Let’s get into the giving mood: What presents would you give members of the Milwaukee Brewers?
First of all, Santa Bryan wants to thank the entire team for getting to the playoffs and the entire city of Milwaukee for getting behind them.
Now the real presents:
For Yovani Gallardo, I would give a coat of armor for those run-ins with Prince Fielder.
For Corey Hart, I would give him a doctor’s check up. If he thought the fans weren’t behind him last year, he obviously needs his eyes, ears, and heart checked out.
For Dale Sveum, I would give him his kick ass 80’s 'stache again and a thank you card for not letting the team completely implode.
For Mike Cameron, I would give a calendar in which every month is August.
For David Riske who is missing his friend in C.C. Sabathia, I would give a Snuggie (It’s a blanket with arm holes and pockets!!! Holy Crap!!!! It’s like a bathrobe in reverse!!!!! I’m running out of exclamation points to talk about this life altering product.)
For Jason Kendall, I would give overtime pay.
For Mike Rivera, I would give a warming massage chair…I mean the guy sits there all the time, might as well be relaxed.
For Seth McClung, I would give another beer to shotgun.
Bill Castro already received his Christmas gift.
For Chris Capuano, I would give tape of the first half of the 2006 season.
To Salomon Torres, a retirement gift, a Shamwow for all the messes he mopped up and for some he created.
For J.J. Hardy and Prince Fielder, I would offer just a sincere request to look into a long term deal. I know it won’t happen, but it is the season for giving…
Ho ho ho! I would give Doug Melvin a loophole that let’s him burn up Jeff Suppan’s contract. And I’d give CC Sabathia a higher rank than Mark Teixeira in the Elias Rankings!
For Bill Hall, a pink bat to use every game of the year.
For Mike Rivera, a plate appearance. He never gets these any more!
For Ken Macha, a suitable platoon partner for Hall.
For Rickie Weeks, an outfielder’s glove. Because you just never know.
For Jeff Suppan, a lump of coal. Grr!
When Bryan e-mailed us the topic for this week, my first thought was, “These dudes are rich. What do they need?” I soon realized that is not the attitude to have. Professional athletes are people too. They have feelings, and even though they can pretty much buy themselves anything they want, they probably still like receiving gifts. With that said, this is a list of what I would give Brewers players for Christmas:
Rickie Weeks: I would hook Rickie up phatty with his favorite bat from college. I would couple this with a new MLB rule that allows only Rickie Weeks to use aluminum bats. Also, there would be a new rule (also in place only for Rickie) that disallows pitchers to throw him any off-speed pitches. Nice.
JJ Hardy: Hardy’s an all-star, millionaire, and a sexy stud. What does he need? I’d get him the same thing I get everyone else that I don’t know what to buy. A Target Gift Card.
Ryan Braun: I’d provide Ryan with an endless amount of young, gorgeous virgins!
Prince Fielder: Boxing gloves and a sweet new butterfly tattoo for the other side of his neck. B.A.
Corey Hart: I’d give Corey Hart an ITunes Gift Card. That way maybe he’d broaden his musical horizons and spare us all of that horrible fricking AB song.
Mike Cameron: I’d just give Mike a hug. What a good guy.
Bill Hall: An “I Love Mom” coffee mug.
Jason Kendall: I’d resort to the good ol’ coupon book Christmas gift. Included would be a “free off day” coupon, “free beard trim” coupon, and a coupon for a free game of bowling. Good anywhere.
Yovani Gallardo: The realization that he shouldn’t play in the World Baseball Classic.
David Bush: A puppy. British Bulldog to be exact.
Jeff Suppan: I wouldn’t give Jeff anything. Take that back. On behalf of the Brewers, I’d issue him a bill for $8.25 million. Due immediately.
Manny Parra: Attitude.
That’s all I can afford. Hopefully the other guys would get the rest of the players and the coaches something.