New Year's Sports Resolutions You'll See in 2009
The New Year is right around the corner, and there's no telling what will happen in the world of sports in 2009.
Nobody could have predicted the Brett Favre saga of this summer, or that Stephon Marbury would be at the Knicks-Lakers game in courtside seats that he bought with his own money. However, here are some New Year's resolutions and promises that the sports world can probably count on in the new year.
I Resolve to Retire...Finally
Dear football fans,
My New Year's resolution is to (finally) retire from the game of football. After postponing what could have been a glorious retirement one year ago, I pulled an Emmitt Smith. I committed a Michael Jordan. Now that you’ve seen me play poorly in a jersey foreign to my illustrious career, I resolve to hang up the spikes for good...probably.
I Resolve to Do the Impossible...Again
To my peers in the NBA,
Once again, I am going to win the NBA Championship. I don’t care that James Posey is playing with Chris Paul. I couldn't care less that the Lakers snapped our 19-game winning streak on Christmas. In case you haven’t noticed, my Celtics probably will have homecourt advantage through the Finals again. That means game, set, and match. I once again resolve to show you that anything is possible.
I Resolve to Buy a Championship
Dearest Bud Selig,
We don’t care how much your wimpy luxury tax costs us. Our organization is resolved to buying a championship in 2009. Forget these cute stories about the Rays and Marlins having success with a low budget. In this new year, the Evil Empire will reign as champion again, and it will be because we bought it.
The New York Yankees
I Resolve to do Nothing...and Get Paid for It!
My New Year's Resolution? Hell, I’m gonna do the same thing I did in 2008! Which is absolutely nothing! If you got paid over $20 million a year to ride the pine, why would you change that? I resolve to do the same thing I did the first half of this season. I’ll sit at home or on the bench, collect my massive contract, and promote my Starbury stuff.
Suck on that, Quentin Richardson!
I Resolve to Never Do That Again...
To the Fans,
I am sorry for the way I have run your franchises into the ground. I understand that I have no place coaching a pro franchise, and resolve to never, EVER, do so again, under any circumstances. Maybe I’ll sign on as a coordinator, or take the top gig at some puny mid-major university, or move to the broadcasting booth. But never again will I taint a franchise with my presence as a head coach.
Scott Linehan, Barry Melrose, PJ Carlesimo, Willie Randolph
I Resolve to Never Leave the House Again
Thanks for the help! Once again, I screwed up this year. But hey, I'm still playing football! For some weird reason, you've given me a chance to play, and even after I was suspended by that crazy commissioner of ours, hey, you stuck by me even then! I resolve to not do ANYTHING in 2009! I'll never leave the house! I realize my playing career depends on it.
Adam "Pac-Man" Jones
I Resolve to Know What I'm Getting Into!
I know I screwed up. I led our school's beloved team to its worst season in recent memory, maybe ever. I chased away what little talent Lloyd Carr left for me, and I even told our frustrated fans, who are some of the best in the world, to "get a life," admitting that I didn't know what I was getting into when I took the job at Michigan.
But I resolve to improve on all of that in 2009! We'll win some games, and I'll be a more intelligent coach. At least it can't get any worse...
All the best,