Instead, I will bring forth five reasonable replacements for Lackey. I'm talking about five things that will bring the same talent, fire, energy and leadership that No. 41 brought to the Boston Red Sox this season.
It shouldn't be too difficult to find the right replacement. After all, we are talking about possibly the worst pitcher in all of baseball.
Lackey finished the season with a 6.08 ERA and an opponents batting average above .300. Let's not forget, we aren't talking about some end of the bench bum. Lackey was paid almost $16 million this past season.
I don't really blame him, though. If someone asked me to take a dump on an entire city for $16 million, I would probably do it.
With that beautiful image in mind, let's take a look at five realistic replacements for the abomination that is John Lackey.
I'm not talking about receiving a baby who happens to be crying.
No. That would be wonderful, because babies are awesome and cute.
I'm talking about receiving a baby who literally just doesn't stop crying. Crying and pooping itself. That's basically what John Lackey did this entire season. He cried his way through the year, and the only times he wasn't crying, he was pooping himself on the mound.
So yes, if there was a way for the Red Sox to grab a crying, pooping baby off of the waiver wire, it would be a terrific replacement.
If you ever wanted to know what it looked like to watch $16 million disappear, look no further than John Lackey.
The significance of this bottomless pit is two-fold:
1) The obvious correlation between Lackey and the bottomless pit is that the dude's salary is seemingly endless. The fact that the Boston Red Sox have to pay for three more years of this loser is hard to fathom.
2) The less obvious reason for the bottomless pit is that it is a perfect place for us to throw John Lackey and, in turn, make the world a better place.
I was trying to think of the laziest, ugliest being in the history of the world (besides John Lackey), and I remembered Jabba the Hut.
He's fat. He's a jerk. And to top it off, he's the biggest loser in the galaxy.
Yes, I went there.
I think I speak for all of Boston when I say that watching John Lackey pitch was like getting drilled in the rear by a colonoscopy machine.
Let me tell you, it's a feeling that lasts for quite a while.
But you know what?
I'm not sure we would rather watch him pitch then get this procedure. At least the doctor would give us morphine to dull the pain.
I apologize for the imagery, but honestly, now you know how I felt all season.
The Boston Red Sox should have put up a warning before every John Lackey start:
"BE WARNED, THE IMAGES YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE ARE NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN. ALSO, THEY MAY MAKE YOU VOMIT."
That's what they should have done. But they didn't, and now you know what it's like to be a Red Sox fan.
Imagine having to look at this for 4 1/3 innings (on a good day)?
It's disgusting, but it's also a perfectly fair compensation for the loss of John Lackey.