NFL Power Rankings: Comparing Each Team to a Candy Bar
At this point in the season, speculation over who the best teams are is over. We know who they are now.
For a little change of pace, we'll be bringing you some lighthearted fun comparing each NFL team to a delectable (or not so delectable) confectionery treat.
The ubiquitous love of candy bars throughout the world spreads to the NFL power rankings today, in a cacophony of sweets that would even make fat Albert Haynesworth drool.
Sit back and enjoy, as we tickle your sweet tooth and satiate your undying lust for NFL coverage simultaneously.
32. Indianapolis Colts: Zero Bars
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This one is very simple folks
I don't really know what a Zero Bar is. I know they exist, I know they are sold in the United States. More importantly, I know that by their very name, they should be sold at Lucas Oil Stadium.
Zero Bars are a symbol of the Indianapolis Colts' 2011 season.
They encompass one half of Indy's 2011 record: the win column.
Obvious? Yes. But truthful.
31. St. Louis Rams: Almond Joy
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Don't get me wrong, I love many ingredients of the Almond Joy, EXCEPT for coconut.
I cannot deal with coconut mixed with chocolate. It just doesn't work.
The St. Louis Rams had expectations riding high this season. Everything was looking so promising with chocolate and almonds enticing you to the playoffs, and then you bit into the 2011 season and BOOM!!
That is the Rams season for you right there. No way to explain what happened.
The coconut that is the Rams record that ruined what could have been a great 2011 season for the organization.
At least St. Louis has the Cardinals right?
30. Minnesota Vikings: Pistache
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What is in the Pistache you ask? Do you REALLY wan't to know? Ok then.
Pistachios, cardamom and orange in dark chocolate.
No. Just no.
The repulsiveness of that recipe is matched only by the repulsiveness of the Minnesota Vikings 2011 season.
Can we start the "Free Adrian Peterson" campaign soon?
29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Strawberry Charleston Chew
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The Charleston Chew is a fantastic treat. When not tainted with the taste of strawberry. Give me a regular one any day, just please no strawberry.
Imagine unwrapping a fresh Charleston Chew (thinking it is regular flavor), getting ready to savor that first delicious bite. You chomp down and BLECH! Strawberry!
Much like the St. Louis Rams, that is what happened this season for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. To go from playoff sleeper to possible top-10 draft pick is not a good look for any team.
Neither is a pink and brown candy bar. Ugh.
28. Cleveland Browns: Brown Pudding
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No, I'm not making a joke on the Cleveland Browns. Brown Pudding is a real thing.
And yes, it is as horrendous as the 2011 season for Cleveland.
Brown sugar, coconut, cherries, peanut butter, raisins and spices in milk chocolate. Those are the ingredients of a Brown Pudding.
What drunken moron decided those things would taste good together?
Was it the same guy that decided to take the Browns roster into 2011 the way it was?
While you look at the contents of this puke-ful concoction, think about how well their lack of compatibility fits the Cleveland Browns:
To name but one example: Colt McCoy and a football=Peanut butter and cherries.
The rest of the comparisons (and the gagging), I leave that to your imagination.
27. Philadelphia Eagles: Pistachio & Rose Petal Chocolate Bar
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Does that candy bar sound way to fancy? Okay good. That is exactly what the Philadelphia Eagles tried to be for the 2011 season. Just wayyyyy too fancy.
Milk chocolate studded with Sicilian pistachios and candied rose petals. That isn't a candy bar, that's a table decoration at a fancy restaurant.
The Eagles tried to put a bunch of fancy things together in free agency, thinking it would lead them to an easy title.
All it got them was a $100 million quarterback who was constructed out of candied rose petals himself.
26. Kansas City Chiefs: Hershey's Dark Chocolate
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Dark chocolate may appeal to some, but if you ask me, all it does is leave a nasty bitter aftertaste in your mouth.
That's what the Kansas City Chiefs season has been like. Their fans have been tortured throughout 2011 after winning the AFC West in 2010.
The consolation of eating dark chocolate is that it's better than eating Brown Pudding, but that's like saying Todd Haley's firing makes the 2011 season any less bitter to swallow.
THIS aftertaste is going to stick around.
25. Jacksonville Jaguars: Three Musketeers Mint
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The Jacksonville Jaguars have all of the flaws of the standard Three Musketeers bar: soft and not filling (their stadium anyway), but without the good taste of the standard candy.
The Three Musketeers Mint takes away all good qualities of the Three Musketeers, replacing it with a chocolate-toothpaste flavored concoction that causes a grimace more often than a smile.
Doesn't that sound like the Jacksonville Jaguars to you?
Even the NFL's leading rusher can't counteract a 4-9 record.
24. Miami Dolphins: York Peppermint Patty
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A peppermint could be defined as a tasty sweet that burns the mouth with a strong mint sensation. While Miami recovered from an awful start and gave its fans something to be happy about in the end this season, the Dolphins were that little tickling-burning sensation in the mouth of every NFL team they played after Week 7.
They've been dangerous spoilers since then, and trying to take a bite out of these fish could end up with you getting burned, as the rest of the NFL has since learned.
23. Washington Redskins: Gingembre
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This has nothing to do with a bad or good tasting candy, or a bad or good team. Gingembre is ginger, macadamia nuts and lemon in dark chocolate. This is not a combination any sane human being would think of.
Therefore, it is only fitting that the Redskins draw this comparison, for as we know Mike Shanahan is the biggest psychopath in the entire NFL. Only somebody as crazy as Shanahan would think of combining lemon with dark chocolate and macadamia nuts.
In football terms, that's like having Rex Grossman toss it to John Beck who then tries a Hail Mary to Barry Cofield.
In Crazy Mike's head, that would make sense as a play. I bet he likes Gingembre too.
22. Buffalo Bills: Three Musketeers
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The Three Musketeers bar is delicious, but like the Buffalo Bills, can leave you wanting a little something more.
The Bills came out swinging in 2011 to the tune of 3-0, but were eventually overwhelmed by their soft defense.
Much like the Three Musketeers bar, the Bills defense lacked substance. The offense was exciting and potent, like the first bite of the candy, but the defense was soft and easy to get through, just like the center of a Three Musketeers.
21. Tennessee Titans: Godiva Chocolate Bar
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Have you ever way overpaid for candy? Even really good candy? If you have bought Godiva chocolates, the answer is a resounding yes, you have overpaid.
How do you think the Tennessee Titans feel about Chris Johnson? Want to talk about overpaid? The Tennessee Titans bought a lifetime supply of Godiva Chocolates at double the standard rate when they made Chris Johnson the highest paid running back ever.
20. Arizona Cardinals: Snickers Dark Chocolate
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Kevin Kolb has been what you might call a disappointment. After trading Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie and a host of other assets to get him, having John Skelton earn most of the season's wins has to be a little weird for everyone.
How do you think it must feel to be a little kid biting into a dark chocolate Snickers, thinking it's just a normal Snickers, only to taste the bitterness of dark chocolate?
That's gotta feel like getting kicked in the nuts.
Nice work, Kevin Kolb.
19. Carolina Panthers: Reese's Fastbreak
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They should just rename this team the Carolina Cam Newtons. That's the only reason they get a Reese's anyway. Cam Newton is just a walking talking Fastbreak.
In candy terms, a fastbreak is that really diesel candy bar that puts others to shame, and unlike its fellow Reese's products, it stands alone. Just like Cam Newton.
For a lame play on words, he also broke out in the NFL pretty fast, didn't he?
18. Chicago Bears: Milky Way (bite Size)
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The Milky Way chocolate bar is a fine piece of confectionery on its own, but we all know the Mars company's real deal is the Snickers, which is essentially a Milky Way with the awesome addition of peanuts.
Caleb Hanie is no T.J Yates.
17. San Diego Chargers: Melted Hershey's Dark Chocolate
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Let's face it, dark chocolate is difficult enough to eat under good circumstances.
Eating dark chocolate when it becomes a melted mess is near impossible. Look, now its all over your hands!
A bar of dark chocolate left out on the windowsill to melt in the sun is the perfect metaphor for the San Diego Chargers' season; it's just one big hot mess that you don't want to clean up.
There's going to be some serious housekeeping in San Diego soon. It's going to get bitter really fast.
16. Seattle Seahawks: Heath Bar
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The Heath Bar is one of those candies that isn't bad, but isn't all that good. Not too much to complain about, and not too much to be excited over.
The Seahawks have been exactly that this season. Failing to come up with enough victories to have a realistic playoff shot, while not compiling enough losses to be considered terrible, the Seattle Seahawks have just been...eh.
Way to go guys. You're officially the world's most average snack food.
Honorary Mention: Skittles for Marshawn Lynch.
15. Cincinnati Bengals: Mounds
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Okay, remember how I said I hate chocolate and coconut? Well, I do.
Somehow though, I am able to tolerate Mounds. They are surprisingly not bad.
Just like the Cincinnati Bengals, whom I was expecting to have a 4-12 or 5-11 season. Instead they sit at 7-6 and are fighting for a wild-card slot with a rookie quarterback and wide receiver.
How is that any less surprising than a coconut-based candy NOT sucking?
Answer: It isn't any less surprising at all.
14. Oakland Raiders: Kit Kat Bar
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Much of the Oakland Raiders' early success this season is directly a cause of the Kit-Kat nature of their offense. Just when Darren McFadden would seem too tired to go on for another play, Michael Bush would step up and start knocking defenders on their collective behinds.
The tandem running backs were there to "give each other a break," and it worked beautifully, making the Raiders the Kit-Kat's of the NFL.
Side note: You know that snapping noise that the Kit-Kats make when you break them apart? Jason Campbell's collarbone did that too.
13. Dallas Cowboys: 100 Grand
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The Dallas Cowboys earn the title of the 100 Grand candy bar for reasons that upset fans, but make Jerry Jones a happy man.
The Cowboys are all about flash and glitter, and charging an arm and a leg to go to their games. The flashy attitude gives the players on the team a certain swagger, but I'm sure fans would rather have a team that didn't choke in December while charging a month's rent for nosebleed seats.
100 Grand: A solid Candy Bar.
100 Grand: The cost of season tickets at Jerryworld
100 Grand: Tony Romo's salary next year if the Cowboys don't make the postseason
12. Detroit Lions: Krackel
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Krackel is a delicious brand of candy that only comes in small sizes.
That is what the Detroit Lions have given their fans this season. Bites of deliciousness, interspersed with bouts of extreme hunger.
To make the playoffs as a wild card this year will be an enormous leap for the Detroit Lions. We'll have to see if they have the ability to pull it off, or if what they've done this season will "Krack" apart like so much crisped rice.
Regardless, Jim Schwartz should feed Ndamukong Suh some of these treats before each game. Maybe the delicious combination of rice and milk chocolate will make him less mean.
11. Denver Broncos: Hershey's Milk Chocolate
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How are Tim Tebow's Broncos who started the season 1-4 getting the most consistent candy bar on the list? Simply because they continue to do the same thing week in and week out.
They never wow you in a good way, but they never wow you in a bad way. They just win. Is it any different with the reliable Hershey's Milk Chocolate?
It is just consistently (and I can't believe I'm using this for Tim Tebow) good.
Until they become a consistent loser, how can they not be this candy?
Winning is good. So is milk chocolate.
10. Atlanta Falcons: Nestle' White Chocolate
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Right up there with milk chocolate is white chocolate.
White chocolate is one of those things that just tastes so good, but you have no idea that its there unless you made a conscious decision to eat it by itself.
The Falcons are very much the same. You won't see them making the SportsCenter top 10 very often, and they don't win or lose by nearly enough to make the headlines, but if you choose to watch them, the show ain't too shabby.
Like the Denver Broncos and their milk chocolate, the Atlanta Falcons can keep pulling through week after week.
9. New York Giants: Butterfinger
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Ah, the delicious Butterfinger.
Pound for pound (ounce?), the Butterfinger might actually be the best tasting candy bar on this list. That is not why I have assigned it to my favorite team however.
Have you ever been eating a Butterfinger, savoring that delicious weird peanut butter taste and had crumble in your hands or in the wrapper when it's only half done?
Ever been watching a New York Giants season and seen the same thing happen? I thought so.
What's more, the chunks of the delicious goodness of a Butterfinger will frequently end up stuck on your teeth after consumption.
While tasty, it is an annoying inconvenience that is best washed away with milk.
That sure sounds like the last two New York Giant seasons to me.
How about you?
8. New York Jets: Baby Ruth
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Aside from the obvious New York references available here, the Jets have plenty to connect them to the Baby Ruth.
No, it isn't because Rex Ryan has several thousand of them buried in one of the end zones. He hides candy everywhere...that isn't news.
The texture of the Baby Ruth is bumpy and uncertain, full of jagged protrusions and unknown landscape.
That is the very definition of a New York Jets season.
Of teams expected to contend for the playoffs on a yearly basis, no team in the NFL faces a more uncertain path to get there than the Jets. They give more heart attacks to fans than a lifetime supply of candy ever could.
Mark Sanchez and Rex Ryan had better get it together in the next year or two, or they could find themselves selling Baby Ruths in the stands of Metlife Stadium.
7. Houston Texans: Payday
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The Houston Texans are so full of win that there is a nearly endless list of excellent candy to compare this team to.
However, the one I have deemed most appropriate is: Payday.
A Payday is much more than the sum of it's parts: The individual nuts and caramel center are not terrific by themselves, but rather they come together to form a whole that is so far above and beyond what peanuts or caramel could ever be by themselves.
So it is with the injury-devastated Houston Texans, whose roster at this point is held together with chewing gum and paper clips. Their team is more than just the sum of its stars (Schaub, Johnson, Williams, Manning) all of whom have been lost to injury at some point in the season.
Like a Payday, this team comes together to become something so much more, which is why they have earned their first ever franchise playoff berth.
A Payday is also exactly what awaits rookie fifth-round pick T.J Yates this coming offseason.
6. San Fransisco 49ers: Snickers
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The San Fransisco 49ers have been as rugged and awesome as any Snickers bar this season.
The chocolatey-caramel goodness combined with peanuts and nougat create one of the best candy bars in the entire business.
The 49ers, who are battling for the NFC's No. 2 seed, are well-deserving of the Snickers title. Their hard-nosed defense and running game has been the NFL's Snickers of 2011.
5. Pittsburgh Steelers: Mr. Goodbar
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Aside from the obvious shared color characteristics, Mr. Goodbar has a lot in common with the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Mainly the hard nuts.
Ben Roethlisberger is one tough nut to crack. The man simply has balls of steel. No matter how horrific an injury he suffers, he's back on the field before you can say "Charlie Batch sucks."
You can enjoy a Mr. Goodbar on any occasion, much like you can enjoy at least one Pittsburgh Steelers playoff game every year.
4. New Orleans Saints: Twix
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Milk chocolate, caramel and wafer. Times two.
Does it get any better than that? Just when you think the New Orleans Saints are just too good to be true, they show you a little more.
Being a Saints fan must be like eating a Twix bar and forgetting that they come in twos, only to remember the second one right when you wish you didn't eat the first one so fast.
The New Orleans Saints are the gift that just keeps on giving.
3. New England Patriots: Hershey's Cookies N' Cream
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A Hershey Cookies n' Cream bar is one of the most consistent candy treats around. You always know exactly what you're going to get from it.
Even if that first bite tastes a little off, just deal with it and know that the next will be better.
Sadly, that is what the New England Patriots are like too. Watching them play the Washington Redskins on Sunday, I remember thinking when the Redskins had a lead, "Eh, the Pats are gonna win anyway."
When was your last "bad" Cookies n' Cream? The consistency of white chocolate is pretty similar to how frustratingly ridiculous Rob Gronkowski is right? I think so.
Gronk like Cookies n' Cream. Gronk hungry. Gronk eat candy. Gronk happy.
2. Baltimore Ravens: Nestle' Crunch Bar
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Do I have to explain this one to you? Before I do, Nestle' Crunch is easily justifiable up here with the Baltimore Ravens. Milk chocolate over crisped rice? Is there anything better? (Aside from peanut butter of course)....
My only problem with Crunch bars is that marketing slogan that says "for the kid in you." SCREW that. As an adult, I fully endorse the frequent and voracious consumption of Crunch bars.
You know that delightful crackly-crunching sound when you bite into one of these delectable tooth-killers?
If you listen carefully, you can hear the same sound when Ray Lewis tackles a running back. Or Terrelle Suggs a quarterback. Or when Haloti Ngata steps on small animals by accident.
The aptly-named Nestle' Crunch bar could become the signature candy of these hard-hitting Ravens.
1. Green Bay Packers: Reese's Sticks
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I don't want to hear anything about how Reese's Sticks are not as good as the cups. I just don't. If you hate Reese's in general, there is clearly something wrong with you. Stop reading. Now.
Like the Green Bay Packers of 2011, everything about Reese's Sticks is a whirling dervish of perfection. After all, it's just a crunchy Reese's Cup
Let's start by pointing out that nothing can beat the combination of chocolate and peanut butter, much like nothing can stop Aaron Rodgers from passing to Greg Jennings.
When you're craving something delicious to snack on, a package of Reese's Sticks will put your team on its back.
Besides which, when you finish the first delectable stick of peanut butter/chocolate crunchy goodness....there is another one waiting for you! How can you possibly beat that?
Oh wait....you can't beat that.