichick and New England offensive coordinator at the time Josh McDaniels had a backup plan; they designed their playbook so that it could be piloted by anyone who knew the controls, not just Tom Brady.

McDaniels and Belichick held Matt Cassel’s hand until Cassel was comfortable running the offense. By midseason, Cassel was a well-oiled machine on his way to leading the Patriots to an 11-5 finish. By midseason in Cincinnati, Bengal fans had all but given up hope and the team was sputtering to a 4-11-1 finish.

In the NFL, injuries are an unfortunate part of the game. If the Bengals were really a contender last year, one injury shouldn’t have ruined the season. It didn’t for the Patriots.

For whatever reason, the Bengals-Patriots parallel never really made its way into the national consciousness. However, NFL insiders are always privy to this kind of information; that’s why Josh McDaniels is a head coach right now and Bratkowski isn’t.

Speaking of head coaches, ultimately, it’s Marvin Lewis’ job to make sure his house (in this case the Bengals organization) is in order. Lewis rarely admits when there's trouble. He’s evasive with local media and every week last season, he left the fans wondering about the status of their star QB. That’s his prerogative though as long as the team produces a winner.

When the team’s not producing, someone needs to shoulder the blame. But that rarely happens because there is only minimal accountability within the organization.

Team owner Mike Brown rarely grants public interviews, so it’s almost impossible to know his feelings about the direction of the Bengals organization as a whole. Although it’s probably safe to say, he wasn’t happy with four wins last year.

If Brown’s long term goals include Super Bowl wins, then he can’t let coaches who go three straight seasons without a winning record stay on board as he’s done with Lewis, Bruce Coslet and Dave Shula.

It took the worst record in team history to get Dick LeBeau fired after his third season. And the LeBeau firing is actually ironic considering he drafted the offensive nucleus of Lewis’ 2005 playoff team (Chad Ochocinco, Rudi Johnson, TJ Houshmanzadeh, Levi Jones, Matt Schobel).

With the Bengals there are always more questions than answers, the two main ones heading into 2009 have to be: Can Bratkowski’s offense, with the return of Palmer, turn it around? And if they can’t how long will Marvin Lewis last?

Mass Suicide Avoided in Cleveland Thanks to LeBron's 3-Point Prayer

John Breech — Sat, 23 May 2009 05:21:01 -0400

(Fake News)

CLEVELAND: LeBron James' miraculous game-winning basket Friday night not only won the Cavaliers game two of the Eastern Conference Finals, but it looks like the shot also saved the lives of over 1 million Clevelanders.

"I don't care what anybody tells you, a mass suicide was going to happen," says Joe Fagerton, who was leaving the only downtown bar in the city that stays open past 6:30 p.m. "After we lost the Browns to Baltimore in 1995, everyone in the city agreed that if we got [pooped] on again, we were going to kill ourselves."

According to Fagerton, Mayor Frank Jackson requires every citizen in the city to carry around a cyanide pill. Jackson, who says he refers to Cleveland as 'Jonestown' sometimes, didn't deny Fagerton's accusation.

"First of all, we live in Cleveland, which is bad enough, then you throw in the whole Elway 'Drive' thing, the Jordan shot in 1989 that knocked the Cavs out of the playoffs, the 1995 and 1997 World Series where we lose to the Braves and Marlins. I mean the Braves, are you kidding, they lost like 20 World Series in the 90's and the only one they win is against us.

"Then the Marlins, what the [expletive removed], they had been a team for like three months when they beat us, and now they've won more championships then every pro sports team in the city combined."

Jackson continued further, "Then Art Modell moves our beloved Browns, which you can't really blame him for because living here is like living in a cat's litter box that hasn't been cleaned in four years. But still, he moved the team.

"LeBron James is all we have going for us...Well that and we might win the 'who's been the butt of the most jokes since 1985' contest against Michael Jackson."

The Mayor later explained that for some Clevelanders, the losses are taking their toll.

"After the game one loss [to the Magic], some people just couldn't take it anymore, so they took their pill," laments the Mayor. "And I can't blame them, I mean if I had a choice between living in Cleveland or being dead, lets just say I wouldn't be living in Cleveland."

The Mayor said that thanks to LeBron's shot, the city's collective suicide is now on hold...unless the Cavs lose the series that is.

"It's definitely possible that they lose, I mean we're prepared for that. What most people don't understand is how serious we are," the Mayor says. "But we proved our point back in 97, a small group of Clevelanders out in San Diego said that if the Indians lost to the Marlins in the World Series, they would end their lives and they did exactly that..."

Bengals Offensive Coordinator Bob Bratkowski Burns Team's 2008 Playbook

John Breech — Mon, 18 May 2009 03:29:05 -0400

For the past six months I’ve been torturing everyone I know by asking them the same three questions every day; how do Matthew McConaughey movies always make money, why is Keeping Up With the Kardashians still on television, and who decided it was a good idea to keep Bengals offensive coordinator Bob Bratkowski?

McConaughey hit his peak in 1993 with Dazed and Confused, Keeping Up With the Kardashians is the lowest form of entertainment that television has ever produced (this includes all reality shows, Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper and anything that ever starred David Hasselhoff) and finally, but most importantly, there is first grade reading material that is more complicated than the Bengals' playbook. But it hasn't always been that way.

In 2003, Bratkowski’s first season with the team, the Bengals had the 13^th best scoring offense in the league. Considering Jon Kitna was the Bengals' quarterback, this showing was a minor miracle.

In 2004, with Carson Palmer starting for the first time, Bratkowski was able to open up the playbook and start looking downfield, something he couldn’t do with Kitna, who had the arm strength of a fourth-string high school sophomore. All of a sudden, the Bengals' scoring offense was a top 10 unit at No. 10.

In 2005, the Bengals' offense hit the NFL like a category five hurricane. Bratkowski threw out a variety of offensive sets that kept every defense on their toes.

If the Bengals weren’t running a three-receiver set, then they were going double tights, if they weren’t doing that, then they were in an I-formation. Out of the I, they could use two tights or go with two receivers.

The Bengals' offense was like a 12 colored rubik's cube that no defensive coordinator could figure out.

The 2005 unit finished fourth in the league in scoring and the Bengals made the playoffs for the first time in 15 years.

Alright, now that I’ve served up the appetizer for you, let’s get to the meat of this piece. In 2006, the Bengals dropped to eighth in scoring offense, in 2007, they dropped to 11^th, and last year they dropped to dead last. Ron Jeremy scored more often than the Bengals did last year.

In 2008, with Ryan Fitzpatrick, the Bengals' playbook was more or less limited to the first two pages. Because of his arm strength, the Bengals couldn’t go deep and as defenses knew that, they stuffed the run.

The point here is this; between personnel and playcalling, it’s time for Bratkowski to make some big changes. And believe it or not, he might be doing it. The Bengals' offseason exit list reads like a who’s who of incredibly bad offensive players.

Gone are Levi Jones, Chris Perry, and Fitzpatrick. The Bengals needed those guys as much as my cat needs feline AIDS. Perry fumbled more often than Fitzpatrick threw incomplete passes and I’m only slightly exaggerating.

So where are the biggest changes in the Bengals' playbook going to be? The popular answer is that the play-action pass is going to make its triumphant return to Cincinnati (as most Bengals remember, "Boomer" Esiason perfected the play-action in the late 1980’s). Bratkowski is on record saying that the Bengals must re-establish the running game.

This means Cedric Benson has to have a career year and that shouldn’t be difficult since the 747 yards he gained in 12 games last season was his career year.

With the addition of fullback Brian Leonard, the Bengals' I-formation plays should actually go for positive yardage this season, unlike last year when every running play (and most plays in general) seemed to go for around negative two yards.

If Benson—running veers, traps, and iso’s—can get opposing defenses to commit to the run, then the Bengals can unveil the fun and gun passing game that every fan has clamored for since 2005.

If chicks dig the long ball, then every Bengals player should have a hot girlfriend by the end of 2009. With Chris Henry, Chad Ochocinco, and Laveranues Coles, the Bengals will be able to run the three receiver sets that Bratkowski loves.

Coles will run the 7-10 yard slant, button, and hook routes that TJ Houshmandzadeh made famous, Chad will do whatever he wants (as usual), and Henry will go long.

Most teams zone up on the Bengals in Cover 2 which generally means no going deep. Think about it, how many plays over 50 yards did the Bengals have last year? You can count the answer on your fist.

With two healthy tight ends (Reggie Kelly, Ben Utecht) to keep opposing safeties and linebackers honest, someone in the Bengals' passing game is going to have a big year, my guess is his name is Carson Palmer.

Even better, the Bengals can sporadically run four and five receiver sets, formations that have given the Steelers' D trouble for the last five years. Jerome Simpson and Andre Caldwell will make this possible.

The return of Palmer opens a Pandora’s Box for opposing defenses. Kind of like Chad, Henry, and Coles, the Bengals playbook will be wide open in 2009.

Oh and there's one big difference between 2005 and 2009; the Bengals are going to have a defense that actually defends people this year. That should help the offense too.

Kickers Have Feelings Too: 24 Questions for the Bengals Shayne Graham

John Breech — Tue, 12 May 2009 00:24:19 -0400

If given the chance to interview any Bengals player, most people would do a naked Ickey shuffle to talk to Carson Palmer or Ocho Cinco.

However, over the last four seasons, there’s only one player on the team that’s gotten better as the Bengals have gotten worse, and that’s the man I would spend 20 minutes with: the red-headed-righty, Mr. Shayne Graham.

JB: Shayne let’s start this off on a light note. I think it goes without saying that your success is a victory for red-headed people everywhere. As a kicker and a red head, I have to know, how much did your teammates tease you during your high school and college careers?

JB: If just so happens that your two worst seasons in the NFL were your first two (with the Bills and Panthers), is there an acclimation period for kickers at the pro level? During those first two years, were you attempting field goals thinking you might lose your job if you missed? What kind of toll does that thinking take on a young kicker’s confidence?

JB: As any NFL player knows, a job is a job. Now that being said, what went through your head when you signed with the Bengals back in 2003, a team that at the time was mired in 12 years of losing?

JB: After the 2004 season, the Bengals offered you $628,000, the lowest they could legally offer a restricted free agent, what did you think about the offer? Were you insulted? How surprised were you when the team matched Jacksonville’s five-year, $6.5 million deal? Thanks to the Jags, you signed for $3 million in guaranteed money that year, do you find yourself sending them Christmas cards now?

JB: In the final regular season game of 2006 you missed a 39-yard field goal against the Steelers in the waning seconds of regulation that would have put the Bengals in the playoffs. A lot of Cincinnati fans hold that against you, they say that you hit all of your kicks except for the clutch ones. You’re the most accurate kicker in NFL history, is it fair that they’re doing that? How would you answer that criticism?

JB: You’ve also hit several game-winners, how do you cope with the pressure of attempting a game-winning field goal and does it bother you knowing that you play the only position in football where you can win or lose a game in one play?

JB: You’ve made no secret of the fact that you want a long-term contract, what’s it going to take to get one from the Bengals, and is that a sticking point that could cause you to leave Cincinnati sometime in the future?

JB: Off the field, you do relentless work for charity. What’s driven you to do this and how important is it to you personally to give back to the community?

JB: One of the charities you work for is "Kicks for Kids," as a board member there you’ve forged close relationships with former Bengals kickers Doug Pelfrey and Jim Breech. Do you find it odd that you’re tight with your predecessors? Do you know of any other kickers in the league who are close to the guys that came before them? Do you ever ask for or receive advice from these guys (Graham just passed Pelfrey for second on the Bengals all-time scoring list while he is less than 500 points behind Breech)?

JB: You spent four years at Virginia Tech, what was your reaction to the April 2007 shootings? How close to home did it hit for you?

JB: Alright, let’s end this thing with a lighting round: the Bengals have three jersey colors, what’s your favorite one? Why are you number 17? How often does your family make it to games? What’s your least favorite stadium to kick in? Who’s your best friend in the NFL? What’s something non-football related that most people don’t know about you?

Writer's Note: Although I love writing things with a humorous slant, I fought the off urge to put Shayne Graham's imaginary answers in here. Also, if this interview actually took place, it is a 100 percent certainty that I would ask a question about Ray Finkle and/or the Garbage Picking, Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon.

Bengals' Best Shot at Playoffs: Move to AFC West (AFC North Preview)

John Breech — Mon, 11 May 2009 03:07:05 -0400

Here’s the cold hard truth football fans; the AFC North is the toughest division in football. If you need to, grab a glass of water and take a second to swallow that last statement.

After last year’s AFC Championship game was over, I had to ice both my knees, down a bottle of Advil, and get a kidney removed… and I only watched the game. Who knows how Ray Lewis or Ben Roethlisberger felt afterwards.

Year in and year out, the North lays the proverbial smack down on the rest of the NFL. Just think about it.

The Steelers defense has more hits than Pete Rose. Ray Lewis has been killing people (both on and off the field) for the better part of a decade. The Bengals' offense has been virtually unstoppable (at least when Ryan Fitzpatrick isn’t running it) and the Browns, well they’re like a cute three-legged puppy that you kind of hope someone will put to sleep.

As hard as it is to believe, there’s actually been parity in the division over the last five years. As a matter of fact, three different teams have won it since 2005. That makes predictions almost impossible.

If I was writing about the AFC West, it would take me 23 words and two paragraphs. Chargers, Broncos, Chiefs, Raiders; there I’m already done.

For the last three years, the West has been the football equivalent of Enron. It’s getting to the point where the winning team should just get a DVD player and season three of MacGyver instead of a playoff berth.

That being said, let’s stop making fun of the West and start looking at the 2009 AFC North. I’ll list the team, their predicted record and the percentage chance that they make the playoffs.

Pittsburgh Steelers, (12-4), 88 Percent

Last year, the Steelers won the Super Bowl with the hardest schedule in football. This year they get to play the Lions. That’s like telling Chuck Liddell: “Hey Chuck, remember last year when we put you in a cage match with Anderson Silva and a 1,000 pound black bear and somehow you managed to pin both of them? Tough I know, well this year we’re thinking about having you wrestle Screech Powers and a house cat.”

Trust me, the Steelers are laughing at their schedule and that’s mainly because it only contains six games against playoff teams, four of which are at home.

Besides stealing WR Shaun McDonald from the Lions, this will virtually be the same Super Bowl winning cast of characters that you saw last season.

Cincinnati Bengals, (10-6), 61 percent

The Bengals offseason has been like a four-year-old’s birthday party. It’s as if they just sent out invitations to every free agent alive that said something like: “Ryan Fitzpatrick is no longer our quarterback, please come play for us.”

Apparently this ploy worked because Tank Johnson, J.T. O’Sullivan, Laveranues Coles, and Roy Williams all showed up bearing gifts.

Johnson brought the gift of being the baddest man alive. O’Sullivan isn’t exactly an upgrade at the backup quarterback position. If you don't believe me, consider this: the man lost his starting job in San Francisco to Shaun Hill, that's not exactly something you want on your resume.

Let me put O’Sullivan’s San Francisco situation in perspective; that would be like your boss coming into your office and saying: “Mike, we’re firing you and not only are we firing you, but we’re replacing you with a chipmunk. Mainly it’s because he’s cheaper, but some of the higher ups actually do think he does a better job.”

Anyway, Coles is here to replace Housh and Roy Williams is here to show the defensive vets how to make a horse collar tackle without being flagged for it.

This season has success written all over it. Anything less than eight wins means it’s time for Marvin Lewis to move on. Oh, and by the way, if Carson Palmer gets injured the Bengals playoff percentage falls to -3.1 percent.

Baltimore Ravens, (8-8), 50 percent

The problem with the Ravens is that every time a new season starts, they get one year older. Father time says this defense only has one or two more good years in them.

If you stay up late at night watching old episodes of M*A*S*H, then you know what Baltimore’s sideline was like last year.

Ed Reed, Fabian Washington, and Samari Rolle all spent time nursing injuries to some part of their body. You could also throw in CB Chris McAlister and LB Terrell Suggs.

Actually, now that I think about it, it would probably save some space if I just named defensive people who didn’t get injured last year.

Offensively, it doesn’t look any better for Baltimore. NFL quarterbacks tend to struggle in their sophomore seasons for one reason; opposing defensive coordinators adjust to them.

Joe Flacco should be the last person picked in every fantasy draft this year, he’s going to fail, trust me. He’ll be handing the ball off to Willis McGahee 40 times a game and when he does throw it, everyone in the front row should take cover. That’s right Ravens fans, you’re topping out at 8-8.

Cleveland Browns, (6-10), 31 percent

The only thing that you need to know about the Browns is... actually, nothing. They signed WR’s Mike Furrey and David Patten which would have been good moves if Brady Quinn didn’t hit his prime his junior year at Notre Dame.

The NFL obviously has some sick sadistic obsession with Cleveland because, really, there is no other way to explain their two prime-time games.

Let’s just put it this way; the Browns would be 3-13 material if the AFC North wasn’t matched up with the NFC North and AFC West.

Browns fans, I’ll save you the suspense of the 2009 season and go ahead and tell you who you’re going to beat this year; Lions, Packers, Chiefs, Raiders, Broncos, and the Ravens once. There, that was easy.

As the New England Patriots proved last year, double digit wins doesn’t always mean playoffs.

However, I implore Bengals fans to buy playoff ticket vouchers now, forget paying rent this month—I’ll be snatching up about 17 of those bad boys.

Ladies and Gentleman, you’re 2009 AFC North.

Cincinnati Bengals Bandwagon Filling Up Fast As 2009 Expectations Grow

John Breech — Sat, 09 May 2009 23:23:30 -0400

Alright everyone, it’s only May and I’m already concerned about the Cincinnati Bengals. Here’s the problem; everyone from Bill Cowher to my mom is picking the Bengals to surprise people this season.

And if I’ve learned one thing in the last 18 years of losing, it’s that if Bill Cowher and my mom think that the Bengals are going to surprise some people, not only are they not going to surprise anyone, but they’re going to play so bad that I’ll be fighting some sort of meth, heroin or alcohol addiction halfway through the season.

The problem here is that I agree with the the two of them (meth addiction here I come). This season, I think that the Bengals are going to turn more heads then Bar Rafaeli in a string bikini.

Let’s start with the ‘O’. Last year the Bengal offense was exciting... in the same way that documentaries on naked mole rats are exciting. Going from Carson Palmer to Ryan Fitzpatrick was like going from a filet mignon to fast food; the quarterback change wasn’t a step down for the Bengals offense, it was more like falling down a flight of stairs into a children's swimming pool filled with broken glass.

For the Bengals to be successful this season it’s pretty obvious that Carson Palmer has to stay healthy. For a quarterback to do that, he needs a solid offensive line in front of him.The last time the Bengals had one of those I was wearing diapers and trying to kick my addiction to breast milk.

Last year’s 35-3 loss to Indianapolis is a prime example of what’s wrong with the O-line. Dwight Freeney set up a tent, a camp fire and celebrated a birthday in the Bengals backfield during the game. No one could stop him, if I didn’t know any better; I would say the Bengals game plan against Freeney went something like this:

Coach Zimmer

"Alright guys, remember whoever doesn’t block Dwight Freeney wins the $100 Skyline Chili gift certificate. And Whitworth, you won last week’s contest for successfully missing all 41 blocks you attempted against the Ravens. Great job, maybe Fitzpatrick will let you have his spleen that he had to have removed after the game."

O-Line

"Coach, even if Dwight Freeney was in Stephen Hawking's wheelchair we couldn't block him, can we just have the gift certificates now so we can use them before the game?"

There’s no doubt that picking Andre Smith at number six overall in the draft had to be done, what’s in doubt is Smith’s work ethic. For most of the college season, he looked like Orlando Pace’s younger, super athletic twin brother as he pancaked people left and right.

However, when he showed up at the combine 5,000 pounds overweight, he looked like he was eating pancakes instead of dishing them out. If the line gets their act together early on and Carson’s elbow doesn’t blow out like Tom Brady’s left knee, the Bengal offense will be alright.

And don’t worry about the receivers. Ocho Cinco likes money a lot and if he wants to make more of it in the future, then he’ll play hard. The TJ Houshmandzadeh loss isn’t as bad as it seems thanks to the signing of Laveranues Coles. Sure Coles is old, dilapitated and he's lost a step, but he doesn't have a DUI.

I imagine the loss of Housh is going to be a lot like season 3 of Fresh Prince when the actress who played Will's Aunt got the boot. At first everyone was in shock, until about episode two when everyone forgot the original lady’s name. By week nine, I fully expect the words “TJ who?” to be coming out of the collective mouths of Bengal nation.

For years, maybe decades, the problem with the Bengals has been the defense. Since 1991, no team has been intimidated by the Bengals because they always seemed to play defense like they were in the world's biggest pillow fight.

That’s now going to change. If murder was legal, Tank Johnson would rule the world. I’m afraid of this man, I’m afraid to be in the same stadium as him, I'm even afraid to be in the same zip code as him. Johnson’s signing combined with the addition of Georgia Tech super freak Michael Johnson is going to do wonders for the defensive line.

I'm not going to worry about the linebackers either, Ray Maualuga and Keith Rivers probably punch each other in the face for fun in between eating small children.

When the 2009 defense steps on the field, the pillow fights are over and I'm going to say it, I think the defense is going to be better then last year’s unit which finished the season ranked 12th in the league.

Oh and here's a brief aside for everyone, do you think it’s written down somewhere that the Bengals have to have four Johnsons on the roster at all times. Rudi leaves for Detroit and Chad changes his name, so the Bengals add Michael and Tank, makes prefect sense to me.

So now I suppose its time to convince you why the Bengals are going to run over everyone in their path this season. When the Bengals made the playoffs in 2005, they tortured the NFC North. The Bengals were Jack Bauer, NFC North teams were the terrorists.

So in case you missed the national holiday that is the NFL schedule release, here’s what the Bengals learned. Not only do they play the NFC North/terrorists, but they also play the Jets, Raiders and the Browns twice. That’s the equivalent of nine wins. Now you’re probably thinking:

“John, that math doesn’t really add up.”

But it does. Games against the Browns are practically byes, so the team will be well-rested for any games after Cleveland, which this year happens to be the Ravens and Lions.

And yes, you read that right; the Bengals play the Browns and Lions in consecutive weeks.

Wait, I can even do you one better: in November the Bengals actually have the Raiders, Browns and Lions in three successive weeks.

That’s like getting the whole month off. J.T. O’Sullivan could quarterback all four games in November and we’d still go 3-1. Hell, David Klingler could QB half the month and the Bengals could probably still scrape together a winning record.

Let me just put it this way, the only other time in team history the Bengals went 4-11 in a season (Donovan McNabb doesn’t think the tie happened, so I don’t count it towards our 2008 record) was 1987.

They followed up that pathetic showing with a trip to Super Bowl XXIII. Where was that game played? Miami.

Who’s hosting Super Bowl XLIV? Miami. I’m just saying, you might want to start looking at plane tickets, I heard their pretty cheap right now. Remember, call your bookie and bet your parents mortgage on 10-6 because that's what the Bengals 2009 record will be.

Report Says Favre Might Play For Every NFL Team This Season (Fake News)

John Breech — Thu, 07 May 2009 11:02:22 -0400

In what comes as a shock to absolutely no one, Brett Favre announced today that he will attempt to play for all 32 NFL teams during the upcoming 2009 football season. His only stipulation so far is that he must be named the starter for any and all clubs he would play for. Favre, who hates the media and is more emotional than a teenage girl that just saw The Notebook, held a press conference via cell phone text message earlier this afternoon.

Minutes into his press conference, the former Packer legend was insulted when Ed Werder from ESPN sent him a text that read:

"How u going 2 start 4 32 teams in 16 games, math doesn't add up?!?"

Favre annoyingly answered Werder's question by pointing out that if he plays one half of football each week for a different team, then his goal would be highly attainable. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell then immediately sent out a mass text to the media elaborating on what was surely going to be the next question:

"Can a player be legally traded at halftime of a game?"

According to Goodell, the answer is yes. However, Goodell did note that if the answer actually isn't yes, then he would make it yes 'as soon as humanly possible.'

John Clayton, who was reporting from a trash can on Favre's driveway, sent in this text:

"2 questions, rumors say you were going 2 Vikings and do u think a 7-year-old girl could take me in a fist fight?"

Favre answered that one with, "Yes, the Vikings were an option, but then I thought, 'We all know that I'm not retiring until I play for all 32 teams except for the Lions, so why not just get it all over with in one season.' So that's what I'm going to do and to answer your second question, if the young girl was crippled, blindfolded or sleeping, you might have a chance."

Twelve minutes into the interview, the press conference abruptly ended when Favre changed his mind and decided he didn't want to have a press conference anymore. Seconds after the press conference concluded, Favre reportedly killed his cat because he decided he likes dogs better.