Comparing Every NFL Team to a Halloween Costume
Halloween is almost here. Personally, I'm dressing up as Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force, but I'm not an NFL team.
So, if every NFL team had to dress as something for Halloween, what would they choose? Well they can't be reached for comment, so I'm going to do the deciding for them.
Here are what I think are the most fitting costumes for every franchise:
Arizona Cardinals: Ghost
Despite making a big trade for Kevin Kolb, the Cardinals don't seem to be getting anyone's attention this season. So far, their only win is against Carolina, and Carolina has taken big steps since then in Cam Newton's development.
I think the Cardinals will stay pretty underwhelming the rest of the season too and will stay mostly unnoticed.
Atlanta Falcons: Half and Half
The Falcons can't seem to decide if they're contenders or pretenders. Sometimes they look like the real deal, while other times they look like an afterthought in a stacked NFC South.
The lockout has turned a lot of teams inconsistent, but the Falcons' highs and lows seem a little higher and a little lower than a lot of the rest of the league. For now, they're half good, half bad.
Baltimore Ravens: Cowardly Lion
The Ravens look like a powerhouse in some games, but then turn around and lose to teams like the Titans and Jaguars.
The Ravens are good; after spanking powerhouses like the Steelers, the Jets and the Texans, no one can deny that. However, they keep dropping games to teams that they should be beating into a pulp.
They're cowardly lions.
Buffalo Bills: Ninja
No one saw the Bills coming this year, but they've got a high powered, fast offense that is finally doing what Chan Gailey wants out of them.
Whether they're for real or not, they're still way better than anyone expected, and they snuck up on everyone...like a ninja.
Carolina Panthers: Captain Marvel
In college ball, Cam Newton was capable of winning entire games by himself. At the Pro level, he is nearly capable of doing the same.
It's like Newton just said a magic word and all of a sudden turned into a Pro quarterback overnight (if you don't get that reference, Google it).
The Panthers have a lot to be optimistic about, they aren't Supermen yet, but Newton has them one player closer.
Chicago Bears: Aqua Man
Why Aqua Man? He's one of the key figures in the Justice League, but at best, he's third fiddle. Superman (Green Bay) and Batman (Detroit) are the real leaders.
Aqua Man (Chicago) is a force to be reckoned with, but next to those around him, he's the little brother.
Chicago is very good, yet again, this year. But they're being outclassed by two other teams in their division, and they may not make the playoffs because of it.
Cincinnati Bengals: Burglar
They just got a first and (at least) a second round pick for their retired quarterback. That's a steal if ever there was one.
The Bengals are a team in rebuild. They're pretty good already, but they're still at least a year off from being Super Bowl contenders, and so making out like bandits on the Carson Palmer trade will keep them going in the right direction.
The Bengals ought to be charged with larceny.
Cleveland Browns: Wicked Witch
The Madden Curse strikes again.
Peyton Hillis has been shut down mostly this season, but he's also missed time due to sickness. How often does that happen?
It's the curse I tell ya.
Dallas Cowboys: Puzzle Piece
The Cowboys are oozing talent at many positions. DeMarcus Ware, Doug Free, DeMarco Murray, Dez Bryant, etc.
However, they just can't seem to get those pieces to all come together. They're 3-3 with losses to tough teams (the Jets, Lions and Patriots), but they need to put it all together if they want to win big.
Denver Broncos: Gypsy
No one knows what the future is for the Broncos. Is Tim Tebow the quarterback of the future?
He certainly looks like it sometimes, and he found a way to win against Miami.
On the other hand, he mostly looked like a flop at quarterback and didn't even up the score on the Dolphins until the very last second.
Detroit Lions: Pigpen
I love watching the Lions play, but their defense plays a little dirty. Between Cliff Avril and Ndamukong Suh putting in late hits and taunting an injured quarterback, to drafting yet, another defensive tackle with a reputation for being dirty, to their head coach nearly throwing down with Jim Harbaugh, the Lions look dirty.
Now I love watching them because, like my high school defensive line coach said "Football is a violent sport played by violent men." Their defense goes into the play planning to hit people and that's exactly what they do.
Still, most people see them as a dirty franchise. Why not embrace it for Halloween?
Green Bay Packers: Superman
They won the Super Bowl even with a laundry list of injured players. Halfway through the season, they're still undefeated and they look just as good as ever.
They're the best around. It's as simple as that.
Houston Texans: King
After they blew out the Tennessee Titans 41-7 in Nashville, it seems like it might be time to go ahead and crown the next division champion of the AFC South.
It might be too early to say that they've clenched the division, but if I were a gambling man, I'd feel pretty safe making that bet at this point.
Indianapolis Colts: Horseshoe
Not, not because it's their team logo.
The Colts are historically bad this year and Peyton Manning may never play at a high level again. If the Colts want to contend for the playoffs like the used to, they might need a little Luck (Andrew Luck that is) to rebuild.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Juggernaut
Maurice Jones-Drew seems to be practically unstoppable.
He's rushed for 677 yards so far this season and that is after coming off of a knee injury. A large part of those yards came between the tackles as well.
Jones-Drew is still proving that he's one of the most powerful runners in the NFL, even if the rest of the team is pretty bad.
Kansas City Chiefs: Doctor
With Eric Berry and Jamaal Charles both out for the year with an injury, and rookie Jonathan Baldwin just now getting playing time because of...you guessed it, injury, the Chiefs need some medical help.
They won the division last year and their corners are still playing very well, but not having their best offensive player and one of their brightest young stars is really hurting them.
Miami Dolphins: Paper Bag
The Dolphins are terrible. Historically terrible.
This is what all their fans are wearing anyway, so they may as well match.
Minnesota Vikings: Epimetheus
Prometheus brought fire to the humans from the Gods.
Epimetheus was his brother. His name means "afterthought."
New England Patriots: Dracula
The Patriots are very good this year, and a well done Dracula costume is still a great costume.
However, New England's defense has emerged as one of the worst defenses in the entire league, and the Patriots just aren't as good as they were a few years ago; just like how Twilight and True Blood and Harry Potter (probably) have made dressing as Dracula for Halloween way less appealing.
Still a great franchise, but not as good as they used to be, just like Dracula.
New Orleans Saints: Wheelchair
Other than the loss to reigning Super Bowl champs, the Green Bay Packers, the only loss the Saints have is to the Buccaneers. If you ask me, they lost that game because head coach Sean Payton left the game with a broken leg.
They ought to have wheelchairs on standby to make sure he can keep coaching next time.
New York Giants: Sherlock Holmes
The NFC East is a mystery right now. The Eagles were falling flat at the start, but have done better recently, the Redskins look like they might be contenders if they can keep Grossman from turning into Sexy Rexy, and the Cowboys are just a mess.
That leaves the Giants as the favorites? They did knock off the Eagles and Bills, but they also lost games to the Redskins and Seahawks. The Seahawks!
No one knows what's going to happen in the NFC East, but right now, the Giants seem like the team in the best position to solve that riddle for us.
New York Jets: A Foot
Come on. You know it would be funny.
Oakland Raiders: Dice
By trading away so much for Carson Palmer, the Raiders are taking a big gamble.
They didn't have a first round pick in 2011. They now won't have a pick in the first three rounds of the 2012 draft and won't have a second (or maybe first) round pick in 2013. All of that combined will drastically hamper their ability to reload.
They're apparently going for broke with Carson Palmer. I didn't think it was a wise gamble, but then again, I don't get paid millions of dollars to do these things, so maybe they know what they're doing.
Philadelphia Eagles: Green Man
Philadelphia had a slow start but they can improve and still make the playoffs.
Green Man from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia started out as a one-time thing, but has since become a phenomenon.
Maybe the Eagles can channel some of that energy from Green Man and be the Dream Team that they were supposed to be.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Mummy
The Steelers looked old, slow and dead on both offense and defense at the start of the season. They got smoked by the Ravens, barely beat the Colts and dropped a game to the Texans.
They looked like they were done, but suddenly, they're back from the dead and are rolling again.
The fact that Big Ben is pretty consistently wrapped in bandages helps the metaphor too.
San Diego Chargers: The Incredible Hulk
The Chargers usually either start strong and finish weak or start weak and finish strong. They look like the Incredible Hulk when they're playing well, but eventually, they turn back into the wimpy scientist.
Hopefully they can keep up the good work so far this season and keep playing well, or they might just find themselves in the hunt for a new head coach.
San Francisco 49ers: Joe Montana
As well as Harbaugh has Alex Smith, and the 49ers as a whole playing this year, they must be channeling Joe Montana.
Might as well do it openly on Halloween.
Seattle Seahawks: A Trojan
Pete Carroll had a lot better run as a college coach than he's had so far in the NFL.
I bet he misses those days right about now.
St. Louis Rams: Catcher's Mitt
The Rams have a lot of injuries, but another problem they're having is that they just don't have any receivers. The Rams were one of the league's biggest surprises last season, but this year, everyone is surprised by just how bad they've become.
Bradford is a great young quarterback, he just needs someone who can catch a ball to help him out.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Creature from the Black Lagoon
Does anyone know what the Creature from the Black Lagoon is, really? I mean, has anyone less than 70 years old even seen that movie?
I'm pretty sure it's the only one to not get picked up for a remake.
I think he's a fish-man, and if you visit the Black Lagoon (why would you visit a place called the Black Lagoon?), he'll get you with his...fishiness.
Just like the Creature, I have no clue what is supposed to be going on with the Buccaneers. Are they good? They did beat the Saints and the Falcons, after all.
Then again, they laid an egg against the 49ers and lost to the Bears. No clue what's going on in Tampa.
Tennessee Titans: Zombie
Note: The Titans are the old Romero zombies, not the new, fast zombies from the Dawn of the Dead remake or 28 Days Later.
The Tennessee Titans, the team that employs the fastest man in professional football, are last in the league in rushing.
Like the Romero zombies, Chris Johnson seems to just be plodding along, not going anywhere in any particular hurry. That's something they'll need to fix if they want to get somewhere this season (like the playoffs).
Washington Redskins: Werewolf
Rex Grossman started the year off very impressively, but since then he seems to have transformed back into the Sexy Rexy everyone knew.
If the Redskins can keep those transformations under control, then maybe they'll have a chance to win the unusually weak NFC East this season. If they can't, well then they better warm up to the idea of being basement dwellers again.