Kim Kardashian Divorce: 5 Reasons Her Marriage Failed

Today, Kim Kardashian surprised absolutely nobody when it was announced she will file for divorce from Kris Humphries, her husband of 72 days. 

That's right, 72 days. 

You would have been hard-pressed to find someone who thought this union was going to last more than a year, but two months is actually a little surprising. 

Their wedding special on E! just aired a couple of weeks ago, and you'd think they could at least fake it for a couple more months to save face. 

Obviously, neither of them care about looking like money grubbers, so why wait on the inevitable?

I could spend all day giving a million reasons this failed, but I've narrowed it down to the top five. 

Kim Likes Attention Way Too Much To Settle Down

Few know what happened in Kim Kardashian’s childhood to make her such a shameless attention seeker, but it must have been pretty serious. 

It’s almost as if Kim thinks she would cease from existing if she weren’t in the public spotlight for every minute of every day. 

Have you seen her Twitter account? She literally tweets every couple of hours and no less than eight or 10 times per day. That is serious dedication to the public.

This kind of sick desperation just doesn’t jive with marriage and (theoretically) kids.

It’s not like a woman has to disappear from public life after she’s married, but spending a night home with the hubby on occasion is probably expected. 

Perhaps sex without a video camera for future Internet dissemination would be nice. 

But that’s just not who Kim is. Kim is a woman who needs an entire camera crew involved every time she goes to the bathroom or buys groceries. 

The Lohans Attended the Wedding

It’s really difficult to quantify how much the Lohans' attendance at the wedding impacted the marriage, but it’s pretty safe to say it did. When these broads show up looking like the Witches of Eastwick, something bad is bound to happen.

Kim should just be thankful Michael Lohan didn’t show up, because the whole place probably would have burned to the ground.

Kim’s Family Hated Kris Humphries

I’m not going to lie—I’ve never seen a single episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. 

I didn’t even watch the horrifying wedding special, even though I was supposed to write something about it. I just read some coverage of it and worked from there. 

The one thing I read about that I wish I had actually seen was Khloe Kardashian’s hilariously mean treatment of Kris Humphries.

Not because I’m a sadist or anything, but because it sounded so ridiculous. 

During a toast at the engagement party, Khloe wished an early death (instant) on Kris, rather than waiting for the whole "till death do we part" thing to run its course. 

She also mentioned to a friend (in front of Kris) that Kim isn’t called Elizabeth Taylor just because she loves diamonds.

Elizabeth Taylor rolled over in her grave.

Who knows how much of this had to do with Kris or how much it had to do with Khloe looking like an ogre next to Kim and being jealous her entire life? 

Either way, it created some tension. Probably all phony manufactured tension to make these idiots seem more interesting, but whatever.

Kris Humphries Is a Nobody

He’s a professional athlete. I get it. In the real world, with a real girl, that would be a pretty legit thing. 

Like if you or I were dating Kris Humphries, it would probably be a pretty nice little coup.  

Compared to the level of fame Kim Kardashian has reached, a professional basketball player that isn’t Kobe Bryant or LeBron James is pretty much a nobody.

We all knew this was a ridiculous match from day one.

It Was a Money-Making Scheme

Just like everything in Kim’s life, this entire thing was a big phony production orchestrated to keep all eyes on Kim. And just like all the other phony productions in her life, it worked. 

For whatever reason, we keep watching her. We keep tuning in. It’s inexplicable. 

This whole production cost a cool $10 million and attracted tens of millions of viewers. Kim and Kris profited over $20 million from selling everything but the underwear they wore on their wedding day.

Look for their underwear on eBay within the week. 

TMZ did some of the math for us: "The couple was married on August 20 in a lavish ceremony in Montecito, CA. There are reports that the wedding cost as much as $10 mil, which means $138,888 for every day until today."

The only authentic thing Kim ever produced was a sex tape, so how about we all just buy it and watch it any time we want to look at Kim Kardashian?