Season's Beatings II: 25 Even Worse Gifts to Buy Your Wrestling Fan This Holiday
They said it couldn’t be done. They said you couldn’t possibly follow up last year’s installment with an even worse article. They said there couldn’t possibly be 25 more pieces of awful merchandise that fans across the world would sooner vomit on than purchase.
They were wrong.
As the holiday season roars into full swing and retail chains around the globe sell their product like hotcakes, we can only reflect on the salivating glory of professional wrestling merchandise. From super fans to super geeks, the world of wrestling merchandise can be truly glorious…and truly hideous. One year ago, I published an article chronicling the 25 worst presents you could get for your wrestling fan over the holidays.
Now I’m back to do it all over again, with 25 new items that you can actually purchase, complete with photos, links, and my personal favorite: The Buyer’s Remorse. Sadly, the obvious choice for number one, that being the Sin Cara Boner T-Shirt, was pulled from production too quickly to make the list.
So with all that behind us, let us look at our new list of items, complete with the links to make each one yours!
25. Sheamus Great White Women's T-Shirt
Description: The newest Sheamus T-Shirt with the latter-day Celtic Warrior nickname, fitted for women.
Buy Me: At WWEShop.com, this motivated seller has only a few sizes left as of press time for $24.99.
Buyer's Remorse: Listen here, fella. I'm as big a Sheamus fan as the next guy and I'm sure there's thousands of women who will represent his merchandise as some sort of amalgamated repression for the big man. But this shirt is just too weird, and more importantly, misleading to really be good.
Any number of angles and takes after looking at this piece will leave you astounded. Is Great White some kind of cult? A statement of raw White Supremacy? Is the woman wearing it letting you know she's a whale?
I'm not going to comment further on the relationship of obesity and wrestling fans, but let me tell you that printing the words "GREAT WHITE" on a t-shirt designed to celebrate a wrestler can only lead to a positive correlation on the line graph of lethargy and girth.
24. WWE Boy's Fleece Bathrobe
Description: A fleece, knit bathrobe with WWE logo on the back and superstars like John Cena on the front. Designed for children and Hornswoggle.
Buyer's Remorse: Some time ago I was actually the owner of fine World Wrestling Federation kids robes. I had Hulk Hogan and the Ultimate Warrior and often wore them even without the necessity of a bath. But I also recall attempting to put on those robes again at age 12. And then finally watching as 15-year-old me ripped what little elastic they had left when he attempted to recapture the glory.
I have no doubts that fans across the globe will do the very same thing with this item. In a way, it would be a magnificently educational tool about the wrestling world, but in another more disturbing way, you'd be re-enacting the career of Greg Valentine as you struggle to fit into the robe altogether in your remaining years.
23. Autographed Ric Flair Robe
Description: An actual, possibly ring-worn robe from the Nature Boy himself, dated back during his first World Wrestling Federation stint.
Buy Me: The budget-conscious folks at SportsMemorabilia.com have this one priced at $562.49. A real bargain!
Buyer's Remorse: Eventually, you'll outgrow that kids robe and have the desire to really strut your stuff. Why not do it with a little styling and profiling?
I'm not going to sugarcoat this one: Owning your own Ric Flair robe is like owning a piece of the Berlin Wall. Yes it is a historic and glorious piece of history, but much like Flair's career, it went on for so long that there were simply too many pieces to have a market value.
So if you're not simply putting it on display in your man cave, then you could always take it on an airplane with you, discreetly changing in the bathroom and harassing the nearest female flight attendant. WOO!!!
22. John Morrison "JoMoSapiens" T-Shirt
Description: The latest (and likely last) John Morrison T-shirt with slogans nobody has ever heard JoMo utter on TV.
Buy Me: Another WWEShop.com gem, this one is currently $24.99 regularly and $27.99 for 3XL, though I have a feeling it'll be on clearance by the end of this sentence.
Buyer's Remorse: Oh, boy! A John Morrison product! Where to start?
Well, just like any other thing I write about this guy, allow me to preface this by saying that all those wearing a "JoMoSapiens" T-Shirt leave themselves open for ridicule since they endorse a superstar who will never win a World Championship (and no, ECW and TNA straps don't count). Though Morrison isn't featured prominently on the shirt, a trio of chimps more than make up for his absence.
Come to think of it, a trio of chimps likely wrote the last two years of stories Morrison participated in on RAW. And a trio of chimps are likely the act that will replace him now that he's jumping ship. Who would have thought that THIS GUY would be the Marty Jannetty of his tandem, not once, but TWICE?
Perhaps the greatest part of this design is the back, wherein Morrison's shirt delivers the "We're Gonna Eat Your Lunch." Ironic, since that's pretty much what Batista did with Melina for the better part of five years.
21. Six Random TNA Action Figures
Description: A grab bag of six TNA Action Figures from JAKKS Pacific, randomly assorted for your fantasy needs. You are guaranteed that one of the six will be either Sting or Hulk Hogan.
Buy Me: Over at ShopTNA.com, this pack is marked down to $31.18, or the value of about $5 a figure.
Buyer's Remorse: Back when JAKKS Pacific overproduced WWE action figures, they simply had stores like Toys R Us and Walmart blowout their stock of toys that simply weren't selling. But the TNA market is much smaller and even less in demand, so we have to rely on the crazy ramblings of Don West to sell us such an "amazing" (and I use that word loosely) deal. West's quotes were easily the highlight of last year, and this year, he's outdone himself:
"No, are you kidding? That deal's illegal in 47 states!" -Don West
To be honest, the idea of six "random" figures intrigues me to no end. If I am promised either one Sting or Hulk Hogan, I'd have to choose the Hulkster and then pray for the other five pieces to all be Kevin Nash. That way, I can reenact the Finger Poke of Doom with a bonus domino effect.
Just as an aside, towards the end of the video West attempts to sell the infamous ShopTNA "Brown Bag Special" as well. I would be ashamed if I didn't include this nugget of joy:
"You get the beautiful autographed Don West bag, which of course is worth nothing..." -Don West
20. Terry Taylor: Behind the Curtain DVD
Description: A shoot-style interview with Terry Taylor discussing his time spent as a booker and agent for various promotions.
Buy Me: Over at the wonderful website HighSpots.com, Taylor's DVD is just one of a plethora of shoots available for $14.99.
Buyer's Remorse: For the purists out there, the name Terry Taylor brings back many, many memories. Long-time fans will remember Taylor's emergence into the mainstream wrestling programs of the time as The Red Rooster. After portraying a near career-killing character, Taylor would attempt to be himself and found even worse results globally.
Eventually, Taylor settled into a role as a road agent and writer for various promotions, which is what this DVD chronicles. Never mind the fact that the only interesting part of his career was his time as the Rooster, we're sure you'd much rather hear Taylor talk about his post-Rooster days working for the sinking WCW ship, or better yet the fledgling TNA promotion.
And, in fact, that's all he does for two hours. TWO Hours.
TWO hours of Terry Taylor talking about himself as everything EXCEPT the Red Rooster. Gag me.
19. JR's Ultimate BBQ Package
Description: A gift box of the entire Jim Ross foods line, including Chipotle Ketchup, Main Event Mustard, Seasonings, various beef jerky varieties, an autographed photo, and of course, barbeque sauce.
Buy Me: WWEShop wants you to skip buying each piece individually, picking up the set for $56.99.
Buyer's Remorse: WWE has the balls to tell you that this gift box with Jim Ross' face on it is worth over 50 dollars. This gift box, which is strikingly similar to any $20 set available at your local mall or, gasp, Big Lots. Sure, the novelty of Jim Ross products and Jim Ross' likeness on everything in the kitchen sounds nifty, but it loses much of its appeal if you're going past the WWE's ill-fated cookbooks (of which I own two).
Perhaps more notable are the names of each individual property in this set. The jerky names range from Pepper Power Slam (where, after eating, you immediately turn into Randy Orton and call Kofi Kingston "stupid") to Triple Threat Teriyaki (Shane Douglas not included).
And I'm dying to know what precisely makes it "Main Event" Mustard. I can only assume it was mustard hand selected by Triple H to go on every hot dog and hamburger at Titan Towers.
In the end, at least this all probably tastes good enough for WWE not to completely tamper with our food.
18. WWE Pizza Prints
Description: Edible prints designed to be applied to fully cooked pizza for celebrations and WWE themed parties.
Buy Me: WWEShop's party section offers a single print for $5.99.
Buyer's Remorse: Perhaps I spoke too soon. Like most red-blooded American males (not including Marcus Alexander Bagwell), I've eaten my fair share of pizza. I've eaten so much pizza I'm part Ninja Turtle.
I know fair well that there are few pizza toppings that can ruin an entire pizza. Hell, pineapple, ranch, and even spinach make it onto pizza these days with little fanfare.
But I will never, repeat, NEVER eat a pizza with Kofi Kingston on it. That's all sorts of weird I can't even describe.
17. Doink the Clown WWE Classic Superstars Action Figure
Description: A Doink the Clown action figure produced as part of JAKKS Pacific now-discontinued Classic Superstars line.
Buy Me: Figure mogul ActionToys is audaciously charging $39.99 for this pseudo-relic.
Buyer's Remorse: Just before Mattel took over the WWE license, JAKKS Pacific had become known for churning out top-notch action figures in their WWE line, and no series provided better evidence than the Classic Superstars line.
A lot of words come to mind when defining wrestling's unlovable, competing clown. Classic probably isn't one of them. After all, Doink could have been dynamically forgettable had not it been for the fact that nearly anyone could play the man under the paint. And don't even get me started on the concept of Dink, a little Doink that helped get more fans on the "Fire Doink or Kill Yourself" petition signing committee.
Luckily for us, this Doink encapsulates the career of such a prolific performer with all of his vintage fix-ins. Colorful tie. Blue and yellow star pattern. Signature sledgehammer. Wait...what?
Doink could have been packaged with any multitude of items or gags he used during his tenure, NONE of which are a sledgehammer. A small version of Dink? A fake arm? A remote control banana cream pie?
I'm pretty sure Doink hasn't even made contact with a sledgehammer in a comical, anti-Triple H farce thus far. How did JAKKS miss this one?
16. Kevin Nash Platinum Edition Comic Book
Description: A specially stamped and autographed Kevin Nash comic book (Issue #1) from years ago. Limited to 1,000 copies.
Buy Me: Thanks to the folks at KevinNash.net, you can own it for $99.95. What a bargain!
Buyer's Remorse: I know, I know. I'm hard on Kevin Nash. But it isn't without good reason. I mean, look at the amount of horrible merchandise his face gets slapped on.
Last year, I mentioned a Kevin Nash coin bank/mug that was certifiably terrible. Nash makes his return to the countdown with a ludicrous comic book that had to have been (and was) written by Big Sexy himself. Owners of such a special comic will be lucky to know that this story includes all of the following:
-Nash as a superhero
-Nash as a humanitarian
-Nash as a cyborg (sort of)
-Nash as a sex machine
-Nash not getting injured by simply turning the pages of the comic
I've read comic books where the Ultimate Warrior sodomizes Santa Claus, and yet this finds a way to be infinitely worse.
15. The Reunion Blu-Ray Disc
Description: A slapstick comedy/action picture starring John Cena as a suspended police officer aiding his family of small time criminals on a big time adventure.
Buy Me: Amazon's 27,816th best selling film can move up the charts ever so slightly if you purchase it for only $24.99.
Buyer's Remorse: Let's start by saying that this is the second consecutive year with a John Cena picture on the list, but this one doesn't have the same gusto that Legendary had. Rising from the heartwarming ashes of WWE Films' division of spectacular direct-to-video schlock comes The Reunion, a film so hideous that the company itself failed to promote the damn thing.
In the midst of weeks of commercials for both The Chaperone and Inside Out (both Triple H vehicles; who commissioned that advertising?), The Reunion fell by the wayside as yet another Cena-the-super-human-cop-or-bad-ass-fighting-for-family-and-pride genre definer. If that's a mouthful, just imagine the amount of times you'll get to see all the vintage Cena action you're familiar with in his other big screen outings.
See Cena leap from a burning building in slow motion! See Cena use powerhouse holds and throws that show he has just over five moves in a movie as well! Watch the hilarity of Amy Smart and Michael Rispoli as they realize what little credibility they had has drifted away faster than Cena's adult audience!
With the same amount of spare scratch, you could invest in a new HDMI cable for that Blu-Ray player...so you can strangle yourself to death.
14. Goldberg Stovetop Hat
Description: A 13-inch stove top hat made of felt and jackhammers featuring the likeness of Bill Goldberg.
Buy Me: HighSpots delivers more Lincoln-related hilarity than a Gettysburg parody, selling this piece for $4.99.
Buyer's Remorse: I think it is safe to say that the WWE Year of Goldberg successfully killed any momentum or dominance that the Goldberg character ever had. I think that, but then again, this hat can change my mind in an instance if the king of the undefeated streak were to wear it to the ring.
In a wrestling society where we've struggled through Too Cool and, more distantly, PG-13, this party boy hat is more out of place than Matt Hardy at a 24-Hour Fitness complex. Hell, the craftsmanship alone on this hat leaves those wearing it open for public mockery.
Are you serious, bro? I wouldn't wear this if I won it at a carnival in the "Guess My Weight" competition. And what is with that look on Big Bill's face? Is that the face he made when he saw his residual check from Ready to Rumble? Or is he squeezing out a turd on camera for some Russo-related swerve?
13. Sin Cara Parking Sign
Description: A plastic, novelty parking sign emphasizing the joy of high-flyers with WWE superstar and patella tendon enthusiast Sin Cara.
Buy Me: Proving that they sell more than just phallic t-shirts, this is one of nearly two dozen Sin Cara items on WWEShop.com.
Buyer's Remorse: Sin Cara. The name alone beckons fans to a level of entertainment that will simply go unsatisfied for the next six to nine months. But all that said, we had a lot of Sin Cara merchandise to choose from, and nothing could possibly top this.
Look at the cruel irony of the sign! High-Flyers Only? Sin Cara isn't flying; he's falling with style. Even the image of Cara on the front makes you wonder if you can put the sign up in a public area and have somebody get hurt.
And I dare somebody not named Joey Styles to tell me what the hell a Moonsault Sideslam is. Sure, we may refer to the move as C-4 (and Paul Burchill did it better), but the idea of those two words ever coming together would be like merging Jushin Liger with the Big Boss Man.
12. One-Year Membership to Tatanka's Tribal Club
Description: A one-year membership to the official website of Native American Tatanka, including personal messages and matches featuring the one and only Chris Chavis!
Buy Me: Tatanka's official website, the aforementioned NativeTatanka.com is selling any number of special Tatanka things. This one is $30.
Buyer's Remorse: I mean...for the love of God...it's Tatanka!
Go ahead and sell me a bill of goods about the great matches he had in his career and the wonderful feuds you remember. He's still Tatanka...and he's charging 30 bucks to enjoy him for an entire year!
I really thought this one was a rib, made worse by the fact that the preview match on this account was his Monday Night RAW affair against Damian Demento. Among the list of items you'll receive in this membership (which in fairness, is plentiful), are personal and daily fitness tips from the man himself.
Perhaps these tips come from his 2006 comeback tour, when Tatanka didn't just mean buffalo; rather, he ate the buffalo as well.
11. Scott Steiner's Freak Show Workout DVD
Description: Learn how to become as in-shape and tactful as the Big Bad Booty Daddy with this workout video, hosted by Scott Steiner himself.
Buy Me: The misleadingly-named BootyDaddy.com is selling copies of this ultimate workout for only $19.95.
Buyer's Remorse: Learn to control the landscape. Learn how to wrestle a lot of countries. Learn how to insert the word "HEH" into your daily repertoire of intimidation.
It's all here, and Big Poppa Pump himself is going to give you the greatest workout of your life so you too can have a stretched out stomach and look consistently bloated even on your worst days. Are those tires he's dead-lifting on the DVD sleeve? Oh my God, they are. Even his DVD artwork will gain a cult following.
I can only hope that you'll order one of these and attempt to get Scotty to sign it, only to have him flip you off and do 10 pushups on the disc while he's short of breath.
I will guarantee that this DVD sells 300 more copies just from its mention here, and I'll go as far as to say that it would sell 3,000 more copies if it came with your very own chain metal hat or aluminum foil replica.
10. APA Always Pounding T-Shirt
Description: Distributed in the early part of the Millennium, this APA shirt advertises a different acronym meeting for a fictional bar and grill.
Buy Me: We haven't taken much from eBay this year, so we might as well start here for $16.99.
Buyer's Remorse: Always Pounding Ass. Never have three words been more terribly misconstrued than they would be if you wore this. The Acolyte Protection Agency was undoubtedly one of the coolest parts of the World Wrestling Federation in the late-90's and early-00's, but not everything they touched had that King Midas effect.
Always Pounding Ass. How EXACTLY are we supposed to take that? When a burly, six-foot-six-inch bearded beast sits behind you at the next RAW Supershow sporting this t-shirt, you may want to resist the urge to laugh aloud since he'll be eyeballing more than you can conceive just 18 inches back.
Always Pounding Ass. Well, at least the Federation was trying to appeal to more than just the Rock-N-Jock part of the Attitude Era. If only it had been released when the Billy & Chuck era started.
9. Eric Bischoff Signed NWO Wrestling Trunks
Description: A pair of black wrestling trunks with the NWO logo stamped across the back, signed exclusively by NWO-chief Eric Bischoff.
Buy Me: Sports Memorabilia continues to amaze with this confounding $54.00 item.
Buyer's Remorse: The monotony and stupidity of these items can only get worse now that we've cracked the top ten. Proudly and disgracefully, I present a pair of New World Order undies that may or may not have been worn as actual wrestling tights by Eric Bischoff.
Reminder: Eric Bischoff is not a wrestler. Yes, he has wrestled, but so has former WCW World Heavyweight Champion David Arquette. And so has Floyd Mayweather. And Nathan Jones. But all those atrocities aside, none of them are quite the caliber of competitor that Bischoff is, who had his most memorable feud with a television screen and a ratings war against Vince McMahon.
Had Bischoff EVEN ONCE donned these beauties, WCW would certainly have had no trouble putting some butts in the seats. This even comes with a photo of Bischoff signing the underwear himself, likely wearing the "I wore these once to seduce my wife" grin.
Hell, if I had a wife who looked like his, I'd be confident enough to wear them around, too.
8. Boogeyman Necklace
Description: Modeled after the same necklace he wore in the ring, this plastic Boogeyman necklace is shaped like a human heart. And that's not creepy at all.
Buy Me: Only $9.99? What a deal!
Buyer's Remorse: To quote Mick Foley: "What you are about to see is truly hideous." The Boogeyman necklace didn't do much in its original release, likely because nobody wants to look like Mola Ram.
I want you to buy this and wear it to your next social function. Do you see those adoring looks? No? That's because you're wearing a freaking heart around your neck. A heart that kind of looks like a brain, but a heart nonetheless.
This terrible pink blob might as well be a chewed up piece of gum on a black string. And you're wearing it? Why not go all-out and chew someone's mole off their face or smash every clock you see over your head. Now faster path to maladjustment than with a Boogeyman necklace!
7. Jeff Hardy Wall Art
Description: Molded from the face of the Charismatic Enigma, this item will go perfectly next to last year's Sting Mask.
Buy Me: Available for $23.74, this piece is going fast from ShopTNA.
Buyer's Remorse: Last year, we brought you the horrifying and ill-advised Sting Wall Art that was saved only by a Don West pitch reel that had Billy Mays rolling in his grave. This year's Jeff Hardy Mask? This mask is more macabre than a Saw film.
Though we don't have an accompanying West-reel, we have been rewarded with few customer reviews that, themselves, more than makeup for the lack of video:
"Just what I need to scare my children! Thanks TNA!"-CK (Sco)
This would be the exact sentiment I think they're going for. Unfortunately, this comment is buried just underneath a Rebecca Black parody which made it through the review filter. The Web moderators at TNA care less than Joey Styles.
"I'm not a Jeff Hardy fan at all, but I do like this. Would defiantly be a cool piece for any bachelor pad."-Wyll (Louisiana)
While I'm pretty sure Wyll meant to write "definitely" instead of defiantly, I'd have to agree. It would be a defiant statement for a bachelor pad. A statement of a serial killer lurking out there.
"This really brought the room together. It's the perfect centerpiece for my mantle, just above my fireplace. Hoping to see more of these in different designs and hues." -Paul L. (Connecticut)
6. Triple H Gnome
Description: A lawn gnome modeled after Triple H. I think.
Buy Me: A vast variety of gnomes are available at WWEShop for $29.99 each.
Buyer's Remorse: If you've got a hankering for spicing up the garden with a plethora of professional wrestlers, then I have quite the treat for you. Yes, somewhere in WWE's lexicon of merchandise and marketing comes a line of over a half dozen lawn gnomes for display.
Artistic integrity aside, stars from C.M. Punk to John Cena to the apropos Hornswoggle are available, yet it is the Triple H design that has us truly baffled. Here you'll see the King of Kings of Gnomes meandering in your garden with his trademark Thor Hammer and Hershey Kisses hat.
Neither may be designed to look that way, but in that same line of thinking, this isn't designed to look like Triple H, either. In fact, this design looks more like a villain from the Garfield & Friends television show than it does the Cerebral Assassin.
And instead of getting disguises, surprises, or pies of all sizes, you're stuck with a $30 paperweight that the neighborhood hooligans feel is the perfectly punted projectile.
5. Forgiven by Vince Russo
Description: From the author of Rope Opera: How WCW Killed Vince Russo, comes a self-reflective biography starring everyone's favorite wrestling scriptwriter.
Buy Me: Barnes and Noble's cheapest new copy comes to us for only $12.66, though used copies are as low as $1.99, or the value of a TNA ticket.
Buyer's Remorse: Vince Russo's Forgiven: One Man's Journey from Self-Glorification to Sanctification (or just Forgiven, to save us a lot of time and energy) isn't a bad book because it is badly written. Nor is it a horrible story. No, Forgiven is bad simply because of the name on the front, and that's what you'll have to remember when reading it.
Direct from the not-so-best-selling author's mouth himself, Russo details his own personal trials and tribulations in this book written solely about his new life as a born-again righteous man. Despite the open advertisements on the FRONT OF THE BOOK for Russo's life in the professional wrestling world, this one isn't about any of that.
Instead, Russo drones on and on about his new life in a way that has not only been done before, but at least twice and in more interesting ways by Superstar Billy Graham and Shawn Michaels in their books. Hell, even Dustin Rhodes' brief biography had a better document of life post-Satan than Russo's ever could.
I'm all for religious enlightenment, but Russo is way, way off here. Russo's greatest twist is that this book doesn't end with some kind of swerve where he implies God's treatment of Jobe was a worked shoot the whole time.
And if purchasing a book by a wrestling writer that isn't written about wrestling isn't promising enough, the foreword is written by Ed Ferrara. You know, Oklahoma.
4. Backdoor to Chyna DVD
Description: A "sequel" to the critically not-reviewed film One Night in Chyna, Joanie Laurer makes her official return/debut in the adult film industry.
Buy Me: In the interest of keeping this article hosted on ANY website, allow me to just say that you can find this gem on adult film websites for about $34.99. And no, you won't be getting a link.
Buyer's Remorse: To say that the saga of the Ninth Wonder of the World has been a strange, bittersweet one would be something of an understatement. But, in the same sentiment, to say she isn't trying to put herself back together would be a foolhardy assumption.
After all, Chyna's going back to one of the few things that made her such a notorious star in the world today. No, not wrestling, despite the fact that WWE would probably give her a job (and still may) within six months for a quick feud with Beth Phoenix. She's going back to the world of pornography, but this time, she can't say it'll be like a "rape video."
I don't feel any need to tell you why you should purchase this. What is your tolerance for schlock, smut, and questionable lady parts? Are you prepared for the outcome when the film delivers what the title promises?
To all those out there that feel the need to further investigate this matter, I suggest making a game of it with your friends. Search it on your own time, preferably with Google Image Safe Search changed from "moderate" to "off." First person to appear aroused forfeits their dignity permanently.
3. John Laurinaitis Future Endeavored T-Shirt
Description: The first (and hopefully only) John Laurinaitis shirt in WWE history, complete with the trademarked "Future Endeavored" term on the front.
Buy Me: WWEShop's final entry to the list retails for $24.99.
Buyer's Remorse: To quote John McEnroe: "You cannot be serious!" What possible purpose can you serve in society by wearing this shirt around? Perhaps you and your friends will wear them as some kind of post-modern statement about your feelings on current WWE talents and their handling.
And sure, that can be your intent. But the rest of the world sees you as a smarmy smart mark posing in the authentic wear of someone who isn't a WWE Superstar, isn't well liked, can't speak into a microphone and can't project without it.
You could wear a shirt that said "Absolute Tool" across the front and get the same message across. Buying this is, in fact, more disgraceful than owning either of the Chyna pornos.
2. Jeff Jarrett Laser Engraved Guitar with Autograph
Description: An actual working guitar that has been laser engraved and altered to include the likeness of TNA King of the Mountain, Jeff Jarrett.
Buy Me: This extremely limited (audience) item was $299.99, but Don West is giving it to us for only $99.42!
Buyer's Remorse: According to Don West, there are only two dozen of these guitars for sale. That makes for 24 in total, so I decided to try a little experiment. I put in to order 25 of them, just to see how many TNA would allow me to purchase.
All in totaled, they let me add that many to the cart for a price well over $2000. But think about the possibilities of owning that many personalized Jeff Jarrett guitars. Have him sign each one to a different person, present it to that person, and then, in true Jarrett fashion, smash it over their heads while literally no one applauds. Hours of entertainment!
But wait, there's more! Don West recorded another video for this one, wherein he says the uninterpretable word "buggetnut," and then delivers this testimonial about his musical ability:
"I promised Jimmy Paige I wouldn't do any licks on it, but that's why I'm not going to, other than I can't play." -Don West
In the span of one statement, West takes the focus off of Jarrett, completes a terrible run-on sentence, and cites a conversation with a legendary guitarist he probably hasn't even shared an elevator with, much less a conversation.
As if the value of the item wasn't taken down by all that already, remember, Jarrett still has to autograph it.
1. Weapons of Warrior Wisdom
Description: Photo prints of original, hand-drawn Ultimate Warrior quotations and pictures from the man himself, each signed and designed by Warrior.
Buy Me: Each different drawing is available for $60 on Warrior's Machete, the official Warrior Blog. Framing and Shipping will cost you extra.
Buyer's Remorse: The incomprehensible, often-incoherent and hilarious Ultimate Warrior has provided the wrestling world with so many memories, but in the last decade, none of them have been in the ring. His matches against Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage at consecutive WrestleManias are often overshadowed by destrucity, self-reflection, and "queering don't make the world work."
With Warrior getting his own online reality show where-in he spends every episode dropping Gorilla Press F-Bombs, he's still as topical as ever, right?
That's why these "weapons," as he calls them, are the ideal waste of money. Each comes with some kind of inspiring quote and art done by the Warrior in his free time. And to be honest, it amazes me just how much free time the man has. I mean, he clearly must be musing something deeply insightful, right?
"Safe is the enemy. It is the pillow average and mediocre people cry themselves to sleep on every night." -Warrior
Pillows are the enemy, people, and that's the real takeaway here.
So sleep tight, my friends, knowing that this is the pinnacle of your shopping lust this season. I'll be back next year for 25 more with the hope that Warrior switches to finger paints instead.