Kim Kardashian and 20 Women We Wish We Could Kick out of Sports Forever
Alas, this is not that list. David Stern just isn't that sexy, after all. No, this is a list of the 20 women that somehow fall within the realm of sports that we all wish we could just be rid of already.
Let's get to the banishing.
Marion Jones' Steroid Use
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We don't want no stinking steroids in sports! Marion Jones, unfortunately you are now the figurehead for steroid use in female athletics, much like, well, baseball in the '90s represents it for males.
We don't want any more athletes like you that cheat and bring shame to the games, or, in your case, our country. And while I'm sure you aren't the only female who has cheated, you are the most visible.
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I dedicate this slide to the people of Ottawa. The Wall Street Journal explains why, from this past February:
Last week, the Ottawa Senators traded Mike Fisher, one of the team's most popular players, to the Nashville Predators for a pair of draft picks.
It would have been a sad day under any circumstances—Mr. Fisher, a ruggedly handsome Ontario native, had played in Ottawa his entire career.
But this wasn't just any cold-blooded hockey transaction: The trade to Nashville allowed Mr. Fisher to share a roof with his new wife, country superstar Carrie Underwood.
Oh, and then there was this:
And in one final gratuitous blow to the Canadian psyche, the residents of Nashville didn't exactly greet Mr. Fisher with a ticker-tape parade. A headline on a local newspaper's web site said: "Predators acquire Carrie Underwood's husband."
Carrie Underwood, you are hockey's far less nefarious version of Yoko Ono. Or something like that.
Rachel Phelps wanted to field the worst possible team she could so she would sell a paltry amount of tickets and could move her team to Miami.
Do her intentions to move to Miami from Cleveland make her the LeBron James of fictional female sports owners? Or, was LeBron James the Rachel Phelps of basketball players?
Yes, and yes.
Jemal Countess/Getty Images
I don't really want to kick Anna Kournikova out of sports forever. I just want everyone to accept that she was once a tennis player and later became a sex symbol.
And that's fine. Almost all of the pop stars in the world today were once singers before they became sex symbols that pretend to be singers. Let's stop making snarky jokes about Kournikova just because her fame outpaced her skills as a tennis player.
That's what I want to kick out of sports—lame Kournikova jealousy under the guise of "Kournikova had no talent" whining. She was once the eighth-best female tennis player in the world. Then one day, she wasn't.
I don't know when I became such a Kournikova defender. But it happened, and damn it, I'm sticking to it.
Serena Williams Outbursts
I don't want to get rid of Serena Williams, one of the preeminent tennis players of her generation.
I just want her to stop freaking out, man.
Maria Sharapova's Grunts
Again, I don't want to eliminate Maria Sharapova from tennis—she's a fine player.
But at this point, the grunts really need to go, if for no other reason than they've become too much a part of the story every time Sharapova goes deep into a tournament, to the point that the BBC launched a tool to reduce the volume of grunts in tennis.
And you thought people got annoyed by Vuvuzelas.
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I don't ever want to relive the following again, as retold by a seven-year-old Cowboys fan:
So Jessica Simpson was sitting up in a box and Tony Romo did bad and everyone said it was Jessica's fault. Why is everyone blaming her if she didn't mess up or anything? Did she do something else that was bad? That's silly.
And then they went on a vacation together before some other important game when Tony had a week off and that made people sad because they said Tony couldn't pay attention to football or something while they were kissing. I like vacations, I get to go into the ocean and make sand castles. I want to go on vacation!
That's why I don't want Jessica Simpson involved in sports again. If something like the above repeats itself, I will put a live grenade in my mouth.
Listen, we get it. Your boyfriend was the starting quarterback, and you were so obsessed with status you were willing to cheat on him as soon as he was injured and lost his starting job.
Wait a minute—no, we don't get it. Screw you, Darcy Sears!
Listen, I watched the entirety of Survivor's second season because of Hasselbeck. And no, I'm not proud of that fact.
But, then she started doing The View, and now I pray every day that she never joins husband Tim Hasselbeck on a "Bring your famous wife to work day" segment on ESPN.
I would swear my allegiance to Versus, or NBC Sports Network, or Comcast's Happy Sports Network or whatever the hell it is.
Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images
This constant reminder that the Spice Girls in fact existed constantly shakes my belief that humanity is generally good.
Helen "Mama" Boucher
Mama Boucher almost kept one of the most devastating—albeit insane—tacklers in (fake) college football history from playing "foosball."
And that, my friends, is the devil.
Hooray, our first dated joke! Let's all laugh five years ago together!
If you weren't in Philly during the McNabb tenure, you might not realize how, well, annoying his mother could be. So take it from me—her banishment is for the best.
Philly doesn't forget, Wilma.
Or Ray Finkle. Get rid of them both!
And take Captain Winkie with you.
Listen, I don't really have anything against Kristin Cavallari, and I've long thought the Jay Cutler hate was stupid and ill-founded. That being said, it's hard to imagine a couple that many people find easier to despise than these two.
So at (what I would imagine is) the public's behest, I yell, with torch blazing and the angry mob nipping at my heels, "Be gone, Kristin Cavallari—you are no Gisele, and Jay is no Tom!"
Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images
This Baskett catch may or may not be a Baskett case, though if she is wise, she won't put all of her eggs in one Baskett.
I can't tell if sports fans know who Kendra Wilkinson is because she married Hank Baskett, or if sports fans know who Hank Baskett is because he married Kendra Wilkinson.
Anyone That Appears on "Basketball Wives"
We don't care, ladies. Honestly, we don't.
Can't we just mush all of the "Wives" shows together and make a show called, "Super-Narcissistic Wives?"
Yeah, let's do that.
Anyone That Appears on "Baseball Wives"
This goes for you, too, Anna Benson, even if your time in the spotlight was sort of hilarious.
Besides, if I want to watch a bunch of baseball-related divas complain about things, I'll just put on an Alex Rodriguez highlight film. Thank you very much.
Listen, we get it. Your husband wasn't the smooth, French point guard you lusted after, so you started sexting said point guard on the sly.
Wait a minute—no, we don't get it. Brent Barry may not be Tony Parker, but that doesn't mean you should go texting another man. Especially if that man is Barry's former teammate and friend, and you ruin his marriage to Eva Longoria.
Boo this woman! And boo Tony Parker!
Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images
If we could dethrone the First Family of WAGdom, I would be okay with that.
I wonder what Khloe will think about Dallas.
Kim Kardashian is like the Internet's version of Arjen Rudd from Lethal Weapon II—she has diplomatic immunity.
You see, she is safely harbored within the confines of SEO, or search engine optimization. So long as people continue to "report" on WAGs in sports, Kardashian's name and likeness will be evoked, and pageviews will be had by all. To beat Kardashian, we have to beat the system itself.
Who among us will stand in defiance of Kardashian? Who will take the road less searched? Where are you when we need you most, Roger Murtagh?