10 Resolutions for the Dallas Cowboys' New Year
Ah, a New Year is upon us. Unfortunately for the Dallas Cowboys, a new season is upon them as well.
The Cowboys were the victims of a 44-6 thrashing at the hand of the Philadelphia Eagles last Sunday that officially eliminated them from the NFL playoffs.
As a result of that loss, it is now time to move on, make a few changes, and start fresh next season. And is there a better time to start fresh than the New Year?
I was lucky enough to visit with a few of the Cowboys' players and coaches (and even a certain media member), and my conversations with all of them shared one common theme: New Years Resolutions.
In the following slides, you will find the New Years Resolutions of 10 different people associated with the Dallas Cowboys. All of them are excited about the opportunities that present themselves in 2009!
Wade Phillips: “I will pretend like I know…even when I don’t.”
The Cowboys’ head coach, who has mentioned making changes next season, has decided to stop using a few key phrases when addressing the media in 2009. Those phrases include:
• “You will have to ask Jerry about that…”
• “I haven’t heard anything about that…”
• “I don’t know what you're talking about…”
Phillips has reached the realization that he is not fooling anyone, and he is tired of being mocked by the media. He knows that we know that he knows the answer to every question he is asked (follow that?).
From now on, if he doesn't know the answer, he will make something up that satisfies everyone listening. If he does know the answer, he will either answer the question truthfully or tell the media to "screw themselves" and not answer at all.
Jason Garrett: “I will expand my play book.”
After coming under fire by fans, the media, and players of both the Cowboys and their opponents, Jason Garrett has finally decided to do something about his play calling.
Namely, he will actually create new plays that put his team in a position to win. No more lining TO up in the backfield. No more double reverses.
Instead, he is actually planning to use players to their strengths. We might see slant routes instead of continual deep bombs. With a stable of three healthy running backs, we might actually see the Cowboys run the ball to set up the pass instead of vice-versa.
Time will tell exactly what Jason Garrett has in store for us next season, but it sounds like opposing defenses may no longer know what play the Cowboys will run before they run it.
Sounds good to me, Jason!
Bradie James: “I will not talk about the playoffs…until we make the playoffs.”
Bradie James opened up the 2008 season talking about the playoffs. He was ready to skip the regular season and hop right back into the playoffs so that they could make amends for past playoff disappointments.
While at the time it sounded logical, with the Cowboys sitting on the couch next weekend, his statements now seem a little foolish. James and the rest of the Dallas Cowboys have learned that the playoffs are not a guarantee just because you have a star on your helmet.
Next year, James will talk about the playoffs after the Cowboys make the playoffs...if the Cowboys make the playoffs.
Terrell Owens: “I will hire a question screener for my interviews.”
For those of you haven't already heard, Terrell Owens has been under fire this year (and every year, really) for how he responded to a select few questions over the course of the season.
Owens took a page out of his agent Drew Rosenhaus's book and started using the phrase “Next Question” on some of the media’s questions, specifically any question uttered from the mouth of ESPN’s Ed Werder.
Owens will take his approach to the media a step further next year by having a question screener accompany him to all of his interviews. In the case that a leading question is asked that could be designed to cast TO in a bad light, the question screener will sound a buzzer, and TO will respond with “Next Question.”
Adam “Pacman” Jones: “I will stay at home.”
Pacman has come to the realization that, with the wealth that he has, he no longer has to go out to have a good time. Instead, he will bring the party to him.
A private strip club, bar, bowling alley, and a second strip club are all currently under construction at Pacman’s home. The ability to “make it rain” at home will not only save Pacman on his gas expenses, but should also help to keep him out of trouble with the law.
Terrence Newman: “I will meet with TO’s hyperbaric chamber salesman.”
Newman has come to the conclusion that he is pretty damn important to the Dallas Cowboys defense. Other than a terrible game against the Redskins early in the season (where he played injured) and a couple of slip-ups in the final game of the season, Newman was nearly perfect this year…when healthy.
Newman’s number one goal is to stay healthy next season, and he has heard from TO that a hyperbaric chamber might just help him in that regard. The Cowboys' cornerback has agreed to meet with TO's hyperbaric chamber salesman sometime next month.
With this fine addition to Newman's living room, we should no doubt see a healthy, happy, and productive Terence Newman for a full season next year.
Tony Romo: “I will find out what exactly a 'big game' is and learn how to win it.”
We have all heard that Romo can’t win the big one. I do not think this is because he does not have the capability and skills set to do so. Instead, it might just be because he doesn’t know what a “Big Game” is. And quite frankly, who does?
Well Romo has resolved to do the research this offseason to figure out what a “Big Game” is and how exactly they are won. He has considered trying to win EVERY game next year, but is second guessing that idea.
If he were to do so, then that would surely mean he will not actually play in a "Big Game" next year.
Ed Werder: “I will land my dream job…”
Yes, I know. Ed Werder is technically NOT a Dallas Cowboy. However, it can be argued that he had a hand in the demise of the Cowboys this season and he is always roaming the halls of Valley Ranch, so we had a little chat anyways.
Well Ed Werder is very excited this year, because after his amazing work this season, he might have a chance to finally land his dream job. An unnamed source tells me that the National Enquirer has been blowing up his phone to talk to him about coming on board with their publication.
With the football season still in full swing, Werder has not had the opportunity to meet with them yet. Luckily, because he primarily follows the Cowboys, he now has a little more free time and is said to be meeting with them next week sometime.
Good luck, Ed!
Ed Werder's mole: "I will try not to leak harmful news to the press."
Speaking of Ed Werder, I ran into his "Mole" today (who will of course remain anonymous). He revealed that he is most excited about the opportunity to keep his mouth shut next season, and has already invested in a huge stock of duct tape.
Next year, he plans to tape his mouth shut any time that he is around other people to prevent him from accidentally leaking something to the press that could hurt the Dallas Cowboys.
He did not seem to be too remorseful over what happened earlier this season, but he was sporting two black eyes and a bloody nose. Perhaps those injuries have something to do with his desire to stay quiet next year, or maybe he just fell down a flight of stairs.
Jerry Jones: ...
OK, so maybe I lied in the introduction to this article when I claimed that everyone I talked to was making New Year's Resolutions.
It does not sound like Jerry Jones will. He still plans to be the general manager. He still plans to have his hands in every part of the organization.
He does not plan to change coaches, and he looks to continue making questionable free agent acquisitions should the opportunity present itself.
He is Jerry Jones, and he doesn't have to change.