"Swami Sayz" and the 5 Worst Things About ESPN's Chris Berman
I have been beating the "I hate Chris Berman drum" for years now.
From his hackneyed, worn-out expressions to his utter phoniness, Berman really gets my goat whenever he snakes his way onto any sports platform.
For someone who is so untalented and downright annoying, Berman gets an ungodly amount of air time on ESPN.
He has been a part of SportsCenter, Monday Night Countdown, Sunday NFL Countdown, U.S. Open Golf, the Home Run Derby and the Stanley Cup Finals, just to name a few.
Bravo, Berman, you have fooled many, but you have not convinced me of your legitimacy. I see you for the one-trick pony that you are.
There is nothing worse than when I talk to someone who clearly knows nothing about sports and they say something like, "That Boomer, he is just hilarious!"
In this article I will outline five reasons why Chris Berman is a not the kind, lovable broadcaster that ESPN has very successfully brainwashed us into thinking he is, but rather a coy jerk who knows very little about anything pertaining to sports.
No. 5: Swami Sayz
Jim Rogash/Getty Images
Is there anything more patently ridiculous than Berman's NFL predictions? Often times I wonder if he is completely joking when he makes his boneheaded picks.
Swami gives fortune tellers everywhere a bad name, and he makes Pele look like Jimmy the Greek.
The day I trust Swami to help me decide which team I want to bet on is the day I check into the insane asylum.
There is something to be said for being contrarian and taking a unique angle on a game, but this guy just goes out of his way to come across as a moron.
How many times have we heard Berman puke out something like this: "So you're all on the Patriots to beat the Dolphins? Well, not me! I have the Dolphins in a shocker!"
The final score? Patriots 57, Dolphins 3
No. 4: He Could...Go...All...The...Way...
Ezra Shaw/Getty Images
Talk about a crutch, Berman's lack of imagination is on full display when he utters this gem.
You would think a Brown University alumnus with over 30 years in the books at ESPN would diversify even just a little bit.
Not so with Berman—his golf bag is as empty as his head is big.
With that cool, intense football music in the background when Berman is doing the highlights, he could dribble out just about anything and it would sound intense. However, when he goes to the well on this expression more times than Jesus is referenced in a Tim Tebow press conference, it gets old fast.
Even so, this phrase pales in comparison to the next one on this list...
No. 3: Back, Back, Back, Back...Gone!
Matthew Stockman/Getty Images
When I first heard this rhetoric, I was duped into thinking it was absolute gold.
It didn't take long for me to realize that Berman was an absolute joke.
His lack of physical fitness and his propensity to sweat like a hog make him look and sounds like he is in his 19th hour of labor.
Fellow broadcasters—who actually do research and plan ahead—must be absolutely livid that Berman has stretched his tentacles into just about every sport.
They must also be horrified that Berman is a favorite of three different groups of people: the young (who don't know any better), the really old (who don't know any better) and the borderline stupid (a large enough population to garner views).
If you breakdown what he is actually saying and don't get swindled by his phoniness, it is hard to fathom how he has any following.
His phony persona of a lovable oaf is torn to pieces in this next slide...
No. 2: The Real Chris Berman...
Some may argue that working at ESPN is stressful, and I can buy that to some extent.
It is one thing to lose your cool, but Berman goes absolutely berserk when people just try to do their jobs.
Just because this clown got grandfathered in during ESPN's inception does not give him the right to boss people around like he is a mafia don.
For those of you who think this is an isolated incident, Deadspin.com has six videos, which were taken down from YouTube, that paint a picture of the real Chris Berman.
This takes me to my last point...
No. 1: Chris Berman Is Mad with Power
Stephen Shugerman/Getty Images
The videos on the previous slide are just the ones that have leaked from ESPN.
Can you imagine how many times Berman has gone off while on camera and the videos haven't surfaced?
With his experience and arrogance, I bet he has every subordinate at ESPN on their toes.
I would hate to work at ESPN, just because I couldn't get myself to be a yes-man for this buffoon.
I could imagine a hundred wide-eyed interns at Berman's beck and call, hoping they could have the chance to fetch this behemoth of a man a soda, thinking he will get them their big break.
Walt Disney would be crying in his grave.