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Hot or Not: Female Athlete Edition

Amber LeeSports Lists Lead WriterDecember 21, 2011

Hot or Not: Female Athlete Edition

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    It was comedian Daniel Tosh who once said, "I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best. I don't need to be told how hot Danica Patrick is. There's nothing hot about her. Maybe it's sexy when her hair's blowing in the wind when she's in last place."

    Okay, that was a little harsh, but it wasn't entirely off base. I've had a lot of the same feelings, especially regarding female athletes who are not particularly good at their given sport. 

    Most female athletes aren't remarkably unattractive, but many of them wouldn't stand out in a crowd of us regular folks. 

    As a straight woman, I think I approach the issue from the same perspective of a straight, semi-famous male with a pile of money. We both have an unlimited and superficial pool of women who may, or may not meet our unrealistic needs and/or expectations. 

    That being said, let's take a look at some of the best female athletes in sports and determine if (I think) they're hot. 

Alex Morgan, US Women's Soccer

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    Listen, I get it...she's pretty. 

Alex Morgan: Hot or Not?

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    My verdict: Definitely hot.

    And this is why: Alex Morgan is the total package. She's absolutely gorgeous with a smokin' bod, she's great at her sport, she seems super friendly, she's got a killer smile and she can pull off 'sexy' without even a hint of 'skanky'. 

Danica Patrick, NASCAR

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    Listen, I get it...she's pretty. 

Danica Patrick: Hot or Not?

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    My verdict: Totally not. 

    And this is why: I have never understood the appeal of Danica Patrick. I think she just benefits from the low expectations that we as a nation have for the physical attractiveness of NASCAR drivers. 

    I'm kidding! The problem isn't that Patrick is unpleasant to look at; the problem is that she sucks at racing cars. She thinks people don't take her seriously because she's a woman, which might be why she's a combative lunatic on the track. But that couldn't be further from the truth. 

    The truth is that people don't take Patrick seriously because the only thing she excels at professionally is taking off her clothes for money. 

Caroline Wozniacki, WTA

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    Listen, I get it...she's pretty. 

Caroline Wozniacki: Hot or Not?

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    My verdict:  Way hot. 

    And this is why: What's not to like? Wozniacki is No. 1 in the world according to the WTA rankings and she's young, confident, blonde and beautiful. 

    She's also funny! Remember when she had the "nerve" to (gently) mock Rafael Nadal during a press conference at the 2011 U.S. Open? See, girls really do think a sense of humor is the most important thing. 

Misty May and Kerri Walsh, US Women's Beach Volleyball

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    Listen, I get it...they have really hot asses. 

Misty May and Kerri Walsh: Hot or Not?

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    My verdict: Not. At all. 

    And this is why: Misty May and Kerri Walsh aren't unattractive ladies in the real world; they're fit, they're tan and they both look friendly enough. They look like attractive school teachers from South Florida. 

    If they played any sport but beach volleyball, you'd have absolutely no idea who either of them were. Most athletes have great bodies; so put that body in the teeniest of bikinis, on a beach and give it a nice tan—and you've got yourself a recipe for success.

Leryn Franco, Paraguay Track & Field

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    Listen, I get it...she's very, very pretty. 

Leryn Franco: Hot or Not?

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    My verdict: So ridiculously, obviously, insanely hot. 

    And this is why: I'm not blind and/or crazy. 

    Leryn Franco might not be a world class athlete, but she's a pretty good one and she trains hard. She's also a beauty queen and runway model. Ridiculous…

Jennifer Leigh, Professional Poker

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    Listen, I get it...she's attractive enough.

Jennifer Leigh: Hot or Not ?

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    My verdict: Really not. 

    And this is why: Well I wasn't really loving her look in the uncomfortably over-photoshopped Playboy photo. The bottled blonde hair, bolted on boobs and the cigar just seemed fake. 

    Because it was. Although it beats the hell out of a head full of acrylic hair extensions. 

Lolo Jones, US Track & Field

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    Listen, I get it...she's pretty. 

Lolo Jones: Hot or Not?

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    My verdict: Wicked hot. 

    And this is why: Lolo Jones is great at her sport, she's got a lot of personality, an obvious sense of humor and an impressive set of legs. 

    Jones is a passionate competitor who, win or lose, is never afraid to show exactly how she feels. She's a baller and I love it. 

Lindsey Vonn, US Skiing

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    Listen, I get it...she's pretty. 

Lindsey Vonn: Hot or Not?

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    My verdict: Surprisingly not. 

    And this is why: Everything about Lindsey Vonn, superficially, suggests she should be hot; the blonde hair, the body and the willingness to take her clothes off for various publications, all suggest hotness. 

    I have never bought into it though. Maybe it's her meticulously updated Wikipedia page, her strictly controlled public image, or the fact that she speaks German; but I just don't like it. 

    Add all that to her recent coy charade about her "very good friendship" with one or two of the Tebow brothers and you've got someone who makes my damn skin crawl. 

Julia Mancuso, US Skiing

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    Listen, I get it...she's pretty hot and apparently knows how to party.  

Julia Mancuso: Hot or Not?

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    My verdict: Ridiculously hot. 

    And this is why: Well for one, Julia Mancuso has some kind of (probably exaggerated) feud with Lindsey Vonn.

    Aside from that, Mancuso is just my kind of girl! She loves sports, she's not uptight, she knows how to have a good time and takes time to appreciate living the kind of life that most of us would kill for. 

    Well all that and she likes to party with hot broads in hot tubs. 

Natalie Gulbis, LPGA

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    Listen, I get it...she's pretty. 

Natalie Gulbis: Hot or Not?

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    My verdict: Certainly not. 

    And this is why: Natalie Gulbis' pictorials in FHM  are almost a decade old at this point, and I didn't really think they were all that exceptional at the time. 

    Don't get me wrong, Gulbis seems like a very lovely and attractive girl for the real world; she's only super hot as a female professional golfer. 

Gina Carano, MMA

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    Listen, I get it...she's hot enough to look sexy in a beret. No small achievement.  

Gina Carano: Hot or Not?

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    My verdict: Absolutely hot. 

    And this is why: Gina Carano doesn't have to put on a bikini and stage a ridiculous photo shoot to convince you that she's hot. She doesn't need long blonde hair, fake boobs, a team of makeup artists or an even bigger team of photoshop experts either. 

    Carano has the body of a warrior, the looks of the goddess and the physical capability to kick your ass. My boyfriend is officially concerned. 

Sasha Cohen, US Women's Figure Skating

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    Listen, I get it...she's pretty. Right?

Sasha Cohen: Hot or Not?

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    My verdict: Just not. 

    And this is why: Sasha Cohen is tiny and dainty and has the physical build of a junior high boy. 

    And she's a figure skater. 

Alana Blanchard, Women's Surfing

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    Listen, I get it...she's a smoking hottie with a body. 

Alana Blanchard: Hot or Not?

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    My verdict: So very hot. 

    And this is why: Much like beach volleyball, surfing is just a sport that agrees with almost everyone. Unfortunately, I happen to be in the Irish/Polish minority population that the sun, surf and sand completely disagrees with. 

    Fortunately for Alana Blanchard, she is nothing like me. She's blonde, she's golden brown, she knows how to swim and she's got lots of girlfriends with similar interests. 

    Oh! And she's one of the best female surfers in the world.

Maria Sharapova, WTA

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    Listen, I get it...she's pretty enough.

Maria Sharapova: Hot or Not?

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    My verdict: Wow, just not. 

    And this is why: Women's tennis is filled to the brim with talented, gorgeous, blonde, Eastern Europeans and Maria Sharapova is least among them. 

    Don't get me wrong; she's lovely…compared to the blonde barista at your local Starbucks. But compared to Maria Kirilenko, Ana Ivanovic, Daniela Hantuchova and Vera Zvonareva, she's actually not all that impressive. 

    In terms of looks and  tennis skills. 

Alicia Sacramone, US Women's Gymnastics

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    Listen, I get it; she's very easy on the eyes. 


Alicia Sacramone: Hot or Not?

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    My verdict: For sure hot. 

    And this is why: Alicia Sacramone has a killer body in a sport that seems to be dominated by prepubescent girls. She's 24 years old and still an Olympic hopeful for 2012, despite the fact that most of her competition is nearly a decade younger than her. 

    Sacramone is dating superhottie Brady Quinn, backup to Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow. 

Hope Solo, US Women's Soccer

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    Listen, I get it; she plays soccer and is wiling to take off her clothes. 

Hope Solo: Hot or Not?

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    My verdict: Heck not. 

    And this is why: I never really understood the appeal of Hope Solo before she appeared on Dancing with the Stars. She's boring, she plays soccer and she's kinda butch. 

    Well now she's all of that and a bad dancer and a sore-ass loser. 

    No thanks.

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