Starring: Clark W. Aubie as the Aubie family patriarch. Co-starring Cousin Bama Eddie as Clark’s across-the-state in-law. Also starring various members of the Aubie family. Featuring Jay Jacobs as the boss.
The scene: A wintry Christmas Eve in the Aubie family household. Family members from around the state, including Cousin Bama Eddie, are gathered in anticipation of the season. Clark is anxious because he’s expecting a Christmas bonus in the form of a great new football coach from his boss, Jay Jacobs. As Christmas approaches, the gift hasn’t yet arrived.
There’s a knock at the door. Clark answers the knock to find a wimpy-looking delivery boy with an envelope.
Delivery boy: “I have a package for Clark W. Aubsman? I was supposed to deliver it yesterday, but uh, it fell between the seats and I didn’t see it. I’m sorry.”
Clark snatches the envelope, slams the door in the delivery boy’s face, and heads to the family room with a happy grin on his face.
Father-in-law Art: “What is it, a letter confirming your status as little brother to Alabama?”
Clark (smiling happily): “It’s from Jay Jacobs.”
Mrs. Aubie (excitedly): “Your bonus!”
Clark: “My bonus.”
Clark begins to cry and wades into the assembled family, hugging and kissing his wife and kids.
Mother-in-law Nora: “Open it, Clark!”
Bama Eddie: “I hope it’s a great one. I really do.”
Clark (clutching envelope to his chest): “I was going to wait until tomorrow to tell you, but with this bonus...we’re going to win us some SEC Championships!”
Clark: “And if there’s enough left over? We’re going to win us a national championship too!”
Family cheers louder.
Bama Eddie: “Uhh, Clark, ya’ll don’t have one of those since 1957.”
Clark: “Yes, Eddie, I know. I know.”
Father-in-law Art: “Well, are you gonna open it or just blubber all over it?”
Clark rips the envelope open with dramatic flair and looks at the piece of paper contained inside. His face freezes, and he giggles hysterically.
Mrs. Aubie: “What is it, Clark?”
Clark doesn’t answer and wheezes with the same strange expression on his face.
Mrs. Aubie: “Is it more than you expected? Is it Spurrier? Or Gruden?”
Clark grunts and shakes his head no.
Mrs. Aubie: “Less impressive than you hoped? Turner Gill or Brady Hoke?”
Clark utters a strangled laugh, still shaking his head.
Mrs. Aubie: “Clark, what is it?”
Clark (staring morosely at the paper): “It’s Gene Chizik.”
Mrs. Aubie: “Oh, God no.”
The family groans loudly—all except Bama Eddie, who raises his glass in a toast.
Bama Eddie: “It’s the gift that keeps on giving all football season long.”
Clark: “That it is, Edward. That it is indeed.”
Clark staggers to the buffet table and shakily downs two cups of eggnog, muttering to himself.
He storms to the top of the stairs in a rage and turns to face the stricken family.
Clark (shouting): “If this isn’t the biggest bag over the head, punch in the face I ever got! Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Jay Jacobs right here. Tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Roosevelt Drive with all the other big shot boosters, and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, fore-fleshing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey crap he is. Hallelujah. Holy hell. Where's the Tylenol?”
Fade to black.
Unfortunately, for Auburn fans there won’t be a tidy resolution to this Christmas nightmare. There's no scene where Jacobs is kidnapped by well-meaning Bama Eddie and recognizes the error of his ways. It won’t end with the retraction of this hire and the announcement of another that will bring joy to the Clark W. Aubie family.
This fun old-fashioned family Christmas won’t end with the family singing the Star-Spangled Banner on a snowy front lawn. It won’t end with Clark realizing the true meaning of the season.
This Christmas horror show has no ending in sight.
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