I'm the product of divorce. Chances are pretty solid you are too. If you're not, chances are even better your kids will be—don't argue, it's math. Having gone through such hardship myself, I always feel it important to pass on my experiences and advice to those also suffering at the ring-less hands of divorce. Los Angeles Dodgers, I feel your pain, and it's about time you and I had a heart-to-heart.
First, we have to talk about your report card. An 82-79 record last season isn't going to make Mommy and Daddy not blame you for all the yelling. Sure, you're over .500, but this is Los Angeles, and you don't want to end up like your red-headed half brother, the LA Clippers. You're the Dodgers, and it's about time you started acting like it.
Now, I know it's hard to do your best when you're not being given what you need, but that's all going to change, okay? Your parents have decided that you'd be better suited with a new Daddy. They're looking everywhere for a real nice guy who will give you everything they neglected.
People have been talking about Peter O'Malley buying you back, but considering he already sold you once to Newscorp in 1998, it's not exactly easy to forgive and forget. He clearly has a shaky trigger finger, and we don't want you getting passed off to another gem like Rupert Murdoch again.
Dennis Gilbert, a former Chicago White Sox owner and known Dodger fan, has also expressed some interest. He has lots of money to buy you new toys, too. He's definitely a good option.
Also, don't worry about all those people saying you might be sold to Larry King; child-protective services would never let that happen. The last thing you need is to go though another divorce, and he's well overdue. Though Matt Kemp might look pretty snappy in a nice pair of suspenders.
Mark Cuban really, really likes you. He's also willing to spend a lot of money making sure you get everything you need to dominate the NL West. Considering what he's been able to accomplish with the defending NBA champion Dallas Mavericks, it's hard to argue against him being the kind of man you need in your life. I think you're going to be very happy with Papa Cuban.
The key to making it through a tough divorce is being confident in yourself, and knowing it wasn't your fault that Daddy brought home a lot of aunts you didn't know you had, or maids that only cleaned his bedroom. Just remember that you have a young stud pitcher in Clayton Kershaw and a potential MVP winner in Matt Kemp, all surrounded by a pretty decent team. You just need a few more pieces, and it'll all fit into place.
If none of that makes you feel better, just do what I always did: revel in the fact that that you get two Christmases with two people very eager to win you over.