Kim Kardashian, Kris Humphries Divorce: The Juiciest Rumors Around the Web

Timothy RappFeatured ColumnistOctober 20, 2011

MONACO - MAY 27:  Kim Kardashian (L) and Kris Humphries (R) arrive to attend the AmberLounge Fashion Monaco 2011 on May 27, 2011 in Monaco.  (Photo by Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images)
Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images

You guys, things are looking bleak. The Internet is rife—yes, RIFE—with rumors that Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries might be breaking up. And this simply can't happen.

Because if this happens, Kardashian won't officially be a sports WAG. And it's really, really important to me that she remain a sports WAG.

So what are they saying out there in the digital wasteland of a rumor mill that is the Internet? I thought you'd never ask.

We start with the Daily Mail:

And despite newlyweds Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries stepping out for a double date last night, sources claim the couple are already heading for divorce.

A source close to the couple has told MailOnline: "I don't know when they'll announce the split or why they got married in the first place but they are done. They are divorcing. Kim has been staying in a New York hotel which Kris has failed to visit."

They got married because they were in lust, you nasty anonymous source. Beautiful, magical lust.

And Star Magazine (via the New York Post) is all over the divorce tip:

Star reports that Kardashian may have already consulted a "top divorce lawyer," as she was spotted on said lawyer's floor in a New York office building. The magazine claims that Kardashian is fed up with Humphries' partying while he is out of a job thanks to the NBA lockout. It reported that Humphries has been spotted partying in both Miami and New York without Kim, getting flirty with multiple women and "acting like a single man."

Thank god Kim didn't settle for some second-rate divorce lawyer—she's so much better than that.

I need more info. We turn to Yahoo!, who turned to Dorothy Cascerceri of In Touch for her perspective on the marriage.

Kim and Kris have rarely spent time together since they got married two months ago. She's constantly working, jetting off to exotic locations like Dubai and filming her reality show, "Kourtney & Kim Take New York"—all without Kris. Sources say Kris feels like she's way too busy for him, so he's been putting all of his free time to other use. 

"Other use," huh? So that's what they are calling it these days. Cascerceri also said the pair are allegedly "icy" and "cold" to each other.

This doesn't sound good, guys.

But let's try to keep things in perspective. After all, Kim still has fans in high places. What does Barack Obama think of the Kardashians? The First Lady answered that question for iVillage:

"Barack really thinks some of the Kardashians—when they watch that stuff—he doesn't like that as much," said the First Lady, "but I sort of feel like if we're talking about it and I'm more concerned with how they take it in—what did you learn when you watched that. And if they're learning the right lessons, like, that was crazy, then I'm like, okay."

Maybe Obama shouldn't let his girls watch Kris Humphries play basketball either, since Kris is obviously (Note: It's actually not obvious, it's just a rumor) stepping out on his woman. This is what Life & Style have to say about that:

While Kim was heading back from a six-day work trip in the United Arab Emirates, Kris was out partying at three different NYC hot spots including Lavo and Avenue. Even more shocking, after leaving Avenue, he barreled into 1Oak in the early-morning hours hand in hand with a mystery blonde (whom an insider says is a friend of Kris' sister, Kaela).

This might explain why Kris was seen leaving their apartment with boxes. If the following from the New York Post is true, America's dream couple may truly be over:

Is it over? Kris Humphries leaves his and Kim Kardashian’s Manhattan hotel clutching boxes and wearing no wedding ring, amid reports of trouble in their marriage. Today is Kim’s 31st birthday, and Kris was seen moving out with boxes and bags late yesterday afternoon while speculation swirled about their two-month marriage.

But what if we're all making too big a fuss about all of this? What if—and this is about to be conspiracy talk, so get into your best Oliver Stone mindset—people have just been throwing around rumors because it generates attention for their publication? (Can you imagine someone doing such a thing?) Thankfully, TMZ can clear everything up:

Multiple sources who are extremely close to the couple tell us they were simply getting some boxes together for the newlyweds' big move back to L.A.... together.

The couple had been living out of NYC's swagtastic Gansevoort Hotel for a couple months while Kim shot her new reality show "Kim and Kourtney Take New York"—and yesterday, it was finally time to move out.

You guys, the story keeps changing. I don't know what to believe! Until then, we should all try to exploit—er, enjoy—their marriage while it lasts.