Minnesota Timberwolves: A Christmas Gift for Each Player
Timberwolves fans, rejoice! A new season is upon us. Holiday shopping, excess snow and a losing Vikings season mean it's time for basketball.
Gifts abound for Wolves fans: Derrick Williams, Ricky Rubio, JJ Barea and a slimmed-down Kevin Love. Did we mention that kid from Spain? Or that coach who's won 945 games?
However, with 17 wins this past season, the Timberwolves players will need some gifts as well.
Here's what Santa should put in each player's stocking.
Christmas Gift: Peace on earth and goodwill towards men
Mike, it has been a rough offseason for you. First, the drug charges. Then it was the "smushing" incident. There was that nasty legal battle with your former agent and the embarrassingly low turnout to his charity game.
On top of that, there is a surplus of forwards in Minnesota. There will be a lot of tinkering and adjusting to find the right mix.
Mike, everything is going to be alright. This season is a fresh start for you and a chance for you to redeem yourself.
I wish you can grow this season and access that potential that everyone is always talking about .
Oh yeah, it's a contract year.
Christmas Gift: Chocolate diamonds
Wayne, we all loved you at North Carolina. However, Minnesota isn't Chapel Hill.
Your seasons with the Wolves have not been memorable. And the most attention you've gotten is due to your attractive girlfriend.
You better get her some of those chocolate diamonds before you're sent down to the D-League.
Christmas Gift: Crayola Crayon Maker Studio
Wes, you were a decent addition to the Timberwolves during your rookie season, but sort of bland.
You can defend the perimeter just fine and make the three every once in a while. However, Hooters scores more from their wings than you do.
You need to add some color to your game and get creative with your scoring.
Christmas Gift: An iPad 2
Malcolm, you got a three-year guaranteed contract. That's something special for a second-round draft pick.
Use that money to get yourself something to take notes. You'll probably be watching a lot of film playing behind Ricky Rubio, Luke Ridnour and JJ Barea.
Christmas Gift: One of these jackets.
Kevin, fans in Minnesota love you. We want you to stay here. You're the most eligible bachelor in Minnesota now that Joe Mauer is off the list. You got fans talking about basketball here again.
If you're with us for the long term, a good coat is a necessary investment.
Christmas Gift: A Fijit Friend
Darko, Santa could see you were trying to be good this year. Your blocked shots percentage went up and for a few moments, you were in the Most Improved Player conversation.
However, you were still as maligned as ever.
We're glad you've found a home in Minnesota, but you might need some more friends.
Christmas Gift: A clipboard
Brad, fans are glad you're here. Management wants you to help teach Kevin Love the ways of the big man.
It looks like you are out until mid-January. Better get a good clipboard to take notes.
Christmas Gift: A Santa hat
Nikola, you scare everybody. You look like you a bad guy in a James Bond movie.
Everyone likes people in Santa hats.
Actually, get yourself another tattoo. Your other one is pretty sick.
Christmas Gift: Strengths Finder 2.0 by Tom Rath
Anthony, you've got us all excited. Your freakishly long size and slinky-esque way around the court got us all hot and bothered over thoughts of a Minnesota big man finally being able to dominate the paint. However, you got off to a rough start last season.
Fellow B/R Correspondent Chris Finocchio told us how your basketball career may as well be a Greek tragedy.
All signs point to you getting some minutes at the five spot this season. You're going to need to adjust.
Strengths Finder 2.0 is not a workout book. It's about finding your inner strengths and where to apply them. Your unique skill set can make any coach salivate. This book can help you focus your powers and get results.
Also, it wouldn't hurt to hit the bench press a little bit, either.
Christmas Gift: A tie
Luke, you made watching Wolves basketball more pleasant when Jonny Flynn was not on the floor. Except that the situation with Rubio and JJ Barea makes your role on the Wolves a bit more muddled.
A tie is management's way of saying, "You're a great asset to the team, but you may need this when you hop on a plane to wherever we're going to send you come midseason."
Christmas Gift: A custom tailored suit
Welcome to Minnesota, Ricky. We're glad you could finally make it.
To Minnesota fans, Ricky might the second coming of Pete Maravich. To the rest of the NBA, he is still the Spanish kid who can't shoot, but looks really good in YouTube videos.
Ricky, show the world you mean business. You're not 14 anymore. You're playing with the big boys now.
Christmas Gift: A nice watch
Anthony, you're a great guy. You work hard and like to have a little bit of fun.
We hope you can stick around.
Get yourself a nice watch. Everybody could use a good watch.
Christmas Gift: Operation board game
Martell, sorry to hear about your recent operation. You'll need something to keep you occupied as you recover from back surgery.
Christmas Gift: A 2011 Lincoln MKZ
Derrick, fans like you already. You are our best prospect draft pick since we took that kid from Farragut Academy sixteen years ago. We were worried a bit if we were going to see you this season.
Don't worry about the pressure; that kid from Spain will hog most all the space under the microscope. Just don't get in to any hissy fits and give us some spectacular highlights and we'll be happy, for now.
Your new Under Armour commercial speaks loads about your character. You work hard. We Minnesotans respect that. Your actions speak louder than your words. That's a true Minnesotan.
You don't need a giant SUV with rims or a huge truck. We'll see right through that. Minnesota is not LA. Get yourself a classy, but practical car.
We'll be impressed with your taste and your concern for good gas mileage.
Christmas Gift: A digital picture frame
JJ, it's great that you came to Minnesota. We don't get too many players excited to move up north. Especially after having a breakout season.
We're glad you're here, but things in Minnesota might move a little bit more...slowly. Things have improved (we promise!).
However, you might want a few things to remember the good times with Dirk and Jason.
Hopefully, you'll replace those memories soon.
Christmas Gift: Patience
Rick, thank you for coming. Unlike the last guy who occupied a seat on the sidelines, you seem to know what you're doing.
David Kahn has gift wrapped a lot of potential for you. It may take a while for a team to be forged from this bunch, but we're a patient bunch here in the north land.
Also, it wouldn't hurt to take a few breaths when dealing with Kahn, either.
Christmas Wish List
What's on this fan's Christmas list? Glad you asked.
- A long-term contract for K-Love
- 8-10 assists per game average for Ricky Rubio
- Rookie of the Year for Derrick Williams
- A matured Michael Beasley
- A shooting guard who can create off the dribble
Also, at least 25 wins would be nice.
Merry Christmas, Wolves fans!