Bleacher Report - Articles by Frankie

Humour vs. Humour: Why Novak Djokovic's Saturday Won't Be "Super"

Frankie — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 08:10:40 -0400

(For the wrong viewpoint in this Humour vs. Humour collaboration, please read Robert’s article. You may also like to check out Robert’s article if you enjoy fantasy writing.)

Introduction

Unless you have taken a particularly long vacation to Mars of late, you will be sure to have heard of the living legend that is Roger Federer. You may not even follow tennis that closely, but you definitely know who Roger “Greatest of All Time” Federer is.

You know he makes Pete Sampras look average.

You know he can change a diaper whilst hitting a crosscourt forehand winner (and still not break a sweat).

You know his trophy cabinet strains under the weight of its contents.

You know, deep down in your heart, that even if you proclaim to be a fan of the Spanish kid, you really prefer the Swiss maestro.

You know that even though I’ve used “you know” in this article six times already, Federer would still be able to say “you know” more times than me and in a shorter space of time.

In fact, you know that Mr. Federer is the best thing since sliced bread. Actually, you know that he is far better than sliced bread; sliced bread didn’t get its own stamp.

So then you must also know that it is pretty much a waste of time writing a "Creature vs. Creature" article when one of the players is called Roger Federer.

Hold on...so why am I writing this again? Oh yeah, because it feels goooood, and this is not "Creature vs. Creature." This is "Humour vs. Humour" (a much more highbrow type of series).

Perhaps it is worth mentioning something about Federer’s opponent in this introduction. His name is Novak Djokovic.

Will Win If

Oh purleease! As long Mirka has booked the limo and the Fed-Express rolls up to court on time, he is going to win it. In fact, it is not really worth Djokovic even turning up. I recommend that he finds something more pleasurable to do with his time than be beaten by Roger again; a spot of tiddlywinks, perhaps?

Djokovic is neither Spanish nor left-handed, and none of his uncles are called Toni (as far as I know). 'Nuff said.

Will Lose If

Are you kidding me? Weren’t you listening to what I said in my introduction? We are talking about Roger “History Books” Federer.

Some people may foolishly bring up the head-to-head record and mention that Djokovic is the only person, other than “He Who Must Not Be Named,” to have beaten Federer in a Slam in recent years.

I have only one response to that: “Mononucleosis.”

In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if Djokovic had bribed that pesky virus to infect Mr. Invincible (don’t ask me how).

If any of Djokovic’s fans bring up Federer’s losses to Djokovic earlier this year in Miami or Rome, I would hate to break it to them, but Federer had a very good reason for both losses. Being the gentleman he is, he did not wish to make excuses, but I am sure he would not mind if I broke the news for him.

1. In Miami he simply couldn’t be bothered as he wanted to get down to South Beach for some sun, sea, and sand. He was so cross that he had managed to win a set and prolong the match that he smashed up his racket—he had already booked his beach chair and umbrella and knew he wouldn’t be able to get a refund.

2. In Rome, he ate far too much spaghetti and pizza in the rain break. Mamma mia!

So unless Federer is dying to visit the Empire State Building (which is unlikely, seeing as he has been there at least five times already) or has overdosed on New York’s finest cheesecake, there isn’t going to be an ounce of hope for the Serb.

There is really only one way that Djokovic could win this. It’s a far stretch, but if he decides to do his best Federer impression on the court whilst actually playing Federer then he might have a shot.

Intangibles

1. Federer’s box is often harbouring a well-known celebrity face. Anna Wintour and Gavin Rossdale are regularly seen cheering him on. Now that Djokovic has Todd Martin in his camp there could be some serious competition on the “who’s got more famous faces in their box” front.

Should things get out of hand, I would pick Wintour over Martin every time—she has a steely gaze (which is probably why she wears those huge shades). I definitely wouldn’t want to mess with her. Plus, she is likely to knock your confidence unless you are looking uber chic, which, I’m afraid to say, Mr. Martin is not.

2. Federer has an immaculate sense of style. If Nole couldn’t beat him when he was Darth Federer, how is he going to beat him when he is Sith Lord Federer? If you look good, you feel good...and Federer feels reeeeaaaal good.

Nole could up his chances if he decides to go for something trendy in the fashion department. Preferably not this dressing gown, though it could help him if some strong winds are forecast for Super Saturday. A pair of nipple tassels could also increase his confidence.

Lines To Look Out For

Todd Martin (whispers to Marian Vajda who nods in response): “Do I get a bonus if he makes the final?”

Todd Martin (screams at Nole): “Do your Rafa impression! That might work!”

Roger Federer (when he wins): “Who’s the Daddy?”

Robin Soderling (shouts to Nole): “Come on! No-one beats me 12 times in a row and gets away with it! Would you like to borrow my magic towel?”

Prediction

Federer wins (duh!): 6-0, 6-0, 6-1.

(He has a kind heart and doesn’t want Novak to feel really bad.)

N.B.: This is intended as a humour piece. I think Novak Djokovic is a fantastic tennis player and this article was not an attempt to slight him in any way. (But Roger is still the best ;-)

Humour vs. Humour: Why Djokovic or Verdasco Will Make the US Open Semifinals

Frankie — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 14:33:47 -0400

Introduction

After some intense calculations, the author of this piece has worked out that either Novak Djokovic or Fernando Verdasco will definitely make it as far as the semifinals of this year’s US Open. How does she know this? Let’s just say that a PhD in Advanced Slam Statistics has its uses.

So the time has come to take a quick (and humorous) look at who is the more likely to make it to the final four. Will it be the man who is so hot he can fry sausages on his chest? Or will it be the guy who has more tennis impressions in his repertoire than...well...Andy Roddick.

(Does anyone really care? We all know who is likely to knock them out in the next round. But it’s worth a look anyway.)

The two have met on five previous occasions but that doesn’t matter. No, no, no! There are far more important things to discuss than match records or styles of play.

Let’s take a look at some really important factors that are going to affect this match.

Verdasco Will Win If

Nole spots a cute girl in the audience and decides to impress her by making a balloon poodle, getting his boy band to perform a song with him, displaying an interesting pair of nipple tassels, performing a seal-like trick with his (head) tennis racket and then imitating a scene out of Flashdance. (Nole sure knows how to win us ladies over!)

Verdasco will not even need to hit the ball in this scenario as the umpire is more than likely to penalise Nole after already having given him a time warning over some enthusiastic ball-bouncing before a serve.

Djokovic Will Win If

A large group of girls spot Fernando Verdasco.

Needless to say, if your opponent has left the court with a whole bunch of women, you are pretty much certain to win. Hence Nole should benefit from this situation.

Intangibles

1. Johnny Mac decides that he enjoyed his time in the spotlight on Arthur Ashe stadium with Nole on Monday night so much that he runs out of his commentary box and on to the court. Mac then teams up with Nole to take on Verdasco, who looks seriously miffed and screams "You cannot be serious, no?"

2. Nole looks down the other end of the court and sees a handsome left-handed Spaniard and starts to believe that he is playing Rafael Nadal. When he accidentally looks directly into the bright lights over the stadium, the court begins to look more orange than blue and Nole becomes convinced that it is Rafa on the other side of the net. This will not be good for his mental well-being.

3. Andy Roddick decides to come and watch the match in which many expected him to be playing before American dreams were extinguished by an American. Andy jeopardises proceedings by shouting “Bird Flu!” at the top of his lungs at every change of ends.

4. Verdasco used to date Ana Ivanovic, who is from Serbia, just like Djokovic. The author is not quite sure why she has included this fact, but it sure does feel intangible.

Lines To Look Out For

Djokovic: “Would you like to see my Rafa impression? Or are you more of a Roger girl?”

Prediction

The outcome of this match is unpredictable. It depends on lots of intangibles. Please see above.

Andy Murray: Another Slam Passes Him By

Frankie — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 18:13:23 -0400

It was reminiscent of the 2009 Australian Open: A certain Scot was declared a strong favourite for the title. A certain Swiss smiled when asked whether he thought a certain Scot should have been made a favourite for the title. A certain Scot exited in the fourth round.

However, the exit of Andy Murray from this year’s US Open was much more lacklustre in its manner than his departure from Melbourne earlier this year. Whereas Murray’s departure in Oz involved a thrilling five-set encounter with Fernando Verdasco, New York saw a dismal straight-sets defeat at the hands of Marin Cilic.

The newly crowned world No. 2 had beaten Cilic with some ease in their two previous encounters. It is therefore safe to say that many did not exactly consider the young Croat with the big serve to be a huge threat to the Scot.

Everything pointed to Murray taking the match pretty comfortably: He recently won the Montreal Masters, made the semifinals in Cincinnati, and now stands as second only to Roger “Greatest of All Time” Federer in the rankings.

Having made the finals in New York last year and having had his best year on tour, it looked like the time had finally arrived for Murray to win his maiden Slam.

In comparison, Cilic had not had the best hardcourt results coming into the Open. Although he is a rising star on the men’s circuit, the 20-year-old Croat made early exits in Washington, Montreal, and Cincinnati.

This makes Murray’s exit the most shocking of the tournament so far (yes, even more shocking than the departure of Dinara Safina). In fact, there have only really been two big shocks on the men’s side in this year’s US Open, and both shocks have involved players called Andy.

The first set of the match was a close-run affair. However, at 5-4 Murray failed to capitalise on two set points, marking the way for a Croatian comeback. Cilic grabbed the opportunity with both hands by breaking Murray in the next game and then closing out the set, 7-5.

After that, things went from bad to worse for Murray. The Scot, who looked out of sorts throughout the match, then lost his next two service games to gift Cilic a 4-0 lead.

Admittedly, the Croat was playing some phenomenal tennis, using his powerful serve and booming forehand to take control of the point and get Murray running ragged all over the court. Murray, one of the best returners in the game, was just not being allowed to get into any of the Cilic’s service games.

Murray finally managed to get some joy with his serve in the fifth game of the second set. However, he still could not find a way to break the Cilic serve, and the second set was also a lost cause, with Cilic winning it 6-2. What was particularly shocking about this set was that Cilic was only serving 31 percent of first serves, compared to Murray’s 81 percent, yet Cilic still managed to win it comfortably.

The third set went pretty much the same way as the second. Although the British No. 1 looked lethargic, many of his fans were still waiting for the miracle comeback in the style of his famous fourth-round meeting with Gasquet at Wimbledon. But that was not to happen.

Cilic did not let up, and Murray was not displaying his usual signs of urgency. The Scot did not smash his hand against his racket or shout at himself at all. There was no roaring. There was no bellowing. In fact, it seemed as though he was resigned to his fate.

Cilic, who has never been further than the fourth round of a Slam, again broke Murray twice in the third set. He then held his nerve to serve out the match and win it 7-5, 6-2, 6-2 in two hours and eight minutes.

So Britain’s hopes for a Slam winner have once again been put on hold.

It was certainly a bad day at the office for the British No. 1, who, along with possibly suffering a left wrist injury, generally looked sluggish and uninspired out on court. He managed to hit only 13 winners compared to the 35 coming off the No. 16 seed’s racket.

After this match the questions about whether Murray can really win a Slam are bound to resurface: Can he win with such a defensive style of play? Does he have the mental strength to win a Slam? Is he fit enough to win seven best-of-five matches? Is he just a Masters event-type player? Has the hunter become the hunted? Is the pressure getting to him? Are there just too many great players on the men’s tour at the moment? Won't it just get harder as more time passes by?

The list goes on...

The boy is still only 22 years old and has just had the best year of his career. This relatively early exit from his favourite Slam is sure to be a big disappointment for Andy and his many fans, but he is nothing if not a fighter.

We may not have witnessed his fierce competitiveness in this particular encounter, but he is bound to go away and learn from this experience and come back stronger. After all, Rome was not built in a day!

Meanwhile, Juan Martin Del Potro awaits Marin Cilic in the quarterfinals. The match promises to be an interesting battle between two of the tallest guys on the tour, with both 20-year-old men standing at a towering 6'6".

(Interesting fact: Murray has performed better in the Slams on grass and clay than in either of those played on hardcourt. Weird!)

Kim Clijsters, Venus Williams Serve Up Hot Bagels in the Big Apple

Frankie — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 19:33:17 -0400

Kim Clijsters continued her stunning comeback in formidable style on day seven of the US Open. In her first appearance in New York since winning the title in 2005, the comeback mama progressed into the quarterfinals by knocking out world No. 3 (and crowd favourite) Venus Williams.

The much-anticipated fourth-round meeting between the two former champions certainly lived up to expectations. Although Clijsters entered the final Slam of the year as a wild card—having only played in two tournaments since picking up her professional racket after a two-year hiatus—she has been in blistering form since her first-round encounter.

Continuing where she had left off two days previously (when she disposed of fellow Belgian Kirsten Flipkens with an easy 6-0, 6-2 victory), Clijsters played a breathtaking first set of tennis. She completely dominated proceedings, moving Williams (whose left leg was still heavily strapped) all over the court.

Clijsters did not allow Williams a single game on the scoreboard and swept the first set, 6-0, in 27 minutes. The crowd looked on in stunned silence as Clijsters served up the first hot bagel of the afternoon. The commentators seemed just as speechless, remarking only that Clijsters was “in the zone.”

Williams took to the floor to open proceedings in the second set; the American finally managed to get her scoreboard moving, to the delight of the home crowd. She then decided it was time to give Clijsters a taste of her own medicine. You could almost hear her thoughts as she broke Clijsters' serve in the second game of the set: “No one bagels Venus and gets away with it!”

In a matter of seconds, the whole match had turned around. Williams was now the one “in the zone”; her serve was suddenly firing on all cylinders (averaging approximately 120 mph), her ground strokes were full of venom, whilst the errors were slowly starting to creep into Clijster’s game. Payback time had arrived!

The crowd was by now fully immersed in the match and cheered as Venus returned the favour, serving up the second hot bagel of the afternoon. It took the American four minutes less than Clijsters had to heat up her doughy "O."

As set three began, there was no clear indication who would win this roller-coaster ride of a match. Would there be more bagels? Would there be a bread stick? Or would the two ladies decide to share?

Williams started off the final set by holding on to her serve and winning her seventh game in a row. The pressure quickly shifted back to Clijsters, who managed to cling to her serve, thus ensuring that no more bagels would be handed out that afternoon.

In the third game of the deciding set, Clijsters took her opportunity to strike. She used some fancy footwork and a scorching forehand to take the score to 30-all and, moments later, had her first break-point of the set. Williams then gifted her opponent the break by double-faulting, allowing Clijsters to take a 2-1 lead.

Thereafter, both women managed to win their service games. As Clijsters stepped up to the line to serve out the match, she had the obligatory “serving-it-out tennis wobble,” allowing Williams two break-point opportunities. However, the Belgian displayed nerves of steel to take the game to deuce and didn’t waste any more time in seizing her opportunity. She won the next two points to claim the match 6-0, 0-6, 6-4.

A look of disbelief came over Clijster’s face as she shook the umpire’s hand and sat down to reflect upon what she had just achieved.

Afterwards, she told the crowd: “It was such a weird match, especially those first two sets. But after I lost the second at 6-0, I said, let's start over and start a new match.” And start again she most certainly did!

So as far as the women’s seeds go: another one bites the dust!

It will now be exciting to see how much further Clijsters can go in the draw. With no expectations weighing down upon her shoulders, this could be the dream comeback. Her next opponent is Na Li of China. Should Clijsters emerge victorious from that encounter, there is the mouth-watering prospect of another Clijsters-Williams match.

Watch this space...

Rewind 2003: The Coming of Andy Roddick

Frankie — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 06:58:22 -0400

Introduction

With the recent resurgence of a certain Mr. A-Rod, I thought it would be a good time to rewind to Sunday, Sept. 7, 2003; a date which is, no doubt, deeply engraved upon the mind of the American. For it was on this day that Andy Roddick would claim his first Slam title by being crowned King of the Big Apple.

At the time of his victory, very few tennis buffs would have predicted that six years down the line the American would still have only the one major trophy in his cabinet at home.

As Roddick pelted down his 23rd ace against Juan Carlos Ferrero to win the championships in New York, the USA rejoiced as they looked down upon the man who they believed was the heir to Pete Sampras’ throne.

Another great American champion, Andre Agassi, was still giving the home side something to cheer about, having entered Flushing Meadows that year as the highest ranked tennis player in the world.

However, with Andre not getting any younger, Andy’s win in New York appeared to have come at an ideal moment in time. Who could have known that there was a dangerous Swiss lurking in the shadows?

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A Sizzling Summer

Andy Roddick was a successful player on the junior circuit. He first showed his full potential on hard courts by winning both the Australian and U.S. Open junior titles in 2000. But it was not until 2003 that the man from Nebraska really announced his arrival on the big stage.

Roddick started his breakthrough year on a high note, reaching the semifinals of the Australian Open. He also had a very successful grass court season, winning the title at the Queen’s Club and reaching the semifinals of Wimbledon (no prizes for guessing who beat him there).

However, it was the hard-court season following Wimbledon in which the 20-year-old really started to shine and show the world that he was a serious contender for the "biggies."

In 2003, Roddick won both of the Masters Series events which take place in the run-up to the New York gig: Montreal and Cincinnati. Although he entered the Open ranked No. 4 in the world, he was definitely a strong favourite for the title. After all, he was on a hot winning streak; some might even say that he was "in the zone."

Most opponents who came up against Roddick in Flushing Meadows that year had no answers for the American’s huge serve and booming forehand. Ivan Ljubičić managed to grapple one set off Roddick in their second round meeting, but it wasn’t until "Super Saturday" that Andy was truly tested.

In the semifinals, Roddick found himself down two sets to love against a certain Mr. Nalbandian. David Nalbandian—a talented player known for his patches of brilliance intermingled with a questionable mentality—once again displayed an inability to grab a match, losing the third set tiebreak (including a match point) and paving the way for his opponent to make his comeback. Roddick went on to win the match in five sets.

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Second Sunday in the City that Never Sleeps

Despite Roddick’s long semifinal, he entered the Arthur Ashe Stadium that second Sunday as the favourite and with 18 consecutive match wins under his belt.

However, his opponent, Juan Carlos Ferrero, was not a man to be underestimated. At the time, as the world No. 3, Ferrero was ranked one place higher than Roddick, and he'd taken out two former champions in the forms of Andre Agassi and Lleyton Hewitt. Ferrero, who had also won the French Open that year, was in form of his life.

Therefore, it was perhaps somewhat remarkable that the final only lasted one hour and 42 minutes. It turned out not to be the battle that some may have expected.

The first set was, unsurprisingly, full of big serving from the American’s end. However, Roddick also held his own against Ferrero—a strong player from the back of the court—in the many baseline exchanges.

When Roddick broke serve in the fourth game of the set, there was a sense of inevitability (as there often is when Roddick breaks). It looked as though the first set had already been decided.

Sure enough, Ferrero was unable to stop the might of Roddick’s powerful serves and explosive forehands, and the American clinched the first set by a score of six games to three.

Ferrero managed to up his level in the second set. Both men held on to their service games to take the set to a tiebreak. Although Ferrero dived to make an impressive backhand volley on the first point, Roddick whipped a forehand winner back over the net to win the point.

Ferrero managed to hold on to the next two points on his serve. However, from thereon in the Spaniard appeared to crumble, and Roddick quickly claimed the next six points and the second set.

The third set went much the same way as the first. Ferrero did have a chance to break Roddick in the seventh game of the set but failed to convert either of his break-points. After that, the Spaniard went on to lose his next service game, handing Roddick the break with a double-fault.

From then on it was smooth sailing for the American. He remained amazingly calm for someone serving for their first major title, producing a love service game (including three aces) to capture the championship in straight sets: 6-3, 7-6, 6-3.

As soon as Roddick had hit the ace that would win him the trophy, his face turned to a picture of disbelief. He dropped to his knees and covered his face with his hands. Barely holding in the tears, he then climbed into the stands for a big group hug with his team, including his coach at that time, Brad Gilbert, and his pop star girlfriend, Mandy Moore.

He still seemed to be in shock during the presentation ceremony, telling the crowd: “I came to this tournament so many times as a kid and watched from way up there. I am just in disbelief, to be honest.”

Andy, who had only just turned 21 years old, certainly looked like the next big name in tennis. He went on to claim the world No. 1 spot at the end of 2003 and held on to it until February of the following year when it was taken by Roger Federer following his win at the Australian Open.

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The Second Coming?

Roddick has been one of the most consistent tennis players of this era, finishing inside the top 10 at the end of every season since 2002. Although it was a man from Switzerland who went on to dominate men’s tennis to an extent which the likes of have never been seen before and may never be seen again, Roddick has always been in the mix.

He has reached a Slam final four times since his win in New York (three Wimbledons and another U.S. Open) to be thwarted by the same man each time. And that's not to mention the many defeats at the latter stages of Slams by the same Swiss maestro.

Still, Andy has not had a bad career by any means. Sure, it is true that he may well have won a couple more slams if Federer had not been around, but he has still amassed 27 career titles to date. He is also a greatly respected member of the U.S. Davis Cup Team, leading his side to victory in 2007.

Since teaming up with Larry Stefanki at the end of last year, Roddick has become a brand new player. He has slimmed down, got fitter, and added more variety to his game.

Often accused of being one-dimensional, Roddick has proved this year that he is more than just a big serve. With a vastly improved backhand, Roddick has been shooting many a winner down the line. His forehand is still a powerful weapon, and his net play has not only increased in frequency but also in its success rate.

All this has added up to a semifinal appearance in Melbourne, his best result in Paris to date, and a near-victory over one of the greatest players of all time on said player’s favourite turf at SW19 in a gripping final.

As we approach the U.S. Open, many are wondering whether Andy could add to that lone Grand Slam title six years down the line. Many feel that the hard-working Roddick, who is much-liked for his wit and sporting personality, deserves to be more than a "one-Slam wonder."

Could Andy be the one to stop his arch-nemesis’ incredible run in New York? All will be revealed shortly...

Tennis Players Make Revenge Taste Sweet (Humour)

Frankie — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 10:43:00 -0400

Frankie’s News is very happy to announce that one of our main rivals in the journalistic field of journalism has been well and truly silenced...for at least a couple of hours.

Well known Canadian writer, Robert Orzechowski, of the Rib-Tickling Times has reportedly been hunted down and punished by the many tennis players he has insulted. Despite receiving many letters of warning from the tennis players in question, Mr. Orzechowski insisted on using his acerbic wit time and time again. No-one was safe from his cutting remarks.

Frankie’s News would never dream of mocking any tennis player, real or otherwise. We are therefore delighted to hear that Mr. Orzechowski, winner of the prestigious 'Funny-Man' journalism award for the last 10 years, has been fully reprimanded for his actions. Frankie’s News hopes that this will mean that other publications are in with a chance of taking home this year’s award.

Frankie’s News sent one of its top journalists, Ms. S.U. Kup, to interview the players involved in this episode of social and political justice.

Unfortunately, none of the players were available for comment as they were still chasing Mr. Orzechowski down the streets of Montreal. However, Ms. Kup did manage to hear what some of the players were shouting as they angrily brandished their tennis rackets.

Novak Djokovic: “How DARE you suggest I have Swine Flu. Do you know how hard it was getting past customs? You make my blood boil more than an Andy Roddick press conference.”

Rafael Nadal: “Roberto, Uncle Toni teach me to play wit my left hand, no? He also teach me how to use dee left hook.”

Roger Federer: “I really enjoyed some of your Rafa pieces, you know. And I particularly enjoyed your ‘Wimbledon 2053’ piece...that was a masterclass in journalism. But your latest leaves a disgusting after-taste in my mouth, you know. I mean, I would like to see you speak four languages fluently while winning 15 slams. And you know, I really don’t say 'you know' that often, you know.”

Marat Safin: “Hey man...wait up...I wanna thank you for all your cool suggestions. With all my recent first round exits I’ve really had a lot of time to consider what to do next and I’ve already phoned Nike about doing some work for them.”

Andy Murray: “So, Mr. Orzechowski, you don’t think I’ll win a slam, eh? World number 3 not good enough for you? A final appearance at the US Open is just a piece of cake, is it? It looks as though you are just a little bit jealous of all the attention I have been receiving from the British media.”

Fernando Verdasco: “(Sobbing) Jou and everyone, dee only tink about how I am muchos bello. And dat dee ladies, dey love me. Why jou no talk about my muchos bueno forehand? Soy más que una cara bonita, no?”

Andy Roddick: “Dude, I totally appreciate what you do...you know that I too enjoy cracking a joke from time to time. But you totally stole that swine flu joke from me. Replacing ‘bird’ with ‘swine’ is still plagiarism in my books.”

Lleyton Hewitt: “G’day mate, I just wanted to let you know that my wife keeps asking me who this ‘Long John Silver’ is. Could you please stop with all the jokes now as you are making my missus suspicious and putting my marriage under a lot of strain? Cheers.”

Serena Williams: “Oy! Robert! Why don’t you ever write about the ladies? You are a complete disgrace. In fact, you are almost as disgraceful as the women’s rankings (which make me laugh more than some of your pieces).”

Tennis G.O.A.T. Debate Finally Resolved (Humour)

Frankie — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 15:03:18 -0400

Frankie’s Newsflash!

G.O.A.T. Debate Finally Resolved!

Since Roger Federer won his record 15th Slam by claiming the Wimbledon title for the sixth time in his career on Sunday, Jul. 5 2009, the world’s media has been quick to anoint him as the greatest tennis player of all-time.

However, the G.O.A.T. debate is still raging on and, until recently, it looked as though there would be no end to it. We at Frankie’s News are therefore very proud to let our readers know this matter has been resolved once and for all.

The well-renowned tennis expert Mr. B. Onkers, a long time friend of Frankie’s News, rang our headquarters this morning to announce the results of his research into the G.O.A.T. debate.

These results are to be broadcasted on all news stations around the world later this evening but, as always, Frankie’s News is the first to have access to this new and fascinating information.

Mr. Onkers provided our publication with the following statement:

"I am pleased to announce that I am ready to share the results of my research with the world. Many have been wondering: who is the greatest? Is it Federer? Is it Laver? Perhaps it is Borg or maybe Sampras? Well, I can reveal that the outcomes of my study indicate that the G.O.A.T is none other than Robin Soderling of Sweden."

"Many of you may be surprised at this outcome. Many of you may even be thinking, 'Who the heck is this Robin Soderling of Sweden? I only know a Borg.'"

"Rest assured, ladies and gentlemen, that my research methods were rigorous and the results are both valid and reliable."

"It is really quite simple. The question of whether Roger Federer is the G.O.A.T. is only queried because of his unflattering head-to-head statistic against Rafael Nadal. Apart from that, it is pretty damn obvious that this guy is top-notch."

"So now you are probably asking yourself: If Roger is not the greatest because Rafa keeps beating him then surely Rafa is the greatest? Surely, the player who beats the greatest must be greater?"

"But no! You would be wrong. What you folks are not taking into account in this G.O.A.T debate is that Rafael Nadal, the king of clay, has now been beaten at Roland Garros. And who achieved this remarkable feat? Answer: Robin Soderling."

"So now I think you see what I am getting at. No other tennis player in the world, including Roger Federer, has ever beaten the king of clay in Paris. In fact, it was deemed impossible."

"Therefore, it follows that if Mr Federer’s claim to being the greatest is obstructed by Mr. Nadal, then the man who beat Mr. Nadal in Paris must be the best."

"I told you it was simple, didn’t I? To be quite honest, I can’t believe that nobody has ever worked this out before."

On hearing this highly convincing piece of evidence, Frankie’s News decided to phone up Mr. Soderling to get his reaction to all of this:

“Wow this is just awesome. It is so cool that I will now be the most famous tennis player to come out of Sweden. It totally makes sense though—I did what everyone was saying was 'impossible' when I beat Rafa in Paris. If making the impossible possible doesn’t make me the greatest, then I don’t know what will.”

At this point the journalist who phoned Mr. Soderling could hear some snickering in the background and asked Mr. Soderling if someone with him thought that the news was a hoax.

“No, no, no. I don’t see how anybody could doubt this piece of research. It’s just Andy (Roddick) who you can hear laughing in the background. He popped over to Sweden for a quick visit so that we could figure out what to do about Roger…no-one beats Andy and Robin more than 30 times out of 32 meetings. Anyway, this news has completely made our day so thanks."

"In fact, I think Andy may be more excited about it than me!"

(At this point a “yippee!” can be heard in the background.)

Frankie's Newsflash!

Roger Federer in Shock Loss to Andy Roddick!

In other news, Roger Federer has suffered a shocking loss at the hands of his arch nemesis, Andy Roddick. The defeat came in the first round of the Hawk-Eye Challenge Tournament.

Roger Federer told one of our journalists:

“Bloody thing. I always said it was useless. I don’t think I’ll be coming back to one of these tournaments; I have enough silverware in my cabinet as it is. Fifteen slams, you know.”

Andy Roddick, on the other hand, was ecstatic about his win.

“I can’t believe it. I am so happy. It takes a lot of skill to use your Hawk-Eye challenges correctly. I think I have now been made the favourite to win this tournament and if I do I’ll be the No. 1 "Hawk-Eyer" in the world. I think Roger is ranked about 200 places below me on this…so yeah, it feels good."

So Close But Yet So Far: The Vanquished Heroes of Tennis

Frankie — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 16:29:21 -0400

Being a huge, massive, somewhat unhealthily obsessed Roger Federer fan, I settled into my armchair at 1.30pm UK time on Sunday 5th July 2009 ready to watch my favourite player ever break Pete Sampras’ record of fourteen Grand Slams.

The thought of Roger reclaiming his Wimbledon crown (the outcome of that epic match against Rafael Nadal last year was a bitter pill to swallow for Federer and his supporters) and the number one ranking brought a feeling of immense pleasure. I also basked in the glory of the possibility of him joining Bjorn Borg and Rafael Nadal as a player to have won both the French Open and Wimbledon, back to back, in the same year.

And all of this to take place in front of the legends of the game: Pete Sampras, Bjorn Borg and Rod Laver. What a perfect moment it would be!

But the match turned out to be something which (I think) most of us were not expecting.

Reading many of the preview articles on both Bleacher Report and the Internet in general, the verdict was pretty much the same: Roger would win in straight sets or possibly be pushed to four. Boris Becker, John McEnroe, Bjorn Borg, Tim Henman, in fact practically every “expert” (i.e. past tennis player) who was interviewed at Wimbledon was predicting an easy(ish) win for Roger.

And who can blame them? After all, it would not be a muscular Spaniard on the other side of the net. Instead, Roger would be facing in Andy Roddick an opponent who he had beaten eighteen times out of the twenty they had met.

But while we were all preparing for history to be made, Andy Roddick had other plans.

Roddick hadn’t just beaten the other Andy in the semi-finals through sheer luck. Andy Murray is the world number three and was the second favourite for this title. Everyone was hyping up a Murray-Federer final before the tournament had even begun.

Roddick had had to work hard to set up a third meeting with Roger Federer on the second Sunday of Wimbledon. And work hard, he did. (Let’s not forget that he also had to play a marathon five setter against Lleyton Hewitt before facing the crowd favourite in the semis.)

So when it came to the day of the final many of us knew that this would not be the Andy Roddick of old. We had seen his match against Murray. We expected a high first serve percentage, improved fitness, more volleying and a solid backhand (its days of liability seemingly over). But we doubted whether this would be enough against one of the greatest players to have ever picked up a racket.

But it almost was…

What we could not have foreseen was the huge amount of heart that this guy brought with him as he stepped on court. Sure, Andy has always been one of the hardest workers on the tour. As he himself has acknowledged, he never gives anything less than his best.

However, in his past matches against Roger Federer there was always a sense of inevitability. As soon as Roger had the upper hand there was a sense of “over and out” for Andy.

So when Andy lost the chance to go up two sets to love against Roger in Sunday’s final by losing a second set tiebreak in which he had four set points, many of us were wondering how he would respond. Many of us were probably thinking “over and out”.

And the response of Andy Roddick is what gave us another classic and unforgettable Wimbledon final. (And also gave Andy a few more fans, no doubt.)

He gave it his all. Even when Roger went on to win the third set in a tiebreak (and let us not forget, Andy is the master of tiebreaks, having won 26 out of the 30 he had played this year before entering this match) Andy did not get dejected. Instead he fought back, never letting Roger break his serve and getting his reward when he broke Roger in the fourth set to take it 6-3.

As a Federer fan I was on the edge of my seat. My heart was pounding. My hands were sweating. As the match entered its fifth set I did not know which way it would go. Roger had not managed to break Andy’s serve once throughout the match, even though he had had several break-point opportunities. It looked like it might finally be the American’s moment of glory…

And a funny feeling came over me. As much as I wanted Roger to win, I felt as though I would not mind too much if Andy got third time lucky in his attempt at the Wimbledon title.

By all rights I should not have been having these little niggling thoughts. The American hope had just knocked out the British hope only two days ago and we Brits have not had a player of Andy Murray’s calibre for a long while. But like the crowd on Centre Court, I could not help but admire Mr Roddick as he took Mr Federer to a fifth and deciding set.

And what a fifth set it was! Each man determined, neither willing to give in. Unfortunately for Andy, it was he who caved in first, finally allowing Roger to break him in the thirtieth game of the set (thirtieth!) and for the first time in the match.

Only the best could have outlasted the American in this match…

The fact that the crowd on Centre Court started chanting his name at the end of the match says a lot about Andy. He had just lost to a man who is arguably one of the most popular players to have ever graced the game and who had given the crowd a piece of history to witness…yet they, and I, could not help but feel for the guy who always comes up short against Roger. And this time it was only by the tiniest of margins.

If there is anyone who deserves a Wimbledon title, it is Andy Roddick. His last success at a Grand Slam was six long years ago at the US Open in 2003. Since then, Andy has had to overcome many heart-breaking defeats in important matches, and most of them at the hands of the History Man.

So although I am ecstatic that my favourite player has made history, reclaimed his Wimbledon crown and the number one spot, my heart still breaks for the man who gave it his all and is still the perennial runner-up.

The fact that Andy managed to hold it together and crack some jokes after losing (such as apologising to Pete Sampras for not holding Roger off his record for a little longer) says a lot about his character.

Andy Roddick’s loss has made me think back to other times when I have felt gutted for the runner-up. These have always been the times when a match has gone the distance and the loser has given it their all and yet still not come out the victor.

It hurt when Roger Federer lost the Wimbledon final last year after having fought back from being two sets to love down to take it into a deciding fifth set. It hurt even more when he lost to the same opponent in a similar manner in Australia six months later.

It hurt when Novak Djokovic lost out to Rafael Nadal for the third time this year on clay, in Madrid. The boy in blue shoes even held three match-points against the king of clay and still ended up the loser.

It hurt when Elena Dementieva was denied her first Wimbledon final by Serena Williams only a couple of days ago. Again, Elena had match-point against Serena but just couldn’t convert.

It hurt when Fernando Verdasco gave it his all against his fellow countryman in that classic semi-final in Australia, and he was still sent packing.

I could probably go on for a while here but these are the most recent epic matches that come to mind. Both competitors in these matches were deserving of glory. But unfortunately, in tennis there can only be one victor. The trophy cannot be split in half.

Andy Roddick has admitted that this is probably his toughest Wimbledon loss.

So close but yet so far…that is what hurts the most.

So I’d like to dedicate this article to all those players who have given us tennis matches to remember but did not get the outcome they so desired. The vanquished heroes… here’s to you!

(On a side note, I realise that the winner in most of the matches I have mentioned ended up being Rafael Nadal. Before I get slaughtered by Nadal fans I just wanted to say that I have absolutely nothing against Nadal, I really like the guy (except when he beats Roger!) and respect all that he has done and think that tennis is much more exciting with him around. It just happens that he has been on the winning end of most of the epic matches this past year!)

(On another note, I am so delighted for Roger Federer. It was wonderful to see him break the record in front of all the tennis legends at Wimbledon. I would probably be devastated if he hadn’t won – life is a double-edged sword, eh?)

Wimbledon Through the Eyes/Camera Lens of a Tennis Fanatic

Frankie — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 15:48:41 -0400

Frankie's News is excited to report that Frankie herself has already paid a visit to the most prestigious event in the tennis calender this year. That's right folks, this crazy tennis obsessed young woman somehow managed to get past security and into the grounds at SW19 to watch some of the fabulous tennis on offer on the first day of the Championships. We at Frankie's News have decided to dedicate this issue to our boss' fun day out and hear the musings of our slightly loopey editor-in-chief. Warning: this is a personal blog. Readers who are hoping for some unbiased factual analysis of the play on day one of the Championships have (unfortunately) bought the wrong type of publication. Frankie's News does not offer any refunds so all we can say is...sorry in advance.

Begin Slideshow

London Put on “Red Alert” As Murraymania Comes to Town!

Frankie — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 18:27:27 -0400

Yes, the time has finally arrived. Get out your brollies (unless you have tickets for Centre Court) and prepare to eat lots of strawberries and cream. Wimbledon is just around the corner!

Even those of you who are not British have got to admit that this is "the one slam to rule them all."

It is the most prestigious.

It is drenched in history.

It reeks of tradition.

It is attended by Royals.

It even has a dress code for its players...and if that doesn’t tell you that this is something special, then I don’t know what will!

As this time of year approaches, anticipation fills the air. Even those residents of the UK who do not follow tennis all the year round start to ask those that do, “Has Wimbledon started yet?”

And in addition to that, there's another change to the residents of this small island at this time of year: We suddenly become unwaveringly patriotic.

In recent years, cries of “come on Tim!” could be heard blasting from practically every house with their TV tuned in to the tennis.

Every time we switched on our television sets, we were guaranteed a Sue Barker interview with either Boris Becker, John McEnroe, or John Lloyd on Tim Henman’s chances of becoming Wimbledon champion.

Credit has to go to Becker and McEnroe for putting up with the endless questioning on the nation’s only hope without screaming, "He's not going to win it, you crazy Brits!"

Of course, not all of the time on the BBC was dedicated to Tim. Roger Federer’s latest outfit has always been a highlight over the last couple of years. We've seen the jacket-trouser combination, the cardigan...where can he go next?! My guess is that it is probably not going to be in the tank top direction.

But to my point: This year has a chance to be even more special over here. We don’t only have hope. We actually have belief, true belief.

Now, cheering on “Tiger” Tim was always fun, but I don’t know whether any of us really thought he was actually going to win it. Don’t get me wrong, he was a great tennis player. He reached a ranking of world No. 4 and made it to the semifinals of Wimbledon four times (four must have been his lucky number). Undoubtedly, the guy was good.

But with Andy Murray, there is something else. The guy is not just good, he is very good.

I’ll put it into perspective: Murray has only just turned 22 years old and has already won eleven titles. That is the same number that Henman won in his entire career.

Murray is also world No. 3 and the first British man to be ranked inside the world’s top three. He is behind only Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer, arguably two of the best tennis players ever to have existed. Only two men, a pair that have won twenty Slams between them, are considered better. What’s more, he even has a winning head-to-head against record Roger Federer (6-2).

The boy from Dunblane ain't done too bad, and he probably hasn't even peaked yet.

It was about this time last year when Murray really started to fly up the rankings and make his mark in the tennis world. He made the quarterfinals of Wimbledon (losing to the eventual champion, Rafael Nadal) and the finals of the US Open (losing to the eventual champion, Roger Federer).

This year he made it to the fourth round of the Australian Open, losing to an awesome Fernando Verdasco, a man who went on to give Rafael Nadal a few headaches in the semis. Murray soon got his revenge by beating Verdasco in Miami and going on to win the title.

And even more recently, at the French Open, Andy produced better results than the king of clay, Rafael Nadal, and Novak Djokovic (a guy who is pretty good on the red stuff himself) by reaching the quarterfinals. Nobody could have seen that coming; I’m sure not even Andy could have predicted such a thing happening! Murray’s results at the French were excellent considering that he had only made it to the third round in 2008.

What is even more exciting about Murray is the kind of tennis he plays: He is clever, he uses his brain, and he outsmarts the opponent.

He also has a wonderful variety of shots at his disposal. The backhand and drop shot may well be his favourites, but this week at the Queen’s Club tournament he has shown just how well he can return serve, and he is second only to Nadal in this department so far this year.

He has also displayed some Federer-esque lobs, and as usual, his outstanding fitness has not passed unnoticed. The guy seems to be able to run down every ball.

It has taken Murray less than four and a half hours to reach the Queen’s finals. He will have to beat James Blake tomorrow to win his first grass court title.

The last British man to win at the Queen’s Club tennis championships was called Henry "Bunny" Austin and he won in 1938. Nope, I hadn't heard of him either.

So no pressure then, Andy!

Luckily, that sort of thing doesn’t seem to affect Andy. He always has time to have a little chat with the British media, who fawn over him. What's more, he doesn’t appear fussed about the fuss at all! Having lots of supporters wherever he goes, Andy must be getting used to the adoration.

Tomorrow will be a great day for British tennis if the world No. 3 walks away the winner. And over the next few weeks, it could get even better.

The hopes of a nation are pinned to one man.

Andy Murray better prepare himself—"Murraymania" is coming to town!!

Do You Suffer from a Rafael Nadal Addiction?

Frankie — Thu, 28 May 2009 17:04:23 -0400

Just a bit of fun! (Part Two)

(As I am kind, I decided to write a companion article for all those Rafael Nadal fans out there who could not relate to my “Do You Suffer From A Roger Federer Addiction?” piece.)

The condition known as “Acute Rogeritis” has been well documented on B/R. Many of the writers in the tennis domain are experiencing symptoms of the condition even as we speak. Several have also taken a turn for the worse following Roger Federer’s recent win in Madrid and are thought to have progressed to the later stages of the disease – known as “Chronic Rogeritis”.

(If you are concerned and think that you may be suffering from this condition and would like more information on it, please click here.)

However, although an awareness of this illness has been raised thanks to the efforts of one sufferer (the author herself) a newer disease, known as “Acute Nadalitis”, has not been so widely documented.

It is thought that as many as 50% of the tennis-obsessed folks in B/R may be suffering from this condition. (In all likelihood, these poor souls are the ones who are not suffering from “Acute Rogeritis”.)

As with “Acute Rogeritis”, no cure has yet been found. Scientists have confirmed that they are currently carrying out research which involves observing the interaction between individuals suffering from each of these alarming conditions.

Dr. M. Aniac, the lead researcher in this field, has said that he believes a breakthrough is imminent: “I may be as maaaaaaaaaad as the mad hatter, but I think that my scientists have finally figured out what is going on here. One condition acts as an antidote for the other!!! Unfortunately, most of the loonies with these conditions don’t want a cure. Humph. Anyone want to do an Irish Jig?”

With the clay season fully underway and Roland Garros being in full swing, the tennis domain has been put on “red alert” for a possible “Nadalitis” epidemic.

If you can answer "Yes" to any of the following statements then it is already too late for you:

Your partner has informed you that you appear to be muttering something that sounds a lot like “Vamos!” in your sleep.
You seem to have a permanent wedgie (no matter what underwear you choose to put on).
When you beat your best friend at a game of Scrabble/Pictionary/Cluedo/(Insert the name of a well-known board-game) you stand up and do a fist-pump.
You have started adding a “no?” to the end of all your sentences.
Your home does not have a beautiful green garden - no sir! - you much prefer the “red dirt” which you recently sprinkled all over your backyard.
You are beginning to notice how even the smallest things in life can get you worked up. For example, your rage is uncontrollable when your cleaning lady dusts all the shelves in your house but does not reposition the knick-knacks in a straight line after she has finished. (How many times do you have to tell her?)
You keep going on and on about how great Switzerland is, driving all your friends insane. (You think it is the best country in the world and only your favourite uncle seems to agree with you.)
At the moment your studies couldn't be going any better. You have impressed your teachers, peers and parents by coming “top” in all of your classes (and not just your favourite subject like you used to).
You have taken to wearing bright pink (especially if you are a bloke) and do not listen when your friends complain that they now need to wear a pair of sunglasses whilst in your company. You tell them that it is very important to celebrate the fashion of the 1980s.
You have also decided to go for a “more mature” new look clothes-wise. If you are a girl, you have decided to stop wearing short skirts. If you are a boy, you have decided that tank tops are not the way forward. Either way, you have upset members of the opposite gender with this (rather rash) new decision.

If you think you are suffering from this condition, do not be afraid to seek professional help. Those who may need it include: Poulomee Basu, Emma, Tanya Pal, Biss naydmech, B Y, Sudeshna Banerjee and perhaps even oxyMoron.

Vamos!

Magnificent Murray Gives Dazzling Display On Day One

Frankie — Sun, 24 May 2009 18:30:21 -0400

Before you ask, I’ll come out and admit it: Yes, I am a Brit.

But even those who are not from this great nation of tea-drinkers surely must admit that Andrew Murray is a pretty damn fine tennis player. After all, he is a member of that rather intimidating gang known as the “Top Four”.

I just felt that I needed to write down a few words after witnessing what I thought was a sizzling display of shot-making by the Scot who has managed to whip a small island into a fit of hysterics over his racket skills.

Before you start accusing me of having caught the fever which is known in these parts as “Murray-mania” I would like to point out that even I, British promoter numero uno, find some of the comments made by the commentators on British Eurosport hilarious.

Today’s best quote from one of the commentators on duty had to be that Tim Henman’s achievements at Wimbledon were “amazing”. Now, as much as I love Tiger Tim, I would not call his efforts at Wimbledon “amazing”. I would call Pete Sampras, Bjorn Borg and Roger Federer’s escapades on the glorious greens of the All England Club “amazing”. Actually, I would call their achievements “phenomenal”.

Of course I am thankful to Timmy for providing millions of us Brits with hope for many years. However, I think that the British commentators, media and public in general are often prone to over-hyping their own countrymen (as in this instance). But I am giving Tiger Tim an A+ for effort; the guy made it to the semi-finals at Slam-level six times and that is no mean feat.

Anyway, back to Murray and here is someone I think our country has good reason to be excited about. Yes, I am going to take a moment to brag: first British tennis player to be ranked in the top three and first British player who (I think) has a good chance of winning a Slam. (Maybe even more than one...who knows?)

Murray’s performance in his opening match at the French Open reminded me why he gets us all so excited.

Now I do realise that Murray’s opponent was Juan Ignacio Chela, a man who is not even ranked inside the top 100. However, Chela hails from Argentina and I never like to underestimate an Argentinian (or a Spaniard) on clay. Plus, we all know that Murray does not exactly love the red stuff. His best result in Paris so far has been a third round exit last year.

However, when watching Murray today I almost forgot that he was playing on clay. Yes, he was that good. He practically ground down his opponent with his wonderful variety of shots. Chela looked worn out before the first set was even over.

Some of Murray's play reminded me of the kind of magic that Roger Federer has so often weaved with his racket to destroy opponents in the early rounds of a Slam. (Please do not attack me for saying this Fed fans – I am also a fully-fledged member of the Rockin’ Roger fan club!)

Murray used his famous drop-shot against a lethargic looking Chela to great effect. He also used the backhand cross-court passing shot, which has become somewhat of a trademark for him, to great effect. At one point he even did a very Federer-like forehand lob from the baseline, again, to great effect. It was almost as though he was using Chela to feed him balls so that he could wow the audience with a display of every shot in the book.

The final score line read: 6-2, 6-2, 6-1. The match was over in 1 hour and 43 minutes. During that time Murray hit an impressive 55 winners. After the match even Murray seemed shocked at just how brilliantly he played, saying: “I wasn't expecting to play that well and it was a bit surprising.”

I do not wish to speak too soon and jinx things for Andy, but I really think that if he can keep up this kind of performance he has a good chance of going deep into the draw. Of course a well-known Spaniard will almost certainly await him should he make it as far as the semis but Andy has said that his main aim is to make it to the second week.

So it appears that his results in Monte Carlo and Madrid were not just a fluke. Andy really does seem to be getting the hang of this whole “clay thing”. Let’s just hope he can show the world that he is now a man to be reckoned with on all surfaces.

Fingers crossed!

Novak Djokovic Ends His Relationship with Rafael Nadal (Humor)

Frankie — Sun, 17 May 2009 09:29:35 -0400

Frankie's News has today intercepted a letter from Novak Djokovic—a tennis player known for his sense of humour—to his (former) tennis buddy, Rafael Nadal. However, this letter is anything but funny. It seems that a beautiful friendship has come to an end, and we at Frankie's News are still wiping away our tears.

We advise our readers to grab a box of tissues before reading the letter, which is printed below:

Dear Rafa,

We have always been good friends, you and I. We have enjoyed a spot of golf together, had fun playing some poker in Monte Carlo, and spent many a night debating who has the larger female fan base (I don't care the size, at least I am kind enough to remove my shirt for my female fans when I have won a tournament).

I have always taken defeat at your hands very gracefully, especially when we play on clay, as I know that you will always be the overwhelming favourite there.

Did I complain when you won in Monte Carlo, even though I managed to take a set from you? No.

Did I manage to keep a smile plastered on my face a couple of weeks later when you stole my title in Rome? Yes.

So I really feel that you could have at least given me Madrid. Yeah, yeah, I know, it is your home turf and all that, but you didn’t even want to play there at first! Don’t think I didn’t hear you complaining about the altitude, the bad ball bounces, and the fast surface.

You know, the minute I start complaining, the whole media pounce on me.

I did not moan even though I had to fly all the way to Spain after only just having won the Serbian Open. I (unlike some) am proud to have set up an event in my home country and to have played in front of my home crowd.

You couldn’t even be bothered to do me a favour and come and play in Serbia to give the event a bit more prestige...and then you complained about your own country’s event!

OK, so perhaps I am going slightly off the point here, but I am still very cross about the whole thing.

I didn’t complain about the heat once, and I made less fuss about my aches and pains than you did about your knees. I won the first set 6-3 in a matter of minutes, and I took you to two tiebreakers. I did not give up when you won the second set, and I played phenomenal tennis throughout the match.

In my opinion, I actually played better than you.

I had two match points, for God’s sake. What more do I have to do? Do you have no heart? No mercy?

I may have given you a hug at the end of the match, but I was thinking about “accidentally” whacking you around the head with my racket.

You have torn out my heart and shred it to pieces. It is a good thing this wasn’t a final, or I may have pulled a “Roger” in the trophy ceremony.

To make matters worse, you then lost to Roger in straight sets the next day. What are you trying to do? Humiliate me?

So that’s it. I am no longer your friend. If you see me in the locker room in Paris, please do not come up to me, or you may end up having to pull out of the French Open due to some serious injuries.

Your ex-tennis buddy,

Nole

Editor's note: We warned you it was sad, didn't we? *Sob, sob*

Rafael Nadal vs. Fernando Verdasco: The New Nadal vs. Federer?

Frankie — Fri, 15 May 2009 19:36:54 -0400

Not everyone may agree with me, but I think that the meetings between Rafael Nadal and Fernando Verdasco this year have produced some of the most thrilling matches in the world of men's tennis.

With every tournament that comes around, the tennis community is constantly abuzz with talk of a possible final between Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer. Unfortunately, the two have not met since Australia as “Roger’s place” in the finals of each event since Oz has been filled by either Novak Djokovic or Andy Murray. In fact, even “Rafael’s place” was taken in Miami!

Of course we cannot constantly expect a Roger and Rafa show-down in the finals of every event. Perhaps it is even a gift in disguise that these two have not been meeting in more finals as it means that when they do, it is a rare treat.

It would also be unfair to dismiss Novak Djokovic and Andy Murray so easily when both have proven time and time again the standard of tennis they are capable of. They too have given the world of tennis plenty to be excited about.

But I what I really want to do is say: “Thank you Señor Verdasco!”

Fernando is one of the few players outside of the top four who I know will give me a match worth watching when he is up against the world No. 1. The two (aesthetically pleasing) players seem to bring out the best tennis from each other. It is almost like watching a brotherly rivalry. Each player respects the other but desperately wants to win—resulting in a captivating formula.

Therefore, I was very much looking forward to their quarter-final match-up in Madrid on Friday evening.

I was not deceived by the head-to-head numbers going into this match (eight wins out of eight meetings for Rafa) as Fernando is a different player since that semi-final encounter in Australia. Confidence can work wonders in sport and since his mind-blowing performance in Oz, Fernando has consistently been making the quarter-finals of events.

At the start of the match I was interested to see who the Spanish crowd would be supporting—the “local-boy-who-done-good” or the national hero. From where I was sitting (in front of the TV in the UK) it sounded like most of the screaming was for the hero.

The first set was fairly uneventful. In the fourth game of the set Fernando got himself into a spot of trouble. He was 0-40 down on his own service game, giving Rafa three break points.

Fernando managed to hold tight and save all three break points to take the score to two games all. (At this point the camera scanned to Uncle Toni who had his “poker face” on…and no, I do not mean that he was listening to Lady Gaga’s latest offering.)

From then on both men held their serve. The level of tennis was astounding. Shots were being traded from the baseline, corner to corner, with balls landing "just in" on the white lines with barely a millimetre to spare. Rafa was up to his usual antics of returning balls which no other human would possibly be able to reach, whilst Fernando was busy amazing the crowds with his deadly forehand.

However, it was not a big surprise when Rafa finally broke Fernando’s serve in the 10th game to take the set, 6-4, in 47 minutes. It was as if he had been waiting for the moment to pounce…and pounce he did.

The second set was where the excitement really began though. Fernando did the unthinkable breaking Rafa not once, but twice, to go 4-0 up!

Admittedly Rafa was making more mistakes than usual—he managed to hit quite a few balls wide and long; these were “proper” miss hits as some of the balls were a good few inches out. In particular, a poorly timed smash which landed in the net sticks in my mind as an indication that not all of Rafa’s superpowers were completely working in the match.

However, full credit has to go to Verdasco who played some amazing tennis and took full advantage of Rafa’s momentary lapse, for that is all it turned out to be…momentary.

It was not exactly clear to me what happened after Verdasco was in the lead by four games to love. Perhaps Rafa woke up? Perhaps Fernando became too complacent? Perhaps Fernando lost his self-belief? Or perhaps it was simply the fact that the man on one side of the net was called Rafael Nadal, i.e. the man who never gives up?

After that, Rafa won five games on the trot to take the lead: 5-4. I admit that at this point I thought that Fernando would call it a day and that the final score line would read 6-4.

But Fernando Verdasco fought to the bitter end. Although his body language said that he had given up (he was shaking his head, shrugging his shoulders and looking to the skies above as if begging for mercy) he still managed to save two match points in the next game to take the score to five games in all.

It still looked as though the match could go either way when Rafa served to go up 6-5 in the second set. It took Rafa a total of five deuces to finally win his service game. It was only after that long game that Fernando finally ran out of steam and succumbed to the inevitable. Rafa saved them both a tie-breaker by taking the second set 7-5.

So unfortunately, that head-to-head count can now be updated to 9-0 to Rafa. However, I honestly believe that Fernando deserved at least one set for the fight he put up.

Even though he lost, Fernando brought a small glimmer of hope to those of us searching for a player to overcome the king of clay. Maybe Fernando is the man to do it? Maybe not…but I will still cherish this blossoming Spanish rivalry while it lasts!

Walking In The Footsteps Of The Opponent

Frankie — Wed, 13 May 2009 20:13:56 -0400

I can hear the crowd buzzing outside. They are as impatient for this moment as I am. This moment I have spent my entire life dreaming of.

All those days spent sweltering in the heat of the midday sun, racket in hand, searching for the will power to push myself forward.

All those long nights spent lying awake, imagining my name being cruelly rejected by the game that I worship, as if it were some unrequited lover.

All those days spent questioning whether this was the life I was supposed to lead: miles away from home, my loved ones and all that I once held dear.

All those times when doubt, a stealthy emissary, crept inside my mind and had to be swiftly eradicated before its seeds began to grow.

All those memories…they have been leading me to this moment.

I can see the player ahead of me. I know that the crowd are awaiting his entrance.

I am merely “the opponent.”

I am here by luck of the draw. Fate, shall we say?

I am not deluded; I know that the crowd are here to watch the man on the other side of the net.

I know that my job is to get the ball back over the net; to allow him to entertain the crowds with his exquisite shot making skills, his artistry and his magical touch with a racket.

They have not parted with their money to watch me steal the show.

They will not remember my name when he lifts the trophy in two weeks time.

But I will remember.

I will remember floating, dreamlike, down an endless corridor of bright white light.

I will remember looking into the eyes of my idols as they watch me walk down a path which is so new to me but which they have walked many a time before.

I will remember experiencing that rare and overwhelming combination of emotions: piercing fear mixed with immense excitement.

As I step forward, I take a minute to glance up at the famous lines…

“If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster,

And treat those two impostors just the same”

...and I force myself to believe that I have a chance of meeting with that first impostor.

I follow the man who has done this so many times before, wishing that I could possess his serenity.

As we step outside everything becomes one big green blur.

I hear the crowd roaring as the man in front of me turns and waves.

I wave too and smile as I realise:

This can be my stage.

This can be my audience.

This can be my moment.

This is my time on Centre Court.

Never have I been surrounded by so many…

…yet never have I felt so alone.

Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal's Secret Pact (Humor)

Frankie — Sat, 09 May 2009 18:17:53 -0400

Frankie’s News today exclusively reveals that Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer, the respective No. 1 and No. 2 ranked players in the world of men’s tennis, have been engaging in a number of private telephone conversations. These dialogues have been secretly recorded by an unknown person and offered to the world’s media for a six-figure sum.

Following intense negotiations late last night, Frankie’s News finally managed to secure a recording of the latest conversation between these two players. The files were purchased from a man referring to himself as a "Mr. D. Joker" (a pseudonym, we suspect).

We at Frankie’s News pride ourselves in being the best at breaking all the latest stories. One of our top journalists spent the early hours of this morning at his desk to provide you, our readers, with a transcription of the phone conversation. We thought that you would enjoy reading it whilst drinking your morning coffee.

Without further ado, here is the transcript:

Toni Nadal: Hola, dis is Uncle Toni speaking.

Roger Federer: Oh, good afternoon, Mr. Nadal. It’s Roger here. I was wondering if I could have a word with Rafa?

Toni Nadal: Roger Moore? Oh, I am very big fan of Meester Bond. I tink you are my favorito James Bond. Rafa will be very happy, no? He too like dee Martini shaken but wit no stirring!

Roger Federer: No, Mr Nadal. It is Roger Federer.

Toni Nadal (sounding disappointed): Oh, I very sorry. I will call Rafa. Not too long por favor. Rafa needs to go siesta. Very tuff match for him tomorrow, no?

Roger Federer: Sure, I won’t keep him long; but I thought he was playing Robin Soderling tomorrow? I’m sure it’s not going to be that "tuff" for him.

(Lots of shouting was heard as Toni called his nephew to the phone. It was all in Spanish, and unfortunately, we at Frankie’s News regret to inform you that we did not have enough time (or money) to hire a translator.)

Rafa Nadal: Hola, Roger! I very happy to talk with jou again. I wish I see jou more often, but you no make a final since Australia.

Roger Federer (sounding cross): No. Look, I wanted to ask you whether you had thought about what I said when I called you the other night.

Rafael Nadal: About dee French Open. Yeah, Roger, I tink about it, but I no tink is a bueno idea...

Roger Federer (sounding annoyed): Why not? Like I explained last time, no one will ever know, and it couldn't be a fairer deal. I’m offering you the US Open in exchange. Just let me get the last damn Slam missing from my résumé, and I'll allow you to get yours. Please remember that I am giving up a record of six-in-a-row at the US Open if you agree to the pact.

Rafael Nadal: I know dat, Roger, but Uncle Toni, he say…

Roger Federer: Oh no, not "Uncle Toni" again. I told you to keep him out of this. Why do you always have to listen to him? That’s one of the reasons I got rid of all my coaches, they just end up controlling your whole life. Rafa, you are nearly 23 years old. Surely you can decide for yourself?

Rafael Nadal: I know dat, Roger, but dee ting is…

Roger Federer (sounding exasperated): Yes?

Rafel Nadal (sounding sheepish): Well, I tink maybe jou no make it to dee finals dis year.

Roger Federer (exploding): What?! You think I, Roger Federer, 13-time Grand Slam champion, am not going to make it to the finals of any of the remaining Slams this year? Have you already forgotten who you had to beat in five sets to steal the trophy from in Melbourne? I can’t believe what I am hearing...

Rafael Nadal: Sorry, Rog. I only say dat for dee French and US Open, I still tink maybe jou get to dee Wimbledon final. But I tink dis year maybe I have chance for win at Calender Slam, no? So pact is bad for me, no?

Roger Federer (sounding sad): But I thought you always said that I was the best? That you were sure I was going to equal Pete’s record? Now you’re changing your mind?

Rafael Nadal: Well, ting is, that is what Uncle Toni tell me to say. I say to him dat maybe I am dee bess and he tell me, “Rafa, jou are never dee bess, always Roger.” So I muss say dat, even though it is not dee true. I tink maybe I will play Nole at dee French, jou at dee Wimbledon and Andy at dee US, no?

(With that, the phone conversation ended abruptly, as one of the two men slammed down the phone. We at Frankie’s News are guessing that it was probably Roger who hung up)

Many of our journalists have commented on the similarity between this attempted pact and the deal which is believed to have been struck between the two British politicians Tony Blair and Gordon Brown (known as the "Granita Pact").

But the "Fedal Pact," as the Federer-Nadal agreement is now known, appears to have been halted by either Rafa or Toni Nadal. It is not clear from the telephone recordings who is really responsible for putting a stop to it.

The "Granita Pact," on the other hand, although never confirmed, seems to have successfully taken place. In the deal, Blair and Brown are believed to have agreed that Brown would step down and allow Blair to become the Labour party’s leader. In return, Blair is thought to have promised Brown that if he successfully became the Prime Minister, he would step down after a period of time and hand over the power to Brown.

Frankie’s News would suggest that our readers follow the French Open to determine whether the "Fedal Pact" is actually legitimate. If Roger wins in Paris, we will presume that some sort of agreement was eventually reached.

Tennis Wars Episode III: Birth Of The G.O.A.T. Knight

Frankie — Wed, 06 May 2009 08:58:12 -0400

A long time ago, in a galaxy which is quite some distance away (and which some say doesn’t actually exist)...

Cue dramatic theme music and scrolling storyline.

Roger Forehander, leader of the Tennis Rebellion and celebrated promoter of “Nuclear Fusion Razorblades” (for the best shave in space), has travelled at light-speed to a small but mountainous planet in the outer galaxy.

Here, Forehander has been training hard with his pilot buddy, A-Rodo, in order to become Roger Backhander. For only then will Forehander have a hope in hell (excuse the volcanic-language) against Darth Raf-er on the clay of the “Red Earth.”

Unfortunately, A-Rodo has not proven to be the best duelling partner to help Forehander complete his task. After watching A-Rodo continuously play into the hands of Forehander’s lethal, well, forehand, S2-Wawa (Forehander’s mostly faithful droid companion) has suggested that Forehander target the spies of the Spanish Empire: the Scottroopers.

These loyal servants of the Empire have all been programmed to attack Forehander’s backhand should they ever cross paths. Ironically, battling with the Scotttroopers has brought Forehander the success he needs and henceforth he shall be referred to as the mighty Roger Backhander. (Confused yet?)

However, although Backhander has been successful in following the instructions of the illustrious G.O.A.T. Knight, Lava, he is still suffering from reoccurring nightmares. These nightmares have caused Backhander, a man who barely breaks a sweat whilst duelling with his Wilsonsaber, to wake-up at night completely drenched.

The chilling nightmares feature a Spanish bull charging at Backhander every time he attempts to enter the pearly white gates of the planet of the G.O.A.T. Knights.

To make matters worse, Backhander has received word that the Empire has joined forces with the evil womanizing gangster, Verdy-the-Hott.

Will Backhander ever be able to defeat Darth Raf-er on the clay of the Red Earth? Will he ever be rid of the terrifying nightmares? Will Darth Raf-er ever find a pair of underpants which don’t cause him to have an uncomfortable wedgie? These are all questions which can only be answered in the final episode of Tennis Wars…

Scene One: Aforementioned small, mountainous planet in the outer galaxy

Backhander, A-Rodo and S2-Wawa are having lunch onboard A-Rodo’s spaceship, the “Millennium Server.” Whilst munching on some rather delicious alien-nuggets (which Backhander has promised not to mention in front of A-Rodo’s captain), Backhander notices that S2-Wawa has gone slightly green.

Backhander: Hey man. You ok? What’s wrong with you? I bought these alien-nuggets from “Martian King”…they are usually ok in there. Drat, I hope I’m not gonna get sick. That is the last thing I need right now. My back has only just healed.

S2-Wawa: No, don’t worry. I don’t think it is the nuggets. I haven’t been feeling well for a couple of days now. I think there is something in my system. Could you try and unblock me?

(Backhander kneels down and starts pressing a few buttons on his droid friend.)

S2-Wawa (laughs): Ooh that tickles…stop it! I think I might be malfunctioning.

Backhander: No, hold still S2. It looks like you’re right, there is something jammed in here real tight. No wonder you’re not feeling too good.

(After some more fiddling a 12-inch, 3D hologram of Princess Maria appears. A-Rodo’s jaw drops open as he stares at the Princess.)

A-Rodo: Damn! S2, how on mars did you get that babe stored in your system? I recognise her…she’s the Princess who regularly gets the top spot in “Galaxy Illustrated’s” poll of the top 100 space chicks. My favourite was the one where she was wearing the gold bikini. In fact, I’ve had a lot of fantasies involving…

Backhander: Yeah, I think we all have A-Rodo, but be quiet for a second. Listen…the hologram is saying something.

Princess Maria’s Hologram: Help me, Fourteen Slams-Kenobi. You’re my only hope. Help me, Fourteen Slams-Kenobi. You’re my only hope. Help me, Fourteen Slams-Kenobi. You’re my only hope.

A-Rodo: She’s only saying the same thing over and over again. See, you didn’t need me to stop talking about that gold bikini. I was just getting to the juicy stuff as well.

Backhander: S2, do you have anymore on there?

S2-Wawa: Hold on, I think I do.

(S2-Wawa concentrates hard and the hologram disappears. Just as A-Rodo decides that he has had enough and will go out and buy another portion of alien-nuggets, a new hologram of Princess Maria appears.)

Princess Maria Hologram Take-Two: Mr Kenobi, I must ask for your help in these most dismal of times. I have been captured by the Spanish Empire and am currently being held hostage on the “No.1 Star”. I have been forced to work as a model, and though I have been very successful, it is not my ambition in life to be just a pretty face.

Darth Raf-er has prevented me from taking parts in any duelathons and, as a result, I am no longer the ruling Princess on any of the four most important planets in our galaxy. I am worried I will soon be referred to simply as “Maria.” The Empire have been using the money I make from my modelling contracts to fund the training of their NASA Cup team. My Princess-saber has been confiscated by Darth Raf-er’s court jester and I have no means of escape. Help me, Fourteen Slams-Kenobi. You’re my only hope.

A-Rodo: Well, how did you manage to get that message installed on to your system S2?

S2-Wawa: I’m actually quite an interesting droid, you know. It’s just that no-one ever takes an interest. Anyway, that’s a long story involving a misplaced bet and a rather large wookie. The real question now is what are we going to do about this Princess? I don’t think it is a good idea for Roger to go parading about on the No.1 Star.

A-Rodo: Don’t worry. We won’t have to do that. I hear that Darth Raf-er has a huge entourage. Princess Maria is bound to be on Red Earth when Roger goes there to do battle.

Backhander: Yes, but I’m not going to have time to go around rescuing princesses once I step on to the duelling station. I need to focus. Even if I did hear that she might be a long-lost sister of mine…

A-Rodo: Do not fear…A-Rodo is here! I will come with you and rescue the Princess whilst Darth Raf-er is distracted by you. What say?

Backhander: Well, that is awfully good of you but I thought you couldn’t stand being on Red Earth. I wouldn’t ask you to make such a sacrifice.

A-Rodo: No sacrifice man. I would do anything for a hot chick in a gold bikini.

(So with that the three amigos buckle up as the Millennium Server takes off and heads to Red Earth.)

Scene Two: Red Earth

Darth Raf-er and his entourage have already landed on Red Earth. They are standing on the battle station waiting for Backhander to show up and are getting fidgety as they wait. Darth Raf-er’s entourage consists of: several Scottroopers, his court jester (the Djoker), Princess Maria and Verdy-the-Hott (who is with his latest girlfriend, Ana Astronovic). Some of the residents of Red Earth are also appearing on the horizon, taking their places in the viewing boxes around the battle station as this is one duel they don’t want to miss!

Darth Raf-er: Where is Forehander? He is late, no? Dis is boring.

Verdy-the-Hott: Paciencia, no? He will come, no? But I hear dat now he has dee name Roger Backhander. Is bit of a problemo, no?

Darth Raf-er: Is bit of a problemo, si. But I am dee bess, so is ok, no? Please do not tell Emperor Toni I say dat. Djoker…

Djoker: Yes my lord?

Darth Raf-er: Please do dee impresiones, tankyouverymuch. Dee people, dey are getting dee boredom, no?

(The Djoker obliges. First he rolls up his sleeves and lowers his shorts to do an impression of his master (somewhat anxiously). When this receives a loud applause from the audience and a nod of the head from Darth Raf-er he decides to do an impression of Princess Maria modelling the famous gold bikini. Whilst he is doing this someone from the crowd shouts that Roger Backhander is approaching.)

Backhander: I am here Darth Raf-er. Are you ready to duel? Prepare to meet your d-e-s-t-i-n-y.

Darth Raf-er: I no comprendo dis word, d-e-s-t-i-n-y. But, I am ready, no?

Backhander: Hold on, what’s your answer: a yes or a no?

Darth Raf-er: Si, no?

Backhander: Man, you are confusing me.

Darth Raf-er: I am ready, tankyouverymuch.

Backhander: Oh, ok.

Darth Raf-er: But firss, I muss tell jou someting: Roger, I am jour Papa.

Backhander: What?!?!?!? How is that even possible? I am older than you. That’s what half the fuss is about these days…that I haven’t got much left in me…what are you talking about?

Darth Raf-er: Oh, sorry, I say dat wrong. I mean: Roger, jou are about to become a Papa.

Backhander: Oh yes, well I obviously know about that.

Darth Raf-er: I congratulate jou.

Backhander: Thank you, that is very kind of you. But shall get on with battling now?

(With the niceties out of the way, Backhander and Darth Raf-er take to the duelling station and prepare to fight. Darth Raf-er does a run backwards and then comes hurtling towards Backhander and the Wilsonsaber and Babolatsaber meet together in a blaze of bright white light. The crowd watches as Darth Raf-er puts an enormous amount of saber-spin to Backhander’s backhand and as Backhander counteracts this with some saber-slice.

Meanwhile, A-Rodo has approached the Djoker who has resumed his post in guarding the Princess.)

A-Rodo: We meet again Mr Djoker. I am here to do battle with you and rescue the Princess.

Djoker: Look, that’s not really very fair. I am still wearing a gold bikini…it’ll be difficult for me to fight wearing this getup.

A-Rodo: Retiring before we’ve even begun? I expected no less…I just thought you might blame it on the extraterrestrial-flu going around at the moment. Or the blazing heat of Red Earth. Or is it just that you are afraid of the new and improved A-Rodo?

Djoker: Right, that’s it. We all know I’m a better dueller than you, especially on this planet. You may have the wise-cracks, but no-one does an impression quite like me. Prepare to be beaten.

(With that the Djoker gets out his Head-saber, a new weapon in his artillery. These two cannot use the central battle station since it is already occupied by the main characters in this story, so they decide to head over to battle station one. A few members of the audience follow them but the majority choose to stay on the central station.)

So what happens next? You, the reader, must decide. Which of the following choices will it be?

a) Backhander’s practice has paid off. Although it is a long duel, he defeats Darth Raf-er in five long duel-setters and claims the planet which has never before belonged to him.

The audience cheer and Darth Raf-er says, “Roger, jou are dee bess. I very happy for everyting. Tankyouverymuch.” Backhander thanks the audience and announces that he will retire to the planet of the G.O.A.T Knights once Roger Junior has been born. His final mission before his retirement will be to reclaim his home planet, the “Emerald Star”.

b) Try as he might, Backhander can do nothing to counteract the Spanish side of the Force. Darth Raf-er wins the duel in less than an hour and Backhander only just manages to hold back the tears. The audience cheer and Darth Raf-er says, “Roger, jou are dee bess. I very sorry for today but jou will still be G.O.A.T Knight. Tankyouverymuch”

c) You were not watching the duel as you were more interested in the one taking place on battle station one. On this station the two duellers started to fight but quickly became bored with it.

They decided to have a “laugh-off” instead to see which of them the audience found funnier. You thought they were both pretty good. (You also have the feeling that they were trying to impress the Princess.)

The choice is yours. If you have chosen option a) you are an optimist with hope in your heart but you may be slightly out of touch. If you have chosen option b) you are more of a realist. You grasp just how much power the Empire possesses at this point in the space-time continuum. Either that or you think Darth Raf-er is rather sweet really. If you have chosen option c) you are more interested in comedy than tennis.

Whichever choice you have made, remember that the Force will be with you…always.

Rafael Nadal: Three Weeks, Three Titles

Frankie — Sun, 03 May 2009 14:21:30 -0400

When I turned on my television set, ready to watch the Rome Masters tennis final, I got a very strong sense of déjà vu. I found myself thinking, “Are you sure you haven’t seen this somewhere before, Frankie? Have you somehow managed to travel back in time?”

Well, the answer to that is a resounding, “No!” Unfortunately, I have not yet worked out the complexities of time travel.

What I was witnessing was a replay of the Monte Carlo tennis final, only this time it was a few weeks later in Rome. Here was another Masters 1000 series final featuring the same two players on the same surface: the red stuff.

There was even the same pair of Prussian blue shoes present.

In fact, both players were wearing the same outfits. Novak Djokovic was sporting the Prussian blue T-shirt and shoes combination that seems to have brought him some success of late. Rafael Nadal sadly had not decided to make a return to the pirate look—opting instead for a T-shirt with sleeves.

All I can say is that I hope those boys have someone washing their outfits for them on a regular basis, or at least own a significant number of the same T-shirts. If not, they may risk driving the spectators from the court; those shirts probably don’t smell too pleasant after all those gruelling matches they’ve been playing.

Anyway, I appear to be going off on a tangent. What I am trying to say is that this matchup was becoming all too familiar to me. Even the outcome of the match was the same: the “King of Clay” (and just about everything else these days) managed to sink his teeth into another trophy after beating the "Djoker" 7-6, 6-2.

Instead of reading this article, readers may just wish to dig out the match reports on the final in Monte Carlo. The story has the same ending, after all. However, for those of you who wish to continue to read the ramblings of this tennis obsessive, here is a quick recap of the match in Rome from my perspective.

As the two gladiators walked out into their own special kind of amphitheatre, I was busy deciding whom to support. After some contemplation I decided that my allegiance would lie with "Nole."

Looking at the trophy, I thought to myself, “Rafa has enough of these babies already!”

I just wish to add that it took a large dose of moral courage to plump for Nole; the player who had defeated my all-time tennis favourite just the day before. Had Nole won, he would have also prevented Andrew Murray from taking the No. 3 ranking in men’s tennis. Being a Brit, this is something I have been waiting for. So it was no easy decision, as you can see.

However, I wanted to see someone other than Rafa take a clay title, and with the tennis he has been playing of late, I felt that Nole deserved it.

(I apologise to those readers who feel that I may have jinxed the match through my decision to support Nole. I have no idea why the player I support never seems to win, but I believe that the blame cannot be entirely placed on me.)

The first set was a delight to behold. Both players served up some mighty tennis. Powerful ground strokes were being traded from the baseline along with some nifty passing shots. Gasps of “ooh” and “aah” could be heard from the crowd.

However, as the business end of the first set neared it looked like Nole was in trouble. Rafa broke him to go up 5-4.

“It’s all over now,” I thought to myself as Rafa took his spot to serve out the first set. Fortunately, I was wrong, and there was plenty more thrilling tennis to come in the first set.

Digging deep, Nole put up a fight to break back and equalize the score to five games all. This was exciting stuff. It got even better when, thereafter, neither man was able to hold serve; the set had to be decided by a tiebreaker.

Unlike in Monte Carlo, Rafa was not prepared to give away a set. He promptly won the tiebreaker.

Other highlights in the first set included Nole’s feeble attempts at breaking his racket. With the tension mounting, and the frustration of several missed opportunities clearly written all over his face, it was not entirely unexpected. However, it was quite comical that Nole did not seem to get so much as a dent in his racket after two attempts. The guy needs some serious lessons in the art of racket smashing from Marat Safin and Fernando Gonzalez. Even Federer could give him a few tips.

The second set was a different story altogether. It seemed to be over before it had even begun. Both players held their service games to begin, and the match was still pretty tight.

However, as soon as Rafa managed to convert a break point to go up 4-2 in the second set, an air of inevitability set in. When Nole attempted (and failed) a drop shot in the next game, his desperation began to show.

Although Nole put up a good fight in the first set, Rafa broke his serve and his will in the second set. It was not long before Rafa was serving for his fourth Rome title.

Another day and another Masters title can be added to the list of Nadal’s unbelievable accomplishments. He is now one ahead of Federer’s total of 14 and not far behind the all-time leader, Andre Agassi, who has 17.

The question now is: “Can anyone stop this man on clay?”

The simple answer seems to be: “No.”

Rafa has now won two consecutive Masters 1000 series titles on clay, with a title in Barcelona sandwiched in-between. Are we sure he is human?

Perhaps someone from another planet can beat him, but no one from Earth seems likely to do so in the near future.

Update: Fellow Brits will be pleased to know that our man will now be moving up to the third spot in the world of men’s tennis. Yipee! Now we just have to wait for him to get a Slam title this year.

Tennis Wars Episode II: A Small Hope

Frankie — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 19:54:04 -0400

A long time ago, in a galaxy which is quite some distance away (and which some say doesn’t actually exist)...

Cue dramatic theme music and scrolling storyline.

The Spanish Empire is tightening its grip on the galaxy. When Darth Raf-er is not busy plying his not-so-short-shorts from his ass, he occupies himself by coming up with plans to conquer the only planet which is not yet under his control, “Blushing Pastures."

However, he fears that this may be his trickiest mission to date and has requested a visit from someone rather special to help him in his quest. The mysterious visitor is expected at Darth Raf-er’s home base, the “No.1 Star,” even as we speak.

Meanwhile, Roger Forehander, leader of the Tennis Rebellion, is busy seeking a space pilot to take him to an unknown planet in the outer galaxy which is not being watched over by the dreaded “Hermano Grande." He wishes to follow the orders of the famous G.O.A.T. Knight, Lava, who told him in the previous episode of this thrilling Tennis/Sci-Fi crossover series that he must practice with his Wilsonsaber in order to become Roger Backhander. Only then will Roger be able to defeat the Spanish Empire when he meets with Darth Raf-er on the clay of the “Red Earth."

On an interesting side note, Red Earth is famed for its unusual cuisine; on this planet, the inhabitants consider a dish of frog’s legs to be a tasty treat, rather than vomit-inducing.

Yes, Forehander knows that he alone must meet and do battle with the dark side of the Force. Should he succeed in this most perilous of encounters, he will be granted an honour which he has dreamed of his whole life: He will be named a G.O.A.T Knight.

The Red Earth has belonged to the Empire for four long years (which translates to four million years in “galaxy terms”). The time has arrived for the Tennis Rebellion to unleash this planet from the clutches of the Empire once and for all...

Scene One: The "No.1 Star"

The Scottroopers are lined up as a spaceship swoops down and lands in the battle station. Darth Raf-er marches down the centre of the aisle (formed by the Scottroopers) in time to the beat of some dark and overly dramatic theme music. He is making his way over to the mystery visitor who has just emerged from the spaceship.

Darth Raf-er: Saludos, Emperor Toni. Is good to see jou, no? Tankyouverymuch for making dis visit.

(Gasps and mutterings of “Och aye tha noo” can be heard from some of the Scottroopers as they realise who the visitor is. They have heard about the powers of persuasion which Emperor Toni possesses but have never witnessed it first hand...the force is strong with this one, no?)

Emperor Toni: Is no problemo, no? I come to help jou win dee Slam, no? I tell jou, when jou were only dee poco bebe, jou muss hold dee Babolatsaber wit dee left hand, no? And Toni was correcto, no? Wit my help, jou will win dee last duel on dee “Rojo Planeta” and be dee bess, no? But jou muss remember dat jou will say after dee win dat jou still tink Roger is bess, no?

(Emperor Toni stops talking, as he has noticed that Darth Raf-er is no longer paying attention. Darth Raf-er has spotted that the line-up of Scottroopers is not completely straight, and this has annoyed him so much that he is trying to move them about so that they are in a straight line.)

Darth Raf-er (turning back to Emperor Toni): Sorry, I no hear dat.

Emperor Toni: Is no problemo. But jou muss listen to me now. Is ok if jou need tings to be in dee straight lines. What dey call dis problemo, dee OCD, I tink, no? But jou must be careful in dee dueling cos jou get dee penalty for dee wasting of dee time.

Darth Raf-er: I very sorry Emperor.

Emperor Toni: Is ok, no? Jou still have muchos to learn.

Darth Raf-er: But I am dee bess, no?

Emperor Toni: No, no, no! Dee "numero uno rule" is dat jou are never dee bess. Always jou muss remember dat. Jou need to work harder, no? We muss go for dee practice now, no? Or Roger may win on dee clay. It is unlikely, si, but always jou muss improve.

(With that, Darth Raf-er and Emperor Toni head off so that Emperor Toni can teach Darth Raf-er some new tactics to use against Forehander and check that Darth Raf-er’s Babolatsaber skills are still up to scratch.)

Scene Two: Outside a seedy looking bar on Forehander’s home planet, the “Emerald Star”

Roger Forehander has been joined by his shorter, lesser-known side-kick and part-time ally, S2-Wawa (For those of you who are not up to date with droid lingo, the "S2" stands for a brand known as "Swiss No.2".) Forehander and S2-Wawa enter the joint and make their way through the crowd towards the bar.

Forehander: Isn’t it just awful to be on your home planet and yet know that someone else is in control of it?

S2-Wawa: Yeah, terrible. Can’t imagine how that feels at all.

Forehander (ignoring S2-Wawa): I mean, these days I have to be careful where I go, as the Spanish Empire is always trying to track me down and capture me. They have so many spies, I can hardly trust anyone. I don’t understand how the Empire has managed to turn so many around to its way of thinking. I thought everyone loved me.

S2-Wawa (looks fed-up): To be honest, I wouldn’t really know. I always seem to go unnoticed.

(Forehander and S2-Wawa are now in front of the bar. Forehander immediately grabs the attention of the barman, whereas S2-Wawa seems to have gone unnoticed...again. This seems to have displeased S2-Wawa, who can be heard muttering something like “straight sets victory” under his breath.)

Forehander (to the barman): A very good morning to you, kind sir. Would you please be so kind as to point me in the direction of the pilot known around these parts as A-Rodo? He is an old friend of mine.

Barman: Most certainly, and especially since you asked in such a gentleman-like manner. I always thought it was a bit more posh around here when you were the ruler. No one wants to wear those nice cardigans now that you’re not in charge anymore. Shame really, I always preferred those to the tank tops everyone has taken to wearing these days. But anyway, I digress...the man you want is sitting over there (points). I think he’s reading the latest copy of “Galaxy Illustrated." Looks like he is absorbed (laughs).

Forehander: Many thanks.

(Forehander and S2-Wawa make their way across the room towards the booth where A-Rodo is slurping on a pint of Milky Way Beer, eating a space-burger and flicking through photos of various space babes.)

Forehander: A-Rodo! Good to see you man! Isn’t that a picture of Ana Astronovic?

A-Rodo (jumps and looks up guiltily): Oh, Roger, it’s you! Phew! I thought you were my captain. I’m not really supposed to be eating the space-burgers these days (grins sheepishly). Yeah, that is Ana. Some of these space chicks are mega-hot. I kinda use this as a dating catalogue sometimes!

Forehander: OK...whatever floats your spaceship, I guess. Look, don’t worry about the burger, I won’t say a word. Actually, I’m here to ask you a favour.

A-Rodo (looks incredulous): You? Ask me a favour?! If it is "Can I beat you in our next duel?" then, yeah man, you know I always let you win! (Laughs)

Forehander: Yeah, whatever. No, what I wanted to ask you is whether you could give me a hand with something. As you have probably heard, I want to reclaim some of the planets which have been taken over by the Empire. Firstly, I need to defeat Darth Raf-er on the clay of the Red Earth, and that is gonna be tricky. Secondly, and more importantly, I simply must reclaim this planet. The Emerald Star is my home. So what I need to do is go and practice some new moves with my Wilsonsaber before I try and take on the Empire.

A-Rodo: Sure man, I’ll help you if I can, but I’m not going with you to the Red Earth. I hate that planet. I can’t take the climate or the general environment there. That red dirt is always getting into my eyes. Hate the stuff.

Forehander: Fair enough, my friend. I would not ask you to venture with me to such perilous lands. What I wanted to ask you is whether you still own the spaceship called the “Millenium Server." I hear she is the fastest ship in the galaxy and that you are a pretty decent pilot.

A-Rodo: Funny, most people call her a piece of junk. But I guess you’ve always been polite...yeah, I’m still flying that baby. She can still jump into light-speed, too: Goes 0 to 155 space-knots in less than a second. Pretty impressive, huh? So when we goin’ then? You wanna go now? Sorry pal, but if you do, it is gonna cost you!

Forehander: Yes, I need to go right now. I’m willing to pay a lot. I’ve got a lot of cash, so I may as well splash it!

A-Rodo: That’s good of you buddy, but I’m not interested in your big ones. What I really want is my dignity back. I need you to let me win the next time we meet in a quarter or semi-duelathon. Preferably in “Blushing Pastures.” Could you do that?

Forehander: I dunno, that’s a lot to ask. You know I have my pride as well, but I tell you what. If I do manage to defeat Darth Raf-er on the clay, I will do your bidding. Is that a deal?

A-Rodo: OK, it’s a deal, but I think I still think I am being taken for ride here, as usual. Oh well, you always knew I was a bit of a fool for you, Rog. I always am a sucker for the good guys! Alright, let’s go. You wanna bring that droid of yours along too? He’s been awfully quiet.

Forehander: Yes, if that’s OK with you. By the way, where’s your pal? Mardyfisher or Jamesblaker...what’s his name again? You know, the one who always growls?

A-Rodo: You mean my co-pilot? Yeah, the author of this article couldn’t come up with a very good name for him, so he’s not here. Sorry about that. Guess it is just you, me, and your little droid going on this adventure of yours. Should be fun!

(With that, A-Rodo gets up, downs the rest of his pint and indicates for Forehander and S2-Wawa to follow him to his spaceship.)

Next time on the final episode of Tennis Wars:

Roger Forehander becomes Roger Backhander with a little help from his pilot buddy, A-Rodo. Backhander then finds out that his long-lost Russian sister, Princess Maria, is being held hostage by Darth Raf-er. He must release her so that she can help A-Rodo in some mixed-doubles duelling whilst he (Roger) finally faces his ultimate nemesis on the clay of the Red Earth. Should be exciting...stay tuned!

An Open Letter to Tim "The Tiger" Henman from a Scottish Pal

Frankie — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 18:41:46 -0400

Dear Timmy "The Tiger" Henman,

I hope this letter finds you well and enjoying your freedom now that the hopes of the nation are no longer on your shoulders. What have you been getting up to since retiring from the beautiful game?

I heard that you like to play a spot of golf – maybe we could have a little match sometime (or are you afraid I might beat you at that as well as tennis these days?!) Rafa likes golf too, but I prefer not to play him, after all, it’s bad enough being whipped off the clay courts by him, never mind the golf course!

I gather you did a bit of commentating on Wimbledon last year as well. I’m afraid I didn’t catch much of it. (I was busy working the nation up into hysterics by getting to the quarter-finals…I am sure you can relate.) But I did hear about your first attempt.

What are the chances that your first time in the commentary box would end up with you getting a sore throat and having to cut back in the second week? I guess life really does imitate art sometimes (no offense mate!) That’s probably never happened to Johnny Mac.

Anyway, the real reason I am writing to you is to ask for a little advice. You have always been a great friend to me, and given me plenty of helpful tips in the past (the one about using 'Ariel' washing powder to get your tennis whites bright was especially handy).

I thought that with Wimbledon being not too far off it would be a good time to get some guidance from the last guy who carried the expectations of a nation into the second best Slam of the year. (I personally dig the New York gig more).

Obviously everyone expects great things from me now. Some are even saying I’m going to be the world number two before the French Open. I am rather good I suppose; I’m already number four in the world and I’m only twenty-one! I believe number four was your best wasn’t it? (Again, no offense intended buddy – that is pretty damn impressive - but I think I may make it a little higher up the ladder eventually. I've already won eleven titles and that was all you managed in your whole career!)

So I can understand people being excited and all. I think they’ve even forgotten that little joke I made about the English football team.

It’s funny how people stopped accusing me of being grumpy and surly once I got to the finals of the US Open. Ok, so I didn’t win it, but I’ve sure shown Roger who is boss since that match – bet he’s wishing he didn’t give me that rather useful advice about becoming more offensive in my play now! (Sorry man, I know he is your friend.)

Anyway, I’m playing even better now and it did take Nole two attempts to win his first Slam title so I’m pretty excited about what all this means (although no-one ever seems to realise that just because I don’t go around with a big grin plastered on my face all day long.)

For the first time in a long, long, long while there is a real chance that someone from Scotland…sorry…Great Britain will win a Slam. So I totally understand the Murray mania going on in the British press. To be perfectly honest, I think it is more like the Rafa and Andy show than the Rafa and Roger show at the moment.

Still, I would be grateful for any advice on how to keep the stalkers away and the microphones from being thrust in my face all the time. Seems I always get bombarded with them around June.

Oh, and any tips on which practice courts are good to use if I want to avoid being tracked down by Sue Barker and interviewed for the gazillionth time about an easy match which I’m bound to win anyway?

At least you had Greg. I have no-one here to help take some of the press attention off me. It was great when that Chris Eaton kid got the wild-card last year but unfortunately he only made it to the second round and then it was “Andy! Andy! Andy!” all over again. I know my brother plays tennis, but no-one seems to take a blind bit of notice of the doubles.

However, I will admit that the support from the crowd can be brilliant. Last year it really helped me turn around my match against Richard Gasquet, so it’s not all bad. And I love getting Centre Court…some of the other guys got really jealous about that last year!

So, any advice would be most welcome. I hope you will be sitting on 'Murray Mound' when the time comes. (I’m sorry that it is not known as 'Henman Hill' anymore, really, I am.) Thanks again for all your help so far. I really do appreciate it.

Yours with the greatest respect,

Andrew Murray

P.S. Do you think you’d be able to put in a good word for me at 'Ariel'? I quite fancy carrying on the tradition of advertising washing powder. Cheers.

P.P.S. I was trying to think of a cool nickname for myself. I want something like ‘Tiger Tim’ but can’t think of many ferocious animals whose name begins with the letter ‘A’. Any suggestions? All I have so far is ‘Aardvark’ Andy and that is definitely not cool.

Men's Tennis Update: What Did We Learn in Monte Carlo?

Frankie — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 08:27:26 -0400

So what did we learn about our favourite boys whilst they played on the red stuff in Monte Carlo?

Here are a few of my thoughts about what could be in store for the rest of the clay season if this tournament is anything to go by:

Rafael Nadal Still the Undisputed King of Clay

But we knew that already, right?

Unfortunately for his opponents, Rafa’s success on the other tennis surfaces has not diminished any of his powers on clay. By winning in Monte Carlo, Rafa has (once again) made history, as he is the only man to have won an ATP World Tour Masters 1000 tournament five times in a row.

However, there were a few small visible rays of hope for the other players who will have to face him on a clay court.

Firstly, Andy Murray (not known for his prowess on clay) took Rafa to a tiebreaker in the second set of their semifinal match, showing slight susceptability on the part of the Spaniard.

Secondly, Novak Djokovic managed to take a set (a whole set!) off Rafa in the final. Obviously, after this occurred, Rafa must have been thinking, "How dare he?" as he responded by thrashing Djokovic 6-1 in the deciding set.

Still, these two performances show that Rafa can be beaten on the red dirt. After all, if Nole could get one set, then why not two (or even three at the French)? Surely it is possible?!

Of course, to win against Rafa, a player would have to play as though their life depended on it. Guess that goes without saying.

There’s not really much else to say here. Unless there is a huge upset, Rafa will remain the man to beat (or at least to try and take a set off) in the clay season.

Novak Djokovic Has Found His Form

And is still wearing the blue shirt-blue shoes combination. Note that his shade of blue has been termed “Prussian” by our community leader.

Yes, the form which has been missing of late seems to have finally made its way back to the Djoker. In my opinion, he was definitely the second-best player of the tournament, playing solidly throughout, and fully deserved his place in the final.

He also showed that playing against Rafa on clay can still result in a competitive match.

Having now made the finals of two tournaments in a row, perhaps he is once again becoming a serious contender for any title?

And perhaps there is some magic in those blue shoes that he is not telling us about. I mean, seriously, why would he be sporting them otherwise?

Andy Murray Remains a Top Player

That holds true even on clay.

Andy Murray really made his big breakthrough last year after getting to the Wimbledon quarterfinals. Do you remember his crazy fourth-round match against Richard Gasquet? I’m sure all you Brits out there do!

The last time Andy played on clay was at the French Open. Since then, he has come on by leaps and bounds, powering his way up to become a member of the mighty “Top Four.”

Therefore, no one (himself included) was sure how he would take to the clay. He has never produced very good results on this surface; he had never even gotten to a quarterfinal on clay before this tournament.

But Andy showed that he is not just a one-trick pony and that he is now a true contender on any surface by making his way to the semis.

He put up a particularly fantastic fight again Fabio Fognini in the third round, coming back from 0-5 down in the first set to go on and take the match in straight sets. And of course, he took Rafa to a tiebreaker in their semifinal match.

Murray is now a serious threat on any surface.

Stanislas Wawrinka Is Officially the New Kid in Town

Wawrinka is ready to play with the big boys.

Now, I’m not going to blow my own trumpet or anything like that, but...I told you so!

I was pleased to see Stan doing so well in Monte Carlo. Before this tournament got underway, I wrote an article about him, noting that he is a player who often goes unnoticed even though he has produced some very good results this year.

Stan certainly proved that he has the goods when he beat Roger Federer in straight sets in the third round of the tournament. He went on to reach the semis and only lost to an in-form Novak Djokovic.

Wawrinka has consistently been playing some top-class tennis against the best of the bunch (taking Novak to two tiebreakers in Indian Wells and Rafa to two tiebreakers in Miami). Clay is his favourite surface, so he is definitely one to look out for this season.

Nickolay Davydenko Can Finally Be Proclaimed Injury-Free

Yes, the Russian is back!

He has not played competitively since Rotterdam in February, as a pesky heel injury has sidelined him. Therefore, it was not easy to predict how he would play in Monte Carlo.

But he did not give a bad performance by any means. He made it to the quarterfinals, where he eventually lost out to Murray. He even beat David Nalbandian on his way.

Davydenko is a good clay-courter, having reached the semis of the French Open twice, so it should be interesting to see how this season turns out for him. Fingers crossed that he remains healthy.

Other Thoughts

Gilles Simon and the rest of the French clan made an early exit, but I’m not sure what to make of this! Simon and Marc Gicquel were the only French players who managed to make it past the first round.

However, both were swiftly knocked out in the second by Andreas Beck and David Ferrer, respectively.

...

Following his amazing run in Oz this year, Fernando Verdasco has been consistently making it to the quarterfinals of tournaments. However, the real question now is whether he can power through to the next couple of rounds and become a true contender for a title.

...

Juan Martin del Potro showed that tennis is a funny old sport. One day you are on top of the world and the next you are making a second-round exit. Guess that’s just the way it goes sometimes.

Del Potro is still a bit inconsistent when it comes to producing results. This is why I think he is not yet rated alongside the likes of Murray and Djokovic.

However, he is still young and I hope he can go much deeper into the upcoming tournaments and show the world why he is a member of the top 10. After all, when he turns it on, he is a top-notch player!

...

Roger, Roger, Roger!

Yes, I’m going to refer to my hero, but I’m not going to make a big deal of it. There have been many articles documenting Federer’s third-round exit in Monte Carlo.

After having got a last minute wild-card entry into the tournament and then leaving so soon, many of us were left thinking that perhaps he should have just gone on his honeymoon after all.

However, there is still hope! As Long John alluded to in one of his articles, perhaps Roger was just trying out some new tactics when he lost to Stan. I sincerely hope this is the case.

I fear that I might anger the great man, but I’m going to say it anyway…

...cough cough...

Time to get a coach, perhaps?

...

And finally, Andy Roddick showed that he still isn't a big fan of the red dirt and decided to get married instead! Congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. A-Rod!

Tennis Wars Episode I: The Spanish Empire Strikes Back...Again

Frankie — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 17:12:33 -0400

A long time ago, in a galaxy which is quite some distance away (and which some say doesn’t actually exist)...

Cue dramatic theme music and scrolling storyline.

It is a bleak time for Roger Forehander and his allies in the Tennis Rebellion. The Empire has driven Forehander and his chums from many of the planets which had been living in peace with Forehander as their leader.

The galaxy is in disarray, with many not knowing who to trust as their rightful king. Some inhabitants long for the old days and for things to go back to how they were; others welcome the shift in power after the many years with Forehander in charge.

Fortunately, all is not lost, as the members of the Tennis Rebellion still have one remaining base on the planet known as "Blushing Pastures." However, Forehander has been told by his mentor, Fourteen Slams-Won Kanobi (sometimes known as old Pete Kanobi), that he must leave the Tennis Rebellion, which is busy coming up with tactics to attack the Empire’s man-made planet, the "No. 1 Star," and journey on his own.

Kanobi wants Forehander to pay a visit to the famous G.O.A.T. Knight, Lava, to learn more about the ways of the Force.

Darth Raf-er, leader of the Empire and its lands, is meanwhile seeking to take Blushing Pastures. Should he claim it, his Empire will be complete. But first, he must meet with Forehander on the clay of the "Red Earth" and the green pastures of the "Emerald Star"...

Scene One: Lava’s Lair on the Lonely Planet "Calendar Slam"

Roger Forehander and Fourteen Slams-Won Kanobi have just landed on the deserted planet of "Calender Slam." They are walking through the blazing heat towards the sandy shores of the planet, where Kanobi hopes they will find Lava.

Forehander: Look, Fourteen Slams-Won, I am awfully grateful for you bringing me here and all, but I really don’t think it is necessary. I don’t need to speak to a G.O.A.T. Knight, I’ve spoken to so many, and I know my own powers, I don’t need any help. I can wield my Wilsonsaber perfectly well, thank you.

Kanobi: You are wrong, my friend. I think you will benefit immensely. You may have spoken to some of the G.O.A.T. Knights of tennis, myself included, but you have never met a man with as much power as Lava. He is still considered the greatest of all G.O.A.T. Knights. He will help you fight back against the Empire and reclaim your home planet, the Emerald Star. Then you too will be permitted entrance to the planet of the Knights. That is what you want, isn’t it?

Forehander: Well, yes, I suppose...but I’m still not convinced.

(Kanobi spots Lava topping up his tan on the beach.)

Kanobi: Lava, here he is. I have brought him to you.

(Kanobi pushes a reluctant Forehander towards Lava.)

Lava: The famous Forehander, is this? Hmm. Come for my advice? Hmm. Trust me, you must. Doubt me, never.

Forehander (to Kanobi): Why does he talk backwards?

Lava: Talk backwards, you say? Hmm. And that is what you must do. Play as Roger Backhander. No longer will you be known as Roger Forehander when I have finished with you. No. A fine tool, your Wilsonsaber is. But trust me, you must.

Forehander: Sorry, do you think you could say that again? I speak a lot of different languages, but I’m afraid I couldn’t understand what you meant.

Lava: Darth Raf-er, he is strong, no? He plays with powerful top spin, no? He wields his Babolatsaber in his left hand, no? So you must use the force to counteract this, no? And the only way to do this is to become Roger Backhander, no?

Forehander: I suppose you do have a point there. Even some of those Scottroopers have been targeting my Wilsonsaber skills recently. But why are you suddenly talking as though you are part of the new Empire?

Lava: Sorry. Infiltrating their ranks, I have been. Happen, this does. Hmm. But listen, you must. Use the force. It surrounds us, it is within us. Harbour it and you will become a G.O.A.T. Knight, too. Be patient, you must.

Forehander: Well, half of that "Force" stuff sounds like utter baloney, but point about the Backhander business taken. Perhaps if I combine that with Kanobi’s advice about coming forward to attack, I’ll do better. Perhaps I’ll try out my tactics on some of the Scottroopers on a smaller planet in the outer galaxy.

Kanobi: Go, you must...sorry, that way of talking is contagious. What I mean is, you must go. I will stay here with Lava and play some poker. This is your challenge, and your challenge only. You alone can determine your destiny.

With that, Forehander takes off to practice. But first he must find a comrade to fly him to a small planet off the Empire's radar where he can put his plan into action...

Next Time on Tennis Wars:

Darth Raf-er prepares for a visit from Emperor Toni whilst Roger Forehander hires A-Rodo to help him get to a small planet to practice so he can become Roger Backhander before he once again meets Darth Raf-er on the planet known as Red Earth.

(Phew…that was quite a mouthful!)

N.B. This article was inspired by Rohini and Sergery and their articles on Harry Potter and Robin Hood, respectively. So if you like it - great! And some of the credit must go to them. If not, blame them. Just kidding :)

Andy Murray Promises To Wear Kilt (Humour)

Frankie — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 17:54:33 -0400

Frankie’s News can today exclusively reveal that the well-known Scottish tennis player, Andy Murray, has promised to wear a kilt if he makes it to the final of one of the remaining Grand Slams this year. He has confirmed that he will wear the kilt whilst playing in the finals should he make it thus far.

The kilt, for those readers who are unaware, is a traditional Scottish garment. It resembles a skirt but is worn by men rather than women.

Kilts are usually knee-length, made of wool and have a tartan pattern. Many Scottish men like to wear their kilt without any underwear as they believe that this is the mark of a “true Scotsman”.

It would seem that Andy Murray fits into the “true Scotsman” category. He told Frankie’s News:

“Of course I’ll be wearing it in the traditional manner. I’d be ignoring tradition if I didn’t.”

Pressed on why he has chosen this point in his career to wear a kilt, Andy responded, “Actually, I can’t believe I didn’t think of this earlier on. Perhaps if I had worn a kilt in Indian Wells I would have won that final match against Rafa. The gusts of wind were really strong that day, if you get what I’m saying. And that may have helped put Rafa off a little bit.”

Frankie’s News asked some of the other tennis players on the tour what they think of this move from Murray. Here are some of the responses we got:

Rafael Nadal: “What is dis keelt? It is like dee skirt, no? Why Andy wanna wear dis? I no comprendo. What is dee ‘commando’? I go now. Tankyouverymuch.”

Roger Federer: (Angrily) “Look…I’ve already told you…I’ve had like 20 coaches in the last…oh, what was that? You’re not asking me the coach question again…ok. Look, I really have to go. The wife will be wondering where I am, you know.”

Novak Djokovic: “At least that’ll take some of the heat off me for a while. But I must say how much Andy has improved these last couple of months, I’m really impressed. We’ve had some close matches, but the guy has really come along…”(Novak carries on gushing about how much Andy has improved his tennis but we at Frankie's News know he is secretly wetting his pants about losing his No.3 ranking to Murray very soon.)

Andy Roddick: “Look, I’m not gonna comment. Probably just get myself into trouble again. Don’t want people to take things the wrong way, you know what I mean? All I’ll say is, dude, why?”

Serena Williams: “Ok then...Isn’t he the guy that my sis "played" with in Miami?”

Caroline Wozniacki: “I’d personally prefer to see either my little Fernandino or Rafa wear one (laughs).” (Interestingly, this response was given by the majority of female tennis players we asked.)

Tell us what you think by voting in today’s poll.

Footnote: Readers will be pleased to hear that the former world No. 1 tennis player, Roger Federer, has finally been released after being held hostage by Andy Roddick in an unknown location for six days. Roddick is reported to have told some members of the press, “I just couldn’t be bothered to keep going out and fetching him Swiss chocolate. It all got too much.”

For full details of the kidnapping of Federer, please refer to the archives of Frankie’s News.

The Other Swiss Tennis Player

Frankie — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 15:02:36 -0400

Question: What is Switzerland famous for?

Answer: The Alps, its beautiful crystal lakes, chocolate (yum yum!) and the multiple languages spoken there.

Of course it can now also add a famous tennis player to that list.

But apart from Roger Federer there are a few other names that come to mind when thinking about Swiss tennis. Martina Hingis is, of course, another well-known Swiss tennis champion. And then there is Patty Schnyder who is still playing on the women’s circuit.

But I think that one more name could possibly be added to that list in the future. Yes, I’m having a The Other Boleyn Girl type moment. Except that I’m talking about The Other Swiss Tennis Player.

His name? Stanislas Wawrinka. (Stan for short.)

The No.2 Swiss player is likely to have caught most people’s attention after winning the Olympic Gold medal with Monsieur Federer in the tennis doubles at the 2008 Olympics in Beijing.

Remember that weird ritual-type thing Stan and Roger did after they won? I believe that Roger said he was pretending to warm up his hands on Stan who was “on fire”. Yeah, I know, even world champions can be weird at times.

Anyway, Stan certainly caught my attention that day and I have been interested in watching his progress ever since.

After all, can you imagine being another male Swiss tennis player right now? Walking in someone else’s shadow is to put it mildly! So I think we should all learn a bit more about him…

Here are a few vital details (courtesy of the ATP World Tour website www.atpworldtour.com):

DOB: 28/03/1985 (24 years of age)

Birthplace: Lausanne, Switzerland

Residence: St Barthelemy, Switzerland

Height: 6’0’’

Weight: 174 lbs

Plays: Right-handed

Turned Pro: 2002

If you are wondering about the surname, Stan is descended from Polish ancestry. His father is German and his mother is Swiss. He has three siblings, one of whom teaches tennis and the others are both students and tennis players. Must run in the family, huh?!

Stan was a relatively late-starter as far as tennis is concerned; he only began playing at the age of eight.

His current ranking is No.16 in the world but was as high as No.9 in 2008. Stan’s weapon of choice is his backhand (which is one-handed—maybe it is a Swiss trait?!) and his favoured surface is the red dirt. In fact, he was the French Open Junior Champion in 2003.

Although not at an all-time career high as far as his ranking is concerned, Stan’s year has been pretty impressive nonetheless as far as I’m concerned.

Let’s cast our minds back to as recently as the Indian Wells and Miami tournaments.

Although Stan was by no means a big news story in America as far as Men’s Tennis was concerned (what with Juan Martin del Potro taking out Raphael Nadal in the quarters in Miami and then Roger having a racket-smashing episode against Novak Djokovic in the semis of the same tournament) he definitely produced some solid results.

In Indian Wells he made it to the fourth round of the tournament, beating both Andreas Seppi and Sam Querry on his way. In fact, he even saved two match points in his match against Querry.

Unfortunately for him, his opponent in the fourth round was Novak, the world No.3. Although Stan has had two wins out of the seven times he has met the Djoker, he has never won any in, what I call, the ‘biggies’ (i.e. the ATP Masters events).

However, the match in California was definitely an interesting watch and I found myself urging Stan on. It is always fun to cheer for the underdog (except, in my case, when they’re playing against Roger) and especially one who puts up a good fight.

And Stan certainly did put up a good fight. Although he eventually lost, it was by no means a walk-over. The final score line read 7-6, 7-6. In my opinion, the fact that Stan could stand toe-to-toe with someone like Novak says a lot about the quality of his play. He was not overwhelmed by the occasion and gave it his best shot. It is what I term “a loss which you can be proud of”.

What must have been frustrating for Stan is that Novak went on to lose to Andy Roddick in the next round in a very lethargic manner. However, Roddick also had to witness Federer do the same thing to him in Miami. Roger beat him and then went on to self-destruct against Novak in the Miami tournament. The phrase ‘swings and roundabouts’ comes to mind. But I am drifting off my point.

Back to Stan…and a very similar story emerged for him in Miami. Again he reached the fourth round of the tournament and again he met a very highly ranked tennis player. The world No.1 to be exact. In this match Stan forced Rafa (just as he did Novak) to work hard to earn the match. Although Stan lost, he did so again in two tiebreakers (7-6, 7-6). And this was against the best of the best.

Another notable performance was given by Stan in this year’s Davis Cup tie between Switzerland and the USA. After Federer pulled out of the tie because of a back injury, Stan became the lead player for his country.

Stan managed to pull off the only win for his team, beating James Blake in four sets. Unfortunately, he could not overcome the American’s lead player, Andy Roddick, losing to him in straight sets. However, the Swiss team were never going to be the favourites once they lost their top player to injury, and Stan ensured that the result was not a complete white-wash.

Although Stan only reached the third round at the Australian Open this year, his Slam results have been steadily improving. His best results came in 2008, where he made the fourth round at both Wimbledon and the US Open, and the third round of the French.

Since his favoured surface is the red stuff, it should be interesting to see what kind of results he can produce as we enter the clay season. Could he possibly go on to win the French Open and put the “senior” trophy beside his “junior one”? I highly doubt it. But he may have a good chance of getting to the latter stages of some of the clays tournaments as long as he doesn’t run into a certain Spaniard on the way.

With Roger and Novak going through some tough times of late, and some of the other top players not favouring the dirt, (two players named Andy come to mind) the clay season is a bit more “open”. Of course, Stan will have to watch out for the Spanish and Argentinean players who traditionally enjoy playing on this surface. In particular, he may have to watch out for Verdasco and Del Potro.

Interestingly, Stan may have to play his fellow Swiss player and friend, Roger Federer, very soon in the first clay tournament of the season, the Monte Carlo Masters event. On Sunday Stan beat Viktor Troicki in the first round of the tournament and if both he and Roger win their second round matches they will meet each other in the third round.

Will Stan be able to beat the world No.2? Again, I highly doubt it. Roger showed no mercy to the friend who helped him achieve his lifelong ambition of winning an Olympic gold medal when they played earlier in the year. Roger downed his opponent 6-1, 6-3 in the final of the Kooyong Classic held in Australia in January of this year to take the title.

Whatever happens in the upcoming clay season, Stan has already proven that he is a solid tennis player. It is yet to be seen whether he can take his tennis up a notch or two and establish himself as a steady top 10 player.

He has not yet reached the age considered a male player’s “tennis prime” (i.e. he hasn’t yet hit 25 years of age) and therefore still has time to improve.

Who knows? Maybe we are looking at a Fernando Verdasco of the future? Perhaps. Perhaps not.

But whatever happens, never underestimate...the other Swiss tennis player.

Do You Suffer from a Roger Federer Addiction?

Frankie — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 07:46:48 -0400

Just a bit of fun!

I know that there are many Roger Federer fanatics in the tennis domain of Bleacher Report (myself included). Therefore, I decided it would be interesting to find out just how truly obsessed some of us are with the great man!

If you can answer "Yes" to any of the following statements then you may be suffering from a condition known as "Acute Rogeritis":

You have had the "RF" motif emblemized on to your trainers, caps, jackets, your recently purchased cardigan or other items of clothing.
You book all your holidays to Switzerland or Dubai (depending on the time of year) so that you might “accidently” bump into Roger (after having found out where he lives and spending all your time hanging around the vicinity).
You name your first born child Roger (even if it is a girl).
You suffer from reoccurring nightmares which feature yourself in a bull ring holding a red flag and a certain Spanish tennis player charging at you like a bull. The ground is covered in clay.
You couldn’t get out of bed for at least three days after Roger lost either a) the Wimbledon 2008 final or b) the Australian 2009 final.
For some unknown reason, you have suddenly come to hate Spain with a passion.
You decided to smash up your Wilson racket after witnessing your idol losing that semi-final match in Miami against the Djoker. No better way to get out all the anger and frustration you felt at seeing Roger self-destruct in that match.
You have also recently decided that you are not too keen on Scotland.
You stay up until some crazy early hour of the morning just to watch you man in action against an unseeded player in a first round match of a small tournament.
At night time you pray to Roger Federer.

Many well-known names suffer from ‘"Acute Rogeritis," such as Gavin Rossdale and Anna Wintour. Some have even developed the more severe form of the disease known as "Chronic Rogeritis" (such as the author herself).

Other sufferers of the chronic form include Rohini, Gil, Clarabella, Casper, Freaky, and jaa. There is as yet no cure found, although many claim that they are not seeking a cure.

P.S. I promise my next article will not, I repeat NOT, be about the Swiss maestro. As you can see, my condition has been taking a turn for the worse recently…

Roger Federer To Play in Monte-Carlo

Frankie — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 11:45:06 -0400

Well, it looks like us Fed fans won't have to wait so long to see our favorite player in action again after all!

Today it was revealed on Roger Federer's website (www.rogerfederer.com) that he has accepted a wild card entry into the Monte-Carlo Rolex Masters tournament. Roger's message to his fans reads as follows:

Dear Fans

I have decided to accept a wildcard into the Monte-Carlo Rolex Masters tournament that begins on Monday. I will head there this weekend to start the clay court season.

Thanks to all of you for your continued support.

All the best,

Roger

So what does this mean?

As a fan, I think this can only be good news. It shows that after that miserable loss to Novak Djokovic in the semis in Miami, Roger has not given up and retreated into hiding. No, no, no, no, no....instead he has decided to step it up and get in some more clay court practice. Now that's the mark of a true champ....and hopefully a sign that he is in a positive frame of mind.

Looks like he's serious about trying to complete his impressive CV with the missing Slam!

The good news also means I get to watch Roger in action again sooner than I expected—YAY!

Looks like Roger was serious when he said, "Thank god the hard court season is over....I'm moving over to clay, a new chapter."

As a fan I am hoping he can make it to the finals for the fourth year in a row, but this time I want a different outcome on the final day! Fourth times a charm. (Ok, so I know it's actually "third time lucky" but for Monsieur Federer we shall make an exception!)

But the real question is: Will Roger be wearing his Rolex?!

Watch this space...

So what do you folks think of the news?!

Roger Federer Taken Hostage (Humour)

Frankie — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 14:33:07 -0400

Frankie's News

BREAKING NEWS!

Former tennis world No.1 and fan favourite Roger Federer was captured in the early hours of this morning and is currently being held hostage. The exact whereabouts of the tennis ace is unknown as this goes to print. However, it is thought that he is being held somewhere in the state of Texas...

Frankie’s News (the best for breaking all the latest stories) can exclusively reveal that the man responsible for this atrocity is none other than Federer’s tennis colleague and another former tennis world No.1 himself, Andy Roddick.

It is not known what state of mind Roddick was in when the kidnapping took place, but judging by the statement released by Roddick just over an hour ago, it’s not a stable one.

Frankie's News is, as always, the first to provide its readers with the latest developments in this story and has managed to get access to the statement. It reads as follows:

Dear Guys and Gals,

This statement is to confirm that the rumours are true. I, Andy Roddick, the best American player on the ATP tennis tour and winner of the US Open in 2003, have captured Roger Federer and am holding him hostage. (That is, unless you guys have found me by the time this thing gets printed...which I hope doesn’t happen.)

Anyway, I want to assure you that Roger is being treated kindly and munching on a home-made waffle as we speak.

So I hear you ask, “Why, Andy? Why have you kidnapped Roger? What has he ever done to you?”

Well guys, I can answer that all too easily. “What has he ever done to you?” I’ll tell you what he has done to me; the guy has now HUMILIATED me one too many times. That’s what he’s done.

I mean, I could take it when he took my world No.1 ranking all those years ago. I mean, I’d only had it for like...what...three months? But hey, at the time I thought that he’d at least give me a chance of getting it back sometime in the near future.

Well we all know how that turned out—four years at the top for Roger—that’s just plain greedy in my books. At least the Spanish kid put an end to that! (See how it feels Roger? Not nice, is it?)

Then there’s the head-to-head record I have going with Roger. It’s not pretty whatever way you look at it.

Two wins out of nineteen meetings with the same player is not something you want on your résumé. I mean, if it wasn’t for this dude I could have been the US Open champ for a second time and had two Wimbledon titles (two!) That would hurt anyone’s feelings...

I was supposed to be Pete Sampras’ heir. I was the next big thing from America. All the millions of people living in America had these huge expectations of me. They thought that I was going to be the next big thing in tennis after Pete had retired.

Then this Swiss guy (who only has the expectation of like...what...one sheep...resting on him?) comes along and just takes about every prize going in tennis.

But I think you’ll agree that I’ve always been pretty humble in my defeats to him. That’s one thing I can handle well—the media. Sure, I’ve been frustrated at times, but I’ve always maintained that I like and respect Roger and that he is an awesome player.

I was even backing him to win the US Open last year after all the critics were writing him off...how nice am I?

And so how does Roger repay me?

I’ll tell you how he repays me. He goes and beats me in the Miami Masters. All that work, all that training, all those burgers I have refused to eat...all that talk of “the new and improved Roddick” and for what? He still beats me.

But that’s not the worst of it. No, the WORST THING, the thing that really works me up until I turn the colour of a beetroot, is what he did after that. Roger chose to completely self-destruct against Novak Djokovic.

NOVAK, I tell you!! Can you believe it?! Even I beat that kid the last two times we met...in fact, I pretty much destroyed him in Indian Wells. And the “great” Roger Federer decides to practically hand the match to him on a plate while I worked my butt off to try and get a win against Roger. It's just not fair.

In fact, it's just not right, and the blame has to be entirely with Roger.

So that is why I am holding him hostage. I think now that you have read all I have to say, you’ll agree that it is completely fair.

I won’t be releasing him no matter how much money any of you offer me. I will be keeping him hostage until the 5th of July when he can watch Rafa take another title at Wimbledon or the Scottish kid get his first Slam.

Either way, that should give him a taste of his own medicine!

I’ve decided to pull out of all the clay tournaments in order to carry out my plan. It’s not as though I’m going to lose any ranking points there anyway...we all know I hate the red dirt.

It also means Roger won’t have the chance to try and win the French Open again this year (although I doubt that is going to bother him too much).

I had been debating whether to let him play in Paris as it may mean a repeat of last year’s final...which I must say I enjoyed immensely…but I don’t think he deserves that kind of generosity.

I hope that the press will now leave us in peace.

Yours Most Sincerely,

Andrew Stephen Roddick

Roger Federer: 'Twas The Unforced Errors What Done Him In

Frankie — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 16:05:24 -0400

Alternative Title: The Day That Roger Federer Almost Gave Me a Heart Attack...

Well...I am in utter shock and disbelief. I have literally just this moment finished watching the semi-final match between Roger Federer and Novak Djokovic in the Miami Masters. I cannot for the life of me work out what I have just witnessed with my own eyes...

Roger completely lost control of his forehand, 'bleeding unforced errors' as the commentator so kindly put it.

The result? A loss to Novak: 3-6, 6-2, 6-3.

I know that there are bound to be lots of articles coming out as a result of this match, but I just feel the need to write something down myself. A form of therapy for a devoted Roger fan, shall we say?

Anyway, back to the match and I think it is fair to say that the scoreline doesn't really tell the full story. So let's go back to the beginning...

My hopes were high for Roger in this match. Here was a semi-final where there would be no Andy Murray on the other side of the net. Always a positive thing for Roger and his fans.

Secondly, Rafael Nadal has already been knocked out in the quarter-finals i.e. here was a perfect opportunity for Roger to try and win another Masters trophy (the Swiss maestro has been going through a bit of a dry spell in the Masters department, having not won the trophy at one of these events for the past 18 months).

Finally, Novak Djokovic has not been playing his best tennis this year. Ok, so I hear you Nole fans shouting that he just knocked out Jo-Wilfried Tsonga in the quarters (against whom he had a 1-4 losing record) but even you have to admit that he has had a very up and down last couple of months.

And of course, Roger has a winning record over the Djoker; 7-2 in the head-to-heads for Roger before this match. So I was sure that there would be no mental issues for Roger in this match up...

The match actually got off to a terrific start for Roger. "Yesssssss!'" I thought. "This is going splendidly well. He's going to pull this off in two sets."

I spoke too soon methinks.

First set.

At one point Roger was 5-1 up against Novak in the first set. He wasn't particularly playing his best tennis but Novak was clearly struggling. In fact, Novak wouldn't even need to tell you how miserable he was feeling as you could clearly read his every thought just by looking at his facial expressions.

At this point even the commentators were suggesting that Novak's coach would be shaking in his boots and wondering whether his contract would be renewed if his man continued to play like this

Luckily for Novak's fans, he started to get a grip of himself. He managed to reduce Roger's advantage from two to one break of serve. But although Roger was a little shaky, he managed to close out the set 6-3.

Second set.

This was just messy all round. At the beginning it looked as though Djokovic was in command, breaking Federer's serve and taking a 2-0 lead—pumping his chest and looking euphoric. But Federer managed to break back and it began to feel like no man was certain to hold on to his own service games.

However, Djokovic remained the more solid player and a couple of double faults and more and more unforced errors from Federer spelt catastrophe for the former world number one. It was beginning to look like a familiar story—Federer wins the first set and then loses the next two—but I told myself to stay positive.

Final Set

Surely that Second set was all just a bad dream?

Unfortunately not.

The final set can only be described as abysmal if you are a Federer fan. I, for one, could barely watch.

Djokovic managed to get off to a 4-0 lead in the final set. This was not because he was playing particularly well, but because Federer's forehand was consistently netting or going long/wide.

The most famously lethal forehand in tennis history had gone caput. All Djokovic had to do was put the ball back into play and wait for the error—it was certain to come.

As the third set continued, the number of unforced errors coming off Federer's racquet was going up like crazy. Roger, a man known for his calm, composed and collected exterior on court, couldn't take it any more.

With his anger reaching boiling point, he finally gave in to his frustrations and ferociously smashed up his racquet. (I believe that even Marat Safin would have been proud of how fiercely Roger destroyed that racquet.)

I hoped that having let out his anger Roger would be able to calm down, collect his thoughts, and start to play a bit better.

And he did to a degree.

Novak played a poor fifth game in the third set to allow Federer to get a break back. The forehand was not quite as appalling as it had been but it was still not enough. Roger did make a valiant effort to try and get back into the final set but Djokovic remained solid.

With a total unforced error count of 47 in the 1 hour 46 minute match, Federer handed over victory to his opponent. Djokovic served it out to take the final set 6-3—and I felt like crying.

So now, as well as having to fight those mental demons which take the form of Murray and Nadal, Roger will have to try and account for why his unforced error count is consistently becoming a big problem in important matches. And it is not just the backhand which is susceptible.

Today it was the forehand that was acting up. And the serve is still not working as it should—helping him to get out of any tight spots (which unfortunately are becoming a much more frequent occurence).

It will be interesting to hear what he has to say in the press conference.

Will he put it down to another bad day at the office? I sincerely hope not.

Being a huge fan of Roger's I hope this serves as a wake up call. He is not the same player he used to be. Of course, he still plays some fabulous tennis and I still favour him above all others, but things are going wrong more often now. This time it had nothing to do with the opponent.

I believe that Roger lost this match; Novak did not exactly win it.

Something definitely needs to change, but only time will tell whether Roger will admit this. (At this point I hear cries of "Get a Coach!" again!!)

N.B. On a completely different note I am also disappointed about the outcome of this match as it means that Murray will not be able to become the world No. 3 even if he wins the tournament. So it is a double "dang!" for me! (I'm a Brit.)

What's Up with Women's Tennis?

Frankie — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 08:21:46 -0400

To be frank, I’m surprised that you even decided to read this article. And while I’m being honest, I’m surprised that I could even be bothered to write this article! That’s the problem with women’s tennis at the moment…it’s all a bit of a drag.

But I have been pondering it for some time now…you see, I wanted to try and work out why exactly it is such a drag.

So instead of being tempted into writing about my favourite subject (Roger Federer) once again, I have decided that I will attempt to write an article about women’s tennis. Here it goes…

Take a look at all the other articles which have been published in the Tennis section of the Bleacher Report over the last few days. How many are about women’s tennis? How many are about men’s tennis? I think I have made my point.

The problem is that women’s tennis is just not very interesting at the moment. There is no consistency (apart from the Williams sisters) and there are no superstars (apart from the Williams sisters).

I would have included Maria Sharapova in my brackets but she has been off the court for such a long time (harbouring a shoulder injury) that I have almost forgotten who she is.

I know many are longing for Maria to return as she is the only player who seems to be able to challenge the Williams sisters. Others are even hoping that Justine Henin Hardenne will come out of retirement just to spice up the game a little!

Ok, so I’ll also admit that maybe there are a few rising stars in the women’s game. Ana Ivanovic strikes me as one but even she cannot be relied upon to be consistent at the moment.

Fair enough she just recently made the Indian Wells final (where she lost to Vera Zvonareva) but the question still remains: Would she have even made it to the final if the Williams sisters had decided to compete and one of them had been in her half of the draw? Answer: Probably not.

Only a couple of days ago Ana was defeated by the 25th seed Ágnes Szávay in the third round of the Sony Ericsson tournament in Miami. (Nope, I hadn’t heard of Szávay either!)

This is all too familiar and distinctly reminds me of when she entered Wimbledon last year as the No. 1 seed (having just won the French Open) and then made a speedy exit in the third round. She lost to Zheng Jie of China, who at the time was ranked number 133 in the world.

Perhaps it is the pressure she feels when entering a tournament as one of the favourites which is producing these hugely varied results? Whatever it is…we cannot single Ana out. She is just a microcosm of the women’s game at the moment. Perhaps there is something contaminating the water in the ladies’ locker room?!

A good example of another player facing similar problems (on a more drastic scale) would be Ana’s fellow country(wo)man, Jelena Jankovic. The way it is going for poor ol’ Jelena at the moment, it looks likely that she will be forever known as the former world number 1 who never won a Slam.

I think that the fact that a player can be the best female tennis player in the world at the moment without having won a Grand Slam pretty much sums up the state of the game in the women’s field at the moment.

Anyway…back to Jelena, and I must say that I don’t know what has happened to her of late.

Being knocked out in the fourth round of the Australian Open could have happened to anyone, but then losing again in the fourth round of Dubai and, even worse, second rounds of Indian Wells and Miami (after having been given a first round bye in both) is not expected from a world No. 3.

It appears that even Jelena cannot fathom what has happened to her game. After her loss in the second round of Indian Wells she admitted, “I'm struggling in this moment to find my game overall and find the confidence on the court.” And in Miami she said, “I'm not the same player as I used to be.” She got that spot on.

To illustrate my point further just take a look at who has already been knocked out in Miami. Apart from Ana and Jelena, both Dinara Safina and Elena Dementieva, ranked No. 2 and No. 4 in the world respectively, have made early exits; Dinara in the third round and Elena in the fourth.

So many of the top seeds have already been knocked out in Miami and we are only just getting into the quarter-finals as this goes to print (oh ok, goes online!).

Another problem I see in women’s tennis at the moment is the style of play…all that grinding from the baseline does not make for the most entertaining of matches.

In fact, I recently read that Ray Moore, the president of PM Sports Management, suggested that female tennis players should use Andy Murray as a role model. It seems that what Moore is after is a bit more variety in the women’s game.

A new recipe is perhaps needed: mix in both short and long shots, a bit of spin here, a touch of slice there, change up the pace à la Murray. Et Voilà! A match we might actually enjoy watching.

I think that one of the other big issues in the women’s game is that there are no big personalities and no real rivalries. Of course the men’s tennis world is alight at the moment with the Roger Federer-Rafael Nadal rivalry.

But even if we look outside of the top two players in the men’s game there are a huge number of other highly entertaining players.

No matter what you think of him, you cannot deny that Novak Djokovic brings some incredible tennis and a unique personality to the game.

Then there is Andy Murray…a star in the making. Marat Safin…a player who has brought raquet smashing and outbursts to a whole new level in tennis and has won over a legion of fans whilst doing so.

We have Jo Wilfred Tsonga…another brilliant up and coming player, the consistent and often humorous Andy Roddick, a huge variety of fabulous Spanish players (Verdasco being the most talked about at the moment), and French players (with the likes of Gilles Simon and Gaël Monfils). The list is endless…

I’ll admit that the Williams sisters are favourites on the women’s tour, but who are their challengers? Each other? I personally don’t find an all Williams match very exciting to watch.

I am not taking anything away from their game…they are wonderful players and I hugely respect them. But when you know that the trophy is going to go to the same home whatever the outcome, you really cannot care too much who wins.

And should Venus and Serena happen to meet before the finals of a tournament you just know that whoever wins that match will go on to become the eventual champion…too predictable for my liking.

Watching an all Williams match does not even come close to watching a Roger-Rafa match. Roger and Rafa fans offer loyal support to their chosen man and fiercely want him to win. In return, Roger and Rafa provide their fans with the wonderful contrast of two very different playing styles.

Do the Williams sisters provoke the constant debates of who is better and who is the greatest ever? I think not.

The women’s game needs to recapture some of the days of former glory with Martina Navratilova and Chris Evert battling it out for victory…and throw in some Steffi Graf for good measure!

So there we go. I’ve asked the question: what's up with women’s tennis? And I hope I have at least provided some possible answers. The end!

(P.S. You can expect that my next instalment will be a return to my favourite subject: Roger!)

Roger Federer: What Has Got His GOAT?

Frankie — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 17:24:47 -0400

Ok, I’m going to admit that half the reason I chose to write this article is purely because I thought of this fabulous (in my opinion) title!

Of course, all you tennis fans out there will be extremely familiar with the term "G.O.A.T."

For those who are not such avid fans, let me enlighten you: G.O.A.T. stands for Greatest Of All Time.

Now, just so you know, I’m not going to get into one of those long-winded debates about the G.O.A.T. As many have noted (and as I believe to be true), that determination depends how you define the term "greatest."

Is it the player who possesses the greatest technique (Roger Federer) or the one with the highest number of Grand Slams (Pete Sampras)?

Or perhaps it should be the player who can win on all surfaces (Andre Agassi or, more recently, Raphael Nadal) or the one who achieves a calendar slam (Rod Laver, twice)?

Some believe the greatest player is the one who spends the most time at the top of the world rankings (but should that be judged consecutively, giving the nod to Federer, or in total, awarding it to Sampras?)

As you can see, there are just too many things to take into consideration. Not to mention that the game has changed from era to era...so I’m going to leave it up to you, the reader, to decide.

What I really want to talk about is what's got Federer's goat. After all, I haven’t written about Federer for well over a week and am starting to get withdrawal symptoms!

It's easy to apply this well-known phrase to Roger.

At the end of 2007, it looked like he was not only going to equal Sampras’ impressive record of 14 Grand Slam titles, but surpass it too.

And...dare I say it? It looked like he might do it with some ease.

Then 2008 started and, well, we all know what how it turned out: not as great as 2007. Getting to one semifinal and three finals at Grand Slam level (and winning one of them) would have been an awesome achievement for any other player. But the press was already starting to ask whether the "Federer Era" was coming to an end.

As a massive Federer fan, I thought this was hugely unfair. After all, the guy had made it to nearly all the major finals (and he was ill in Australia, so getting to the semis there was pretty impressive).

He had been No. 1 in the world for a record four years. So what if he doesn’t win everything?

Even Federer has admitted that he has created a bit of a "monster" for himself. Seems like if he doesn’t win a match, everyone is asking him what's "wrong." Give the guy a break!

I thought to myself, "Federer will come back strong and prove all those doubters wrong in 2009!" After all, he had finished off 2008 so nicely, winning his fifth consecutive U.S. Open. Another day and another new record for the Swiss master.

And so this year has come, and it hasn't been bad by any means. Of course, he has not played a whole lot, but getting to another Grand Slam final and the semis of a Masters event is definitely not shabby.

However, I’m not entirely convinced that he's proven the doubters wrong, as I had hoped he would. In fact, he is starting to make me nervous. Every time he comes across a player of some quality (or heck, even of "lower" quality), I start to worry that he won’t come through. This is an entirely new experience for me, as I’m sure it is for many Federer fans.

As we have all seen, something has got his goat. And I think that something is two players: Raphael Nadal and Andy Murray.

I really started thinking about this after his loss to Murray in the Indian Wells semis. It was his fourth straight loss to Murray. I am not taking anything away from Murray, he has improved a great deal (and as a Brit, he has my entire support when he is not playing Federer).

No, it wasn't the opponent, it was the way in which Federer lost.

Even Roger admitted after the match that he played a shocking final set. To me, it looked like a repeat of the fifth set in this year’s Australian Open final. Just like in Oz, the momentum had been entirely with Federer going into the final set of the match. Then, just like in Oz, Federer appeared to collapse. Errors were coming left, right and center.

The serve, which used to get him out of many tight spots, was not holding up. Backhands were going long or netting.

And talking of the backhand, just like Nadal had done in Australia, Murray was playing the majority of shots to Federer’s backhand. These guys have him sussed.

Murray even admitted as much before the match had even started, saying that he knew exactly how he was going to play him. Surely, then, Federer could have expected what was going to happen?

What is making me nervous is that I think even Federer does not have that self-belief anymore. Otherwise, I cannot really account for his crumbling in such a fashion against Murray (and Nadal in Oz).

Federer may wish to blame it on age, but what he said after the loss to Murray did not make much sense to me. First, he said that fitness had a part to play in the result, saying "I’m old. He’s young."

But then went on to say that he does not feel the "age factor."

Hmm...I’m not buying it. After all, he has an excellent Grand Slam record, and those are best of five. Best of three can hardly be more tiring physically than a best-of-five match, right? Ok, he’s 27 and Murray’s 21, but it’s not like Roger’s over the hill or anything like that.

So what can he do?

Well, there has been much talk of getting a coach (before and after that failed try-out with Darren Cahill). After all, the top players have sussed out his game, he needs to fully suss theirs.

Also, a little work on the backhand couldn’t do any harm, surely? Even he appears to be aware of this, admitting after his match with Murray that he has been struggling with his backhand of late.

But I think there is something more than that. Although there is the argument that Federer is concentrating on Slams and that the Masters results do not bother him so much, I again don't buy it.

No player, surely, goes into a match without much caring whether they win or lose; especially not someone who has won 13 Grand Slams. That’s not the kind of mentality that makes a winner.

No, what I think he needs to do is regain some of his belief.

Here he could take a few tips off Rafa. The guy never gives up; he always manages to find a way to win. That is why he is the best in the world. Just think of his recent match against David Nalbandian: Rafa saved a whopping five match points and went on to win the match by taking the last set 6-0. A mighty comeback if ever I saw one (although I didn’t actually see the match, as it was on at 4 a.m. here in the UK)!

Some may think that Federer is past his peak and on his way out. I accept that old players will decline as new players emerge and make their way up the rankings. But for me, some of the fine tennis Federer displayed during the second set of his semifinal match against Murray proved that he can still turn it on when he wants to. It just might take a bit more effort than it used to, that’s all.

If he wants that 14th Slam title, he sure is going to have to work as hard as ever for it. But I’m sure he can do it.

In my eyes, he is one of the finest players (if not the finest player) to have ever graced the good game of tennis. Some argue that he cannot be the greatest if there are some players in his era that he just cannot beat.

But to me, all that's needed to solidify his status is to come back fighting. You win some, you lose some, but Roger, it is time to show these guys who is boss.

Don’t let them get your GOAT!

P.S. Even if he doesn’t get Grand Slam No. 14 (which I pray he does!), Federer will still be the greatest to me. There is no other player who I have ever enjoyed watching play as much as I enjoy watching the "FedExpress". That makes him the greatest to me! Ok, soppiness over.