That is why “The NFL Viewing Guide” has returned yet again, despite low statistical numbers last week that made us the column equivalent to John Beck. Hopefully we can turn that around this time, so let us begin me telling you how to watch TV properly:
Where Is Phil Simms?
Our irascible embodiment of pretentiousness will be doing the the Jets-Bills game at 1:00 p.m, which is sort of strange since the Simms/Nantz duo usually make their living doing the 4:00 p.m. “Game of the Week as Advertised by CBS,” much to the chagrin of backups Greg Gumbel and Dan Dierdorf (although, one could make the argument that everything is done to the chagrin of Dan Dierdorf).
Will Phil be able to make it five minutes without insulting Mark Sanchez’s quarterbacking abilities by comparing them to his own? Probably not, so make sure you have something interesting as your flashback, like Paid Programming.
What Should I Be Eating?
May I suggest cookies? Literally any kind will do, as long as they are soft and have chocolate and look like this.
If I Have to Miss the 1:00 p.m. or 4:00 p.m. Slate, Which Should It Be?
I said it last week, and I’ll say it again: GET YOUR YARD WORK DONE ON SATURDAY, YOU PINKO COMMIE. That said, the 1:00 p.m. tablet looks particularly grim, so pick your crabgrass during that time period, Karl Marx.
Oh, Please God, No, Is Joe Buck Back?
Yes! He’ll bring his indifference to the Giants-Patriots game. Seriously, the only time I would ever want Tony Siragusa helping announce is during the Buck games, so Siragusa could unintentionally keep Buck from falling into a minor coma.
Whose Twitter Feeds Should I Be Following?
Last week, I showed some love to some fellow Bleacher Report workers and some other NFL writers. I am going to try to do this every week, since there are great Twitter feeds everywhere! (Pretend there are rainbows and flowers coming out of the word “everywhere.") Here are a few I like:
Should I Be Wearing a Halloween Costume During the Games?
No, Halloween is over, freak. As for the Oakland fans who will not heed my advice: you look great! We are pointing with you, not at you. Nothing says “Raiders” like a cross-dresser with a spike going through her/his nose, sadistically yelling at small children who “Aren’t in the spiritglajklshflfjlfjdfkjsdfskldfj."
Which Pregame Show Should I Be Watching?
I forgot to add this last week, my apologies. All are pretty morally reprehensible, especially the one that drools on FOX.
CBS isn’t too bad, but I find it to drag in some parts due to the incessant yes/no interviews.
NFL Network, as of late, has been my go-to, which is somewhat amazing, considering my general dislike for Michael Irvin and Warren Sapp. The fact that Rich Eisen (who, damn it, I forgot to put in my “Must Follow Section,” so here’s to you, Rich Eisen) is able to control a pregame show that would otherwise be an unmitigated social disaster without him, is quite astonishing and deserves a watch for that alone.
Is Gus Johnson Doing a Game?
Of course not. Why do we need someone who actually gives a crap when we can have Joe Buck repeatedly slam his head into the table?
When Are the Optimal Bathroom Break Times?
2:17 p.m. and 6:29 p.m.
Where Is Dan Dierdorf?
He’ll be babbling away during the Denver-Oakland game, and it will be a must-watch due to what he will probably do to Tim Tebow. Now, I’m not sure what it will be, but I can only hope that mindless “leadership” tangents are said. The way Dierdorf reacts to Tebow’s various actions will be the talk of the town come next week, and you don’t want to be out of the loop. 100/1 odds that Dierdorf refers to Tebow Tebowing as a pagan ritual.
Is the Monday Night Game Horrible?
It is Bears-Eagles, so that isn’t quite the crime against humanity that this season has otherwise been.
Which One Is the Game Of the Week?
Probably the Sunday night game between Pittsburgh and Baltimore, where we are sure to see extensive bloodshed. Or at least brain tissue shed.