Bleacher Report - Articles by Beezer McBeeze

The Hottest Sports Catfights Since 2007

Beezer McBeeze — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 19:48:00 -0400

Cat Fights are simply part of what makes the human experience worth experiencing. But what happens when the ladies involved in such encounters are not only hot and female, but also athletically gifted, wealthy, and ferocious? Well, then we get to feast our eyes upon the list of top Cat Fights since the year 2007.

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Would You Rather: Olympic Hotties Edition

Beezer McBeeze — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 16:14:52 -0400

The Olympics are not far away. And so we must begin to reacquaint ourselves with our heroic gals by doing it the old fashion way. We have selected a handful of major Olympic sports, and picked two hotties from around the globe for you to compare. Remember, nobody expects these decisions to be easy, but you should still treat these hypothetical with the utmost seriousness. With no further ado... let's play... WOULD YOU RATHER.

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Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian Marriage Will Ruin Lakers Season

Beezer McBeeze — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 01:17:44 -0400

The Los Angeles Lakers can wave goodbye to their dreams of a repeat.

And we have Khloe Kardashian to thank.

Though I may be biased, it is my firm belief that the Lakers are the greatest franchise in NBA history. True, they have one fewer banner than the Celtics, but they have more distinct dynasties, and they have dominated more decades (1950's, 1980's, and 2000's). To that end, there are few things that the Lakers have gone without...

... except for a Curse.

For some wonderful reason — don't ask me why — the Lakers have never been subjected to the horrors of a curse. No Bambino. No goat. No chewing gum.

And at the risk of sounding crude, even the Celtics suffered through a decades-long curse after the tragic death of Len Bias.

But this day in age, it's clear that celebrity lovers are the worst curse of all.

Think of Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson. Think about how the Patriots are forever doomed now that Brady has his eyes fixed on Gisele. Think about Alex Rodriguez and... well... Madonna, Kate Hudson, that super hot stripper, etc.

These guys just can't focus on two things at once.

This distraction is particularly bad for Odom, though, because he has a long history of being distracted. In fact, he just doesn't perform until you put him in a pressure cooker. When Bynum went down, Odom took advantage of the opportunity, and when the Lakers faced off against LeBron in Cleveland, Odom posted one of the finest performances of his career.

Now, how can we expect him to exhibit that kind of focus and determination when he's about to have a shotgun wedding to kick off the season, and his new wife will want him to appear all the time on her show?

He can't! It just won't work!

Lamar Odom is the key to another championship. The Lakers need depth. Depth is what sets them apart from everybody else.

They have more star power than anybody else, but who else has a sixth man of this magnitude? That's why they perform so well once they are 90-games deep into the season. That's why they are not as vulnerable to injuries.

The 2008-2009 team was perfect. When Odom re-signed, I almost pissed my pants with joy.

But it was too good to be true.

You heard it here first. With Odom distracted, the Lakers dynasty is going to collapse. And it will fall hard.

Twenty years from now, people will look back at this and call it the 'Kardashian Curse.'

Or if they really want to be jackasses...

... they will call it the Kardashian Kurse.

An Interview with Jeremy Shockey's Super Bowl Ring

Beezer McBeeze — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 06:39:46 -0500

The following interview was conducted with Jeremy Shockey's forthcoming Super Bowl ring, recently minted and soon to be presented to the controversial tight end.

Beezer: How are you doing, Mr. Ring? It's great to finally speak with you. I know that you are probably very busy right now, having been minted not too long ago, so I really appreciate your making the time.

Mr. Ring: No problem, Beezer. What are friends for?

Beezer: So let me begin by pointing out to our readers that you are, in my estimation, a very large ring. Now I'm not sure how ring sizing works—no woman would ever come near me—but you are clearly meant for a thick finger.

Mr. Ring: That’s correct. They make Super Bowl rings in many sizes, and I am one of the largest in my batch. Jeremy is a huge, bloated fellow, and he's so full of synthetics that I'm a little worried about my future on his hand. I might not fit in ten to twenty years. Slippage is one of the major concerns that face Super Bowl rings of my generation.

Beezer: Then are you concerned about your self-image?

Mr. Ring: Absolutely. I don't want to end up relegated to a box or closet just because I no longer fit. That would be the ultimate nightmare.

Beezer: Come on, do you really think that this guy is going to let a single day pass without his bling? That's not the Jeremy Shockey I know.

Mr. Ring: I appreciate the encouragement. And, yes, a lot of my fellow rings made sure to point out how lucky I am to have received this placement. There's no denying that he will likely wear me until the day he dies.

Everyone has been giving Grey Ruegamer's ring a hard time, because it's his second one. Word on the street is that he may have to platoon with the New England ring. That's gotta suck.

Beezer: Now we've talked about how cocky and arrogant Jeremy is. Do you expect that he’ll use you as bait in some way? Maybe flash you around to women in Vegas?

Mr. Ring: That's the least of my worries! My concern is that he’ll leave me on during even the dirtiest of Vegas outings. Think about all the places that I'll be going. We all saw him getting hammered with his buddies in the skybox on Super Sunday—God knows what he did that night.

Beezer: So you think that you may end up in some sticky situations?

Mr. Ring: Well, to put it another way, it would be a lot easier to be Steve Young's ring.

Beezer: Very true. And what about the resentment factor?

Mr. Ring: You mean the fact that Jeremy didn't play in any of the postseason, and his absence was likely a catalyst for the team's surprising success?

Beezer: Exactly.

Mr. Ring: Well, there's always a chance that I will be what our kind calls a "resentment ring." It's sort of like being the successful child of a man with failed dreams. Nobody wants to be one of those.

One of my cousins knows Drew Bledsoe's ring, and he's gone through some really hard times. At one point, Drew even refused to bring him to Buffalo. It’s a really sad story.

But rumor has it that Jeremy is already bragging that the "Giants would have won by thirty points" had he been in the game. So I'm not too worried.

Beezer: Any predictions for the future? If Jeremy ends up moving to a city less brightly lit than New York—how will that affect your relationship with him?

Mr. Ring: Oh, it would only improve matters. Jeremy is not really satisfied as a big fish in a big pond. He wants to be a massive fish in a medium-sized pond. Look for him to end up on a struggling team in a Midwest town. The Cleveland Browns would be a great fit, as would the Rams in maybe a decade or so, you know, when their glory’s worn thin.
Jeremy wants to be the most important man wherever he sets foot, and that's very possible in a city without Jeters or Mannings.

Beezer: Well, Ring, I appreciate your taking the time to speak with me. I think that you have a bright future with Jeremy. It's really all a Super Bowl ring could ask for.

Mr. Ring: No problem, Beezer. I'll write to you after Jeremy gives me my first professional cleaning.

Beezer: Oh, I think that you'll be getting quite a few of those.

Mr. Ring: Me, too. Thanks, and have a great weekend.