Who Would the Detroit Lions Beat?

0-14.

After going 7-9 last year (albeit 1-7 in the last eight games) and going 4-0 this preseason, did anyone see this coming? It's funny (or sad) to think about, but I actually thought they had a shot at a winning record this year if certain things went their way.

When you look back, the only thing that has gone right is the firing of Matt Millen, and even that took several years longer than it should have.

So, in honor of the Detroit Lions' historic season, I offer up a list of teams that they would possibly be able to beat.

That said, I wouldn't hold my breath on the Lions winning these games either.

1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers

First off, those uniforms were just awesome!! The Bucs were walking creme-sicles!! Their uniforms were so pleasantly pastel, they're nearly as lame as something like Honolulu Bl.....oh, uhh, nevermind.

Look, we all know that Tampa in 1976 was an expansion team, but any team that can wear those colors on the field earns my respect.

Final score: Tampa Bay 24, Detroit 14

Michigan Wolverines

I had to throw this in, at the risk of alienating all of my fellow Michigan fans.

The Wolverines suffered through their worst season in nearly 130 years, but even this year's team would wipe the floor with the Lions? How do I know this?

Just ask Lions rookie running back Kevin Smith:

"...we're not winning because we have high-school talent playing on the NFL level."

Last time I checked, college is better than high school.

Final Score: Michigan 21, Lions 17

The Local Pee Wee Football Squad

I'll tell you one thing; after seeing this picture, I developed genuine fear for the safety of the Detroit Lions.

I have no doubts that the team pictured here would tear apart the Lions faster than they would tear open their Christmas gifts.

The speed alone of this Pee Wee football team would be scary, I've heard some teams' players posting 4.3 40 times when there's an ice cream truck at the end of the run.

Lots of points scored in games involving Pee Wee teams, but I have full confidence in the Lions inability to come up with the one stop they would need to preserve victory.

Final Score: Little Giants 42, Lions 35 (Note on score: Little Giants scored seven touchdowns, not six, just missed all of their extra points, because as we all know little kids can't really kick footballs that far.)

WWE Superstars

NFL players are big. REALLY big. "I wouldn't want to piss them off in a dark alley" big.

But we're talking about WWE Superstars here! These guys are complete freaks of nature!

Put Mark Henry and The Great Khali on the offensive line, Batista and The Undertaker on the defensive line, and the Lions have already lost the battle in the trenches.

Final Score: WWE 1 Stone Cold Stunner, Lions 0

2008 USA Gymnastic Team

Before I get into this one, can you imagine Daunte Culpepper trying to perform on the balance beam?

Wait, on second thought, he might try to just stand there and do the Daunte Shuffle, or whatever that seizure-induced dance with his fists is called.

How about Jason Hanson in a leotard? He'd probably look so yummy... Wait, this article is taking a bad turn, let's forget that I ever said this.

Team USA's gymnasts were brilliant individually in Beijing earlier this year. As a team, they finished second to an under-aged Chinese team.

I definitely could see Shawn Johnson, Nastia Luikin and Co. put a severe beatdown on the Lions....without even smearing their makeup or losing their smiles.

Final score: Team USA 9.5, Lions 0