Every year, millions spend the holiday season in a terrible state.
Neglected, downtrodden and depressed, these creatures find no solace during this time of year due to their constant suffering.
Hungry, heartbroken, and all but forgotten by society, they fade into the darkness of our consciousness.
I am of course referring to—fans of underachieving sports franchises.
The pain brought on by a year long parade of losses and deception can be devastating at this time, as the constant stream of disappointment has been mounting for almost an entire year.
It is time this problem is addressed. It is time we introduce the "Adopt-A-Fan" program.
For as little as 65 cents a day, you'll be helping rehabilitate a young fan with nary a will to live, by providing them with hope and care through one of our countless programs destined to restore the joy in neglected sports fans.
With your generous donation, you'll be helping people like Brian, age 24, from the Bay Area, who is both a San Francisco 49ers, Golden State Warriors, and San Francisco Giants fan.
"Please help me. It's been awful this year. I just—I thought Bruce Bochy would make a good manager. God help me, I did."
With a donation of $1 a day, people like Brian will benefit from our "Good Memories" package, which includes a picture book and DVDs of his favorite team's best moments.
"Oh my goodness. It's Super Bowl XXIX. Steve Young's finest moment. Thank you, 'Adopt-A-Fan.'"
For a low cost of $35 a month, you could help people like Linda, 38, a lifelong Detroit Lions fan, through our "Meet your MVPs" plan, which shuttles fans to public events to meet their sports heroes.
"I was this close to Barry Sanders. Now I can die. I mean, well, I still want to stalk and maybe threaten Matt Millen, but this was also great. And it's all thanks to 'Adopt-A-Fan.'"
And now, a word from our celebrity spokesperson and all-around do-gooder, Sarah Mclachlan:
"It is so unfortunate [sob] that even in this country, the land of the [sob] free, there can be so much—[unintelligible sobbing]. When I'm not campaigning against [sob] animal cruelty, poverty in third world nations [sneeze] and Jessica Simpson's career, I make 'Adopt-a-Fan' my biggest priority. [continuous sobbing] "
Every single one of our programs includes a monthly newsletter containing a picture of a fan you'd be helping get back on his or her feet, and letters ghostwritten by our sympathy writers but signed with the name of your adopted fan.
Fans like Timothy, 51, a Notre Dame Football season ticket holder.
"Why the hell is Charlie Weis still here? You tell me, 'Adopt-A-Fan.'"
With a generous contribution of $4 a day, you can help fans like Curtis, 22, with our most ambitious program yet, "Fan Reassignment Therapy."
"After seven psychotherapy sessions, I now get an uncontrollable urge to vomit whenever I think about the Los Angeles Clip—needless to say, I love the Lakers now. Thank you, 'Adopt-a-Fan'!"
*Warning: There is no guarantee that any of the programs will work. Your fee is non-refundable in these cases. Fans of the New York Yankees, Florida Gators, Detroit Red Wings and any Boston-area team need not apply.
For fans living in Canada, the fee is doubled. For more information call 1-900-FANNNNN. Sarah Mclachlan appears courtesy of Arista records. For more information on how to stop Jessica Simpson's career, mail the Dallas Cowboys c/o Tony Romo.