Bleacher Report - Articles by Barry Beal

Michael Vick Would Add Intrigue to Pittsburgh Steelers

Barry Beal — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 14:25:08 -0400

Being a fan of the Pittsburgh Steelers definitely has its advantages.

You know your team will be highly skilled and competitive each season. You know the basic style of play your team will employ. You know there will be some crazy men running around on defense knocking people’s heads off.

All of that is great for a football fan. But honestly, fellow Steelers fans, doesn’t it get a tad boring around here sometimes? The biggest controversy surrounding the Steelers usually involves how much money Max Starks is making or how many Rooney brothers should actually run the team.

That’s why, Steeler Nation, our team should sign Michael Vick immediately.

Imagine how interesting training camp becomes this summer for a defending Super Bowl champ. Will Vick steal playing time from Ben Roethlisberger? Will Vick be put into a Slash Stewart/Randle El role? The possibilities are endless.

I know what some of you are saying: Why would a team like Pittsburgh even bother with Vick when they are the defending champs without him?

Let me ask you, would you like to see him in a Patriots jersey? That’s another team reportedly interested in Vick. As the Steelers’ chief rival in the AFC hunt, I would think sticking him on the bench on the home side of Heinz Field is like killing two birds with one stone. The Steelers can utilize his talents as they see fit, and the Patriots cannot.

Let’s not forget Mike Tomlin. He comes from the Tony Dungy school of coaching. Dungy, a former Steelers player and coach, is currently mentoring Vick. Is it too much to think that a Dungy stamp of approval would be plenty to make Tomlin take the risk?

The risk, by the way, is likely minimal. Vick will live and play this season under such a tight microscope that I doubt he’d even want to risk attempting a wayward act. Coming to Pittsburgh, he’d be in an organization that is known for running a straight-laced program. It seems like the perfect rehab assignment.

And it would definitely spice up an otherwise dull training camp for the Steelers and their fans.

Barack Obama As Baseball's Commissioner

Barry Beal — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 13:25:18 -0400

Driving home yesterday, the latest news of the presidential election came on the radio. As exciting as economic and health care policies are, I got to thinking about baseball. Commissioner Bud Selig is always under a lot of scrutiny, I thought. So what would Major League Baseball be like with Barack Obama as the leader of baseball?

“I plan on giving salary cap breaks to 95 percent of teams in Major League Baseball,” The Commissioner said. “Teams in the biggest markets and the most successful teams would have to pay more.”

“It’s time to jump on board and be patriotic to your league,” Deputy Commissioner Biden said. “That means you, New York and Boston. Let’s put your money where my hand is.”

During a trip to Florida last Spring Training, a bystander asked a simple question to The Commissioner.

“Mr. Commissioner, my name is Joe Maddon. I plan on turning the Tampa Bay Rays into a contender this season, but under your plan any team that wins more than 95 games will be forced to give up its best players to bad teams. Is that true?”

“Listen, Joe, it’s not that I want to punish your success. But I think that we need to spread the wealth to everyone so that teams behind you have a better chance at beating you next season with your own players.”

The media pounced on Maddon. “Who is this Joe the Manager guy, anyway? Our sources have discovered that he never played Major League Baseball. What can he possibly know about The Commissioner’s Plan for Fairness? We heard that his name may not even really be Joe.”

“Much has been made of Joe the Manager,” The Commissioner said mockingly. “But how many managers of the Tampa Bay Rays have ever won 95 games?”

The Rays did win over 95 games, however, which forced them into a higher win bracket. And with their World Series appearance along with the Philadelphia Phillies, their success will now cost them a higher percentage of their players to the bad teams under The Commissioner’s Plan for Fairness.

“Joe the Manager worked hard and did a good job this season,” The Commissioner said to Deputy Commissioner Biden. “So now we can take more of his good players and give them to teams like the Pirates and Royals who have no clue what they’re doing. These handouts should keep them satisfied and supportive of me. And under the Plan for Fairness, the bad teams are also getting millions from the teams that make the most like the Yankees and Red Sox.”

“And what about the Phillies?” Deputy Commissioner Biden asked.

“Well, those bitter Pennsylvanians are so busy clinging to their guns and religion that they won’t notice us sending Chase Utley to San Diego, Ryan Howard to Seattle, and Cole Hamels to Colorado.”

“I never really cared for the Phillie Phanatic,” Deputy Commisioner Biden said. “Can we deport him to Canada and make him the Blue Jays’ mascot?”

“Yes we can!”

Fantasy Baseball: Beat the Streak, July 8

Barry Beal — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 06:22:42 -0400

Yesterday’s Picks

Dan Uggla, Florida Marlins – DNP

Michael Young, Texas Rangers – 1-5

Tuesday, July 8—Picks lock at 7:00 Eastern

Ian Kinsler, Texas Rangers

As President of the Ian Kinsler Fan Club, it’s pretty difficult to pick against him on Tuesday. In his past 10 games, Kinsler is hitting .571 (24-42), including a four for five effort last night.

Kinsler has a hit in each of those 10 games. Against Angels’ pitcher Joe Saunders, Kinsler is hitting .533 (8-15). Saunders’ opponent’s batting average is at .239, but Kinsler’s recent success suggest he’ll get at least one hit.

Brian Roberts, Baltimore Orioles

Roberts has a great track record against Blue Jays’ starter Dustin McGowan. He’s five for 11 lifetime, with a homer and no strikeouts. Roberts also has hits in eight of his last 10 games. Here’s a stat for you: Roberts is hitting .396 on turf, and tonight’s game is on artificial turf in Toronto.

Fantasy Baseball: Beat the Streak, July 7

Barry Beal — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 03:03:31 -0400

Fresh off a holiday weekend, we can’t let our hitting streaks take a vacation on MLB.com Beat the Streak. The leader had his streak stopped at 48 games last week. Think about that. He was nine days away from winning $1 million. Instead, he starts back at zero and the rest of us still have our shot at becoming rich.

Monday, July 7 – Picks lock at 12:35 Eastern

Dan Uggla, Florida Marlins

It goes against my better judgment as a baseball fan to pick anybody who’s hitting against Greg Maddux. Today, however, Maddux’ numbers against the Marlins’ second baseman are plain “Uggly.” Uggla is hitting .538 (7-13) against Maddux with three doubles, a triple, and a homer. He is also hitting .326 on the road compared with .252 at home.

Michael Young, Texas Rangers

Anybody want to get this guy out? Although his average sits at .292 for the season, Young is hitting .395 in his last 10 games and has an eight game hitting streak. He’s hitting .448 (13-29) in his career against Ervin Santana of the Angels. Santana’s opponent’s batting average is .224, so Uggla likely is the better selection today. Young isn’t a bad second option, though.

Fantasy Baseball: Beat the Streak, July 3

Barry Beal — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 03:50:59 -0400

Today’s selections are a tad bittersweet. They seem to be good picks because both guys are murdering Carlos Silva, the starting pitcher for the Seattle Mariners today against the Detroit Tigers.

Please forgive me for being bitter, though, against the entire city of Detroit because of the Red Wings signing of Marian Hossa yesterday. It’s not enough that they beat the Penguins for the Stanley Cup. Now they’re signing the team’s best available free agent.

Even so, let’s root for a couple of Tigers to beat up Carlos Silva today.

Yesterday’s Picks

Brian Roberts, Baltimore Orioles – 1-3, Double

Chipper Jones, Atlanta Braves – 1-4, HR

Thursday, July 3 – Picks lock at 2:00 Eastern

Carlos Guillen, Detroit Tigers

Guillen is hitting .529 in 32 at-bats against Silva. While the Tigers’ third baseman is only hitting .250 in his past 10 games, he should have no trouble breaking out of that mini-slump tonight against a pitcher whose opponent’s batting average is .310. He has three homers and four doubles against Silva lifetime.

Placido Polanco, Detroit Tigers

Polanco was voted by his peers as one of the most underrated players in the Majors in a recent Sports Illustrated poll. He’s hitting .320 on the season, .351 in his past 10 games, and .438 (7-16) against Silva. In those 16 at-bats, Polanco has not struck out, so expect him to get five plate appearances and to put the ball in play five times.

Fantasy Baseball: Beat the Streak, July 2

Barry Beal — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 03:10:43 -0400

A player on MLB.com Beat the Streak currently has a 46-game hitting streak. That means he's just 11 days away from winning $1 million. My current hitting streak is at two. Maybe he should be the one giving me advice on Bleacher Report.

Nevertheless, I went 2-2 last night. It's good to see the league's leading hitter back in action and legging out a double.

Yesterday’s Picks

Chipper Jones, Atlanta Braves – 1-3

Dmitri Young, Washington Nationals – 1-4

Picks for Wednesday, July 2—Picks lock at 12:05 Eastern

Brian Roberts, Baltimore Orioles

It must be tough to gain respect when you’re in a division with Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez, and the upstart Rays. But Brian Roberts deserves more attention given his talent. He’s an excellent defender and a very good hitter. He’s hitting .295 on the season, and he’s hitting .394 against Royals’ starter Gil Meche.

Chipper Jones, Atlanta Braves

Chipper is back on the field after avoiding a stint on the disabled list. He has another good matchup tonight against the Phillies. Adam Eaton’s opponent’s batting average is .288, and Jones has four hits in seven at-bats against him.

2008: The Baseball Season That Will End the World

Barry Beal — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 08:31:19 -0400

The Rays are in first place. Obviously, the world’s coming to an end.

You knew it had to be too good to be true that the New York teams were struggling to stay in contention as we enter July.

As soon as August, none of it will matter. The world is coming to an end.

That’s the fear of some scientists as the world’s largest and most powerful atom smasher makes its debut next month. Not since the strike of 1994 has a baseball season been interrupted, and this season has been just as crazy as that one was.

In 1994, the Montreal Expos were in first place with the second smallest payroll in Major League Baseball. Matt Williams was on pace to shatter the seemingly unbreakable record of 61 homers set by Roger Maris. And Tony Gwynn was hitting .394 at the time of the strike.

While the strike was a tragic event and affected baseball for years to come, something tells me the end of the world could be somewhat more disastrous.

It figures that we won’t get to see the Tampa Bay Rays play in October. It’s the first year they don’t have “Devil” in their name, and el Diablo hatches a plot to ensure they regret the omission.

How’s it going to end? One theory states that the Earth will be swallowed by a black hole created by this machine. It’s not all gloom-and-doom, though. Barry Zito is hoping that’s where he can find his vanishing talent.

Scientists rate the chances of global catastrophe at a mere one in 50 million. Or, about roughly the same chances Texas outfielder Milton Bradley gets through this season hitting over .300 and not be suspended at least once.

Speaking of the Rangers, it is a shame we won’t get the chance to see Josh Hamilton compete for the first Triple Crown since Carl Yastrzemski did it in 1967. That was two years before Apollo 11 and the first man on the moon.

Forty-one years later, that same technology that took us to the moon may suck us into a black hole with the Royals and Pirates.

By the way, remember that old saying that the only three things in life that are certain are death, taxes, and the Cubs will never win the World Series? With the team having one of its best chances in 100 years to win the title, this little atom smasher debacle seems like a cruel trick to play on fans of the Lovable Losers.

There is one more thing you can count on, too. Fans of the Yankees and Red Sox will blame the other for letting the Rays slip into first place and dooming us all.

Beat the Streak: July 1

Barry Beal — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 06:39:05 -0400

Yesterday’s Picks

Brandon Phillips, Cincinnati Reds – 2-4

Juan Pierre, Los Angeles Dodgers – DNP

Tuesday, July 1 – Picks lock at 6:55 p.m. Eastern

Chipper Jones, Atlanta Braves

In the week since I began picking players, I’ve yet to pick Chipper Jones. I know that he's been injured, and it seems as though he will be placed on the disabled list today. Remember, if he goes 0-0 in a game, your streak doesn't end.

If he does somehow play tonight, he could break loose tonight against Kyle Kendrick. You may remember Kendrick as the Phillies’ pitcher who was pranked into thinking he was traded to Japan for Kobayashi, the hot dog eater. Kendrick’s opponent’s batting average is .280, and Jones is hitting .500 (5-10) against him in his career.

Dmitri Young, Washington Nationals

Speaking of hot dog eaters, Dmitri Young looks like a viable candidate to get a hit tonight. Young is hitting .727 (8-11) against Florida hurler Mark Hendrickson. Hendrickson’s opponent’s batting average is .287. Anytime a pitcher’s OBA is higher than Dmitri Young’s weight, you just have to go with him.

Beat the Streak: June 30

Barry Beal — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 08:20:34 -0400

I hate technical problems. It's just after 3 PM, and I've been having trouble with the wireless internet. It's funny how much trouble technology causes us.

Ten years ago, would you have thought that in one day, you could have internet trouble, text messages that wouldn't send, an IPod that wouldn't let you transfer music (without even using CDs), and maple bats that look more like Medieval spears when broken.

Even so, it's time to pick today's MLB.com Beat the Streak hitters. The deadline isn't until 7 PM tonight, so no need to worry.

Monday, June 30—Picks lock at 7:00 Eastern

Brandon Phillips, Cincinnati Reds

As a Pirates fan, I get to see the team basically every day. Paul Maholm is an improved pitcher, for sure, but it hasn't been enough of a turn-around to warrant picking against a guy who is hitting .391 against him in 23 at-bats.

Maholm's ERA is 4.41, opponent's batting average is .283, and the rain saved him from a possible shelling by the Yankees on Thursday night.

Juan Pierre, Los Angeles Dodgers

The man with a Spanish first name and French surname says "Si, Senor," when it comes to hitting Roy Oswalt. Pierre is hitting .444 (12-27) against Oswalt since 2003, and his style of slap hitting works perfectly against a hard thrower like Oswalt.

Beat the Streak: June 28-29

Barry Beal — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 07:29:23 -0400

As you may or may not know, I am a gigantic Pittsburgh Pirates’ fan. I had the chance to attend the Bucs’ game against the Yankees Tuesday night at PNC Park. In front of a full house, the Pirates blistered the Yankees for 12 runs on 19 hits.

Even though they were shut out the next night, 10-0, Pittsburgh has shown throughout the course of the season that they can hit with anybody. They are third in the National League in runs scored.

They won’t make the playoffs this year, but perhaps they can halt the 15-year losing streak to prevent tying the Phillies for the worst streak in American professional sports history. This year is their best chance in a long time.

Here’s the weekend scouting report for MLB.com’s Beat the Streak competition.

Saturday, June 28—Picks lock at 1:02 Eastern

Derrek Lee/Aramis Ramirez, Chicago Cubs

Lee is hitting .429 against White Sox pitcher Javier Vasquez. Ramirez is hitting .438. I guess this technically is cheating to have two players count as one. It was just too difficult to separate them because of their outstanding numbers. Lee is hitting .324 in his past 10 games, Ramirez is hitting .300 with five homers in that same span.

Derek Jeter, New York Yankees

Jeter blistered the Bucs during the week, and his hot hitting should continue Saturday against the Mets. Although Johan Santana and his .249 opponent’s batting average face the Bombers and Jeter, he’s managed a .421 average (8-19) against the perennial Cy Young contender. He also has a 13-game hitting streak through Wednesday’s action.

Sunday, June 29—Picks lock at 1:00 Eastern

Casey Kotchman, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

Guys like Casey Kotchman don’t get much publicity in the eastern part of the United States, but this boy can hit. He’s on pace for nearly 200 hits this season, and he is hitting an even .300 on the season. Sunday’s pitching matchup is Derek Lowe, against whom Kotchman is hitting a measly .600 (6-10). Kotchman is also hitting .326 on the road compared to .273 at home.

Milton Bradley, Texas Rangers

Bradley is on fire in the month of June. After hitting .321 in April and .326 in May, Bradley is up to .367 this month. Bradley is also hitting .429 (6-14) against soft-tossing Jamie Moyer. He’s also hitting .375 against lefties and .390 at home. I’m also 2-2 with Texas Rangers, thanks to Ian Kinsler, and I have little doubt Bradley will stop that trend.

Beat the Streak: June 27

Barry Beal — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 02:48:17 -0400

It’s always better to look at the glass as half-full. Yesterday, I said Carl Crawford would get five plate appearances. He did. I also said he would get at least one hit. He didn’t. On a brighter note, Ian Kinsler continues to make me look good. Crawford was my selection in my Beat the Streak game, which ended at seven yesterday.

Check back this afternoon for the Saturday and Sunday picks. I’m sure the last thing you’d like to do while enjoying a nice weekend away from the office is to check your Beat-the-Streak hitters.

Yesterday’s Picks

Carl Crawford, Tampa Bay Rays – 0-5

Ian Kinsler, Texas Rangers – 2-4

Friday, June 27—Picks lock at 2:00 Eastern

Aramis Ramirez, Chicago Cubs

Ramirez is hitting .500 (7-14) against White-Sox starter Jose Contreras. Four of those seven hits have left the ballpark. In addition, he hasn’t struck out against Contreras in those 14 at-bats. While Contreras has a decent ERA (3.96) and opponent’s batting average (.253), Ramirez had two hits in each of his past five games, with four homers before yesterday. The Cubs’ third baseman is also hitting much better against righties (.314) than lefties (.268).

Russell Martin, Los Angeles Dodgers

The Dodgers’ catcher is hitting .625 (5-8) against Los Angeles/Anaheim/California pitcher Joe Saunders. He’s also hitting .289 in his last 10 games. He also had a six-game hitting streak prior to an 0-4 outing yesterday.

Beat the Streak: June 25

Barry Beal — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 04:07:46 -0400

Want to win $1 million? If you stick with me, you can have it by late August.

Who says there’s no such thing as easy money?

MLB.com’s fantasy game, Beat the Streak, gives fans a chance to pick one player a day to get a hit. That’s all you have to do. Get it right for 57 consecutive days, and you are a millionaire. The best part is that the game is free.

Sure, nobody has done it yet, and the all-time high is 49 straight, but together, we can do it. So watch out, Joe DiMaggio, it’s time for Bleacher Report to assault your hallowed record.

After searching the internet for advice, I quickly found out that there wasn’t any! So in my frustrations over not having some help in this game, I’ll do the research and offer some advice of my own.

Here’s what I’ll offer every day. Two players who give you the best chance of getting a base hit that day. That’s it. You pick one of the two and join the thousands who play in praying that he gets a hit that night.

I’ll try to have it posted by 10 AM each day, because the picks are locked five minutes prior to the first pitch of the first game that day.

Wednesday, June 25 – Picks lock at 12:55 Eastern

Ian Kinsler, Texas Rangers

Kinsler is 4-9 against Roy Oswalt. He has a homer and a double against the Astros’ pitcher. Kinsler also has a hit in six straight games. He’s hitting .324 against righties and .318 in the month of June.

David Wright, New York Mets

Wright is 2-7 lifetime against Seattle’s Miguel Batista, good for a .286 average. While that doesn’t look too spectacular, one of his hits is a homer, and he’s only struck out one time. Wright’s hitting .281 at home and .283 at night. To top it off, Batista's ERA is 6.00 and opponents are hitting .300 for the season.

The Objectivity of Fans

Barry Beal — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 07:06:29 -0400

You’re sitting at the ballgame with some friends, or you’re watching it on TV at a bar or a friend’s house. It’s a crucial moment in the game, and your friend innocently says, “Man, we need a hit right now,” or “We have to stop this third-down play.”

Say what? We need a hit? Are you on the team?

Some people feel that being a fan entitles them to speak inclusively of their team, while others disagree. How do you feel? Let’s take a look at the argument for saying “we” in reference to a team that you support.

The “we” fans think of themselves as part of the team. In their minds, their contribution to the winning effort is their steadfast support.

This is particularly true of NFL fans. With faces painted and brains inebriated, these fans take to the stadiums to vocalize support for their favorite 53-man band of warriors. The fans change the game, after all. Why else would teams need a silent count?

Fans are technically minority owners with their purchase of tickets and merchandise. “We” fans can also argue that they were fans of the team long before the current players and coaches were there, and they will be fans long after they’re gone.

Why do we do this with sports teams, though? What makes us identify so heavily with them? As some have said, all we are really rooting for is laundry. With free agency in pro sports, and early defections and transfers in college athletics, the only constant remains the uniforms.

I don’t personally use the word “we” very much in terms of sports teams. Even though that’s the case, I don’t think this practice should be totally looked down upon. What we need are some rules.

1. You may say “we” for any institution that you attended.

Your high school and your college both count as “we,” regardless if you played for them or not. The teams represent the school and the alumni.

2. You may use “we” for professional teams as long as it’s in a fan environment.

At the bar or at the game, it’s okay to call them “we” when you’re with your friends. Please, though, stop using it when calling in on sports talk shows or in any circumstance speaking with somebody who is actually on the team. Telling a player after a loss, “We really should have won that one,” makes you look like a fool.

3. You cannot call more than one team per sport “We.”

So your team missed the playoffs. While that’s too bad, we cannot have you jump on the bandwagon of some other team who did make it. I don’t care how many T-shirts you buy or how many games you claim to have watched of your mistress team during the season, it’s not acceptable.

Hopefully these rules help. While this isn’t a practice I necessarily condone, because of the ease with which people can go overboard, I still think fans have some right to refer to themselves as part of the team.

Pittsburgh Pirates: Whew!

Barry Beal — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 08:38:56 -0400

The Pittsburgh Pirates won last night, 12-11 in 12 innings.

While that may seem like a standard line on a news report, it turned out to be much more than that.

For better and for worse, this was unlike any Opening Day the Pittsburgh Pirates have ever had.

First, let’s go with the better.

New manager John Russell got his first win, becoming the first Pirates’ skipper to win his first game at the helm since Gene Lamont in 1997. Jim Tracy didn’t win his first game with the Bucs until the final game of the opening season road trip.

I think Russell will be fine, but I’m fairly certain his hair will be thinner and grayer by September.

The other good sign was the pounding the offense put on the Braves' pitching.

Sure, the Braves committed three errors, and the Pirates were 5-for-22 with men in scoring position, but Xavier Nady’s two home runs and four RBI put him on a pace Ruth, McGwire, and Bonds combined couldn’t match: 324 homers and 648 RBI.

Even if the Pirates don’t score double-digit runs each night, an enlightened offense will be necessary if the outfielders don’t learn how to call a fly ball. A routine fly ball, mind you, which would have ended the game at 9-7.

But, again, these are the Bafflin’ Buccos.

Nate McLouth and Jason Bay forgot the rules of playing the outfield that most of us learned in Little League. The ball fell harmlessly to the turf at Turner Field, plating two and tying the score. Hey, Nate, as the centerfielder, it’s your ball. Call it!

Luckily, Nady’s home run in the 12th saved the day. For the Pirates, a win is a win whenever you can grab one.

You usually don’t consider the formula for success to include blowing a five-run lead in the ninth with your two best relievers, but I can guarantee Russell won’t forget his first big-league victory.

Only 161 more of these.

The First Federal Penitentiary League Draft

Barry Beal — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 07:44:54 -0400

ESPN is always looking to expand its programming options to viewers, so here is a taste of what we may see should athletes continue to behave poorly.

Chris Berman: Welcome back to the 2008 Federal Penitentiary League Draft. Chris Berman here with Chris Mortensen and Mel Kiper, Jr. The next team on the clock, picking 17th here in the first round are the Hartford Hoods. Mort, where should the Hoods be looking?

Chris Mortensen: Well, Boomer, the Hoods need an enforcer—somebody who can go into the cell block and really bash some heads.

Chris Berman: Let’s head to the podium, and, once again, here’s Commissioner Michael Irvin.

Irvin: With the 17th selection, the Hartford Hoods select, Barry Bonds, lying to a federal grand jury.

Berman: So Bonds heads to Hartford. Mel, kind of a surprise selection here at 17?

Mel Kiper, Jr.: Well, Boom, you gotta love the resume Bonds comes into Hartford with. He’s definitely got the body after years of using the Clear and the Cream to withstand the punishment in that division. His hat size has grown from 6 ¾ in 1990 to 8 ½ in 2008, so he is much less likely to suffer a head injury. Bonds is a little on the old side, but I still think it’s a good move for Hartford to add some veteran leadership to a very young team.

Mortensen: That’s true, Mel. Hartford just signed 13 Florida State football players in free agency, so this veteran leadership will surely help.

Berman: Here at pick 18, it’s the second selection of the first round for the Texas Thug Life. With the second overall pick, they took a flier on Pac-Man Jones. Pac-Man only agreed to join the Thug Life if his curfew is extended until 6 a.m. and a strip club was built on prison property.

Irvin: With the 18th selection, my homies, the Thug Life, select Chris Henry, various crimes ranging from DUI to drug use to providing minors with alcohol.

Mel: So the Thug Life head back to the fertile ground of the West Virginia University football team to nab Chris Henry, a sleeper falling all the way to pick 18. This guy has all the intangibles of a valuable addition to this team: he doesn’t learn from past mistakes and is dumber than dirt. He really helped his draft stock at the combine when he stole $3,000 worth of jewelry from New York head coach Mike Tyson’s office.

Mort: That’s right, Mel. When Tyson set his pet tiger loose on Henry, he showed exceptional agility to avoid being eaten alive.

Berman: So, for those of you joining us late, here’s a look at the Top Five selections. A pretty clear No. 1 overall, Roger Clemens heads to the Georgia Gangsters. Second, of course, was Pac-Man Jones to the Thug Life. With the third pick, Las Vegas team president Pete Rose surprised Mel by choosing golfer John Daly. Rose told us he wasn’t sure if Daly was big into gambling. With all of Daly’s other vices, however, Rose bet us he would be a solid addition.

Mort: With the fourth pick, the Yakima Yard Dogs selected Michael Vick. And rounding out the Top Five, the ghetto-fabulous St. Louis Soldiers went with Ray Lewis. He was acquitted a few years back in murder cases, but the team still feels he has outstanding potential.

Berman: Let’s head back to the Commissioner.

Irvin: With the 19th selection, the Pennsylvania Punks and Hustlers select, Cedrick Wilson, former Pittsburgh Steeler, bitch-slapping his woman.

Mel: Well, this just goes to show what some recent activity can do to your draft stock. Wilson was probably a late-round selection after an initial altercation with this woman, but he skyrocketed up the draft boards last week.

Mort: That’s right, Mel. Wilson walked into a crowded bar, sat down next to this woman, and allegedly punched her in the face before quickly leaving. He never had the guts to go over the middle in pass routes, but this took some guts to punch a woman in front of about 90 witnesses.

Berman: Mel, who’s left on your ‘Best Available’ list?

Mel: Todd Bertuzzi nearly broke Steve Moore’s neck during a game in 2004 and was charged with assault. And there are plenty of other viable candidates still on the board.

Berman: Time for another break. When we come back, we’ll sit down and talk with the president of the Los Angeles Bandits, OJ Simpson...