It is difficult to imagine Ndamukong Suh, the beast of a man and the face of all that is wrong with the NFL, civilly meeting NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. One has to imagine that talks surely turned into screaming matches at one point and ended with Suh giving a dull disclaimer to the media.
What if we could bug the walls of NFL Headquarters? This is what I believe happened:
SCENE 1: NFL HEADQUARTERS, NEW YORK CITY.
Roger Goodell: Why, hello, Ndam--.
Suh puts hands around Goodell's neck.
Goodell (wheezing): Secur...ity!
SCENE 2: NFL HEADQUARTERS, NEW YORK CITY. ONE HOUR LATER.
Goodell (vehemently): Why, hello, Ndam--ukong. How are we today?
Suh: $! you, man.
Goodell: Likewise. Why have you graced us with your presence today, my boy?
Suh: Your boy? Your b--? Never mind. You know why I'm here, Lex.
Goodell: Ah, I see you've found out my real name. And I know why you're here. You're upset about the new label we have told our media stooges to christen you with, no?
Suh: That, and the fact that I was subdued with a tranquilizer just before I was about to punch Jim Harbaugh.
Goodell: You know we could never allow that to happen, right? And your "dirty player" insignia—it's just words, Mr. Suh. You need to be less sensitive.
Suh: All these fines and exaggerated media reports have turned me into your Rosie the Riveter for NFL player safety. But we know you, Lex. We know you don't care about us. You couldn't care less that I used Jay Cutler's back as a place to practice karate.
Goodell: You've caught on. But I need to pretend that I care so our advertisers will still treat football as the way it should be marketed to the American proletariat—violent and subliminally laced with beer commercials decreeing our New World Order.
Suh: Wait, what?
Goodell: I need to fine players like yourself and James (Harrison), in order to give off an aura of, what's the word?
Goodell: Sure. Without it, people would realize that football is getting faster and stronger and more dangerous while the equipment and sensitivity for injury is still stuck in the 1980's.
Suh: So why can't I play hard if you want to give the advertisers what the want?
Goodell: Ah, the paradox. You need to continue to head-hunt in order for me to fine you.
Suh: That's ridiculous.
Goodell: I won't actually "fine" you. No money will ever leave your account. You just have to act all pissy and maybe threaten retirement in order for the viewing public to be subdued.
Suh: You, you're a monster?
Goodell: Am I, Ndamukong? Am I not putting the consumer first?
Suh: You have no regard for life!
Goodell: (Squishes bug) Huh?
Suh: I'm gonna let people know!
Goodell: No, no you won't. (Puts neuralyzer to Suh).
SCENE 3: IN FRONT OF THRONG OF REPORTERS:
Suh (Robotically): I have gained a better understanding how I need to continue to play the game to help my team win. I look forward to the rest of the season and doing everything we can to bring the Lombardi Trophy to Detroit.
Goodell (Off to side): Excellent.
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