20 Reality Hotties Who Should Shack Up With An Athlete
The demise of Kim Kardashian's for-profit sham marriage to Kris Humphries seems to have been the tipping point in terms of her popularity. Nobody has ever liked Kim for her personality, but most of us were willing to tolerate her vapidness and money grubbing fame-whoring because she is just that hot.
It's not that Kim isn't hot anymore, it's just that she's 31 years old, and in the five years since the release of her infamous sex tape she's been one of the most overexposed people on the planet.
Overexposed in every sense of the word.
People are getting bored with her nonsense, and there's no way anyone is going to keep paying attention to her if they aren't desperate to see her naked.
That means we need new hot girls from reality shows to look at. Sure, nobody is going to be able to take the place of Kim's caboose, but what they may lack in trunk junk, they make up for in personality, general craziness or very large boobs.
Since most reality stars don't have any discernible talents, the best way to leap into the spotlight is by dating a professional athlete.
Here are 20 hotties that I'd like to see make the transition from embarrassing themselves on reality television, to playing the leading lady in some lucky athlete's life.
Brittny Gastineau, Gastineau Girls
Tabloid Fodder: Brittny Gastineau is the former best friend of Kim Kardashian. Brittny actually caught the bouquet at Kim's wedding, but the two have had a well-publicized falling out since then. Maybe Brittny resents buying overpriced wedding gifts for sham marriages?
A high profile romance with a professional athlete would bring their (undoubtably ridiculous) feud immense publicity, which would be entertaining.
My Suggestion: If she's going to go the athlete route, it's important that she one-ups Kim. I'm thinking Cam Newton, Andre Johnson, Adrian Peterson or Matthew Stafford.
Trishelle Cannatella, Real World
Tabloid Fodder: Trishelle is no stranger to controversy. On The Real World she hooked up with one of her roommates, had a pregnancy scare and had a threesome in the jacuzzi tub. On The Surreal Life, she downed her body weight and tried to hook up with Vanilla Ice.
After a failed foray into the acting world, today she's trying to make it as a professional poker player.
My Suggestion: Trishelle needs an athlete who likes to drink and gamble. Maybe a Charles Barkley or Allen Iverson type.
Crystal Harris, Girls Next Door
Tabloid Fodder: Crystal Harris is the Girl Next Door who finally wised up and decided not to marry an 85-year-old man. The whole thing was probably just an elaborate publicity stunt, but there's no denying that she's spent naked time with a man who is a full 60 years older than she.
My Suggestion: Crystal needs someone young and hot enough to wipe away the memories of naked time with a geriatric Hugh Hefner (shudder). Thinking along the lines of Rob Gronkowski, Dwight Howard or Matt Kemp.
Lauren Conrad, The Hills
Tabloid Fodder: Honestly, Lauren Conrad is pretty boring and I'm not even sure what she's doing these days. I do know that what she used to do was publicly feud with Jay Cutler's fiancee, Kristin Cavallari.
It would be fun to bring back the old magic.
My Suggestion: Lauren would definitely need to date a high profile NFL player to compete with Kristin—too bad Philip Rivers is married with six kids. Maybe someone like Cam Newton or Andrew Luck, if he pans out.
Kate Gosselin, Kate Plus Eight
Tabloid Fodder: I'm no fan of Kate Gosselin or her icky ex-husband, but when did she get kind of hot? Last I remember, she had a possum haircut, frumpy sweaters and mom jeans.
Kate needs to make all that hard work worth it by bagging a new boyfriend before the world forgets about her entirely.
My Suggestion: Someone with a big mouth and a lot of kids would be ideal. How about Antonio Cromartie? Plus, he plays for the Jets—if you can listen to Rex Ryan's mouth every day for six months, you can listen to anything.
Jade Cole, America's Next Top Model
Tabloid Fodder: To be honest, I don't watch a lot of reality television, but I do watch America's Next Top Model (so embarrassing), and Jade was, straight up, the best contestant in the show's history. Girl is beautiful, fearless and more than a few bricks shy of a load.
Best quote ever on the show: "This isn't America's Next Top Best Friend." Touché Jade, touché.
My Suggestion: Jade is a handful, and in her case opposites would not attract. Someone like Terrell Owens, Nyjer Morgan or Shaquille O'Neal would be up her alley.
Brooke Hogan, Hogan Knows Best
Tabloid Fodder: The Hogan family is essentially a sideshow at an old-timey circus. The Hulk is dating a girl who looks exactly like his daughter Brooke. The ex-wife Linda is dating a 23-year-old and can next be seen in Relationship Rehab with Dr. Drew. The son Nick spent eight months in jail for a car accident that left his best friend a vegetable.
Poor Brooke needs to get in on the action. Sure she had a horrifying attempt at a music career, but she's kind of disappeared since then.
My Suggestion: Since Hulk is dating a Brooke lookalike, she should probably return the favor. I'm thinking John Cena, The Miz or The Undertaker.
Snooki, Jersey Shore
Tabloid Fodder: Dang, Snooki isn't looking half bad these days. Being away from the Jersey Shore and The (idiot) Situation does a body good.
Snooki isn't everyone's cup of tea, but she knows how to attract attention.
My Suggestion: Are there any guido gorilla juicehead athletes? I have no idea actually, but given that Snooki is only 4'10, it would be more adorable if she dated a teenier athlete—maybe Darren Sprolles or Danny Woodhead.
Paris Hilton, World According To Paris
Tabloid Fodder: We all know that Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian used to be besties. Not sure what happened there, but something tells me that after Paris said Kim's caboose looked like a couple of trash bags stuffed with cottage cheese, there isn't going to be a reconciliation.
Like everyone, I thought Paris was a pig during the height of her fame in the mid 2000s, but (and maybe it's just nostalgia) I actually kinda miss her.
My Suggestion: Paris has been trying to repair her image, so she'd need someone likable and wholesome to get people talking about her in a positive way. If only Tim Tebow was a little bit more compromising on the whole "morals" thing!
Or she could just got the opposite direction entirely and start dating Kris Humphries. That would be amazing.
Holly Madison, Girls Next Door
Tabloid Fodder: Ah yes, Holly Madison, another blonde who has shared a bed with 85-year-old Hugh Hefner. Seriously, he's 85 years old. How do these girls look themselves in the mirror after climbing on top of that?
Holly also dated megadouche "magician" Criss Angel. Barf. This girl needs help in the dating department.
My Suggestion: It seems that MLB players have the biggest affinity for Playboy models, but honestly I could see her with any number of athletes. Although, someone like Matt Moore, Riley Cooper or John Kuhn could really raise their profile by landing Holly.
Oooh, or Peyton Hillis! He really needs something to help erase the stink of this season.
Daniele Donato, Big Brother
Tabloid Fodder: Daniele Donato appeared in two seasons of the CBS summer plague known as Big Brother. Despite her awful personality and the fact that her dad, who appeared on the show, calls himself "Evel Dick," Daniele's stunning good looks are enough to earn her a place in the national lexicon.
My Suggestion: She's a Jets fan, so that's a start. I'm thinking Mark Sanchez, Nick Mangold, Darrell Revis or Santonio Holmes, assuming any of them are single.
Jenn Grijalva, Real World
Tabloid Fodder: In the movie Juno, the main character (Juno) describes the goddess she was named after (Juno) as "really beautify and really mean—like Diana Ross." That's Jenn Grijalva.
The former Raiderette is a staple on MTV's Real World/Road Rules Challenge series, and in a house full of hateful drunken maniacs, Jenn stands out from the crowd.
My Suggestion: Someone tough. Someone mean. And someone who likes to drink. For some reason James Harrison is the only person coming to mind, and I don't even know if he drinks.
Rozlyn Papa, The Bachelor
Tabloid Fodder: Rozlyn Papa was kicked off season whatever of ABC's broken-engagement and shattered dreams factory, The Bachelor. The impish host alleged she was having an affair with one of the show's producers and was booted in an embarrassing spectacle.
Obviously it was the show's loss, because Roz was one of the hottest broads ever on the show, and her confidence made her stand out amongst the desperately needy alcoholics with self-esteem issues that The Bachelor usually attracts.
My Suggestion: Roz lives in Virginia, so someone in the Washington metro area would be ideal. Maybe Alexander Ovechkin, Stephen Strasburg, Rex Grossman—or how about John Wall?
Royce Reed, Basketball Wives
Tabloid Fodder: Royce Reed is Dwight Howard's baby mama, and was a cast member on VH1's Basketball Wives until the rest of the psychotic mean girls ran her off.
My Suggestion: It seems Royce has a preference for basketball players, so let's stick with that. Maybe Amar'e Stoudemire, Rajon Rondo or Derrick Rose?
Audrina Patridge, The Hills
Tabloid Fodder: Like Lauren Conrad, Audrina Patridge was a cast member of MTV's The Hills. Audrina was the opposite of Lauren, who held down a job, kept her clothes on and wouldn't be mistaken as mentally challenged.
Audrina isn't very bright, she doesn't have a job, and her mother likes to get drunk in public and talk to the paparazzi about her. But she does take her clothes of with regularity, so there's that.
My Suggestion: Someone with enough money to support her after she loses her looks, and dumb enough to appreciate conversations about Twilight and diet pills.
Lisa D'Amato, America's Next Top Model
Tabloid Fodder: Lisa D'Amato just won the "All-Star" season of America's Next Top Model. The "All-Star" season had less to do with being attractive (seriously, a few of the girls were straight up gross) and more with the contestants' ability to make an embarrassing spectacle of themselves on command.
There are few people in the history of reality TV that can make embarrassing spectacles of themselves better than Lisa. On her original season she shotgunned wine by the bottle and talked to trees, and even peed in a diaper to impress guest stars Steve-O, Chris Pontius and Wee-Man.
My Suggestion: Well, Lisa is also an aspiring white-girl rapper, so someone who will appreciate that about her is a must. Maybe Shawn Merriman, Shaquille O'Neal or Pac-Man Jones.
JWoww, Jersey Shore
Tabloid Fodder: Who doesn't love JWoww? She's hot, she's fun, she's rich and she's generally the voice of reason in the Jersey Shore house. JWoww does have cartoonishly large implants, which normally aren't something I encourage, but somehow they really suit her.
My Suggestion: My girl likes her men ripped, so I'm thinking Stephen Jackson, The Rock, Dave Bautista or Floyd Mayweather, Jr.
Johanna Botta, Real World
Tabloid Fodder: Johanna Botta is pretty much the hottest broad that MTV's The Real World has ever yielded. Which means that despite the fact that the show has sucked for over a decade and has become a general plague on humanity, it was all worth it in the end.
Johanna, a former Miss Peru, has seemingly put the STD-swapping challenges of MTV behind her and found acting work in commercials and television.
My Suggestion: Being from Peru, there's a distinct possibility that her favorite sport is soccer. So maybe Tim Howard, Fernando Torres, Fabio Cannavaro or Kaka.
Kristina and Karissa Shannon, Girls Next Door
Tabloid Fodder: Yep, that's right—85-year-old Hugh Hefner has had some kind of intimate relations with these girls on countless occasions, and probably with both of them at the same time. However he could manage that.
They both seem fun, but Karissa is definitely the "evil" twin. She's confirmed the existence of a sex tape with plastic surgery monster Heidi Montag, she's been arrested for aggravated assault with her sister and was nabbed for misdemeanor battery all on her own.
My Suggestion: It has to be someone with a lot of money, because although these high school dropouts might not be able to read, they are used to a pretty lavish lifestyle. So picking from the world's 50 highest-paid athlete list, I'm thinking Kobe Bryant, Derek Jeter, Cristiano Ronaldo, Alex Rodriguez or Tiger Woods.
Michelle Money, The Bachelor
Tabloid Fodder: Michelle Money was made for reality television and the spotlight in general. Michelle is crazy-hot and, based on her appearance on The Bachelor, just plain old crazy. She famously woke up with an unexplained black eye and then threatened to give the bachelor a black eye of his own if he didn't pick her for a date.
Michelle also has a thing for professional athletes and will consider dating one, whether or not he's married. She had a well publicized affair with NBA player Carlos Boozer before her stint on the dating show.
My Suggestion: Someone who likes his women hot and crazy—although deep down I think most men want that. Jason Kidd and Dwyane Wade both have pretty crazy ex-wives. Kris Benson also likes 'em hot 'n' crazy, and if you've seen Anna Benson on Baseball Wives you know there's no chance he isn't considering trading that in.