Thanksgiving is dear to our American hearts for many reasons. We love food, and we love football, and we love the sense of competition that can come from both. Whenever I celebrate Thanksgiving, me and my brothers always have a contest to see who can eat the most pie without spontaneously combusting. It's just natural, or unnatural, as my mom and other family members like to insist.
We need other ways to relieve our competitive desire. Our family regularly heads down to Philadelphia for Thanksgiving, so it is hard to have a traditional, Kennedy-esque touch football game. That is why I am creating this.
Imagine the entire NFL is having Thanksgiving with you (pretend no games are on, which I know creates a plot-hole about this event even existing in the first place), and a few players get the competition bug. Who would you want on your touch football team? Using O'Hare traditional backyard football rules (Offense: one quarterback, one running back, two wide receivers, one center; Defense: one lineman, one linebacker, two cornerbacks, one safety), I have developed the ultimate NFL touch football team.
Take this into account when you are choosing sides on Thanksgiving, and a plane containing every NFL player crashes down in your backyard.
The no-brainer here should be Aaron Rodgers. My only problem with him is, it's nice to have fun while playing touch football, you know? It's hard to do that when Rodgers is shattering fingers and indenting football-sized marks into your nose with his cartoonish arm strength.
That's why I would choose Drew Brees. You know he would get you the ball, no matter how awful you are. He throws fast, but he seems like he would tone it down depending on skill.
Plus, you could see his adorable child at dinner.
It's touch football, so you need a running back who would avoid people. Jerome Bettis is historically awful at touch football.
Although his season to date has been somewhat of a lost cause, Chris Johnson has to be the choice due to his speed and the fact that he could probably handle a bunch of middle-aged white men.
Even though Titans fans would probably attest otherwise.
Calvin Johnson, for his ability to jump over Uncle Ed in a single bound.
And Wes Welker, because someone would mistake him for one of the little kids, fail to cover him seriously, and then fall down with a single juke off a bubble screen.
Whether you like it or not, someone is forced to snap the football, damning them to never really contributing in a game meant for fun.
I would have to say Maurkice Pouncey, because he seems like a somewhat decent human being who wouldn't mind not being involved in a game where cousin Jimmy gets more catches and more hugs from grandpa.
Let's just set this straight: Ndamukong Suh would probably ruin the game if he played. Leveling Aunt Mary is totally uncalled for, big guy.
We need a nice gentlemen who wouldn't take the game too seriously, which is why BJ Raji would have to be the choice. You could use him on offense (two-way threats are key in touch football), and he would dance to lighten the mood.
Ndamukong would probably chase various family members around with a drumstick, rambling on about "Devil Goodell."
Once again, it's touch football, so we don't need skull-crackers running around like maniacs and decreeing the end of days. James Harrison, I am specifically looking at you.
I would have to say Patrick Willis, due to his unreal athletic gifts and his family history. Willis has had a rough time with certain members of his family (specifically his father), and even though he wouldn't be with his real family, per se, it might be nice.
I just want him to tackle my brother, who's been annoying me lately.
Darrelle Revis, because he would probably infuriate whoever he was covering into a complete mental breakdown.
And Cortland Finnegan, because let's be honest, it's not Thanksgiving without a family fist-fight stemming from a previous incident.