Top 10 Inventions That Changed Sport For The Awesome

Bleacher ReportCorrespondent IDecember 12, 2008

It's always being stuck in people, but how did it come to be?

Originally used by the Irish to test the done-ness of their diseased potatoes prior to devouring them with their hands like trained chimpanzees.

The Fork has come to symbolize the four minute mark in a Cincinnati Bengals game.

Athletics do not abide by the laws of the universe. That is why Stephen Hawking has been kicked off the English Wheelchair Basketball team six years in a row, regardless of his impeccable Free Throw percentage.

Unlike every other measurable quantity, effort is measured on a scale with a baseline of "not quite 100%" ranging all the way up to the magical 110%.

It has been rumored that 110% was invented by an imaginary creature: The White Power Forward. The myth of the white power forward explains how a Caucasian male was able to give 110% to achieve greatness.

Unfortunately, it ends with all athletes discovering the ability to give 110% and thus, the NBA expanded to include Indiana and Utah—or that is how the story was told to me.

No one knows where this magical line resides, but on this line, the game is placed during the fourth and final quarter.

Recently cities such as Detroit have downsized, forcing the all franchises named after large cats to fill out a form, at least one week in advance, in order to borrow the line from the Redwings or Pistons.

However, it appears as though Chauncy Billups may have taken the Pistons' line with him to Denver.

DISAMBIGUITY: DID YOU MEAN the BETTING LINE? Please See Pete Rose for latest information on the LINE.

DISAMBIGUITY: DID YOU MEAN THE WHITE LINE? Matt Jones is in the Walmart Parking lot.

Originally Invented to increase the productivity of teams incessant on digging their own graves.

The shovel has undergone a transformation of sorts. Players represented by Drew Rosenhaus are still set on digging themselves out of the holes they've got themselves into.

However, it appears as though Franchise Quarterbacks, who's father is Archie Manning, have learned to use this simple tool to dig deep and find a little extra.

It is soon expected that both Eli and Peyton Manning will soon learn to use other simple tools, such as the pulley, wedge and possibly even fulcrum.

Never used to pose a question, but rather to describe the awfulness of a player or group of players.

Invented by the Short Fat Unathletic Announcers Club (of America) to ensure an embargo on ass kicking by insulted players.


Before: "KC's defensive backfield is filled with short, fat, slow players who have a combined IQ equivalent to my left nut, Jim."

After: "KC's defensive backfield is a big QUESTIONMARK, Jim."

Before: "This player really enjoys drinking, cheating on his wife, drinking some more, and planning drive by shootings to off his pregnant baby mama."

After: "Not sure why the Panthers drafted Rae Carruth in Round One, his attitude is a big questionmark."

Invented by Al Gore, the internet has allowed instant access to player ratings and photos.

Just last night I learned that Adrian Peterson of the Vikings has an eight inch member, is a grower not a shower, and is terrific in bed.

The internet has brought the third leg from the locker room to the living room: Reminding the average fan that professional athletes are indeed superior to you and I, not just on the field but in the sac too.

Invented by the incredibly gifted athlete to give inspiration to children.

Often used by athletes to disguise steroid use, as seen by Hulk Hogan: "Train, Say your Prayers, and Take your Vitamins"

God and the Jesus are only credited by the victorious athletes as it's quite clear they've prayed harder than their opponents.

Jewish athletes have managed to sneak into baseball due to their praise of God, but will forever be banished from professional football due to their lack of Jesus love.

Kevin Youkilis has felt the wrath of the Jesus as seen by his baseball reference name code

While many attribute the invention of capitalism to Michael Jordan, it was actually a joint venture between MJ and Sam Bowie.

Mr. Jordan expanded on the concept of Manifest Destiny to force the Chinese to "Be Like Mike." China soon opened its doors to the world and started pumping out Nike Air Jordan's at incredibly reasonable prices.

Michael Jordan graduated from the Chicago School of Economics and is the reason Jeffery Sachs changed his world view so drastically after the failed Russian experiment.

He also cured Magic Johnson's AIDS.

Invented in an unknown era, by an unknown entrepreneur, the stick has shaped the sport of baseball and transformed Latin America into a baseball factory.

Latin Americans apparently, and this is just circumstantial, play the mythical sport of stickball to hone their baseball skills and make mash cash moneys.

Latin Americans are incredibly secretive regarding their training regiment, releasing only the barest of details:

"Stickball? Oh Stickball! We hit a ball of twine with a stick, that's it..."

Due to this secrecy, Congress has advised all major media outlets to refer to Latin American baseball players as if they were fruits and vegetables, requiring "Product of.." to precede their native land.

Speaking of trained chimpanzees, the monkey was invented as a balancing mechanism for Phil Mickleson's bitch-tits. The monkey was to stay on Phil's back until he lost enough weight or purchased a sports bra.

Phil was successful ridding himself of the excess weight through his unique training method of sweating uncontrollably for three hours every Thursday, Friday, Saturday and sometimes even Sunday for five months a year.

The Monkey was no longer needed, and has since been passed on to Andy Reid who's increase in bust-i-ness has required the addition of a second monkey.

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