Comparing Every MLB Team to a Brand of Beer
There may not be a more patriotic combination of sport and food than baseball and beer. America's pastime was one that was meant to be enjoyed with a brew in your hand, and baseball stadiums rely on beer sales as a staple of business.
Of course, we all know that baseball players often are avid beer drinkers (just ask the Red Sox pitching staff). The roots of this beverage in baseball run deep. That said, I was tasked with comparing each MLB team to a beer. This should be fun.
Oh, did I mention I'm not 21 yet?
Without further ado, here is every MLB team's beer counterpart.
Arizona Diamondbacks: Beck's Premier Light
I looked at many lists to create this article. But on BroBible's list of the five best beers, Beck's Premier Light was ranked second. Surprised? I was too.
That's how any baseball fan felt about the Arizona Diamondbacks this year—very surprised. The team sneaked up on the NL West and stole the division. Now, they will demand respect as one of the top teams.
Atlanta Braves: Red Stripe
Ah, Red Stripe. It's a decent beer—not too bad but definitely not elite. But why the comparison to the Braves?
Well, I'm sure Braves fans would love to put a big red stripe through this season. Holding a large lead in September, the Braves collapsed and missed the playoffs.
But hey, at least they didn't eat fried chicken and beer in the clubhouse.
Baltimore Orioles: Genny Light
Just like the Baltimore Orioles, Genny is always awful.
Boston Red Sox: Samuel Adams
Hey, what isn't patriotic about the Red Sox? They're always good, even if they don't always play well in September. They wear the red, white and blue. And best of all, they shamelessly enjoy their beer and fried chicken. What patriotic fellows.
Sam Adams seems to be the official beer of Boston, and it's a good beer with a lot of varieties. The Red Sox have a lot of varieties too, as they can go from World Series favorites to third place in one month.
Chicago Cubs: Bud Light
We all know about Bud Light. It tries really hard to become the most popular beer, but everyone knows that it will never be the best.
While it hasn't taken Bud Light 103 years and counting to reach the top, it still hasn't gotten there. Bud Light's subpar taste will hold it back from greatness.
But hey, who am I kidding? Let's grab some brews and watch the Cubs from the bleachers. No one really cares if they win, anyway.
Chicago White Sox: Amstel Light
With Amstel and the White Sox, it is all about tradition. The White Sox are one of the oldest teams in baseball, while the Amstel Brewery is one of the oldest major breweries, founded in 1870.
Through the years, both the beer and the franchise commanded respect, if for nothing else than their tradition. However, they both can be good or bad depending on how tastes fluctuate throughout the years.
Cincinnati Reds: Yuengling
As America's oldest brewery, Yuengling fits well as the counterpart to America's oldest baseball team, the Cincinnati Reds. Although Yuengling isn't the best beer, it can really surprise you sometimes, much like the team did last year.
But it is a staple of domestic beer, and it will be a respected brand as long as it is around.
Cleveland Indians: Great Lakes
The main reason for this choice was that Great Lakes Brewery is located right in Cleveland. But beyond that, you have one more similarity—name recognition.
Go ahead, name more than five players on the Indians.
In the same vein, try and name some varieties of Great Lakes beer.
Didn't think so.
Colorado Rockies: Coors
This one is pretty self-explanatory. The team that plays in Coors Field certainly deserves to be mentioned with Coors beer.
However, the comparison goes beyond the stadium naming rights. The Rockies are like the opposite of Coors—just like in September of 2009, the hotter they are, the better.
Detroit Tigers: Pabst Blue Ribbon
Just like PBR, the Tigers have been around a very long time, and though they haven't always been at the top of the world, they are a respected establishment.
Pabst Blue Ribbon is a traditionalist's beer—nothing fancy, just a nice, smooth, hoppy taste. The Tigers are not fancy either. They are merely a collection of hard-nosed guys wanting to win games.
Houston Astros: Natty Light
Awful. Just absolutely awful.
Kansas City Royals: Surly Four
Ever heard of this one? Neither had I.
However, this beer was named the best new beer by Paste magazine, and that made me think of the Royals. It's a beer of the future. It might not succeed in the long run, but there will be hype for good reason.
The Royals have a lot of great prospects, and their future looks bright—just like Surly Four beer.
Los Angeles Angels: Michelob Ultra
Michelob Ultra is a very solid beer. For a light beer, it has good taste. The Angels are similar in that they are a good team year in and year out. They may not always be considered elite, but they will be considered a good team.
However, Mich Ultra is light, which puts it a step below the true giants of beer. The Angels are also a step below the heavyweights of baseball.
Los Angeles Dodgers: Heineken
Just like the Dodgers, Heineken has been around a long time, and has long been a standard of great quality. Recently, though, it seems to have been pushed aside by some of the other prominent brands such as Budweiser and Guinness.
Still, people appreciate Heineken for its traditional greatness. Soon, it will return to glory.
One difference: Heineken is not owned by a crazy divorcee.
Miami Marlins: Land Shark
The former Florida Marlins used to play in Landshark Stadium, and the Jimmy Buffett ties make this a logical choice to tie together the Marlins and Land Shark Lager.
The beer has a very tropical feel—hell, it even has palm trees in the background of the logo. Because of that, the Marlins may find lots of similarities with this beer.
Milwaukee Brewers: Miller Genuine Draft Light
Why so specific?
Well, for one, the Miller connection is pretty obvious. The beer is brewed in Milwaukee.
But the Genuine Draft Light part is because, like the beer, the Brew Crew can moonlight as a great beer, but in the end, it's still light. They will never be able to consistently make the playoffs, but at times, they can be very good.
Minnesota Twins: Icehouse
Wouldn't this be a cool nickname for Target Field in October?
"Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Icehouse, home of your Minnesota Twins!"
That's pretty much all I've got.
It's cold in Minnesota; Icehouse connotes cold. Voila.
Oh yeah, and both the Twins and this beer suck.
New York Mets: Bud Light Lime
When Bud Light Lime was rolled out, a lot of people scratched their heads. But in reality, it was good for the company—a fresh start in a new direction.
The Mets are a team with a new stadium and a new direction. Without Carlos Beltran and, soon, Jose Reyes, this team will look different.
They won't come close to their parent company (see next slide), but it will be interesting to see how the Mets progress.
New York Yankees: Budweiser
You saw this one coming, didn't you?
The Yankees are the undisputed kings of baseball, with 27 World Series rings, a sky-high payroll and a penchant for always being competitive.
Of course, they're not always the best, but neither is Budweiser. That doesn't change that it is the king of beers. It dominates the market and has a great, deep-rooted tradition.
Oakland Athletics: Schlitz
Once one of the proudest beers in the world, Schlitz saw its brand fall off in the past few decades. The Athletics, formerly of Kansas City and Philadelphia, once knew what the top felt like. But recently, the A's have struggled to succeed.
Schlitz has made a comeback effort in recent years, something that the A's will hope to mimic before their team hits rock bottom. If they remember what made them once great, they can reach those heights again.
Philadelphia Phillies: Guinness
Just like Guinness, the Phillies are very popular and hyped. If you say you are the best, you have to be the best. However, both the beer and the baseball team fall a bit short.
While the Phillies looked unbeatable on paper, they couldn't make it out of the first round of the playoffs. And while Guinness' dark, filling taste seems attractive, good luck having more than a few at a time. They're great to enjoy at times, but they just don't quite live up to the hype.
Pittsburgh Pirates: Big Flats
I hadn't really heard of Big Flats, but then I came across its origins—Walgreens. So I thought to myself, "What baseball team would release its own crappy beer?"
Years of futility in Pittsburgh have amounted to cheap tickets that will, ultimately, leave you unsatisfied. Big Flats is cheap and will surely make you want to vomit the 50 cents a can you spent back out.
San Diego Padres: MGD 64 Lemonade
An identity crisis.
A misguided idea.
A full-blown disaster.
Am I talking about MGD 64 Lemonade or the Padres?
How about both?
San Francisco Giants: Dos Equis
It's simple—the San Francisco Giants are the most interesting team in the majors.
Dos Equis' spokesman is the most interesting man in the world.
This is almost exclusively due to the fact that Brian Wilson plays for the Giants, but beyond that, there are many factors that make the Giants interesting.
On second thought, Brian Wilson is good enough.
Seattle Mariners: Smirnoff Ice
Ah, Smirnoff Ice. The official beer of 100-pound girls everywhere.
Actually, there is a reason I chose to compare this beer (it is a beer, right?) and the Mariners is that they are both missing something—masculinity.
What about the Mariners isn't masculine? Well, we associate power with masculinity, right? And we can all agree that the Mariners don't exactly have an abundance of good bats.
So the conclusion here is that if the Mariners added bats, they could be respectable. If Smirnoff added, well, anything except fruit flavors, it too would be respected.
St. Louis Cardinals: Busch
This one is too easy.
Although I think the Cardinals are a better baseball team than Busch is a beer.
Tampa Bay Rays: Stella Artois
Just like Tropicana Field, this glass of Stella Artois is half-empty. And it's a shame, because the product inside the glass is very good.
Stella is an under-appreciated beer, but it has a terrific taste. In fact, it could be considered one of the best beers nationally available. But it's a shame, because for some reason, Stella isn't too popular of a beer.
The exact same could be said about the Rays.
Texas Rangers: Corona
When you watch the Rangers, it's easy to tell that they play relaxed. The players and manager Ron Washington are a loose group, which makes them easy to associate with the official beer of relaxation, Corona.
Though I don't exactly want to picture Mike Napoli and Derek Holland sitting on a beach, the demeanor of the team gives you the idea that their beer of choice is this smooth classic.
Toronto Blue Jays: Labatt Blue
Rumor has it that there is a major league baseball team in Canada.
Confirmation is pending, but if that is indeed true, then I have found the perfect beer for them—the official beer of Canada, Labatt Blue. Although we all know that the only sport Canada plays is hockey, we can at least pretend that there is a baseball team there.
Just kidding, Canada. We love the Blue Jays just like any other team.
Washington Nationals: 7-Eleven Game Day Light
When going on a beer run, you get to your local 7-Eleven. You see that they are out of every kind of beer except for this, their house beer "Game Day." What should you do?
You're a Nationals fan. Your team sucks, but you know that help is on the way in the form of Strasburg and Harper.
What do you do?