Lil' Wayne: Matching Weezy's Songs with Tim Tebow, Mike Vick and Other NFL Stars

Eitan Katz@@EitanKatzAnalyst IIOctober 27, 2011

Lil' Wayne: Matching Weezy's Songs with Tim Tebow, Mike Vick and Other NFL Stars

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    Lil' Wayne loves sports.

    He raps in songs that are named after sports stars ("Barry Bonds"), he writes remixes for his favorite teams ("Green and Yellow"), and he puts sports references into nearly every song he writes. The question is, which songs most represent the stars of today's NFL?

    Which song does Tim Tebow get? What about Michael Vick? Is there even space for Haloti Ngata?

    I love Lil' Wayne and I love sports, so naturally, I am going to try to fuse the two.

    Here's my attempt to bring together the songs from the "greatest rapper alive"—Weezy F Baby—and the best players from the greatest sports league in the world today—the NFL.

    *Warning: All songs are extremely dirty. Don't listen in front of your kidsor your parents.

Michael Vick, Philadelphia Eagles QB ("Got Money")

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    I think this one is pretty obvious. After being handed a ridiculous $100 million contract this offseason, Michael Vick's got money.

    The Philadelphia Eagles quarterback earned it.

    He spent more than two years in jail, lost all of his sponsorship money, and rebuilt himself into a bigger, stronger and smarter player than he was as a member of the Atlanta Falcons.

    Now, with all of this money, he can do whatever he damn pleases.

    Honorable Mention: Adam "Pacman" Jones (Make it rain ringing any bells?)

Haloti Ngata, Baltimore Ravens DL ("Drop the World")

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    Let's just put it this way—if there was one player in the NFL who could literally "pick the world up and drop it on your f&@#!& head," it would be Baltimore Ravens defensive lineman, Haloti Ngata.

    The 6'4", 330-pound (yeah right, more like 350 pound) Samoan behemoth is one of the most extraordinary athletes on the planet.

    With his size, he should be clogging running lanes and taking up double-teams.

    Instead, he flies around the field like the Energizer Bunny, sacking quarterbacks and crushing running backs, all the while obliterating anyone who stands in his path.

    Needless to say, Ngata could very well be the most dominating figure in NFL history.

    Honorable Mention: Michael Jasper (He's the fattest player in the NFL, weighing in anywhere between 370 and 450 pounds. This is not a joke.)

Peyton Manning, Indianapolis Colts QB ("A Milli")

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    Michael Vick might "got money," but if we are talking about "a milli, a milli" we better be talking about the richest player in the NFL, Peyton Manning.

    Manning, the currently-injured quarterback of the Indianapolis Colts, is worth $115 million. It's incredibly hard to research who is worth what in the NFL, but Manning seems to take the cake.

    Maybe Weezy chose the wrong profession.

    Apparently Lil' Tunechi is only worth $85 million

    Whether Manning plays again or not this season, his value is indisputable. Not only have the Colts been winless without him—they are currently 0-7—they have been putrid.

    How else can you explain the silly video game numbers that the New Orleans Saints clowned the Colts with on Sunday night's embarrassing 62-7 demolition?

    Manning may not be "tougher than Nigerian hair," but he is certainly a "young money millionaire."

    Honorable Mention: Sam Bradford (The kid locked up $50 million before his first snap!)

Rob Gronkowski, New England Patriots TE ("6 Foot 7 Foot")

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    Rob Gronkowski, the New England Patriots' massive tight end, is one of my favorite players in the NFL.

    Therefore, he gets one of my all-time favorite Lil' Wayne songs.

    When Gronk lines up, there is only one thing his defender can be thinking: "how big is this guy? 6 foot? 7 foot? 8 foot?"

    I know it makes no sense, but neither does Gronk's ability to do just about anything on a football field. 

    At 6'6", 265 pounds, he can block his defender into the dirt, grab a jump ball in the end zone, and run a perfect seam pattern. Tom Brady couldn't ask for a better target.

    Aside from the 6 foot, 7 foot comparisons, there is this video on YouTube that is inexplicably titled "Rob Gronkowski Inception" which clearly connects him to Lil' Wayne, whose "6 Foot 7 Foot" video is also Inception themed.

    Plus, after seeing this Gronk video, I wouldn't be surprised if No. 87 jams to Weezy on the weekends.

    Honorable Mention: No one. Gronk stands alone.

Tim Tebow, Denver Broncos QB ("Every Girl")

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    OK, come on. This is kind of funny. 

    I mean, Tim Tebow is saving himself for marriage, so I guess it means that he only "wishes" he can "F%&@ every girl in the world," instead of actually doing it.

    Weezy wouldn't approve.

    Honorable Mention: Rob Gronkowski (Actually, what am I saying, he probably does F%@ every girl in the world.)

    P.S. "Bed Rock" also could have worked here.

Plaxico Burress, New York Jets WR ("Mirror")

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    "Mirror on the wall, here we are again, through my rise and fall, you've been my only friend..."

    This just got very, very awkward.

    (Not) Honorable Mention: Michael Vick (Um—yeah.)

Plaxico Burress, New York Jets WR ("Always Strapped")

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    Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

    "Always strapped, when I hit the club..."

    Honorable Mention: Tank Johnson (Roger Goodell does NOT approve this message)

Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay Packers QB ("Right Above It")

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    "You know you at the top when only heaven's right above it..."

    I'm sure that's exactly how Aaron Rodgers feels right now.

    The Green Bay Packers' exceptional quarterback is basically at the top of the world right now.

    He's coming off of a Super Bowl-winning season, including a Super Bowl MVP award. This year, his Packers are a perfect 7-0, making them undefeated in their last 13 games (including playoffs).

    I would say Rodgers is flying high.

    It's also fitting that Weezy mentions doing "a quarterback draw," as Rodgers has emerged as one of the most nimble, mobile quarterbacks in the NFL. 

    Just another reason he is so damn unstoppable.

    Honorable Mention: Tom Brady (He's won three Super Bowls, two MVP awards, two Super Bowl MVP awards, is probably a top-three quarterback ever—and oh yeah, he's also MARRIED TO GISELE!)

Brett Favre, NFL Legend ("Miss Me")

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    Brett Favre, we don't miss you.

    The former Green Bay Packers legend tarnished his legacy beyond repair, especially last season as a member of the Minnesota Vikings (before he retired "for good").

    Aside from the whole ridiculous (and kind of hilarious) Jenn Sterger debacle, Favre was such an ineffective player on the field at the end. He threw just 11 touchdowns against 19 interceptions and was getting beat up every single week.

    When he collapsed in a heap during his Week 15 game against the Chicago Bears, there was a collective sigh of relief around the country as we finally had rid ourselves of the Favre stink.

    No. 4 can never get enough, though, and a return to the NFL would not be the least bit surprising.

    And let me reiterate, Brett—we don't miss you. Please stay retired. Please.

    Honorable Mention: Peyton Manning (Who may or may not have just ended his career in the middle of his prime without anybody realizing it yet.)

Tom Brady, New England Patriots QB ("3 Peat")

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    The best player in the NFL with three Super Bowl titles, Tom Brady gets the last song in this slideshow.

    Brady could have been at four (remember 2007? Me neither...), but for right now, three is all he's got.

    This season, the New England Patriots are primed for a deep playoff run, and Brady will definitely be gunning for that elusive Super Bowl win No. 4.

    In the meantime, he and Wes Welker will continue smashing record books and making it look way too easy.

    Like Weezy says, "and when SportsCenter popping, every thing stopping, but you can't fool me I know what you watching...Me! You watch me! You watch me 'cause I be Weezy [just substitute: "Brady!"], must see TV!"

    Honorable Mention: Adam Vinatieri (Bet you didn't know he's the only active NFL player with four Super Bowl rings...)