Congress To Investigate NFL Jockstrap Scandal
Today, in a surprise move, Congress issued subpoenas to several NFL players who may have been involved in an elaborate jockstrap conspiracy.
According to several reports, as well as sworn testimony by NFL league cheerleaders, at least twenty five NFL players are accused of wearing each other's jocks during regular season and playoff games played between 2001-2006.
Congress is determined to find out the specific performance enhancements gained by sharing another man's jock.
"Jock strap-gate", as some insiders are calling it, is said to have been going on for some time now. Many claim that this practice has been ongoing since as far back as the 70s.
Dannie Stewart, a former cheerleader for the Dallas Cowboys stated that, "for years, that was the only way you knew who was a homosexual in the locker room. I mean, it can get hard to tell who's straight with all of those guys being naked and having such a good time with each other."
Indeed, a true way to out the homosexual in a world of big burly men. But was that all it's about?
Many speculate that there may have actually been a competitive advantage to wearing another man's jock. And that is where Congress comes in.
Senator Arlen Spector believes that it is important to protect the sanctity of the game for the benefit of the fans.
"If fans don't know who's wearing who's jock, then what's next?" he said. "We could have entire football teams wearing the other team's jocks—changing jocks in mid-game to gain a competitive advantage—and that is simply unacceptable. We demand to know who's jock is being worn so that we can be sure that everyone is playing with the equipment that they were intended to have."
Spector stated that he plans on focusing upon "jock-swapping" that occurred specifically during games played against his home state team, the Philadelphia Eagles, but declined to comment on any specific players at this time.
Many in the know have heard of players using performance-enhancing Gold Bond. But these new allegations take that concept to an entirely new level. Even though, it's yet to be proven what benefits a man can gain from rubbing against another man's musk.
Whatever, may come of this audacious speculation, one thing is for sure: You can wear another man's jock, but that doesn't mean you have another man's...
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