Cleveland Browns' Christmas Wish List
It's been a long and tough year here in Cleveland. As you may know, it all started with us firing our old coach. Then there was the lockout all summer. And then the season started with great anticipation and high hopes.
But it hasn't gone so well. We're sitting at 4-10 and we're facing our two biggest rivals to close out the season.
It would be really great if you could help us out with just a few things this Christmas...
An Offensive Coordinator for Pat Shurmur
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I don't know if Pat Shurmur is the right coach for the Cleveland Browns right now.
But it sure does look like he's in over his head with running the offense and calling the plays on top of being the leader for the team.
I think that if you could get us a good and competent offensive coordinator that would really help him out.
Also, our offense has kind of sucked this year. So it would help with that too.
More of a Run-Stopping Presence on Defense
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I'm liking what a lot of the guys are doing on defense this year.
D'Qwell Jackson has been a beast all year, making plays all over the field.
Jabaal Sheard looks like he might be a great edge-rusher for many years.
Phil Taylor and Ahtyba Rubin look solid inside.
And Chris Gocong has shown drastic improvements the past two games.
But for some reason, with all of that, we still suck at stopping the run where we're second to last in the league. (And for the record the Browns are only 21st in rushing yards per attempt for what it's worth. Still not good but it's worth noting.)
It would be just awesome if for Christmas you get us another impact linebacker or defensive end (or both). Or maybe you could just teach these guys how to shed blockers and make tackles?
Santa, you have to have played some defensive tackle back in the day, right?
A Quarterback Who Can Make Us a Winner
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Is it Colt McCoy? We're not really sure just yet.
I'm sure that you, Santa, in your infinite wisdom can tell us if McCoy is our guy or not. You know which kids all across the planet are naughty or nice; I'm sure you can evaluate quarterback talent.
And if McCoy isn't the guy then it'd be pretty awesome if we could get either Robert Griffin III or Matt Barkley in the draft.
And while you're at that...
A Playmaking Wide Receiver
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We all really like Greg Little. He's had the best rookie season of a Browns wide receiver in a long time.
But the rest of the guys just aren't cutting it.
I don't care where you get the guy from or if he's naughty or nice; I just want him to catch the football, run fast, avoid being tackled and stay out jail.
It'd be pretty awesome if you could swing us one of those QBs and find a way to get us Justin Blackmon in the draft as well.
I'd feel like I'm asking a lot but, hey, you're the guy who claims to be able to fly all around the world on magic reindeer, sliding down chimneys delivering gifts.
If you can do that I'm sure you can rig the draft for us.
And while you're performing miracles...
Make the Falcons Lose the Last Two Games of the Season and Miss the Playoffs
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Admittedly this will be pretty tough.
But you're freaking Santa Claus. You claim to do all these amazing things. Well, it's put-up-or-shut-up time.
We really don't want the Falcons to get in the playoffs and ruin that draft pick for us.
And think of it this way: If you get this done it makes getting us a QB/WR tandem in the draft all the easier.
It's a win-win!
We Want To Beat the Steelers in Week 17
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You see that photo?
We all know that James Harrison is on your naughty list. The quarterback of that team doesn't have a lot of redeeming qualities to him as well.
And it's common knowledge that you just pass over the city of Pittsburgh on Christmas Eve because no one there is on the nice list.
So throw us a bone.
Screw draft positioning (you've got us covered there anyways)—we just want to beat those dirty little...I really want to stay on the nice list so I'll stop there, but you get my drift.
We need this. Make it happen.
Thanks in advance, Santa. We know you've got our backs.
And we promise to be really good again next year.
You can follow Benjamin Flack on Twitter @ClevelandFlack