Most Irrelevant Passing Quarterback
One of the better teams in the rough-and-tumble MEAC, 8-3 Bethune-Cookman features a one-dimensional offense that takes pride in rendering passing the ball completely useless. Despite the predictability, the Wildcats ranked first in the conference in rushing yards per game (217.6) and third in points (25.6).
It’s unclear whether Bethune-Cookman’s propensity for keeping the ball on the ground is by design or merely a byproduct of having one of the nation’s most inept quarterbacks. But there’s no denying the idea that the Wildcats' offensive staff hasn’t exactly been forcing its signal-callers to throw balls through a swinging tire.
Senior starter McKinson Souverain (perhaps the coolest name in college football) completed a paltry 42.7 percent of his 75 pass attempts for a blistering 515 yards, three TDs, and two interceptions. Interestingly enough, Souverain, who somehow managed a 108.2 passer rating in ‘08, is Bethune-Cookman’s second-leading rusher, with 565 yards and 10 touchdowns.
Most Likely to File a Restraining Order Against Mark May
A little backstory: Mark May is an egotistical college football analyst for the Eastern Seaboard Prejudice Network and a former standout offensive tackle at the University of Pittsburgh, where he won the coveted Outland Trophy in 1980.
If you have ever been able to stomach his analysis for more than five minutes, you’re probably already aware of May’s boyish infatuation with the members of USC’s gangbuster defense, especially its senior leaders.
As far as the 49-year-old May is concerned, he’d much rather spend his off days rubbing Icy Hot on linebacker Brian Cushing’s inner thigh than continue to argue the decrepit nature of the Notre Dame program with Lou Holtz.
And I’m not just talking to you, Cushing. Rey Maualuga, you’re second on the list, buddy. I hear May likes the artistry of all those tribal tats.
Most Likely to Let Losing a National Championship Bid and the Heisman Trophy in a One-Week Period Stand in His Way of Millions of Dollars
Coincidentally, this superlative belongs to the only underclassman on the list. Even if you don’t follow the process of elimination, which, in this case, doesn’t exist, you can still deduce that I’m talking about poor ol' Colt McCoy.
Not only did Texas’ junior quarterback get victimized by Big 12 officials and their inexcusably fascist tiebreaker policies that may have cost the Longhorns a national title, he was forced to sit idly by at home while his two biggest Heisman threats lit it up in their respective conference championships. Ouch!
For months, McCoy has declared and then rescinded announcements that he is making the leap to the NFL, finally stating on Dec. 8 he will be returning for his final year to make another run at a national championship.
Though some are calling him a first-day pick, which would mean a healthy signing bonus, McCoy seems content on risking injury and putting his pro career on hold for sake of giving safety Blake Gideon a chance to not totally f#%@ his season in ‘09.
Make sure to check out Ryan's personal blog, Citizen Fall, as well as his coverage of the Missouri Tigers at Examiner.
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