Handing out Midseason Awards for the NFL's Best of the Best
The NFL is sort of at the halfway point, and that means we (I) need to handout some meaningless hardware. But first, a quick tangent:
Is there any other postseason award that is weirder than the NFL's? First off, the NFL is not in charge of handing out the primary awards. The Associated Press is responsible for the whole pageant, so that means we do not really know who is voting for who, or who is even voting at all. Maybe a few people will come out and say, "Hey, I'm involved", but otherwise, we don't know.
There are no glorious moments like finding out someone voted B.J. Surhoff for the Hall of Fame. The fun is missing, and there is no one to make fun of. I'm not really complaining; all this does is show that these awards are probably meaningless due to the NFL not having a centralized award government despite the fact that the NFL is involved in literally everything else.
Who wants some forgettable glitter?
Comeback Player of the Year
It has to be Alex Smith, quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers. I've seen others give it to Ryan Fitzpatrick, but he actually showed something resembling promise before.
Smith was a quarterbacking atrocity, a plague on the state of California, and perhaps the entire West Coast. He is 10-2 in the TD-INT department and has a QB rating of 97.3.
These are numbers that no longer cause tears to form into blood and dogs to run away in fear. Smith has become a legitimate quarterback, something no one believed possible. Kudos.
Defensive Rookie of the Year
I have a rough time judging defensive players, mainly because I have a poor attention span and am easily amazed by shiny objects like Troy Polamalu or Ed Reed.
He really has been "steady and consistent while also making plenty of big plays, despite lining up as a strongside linebacker -- which generally doesn't lend itself to showing up as much as Miller has."
Offensive Rookie of the Year
This is easy. This year's hype is Cam Newton, a man who made football interesting in Carolina and football intereseting to Steve Smith. Both of those accomplishments are equally impressive, as are Newton's gaudy numbers:
That, an 87.1 QBR and seven rushing touchdowns make Newton the obvious choice, a hero in the geographical region where he used to steal computers.
Defensive Player of the Year
My first instinct is always Troy Polamalu, but I'll have to put that impulse off for now. It's Darrelle Revis, the insanely-talented corner for the New York Jets.
I hate to be an echo of everyone else, but he's so damned good. The way he shuts down people isn't fair.
On the flip side, he allows Antonio Cromartie to be picked on relentlessly because of Revis' skill and Cromartie's lack thereof. So maybe that's bad.
Offensive Player of the Year
This award infuriates me, because sometimes the Offensive Player of the Year differs from the MVP, and we know MVP's are only allowed to be offensive players, specifically quarterbacks and running backs (right?).
How is this possible? How can you go on and on about how phenomenal Rodgers' season has been and how it's a season for the ages, and then say screw it, Jackson is the best offensive player in football, when this obviously isn't true. Gah.
So that's why my MVP and my OPY are the same, and my OPY is...
Fred Jackson! No, it's Aaron Rodgers for reasons that should not need explained. He is playing out of his gourd and endangers self-esteems of other quarterbacks after every bullet released from his arm cannon.
Can everyone watch this?
This is a perfect play, throw, footwork, whatever. No one else can make it look as effortless without having a seizure. This play clinched it for me.
Congrats, Aaron, on having a season for the ages. You're the only player I can't be cynical about. Ass.
Best TV Coverage
I need to award this since TV coverage is so bad nowadays. You have Dan Dierdorf and his faux-nostalgia, Phil Simms and his faux-kindness.
But NFL Red Zone is unbelievable, and I know I've panhandled them pointlessly for them before, but everyone needs to get it. They weed out the bad and insert greatness. Do yourself a favor.
Coach of the Year
Jim Harbaugh, resident superhero for the San Francisco 49ers. What he's done is nothing short of amazing, and he is a big reason why the city of San Francisco hasn't revolted against the idiocy of Jed York.
He made the team watchable and relevant, and isn't that really every coach's job? To insert excitement? It's not? Whatever.
Those were the awards. You're welcome.