BREAKING NEWS! Under New Presidents, SEC Becomes Its Own Division in NCAA

Use your ← → (arrow) keys to browse more stories
BREAKING NEWS! Under New Presidents, SEC Becomes Its Own Division in NCAA

The article below is completely satirical and my joke on a conference that never allows for anyone to criticize them. It is a complete JOKE so if you do not have a sense of humor please don't read. 

Breaking news coming from the SEC football conference.

Nick Saban, Urban Meyer, and Les Miles have been named the Co-Presidents of the Southeastern Conference beginning in 2009.

The former SEC commissioner, Michael Adams, has decided to resign due to the constant hate mail and pressure from the SEC fans. The fans have been demanding for years that there needs to be a new playoff system as well as even more biased media coverage, but Adams was not willing to change anything.

While Saban, Meyer, and Miles have all been named the Co-Presidents due to their habitual SEC propensity, current South Carolina head coach Steve Spurrier has been named Vice President.

The first order of business for these four men is something that will change college football entirely and might just make the SEC fans more dedicated and narrow-minded than ever before (who would have thought it was possible?).

The following excerpt is a direct quote from Miles' email which was sent to ESPN almost immediately following the announcement of the new SEC Presidents:

"It is our main goal and objective to completely make the SEC stand out as the best and only real conference in college football. Beginning in 2009 we have requested that the Southeastern Conference is the only conference allowed in NCAA Division 0A.

We have asked permission and have been granted it from the NCAA to remove all 12 SEC teams from Division 1A and put them in our own division and conference, NCAA 0A. We chose the number 0 because that is exactly how many teams outside of the SEC that can beat any of our teams. 

SEC coaches and staff will no longer be allowed to recruit west of Louisiana and north of Arkansas and South Carolina. The other conferences will not be allowed to recruit anywhere southeast of Arkansas and directly south of South Carolina. We feel this won't change our level of play since our football is already the greatest in the country

There will be NO games out of conference or out of Division 0A scheduled. We feel it is important because we want our teams to always play the best competition. 

Each team will play all 11 opponents every season and the SEC Div. 0A East winner will play the SEC Div. 0A West winner. The SEC Div. 0A conference championship will also be the National Championship.

All other conferences like the Pac 10, Big 12, ACC, Big 10 and any other conference that we're not worried about, will play for the National Championship "Runner Up" trophy. We feel this is the best thing for our conference and for the rest of the nation because it is already a given that our teams are far superior than any others. 

All Div. 0A SEC Conference teams will play one preseason game against the four worst NFL teams from the previous year. The NFL has agreed to the terms and the four worst teams will play their three preseason games against the Div. 0A SEC teams.

Another main objective that we have is to keep ESPN and CBS on our side. ESPN and Div. 0A SEC  has agreed to a contract that will allow three games to be played on ESPN on Saturday's and CBS will air a Thursday night game as well as a Friday Night double-header beginning at 5 PM. 

One thing that our conference could not agree with the NCAA about is our wish to create our own All-American Team. Instead, the NCAA has agreed to guarantee the SEC half of the All-American roster spots. We feel this is fair since we will most likely have additional players named anyway's.

The ESPN Gameday Crew will only be allowed to attend SEC games. In addition, Chris Fowler and Kirk Herbstreit have asked if they can have an on camera interview with Tim Tebow each week. Tebow agreed to those terms and was quoted as saying 'That will be a huge honor, Kirk and Chris, God bless.'

It is not only our objective but it is our priority to bring all of you obsessed and dedicated SEC fans pure happiness and feelings of superiority among all other football conferences in the nation. It is pure degradation when anyone compares or mentions another conference team with one of ours. 

We will do anything and everything to help the SEC stand-out among the rest and we feel these notions above will give us the best shot at determining who the best teams are in the country. We wanted to fix the BCS so we did, we got out of it because quite frankly, the SEC deserves to be crowned annually as having the best team in the country... if not the best 12 teams."


Your new SEC Presidents

As any college football fan can tell, this is a pretty big breaking news story and we're positive that the only fans we care about will love these new Presidents and their rules.

There is one other pending rule that is on the table that ESPN is considering that was not mentioned in the email...The new Presidents have asked that Lee Corso is fired from the ESPN Gameday crew because of his unfair passion for the Big 12. 

My final thoughts are these...if Bob Stoops thought the ESPN supported the SEC before these new regulations, what will he think now?

The SEC and their fans got exactly what they wanted but it is just a matter of time before the fans ask for their conference champion to play the Super Bowl winner. Vegas reports that if that indeed became a game, the NFL team would be an eight touchdown favorite. 

I sure hope SEC fans and players don't get a hold of those Vegas odds or else...they might feel disrespected...for once. 

Follow LSU Football from B/R on Facebook

Follow LSU Football from B/R on Facebook and get the latest updates straight to your newsfeed!

LSU Football

Subscribe Now

By signing up for our newsletter, you agree to our Terms and Privacy Policy.

Thanks for signing up.