IMPACT 12/1: Bikini Carwash, Title Match, Hardy Main Events, Roode (Humor)

Charlie GSenior Writer IDecember 2, 2011


So this is the first episode of IMPACT for December 2011. Yep, it'll be 2012 before you know it.

Wow. What an awkward intro. Can we just get started?

Opening Segment

The General Manager, Sting comes out. 

Sting says the inmates are trying to run the asylum here in TNA. I'm not sure if that's a Batman: Arkham Asylum reference since we did see Mr. Anderson playing Madden '12 a few weeks ago, but it sounds cool.

Sting is the warden and is going to lay down the law! He calls out Bobby Roode for his attacks on Jeff Hardy and AJ Styles last week.

Roode comes out and is proud of laying both guys out. He thought it was a cool way to end IMPACT and thinks Sting is going to thank him for it.

Instead, Sting brings out AJ Styles and Jeff Hardy to book a three way main event tonight. Roode and Sting are not friends anymore.

Car Wash Time

A clip is shown from earlier today in the IMPACT Zone parking lot.

Angelina Love, Madison Rayne, Brooke Tessmacher, Velvet Sky, Tara and Winter are all in robes as Karen yells at them. Karen didn't like how they ignored her "Thong Thunder" stipulation last week and forces the Knockouts to wash every wrestler's car.

Karen walks off with Gail and Traci.

Madison throws her robe off and holy Prince Justice Brotherhood does she look hot! She says she knows she just set the bar really high but tells the other women to get scrubbing.

I wish I was at that car wash.

Best Commercial EVER

I just thought this was definitely worth the article space. This commercial is awesome.

It shows Robbie E and Bobby Roode playing Xbox 360. Robbie says that Roode fights dirty in the ring and in the game (My dude). Roode makes fun of Robbie's blow-out (hair style) and Abyss shows up and others both guys a massage in his shattered glass.

Roode looks shocked and Robbie has the greatest facial expression on the planet.

It really is the greatest commercial in the history of television. I was, however, expecting another IMPACT Wrestling video game! I'm upset it wasn't....

This commercial aired a lot and it's easy to see why. It's AWESOME!

Face Time with Jeff Hardy

The cameraman/interview guy asks Hardy about tonight.

Hardy plans on teaming with AJ and beating down Roode. Come on, camera guy. It's obvious.

Jeff Jarrett comes and is pissed that Hardy 1.) still has a job and 2.) Is main eventing IMPACT. 

I agree with Jarrett.

The two brawl backstage. No security, they're most likely watching the Knockouts wash cars. Who isn't watching the Knockouts wash cars, actually?

No Power, No Office

Eric Bischoff is seen standing in the darkest part of the darkest corner of the darkest room in the IMPACT Zone. 

Bully Ray walks up and the two talk. 

Bischoff has no office because he has no power and is now tossed into the darkest place in the IMPACT Zone for his own safety. It's a dog-eat-dog world in the IMPACT Zone. Bischoff is passing off the vibe that he's the newest and smallest guy in a prison and he's asking Bully Ray to help him not become someone's b****.

Bischoff asks Bully to try to re-recruit Abyss into Immortal. Bully says he and Steiner will do it.

Knockouts Car Wash! Come one, come all

The Knockouts are all looking very good in their bikinis and washing away as Madison Rayne somewhat manages/bosses them around.

Karen comes and is yelling at them.

ODB walks by and calls the Knockouts car wash cute. Karen gives ODB a match against Mickie James. A street fight and if ODB wins, she'll be the new No. 1 contender.

ODB says it's about damn time.

No. 1 Contender Match

Ink Inc vs. Mexican America vs. Pope & Devon

Here's my pre-match breakdown.

Why give Ink Inc a title shot when Jesse Neal is so pissed off and thinking of leaving TNA? Mexican America sucks, so Pope and Devon will win.

Pope and Devon are the most popular team, that's for sure. They were also the most dominant tag team as well.

Pope tossed around every guy in the match and looked strong.

Devon was kicking ass and waiting for Hernandez to get up. He turns around to see Jesse Neal charging at him for a spear but Devon pulls a juke move and Neal knocks out Hernandez.

Neal turns toward Devon and gets laid out with a spine buster.

Winners: No. 1 Contenders, The Pope and Devon

Pope and Devon were the right team to win. Just look at my pre-match breakdown, it makes sense. Pope and Devon can be a good team if they stop this whole thing involving Devon's kids.

The match was alright with Pope and Devon doing most of the heavy lifting.

The 'A Double' Division?

X Division Champion, Austin Aries hits the ring.

Aries says that he exceeded his own expectation. He revived the X Division and gave it a new life in the form of "A Double."

Aries says he's beaten everyone there is.

Not counting Zema Ion, Tony Nese, Mark Haskins, Alex Shelley, Chris Sabin, Kazarian and Shannon Moore, then yes. You beat everyone. Everyone being Brian Kendrick, Jesse Sorensen and Kid Kash, correct?

Some music hits and John Morrison comes out! No, he doesn't Gotchya! Why would you honestly fall for that? He just finished up with WWE this past Monday and IMPACT, I'm pretty sure, was pre-taped before Raw even happened. Silly. So silly of anyone to believe me.

Kid Kash comes out.

Kash says Aries screwed him over at Turning Point. Aries says no, they just stuck to the plan. Aries makes fun of Kash for not being a champion and Kash fires back. Aries gets mad and offers a match. They shake hands but at the same time, punch each other in the face. Aries leaves the ring.

A Game of Search and Destroy for Gunner

Now that is an intentional video game reference, Sting. 

What video game has a game type called, "Search and Destroy?" Whoever leaves a comment with the right answer gets to click on the 'Props' button to this article for free!

Gunner was at a gym earlier. He was searching for Garrett Bischoff.


Back from commercial, Gunner is asking around for Garrett. He starts bullying everyone and pushing them around. Nobody tells him a thing about Garrett so...Gunner kicks everyone's ass! He destroys a gym full of guys! Hardcore bad ass!

He tells a chubby guy to tell Garrett that Gunner is coming for him.

Jarrett Wants Hardy Gone

Jeff Jarrett goes up to the GM Sting and gets in his head a little bit about Jeff Hardy. Jarrett mentions how Sting must've felt during that match at Victory Road.

Jarrett wants Jeff Hardy out of IMPACT Wrestling.

Sting says it's interesting but tells Jarrett that if he gets involved in the main event, there's going to be consequences. 

Car Wash Part III

Some more footage of those Knockouts in their bikinis cleaning cars.


Thinking Time with Bully Ray and Scott Steiner

Bully asks Steiner how to get Abyss back in Immortal.

Steiner says women. Okay, he actually calls them freaks. Bully Ray is feeling that too and both guys give a quick run down on which of their freaks can bribe Abyss.

Steiner goes into a rant and Bully yells for him to speak English. Some subtitles for Steiner would be perfect.

Street Fight

Mickie James vs. ODB

If ODB wins, she takes Mickie's match at Final Resolution. If Mickie wins, nothing really happens. Just mark up another 'W' in the win column.

The action spills out onto the ring floor and soon enough, backstage! There's use of weapons such as chairs, trash cans, trash can lids, broom sticks and more.

The action eventually returns to the ring and ODB has a chair. She swings for the fences but Mickie ducks then kicks the chair in her face to win.

Winner: Mickie James

Good match. I really enjoyed it. ODB can definitely work a match but I still don't see why she is barely used on TV.

Mickie shown off the hardcore side of "Hardcore Country" in this match. I liked the Knockouts action here.

James Storm 'Brings it' via Satellite

Bringing it via satellite seems to be a big thing in 2011.

Tenay and Taz ask Storm questions while he's home and busy being injured.

Storm doesn't know when he'll be cleared to compete but he feels better. James wants Kurt Angle when he gets back.

Angle comes to the announcer table and starts yelling at Storm. Storm is real calm and says that he'll get Kurt.

Angle wants a match at Final Resolution, Storm says he'll be back on IMPACT next week and I'm pretty sure he accepted Angle's match.

The Freaks are here

Scott Steiner and/or Bully Ray's freaks have arrived and are looking for wherever Abyss hangs out backstage.

Videos of Bobby Roode's family reacting to his recent heel turn keep running. Everyone in Bobby's family doesn't like him as a heel. I do.

Bobby Roode says he doesn't care what his family thinks of him. He says he pays the bills and puts food on the table.

Television Championship

Rob Van Dam vs. TV Champion, Robbie E w/ Rob Terry

This match happened before and Robbie really jobbed to RVD the first time around. It was a big time squash match.

Not this time! You'd think RVD would be dominant, but no! Robbie E got some good offense in!

Rob Terry was going for an outside attack on RVD but former champ Eric Young ran to the ring. He wore pink underwear and carried a fire extinguisher. Earl Hebner got in between Terry and EY.

In the ring, RVD regained control and hit a Five Star Frog Splash. Out of nowhere, Daniels shown up and hit Angel Wings on RVD and placed Robbie over Van Dam

Winner: Still Champion, Robbie E!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! My dude, Robbie E, is the real deal. He's beaten Eric Young, Devon and now RVD for the TV title. The list continues and it seems to be gaining credibility with every defense.

Pretty good match and I like how the feud between RVD and Daniels is still going. Robbie E will be champ for a long, long time to come!

Walk of Shame!

Steiner's freaks leave Abyss' locker room in a tremendous walk of shame. Hair and clothes all rattled, not knowing what the hell just happened.

Taz asks if that's how Abyss earned his nickname, "The Monster."

Car Wash Ends Early

Angelina Love and Tara are washing the same part of the car and Angelina accidentally gets Tara wet. Tara thinks it was on purpose and throws water back.

Winter comes in to help Angelina but Brooke comes to help Tara. They fight, then Velvet attacks Madison after she keeps yelling at her and it's an all out Knockout Bikini Brawl!

The security guards and wrestlers are all yelling because they want their cars washed! Everyone is going crazy!

Ron Simmons is in the parking lot! Joey Styles starts screaming like a girl! Randy Marsh from South Park was excited! Then Quagmire shows up!

The wrestlers don't know a good show when they see one, they wanted these Knockouts, who are soaking wet and in bikinis, to still wash their damn cars!

Monty Brown wasn't too excited during the Knockouts car wash. He says that's how he always gets his cars cleaned.

Main Event

Jeff Hardy vs. AJ Styles vs. Heavyweight Champion, Bobby Roode

I'm still annoyed at how Hardy is main eventing.

AJ and Jeff start off as friends working over Roode but sure enough, they fight.

AJ was outside the ring and Hardy hit Roode with the Twist of Fate. Hardy set up for a Swanton but Jarrett came from the crowd and pulled him off the rope. Bobby gets the pin after a good main event.

Winner: Heavyweight Champion, Bobby Roode

This match was good. AJ hit his usual springboard, flying forearm. Roode hit his Double R spine buster and a Pay-Off on AJ. Hardy was just there. He shouldn't main event.

After the match, Sting came out to give Jarrett his punishment.

Sting booked a cage match for Final Resolution. Jeff Jarrett vs. Jeff Hardy.

If Jarrett wins, Hardy agreed to leave IMPACT. If Hardy wins, he's new number one contender. Well, that's just f'ing great. Hardy back in the title picture to start off the new year.

Hey Hardy, Stewie Griffin wants to tell you something.


  • Opening Segment between Roode and Sting. Nice mic work from both guys. Imagine a World title feud against each other?
  • Knockouts Car wash! Every Knockout looked hot! Thank you, Karen!
  • VGA commercial was hilarious. Mainly because of Robbie E.
  • Pope and Devon win
  • Knockouts Street Fight. Great hardcore Knockouts action. Too bad Mickie won though. If there were no No. 1 contender spot for ODB, Gail would've easily interfered.
  • Television title match. RVD actually lost to Robbie E! Robbie keeps the title.
  • Main event. Good wrestling by Roode and AJ


  • Bischoff wants Abyss back? Really?
  • Tag match was too one-sided. Too predictable in a sense.
  • Aries, you did not beat everyone. Did Kid Kash turn face?! Kash is natural heel. He seems impossible as a face.
  • Walk of Shame wasn't really needed. More funny than serious.
  • Jeff Hardy wins at Final Resolution, he gets a WORLD TITLE MATCH?! REALLY?!?!?!

I actually really loved this IMPACT.

The tag match was alright but the other three matches were good. RVD actually jobbed to Robbie E and let him win! 

The Knockouts Street Fight and three way main event were really good, too.

Overall, really good IMPACT!


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