Watching the National Football League on TV can be dangerous without taking the proper precautions and preparations. It is especially dangerous if you are without the necessary resources to purchase NFL Red Zone, which came into my life only two weeks ago and saved me from excess Dierdorfian tangents.
The good news is, I remember what it is like to be a casual watcher of the NFL, and hopefully the upcoming doctrine will help you to not break anything throughout the course of your day. Why is this guide necessary? I don't know, it just seemed like the right thing to do to help the readers of Bleacher Report (and to a lesser extent, me) not convulse while watching eight consecutive hours of football, something that is much harder than it sounds and really should be a form of torture for home-grown terrorists.
Why all the negativity towards non-stop football action? It can be grating, tiresome, and can make you lose correct function of your bowels. It can be fun, but a lot of time is devoted to semi-brain dead announcer drivel and Cleatus the dancing FOX football robot taking up half the screen. You need to learn how to handle all these things in stride, week by week. So here it is:
Where Is Dan Dierdorf?
The first in our "Where Is?" color commentator section, Dierdorf will be saying words during the Miami Dolphins-New York Giants game at 1 PM, on CBS. My advice to those in the respective media markets: Have a nice flashback, because extensive periods of listening to Dierdorf have been known to induce drowsiness, nostalgia to eras that never happened or weren't as good as being described, and reduced brain activity.
Is Gus Johnson Doing a Game?
No, because instead FOX has him doing college football games that no one is watching. Good usage of your valuable resources, guys!
What Should I Be Eating?
I've found guacamole with Doritos tortilla chips particularly satisfying in ruining my appetite for dinner.
Should I Watch Football At OTHER People's Homes?
This week? Sure! It is nice to get out and stretch those seldom-used legs, isn't it? I generally go over to my friend Alec's house to watch the games, although that has been paused for the past two weeks due to my sudden owning of Red Zone. I have decided to take a bye week, and attempt to assimilate back into regular society. Although, I think I am watching the slate of games where the Steelers-Patriots are playing, and Steelers games where they get destroyed generally have me in tears/throwing things/punching my hosts.
If I Had to Miss the 1 PM or 4 PM Slate, Which One Should I Miss?
Some fan you are! If you didn't do all your yard work on Saturday (like every real American should), you could probably get away with avoiding either, because both slates are so horrible this week. If I had to choose, I would say the 1 PM one, only because the Steelers-Patriots is likely the game of the week and the Lions-Broncos will lead to extensive sportswriting metaphors on Monday, and you are going to want to know what they mean.
Whose Twitter Feeds Should I Be Following?
If you are like most people, and half-watch the games/half-drool at your laptop, you should be immersing yourselves in the Twitter feeds of B/R's own Matt Miller, Dylan MacNamara, Andrea Hangst, Josh Zerkle, Michael Schottey, and Collin McCullough. From a non-B/R viewpoint, check out Will Brinson, Mobute Seso Seko, Mike Tunison, and Doug Farrar.
Oh, and me. If you get anything from this whole column, follow me.
When Is the Optimal Bathroom Break Time(s)?
2:45 and 5:17.
Should I Be Wearing a Halloween Costume During the Games?
I would advice against that, but I know Raiders fans aren't going to listen to me, so go right ahead if you really have some sensational desire to do so.
Where Is Phil Simms?
The haughty NFL aristocrat is doing the 4:15 Steelers-Patriots game on CBS, with tortured soul Jim Nantz. This game, like most that Simms unfortunately does, is the best game available during Week 8. Someone end this vicious cycle.
Is the Monday Night Game Horrible As Usual?
Yes, as the San Diego Chargers play the Kansas City Chiefs in primetime for some reason known only to ESPN executives. Someone end this vicious cycle as well.
Well, Is the Sunday Night Game Watchable at Least?
Kind of. It's the Dallas Cowboys-Philadelphia Eagles, and despite the fact that both teams usually underperform on any sort of sizable stage, it gives America a chance to bond together in contempt for both teams. It also gives Cris Collinsworth a chance to show Phil Simms how to be arrogant yet not quite hateable. Then again, 8 PM proves to be a nice time to catch up on the rest of your life after eight hours straight of football.
What Do I Do If My Dog Needs Food at Some Point?
You really should feed him.
Should I Eat?
Is There Any Other Programming On During The 1-8 PM Timeslot?
I am not sure that is actually a "timeslot", but I am sure The Exorcist will be or something. Or Halloween 12.
Will I Survive?
I'd like that.
If you any viewing questions for next week, email me: firstname.lastname@example.org. I'm out there.