The First Annual "I Really Want to Have a Beer with That Guy" Rankings

Blair ChopinContributor IIIDecember 26, 2011

The First Annual "I Really Want to Have a Beer with That Guy" Rankings

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    Often, we just like athletes because of their athletic ability.

    We respect their unique ability to entertain us for hours with the simple throwing, dribbling, kicking or putting of a ball.

    We are jealous of this ability and we like the athlete because we know that we will never have this ability, and we know that they are helping our team.

    We decide to love or obsess over athletes when they combine this great ability with a personality that makes us say "hey, I really want to have a beer with that guy!"

    So here are 25 athletes, coaches and analysts who just have that "have a beer with me" personality. 

    Welcome to the first annual beer rankings.

1. Brian Wilson

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    Brian Wilson just seems like he is one of your drinking buddies who is a closer on the side. 

    He is "The Machine," he has the beard of all beards, he wears crazy orange spikes during All-Star games, he has a tattoo of a dragon, he is very religious, and he has appeared on multiple late-night shows.

    A beer with Wilson would be very interesting.

2. Shaquille O'Neal

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    After reading tidbits of Shaq's latest book with Jackie MacMullan, I have tons of questions,

    Questions about Kobe in Colorado, Kobe's mistresses, Karl Malone, Phil Jackson, Charles Barkley and his film career.

    I would also like to see how many beers it takes for the big fella to get a buzz. Is it equal to the number of mistresses Kobe has had over the past 10 years?

3. Charles Barkley

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    Charles Barkley is a man of many opinions.

    Opinions on Skip Bayless, LeBron James, Hank Haney, and Kim Jong Il. 

    To have just an hour of Barkley's opinions would be fascinating, but to see how much hatred a drunk Charles Barkley has towards Skip Bayless would be a life-changing experience.

    Going a few rounds with the Round Mound of Rebound would make for a great night.

4. Tim Tebow

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    Hearing a drunk Timothy Tebow doing "Amazing Grace" on a Karaoke machine would be a moment even the children in the Philippines would hysterically laugh at.

5. Dick Vitale

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    Imagine how energetic a drunk Dick Vitale would be, and then quit imagining before you get a massive migraine.

6. Cam Newton

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    I really want to see if my man-crush can pick up women by doing his Superman pose in the middle of a cliche pickup line.

    Every time I try it, I totally get slapped.

7. Rex Ryan

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    I have always thought that Rex Ryan's problems have probably been caused by losing some sort of drinking game.

    "Hey Rex, if we win this game of beer pong, you have to say that your team is better than the Patriots!"

    "Hey Rex, if I chug this beer faster than you, then you have to guarantee another Super Bowl!" 

    "Hey Rex, if I get to seven drinks faster than you, then you have to release that video of you and your wife."

    I really just want to be the reason Rex Ryan does his next stupid thing.

    It would be a great story for the children I have to have because I lose a drinking game.

8. Tom Brady

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    If I were having a beer with Tom Brady, then by rule, two of Charlie's Angels would have to agree to hooking up with me. 

    It would be a great night out for my confidence.

9. Lou Holtz

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    I want to hear just how awesome a drunken Lou Holtz story would be.

    It would be full of Fightin' Irish, cliches, Jesus, his wife, Skip and spit.

    What more can you ask for in a night out?

10. Michael Jordan

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    I would do this just to say I had a beer with Michael Jordan, but I really do not want to have a beer with Michael Jordan.

    I actually want the Bobcats to try signing good basketball players.

11. Brian Scalabrine

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    I want to know how a 6-foot-9 ginger with little to no basketball skills has the unanimous respect of his peers.

    I want to how he can keep up with those three-step handshakes.

    I want to know everything Brian Scalabrine.

12. Kevin Garnett

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    I want to be the guy who holds Kevin Garnett back from a 5-foot-9 bartender when he finds that his Coors Light just doesn't have that Rocky Mountain coolness.

13. Hakeem Olajuwon

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    One beer with Hakeem and I will have the hook shot, step through, reverse pivot, and fade away jumper that Santa refuses to give me each Christmas.

14. John Calipari

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    All I have to do is drink one beer with Calipari and then I will put my name into the NBA Draft.

    Also it will be awesome to hear how his grandfather was a coal miner, how he loves Orange Leaf, and how the NCAA sucks, in person.

15. Michael Vick

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    I want to be out on the town with Michael Vick just to hear middle-aged women walking their dogs run and scream.

    I'm evil.

16. James Harrison

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    I want to hear a drunk James Harrison bash Roger Goodell to no end and I want to see him lay out the dude who has been talking to my girlfriend.

    It would be a thrilling experience.

17. Josh Harrelson

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    I yell "Jorts!" an average of 250 times a day when I am sober. It would be awesome to see how much I would yell it under the influence and around someone with the nickname of "Jorts!"

    Also I want him to hit random people in the chest with basketballs like he did to Jared Sullinger.

18. David Stern

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    Because he would have to be drunk to explain vetoing the "Chris Paul to the Lakers" trade.

19. Natalie Gulbis

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    Look at that picture.  Yeah.

    (OK, not a guy, but it just felt like a good fit.)

20. Tiger Woods

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    I want to know if Tiger really hates Phil, if he really cares about winning Majors anymore, why he changes his swing so much and what line he'd use to pick up that chick three tables down from us.

    It would be a fascinating night.

21. Manny Ramirez

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    A night of cursing, cheating, spacing out and awesome mug shots?

    I'm always up for that!

22. John Wall

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    A night out with John Wall would be a night of trendy hip-hop dancing, Peter Parker swag, goofy glasses, stories about not being recruited by North Carolina, and me asking him why he could not make one three against West Virginia. 

    It sounds like a fun and pretty awkward time.

23. Michael Oher

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    I want to discuss my plan of bringing him into my suburban home and spoiling him until he decides to play for the Panthers.

24. Brett Favre

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    I feel like after two drinks, two pairs of Wrangler Jeans, and two pictures of Jenn Sterger, I could convince No. 4 to suit up for our flag football team.

    We really need a decent arm this year.

25. Les Miles

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    Having to explain to Les that the bar we are drinking in has no grass would be an exhilarating experience.