Bleacher Report - Articles by Fourth and Fifty

May 20th Houston Sports FaF Smear (and Boo, Lakers)

Fourth and Fifty — Wed, 20 May 2009 04:00:21 -0400

It's the Birdman, daddy, I'm Fly in any weather

I am actually starting this post for Wednesday at half-time of the Nuggets/Lakers bout. Denver has already given up a ten point lead and are now down by one at the end of the second half. But, we have an affinity for Chris “the Birdman” Andersen around here and I feel relatively confident putting his picture up to start your morning.

The game just ended on a series of miscues that were not indicative of the rest of the game. This one had the chance to go down as a classic. Unfortunately with the game on the line, 6′2″ Anthony Carter tried to lob a pass over the 6′10″ Lamar Odom only to have it stolen by Trevor Ariza. A death blow on a turnover that should never have happened. Leave Andersen (see above) in the game, give him the responsibilities of that pass and this game could have been yours, Denver.

No bueno. Now we all have to listen to fickle Lakers’ fans chanting “MVP” as Kobe goes to the line twice in the last 30 seconds to seal the game. You ruined a completely respectable game by Carmelo Anthony (on both sides of the floor, mind you) on a little dinky pass. Denver, you should be pissed right now. If not, no worries, I am taking care of that for you.

After the jump, the rest of your Houston Deportes updates:

TEXANS – David Anderson, you are off the team. Take your bags and book it. Why don’t you go play for the National Football League team in Los Angeles if you are such a huge Lakers fan? Oh, that is right, there is not one! David Anderson, you’re fucking out, Ron Artest is fucking in.

ROCKETS – That is right, Ron Artest wants to stay with the Rockets next year. The only question I have is whether or not Ron-ron can keep Yao’s brittle feet from snapping every 20 games and can he de-pussify T-Mac? Because, if the answers are “yes and yes,” that is money well spent. Daryl Morey, keep Crazy Eyes in H-town. Please. At least for the comic value of the post-practice interviews.

ASTROS – The Astros’ best hitter had to leave the game in the fourth inning due to a cut on his hand. With Mike Hampton out of the batting line-up all hope was lost. Pitcher (I’m writing that for my own clarification), Russ Ortiz, replaced Hampton and promptly hit a home-run to no avail. Houston could not muster enough wood (never been a problem for me) to keep pace with the Brewers falling four to two.

DYNAMO – I was asked if we ever cover the Houston Dynamo yesterday. I have a three word answer: Fuck. And. Yes. They are FaF’s favorite team because we rank our favorites based on a regency of league championships. Actually, based on that algorithm that would make the Astros our least favorite (which may not be too far off the mark).

If you are not up to speed with the Dynamo’s history, they originally were in San Jose before they moved to Houston. Now San Jose has a new team, the Earthquakes. San Jose’s fans are still a little bitter over the transfer. I only have one thing to say to that… Get over it, San Jose. Seriously, you are not a sports town. You cannot even keep a top-seeded team in the playoffs longer than the first round. So, keep your whining and jeering at home. Houston hosts San Jose on Saturday at Robertson stadium.

UNIVERSITY of HOUSTON – I was searching for UH sports news, but this seemed a lot more interesting: Some fellow Cougars have come up with an iPhone application to help track the calories burned while your walking. You can compare and compete with similarly app’d iPhone users. When I am cool enough to own one, I will let you know. But, I am not sure that is as cool as the TXT’N'WALK app. Virtually eliminating bumping into someone while you are texting? I’ll take two.

- Septimus Rex

[Photo from here, but they probably illegally used it... Not on my conscience.]

Posted in Houston Dynamo, Houston Rockets, Houston Texans, NBA, University of Houston Tagged: Chris Andersen, Daryl Morey, Denver Nuggets, iPhone Apps, Kobe Bryant, LA Lakers, Ron Artest, Ron-ron, San Jose Earthquakes

Brett Favre Saga Claims Another Victim

Fourth and Fifty — Tue, 19 May 2009 14:58:26 -0400

"I iz brokan hearteded."

When will this madness end?

Has Brett Favre no heart?! I’m not talking “heart” in the “he plays with heart, he’s a gunslinger” capacity or having a literal heart—I heard he doesn’t…he’s a cyborg.

I mean, he cannot feel what he is doing to the community around him.

First he took Green Bay asunder.

Then the New York football Jets.

This aloof a-hole must be stopped—and this is coming from a self-proclaimed aloof a-hole speaking for aloof a-holes everywhere—before he victimizes anyone else.

In the last month alone we have witnessed the fall of heroes as we wait (again) to see if the three-time MVP will make a fearless rise from the ashes of retirement.

First, it was John Madden who could not comprehend an NFL without B. Lorenzo Favre. Madden had to retire with the thought of having to call a game without mentioning the Southern Miss/Atlanta Falcon/Green Bay Packer/NY Jet “great.”

Not just John Madden, but his bus had to retire as well!

Two American institutions gone because of one redundant press conference and agent’s admission.

Peter King had to move further away from the Meadowlands just because Brett won’t be there to dry-hump anymore.

Watch out Tom Brady…he’s coming for you!

How are property prices in Minnesota, I mean, Mississippi? King has a couple more years to milk from respectable journalism before he writes his memoirs about coming out of the closet inspired by No. 4.

Now, Tony Kornheiser will not be back with the Monday Night Football crew. The man had to resign from his column at the Washington Post.

Now this?

It’s insanity. You’re telling me the only time that I’ll be able to see that comb-over will be on PTI?

That’s not a world I want to live in.

With Favre’s latest retirement here to stay—wait, he’s getting his arm checked out by Dr. James Andrews…no he’s not…someone make up my mind for me—Kornheiser obviously was not needed to knob-slobber all over the Bearded One.

So, with five games on the Monday Night Football schedule involving teams with a direct or indirect link (Green Bay, NY Jets, Atlanta and Minnesota) to Favre the MNF crew can rest easy and unclench their jaw.

ESPN has chosen to replace him with Chucky doll impersonator (and multiple roster spots for QBs lover) Jon Gruden.

The Monday Night Experiment continues.

Will Ron Jaworski finally respect someone sitting in the booth next to him? Or, will Gruden bring on two or three more ex-quarter backs turned announcers to compete for the job with Jaws after he suffers an exploded spleen or receding hairline (or lisp)?

Possible replacements include Young, Aikman, Marino, Boomer, Bradshaw—I wholly support a Tirico, Gruden, Bradshaw booth.

But, above all else, who’s going to be the high-profile in-the-booth analyst that’s going to traverse the country by bus?

Do we not honor traditions anymore?

May 19th Houston Sports FaF Smear (and Antigone)

Fourth and Fifty — Tue, 19 May 2009 03:00:25 -0400

The one where: Culture Alert – The following contains non-sports information.

Come with me, Fourth and Fifty soldiers, to the land of theatre (with an “re,” it’s more authentic that way). In no way am I experienced enough to write anything about the acting milieu… I don’t even know if I used that word in the right context. BUT! How would that be different then when I usually write about sports-related events? (That was a rhetorical question.)

I spent my last weekend as a “Professional Blogger” catching up on all the culture that I’ve been missing out on for the past 26 years (as Pipez informed me via text). That started on Friday for opening night of Antigone. No, I won’t go into my critique of the show… honestly I have none. I’m not an expert. Though, I did take “Politics in the Greek Theater” from Dr. Lence at the University of Houston.

You should go see this play. Let me tell you why:

The Classical Theatre Company is a new addition to the city of Houston. Last Fall’s production of Shylock the Jew of Venice was absolutely awesome and Antigone definitely deserves attention as well. You can be one of those snobs that says, “oh, you’re talking about the CTC. Yeah, I’m basically a founding father since I’ve been a patron since the beginning.”
Going to the theatre impresses chicks. They dig dudes with a distinguished cultured air about them. You don’t know about Antigone yet? Read about it here.
Antigone is being shown at the University of Houston’s Wortham Theater Complex. We’re a UH Sports blog. You’re probably a UH fan. You already know where UH is! This all goes together like peanut butter and jelly.
Sophocles was Shakespeare before Shakespeare was Shakespeare. That makes total sense! Read it again… ok, don’t. When you think of the Oedipus “trilogy” (or, the Theban plays if you want to get technical) think Romeo and Juliet but with more incest and death. You can’t say “no” to that.
Greek theater always has the chorus (not for singing) and that is by far the best part. I’m pretty sure that Terminator: Salvation coming out this weekend goes back to the Greek standard and has a Chorus full of talking machines. I’m pretty sure. But, you may as well be safe and brush up on it.

Tickets are $15 or $7 if you’re a student/kiddo/in the industry. Here’s the Houston Chronicle’s review. This is the Houston Press’ review… looks like you have to wait until Wednesday for that one. So, don’t make me into a douchey braggart. Go to the show and make me a prophet (like the all-knowing seer Teiresias!!!).

I’m just trying to help you out here.

On to your Houston SPORTS updates:

TEXANS – I’ve never read so many lies in the same article. Yeah right, Brian Cushing. You’re not playing next to DeMeco Ryans yet. It’s not an honor until he tells you it is. And DeMeco… Did you really just say that you’re not going to submit Cushing to rookie hazing? What-EVER! If he’s not your personal ball-washer by the end of training camp I’ll quit the blogging business say that I never said anything.

ROCKETS – Good job, boyzzzzz! You gave them all you had… and they took it and bought their ladies big fake boobies and new noses.

ASTROS – DNP, which in this case falls in the category of “no news is good news.”

AEROS – Well, it’s been a nice run through the Calder Cup bracket, but Houston went down to a desolate zero to three series deficit to Manitoba last night. The fourth and possibly final game of the series is at Toyota Center on Wednesday. Rush right out and get tickets!

UNIVERSITY of HOUSTON – This is a bit late. Better late than never? University of Houston’s men’s track team took first place in the C-USA track meet on Saturday. They be running fast and stuff (the Rice women’s team – the Owlettes(?) took first place for their gender… just in case you cared).

- Septimus Rex: “No Longer Professional Blogger”

(Full Disclosure – I spent my Saturday night at Stages Repertory Theatre watching Grey Gardens which was a hilarious – dare I say it – musical about the aunt and cousin of Jacqueline “Jackie” Lee Bouvier Kennedy Onassis. Don’t judge me… I did it all to impress the ladies. Plus, now that the Rockets are donezo you’re going to have to find a new way to fill your weekends.)

Blatant Homerism Alert: Manchester United Win 18th Premier League Title

Fourth and Fifty — Mon, 18 May 2009 16:28:02 -0400

We interrupt our widespread homerism to bring you a different kind of widespread homerism.

On Saturday, with a 0-0 tie against hated Arsenal, Manchester United (not the West University United Methodist Church, don’t get the logos confused) clinched their 18th first division title.

The premier league has only been around since 1992 (and they’ve won 11 of those, thank you very much), before that it was called the First Division. Now, the First division is really the second division, and the second division is now the third. You get the point (that it’s retardedly set up). There’s one game remaining, but they cannot be topped.

United have won 18 titles in their history. That’s tied for first, with Liverpool, who, try as they might, couldn’t top the Red Devils this year.

Liverpool was like the Lakers in this year’s NBA playoffs: they play well, get lucky, make it to the finish line, only to find that LeBron has completely ass-raped them while they stroke their vaginas. And they’re also both raging turd-burglars.

Their dominance has been more recent than Liverpool, with them winning the last 3 titles, and have won 11 out of the last 16, while also winning dozens of the other tournaments they play in each year (Champions League, FA Cup, the World Club Championship).

Most people argue that United are the Yankees of soccer, because they spend a lot of money, and everyone hates them. True, they’ve bought a lot of players over the years, and most people do hate them. Massive, all-encompassing success kind of does that.

But they’ve raised a lot of talent through their young player academies. I don’t know much about the Yankees farm system, but I’m going to assume it, at some point, involved Mickey Mantle raping sheep.*

As a side note, approximately how long could a team in the U.S. survive if it’s name/nickname was the Red Devils?They’d be sued and harrassed more than I don’t count the New Jersey Devils, since no one watches hockey. Are you listening, Septimus? I’m glad your team lost!!!!

Next up for United is the Champions League final on May 27 against Barcelona. They won the tournament last year, defeating Chelsea, whom Barca beat this year. Barca will likely be without Thierry Henry, who, while being a French fairy, is somehow rather good at sports.

Man U to win it 3-1.

- Wanks MacGruber

*might not actually be true**

**pretty sure it isn’t true. But never say never, right?

Image from Skysports

May 18th Houston Sports FaF Smear (Rockets Die; Moose Knuckle Lives)

Fourth and Fifty — Mon, 18 May 2009 06:31:42 -0400

The one where we are proud of you, boys…

Wubbie dubbie?

Ambivalence reigns supreme in FaF-ville. The Rockets are dead. But rising like a phoenix from their ashes, Moose Knuckle lives! (Check the comments section in that link.) That duality makes today one of the most bittersweet days in the long brief and fading history of Fourth and Fifty.

To a man (other than San Antonio-loving Pipez, and we’re not sure he’s a man anyway), FaF is incredibly proud of the Rockets. In a fucked-up way, it seems better to have a team overachieve but end short of the goal than to underachieve and hit the goal. If that makes sense. The boys gave it their all, except for Games Six and Seven, even though they were overmatched. If moral victories exist, then we are victorious. Then again, masturbation is a moral victory, so maybe moral victories are overrated.

The other consolation is We Don’t Know Jack. There was a point in the second quarter where Jack Nicholson was trying to rally the Lakers’ fans, who were either busy on their Blackberries or so drugged up on Valium that they could not muster the will to stand and clap. They finally stated singing the goodbye song at the end of the game, but other than that I thought they were fairly comatose.

So Jack would try to pump them up by raising the roof ,and each time he did so his purple shirt flapped up, giving us a sneak peak of this picture. They get Jack, we get the Niko Nikos guy, although I thought Niko was going to kill himself when we traded Vasilis “Billy” Spanouils for Scola.

First of all, if FaF was around during the Spanoulis era, we would have devoted multiple posts to coming up with nonsensical shortened names for foreign players, inspired by the insipid “Billy”. Without a doubt, Dikembe would have been “Chubby Pedro”. Second, how awesome was that trade?

Back to the point, we are proud of you, Rockets. Since FaF has been on a musical tirade as of late, here is a fitting halfass tribute. If I knew how to youtube I would make a season compilation video to this song, fo sho.

On to your local Houston Sports updates. God speed, Rockets.

Rockets: You just covered that, self! Sorry, self. You know Dizzile Mizzile (Daryl Morey) will have some nasty algorithmic tricks up his sleeve this summer.

Astros: Beat the Cubs six to five. Two games from statistical mediocrity! Although an average team is much easier to bear than a team that is three standard deviations from average.

Texans: Here is Dan Orlovsky working out! Actually I love this shit. 98 percent of the workouts I do with my manager El Rat are from crazy youtube videos. No homo, but I can’t speak for El Rat. Not that there is anything wrong with that. My question about the Orlovsky video is this – no offense to whomever Brooke Bentley is (and that’s a great porn stage name, btw), but cannot the Texans do any better? I am not saying that all women hosts introducing men working out have to look like Rachelle Leah…actually, I am:

The Other Teams: Who gives a shit?!? You know you want to google Rachelle Leah. Go! Go! Quickly!

Photo from: http://www.nba.com/multimedia/photo_gallery/0905/lakers.rockets.game7/content.5.html

Posted in Houston Rockets, MMA, Uncategorized Tagged: Billy Spanoulis, Dan Orlovsky, Rachelle Leah, Rockets Game 7, Rockets Season Over

The Random Triathlete

Fourth and Fifty — Sun, 17 May 2009 22:03:36 -0400

This post might strike you as self-indulgent, but please remember that we are a blog about penii sports cocks. If we weren’t self-indulgent, we’d have our blog charter revoked.

Don’t worry, there will be pictures of chicks in bikinis (first link and a ton at the bottom of the post). You might even learn a thing or two.

I’m a triathlon evangelist. I think everyone should tri one. Get it? Tri? Never mind. You really should, and here are a few reasons why:

You get pizza and beer at the finish line. I shit you not.
It is the best venue, bar none, for toned women showing what they got. You can keep your stuck-up 22 year old with too much eyeliner at Red Door or wherever the kids go these days. I prefer a mid-30s MILF who puts in eight hours/week of training with a smile on her face.
It isn’t as hard as you think. At least the sprint triathlon isn’t. I’ve done four and I’m not an “athlete” or “particularly dedicated” or “without love handles”.
You get pizza and beer at the finish line.
Triathletes come in all shapes and sizes, so you never have to worry about being the slowest or fattest. You also will never be the fastest or best looking. And the best part is, no one gives a shit. Very bourgeoisie.
If you’re not 100 percent egocentric (and you are, but pretend like you’re not for a second), you will see some amazing things. Not just the elite athletes. You’ll see everyone cheering for a 79 year old great grandfather crossing the finish line. You’ll see a mother who has already finished re-run the last mile with her 12 year old daughter. You’ll see a dozen foxy ladies that would arouse you were you not in water so cold that your manhood has receded into itself like a turtle.
Bragging rights. And the pizza, beer, and babes that are too focused/tired to notice that you’re staring.

Interested? Let’s do a little Tri 101…

The triathlon was started in 2005 when JeffTheTriathlete blessed us with the gift of himself, and even started a blog to chronicle his training. The world was set afire with love for this sportif nouveau and Jeff was even named Time’s 2008 Man of the Year, beating out Obama, Bill Gates, and Jesus Christ (of Nazareth, not the Latter Day Saint guy).

A triathlon consists of swimming followed by cycling followed by running. There are four types, distinguished by length. From shortest to longest: Sprint, Olympic or Quarter Iron, Half Iron, and Iron. A Sprint is typically a 500 meter swim, 15 mile bike, and 3.2 mile run. It usually takes between 60 and 75 minutes total, including transitions.

The Olympic is twice as long as the Sprint (more or less), the Half Iron twice as long as the Olympic, and the Iron is a several mile swim followed by over 100 miles of biking and then a full marathon at the end. The time limit for Irons is 17 hours so people don’t die. That shit is muy loco, so don’t even think about it.

Sprints are fun—they are short, easy to get into, and you don’t have to plunk down a shit ton of cash money. They also have the widest range of interesting people—the longer distances tend to weed out anyone who isn’t a serious athlete and/or diva, but the Sprint is pretty democratic.

You can do a sprint with three months of training at five or six hours/week and a few hundred dollars total. Here is some Men’s Health stuff for the training. The money goes like this—probably $65 for the race, $60 for some good tri shorts (go to a bike store), some running shoes, and either rent a bike or buy one on craigslist.

You can spend yourself into bankruptcy with fancy stuff, but you really don’t need to. I’ve done both my Sprints and an Olympic on a bike I bought at Target for $120, and rented a bike for the other Olympic for $35. You’ll need a wicking (dri-fit) shirt and socks and some goggles, but that’s it.

The race is easier than the training, and the training really isn’t that bad. I did Silverlake this morning in about 1 hr 10 min, and:

I’m not an athlete
I still have the extra “sympathetic pregnancy” weight from Random Baby
I’ve been so exhausted/lazy/busy with this blog/lazy that I put in maybe 12 days of training total
I used my bike from Target that weighs 30 pounds
It started raining hard during the race – the sideways rain that Forrest Gump experienced in ‘Nam

But there is no feeling like finishing the crossing line, grabbing pizza and beer, and checking out the talent cheering on the people finishing behind you. Since I don’t really have a point with this post other than to tell you how cool I am, here are a few other nuances of triathlons:

The organizers write your age on your left calf, so when people pass you on the bike, you get to see how old they are. This is strangely addicting – I spend the whole bike looking at random peoples’ calves. It is either that or their butts, I guess. Today I got passed by a kid who is 10 and a senior who is 67. And only one chick, and she went on to win the women’s side. But there is a strategic advantage to being passed by women – refer to the first linked picture at the top of the post.
Since laypeople don’t understand the differences between the types, everyone will think you are a badass for doing a triathlon. Or they’ll think you’re a liar.
Beside calf-staring, the other most fun thing to do is to say hi or thank-you to all the volunteers. There are a lot of them at fluid stations, directing traffic, helping you out of the water, pointing you in the right direction. Most participants just ignore them. Here was my epiphany: I did an Olympic in Galveston in 2008, and there was one very obese participant—he honestly must have weighed 450 lbs. He was dressed in purple and looked like a bear on a bicycle from the circus. He was an amazing physical specimen. Anyway, he talked to everyone from start to finish. He was the nicest guy I’ve ever seen, and he was having a better time than anyone else. So now I emulate Purple Bear and talk to everyone. This probably doesn’t impact my time, and I’m having more fun than ever before.
You feel great about yourself, no matter how you do.
I said this before, but the range of diverse and interesting people is amazing. It’s like when you go to a catholic church in Houston and see 60 different nationalities – everything from Africans with their ceremonial headdresses to people from Latin America to really old people to crying babies. It’s a big tent. The triathlon is a lot like this – there are stuck-up uber-athletes, nice uber-athletes, normal people in very good shape, normal people in decent shape, fat people (called Clydesdales and Athenas, respectively, I swear), and people who haven’t trained at all. Then you have families, children and dogs cheering them on. At its best, the triathlon really says something good about us.

If you’re at all interested, here is a calendar of events. You only need to plan a few months out.

If you’re not interested, here are some pics of triathlon chicks in bikinis. That last one is really your own fault.

Photo from: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_3gfq0IhbjmU/SMKNO-7KLYI/AAAAAAAAAKg/8qD8kIykp3o/S1600-R/_41726010_triathlon_416.jpg

Posted in Uncategorized Tagged: Random Guy is Amazing, silverlake sprint triathlon, spring triathlon

Natalie Gulbis' Competition Getting Stiffer for Top Golf Babes

Fourth and Fifty — Fri, 15 May 2009 12:16:22 -0400

Inspired by Reginald Blackstone’s unimaginative post yesterday, where he failed to put sports and babes together to make sports babes, I would like to announce our new golf crush. (Just kidding Reginald. If you post boobs, they don’t have to be related to sports. No one except goldfish complained, and I think that might say more about him and why THE Random Guy has an ongoing love affair with him.)

Before today, Natalie Gulbis monopolized the golf babe market, but newcomer Maria Verchenova will give Gulbis some competition for hottest golfer. If Natalie is the Tiger Woods of the hottest golfers, Tiger meet your Phil Mickelson.

I wish I had a wood with a longer shaft

I could definitely be in a threesome with these two. It seems they really know how to stroke it. I hear they really can work the balls, even in tight spots. They are experts with the woods. Sometimes to get a better stroke, they have to choke on the shaft. They really know how to put it in the hole. I heard they like it from the rough. They really like to play with a stiff shaft. Okay, I think that will do.

And, although I am no expert on women’s golf, here is a list of the top five hottest women in golf today based on a number of statistical categories, adjusting for differences in sample size, strength of schedule, and throwing out all results where p>.05, deeming them statistically insignificant.

5. Paula Creamer: The name alone gets her to the five spot.

4. Cristie Kerr: Based on this photo alone, she makes the top 10!

3. Anna Rawson: Underrated golf hottie.

2. Maria Verchenova: Our new crush.

1. Natalie Gulbis: Still No. 1.

I can really stretch the shaft

Houston Rockets: Living on a Prayer

Fourth and Fifty — Wed, 13 May 2009 10:42:12 -0400

I do not want to talk about Game Five, even though I am contractually obligated to.

The past is the past, and our name is our name. Let’s get it over with.

It was a bad loss, but it was just a loss, and one that everyone expected. 118-78, bad guys ahead three to two in the series.

Benedict Salvatore (pun!) took the Rox out of the game extra early be neutralizing the secret weapon that is Chuck “Wagon” Hayes. After Chuck picked up two personal fouls and left the game in the first quarter, the Lakers went on a 24-to-seven run or something like that. As Chuck Hayes goes, so goeth our season.

I meant to say this a few days ago, but the Yao-less Rockets living and dying by the three reminds me of one of those NCAA Tournament teams that can go from hot to cold very quickly. You never want to bet with or against them because they are so damn mercurial. But 17 percent (five for 29) is effing ridiculous.

Another concern is that while the Lakers won easily. Kobe didn’t get the “FU” game out of his system. He had 26 in 31 minutes and his team had their vengeance, but I do not get the sense that he had his personal vengeance. If that makes sense.

Last thing before moving on to the future, Brian Cook is now my second least favorite Laker, behind Double Chin Beard Lakers Cheerleader Tracie MissGradie. Cook is also Second-Team-All Potbelly, behind Brian Scalabrine at the four spot.

Okay, that robust Game Five coverage should satiate your appetite for historical knowledge of things that happened last night. Let’s move ahead and at least get to the Bon Jovi reference:

Dear Houston, we have to hold on to what we got. It does not make a difference if we make it or not. We have got each other, and that is enough. For love. WE WILL GIVE IT A SHOT!

This Rockets team is one that everyone counted out as serious playoff contenders after McGrady went down. Well, everyone who had never watched a Rockets game and gave a blind opinion on such matters. I’m looking at you, NBA Fast Break and NBATV. Might I remind you of something, please?

Is his cherry popped by osmosis?

A number of people (two, which is a number) are saying that this is one of their favorite Rockets teams because it is such a scrappy underdog. But we have also used that to justify giving ourselves a shot against the Lakers, Nuggets, and then Cavs.

Everyone at FaF picked the Rockets in seven, and we’re the homers that would have predicted a sweep if there was a one-percent chance of that happening. But just to inject a quick dose of reality, let’s look at our current lineup.

PG – Petsmart Big Timer and Normal-Sized Person Aaron Brooks

SG – The No-Stats All-Star Shane Battier. Sometimes stats are good things—take “points”, for example. Points are good things.

SF – “So Hood” Crazy Ass Ron Artest, who may do one of the following things in Game six: score 30, take 70 shots, bite the head off a live chicken, do the crip-walk, or make out with Yao Ming. Please keep in mind these things are not mutually exclusive.

PF – The guy from Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Luis Scola is multi-talented.

Center – A 6′5″ non-drafted D-League player who has the worst offensive game of any Rocket since Ryan Bowen.

And we’re going up against the best player in the last decade, two other legitimate All-Stars, the center of the future (if he ever goes through puberty), and the most evil coach in basketball. This doesn’t mean we should give up hope. It does mean that:

WE’VE GOT TO HOLD ON

TO WHAT WE’VE GOT

IT DOESN’T MAKE A DIFFERENCE IF WE MAKE IT OR NOT

WE HAVE GOT EACH OTHER, AND THAT’S A LOT FOR LOVE.

GIVE IT A SHOT!!!!!!!

Rockets win Game Six at home and slay the mighty Lakers in Game Seven. Why? Because with two wins in the series, WE’RE HALFWAY THERE! Without Yao, we have to shoot a lot of threes and we’re LIVING ON A PRAYER. If you TAKE DEKE’S HAND, YOU’LL MAKE IT I SWEAR. WOOOOAHHH! LIVING ON A PRAYER.

This is quite possibly the worst post we have ever done at FaF. But you might be glad to know that I originally started a post called “The Lakers are Pussy Ass Bitches” where all I did was post pictures of various Lakers and put “Pussy Ass Bitch” in the caption. Over and over.

It was one of those deconstructionist pieces, like a one-word poem. But when I woke up this morning, I thought what does the city of Houston (and/or the five people who will read this) need? The answer—a prayer. And living on it. You’re welcome.

Roger Clemens Denying Steroids

Fourth and Fifty — Tue, 12 May 2009 15:36:05 -0400

The one where Roger loses a little more credibility for not making sense.

Roger Clemens spoke out today on ESPN’s Mike and Mike. When asked if he had ever used steroids or HGH, at one point he said,

“You know guys, just let me add to it. I mean… common sense…I have, our family has a history of heart conditions. Uh my brother had a heart attack in his late 40's, my STEP-DAD died of a heart attack. Uh…I mean it would be suicidal for me to uh…even think about taking any of these dangerous drugs.”

Uh…now, I don’t know, because I’m not a doctor ("Family Guy" reference, but I couldn’t find a link), but I’m pretty sure when you are talking about family medical history, that your step-dad’s medical conditions aren’t relevant, unless heart conditions are contagious (maybe I shouldn’t have gone to visit that nursing home last week), why is my left arm tingling? Rogerboy is saying he thinks it would be suicidal to do steroids because of a medical condition that someone, who isn’t related to him, has. If that’s the case, I should probably watch out for diabetes, because my mom’s friend’s third cousin has it.

I like Roger Clemens, but he isn’t exactly making himself sound believable when he says stuff like this.

-Reginald Blackstone

Source: http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=4160570
Photo [bitsblog]

Posted in Uncategorized. Tagged: HGH, Roger Clemens, Steroids.

Rockets-Lakers: NBA Conspiracy Will Prevent Houston from Winning Series

Fourth and Fifty — Mon, 11 May 2009 16:00:53 -0400

The Rockets brutally raped the Lakers yesterday.

Don’t let the 12-point margin of victory fool you. We were up by 27 at one point, and had at least a 20 point gap for a long stretch in the second half.

Battier played like a monster, Lowry and Landry were slashing and jukin’ and jivin’ all game long.

And Kobe finally got T’d up for being a little bitch.

But we’re not winning this series. We could play like this in the remaining games, and we will not win. It just won’t happen, and I am here to explain why.

The NBA is hurting during the recession, as our friend Bill so eloquently pointed out some time ago. They’re borrowing money from big banks, for fuck’s sake. There’s one way out of these troubles—a monster NBA Finals featuring a guy who was supposed to be the next Michael Jordan (Kobe “no means yes” Bryant), and the guy who probably is the next Michael Jordan (LeBron “my back hurts from carrying this entire city” James.

There is absolutely no way that David Stern will allow a Finals match-up that doesn’t include these guys in it. The Rockets maybe had a small chance when the series started, with the odds increasing after the Game One victory.

But once Yao went down and was pronounced out Saturday night, 1.5 billion Chinese TV sets were turned off. So that means no Chinese viewers for the Finals, and that means no Rockets in the finals.

Everyone has seen it, the no-calls on Kobe’s flaying elbows, the usual refereeing bullshit that you see when you know that they want a certain outcome.

It just seems too convenient when the out-of-bounds calls never seem to go your way, and the opposing team gets just too many free throws for it to seem like a normal game. This is how the rest of the series will be for the Rockets.

Of course, the NBA will drag it out to seven games, because it's been an exciting series. Douches.

- Wanks MacGruber

Rockets-Lakers: Kobe Bryant and His Dodge Stratus Scare Me

Fourth and Fifty — Mon, 11 May 2009 13:28:34 -0400

I drive a Dodge Stratus!

That isn’t some sort of pun or triple entendre. Kobe Bryant is a mean, vindictive asshole who takes everything personally—and he is going to come out and break shit in Game Five.

S. Rex, Professional Blogger* really hit the nail on the head. I really am scared of what Kobe is going to do in Game Five. Probably 38, seven, and four in a blowout.

Shane Battier et al have done their best to not rouse the Black Mamba, but thanks to stupid Michael Lewis, Kobe has all the motivation he’ll ever need.

Don’t think for a second that article isn’t posted in Kobe’s locker and above his bed like the Jonas Brothers poster above Reginald Blackstone’s bed. Kobe is a control freak. Just look at this transcript from a recent conversation he had at dinner with his family:

Vanessa: Thanks for this $4 million ring. I’d almost forgotten about the adultery. Just kidding. You know women don’t forget anything, ever.

Kobe: You do not talk to me like that! I am a Division Manager!! That is very important!! That is very important!! You don’t talk to me like that!! People are scared of me!!

The Daughter with the Afro Puff: Daddy, why did you get beat so bad by the Yao-less Rockets in Game Four?

Kobe: I work too hard to deal with this stuff!! I work too hard!! I’m a Division Manager in charge of 49 people!! I drive a Dodge Stratus!!

The Other Daughter: Daddy, why didn’t you get first row tickets to Hannah Montana? fourth row? Really? What’s next, we move into Section Eight housing? And what’s up with the Dodge Stratus?

Kobe: You don’t talk about my Dodge Stratus that way!! You do not talk to your father that way!! I am a Division Manager!! I can do 100 push-ups in twenty minutes!!

End manuscript. What a control freak. Here are some more random thoughts…

Raise your hand if during the preseason you said “as Aaron Brooks goes, so goeth the Rockets.” If you have your hand raised: you’re a liar and a fake and a phony and I wish I never laid my eyes on ya. In order of importance, when the season started, this is how everyone, including you, thought it would go. Yao, McGrady, Artest, Battier, Rafer, Scola, Landry, Brent Barry, Aaron Breezey, Chuck Wagon, and maybe Deke.

An up-to-date (”real time”, as the kids say) list looks like this: Scola, Breezey, Artest, Battier, Wafer, Landry, Lowry, Chuck, Injured Giants, Brian Cook, Double-Chin Playoff-Beard McGrady. A little different, eh?

I’m perpetually worried about another piss-poor Artest game, which Game Four was, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t have another one right up his sleeve for Game Five. Double negative, foolz.

We’ll live and die by the three for the rest of the playoffs. The thing is, we didn’t shoot tremendously well from beyond the arc (10-29). Another stressor adding to my growing Rockets ulcer.

The Random prediction: Lakers win in a blowout in Game Five, Rox squeak by at home in Game Six thanks to a faithful bandwagon crowd, and God only knows about Game Seven.

Lastly, I don’t think Aaron Brooks and the rest of the Rockets should be able to refer to Tracy McGrady as “Mac”. Call him Tracy – a woman’s name for a woman’s game. There are only three people who can be called Mac:

FaF’s own W-Mac.
This guy:
The miggita miggita miggita miggita Mac Daddy:

*Septimus Rex actually goes by the nickname “Sexy Rexy”, which is fantastic because it sounds like something that a high school girls’ softball team would write in car chalk on the window of their captain’s Jeep Grand Cherokee, right next to “Seniors ‘09″.

Picture from here: http://uvtblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/vanessa-bryant.jpg. Please don’t sue us.

Rockets-Lakers, Game Four: The Lob Seen 'Round the Country

Fourth and Fifty — Mon, 11 May 2009 07:00:04 -0400

Is it too soon to say “I told you so?” Well, I did, so there.

I thought that the Rockets would be able to steal Game Four away from the Lakers today, even without Yao Ming.

Why? Because so many people would be picking against them, and they would play a younger, shorter, faster line-up that would be fueled by emotion (and the desire to prove the country wrong).

Did I think that would translate to a three-quarter ass-stomping of the Kobe’s Kids? Hayllz NO!

“How did this happen?” you might be asking yourself. Take a seat on Septy’s lap and I’ll tell you a little story (with informative bullet points!):

The Random Guy usually likes to say “fuck you, suit.” And by “usually” I mean to me whenever it’s deemed that I’m cramping his style, holding him back, keeping him from being an internet nuisance, or pretty just when he disagrees with me (which is always).

But in the case of the Rockets, it was the suits on the side-line giving inspiration. Having Dikembe, Yao, and T-Mac on the sideline was a motivator—not a deterrent to victory.
Shane Battier’s motto for the first quarter, “I. Can’t. Miss. Feed me the rock, I’m hunnnnggry.” Battier made his first four shots, and finished 11 of 22 from the field and a perfect six for six from the free-throw line.

That’s impressive. For the first time in the series it should have been Battier looking back at Kobe saying “you can’t guard me” receiving the late technical foul (like game two). We all know he’s too classy for that though.
Ron Artest could not buy a bucket. This turned out to be a great thing since he didn’t seem compelled to take over the game, given Yao’s absence.

The ridiculous Houston lead also helped in this. I can only imagine what would have happened had the Rockets been involved in a close game and Ron-ron jacking up trey’s off the dribble. Yikes.
Aaron Brooks continues to prove Fourth and Fifty wrong. We’re I’m man enough to admit that I was wrong in criticizing the Rockets trade of Skip to my Lou.

Thirty-four points including the ridiculous alley-oop to end the third quarter (shown above)? Yes, thank you very much Mr. Brooks. Is there anything I can do for you Mr. Brooks? Do you want to date my sister Mr. Brooks? Go right ahead Mr. Brooks.
Kobe Bryant was held to his lowest point total of the playoffs, 15 in 35 minutes. He also didn’t make it to the free-throw line.

This is an anomaly. It will not, I repeat, will not happen again. Beware. The last Houston needs is a pissed off Kobe on their hands (with the home court referees behind him).

It was surreal looking at the scoreboard during this game. There is not a Rockets fan out there that could have predicted this outcome. The Lakers are a team that Houston couldn’t beat once during the regular season. Now they’ve managed to steal two games from them—one on their home court, the other without the star center.

Does this provide hope? A little. It’s all about maintaining the high level of energy. The one thing that concerns me is that even during the blow-out portions of this game, Houston’s starters were on the floor entirely too much.

The Lakers’ starters played an average of 28.4 minutes (Lamar Odom also left the game early because of back spasms). The starters from Houston were on the floor an average of 38 minutes. The only bench player with significant minutes was Mike Kyle Lowry and he was at minus-12 (THANKS! Sabermetrics!).

Houston has a chance. This much is true. But, I think the chance depends on them taking the next two games. Rockets in six or not at all.

- S. Rex: Professional Blogger

P.S. – Hey, Kobe. Tell me how my ass taste.

Posted in Houston Rockets, NBA Tagged: Aaron Brooks, Kobe Bryant, Kyle Lowry, Lamar Odom, Luis Scola, Ron Artest, SABERMETRICS, Shane Battier, Tell me how my ass taste, Yao Ming

May 11: Daily FAF Smear (and a Rockets Victory)

Fourth and Fifty — Mon, 11 May 2009 06:00:20 -0400

The one where you find out how a real man runs his business…

If you want to become a successful business owner, I suggest you take the time to read Tiger Mike’s memos. They offer a fascinating glimpse into the mind of a Texas oil man slowly descended into deep, deep dementia. A real man doesn’t allow employees to celebrate birthdays or other special occasions during business hours. A real man mandates that all notes be typewritten, not handwritten, which is much slower, apparently. He also mentions Texans second year LT Duane Brown* on page 11, in his former job as an oil rig supervisor. A few new rules at FaF:

All comments will be limited to 20 words. If you can’t get your point across in the allotted time, then you don’t deserve to use our web space!

The Random Guy will be limited to a single post each week that mirrors the Sports Guy writing style. This is a business (that managed $-12 in profits last quarter!), and I won’t have you wasting our precious space with Mean Girls and Hillary Duff references!

Rockets Win! The Rockets ass-fisted the Lakers yesterday, with a 99-87 victory. Our championship hopefulls put in a heroic performance to tie the series up, even while Yao-less, Dikemebe-less, and McGrady-less (ok, bad example). More to come later….

Texans: (crickets chirping….) Sorry, I got nothin’. Sweet Jesus why can’t it be September already!

Cougars: The baseball team got walloped by ECU yesterday to end their bid for a conference title. There’s always the NIT, right?

Astros: Oswalt finally gets his act together and wins a fucking game. The ‘Stros handed the Padres with a 12-5 victory at the Juicebox.

- Wanks MacGruber

Image from The Daily Mail.

*Might not have actually been him.

Posted in Daily FaF Smear, Houston Astros, Houston Dynamo, Houston Rockets, Houston Texans, University of Houston Tagged: Business Time, Daily FaF Smear, Houston Astros, ROCKETS WIN, Texans are really boring right now

NBA Round Two: Best Intangible Players

Fourth and Fifty — Thu, 07 May 2009 16:55:49 -0400

Basketball players that posses intangible skills play crucial roles for their teams.

In my opinion they are just as valuable to the team as the star. Without these key intangible players, these teams would likely be out of the playoffs by now. We here at "Fourth and Fifty" think it’s time to recognize the best intangible players remaining in the playoffs. There seems to be a common denominator among the following players.

1.) Shane Battier
Small forward for the Houston Rockets. Country of Origin, United States. Skin color, delicious caramel (no homo). Battier plays with his mind. He’s kind of like Professor Xavier from the X-Men if he could walk, and play basketball. He keeps the other team from scoring. He commands a defender when he is at the three-point line, so it helps to stretch the defense. Overall Battier is the most important intangible player in the league. The Rockets would be out of the playoffs right now if he wasn’t playing.

2.) Brian Scalabrine
Power forward for the Boston Celtics. Country of Origin, United States. Skin color, translucent (white). Brian plays with a sense of fire and intensity that he draws from his red hair. As of late, he has been playing with a padded headband to prevent himself from looking even remotely cool. This guy will murder you at the three-point line if you leave him alone. Scalabrine’s greatest strength is deception. Players are constantly underestimating him because of his appearance.

3.) Chris Andersen, aka “Birdman”
Center for the Denver Nuggets. Country of Origin, United States (Texas). Skin color, tattoos (white). Andersen is a total bad ass. He’s got the tattoos and Mohawk to back it up.

4.) Sasha Vujacic
Shooting guard for the LA Lakers. Country of Origin, Slovenia. Skin color, white. Sasha incorporates playing dirty to his list of intangible skills. This was made evident in game one of round two versus the Rockets when he elbowed Battier in the face, causing Battier to leave the court for stitches. Vujacic made the list, but not for good reasons.

5.) J.J. Redick
Shooting Guard for the Orlando Magic. Country of Origin, United States. Skin color, white. Redick seems to have finally found his place in the league doing what white guys do best, shooting the ball when they are wide open. Redick has really stepped it up during the playoffs, which is clearly an intangible skill.

6.) Zaza Pachulia
Center for the Atlanta Hawks. Country of Origin, Tbilisi. Skin color, white. There isn’t much to say about Zaza. The Hawks wouldn’t be in the second round without him.

7.) Zydrunas Ilgauskas
Center for the Cleveland Cavaliers. Country of Origin, Lithuania. Skin color, white. Z is the second tallest player in the league behind the "Great Wall" (Yao Ming). As much as the Cavs need LeBron, Z is almost just important to their success.

8.) Jose Juan Barea
Point guard for the Dallas Mavericks. Country of Origin, Puerto Rico. Skin color, white. The undrafted Barea found his way to the biggest choking team in the West. Good luck against the Nuggets.

-Reginald Blackstone

Photos [espn][espn][espn][espn][espn][espn][espn][espn]

Posted in Houston Rockets, NBA, Uncategorized Tagged: Atlanta Hawks, Boston Celtics, Brian Scalabrine, Chris Andersen, Cleveland Cavaliers, Dallas Mavericks, Denver Nuggets, Houston Rockets, Intangible, JJ Redick, Jose Juan Barea, LA Lakers, NBA, Orlando Magic, Playoffs, Round 2, Sasha Vuajacic, Shane Battier, Zaza Pachulia, Zydrunas Ilgauskas

Rockets-Lakers Game 2: "F" Is for Flagrant

Fourth and Fifty — Thu, 07 May 2009 11:08:29 -0400

I did not have a good feeling about this game. In my mind, it was “do-or-die” for the Lakers and the thought of that had me convinced that this was going to be an embarrassing shellacking for the Rockets.

The first quarter did little to dispel the pit in my stomach. With the Lakers' Kobe Bryant firing on all cylinders, things did not look too good.

Lo and behold, the game was tied up by the end of the half. How? I have no idea.

Then the playoff intensity began:

What did not happen in this game?

Lamar Odom was chatting up Luis Scola all night long and finally culminated by Luke Walton stepped in, while everyone was broken up by the referees. What are you talking smack to Scola about, Odom? Was his playoff beard scratching you every time you went for a rebound? Scola was not even talking back. It just goes to show you the kind of gentleman that play for our fine city.
Odom received a technical, while Walton obtained a double technical. Derek Fisher decided to get all Dhalsim on Scola, sending the Argentine to the floor with a wicked forearm and head-butt combination. Fisher got hit with a Flagrant Type 2 and the Rockets suddenly meant business. This should have been the turning point of the game.
Sasha Vujacic, the Machine, is the best at double-dribbling! Best play of the game! Does this happen anymore? I thought that they had eliminated the travel, carry, and mid-range jumper from the NBA.
Von Wafer heads for the tunnel. Craig Sager desperately tries to get the scoop. There’s no scoop. Everybody’s tight-lipped. What happened? Where did everyone’s favorite mohawked assassin go? Why did Adelman kick him off the bench?
As Ron Artest and Kobe Bryant fight for a rebound under the Rockets basket, Artest stumbles backwards as the whistle blows. Foul on Artest. Ron-ron loses it. He’s sprinting around the floor, yelling, throwing, and making believe there are elbows in the air. The referees are having none of it. Turns out they do not reverse their calls. So, instead of continuing to argue with the zebras, Ron, being the level-headed gentleman that he is, approaches Kobe to ask him to come clean about hitting him in the larynx. Kobe denies, Ron continues, referees throw out Artest.
Kobe, who had been egging on Shane Battier all night, makes a sweet shot in the Duke grad’s face three possessions after Artest’s ejection. Being the subtle man we all know him to be, he batters Battier with “you can’t guard me.” Kobe gets a technical foul for taunting. If the refs are going to call this, should they have just preemptively T-up the Black Mamba before the game had started? You know he is going to be a pompous d**k-head at some point during the game. Get it out of the way early.

The Derek Fisher ejection should have been the turning point in the game for the Houston Rockets. They kept their deficit to single digits going into the fourth quarter and we learned in the second quarter they could erase that kind of lead with no problem. But tempers flared, things got out of hand, and Ronny could not keep his mouth shut.

In the end, I will take getting one game in LA before the series comes back to Houston. I did not think it would be done. It was enough for me last night being able to sit there and think, “man, they’ve got a chance to sweep the Lakers on their home court.”

People We'd Like to Sue

Fourth and Fifty — Wed, 06 May 2009 11:07:44 -0400

Since the concept of legal action as a means to channel pent up sexual frustration general annoyance has been on the top of FaF mind as of late, it seemed prudent to come up with an exhaustive list of everyone we’d like to sue. On a related note, we’re looking for new legal counsel since our old one (Shane Shamwow) didn’t immediately pick up the phone during our most current time of need.

Shane, it’s a Sunday, where were you? It’s not like you go to church or believe in Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior.

Dear Reader: if you’re a lawyer, or just an aggressive asshole who has watched too much Law & Order, email us—you might just be the next Fourth and Fifty General Counsel. On to the list.

People We Would Like to Sue

Tracy McGrady.

We’ll sue you for nonperformance on your contract. To start, we want our $21 million dollars back. Next, quit selling your team down the river.

Last, quit showing up to training camp with a potbelly and a beard to hide your double chin. And by the way, is that a Vogue you’re reading in this picture?

Drayton McClain.

We’ll sue you under the freedom of information act to open up your financial records. Are you really losing a ton money and only own the team for the love of the game, even if it bankrupts you?

Or do you make money hand-over-fist but have clever ways of hiding it? We have an accountant on staff, so don’t bullshit us.

Also, just call rebuilding what it is. And admit your team sucks this year.

Sucks. Admit it. Being honest with yourself is the first step toward recovery.

God.

We’ll sue you for breaking the MLB non-compete clause. You’re the one who told Andy Pettite to go back to the Yankees.

Why’d you do us like that, God? I thought we were homies.

Debbie Clemens.

Quite frankly, we’d sue you for this picture alone. Yikes.

But what we’re really suing you for is the “P” word. That’s right—perjury.

How dare you take a bunch of steroids (HGH, whatever, it’s not like anyone really understands the difference) and then let your husband take the blame for years and then come clean before Congress? We spent years thinking poor Roger was a juicer and it turns out it was just you, the entire time!

Charlie Casserly.

We’ll sue you for fraud. You sound so competent on TV, it made the Texans hire you the first time.

How did that work out for us? David Carr, Tony Hollings, Jason Babin, Travis Johnson, et cetera, et cetera. (This is the closest perp-picture I could find.)

Dana Dimmel.

I swear to goodness, I can’t find a picture of Double D on the interwebs.

I spent 20 minutes looking, which is longer than you’ve ever looked for good porn. Admit it.

Here is the funny thing—half of the google image searches for Dana Dimmel are your good buddies at FaF. Look it up.

Anyway, we’re suing Double D for brand dilution. Unless you consider 0-11 something that doesn’t subtract value. Fuck you, Double D. (Still bitter. It’s only been 8 years.)

Clyde Drexler.

Don’t give us that “hey, buddy” look and finger point. We wrote a damn tome on how much we hate you.

We’re suing you for Failure to Appear as the head coach of UH’s men’s basketball team. Oh wait, you were there for the games?

Were you there for the practices? Did you recruit anyone other than Alton Ford?

Did you even try to talk him into staying by saying, “Look, no one wants to draft a pudgy 10 and 8 college freshmen. Do P90X for a summer, come back for a good sophomore season, and then make the jump“?

Did you even call him? Do we have proof?

Vince Young.

We’re suing you for felony murder, since you murdered the concept of titties for the rest of us (see pic).

Bud Adams.

We’re suing you for ne exeat (a legal paper requesting that a person be required to remain within the jurisdiction of the court). Too late? We’ll get Dog the Bounty Hunter to go across state lines to extradite your ass.

Dallas

(Ed Note - the city, not the show, silly). You suck.

Cowboys suck. Mavericks suck.

Stars suck. We haven’t figured out what to sue you for just yet, but be certain it will involve you sucking.

Rice University.

You’re supposed to be an institute of higher learning. But instead we get the MOB, Night of Decadence (really not that decadent), a streaker’s club, and a football team that won’t even accept badass walkons. We’re suing you for false advertising.

Us. Deal with it.

Fourth and Fifty.

We’re suing ourselves for having a hung jury. A well-hung jury, for that matter. Our jury hangs down to our knees. Pwnd, self!

http://itsinhowyouinflect.files.wordpress.com/2008/01/tracy_mcgrady.jpg

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/212/497107229_602bc47c4c.jpg?v=0

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/ef/Michelangelo_Buonarroti_016.jpg

http://moneypennydd.files.wordpress.com/2008/10/debra-clemens_400

May 5: Houston Sports FaF Smear (and Swine Flu Pandemonium)

Fourth and Fifty — Tue, 05 May 2009 01:25:06 -0400

The one where I reminisce about the good, the bad, and the defamatory days of Fourth and Fifty.

"Weeeeeeeeeee!!! Yo so una avioooooooooooon!"

Do you know what’s fun?

No, the answer is not “getting threatened with a law suit.” It’s impossible to have fun when you’re getting threatened with a law suit (by the way CFPA, e-mail me back. I’m a Sagittarius with bright baby blues and I just adore legal long walks on the beach).

What’s fun is being self-deprecating, insulting and a biological hazard all at the same time. Consequently, Hector Reynoso is the most fun guy on the planet. Let me bestow a little bit of knowledge.

Hector Reynoso decided it would be completely appropriate to cough and blow a snot rocket on his opponent. This is probably a little less insulting than pissing on, farting on, or wet-willying your adversary, but you have to take into consideration for whom H-Rey plays. Senor Reynoso is employed by Mexican soccer futbol club Guadalajara Chivas. Apparently, they have a little thing called the Swine Flu running rampant down there.

Mexican clubs have been having a hell of a time trying to convince the South American clubs to play in Mexico because of the pandemic. H-Rey’s target was Chilean footballer Sebastian Penco. I’m sure that all of this will help.

The Wall Street Journal is calling it “The Cough Heard ‘Round the World.“ Cliche-tastic! Mexico is now at war with the South American nations! The “well, they made us feel like lepers” excuse isn’t going far for me if this starts WWIII.

On to yours, ours, and everyone’s Houston sports updates:

Texans

Could the Texans' bubble collapse? Um, yeah! It’s a bubble. Can the Reliant Stadium roof be ripped from it moorings? People didn’t think so, but it did, anyway. So, using my vast investigative journalism background and superior deductive reasoning skills, I can safely stand by my previous statement.

Rockets

No matter who wins this matchup against the Lakers (please let it be the Rockets), it’s safe to say that the true winner is the viewers. There are two YouTube worthy clips by Craig Sager. The first, “Did you call glass on that shot?” is of Ron Artest, who smiles his wicked wicked smile and says, “No, I didn’t call glass.” In the second, Phil Jackson clowns Sager on his suit.

My only bit of analysis on the game: 8:19 left in the fourth quarter—no way that’s a foul on Shannon Brown by Mike Kyle Lowry and Yao Ming pulled a mini-Paul Pierce in the fourth quarter, leaving to the tunnel hurt and coming back to reinvigorate his team to victory. 100-92 Rockets win! I am at a loss for words.

Astros

When I left BW3’s early this evening, the Astros had gone up four to nothing against the lowly Washington Nationals. Easy money, right? Wrong! Leave it to me to think that I could go back home watch a little of FX’s DVD on TV until the Rockets game. Long story short, four to nine loss.

Dynamo

There’s really no reason to post about the Dynamo except that, for some reason, I really like linking to boston.com. Revolution are lacking foot soldiers? They should probably call up Shredder. He may have a few extra handy.

University of Houston

Two, I say, I say, two bits of University of Houston news today. DeAndre Perry has verbally committed to the Cougars. This kid seems legit. Legit, actually, Legit Quit. Philip Hunt has signed as one of fourteen undrafted free agents by the Cleveland Browns.

Rice University

Rice let UH pretend like they had a chance to finish No. 1 in C-USA for long enough. They finished off the rest of the series with two straight wins. Four home runs helped the Owls close out the Cougars six to five.

[Photo legally attributed to DayLife]

Posted in College Football, FIFA, Houston Rockets, Houston Texans, MLS, NBA, NFL, University of Houston Tagged: Craig Sager, DeAndre Perry, Guadlajara Chivas, H-Rey, Hector Reynoso, mini-Paul Pierce, Phil Jackson, Philip Hunt, Ron Artest, Sebastian Penco, swine flu, WWIII, Yao Ming

BCS? More Like BS!

Fourth and Fifty — Mon, 04 May 2009 11:00:58 -0400

That’s a pun from Texas Representative Joe Barton during the House Energy and Commerce Committee on Friday. Your tax dollars at work.

The hearing was to pretend to investigate an alternative to the current BCS system, in the hopes of the government forcing its will upon the people yet again in order to establish a play-off system in College Football. Joe Barton has introduced legislation that would prohibit the NCAA from calling a team the National Champion unless they were determined through a playoff system.

The idea that the US government could fix anything is a joke. But you can’t argue that the BCS isn’t totally fucked (I love a good double negative). The Mountain West Conference is mounting (see what I did there?) a campaign (with a Washington lobby firm and everything!) to get a playoff system in place whereby a 12 person panel would picked the 8 best teams which would play in the Rose, Sugar, Fiesta and Orange Bowls, and then go on to the title game. What they want is basically Football welfare. They want the system to help them out because it seems as though they can’t help themselves.

This seems good in theory, until you remember that panels are inherently wrong most of the time, leading to seven BCS schools getting picked and a TCU or Louisville included to appease the bleeding hearts. And you know what? Maybe that’s because the BCS schools are actually better nine times out of 10.

Did I forget to mention that the BCS was compared to communism because it doesn’t work and it needs to change? I think Cuba would like a word with you, my friend. The people down there would disagree with you. That is, if they were allowed to give interviews from the labor camps.

- Wanks MacGruber

[Image from the Los Angeles Times]

Posted in College Football, Uncategorized Tagged: BCS, College Football, Joe Barton, NCAA

Is ESPN Smarter Than a Baby?

Fourth and Fifty — Mon, 04 May 2009 09:52:36 -0400

You’ll recall that all the ESPN experts made their NBA playoff predictions, as did my newborn baby. I asked her who she liked better for each series, and she responded via coo, smile, or frown, or by spitting up.

Please note I didn’t even pick on the knuckleheads out there, whether at ESPN or the other networks/websites. The guys below, minus Jalen Rose, are serious basketball minds.

If ESPN ever asks for a bailout, I’m going to picket their office with a “Fire J-Ro” shirt on my back. So who do you think did better, the well-compensated analysts, or a Random Baby? Let’s go to the graph:

	LA/Uta	Den/NO	Dal/SA	Hou/Port	Cle/Det	Bos/Chi	Orl/Phi	Mia/Atl	Total %

Abbot	LA	NO	Dal	Port	Cle	Bos	Orl	Atl	6/8
Adande	LA	Den	SA	Port	Cle	Bos	Orl	Atl	6/8
Broussard	LA	Den	SA	Port	Cle	Bos	Orl	Atl	6/8
Ford	LA	Den	Dal	Port	Cle	Bos	Orl	Mia	6/8
Hollinger	LA	Den	Dal	Port	Cle	Bos	Orl	Atl	7/8
Legler	LA	Den	SA	Port	Cle	Bos	Orl	Atl	6/8
Rose	LA	Den	Dal	Port	Cle	Bos	Orl	Mia	6/8
Sheridan	LA	Den	Dal	Hou	Cle	Bos	Orl	Mia	7/8
Stein	LA	Den	Dal	Hou	Cle	Bos	Orl	Mia	7/8
Thorpe	LA	Den	SA	Hou	Cle	Bos	Orl	Atl	7/8

Random Baby	LA	Den	Dal	Port	Cle	Bos	Orl	Mia	6/8

Final	LA	Den	Dal	Hou	Cle	Bos	Orl	Atl

About the same, actually. Four analysts had seven of eight series correct, and the other six had six of eight, which is what Random Baby had. I was gunning for Miami to win because Random Baby would have tied for third, behind only Sheidan and Stein. This seems like an opportune time to mention that Simmons picked the Blazers in five.

Now, one could take issue with the sample size and other statistical problems, especially because each analyst did fairly well (although some of them are lucky Hotlanta stepped up). My response? Screw you, “one!" My newborn baby did as well as most of the experts. This leads to one of three conclusions.

She is a savant (please God let this be true so I can go all Biff’s 1985 Sports Almanac with her in Vegas).
She got lucky (counterpoint: this is the third clinical trial, and she’s aced all three).
Sports really aren’t as complicated as we make them out to be.

Not that all analysis is unwarranted—God forbid we go back to the dark ages of sports analysis. This still exists in some corners of the world—case in point—John McClain’s “Aaah juuust think that Vince Young is a nice Christian boy who loves to play football.” The point is, maybe just maybe, there isn’t some magical chasm between the experts and you and I. Just watch the games and enjoy them for the entertainment that they are.

Posted in Betting, NBA Tagged: Bill Simmons, Chad Ford, Chris Broussard, Chris Sheridan, David Thorpe, ESPN.com, Henry Abbot, Jalen Rose, JJ Adande, John Hollinger, Mark Stein, nba playoff predictions, Tim Legler

Houston Sports FaF Smear, May 4: Von Wafer Is Altered Beast

Fourth and Fifty — Mon, 04 May 2009 06:36:24 -0400

The one where "Is Von Wafer the Altered Beast?" Video evidence says yes. Compare this:

With this:

The video evidence is pretty clear.

I made this observation in one of the Rocket posts from last week, but it might need some ’splainin. Von Wizzile "rose from his grave," if you will, on Thursday and played through a bad back.

This might not sound like a big deal, but if you’ve ever had back problems, you know that you can’t do a damn thing in life. I had a herniated disk in high school, and I’m still complaining about it 13 years later. Von Wafer is a man. A man with a mohawk and big testicles.

Oh, and this:

It's game time foolz!

The other interesting thing is that we got sued for eleventy billion dollars. Rex sent me this text yesterday: “Check your email. We got sued.” Without further detail, and off the top of my head, I thought of 30 things we’ve done that would piss people off, and I’ve been with FaF less than two months.

Some might think of the internet as the decline of Western Civilization, and point to the aforementioned information as proof. This is what I’d say to those people: 8==> O;

On to your Pejorative Falsehood Local Houston Sports Updates...

Rockets

Oh, baby! Here we go. I’d say don’t start no shit, won’t be no shit, but it is too late for that.

Best Music Masher Ever: Girl Talk

If you like song mash-ups (and who doesn’t?), you will LOVE you some Girl Talk. Go get the entire Feed the Animals LP as quickly as possible. Since I’m in a YouTubes mood today, I defy you to watch the below fan-made video and not shake your booty (NSFW, unless your work is totally awesome).

Dear 8 lb 6 oz Baby Jesus, please let Girl Talk have gotten all of his licensing paperwork done right—we can only handle one lawsuit per week. Thank you, Baby Jesus.

Astros

Beat Hotlanta 7-5. Inching toward mediocrity…

Texans

Texanstalk.com reports that Brian Cushing is going to take action against nfldraftbible.com, the site that erroneously reported that he tested positive for steroids.

Cush-Lash, how are you going to sue the Bible? Also, stop doing interviews with media outlets that a) aren’t us and b) aren’t in the city you’ll be playing in. Austin is three hours away! Look on a map. The only thing they care about in Austin is the current state legislative session the Longhorns. How does that help you? Quit alienating us or we’ll post unflattering pictures of you trade you in our Madden Franchise when the game comes out.

Crab grass

I’m taking a second Point of Personal Privilege. Fuck you, crab grass. Spreading so quick and shit. What, because I don’t mow you for 6 weeks, you have to go and grow at a tremendous rate?

Dynamii

Played yesterday (!?!) against the New England Revolution and won. The Dynamo have a really cool website, btw. Check it out. Well played, sirs.

Aeros

Tied 1-1 with the Milwaukee Admirals. I’ve run out of things to say about hockey.

Photo from here. Don’t sue us.

Houston Sports FaF Smear, May 3: Gambla's Paradise

Fourth and Fifty — Sun, 03 May 2009 14:08:19 -0400

The one where I let the spirit of Coolio wash over me…

[For the full effect listen here as you read]

As I walk through the valley of the Churchill Downs
I take a look at my filly
And realize she’s no Big Brown.
‘Cause I’ve been betting and losing so long
That even my momma knows that Mine the Bird has won.
But I ain’t never cropped a horse that didn’t deserve it.
Me be treated like a punk, you know that’s unheard of.
You betta watch how ya bloggin’
And where ya doggin’
Or you and the furlong might be lined with slog.
I really hate to halter my handicap,
As they trot, I try to pick the longest shot.
Fool, I’m the kinda G that likes a lady in a big hat,
On my knees on the track
Saying prayers to Secretariat.

[Chorus]
We’ve been spending most our lives
Living in a Gambla’s Paradise.
We’ve been spending most our lives
Living in a Gambla’s Paradise.
We keep spending most our lives
Living in a Gambla’s Paradise.
We keep spending most our lives
Living in a Gambla’s Paradise.

Look at the Vegas ring, they got me singing,
I can’t live the Filipino life, not part of the Pacific state.
So I gotta be down with the Pacquiao team,
Too much MMA watching, got me chasing dreams.
I’m an educated fool with money on my mind
Got my betting slip in my hand and a gleam in my eye.
I’m a locked in Gambla, blog typin’ banger
And my writers are down so don’t arouse my anger.
Fool, winning ain’t nothing but the second round away,
It’s the gambla life do or die, what can I say?
I’m twenty-three now, will my bookie let me live to twenty-four,
The way this fight’s going I don’t know.

Tell me why are we
So blind to see.
That the longshots
Are you and me?

The underdog and the favorite.

We’ve been spending most our lives
Living in a Gambla’s Paradise.
We’ve been spending most our lives
Living in a Gambla’s Paradise.
We keep spending most our lives
Living in a Gambla’s Paradise.
We keep spending most our lives
Living in a Gambla’s Paradise.

Power in the money, money in the power,
Minute after minute, hour after hour,
All the betters running, but half of them ain’t looking
It’s going on in Nevada
But I don’t know what’s favored.
They say I gotta stop
But nobody’s here to halt me.
If they can’t handicap it, why do they preach to me?
I guess they can’t,
I guess they won’t,
I guess they’re wrong,
That’s why I know I love Lady Luck, foo!

Tell me why are we
So blind to see.
That the longshots
Are you and me? Tell me why are we
So blind to see.
That the longshots
Are you and me?

For the rest of your (non-Coolio driven) Houston Sports Updates...

TEXANS

I don’t know who Rick Gosselin is, but if he’s going to give the Texans an A+ for their draft he’s my new favorite writer. Thanks, Rick. Now go ahead and put your lofty expectations somwhere else. That’s Fourth and Fifty’s job, not yours.

ROCKETS

If Ron Artest is going to start talking shit then I’m all for it. But, don’t think I forgot about that chummy little interview you did with Kobe, Ronny Boy. I won’t forget that. You stared into the eyes of the Black Mamba for second after awkward second. If you’re going to take him out that’s when you should have done it.

ASTROS

Houston’s back on their way to mediocrity. Everybody, rejoice! They beat the Braves 5-1 bringing their record to ten and fourteen. With the win the Astros move into a one-team race for last place in the division. Don’t ever lose hope.

DYNAMO

Set to kick off in less than an hour, the Dynamo are trying for their first ever win against New England in the regular season today. I guess beating them in the championship a couple years back just isn’t good enough.

AEROS

The series with the Milwaukee Admirals is now tied at a game a piece. The Aeros got their asses handed to them, 4-1, yesterday. Hockey in Houston. Catch the fever.

—S. Rex: Professional Blogger

FaF Team Profile: The Los Angeles Lakers

Fourth and Fifty — Sat, 02 May 2009 11:29:23 -0400

On the heels of our award-winning Joel Przybilla biopic, we couldn’t make up our mind about which Laker to cover. Why choose? Obama won so we’re all communists/socialists anyway. Why not cover the entire team? Brilliant! Thanks, self!

Here are your 2008-2009 Los Angles Lakers.

The most ass-centric team ever.

Here are your Los Angeles Lakers of Los Angeles. You look great! I’m just kidding—you look like crap. (Sorry, The Random Baby Momma has Bring It On, Again going in the other room.)

Phil Jack-son, Head Shrink

Lots of titles, all with Jordan and Middle School Jordan (see below). Is he a brilliant basketball mind? Is he even a brilliant psychologist? It is hard to tell because no one has been as self-assured in their intellectual superiority since this guy. Inconceivable!

If I was 6′5″ and smug and had a beard, everyone would think I was smart as shit, too. Also, if the subject of asses was such a huge topic last summer, why did PJ let the Lakers wear short shorts this year?

I’m not a psychotherapist, but could there be a problem with asses somewhere in the Phil Jackson iceberg? How did his childhood potty training go?

Kobe Bryant, Prima Donna

First things first, he is still the best player in the game. Having said that, Slate did an excellent piece several years ago about Bryant’s blatant plagarism of everything Jordan. And he’s done a decent job at it—he’s the Middle School Jordan. Nothing wrong with that.

Nothing wrong with him being a self-contained eco(ego?)system that repulses people faster than Bio Dome. Nothing wrong with the fakeness with which he carries himself and interacts with others.

Nothing wrong with adultery or $4 million bribes. Nothing wrong with stabbing people in the back when it suits your purpose. Nothing wrong with trying to wrest creative control of a documentary covering you.

Nothing wrong with being one of the biggest hot-damned ballhogs in the history of basketball. So I guess I don’t have anything negative to say about Kobe.

Pau Gasol, Effeminate Wingman

Don’t like the hair, don’t like the weak-ass game, don’t like that he circumvented responsibility and the potential of greatness to ride its coattails. (If this didn’t bug me in March, please remember it is PLAYOFF TIME, BITCHES!) He definitely wears the skirt in the Kobe relationship. Not the “butch”, if you catch my meaning.

My meaning is that they’re lesbians, and he role-plays the feminine archetype in said relationship. It’s also slightly disturbing that his little brother is a hardass gansta and Gasol is the embodiment of the effeminate Euro big stereotype.

Andrew Bynum, Projectus Infinitum

See, here is the thing. Every once in a while he does this:

But he’s a 14 and 8 guy. Will he ever not be a 14 and 8 guy? Don’t give me some “the numbers are a product of the system” crap. Only time will tell. Maybe one day he’ll grow to be a 15 and 9 guy. Res ipsa loquitar.

But I really don’t have anything bad to say about the guy, other than he looks like the tall guy from Fat Albert. That show was the shit.

Lamar Odom

Out of respect for his perseverance in overcoming very tough life obstacles, I won’t say anything condescending or inappropriate. He was drafted too high and hyped too much (remember when The Franchise and Cat Mobley lobbied to trade the Yao pick straight-up for Odom?), but he’s matured into a very good player and I’m happy for him.

Derek Fisher

Same as Odom—respect and admiration. Limited point guard, classy individual, great father and man.

Trevor Ariza, Reformed Knucklehead?

Proof that systems make players. Some Eastern Conference team is going to end up giving him an Austin Croshere contract once this recession is over. Until then? Good fit, great value. Can you tell I’m biding my time until Sasha Vujacic?

Jordan Farmar, Premature Evacuation

Everyone (including me) was waiting for him to break out and take Fisher’s job full-time. He does basketball yoga, which is like regular yoga with a basketball-themed mat and instructor that costs five times more than anyone else.

He was even on one of those Fox Sports Science shows that scientifically examined hang time. That was cool as shit. So wha’ happened?

Did he blow his load too early like Seth Green in Can’t Hardly Wait? Pretend you didn’t like that movie, and pretend like you didn’t like Mean Girls. We’ve written about the subject extensively, and you’re a liar.

Sasha Vujacic

The entire profile was going to be on him, but a video is worth 1,500 words:

A Lakers fan with a sense of humor? That makes one.

Adam Morrison, Lost Soul

From his wikipedia page: “Morrissey’s sardonic, literate lyrics tend to be “dramatic…bleak, funny vignettes about doomed relationships, lonely nightclubs, the burden of the past and the prison of the home.”^[3] His “forthright, often contrary opinions” led to a number of media controversies, and he has also attracted media attention from his advocacy of vegetarianism and animal rights.”

Perhaps if he spent more time on his day job than his musical passion he’d find his Stache Power again. Is there any white person in America who didn’t closely follow Morrison and JJ Redick during that magical tournament? Given JJ’s resurgence with the Magic, maybe there is still hope for The Stache.

Everyone Else

Meh. Although I do plan to book DJ Mbenga for my daughter’s Sweet 16. Go DJ!

Rox in 7.

Posted in NBA Tagged: Andrew Bynum, DJ Mbenga, Houston Rockets, Jordan Farmar, Kobe, Lakers Suck, making fun of Lakers, Pau Gasol, Phil Jackson, Rockets Lakers Prediction, Rockets vs Lakers, Sasha Vujacic, Trevor Ariza

May 2nd: Houston Sports FAF Smear: We've Got Armadillos In Our Trousers

Fourth and Fifty — Sat, 02 May 2009 09:37:46 -0400

The one where we try to find a replacement for Moose Knuckle due to spontaneous combustion….

So it turns out that Spinal Tap performed last night at Jones Hall. I don’t know how the fuck I missed this. It was an acoustic performance to highlight the upcoming release of re-created Spinal Top songs.

Sure, there was no Stonehenge, no cocoons, and probably no upstaging puppet shows. But I’m sure these guys still brought the house down, as only “Sex Farm” can. The men who let everyone know that “you can’t dust for vomit” bring the metal, no matter the status of amplifiers nearby.

Just because they had no amplifiers to turn to 11, doesn’t mean that they didn’t just take it to 11 themselves. And isn’t that what we all want in our lives? To be able to take it to 11 whenever the fuck we want? Whether it be on the sports field, in bed, or attacking an Excel spreadsheet, I implore you all to crank it to 11 on a daily basis. Your lives will be that much more enriched because of it. On to the updates.

Cougars: I thought Rice was good at baseball? Turns out, UH is better. Coogs take top spot in C-USA with the win, proving once again that there’s nothing quite like a good Owl fry.

Texans: The time is now, Texans. Add to the roster another one of your incestual bretheren before someone else steals him away!

Astros: Got shellacked by the Braves, thanks to a 4 run 5th inning. You know who else get shellacked? My favorite person.

Rockets: Resting. Waiting. Avoiding pork-related death. Hoping Kobe Bryant gets shot/maimed by a wild board before Monday’s game.

- Wanks MacGruber

Image from here.

Posted in Uncategorized Tagged: armadillos in garments, baseball, Cougars, Daily FaF Smear, Rockets, shellackings, Spinal Tap, swine flu, Texans

Bigger Stronger Faster: A Random Review

Fourth and Fifty — Fri, 01 May 2009 12:31:40 -0400

In the interest of diversifying our FaF portfolio (or because I have ADHD), we are revising our business model to include a wider range of activities. To this point, we have three core competencies: spreading lies, blogging while drunk, and questioning each other’s sexuality. Now we add a fourth: movie and video game reviews, as long as the product is tied in some way to sports. This is the virginal undertaking, so I’ll go easy.

Shit yeah! Target Demographic: Me.

Bigger Stronger Faster (2008, Written/Directed by Chris Bell) is a documentary about steroids. Go ahead and roll your eyes - I did, at first. I don’t like documentaries and don’t give two shits about the steroid controversy. From the Centers from Disease Control, here are several leading causes of death for Americans:

Heart disease: 652,091
Cancer: 559,312
Game 5 Rockets/Blazers: 14
Steroids: 0

Having said that, the cover art has Hulk Hogan standing on pills and posing in front of an American flag, so you knows I’m going to hit that shit. Fo sho.

Final Score: 9 out of 10. Inject it in your DVD player and PUMP IT UP!

Full review…

The movie is a documentary about a guy named Chris Bell, wrestling (quasi-pun) with the intellectual and emotional underpinnings of the steroid debate. He and his brothers grew up idolizing the oversized stars of the early 80s like Hulk, Arnold, Sylvester Stalone, et al. The three brothers sought to emulate their heroes in different fashions: sports, wrestling, bodybuilding, and tried to make full careers out of this passion. They all came up against the issue of steroids, and took different personal approaches. The documentary focuses both on this micro-level familial journey as well as the ur-narrative of regulation, misunderstanding, hypocrisy, and demagoguery.

This is a good time to say that Chris Bell ain’t no Michael Moore. What sets this apart from the agenda-driven hysteria of some documentaries is Bell’s honest yearning for truth. This singular aspect is probably the most interesting facet of the movie, even though it does have some cool-ass montages. He really doesn’t know whether steroids are a good thing or a bad thing, and he doesn’t try to convince you either way. He peels back the layers of not only steroid use but other performance enhancers and the apparent double-standard by which things are judged.

I didn’t know, for example, how common anti-anxiety meds were for professional musicians. I also didn’t know how incredibly unregulated the supplement industry is (thanks, Orrin Hatch!). And who knew that Carl Lewis himself tested positive the summer before Ben Johnson beat him in the Olympics? But even when Bell is calling bullshit, he does it in a humble and polite fashion.

The hardest to watch scene is when Bell interviews Donald Hooton, whose son committed suicide. Hooton was so convinced that steroids were the cause that he testified before Congress and started an organization around the cause. His son was also on an anti-depressant that is linked to suicidal ideation. Bell needed to ask the question of whether steroids was a straw-man for Hooton’s grief, which it obviously was/is, but he handled the subject very delicately.

The film is an honest exploration of one of America’s touchiest subjects, and the best thing it does is leave the viewer to come to his own conclusion.

To recap: There are a lot of cool-as-shit visual gimmicks and montages that would allow even someone as Neanderthal as El Rat to enjoy the flick. It’s worth watching just for the sports archive footage. But beneath the fireworks is an honest and earnest intellectual and emotional journey. It ends with a bang, but a poignant bang that ties everything in the movie together. Make this the one documentary you watch.

Posted in Uncategorized Tagged: Bigger Stronger Faster, Chris Bell, Steroid Documentary, Steroids

Rockets—Blazers: Rockets go Clubber Lang on Blazers

Fourth and Fifty — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 23:05:13 -0400

Rockets won big over the Blazers 92-74. Hey woman, hey woman, bet you stayed up all night, dreaming about a real second round.

We treated the Blazers like they were Rocky Balboa. The game could have been theirs, but we took it from them. A little disrespectful, perhaps, but straight to the point and effective.

Men with mohawks and chains take what they want.

Rise from the grave. That's what badasses with mohawks and chains do.

The stat of the night is that in the playoffs, the Rockets are 4-0 in games they win.

That’s impressive. A Deke sighting, god bless that old man and a James White sighting. Brandon Roy is really hard to root against. LMA is playing like a man, too.

My favorite non-Rockets are: Roy, Danny Granger, and CP3, current playoffs notwithstanding.

My least favorite non-Rocket is: Tracy McGrady.

The Yao/Brooks pick and slow roll for a dunk in the third quarter was the best play of the series. Scola is a borderline all-star. We’ll all be complaining next year about his snub because he doesn’t inflate his stats, mark my random words.

The Celts-Bulls game didn’t end until halftime, meaning everyone in Houston had to watch half the game on My20, which looks even worse on an HDTV than standard.

Does My20 realize that analog was outlawed in February?

Throughout this series, I’ve wanted to make play better Aaron Brooks and Ron Artest. Even during Game 1, I thought Brooks was lucky rather than good. He was starting to remind me of The Franchise. I was all about starting Mike Kyle Lowry and bring Aaron Breezey off the bench for some change-of-pace instant offense. Nevermind, also, Artest had his one amazing playoff game.

I’m a little worried about how his agent uses it this summer, though. Remember, Austin Croshere in 2000?

He parlayed one good playoff series into something like $80 million. That was the worst thing to happen to the Pacers until Ron Artest.

Shane Battier is the only player whose +/- is usually higher than his point total. He also has a degree from Duke in Religious Studies. He’s probably the best person ever.

The FaFU: Beer Goggles, Pirates, A-Roid et al.

Fourth and Fifty — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 15:22:26 -0400

The FaFU: A guide to everything that’s happened in the last week (sports or otherwise) that really gets my goat. But, do you know what really (really) gets under my skin? The fact that nobody understand “FaFU;” not even our own writers. It’s not pronounced “fafoo”or “eff A eff U.” It’s “faf-YOU.” We’re not making our own university. This isn’t ESPNU over at the world-wide leader. The FaFU is my attempt to rebrand Eff You.

Geez! Work with me, people.

Sir? Excuse me, sir? You probably want to get that sore checked out.

10) Beer Goggles - Do we really need to employ a case study to find out if Beer Goggling is real? Tell you what. Just come out with me tomorrow night and we’ll see what kind of talent ends up in the cross-hairs. I’m telling you right now, it won’t be pretty (and neither will she, ZING!). Plus, beer goggling is soooooo frattastic. I’ve upgraded to Scotch goggling. This is going to be an expensive case study.

9) English (Pirate) - For those of you on (the) Facebook, are you aware that you can now change the language on your home page to the dialect of “Pirate?” I am NOT shitting you. Bottom of he page, left-hand side, click “English (US)” and the options get pulled up. Choose “English (Pirate) beta.”

I can’t tell if this is awesome or annoying. Now instead of being single, unemployed and living in my parent's basement, I’m “missing yer wench,” “cap’n of scallywags” and “just’r sawrry losarrrrrr.” (You can be a fan of Fourth and Fifty on Facebook, just so you know)

8) NFL Draft - Congrats to Sebastian Vollmer and all, but fuck you NFL teams. You can’t go on ignoring the University of Houston forever. We will make the big time in the NFL at some point.

You stuck the Kolbatron on the back burner after he was drafted. You Brady Quinned him way too deep in the depth chart (The Department of Redundancy Department). Stop ignoring our prodigal sons.

7) The Pink Sock - Possibly NSFW (and by “possibly” I mean “completely”). Ladies (maybe) and gentleman, I reveal to you the state of our society. Here is a cartoon strip unveiling the Pink Sock. You have been warned here, and you will warned again when you have to click the disclaimer. Or you can just go directly to this censored version.

6) Performance Art - Really? This bus/train/airport/subway stuff has been done. Just because your video title is in some sort of indecipherable language doesn’t make it original. Yeah, “Doe a Deer,” that’s fucking original.

5) Free Hugs - Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for free hugs (as long as it’s your pikachu hugging my squirtle [know what I'm sayin']). But, free hugs from the PoPos is not what I’m about.

Don’t try to make me wear a helmet. I get bad flashbacks. I was the kid with pillows strapped to every limb when I went out riding on my Big Wheel. Some would say my parents were over-protective.

4) MLB Network - Awkwaaaaaaaaaard! “Dude. Dude. What’s wrong with you?” Some guy is getting carted off with a neck brace and you’re wondering if that’s Donovan McNabb helping out the EMS crew? Points for being awkward on live television. Points for being clueless. Just an awesome performance. More. Please.

3) Alex Rodriguez - You were the one hope for baseball and you’ve gone and fucked us all. Why?! Another book is coming out to trash you and your affinity for steroids. I also heard that your “friends,” your “comrades” had a little nickname for you. Bitch Tits, was it? Sure, we’ll stick to that. It’s a classic. Way better than “A-Rod” too.

2) Somali Rapper - “Your ghetto gotz nuthin’ on my savanna, biznatches!” At least that’s what I expect him to say.

1) Texts From Last Night - I usually don’t like to brag about the things I did last night, but if you’re going to give me a medium in which to do so…I’ll reconsider. Some of this stuff is great. For some reason though I can’t get mine to load:

(Pipez) Rollerblading is super-duper hard!!!
(S. Rex) Congrats on coming out of the closet.

- S. Rex: Professional Blogger

Posted in Off the Cuff, The FaFU Tagged: A-Roid, Big Wheel, Free Hugs, MLB Network, NFL Draft, Pirate English, Somali Rapper, Texts From Last Night, The FaFU

ESPN is Mean, Girls

Fourth and Fifty — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 14:27:39 -0400

Does anyone else feel that ESPN is Lindsay Lohan from Mean Girls? Before I launch into the analogy, let’s get one thing clear—you watched Mean Girls, and you liked it. You pretended not to, or you said “I’m only watching it for Lindsay’s big Lohans," but you actually liked it. It was funny and sweet and made you think of your high school experience. Having the talent pictured below didn’t hurt, but you liked it and you probably cried a little.

If you can’t admit that to yourself, then you’re too gay to function. That’s a joke from Mean Girls, and you know it because you own the DVD even if you hide the pink box behind 300 and The Dark Knight.

On to the rant, right after a short picture break…

Raise ur hand if ur a slut.

ESPN really is like Mean Girls. First it was cool and unassuming and had big tits and was knowledgeable of African tribal customs. But then it let success go to its head. It launched 40 channels, hired talent away from everyone else with the Yankee formula of doubling the next highest bid, started running all sorts of ridiculous cross-platform promotions, and wrote some really mean shit about everyone else in a burn book.

Si.com is a dyke. Fox Sports is a crusty little biatch. Yahoo Sports deals drugs. Why would you say such things, ESPN? I used to think you were so cool, but now you’re just like them. I hope you can have a group therapy session with a trust fall at the end. Raise your hand if you are a slut. Being honest with yourself is the first step to recovery.

Since ESPN isn’t ready to admit that they’ve become what they despised, I’ll tell you, dear readers (THE Random Mom plus the other person) what bugs the shit out of me about ESPN.

First, in the interest of fairness (on the interwebs? Unpossible!), I’ll tell you what I do like.

Yaaay ESPN!

Everything they’ve done for sports over the years. Seriously. They made sports cooler and gave us permission to be sports junkies with no shame. You can’t underestimate how important this is to the modern male psyche.
Tuesday Morning Quarterback. Word.
Truehoop and its affiliates. Henry and his boys put in work and they’re a must-read.
Draft Coverage. Hot damn if they don’t kill themselves for that. Best non-holiday day of the year.
Some Original Programming. Black Magic FTW. Through the Fire? Not exactly Hoop Dreams.
Bill Simmons. My thoughts on the subject are clear.

I’d already drafted this rant when Simmons did his podcast with John A. Walsh, but in listening to it I realized that some of the anti-ESPN vitriol is well-deserved. They try to run everyone else out of business ala Microsoft.

But some of the hate isn’t deserved. We as Americans do tend to cheer for David and hate Goliath, even if Goliath is just misunderstood. Should they stop trying to take over the world? I’m not sure. Are we better off because they’ve raised the bar? Yes. Why do I care that ESPN isn’t humble and self-effacing? I don’t know, but I do. Enough soul-searching, let’s get to flaming.

Booo ESPN!

Commericals Within Programming

You’re all nodding your heads. Wherever the line was, and however hard the execs at ESPN thought about each advertising/programming decision, at some point they crossed the line and then pooped on it.

Now SportsCenter is like those Russian nesting dolls: a commercial inside of a program inside of a commercial.

Breaking News

Listen, if a mock draft changes because someone heard something from someone else’s video assistant, it isn’t breaking news. All a mock draft is, is a guess at who teams will draft. It isn’t a real thing! Greg Olson’s reaction to the Cutler/Orton/8 first round picks trade isn’t breaking news. Brett Favre’s interview about how he is feeling emotionally today isn’t breaking news. Brett Favre deserves his own section.

Brett Favre

Seriously, what el fuck? I’m all about man-crushes, but the last few years you stuck a dead rabbit in Mrs. Favre’s stew, ESPN.

Legal Analysis

Michael Vick killed a bunch of dogs. He’s probably going to jail. Plaxico Burrus shot himself. He’s probably getting probation or a few days/weeks at most.

Do we really need ESPN outside of the courtroom every day? What purpose does that serve?

Breaking News—ESPN’s Roger Cossak reports that the judge explained voir dire to the jury.

Breaking News—ESPN’s Roger Cossak reports that the one of the defendant’s lawyer’s paralegals has a cold and will be out today.

Breaking News—Fourth and Fifty reports that ESPN confused itself with Court TV. Speaking of, why did Court TV even continue after the OJ case?

Fake/Real Personality Fights

Are you trying to make Mel Kiper quit so you don’t have to pay his pension? Or do you really think the McShay/Kiper blood feud makes for can’t-miss programming? It probably does, you sick bastards. You created a sub-sub-sub genre. Like the NFL Draft wasn’t niche enough already.

I will say, I did enjoy the Salisbury/Clayton fights, especially when Salisbury would draw cartoons of Clayton. Can’t find it on youtube, sadly. Other than that, I don’t give a damn about two overpaid white guys yelling at each other regarding something with no real-world importance. Again, I’m not even talking about the draft itself, I’m talking about the pre-draft cottage industry.

The whole thing is how they feel certain players and whether teams are going to live up to their standard. If people tune in to watch this, well, we also watch monkeys defecate at the zoo. (The poop counter is at two.)

Overpaying for Talent

Or in Rick Riley’s case, overpaying because you got drunk and lost a bet. Don’t give me any of that, “what the market will bear” shit. NPR nicely covered the paradox between individual incentive and collective gain, pertinent to both business and sports. Privatized gains and socialized losses, that’s the way of the world these days.

Before I lose the two readers who didn’t think they were reading Paul Krugman, let me just say this—overpaying for something is almost always bad, because it hyperinflates the market for the next similar thing. That’s why the Texans had to pay $20 million for Jacques Reeves. Or maybe that was also a drunk bet.

Stifling the Sports Guy

Listen, if Simmons doesn’t have autonomy to take shots at whomever he wants, he really doesn’t have anything else. It’s his dice roll.

Let Dick Vitale et al get booty-hurt. If they can’t take a little good-natured ribbing, then the terrorists have won. Dick Vitale still on TV actually does mean the terrorists have won. Yes, I haven’t yet quit Simmons. I can’t quit him.

Steven A. Smith.

ESPN Deportes

Wasn’t it ironical that I didn’t say anything about Steven A. Smith? Ironical. Re: Deportes - I have no problem with the concept, but why can’t you put some of the Telemundo girls on as anchors? Vota Ya! If you told me that there were some Venezuelan girls who weren’t supermodel hot, I’d believe you. You don’t have to put them on TV to prove it.

ESPN, you’ve already sold your soul. Would this be that much worse than everything else you’ve already done? Are you worried it will compromise your integrity? Really?

The Cross-Promotional Synergy Crap I Mentioned Earlier

I love going to espn.com to watching a video clip of something. I love the four commercials that play before the clip. I love how when the clip finally does play, it is a Sportscenter clip that plugs espn.com. When this happens I lose 10 percent of my brain and get that Keanu Reeves look on my face. Woooah.

There is a lot of other stuff, but you’re tired of agreeing with me go to NBA TV. They won’t get big-time enough to sell out for another 14 months or so. I hear the NFL Network is stepping up, but U-Verse only seems to work for like three people.

Other than that, your options are limited to si.com, which is Sports Canada (i.e. America Junior), Fox Sports which thinks it is totally sweet in a PG-13 type of way, and the internet, which is great…for porn. You missed that song, dear reader, and you’re welcome.

I don’t hate you ESPN. You just need to have an intervention and get back to your roots. I’ll be waiting at the trust fall. Raise your hand if you’re a slut.

Pictures:

1. http://sportsmediajournal.com/wp-content/uploads/espn%20devil%

2. http://www.smh.com.au/ffximage/2006/04/27/fondue_meangirls_wideweb__470

April 29th: Houston Sports FaF Smear (Plus The Spurs Relegated to Sucksville)

Fourth and Fifty — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 06:24:02 -0400

The one where it’s really 5 o’clock in the morning.

The clock is about to strike five in the morning. Do you know where your kids are?

I know this Kidd is at least happy that the Mavericks are out of the first round.

It’s his first taste of Western Conference success since leaving the uncontested confines of the East (yes, I realize that he wasn’t the most successful in New Jersey, but at least they made it to the NBA Finals once). Yeah, sure, they beat up on a Manu-less San Antonio Spurs, but a win is a win… right? 2009 was the right time to make up for the injustices of last year. Even if you are working on behalf of Mark Cuban.

All is fair in love and war. But only if you have won and you get to dictate how history is written. So, for all intents and purposes Manu Ginobili’s absence (my mother’s favorite NBA “star” by the way), had no meaning. The fact that the other role players didn’t/couldn’t step up really doesn’t matter. For we state fans, the only shame comes with the fact that two Texas teams had to square off in the first round (though it doesn’t hurt when San Antonio loses out knowing that Dallas tends to choke….knock on wood).

Tim Duncan had never been knocked out of the first round of the playoffs before tonight. His Merlin-esque skills knew no potion that would be able to quell his competitive spirit. But, all good (and magical) things must come to an end. Mr. Duncan finally knows what it’s like to taste defeat in the early stages of the playoffs. Timmy? Can you answer a question? T-Mac wonders how his “ass tastes." (See? That’s funny because Stacey McLady has never made it out of the first round.)

So… Let’s move on to the Houston Sports updates (since it’s particularly hard to write at this early hour):

TEXANS - Are we not good enough for you, Brian Cushing? You have to go and do an interview with a “reputable” site like the Sporting News? They don’t do shit. They aren’t even from Houston. We’re born and bred, dude. You can’t substitute for that. When you’re ready to come and face the music - the HOUSTON music - look us up. We’re easy to find. Fourth and (mutha fawkin’) Fifty.

ROCKETS - I really don’t want to talk about it. My prediction of Rockets in five was wrong (though I would never admit it face to face). All I have to say is that The Random Baby is still wrong (even if she lacks the cognitive skills to understand that fact). The Rockets will still pull this out; believe you me. Sure, the Blazers might have won tonight. Forgive me if I fail to accept that fact.

ASTROS - I was about to write some in depth analysis about the Astros v. Reds game and then I was distracted by this link: Times of the Internet? Exactly why are you posting about the Houston Astros? I would take the time to peruse your site but I’m much too tired (read: drunk) to comprehend such heavy issues.

UNIVERSITY OF HOUSTON - Dave Maggard retired. Someone at UH asked Mike Pede to apply for the job. Fourth and Fifty already decided who the top five candidates will be to replace DM (Athleticus Directorous). Can you explain to me why the President has picked out a search committee? Clearly, this is not necessary. Personal preference? Dikembe has it in the bag. He has the communication skills to further the University of Houston’s agenda.

Thank you. That is all,

- S. Rex: Professional Blogger

Posted in Houston Astros, Houston Rockets, Houston Texans, NBA, University of Houston Tagged: All is Fair in Love and War, Brian Cushing, Dallas Mavericks, Dave Maggard, First Round Loss, Jason Kidd, Manu Ginobili, Mike Pede, NBA Playoffs, San Antonio Spurs, Tim Duncan

First Madden NFL 2010 Trailer

Fourth and Fifty — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 21:07:00 -0400

This is the first trailer for Madden NFL 2010, exclusive to us gametrailers.com. You can see a heavier emphasis on line play, gang rape tackles, bumping receivers, new tackle/break tackle animations, QBs actually getting rid of the ball under pressure, first downs, and Larry Fitzgerald being a badass.

If you’re not excited for Madden '10, then you’re not American.

Posted in Uncategorized Tagged: first Madden 10 trailer

University of Houston Announces Athletic Director Search Finalists

Fourth and Fifty — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 16:17:56 -0400

In a FourthandFifty.com exclusive, sources at the University of Houston have leaked to us the top five candidates that UH has chosen for the Athletic Director position.

The search committee focused on many different criteria, but the largest factor was independent wealth so that the meager salary would not be a factor in taking the position.

Please note that we have tried to contact other officials at the University of Houston, and no one else could either confirm or deny these rumors.

Dikembe Mutombo

Sources tell us that the candidate was interested in the position after leaving his current position as a Houston Rocket.

His qualifications include fundraising to build a hospital in his native country, a connection to all african pipeline of athletes like himself and Hakeem Olajuwon, and the signature finger wag telling someone to get their weak ass stuff out of here.

However, the committee is said to worry about the health of Mutombo’s knees, and the risks of him constantly traveling back and forth to Africa.

Mr. Manhattan

Sources tell us that Mr. Manhattan has grown bored of both his ridiculously hot wife and living on Mars, and has decided to tinker in the world of athletics. Manhattan is obviously the smartest of all the candidates, however, has not been much of a people person and has no experience fundraising.

Also, the committee was a little repulsed by Mr. Manhattan’s dong, and worries that it might scare away some potential donors, as well as attract unwanted donors.

Bernie Madoff

Sources tell us that the committee was impressed with Mr. Madoff’s ability to convince people to give him money. He sold the committee on numerous ways to invest the money that was donated to the program to get it to “work for them.”

However, his jail sentence and fears that he might use monies donated to improve the athletics program for personal gain worry the search committee.

Mark Cuban

Sources tell us that Cuban is a leading candidate because of his high expectation levels and his passion for sports. Cuban would undoubtedly help the program with his own money, and push for upgrades like team jets with PlayStations.

The committee likes Cuban’s philosophy of putting an exciting product on the field, and trying to sell as many tickets as possible. However, there are questions about his ability to fundraise, and committee fears that he might be too outspoken, pushing away possible corporate sponsors such as Dairy Queen.

Also the committee was quoted as saying “fuck Dallas” and “dancing with the stars is gay.”

Bruce Wayne

Sources tell us that Bruce Wayne is the leading candidate for the position. The multi-millionaire playboy is often seen at high dollar social fundraisers, which is thought to be a positive factor in his own ability to fund raise. Bruce is rumored to have plans to replace 5 Star [the underqualified security company that UH employs for special events] with his own elite security teams.

He also believes in state of the art facilities, gadgets, and equipment to help the athletes gain an advantage on the field. However, Bruce is said to have left his interview early, seemingly before the bat signal was seen in the sky. No word yet on when his second interview will be.

Posted in Uncategorized Tagged: bernie madoff, Bruce Wayne, Cougars, Dikembe Mutumbo, Mark Cuban, Mr Manhattan, Pipez, University of Houston