Are you ready for some football?  A Monday night party?  I thought so.  The team of the '70s is about to take on the team of the '80s, and playoff implications are oozing out of everyone.  Welcome to Monday night.

 

Pregame

Do-do do doooo…dododo, dododo…do-do do do dooooo…do-do do do-do do doooo…baam, baaam, baaaam, baaam, baaaaaaaaaaaaaam….do-do do-do dooo!

(The Monday Night Football theme song, obviously.  The lyrics are similar to the old NBA on NBC theme.)

Tonight’s showdown features the Pittsburgh Steelers and San Francisco 49ers, each sitting pretty with identical 10-3 records.  Pittsburgh is in the pole position for the AFC’s No. 1 seed, while the Niners are trying to keep pace with the Saints for the NFC’s No. 2 seed.  It’s the first meeting between the Steelers and Niners since 2007.  Drama everywhere.

Speaking of drama, the power has just gone out in Candlestick Park.  Chris Berman—and, later, Mike Tirico—has assured us that there has not been an earthquake.  This is less shocking than the fact that Candlestick Park is still around, and it is still actually called Candlestick Park.  Stay tuned.

Thirty minutes later, we are ready to go.  It’s a Monday night game between two good teams starting at 9 p.m.—just like the good old days!  Could we get Frank, Al and Dan for this one?

Stuff you may have missed during the ultra-rare blackout delay:  Joe Montana doing an extended and completely unnecessary introduction; Trent Dilfer railing about adrenaline; Stu Scott being Stu Scott; Ben Roethlisberger is playing (and wearing two different shoes); coach Jim Harbaugh is fired up; these two teams have won a combined 11 Super Bowls; and the amount of Steeler fans in the crowd at the ‘Stick seems to be about 36 percent.

Are you ready for some football?

 

First Quarter

15:00:  Big Ben has missed only six games in his career.  Ron Jaworski claims Big Ben’s picture will come up if you Google the word tough.  I just did it.  Result:  negative.

11:57:  The electric Mike Wallace makes an early appearance, turning a short pass into a 36-yard gain.  Two plays later, Roethlisberger goes for Wallace again—this time in the end zone—and he’s picked off by Carlos Rodgers.  When in doubt, blame the ankle.

8:42:  San Fran’s Ted Ginn runs for a first down on the rarely seen wide receiver handoff.  I thought that play only happened in WPIAL high school games.

7:00:  Ted Ginn, Kyle Williams, Michael Crabtree—could we tell them apart if they didn’t have different numbers?  Meanwhile, the Niners are piling up first downs and have advanced deep into Pittsburgh territory.  Frank Gore can still play some ball.

4:46:  Crabtree with a huge first-down catch on 3rd-and-long.  In other news, Jon Gruden just said “that’s a big-time throw” for the 246th time this year, shattering Dan Dierdorf’s old single-season record.

3:28:  Small-handed quarterback Alex Smith misses a wide-open Williams in the end zone, and on the next play, Polamalu blitzes to disrupt the timing.  David Akers boots a chip-shot field goal.  3-0, Niners.

2:58:  ESPN just showed Roethlisberger’s grisly ankle injury against the Browns last Thursday, and every time I see it, it gets harder to believe it was only a high ankle sprain and not a career-ending broken everything.  Meanwhile, he has the Steelers on the move, despite overthrowing a deep ball to Wallace for just the second time ever.

0:15:  Roethlisberger looks gimpy and gets picked again on a high pass over the middle.  That one was definitely his ankle’s fault.  Blame the ankle, Ben!

 

Second Quarter

13:42: Mike Tirico is now calling Alex Smith “Alex.”  Why is it only the quarterbacks who get the first-name treatment?  I’m giving it to everyone else for the rest of the half.  Vernon just picked up a first down on a nice lunge after the catch.

12:18:  Frank drops a pass in the flat on third down.  David boots another field goal, breaking Jerry’s old scoring record for points in a season.  6-0, Niners.

12:13:  The lights are out again at the ‘Stick!  It’s so dark, you can’t even see Jim Harbaugh’s turtleneck.  Meanwhile, a brazen fan just ran out on the field, and Ben said, quite audibly:  “Where’s James Harrison when you need him?”  Nicely done.

11:03:  Play has resumed after a 16-minute delay.  The Steelers are on the move again, as Rashard is quietly having a solid first half:  eight carries for 29 yards and two catches for 20 yards.

9:31:  Heeeeeeaaaaaaaath…

5:47:  Ben’s gimpyness has gone up about 10 percent since Power Outage Delay II.  He nearly gets picked again on successive throws down the middle.  Another punt.

5:13:  Ryan (also known as the Other Safety) puts a perfectly timed hit on Vernon to knock the ball loose and prevent a long completion.  It’s the first impact play from this defense, which doesn’t have a sack so far and has yet to force a punt.  Oh, and they just let Alex run out of the pocket and up the middle for 15 yards.

1:26:  The Niners are putting together another long scoring drive.  This game needs another power outage to liven things up a bit.  The drive mercifully stalls at midfield, and Andy’s punt is downed inside the 5-yard line.  Gimpy Ben will get a chance to run the two-minute drill.

0:37:  First downs all over the place.  Antonio and Mewelde are making some plays.  As Jon might say, “That guy’s just a football player.”

0:04:  Thanks to some questionable clock management, Coach Mike has to decide between a Hail Mary pass or a 55-yard field goal from Shaun.  He opts for neither, as Ben completes a meaningless pass while time runs out.  The score at the half is San Fran 6, Power Outages 2, Steelers 0.

 

Third Quarter

15:00:  The Steelers and Niners last faced off on Monday night in 2003.  Terrell Owens had a huge night as San Fran rolled, 30-14, in a game that was, so far, much more entertaining than this one.

11:40:  Whoa, it’s our first mini-controversial play.  San Francisco fumbles a punt and the Steelers recover, but they are called for kick catch interference.  Tough break there for Keenan Ivory Lewis (™ Mike Prisuta).

9:58:  Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaath…

6:13:  Antonio Brown makes a tremendous twisting catch on the sidelines on third down, but he’s called out of bounds.  Gruden claims it’s one of the best catches he’s ever seen.  Dramatic challenge coming…and the call on the field is confirmed. 

His hand came down just before his toe, which is a shame, because that catch was faaaaantastic.  Shaun Suisham barely squeaks through a 51-yard field goal, his season-long.  6-3, Niners.

4:57:  Gruden professes his love for Ike Taylor, just seconds before Taylor gets fooled by Smith on 1st-and-20.  Still, Gruden seems to be the only announcer anywhere who realizes that Taylor would be a perennial Pro Bowler if only he could catch a football.

3:48:  The Niners run a textbook tight end delay to the opposite side of the field, and Vernon Davis steps out at the 1…or does he?  Dramatic challenge coming…and the play stands as called—1st-and-goal at the 1.

3:44:  Coach Tomlin tells his guys to watch for the pass, but nobody listens.  Smith tosses an easy touchdown to a wide-open Davis.  13-3, Niners.

2:25:  Big Ben puts the Steelers into the no-huddle and they are marching down the field quickly.  He hits Jerricho Cotchery for a huge play, perhaps his finest throw of the night, and the Steelers reach the San Francisco 30-yard line for the first time tonight.

0:58:  Big Ben is forced to throw it away under heavy pressure on third down.  Suisham hooks a 48-yarder; every grandma in Pittsburgh saw that one coming.  By the way, Jeff Reed surely would have made that kick.

 

Fourth Quarter

12:55:  Huge play as Ben throws a 30-yard dart from his own goal line to Cotchery, who hangs on a after a big hit.  In unrelated news, this game is now on pace to finish before 1 a.m. ET.

11:31:  Roethlisberger is strip-sacked on second down by Justin Smith.  Helluva play there, and it may be the final nail in the coffin for the Steelers.

9:15:  Linebacker Lawrence Timmons is flagged for the rarely seen “illegal leap” penalty, which negates another field goal and gives the Niners a 1st-and-goal at the 5.  This may be the first-ever prime-time game to feature a power outage and an illegal leap penalty.  Meanwhile, Gore rumbles in for the score.  Warm up the bus.  20-3, Niners.

7:53:  Mewelde Moore just possibly blew his knee out, Big Ben just got sacked and knocked down in consecutive plays, and the Steelers go three-and-out again.  I’d be shocked if Charlie Batch didn’t finish this game.

5:31:  After an exchange of possessions, Ben is back in.  He promptly takes yet another sack.  Can we get another power outage so the refs can just call this game?

3:52:  Heeaath…

3:17:  Ben tosses his third interception when he goes deep for Wallace.  That one was absolutely the ankle’s fault.  This one is in the books.  It was probably the Steelers' worst performance on Monday Night Football since their loss to the Niners back in ’03. 

Merry Christmas, Baltimore Ravens…see you in the playoffs.