NFL Power Rankings: Comparing Each Team to a Stand Up Comedian
The NFL and the world of comedy serve the same purpose: to entertain the teeming masses of fans that eagerly wait for each new hit and new joke.
Though they serve different purposes, the comics of the world are much like NFL teams. There are an elite few who stand head and shoulders above the rest, and a throng of bozos who can't tell you their right from their left.
From the bottom of the barrel to the top of the food chain, here is one comedian matched up for each NFL team.
32. Indianapolis Colts: SinBad
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Does this one really need a deep explanation? SinBad is the comedic embodiment of the Indianapolis Colts in both skill and name.
This bumbling buffoon's act is about as entertaining as Curtis Painter's passing, and twice as ugly when you factor in the crowd.
At least the Colts have fans.
31. Minnesota Vikings: Carrot Top
The Minnesota Vikings' season has been tremendously disappointing, rather like Carrot Top's career as a stand up comic.
The fire crotch "comedian" abuses his props more than Minnesota abuses Adrian Peterson, while looking like he's pumped enough steroids to kill a large horse.
Incidentally, that is probably the amount of performance enhancing drugs this Vikings team would need to win their last two games this season.
30. St Louis Rams: The Situation
Granted, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino is not actually a stand up comedian. He did however, give it a shot once. That was a little less than a year ago during the Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump.
In case you didn't see it, it was like watching one of those "Save the Animals" commercials, except nobody felt bad for him.
That's kind of how you have to feel about the St. Louis Rams this season. It's their own damn fault for not drafting help on their offensive line and hiring Josh McDaniels.
Didn't they notice every team he's been on (Denver) since leaving the New England Patriots turned into steaming diarrhea?
Kind of like the Situation's one-time comedy act.
29. Cleveland Browns: Carlos Mencia
Carlos Mencia is, in a word, horrendous.
Much like the 2011 Cleveland Browns.
Mencia's act is absolutely abominable, and his objectionable insistence on stealing other comedians' jokes is regrettable to say the least.
Kind of like how the Browns stole the Denver Bronco's idea of drafting an athletic quarterback as "the guy" for the future. We all know how that turned out.
Things have to be bad when you're compared to a "funny guy" whose funniest moment was when Kanye West killed him on South Park.
28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Russell Brand
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers came into the 2011 season looking to sneak into the playoffs with young talent and a young coach.
We all wanted to like them, believe in them. They looked terrific on paper.
They suck, and their season has been as ugly as Russell Brand's hairdo.
Russell Brand, despite his side-splitting accent, is equally poor as a comic. We all knew him more as that funny British guy in the really funny movies. We WANTED to like him as a comic.
27. Jacksonville Jaguars: Bill Cosby
The Jacksonville Jaguars do not equate to Bill Cosby because they are a poor team. (which they are).
Bill Cosby is famous for being extremely clean in his comedy and still being hilarious.
The Jaguars of 2011 have also been extremely clean--with their play. They are the second-least penalized team of 2011...yet they still suck.
Just like you'd expect a clean comedian to suck, you expect a clean football team to be good.
26. Buffalo Bills: Andrew Dice Clay
The Buffalo Bills started the 2011 NFL season with a huge bang, going 3-0. Andrew Dice Clay exploded onto the comedy scene with equal impact.
Now, the Buffalo Bills' playoff dreams are dead, much like Dice Clay's stand up career.
25. Carolina Panthers: Daniel Tosh
Try going to a college campus and not finding anybody who likes Daniel Tosh.
Now try asking around the blogosphere to find somebody who thinks Cam Newton Sucks.
Now, go back before there was Tosh.0, and before Cam Newton had a 400 yard game in his NFL debut.
Think these two phenoms would have been as easily found on the maps of comedy and sports?
24. Miami Dolphins: Bob Saget
Were you a Miami Dolphins fan in the 70s, 80s or 90s? If so, you enjoyed being a fan of one of football's better teams in your younger years.
Now, you probably spend your Sundays crying in the fetal position.
Maybe you watched Full House as a child and loved it? If you did and you've seen Bob Saget's stand up, your childhood innocence probably went up in flames.
23. Kansas City Chiefs: Dane Cook
The Kansas City Chiefs shocked everyone last year by winning the AFC West thanks to riding the league's best running game and coaching staff.
That all came apart this year like a house of cards, making them a one and done.
Dane Cook has had one, two, MAYBE three good comedy specials. That does not qualify somebody to be one of the highest selling comics in the world.
It qualifies you as a one hit wonder. Congrats Dane, you're an honorary Kansas City Chief.
22. Philadelphia Eagles: Frank Caliendo
Frank Caliendo has made his career by impersonating other people rather than being himself. At this point, he probably has no idea who he is.
The Philadelphia Eagles of 2011 also have no clue who they are.
They thought they were the Dream Team. That is false. They thought they could be a great defensive team with their new free agents. They aren't. They thought they could be a high flying offense with the league's most mobile quarterback, and he can't stay on the field (not that he's been any good anyway).
If Frank wants to get beyond NFL on FOX Sundays and the Eagles want to reach the playoffs, they had both better find themselves.
21. Washington Redskins: Bill Maher
The Washington Redskins and Bill Maher have one overriding thing in common, one which trumps all other comparisons.
They both need Washington D.C.
Without D.C, the Redskins would be homeless, and Bill Maher would have no T.V show or comedic career.
20. Chicago Bears: Dave Chappelle
Remember when the Chappelle Show was the best thing ever? Remember when the Chicago Bears won five straight games this season in a dominant fashion?
Well, then things went downhill.
Dave Chappelle went crazy and fled the country leaving his spurned masses of fans behind.
Football and comedy, becoming one.
19. Tennessee Titans: George Lopez
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Chris Johnson became reviled by fans over the Summer of 2011 due to his obnoxious and lengthy holdout.
The funny part about Johnson's contract situation, is that the greedy fool legitimately believes he is that much better than other running backs.
There are few famous people who are as impressed with themselves as Chris Johnson, but George Lopez is one of them.
Though he is funny, during his routines he often talks himself up and brags about his accomplishments.
We get it Chris and George, you guys think you're awesome.
18. San Diego Chargers: Jerry Seinfeld
Jerry Seinfeld's show is classic. His stand up is not much more than decent. For having a funny show, his stand up is that much more disappointing.
The San Diego Chargers look impressive on paper every season, and yet they routinely fail to do anything impressive. Their underachievement is all the more disappointing because of the exciting roster.
They ARE the Jerry Seinfelds of the NFL .
17. Seattle Seahawks: Dennis Leary
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If you're familiar with Dennis Leary's stand up, you know that he's at his absolute funniest when he is screaming and raving angrily into the microphone. Docile Dennis Leary does not please the crowd like the crazy version does.
With the Seattle Seahawks, when Marshawn Lynch is tame and going through the motions, they suck.
When Beast Mode is engaged, nobody can stop this team or it's raging dreadlocked monstrosity in the backfield.
Leary and Lynch should go on the road together.
16. Arizona Cardinals: D.L Hughley
The Arizona Cardinals are not a bad team. The Arizona Cardinals are not a good team either. They're just kind of there, except when they get gimmicky. Then they rock
When I say gimmicks, I mean Larry Fitzgerald and Patrick Peterson. When you have a rookie who can return kicks to the house, and your offense is just "throw to Fitzgerald", how else are you described?
D.L Hughley is likewise a decent comedian, without excelling in any one way. Except when he uses HIS gimmick.
Hughley is unusually gifted at messing with his crowd. He is at his absolute best when he is mercilessly picking on the poor souls who paid good money to see him.
Gimmicks will keep you above the bottom half, but you won't be winning any titles.
15. Oakland Raiders: Lisa Lampanelli
Lisa Lampanelli is probably one of the dirtiest comedians to ever walk the face of the earth. Her offensive sexual jokes and racial slurs have brought joy to millions.
The Oakland Raiders just so happen to be football's dirtiest team, being penalized 10+ times per game.
The NFL hates them almost as much as the comedy world loves or hates Lisa Lampanelli.
14. Cincinnati Bengals: Jeffrey Lluis
The Cincinnati Bengals are notorious for picking up criminal personalities on their roster. Adam "Pacman" Jones has one of the largest rap sheets in the entire league.
Comedian Jeffrey Lluis was caught robbing the SAME BANK twice. Why a comic needs to rob a bank, we'll never know.
He'd fit in great on the Bengals roster.
13. New York Giants: Adam Sandler
First of all, for those who don't know, Adam Sandler is from New York, making him an automatic qualified applicant.
Really though, Adam Sandler is the New York Giants' comedian because of Eli Manning.
Never before have two guys as goofy as Sandler and Manning been so successful.
They give doofy fellows across America a ray of hope.
12. Dallas Cowboys: Larry the Cable Guy
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Larry the Cable Guy is the hero of all rednecks. With his hilarious fat guy persona and funny southern accent, he tells blue collar jokes that are funny no matter where you're from.
Jerry Jones must love Larry the Cable Guy because Jones is a huge redneck. Make no mistake, that money can't hide his roots.
Jones is the redneck king. He's just a rich redneck.
11. New York Jets: Lewis Black
The New York Jets came back to relevance with the arrival of Rex Ryan in 2009. He brought a blustery loud mouth attitude that immediately brought the spotlight to the green and white.
The Jets' players picked up on Ryan's attitude, and have become one of the loudest trash talking teams in the NFL.
For those who don't know, Lewis Black is one of the loudest comedians in the business. When the man gets going, his screaming rants carry on unimpeded for minutes at a time, and you will tend to lose track of what he's talking about.
Rex Ryan's nonsensical ranting often has an appearance of a fat Lewis Black, while the rest of his noisy players provide the volume.
10. Denver Broncos: Jeff Dunham
Jeff Dunham is funny, no doubt about it.
However, much of the credit for Dunham's comedy belongs to his dummies, such as Ahmed the Dead Terrorist. Those silent dummies don't get the credit they deserve.
The Denver Broncos win game after game, and everyone points to Tim Tebow.
Uhh, no...its the dummies on his team like Von Miller and Brian Dawkins winning games for the Broncos.
Credit is hard to give out it would seem.
9. Atlanta Falcons: Jeff Foxworthy
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Jeff Foxworthy is one of those decent all around comedians. Good at pretty much everything without being great.
This describes the Atlanta Falcons to a tee.
Plus, they're both from the south.
8. Detroit Lions: George Carlin
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If you ever watched George Carlin (rest his soul), you know that he was one angry little guy who hated EVERYONE.
The Detroit Lions may or may not hate everybody, but they sure are playing like it. Ndamukong Suh may have gotten a two game suspension for stomping on an opponent, but I'm sure Carlin would have approved.
Those Lions play angry.
7. Pittsburgh Steelers: Robin Williams
Robin Williams is one terrific comic. Sure, he isn't perfect. Nobody is. The Pittsburgh Steelers aren't perfect either, but then again, how can you possibly complain if you're a fan?
Robin Williams brings his fans so much joy, and so does Mike Tomlin's team.
Fans of both are just living the dream.
6. Houston Texans: Josh Blue
The Houston Texans have overcome a mountain of diversity in 2011 to clinch their first ever franchise playoff berth.
Losing Matt Schaub, Matt Leinart, Mario Williams, Danieal Manning, Andre Johnson and others should have struck their season a mortal blow. Instead they are sitting at 10-4 and are poised for a solid playoff run.
Josh Blue has Cerebral Palsy, and rather than just live with it, he has turned his ailment into fame and fortune through courage and self-deprecating humor.
The Texans clearly took a leaf from his book.
5. Baltimore Ravens: Kevin Hart
If you make the Baltimore Ravens angry, they will punch you in the mouth and run you over with the Ray Rice mobile.
Don't piss him off, or Kevin Hart will punch you in the mouth and run you over with his Cadillac.
He's also about as hood as Terrell Suggs.
4. New England Patriots: Richard Lewis
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Everybody hates the New England Patriots. Even their fans, which is why they leave in the third quarter when the Pats are losing. They hate Bill Belichick and his smugness, they hate Tom Brady and his Uggs, and they especially hate the fact that they always win, with no defense whatsoever.
Everybody also hates Richard Lewis. He's not funny, yet people laugh at his jokes, which only enrages his detractors.
Never have two such hated entities enjoyed so much undeserved success.
3. New Orleans Saints: Richard Pryor
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When Richard Pryor came onto the scene, he changed the way people viewed comedy. The trailblazing funny man paved the way for the new school of comics and changed the landscape of the entertainment industry forever.
Drew Brees and his New Orleans Saints are single handedly leading the change of the NFL into a pass-only league. With Drew Brees on pace to break Dan Marino's yardage record for the second time in four seasons, clearly he's spearheading a new style of NFL offense, and it is catching on.
I wonder if Dan Marino loves Richard Pryor as much as he loves the Saints.
2. San Francisco 49ers: Eddie Murphy
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Eddie Murphy was once the king of comedy. The old school master.
In a new passing-centric world, the San Fransisco 49ers are keeping it old school, with an offense tailored to the running game and a hard nosed defense.
They are proving you can still be one of the NFL's elite teams without throwing for 350+ yards per game.
Eddie Murphy is proving that if you were awesome in the old school days, you don't have to work.
This team is RAW.
1. Green Bay Packers: Chris Rock
The Green Bay Packers,despite finally losing a game, are still the best team around.
Chris Rock is arguably the best comic in the business.
It's a perfect union. Unlike the Packers' season.