WWE/ECW: You Shouldn't Watch Classic ECW and a Republican Debate Back to Back

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WWE/ECW: You Shouldn't Watch Classic ECW and a Republican Debate Back to Back
Matthew Cavanaugh/Getty Images
This guy has no business invading my ECW dreams

This is what happens in a person's mind, the person in this case being your correspondent, when he dozes off after watching Tuesday night's Republican presidential debate, followed immediately by the WWE's "The Rise and Fall of ECW" on YouTube.

(Opening camera shot: Rabid fans chanting "E-C-W! E-C-W!" at Washington D.C.'s Constitution Hall.)

Wolf Blitzer: We're live in the nation's capitol for...

Joey Styles: (Cutting off Wolf in mid-sentence.) No offense, Blitz, but this is a job for the professionals!  Tonight, it's going to be suicidal!  It's going to be genocidal!  It's going to be homicidal!  Eight candidates, six of whom have no business being here because they don't have a hope in hell of winning the presidency, will nonetheless go toe-to-toe.  Mano-a-mano!  Or in one case, mano-a-womano!  It's Barely Legal!  It's a November To Remember!  It's...

Blitzer: Sorry, Joey, but we have to move on to our first question of the night.  What do you think of the idea that the U.S. should shrink the size of its missile stockpile?  Up first is the former Governor of Massachusetts, the Innovator of Obamacare, Mitt Dreamer...

Mitt Dreamer: Well, as someone who keeps getting knocked down and keeps getting right back up...

D-Von Cain: Hold on a minute, Dreamer.  I don't think you ever got a missile up to begin with.  Now, if you've been payin' attention to the news lately, the ladies have been telling EVERYBODY that some of OUR missiles stand up better than others. 

The first part of the harbinger of my nightmare

 

(Crowd erupts with applause and starts chanting, "Cain's big missile!" clap, clap, clap-clap-clap.)

Cain: Now, my brother, the Texas Gov-nahhh...is gonna testify!!!

Bubba Ray Perry: Youuuu knooooow what D-D-D-D...D-D...(stuttering and stammering)...whoops.

(Crowd chants, "You ------- up! You -------- up! You ------- up!)

Styles: Oh my GOD!

Blitzer: OK, OK, let's get some semblance of order here.  Let's ask the former Senator from Pennsylvania, Amish Roadkill Santorum, where do you stand on the missiles?"

Amish Roadkill Santorum: Chickens!!!

Blitzer: Um, OK. Let's move on to the former House Speaker, the World Television Champion, Newt Van Dam.  Mr. Van Dam, can we get back to the crux of the original question?

NVD: First of all, I am so glad you started this debate at 4:20, right on time.  But then again, Newt Van Dam is always right on time.  I've been the World Television Champion for how many years now?  Newt Van Dam was the World Television Champion while he was Speaker of the House.  Newt Van Dam is the World Television Champion because Sean Hannity wants him night after night after night.  Newt Van Dam is the World Television Champion because the networks that carry these debates know they need Newt Van Dam...

Great, great documentary, but it doesn't mix with politics

 

Blitzer: Mr. Van Dam, your one minute is up...

NVD: ...to carry all the rest of these jerks on his back so the people won't tune out.  Because Wolfy, you know and the networks know that when Newt Van Dam...

Blitzer: Mr. Van Dam....

NVD: ...shows up to one of these shindigs, he kicks back, relaxes, spews out profundity after profundity, the ratings go as high, heh, as Newt Van Dam, 'cause I'm the...

(Crowd says with NVD, "Whole f'n show!")

Blitzer: Our next question is for the Congresswoman from Minnesota, Beulah Bachmann.  Congresswoman...

(Crowd drowns out the question with the chant "Show your ----! Show your ----!)

Bachmann: Wolf, that has to be the most disrespectful...

Cain: Hey, hold on Beulah, baby.  I'm with the crowd!  How 'bout a peek at those puppies?  Yeah, testify!!!

Bachmann: Well, D-Von, why don't you show YOUR thang?  Not that there aren't many women who HAVEN'T seen it by now!

Cain: How 'bout we play I'll show mine if you show yours?

Blitzer: Candidates, PLEASE, can we have some decorum here?  Governor Dreamer, can you please bring us back to some semblance of civility?"

Mitt Dreamer: Well, Wolf, I was just about to say...I'll take 'em both!  I'm hardcore!!

(Crowd chants, "He's hardcore!  He's hardcore!  He's hardcore!")

 

That woke me up.  And if Mitt Romney is our new President in a year's time, even though he never actually uttered those words, I might break out in a cold sweat every time he speaks.

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