Matchmaking: Who the Best Athletes in the World Should Date
It's not easy to make it as a writer. The competition is fierce, the hours are long and there's always someone willing to work harder for less money nipping at your heels.
Clearly that hasn't discouraged me from trying, but it's the reason I have a few contingency plans; just in case. The most realistic and in-demand "Plan B" job that I'm considering is "celebrity matchmaker."
What?! It's a real job, shut up!
Despite having no real experience as a celebrity matchmaker, I'm a very fast learner and have a natural aptitude for creating joy and harmony for those around me. Obviously I'd be a natural.
In order to showcase my abilities, and perhaps land my first celebrity client, I've masterminded romantic matches for 25 of the biggest names in sports.
I'm sure they'll thank me later.
Sam Bradford & Lyndsy Fonseca
Lyndsy Fonseca is an up and coming actress who has appeared in Desperate Housewives, How I Met Your Mother, Nikita and awesome movie Kick-Ass.
Sam Bradford is (hopefully for Rams fans) an up and coming Tom Brady-esque franchise quarterback looking for his Gisele.
Why it would work: They are both 24-years-old and not ridiculously famous (yet). The relationship would be mutually beneficial; Fonseca would get some publicity and Bradford would have a date to the ESPY's!
Why it wouldn't: Actresses can be high maintenance and Bradford seems like a laid back dude who would rather come home and watch a hockey game than head out for a night on the town…he's kind of the antithesis of Hollywood.
Amar'e Stoudemire & Zoe Saldana
Recently un-engaged actress Zoe Saldana spent most of her childhood in Queens, NY, dancing and performing with her theater troupe.
Recently Ciara-free New York Knick Amar'e Stoudemire grew up as a star athlete outside of Orlando, FL.
Why it would work: Saldana and Stoudemire are about philanthropists who are active in charity work. Also Saldana's ex was an actor/entrepreneur who was into fashion and Stoudemire is an athlete/entrepreneur who is into fashion.
Why it wouldn't: Stoudemire is a pretty busy guy with his own record label and two children from a previous girlfriend; Saldana would have a lot to compete with for his attention.
Kelly Brook & Carlos Bocanegra
Kelly Brook is an English actress who you may have seen in the cinematic masterpiece Piranha 3D and a model who you may have seen in Playboy.
Carlos Bocanegra is the captain of the U.S. national men's soccer team who can be seen playing for the Rangers club in the Scottish Premier League.
Why it would work: Brook has a thing for Americans and athletes and Bocanegra, an American athlete, undoubtedly has a thing for beautiful, busty models. They're both 32-years-old, they're both beautiful and they're both living in the U.K.
Why it wouldn't: There's no indication that Bocanegra is looking to settle down and recent events in Brook's life indicate that she is…they could end up having the "I think we just want different things" conversation within months.
C.J. Wilson & Camilla Belle
Free agent pitcher C.J. Wilson and actress Camilla Belle are both SoCal natives; Wilson was born and raised in Newport Beach and Belle in Los Angeles.
Why it would work: Wilson is seriously "Straight Edge," meaning he 'just says no' to booze, illicit drugs and casual sex. Belle had a strict Catholic upbringing and was romantically linked to Joe Jonas, who is (publicly) a pretty wholesome dude; suggesting Belle would be fine with the whole "Straight Edge" thing.
Why it wouldn't: Wilson is also a devoted Taoist; Taoism is an ancient Chinese philosophy that emphasizes compassion, moderation and humility in order to achieve harmony…that doesn't sound too crazy, but Belle might find it too much of a departure from Catholicism.
Cam Newton & Vanessa Hudgens
Considering all their success and all their controversy, it's kind of hard to believe that Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton and actress Vanessa Hudgens are only 22-years-old.
Newton's playing career has been mired by accusations of theft and a pay-for-play scandal during his championship season at Auburn. Hudgens was a Disney princess who starred in the High School Musical movies when two separate nude photo scandals helped shed her "good girl" image.
Why it would work: They both know how to whether a controversy and come out on top. Newton has already ditched his college girlfriend, which means he's looking to trade up; Hudgens is hot, famous, rich and they could have a great time walking red carpets together during the NFL offseason. You know Newton loves all eyes on him.
Why it wouldn't: Well they're only 22! Obviously there's no chance either of them, but particularly Newton, are planning a walk down the aisle…but there's no harm in a little fling.
Dirk Nowitzki & Erin Andrews
Dirk Nowitzki of the NBA Champion Dallas Mavericks is a German wunderkind, as proven by his biography titled: Dirk Nowitzki: German Wunderkind.
ESPN's Erin Andrews is a wunderkind in her own right; since begging her career in 2000, Andrews has become one of the most recognizable faces in the sports media.
Why it would work: The tall, blonde 33-year-olds have a lot in common. They are obviously both into sports, both superstars in their profession, both philanthropists who donate lend their names and their names to charities and both are national treasures in their native lands.
Why it wouldn't: If Nowitzki spends most of his time in Germany, or generally abroad, during the NBA offseason, that could be a major stumbling block. Andrews is a successful and motivated career gal who doesn't have the spare time necessary for monthly jaunts to Europe.
Anya Mozikova & Alexander Ovechkin
Washington Capitals slumping superstar Alexander Ovechkin is the most eligible bachelor in Russia and definitely needs something to help him get his mojo back. Russian born, but American transplant, model/actress Anya Monzikova could very well be that something.
Why it would work: Monzikova was born in Russia, but currently lives and works in Los Angeles; a much more manageable distance for the D.C. based Ovechkin. Plus, Ovi is a tough guy who doesn't mind throwing his weight around and so is Anya! She is currently studying Wushu and taking stunt classes, so she can perform her own stunts in action movies.
Why it wouldn't: Monzikova's acting career is starting to take off; she's recently appeared in Knight Rider, Iron Man 2 and is shooting a comedy pilot. If Ovi, a well-known mama's boy, is looking for a more traditional lifestyle, things could quickly go south.
Reggie Bush & Lilly Robbins
Miami Dolphins halfback Reggie Bush was famously linked with Kim Kardashian and former Miami Dolphins Cheerleader Lilly Robbins was famously featured in Maxim.
Why it would work: They are both conveniently living in Miami; proximity always helps. Plus Robbins still loves cheering for the Dolphins and Bush is still a Dolphin that, presumably, loves to be cheered for. Bush is kind of a flashy guy who needs a flashy broad on his arm; a simple Google image search proves that Robbins has flash and then some.
Why it wouldn't: Kim Kardashian's comically short-lived marriage to Kris Humphries has led to speculation that she might be interesting in reconciling with Bush. Whether or not that's true, the rumors alone could be enough to doom a budding romance.
Dale Earnhardt Jr. & Michelle Beadle
Co-host of ESPN's SportsNation Michelle Beadle and NASCAR legend Dale Earnhardt, Jr. are both successful career-oriented southerners in their late 30's who have no interest in marriage.
Why it would work: They're a couple of ultra-competitive straight-shooters who are known for their sense of humor and overall machismo. Beadle and Earnhardt both need someone who can take a joke and understands that work comes first…this whole thing is written in the stars.
Why it wouldn't: All that machismo in one relationship could make things combustible…although that could make things more fun for these adrenaline junkies.
Stacy Keibler & LeBron James
Miami Heat superstar LeBron James might be looking to unload his high school sweet heart Savannah Brison after rumors of her cheating started circulating in June of 2011.
Former WWE Diva Stacy Keibler, and her legs, became a household name after her third place finish on ABC's Dancing with the Stars, and her romance with movie star George Clooney recently fizzled.
Why it would work: Keibler's background in professional wrestling suggests she has a higher than normal tolerance for over-the-top, unlikable personalities…other than that, I've got nothing but a hunch these two kids would hit it off.
Why it wouldn't: They really don't have much in common besides growing up in a blue-collar towns and tallness.
Grady Sizemore & Olivia Munn
Cleveland Indians outfield Grady Sizemore and actress Olivia Munn have both been featured on the cover of various magazines and can both be found splashed all over the Internet in various states of undress.
Why it would work: Their mixed-race background could be something they could bond over, in addition to their mutual love of being semi-nude whenever possible.
Why it wouldn't: Sizemore was last romantically linked with Playboy model Brittany Binger; suggesting he might prefer a voluptuous girly-girl rather than the sexy tomboy type.
Tim Tebow & Taylor Swift
Famously chaste Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow is allegedly holding out for a wholesome Mrs. Right who will accompany him to church and attend PG-13 movies with him.
Adorable, bordering on angelic, country singer Taylor Swift has been jerked around by Joe Jonas, Taylor Lautner and the truly deplorable John Mayer…she's ready to meet her Tim Tebow.
Why it would work: Well "TayBow" is just too great a celebrity couple nickname not to work! Tim n' Taylor are a wholesome all-American fairytale waiting to happen.
Why it wouldn't: It would work! Don't jinx it...
Rihanna & Blake Griffin
Los Angeles Clippers superstar Blake Griffin was selected as an All-Star and won Rookie of the Year in his first season in the NBA. Sports Illustrated recent named him one of the greatest rookies of all time.
Singer Rihanna has sold more than 20 million albums and 60 million singles; making her one of the best selling artists of all time.
Why it would work: They've both already achieved unimaginable success; not entirely common for 22-year-olds. They're both very active in charities. And Rihanna has said she wants a strong man to wear the pants at home and Griffin seems to fit the bill.
Why it wouldn't: Rihanna is a super-sexual bad girl who makes no secret of her fondness for chains and whips in the bedroom. That isn't everyone's cup of tea.
Ana Ivanovic & Milan Lucic
Ana Ivanovic is a professional tennis player who is currently ranked No. 22 in the world and has won 11 WTA singles titles.
Milan Lucic plays left wing for the Boston Bruins and won a Stanley Cup with the team in just his third season with the team.
Why it would work: Ivanovic and Lucic are both in their early 20's, both professional athletes and both of Serbian descent. That's a pretty sold jumping off point.
Why it wouldn't: The scheduling demands of two professional athletes, particularly when one competes globally, could prove difficult to overcome.
Shantel VanSaten & Joe Mauer
Shantel VanSanten is an actress/model who has appeared in magazines such as Teen Vogue and Seventeen and is currently a series regular on One Tree Hill.
Joe Mauer is an actor/model who has modeled for designer Perry Ellis and has been featured in commercials for Head & Shoulders, Pepsi, ESPN, Fox Sports, PlayStation3 and Gatorade. Oh, and he also plays baseball for the Minnesota Twins.
Why it would work: VanSanten and Mauer are both Minnesota natives who feel most at home in front of a camera.
Why it wouldn't: The egos of two model/actors might be too large to fit under a single roof.
Melanie Iglesias & Mike Wallace
Steelers wide receiver Mike Wallace is an NFL superstar in the making and Melanie Iglesias is a "songrwriter/musician" who won Maxim's 2010 HomeTown Hotties contest. Pretty sure that means "wannabe model trying to land a professional athlete."
Why it would work: Because Melanie would rather have boring sex all the time than an amazing romp once a year because it's most important that her partner is satisfied, even if she's not enjoying it.
Why it wouldn't: Because Melanie enjoys having sex in church, is most comfortable wearing next to nothing and loves to get dirty. Oh wait…that's why it would again.
Pau Gasol & Sarah Harding
The Lakers Pau Gasol is a cultured super-genius who could have just as easily been a doctor or a professor as a basketball player. He's been decried as shy, but still a jokester.
Sarah Harding is an English an actress/model/singer/songwriter who is best known for being a member of the pop group Girls Aloud. She's a well-known party girl who knows how to kick-it like a rockstar.
Why it would work: They're both recently single. Harding could be the unpredictable fire in Gasol's life and Gasol could be the much needed dependable stability in Harding's life.
Why it wouldn't: Sometimes opposites attract…sometimes they really really don't.
Kim Kardashian & Stephen A. Smith
Kim Kardashian is a heartbreaking WAG who is famous for having a big ass and a sex tape. Stephen A. Smith is a sports journalist and TV personality who is famous for having a big personality and a bigger mouth.
A little of either of them goes a very long way.
Why it would work: Kim needs someone older and wiser who can deal with her fame and tolerate her irritating voice. Stephen A. played basketball in college, which should interest Kim. Plus he sits across the table from Skip Bayless on a weekly basis, which proves he has what it takes to withstand the mind-numbing heinousness of listening to Kim talk about nail polish and diamonds day and night.
Why it wouldn't: Kim might be married to the idea of a professional athlete…perhaps the only marriage in her life that won't end in divorce.
Mark Sanchez & Mila Kunis
Mark Sanchez is the starting quarterback for the New York Jets and a very beautiful man.
Mila Kunis is an actress who starred in the Oscar Winning movie Black Swan and a very beautiful woman.
Why it would work: They're just so pretty, how could it not?
Why it wouldn't: Infidelity could become an issue; you can only beat suitors off with a stick for so long before giving in.
Alex Rodriguez & Leighton Meester
Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez is a more successful, less likable Derek Jeter and actress Leighton Meester is a more successful, less attractive Minka Kelly. How are these two not together?
Why it would work: Well obviously they both enjoy seductively looking at themselves in the mirror while being photographed--that's not something you find every day.
Why it wouldn't: The fact that A-Rod is dating a Minka Kelly lookalike would be an ever-growing elephant in the Yankees' locker room. Eventually it would need to be addressed and A-Rod doesn't seem like someone who can handle a confrontation.
Nicki Minaj & John Wall
Singer Nicki Minaj is an emerging superstars and the Wizards John Wall needs some superstar lessons. Wall has got potential, but the Wizards as a whole have no idea how to create a buzz.
Nicki Minaj courtside would create a buzz.
Why it would work: They've both got big personalities, killer dance moves and a lot of potential.
Why it wouldn't: Minaj is a few years older than Wall, which is no big deal in the short-term but could cause some issues down the road.
Ashley A. & Jordan Staal
Penguins hottie Jordan Staal is one of the most eligible bachelors in the NHL and Ashley A. is a two year veteran of the Washington Redskins Cheerleaders.
Why it would work: They're young, they're blonde, they're (presumably) into sports and Washington D.C. is a mere four hour drive from Pittsburgh.
Why it wouldn't: Staal is a well-known party animal; if Ms. Ashley likes to keep it low-key and liquor-free, that could become a bone of contention.
Tiger Woods & Rebecca Grant
With his career on the decline, golf legend Tiger Woods may be looking for some stability in his life after his much publicized divorce from Elin Nordegren. Enter Rebecca Grant.
Grant is an actress, model and sports enthusiast who began her television career as the on-air host for the Buffalo Bills NFL Show. In addition to her stints at ESPN and FoxSports, Grant has appeared in commercials for Budweiser, Coors and Keystone.
Why it would work: It doesn't seem like a wholesome blonde can keep Woods' attention. Grant is just the opposite; a seductive brunette with ample assets who may be wholesome, but you'd never know from looking at her.
Why it wouldn't: It's been established that Tiger has some minor issues with commitment and fidelity.
Dwight Howard & Arianny Celeste
Orlando Magic forward Dwight Howard is a trash-talking NBA superstar who has a son with Royce Reed, a former team dancer who was a cast member of VH1's Basketball Wives.
Arianny Celeste is a UFC Octagon girl and sometimes model who has appeared in Maxim, FHM, Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition and, naturally, Playboy.
Why it would work: He's a superrich, superbuff, superstar athlete and she's a superhot, supersexy, superstar ring girl who is looking for more than just a credit card.
Why it wouldn't: Howard seems to be a philanthropic family man with a home base in Florida. Celeste, who is also involved in charitable causes, seems to be a jet-setting model who might find it difficult to sit still for too long.
Aaron Rodgers & Kate Upton
Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers loves hot blondes (Erin Andrews, Destiny Newton, Hillary Scott, Julie Henderson) and smoking' hot model Kate Upton likes flirting with football players (Rob Gronkowski).
Why it would work: Models and professional athletes are like peanut butter and jelly; they just go together. Plus you need to be a seriously confident human being to date a broad like Upton, and we all know Rodgers is confident (bordering on smug) these days.
Why it wouldn't: Well as desirable as the 28-year-old Super Bowl winning quarterback Aaron Rodgers is to the general female population, 19-year-old Victoria's Secret model Kate Upton just may be out of his league.