Resolutions are a fantastic idea in theory. You set some goals for yourself that you can accomplish in the upcoming year and you sound very self-aware and concerned with personal improvement when you tell others of your goals.
But let's keep it real: People often give up their resolutions fairly quickly, and frankly, goals simply change over the course of the year.
Which is why it would be really awesome to know what resolutions our favorite athletes make for the upcoming year. But since I can't ask them myself, I've taken the liberty to imagine what they might say and write them for your enjoyment here.
Let's get resolving.
I vow to be the only Luck needed in Indianapolis to restore a winning record to the Colts next season.
Aw man, why you gotta make it awkward, Peyton?
I vow to do the Aaron Rodgers thing if I have to sit while Peyton finishes his career, but I really, really hope I don't have to.
I promise I'll stop writing checks that my defense can't cash. And I'll never doubt Calvin Johnson again, I swear.
I promise I'll show up.
That's all I've got.
I promise I'll keep praising each and every player and coach in the NFL on Monday Night Football.
At least until I get my next coaching gig, that is.
I will make you forget about LeBron, Cleveland.
No, no I won't.
I promise I won't ruin the playoff chances of fantasy football owners who draft me next year.
I vow I will bring a championship to the Lakers...
I'm afraid I can't allow that, Chris.
I vow I will bring a title to the Clippers?
Ehhhhh, I don't think so, Chris. Not yet, anyway—ask me again later.
C'mon, David, what about now? This Clippers' resolution is the best you are going to get from me...
Oh okay, go ahead, Chris. Make your Clippers resolution.
What can I tell you—I vowed to be a smug and condescending commissioner who over-extended his reach last year.
I plan on making the same resolution this year.
Thanks, David. I'm not sure why this had to take so long, but Clippers fans, I promise you I will be worth the wait.
Boy, am I glad that is over.
I vow to average 10 DPG (dunks per game) and three DDYSTMPG ("Damn, did you see that?" moves per game) this season. I also vow to become the mayor of Lob City.
Man, it is fun to be me.
I vow to be worth every penny of my posting cost and whatever deal the Rangers ultimately sign me to.
Hahaha, OK, so that's not possible. But seriously, I'll try to at least be better than C.J. Wilson.
I vow to meet with Roger Goodell and smash his freaking...
Hahaha, just kidding, you guys. I just want to have a friendly chat about player safety with him. Don't you worry about me.
Oh hey, while you're here, do you want to check out my gun collection? I call this one the fines-ender...
I vow I won't become the new James Harrison. It just seems too expensive.
I will find and kill that damn rally squirrel. And any other squirrels who may have harbored him.
Will I hang out with another porn star?
But will you—and more importantly, the Patriots—ever find out about it?
Not a chance in hell.
I vow that, wherever I end up, I won't use the words "dream team" to describe my new destination. Especially if I go out and throw nine interceptions in the six games I appear in.
I vow I will find a way to link my name to sports somehow this year. Trust me, I'll make it happen.
I see you, Jeter. I see you, Kobe.
I vow to....oh, to hell with this.
It's all downhill from here, isn't it?
I resolve to smile every time I cash a check. Sorry, St. Louis, but money talks.
I will continue to give all of the glory to Jesus Christ, my savior.
What do you mean, that's boring? Oh, I know, you want me to say that I will continue to engineer fourth-quarter drives and lead my team to victory, or that my unorthodox play will continue to translate at the NFL level because I limit turnovers and change defensive game plans with my bruising running style.
Or maybe you want me to say I'll continue to shove it in the face of my critics, even John Elway, who didn't exactly give me a vote of confidence earlier in the year.
Or maybe you want me to say I'll continue to dominate the headlines because I'm "polarizing" and "unorthodox" and have somehow become the centerpiece in this nation's debate about Christianity, even if I only represent one particular interpretation of Christianity.
Or maybe...what's that? You want me to resolve that I'll actually carry my team to a few victories next year, even if our defense has an off day or Matt Prater isn't nailing clutch field goals?
You see, this is why I stick to giving the glory to Jesus.
I resolve to be clutch this year. I vow to finish games strong and step up when called upon. I will be the man this year. Oh, excuse me for one second...
...D-Wade, yo, can you come take a look at this really quickly? Do you think that's okay? You like it? Great, you're the best, thanks...
...D-Wade thinks my resolution is awesome! Yup, I will be the man this year, just you wait.