This is now the third consecutive week of the “Weekly NFL Viewing Guide,” a column that has is famous for having an average of 71 readers per, or the lowest average for any weekly column on the internet. So please, tell your friends. This is our "Save Our Bluths" episode.
Where Is Joe Buck?
The newest addition to our “Where Is” denomination, Joe Buck will be giving his comatose thoughts throughout the Giants-49ers game. Now, this should be an above average game, but all of that could be compromised by the lethargic words falling out of Buck’s mouth. So have fun!
What Should I Be Eating?
I went to my buddy Alec’s house the other week to watch the games, and his dad made hamburgers complete with crumbled up Cheez-Its inside the burger. Now, it is a family secret recipe, so don’t tell anyone. And, you can’t really taste the Cheez-Its, but you know they are there. It’s this omnipresent sense that is hard to shake. because you usually don’t knowingly know that there are crackers within your hamburger. But they are good. I am starting to sound like Joe Buck. Moving on.
Gus Johnson Is Here, Right?
No. Come on, you know FOX has better usage of his time, like the Washington-USC game on FX. THAT’S where he is really needed. If Gus could go back in time, do you think he would have stayed with CBS, if he knew the hell that was awaiting him with FOX?
If I Have to Miss the 1 PM or 4 PM Slate, Which Should It Be?
If you were a real American who sleeps with our flag as a blanket and uses Das Kapital for kindle, then you wouldn’t have this problem. But if I had to choose, the 4 PM slate only has like, three games going on, none of which are particularly appealing to the eye. I actually don’t blame you if the Ravens-Seahawks game doesn’t rev your engine.
Where Is Phil Simms?
Which Twitter Feeds Should I Be Following?
I might repeat a few, but since no one reads this anyway, it’s not a big deal:
All those guys are either hilarious or insightful, and sometimes occasionally both.
Will There Ever Be a Better Interview Than the One Deion Sanders Gave Philip Rivers On Thursday?
It was basically Deion making fun of Rivers for throwing so many interceptions, and it was glorious.
When Are the Optimal Bathroom Break Times?
4:39 PM and 5:32 PM.
Is the Monday Night Game Horrible?
It’s the Vikings-Packers, and there is a good chance that the mercy rule might have to be called for the Vikings. This could be a massacre, and a boring game to watch. But it’s Monday night, what do you expect?
Is There Anything Better On During This Time Period? I Looked at the Schedule, and It Looks Pretty Bad This Sunday.
Well, it does. And if it wasn’t my contractually obligated duty to do otherwise, I’d probably be watching the Harry Potter movie block that ABC Family is doing for the 1,100th time. If Harry Potter is on TV, I literally have an impulse to watch it, and it burns.
Where Is Dan Dierdorf?
He’s doing the Ravens-Seahawks game, and the Ravens seem like the perfect team for Dierdorf due to their old-time style of tackling, despite the fact that they play the most modern defensive scheme in football. He’ll probably complain about the Seahawks green shoes too.
Which Game Is the Game of the Week?
The Sunday Night game, the Patriots-Jets, sounds decent, and the most media-hyped rivalry never disappoints. It never really satisfies either, but it usually isn’t too horrible. So watch that!