NFL Red Zone Needs To Be Owned by Every Household in America

Brendan O'Hare@brendohareContributor IOctober 17, 2011

ARLINGTON, TX - OCTOBER 02:   Tony Romo #9 of the Dallas Cowboys leads the Cowboys in the red zone against the Detroit Lions at Cowboys Stadium on October 2, 2011 in Arlington, Texas.  (Photo by Tom Pennington/Getty Images)
Tom Pennington/Getty Images

I am not a huge fan of articles subtlety laced with cross-promotional palavers. BUT OMG IS NFL RED ZONE THE GREATEST CREATION MAN HAS EVER ASSEMBLED.

I only bring this outdated topic (Red Zone had its inception three years ago, so naturally I was only aware of its existence through my cable provider just recently) up because I now own NFL Red Zone and all of its brilliant idiosyncrasies for $50 a year. It was bought as a supplement to my NFL writings hear at Bleacher Report, so no longer would I be half-assing columns I cared and knew little about. I now know what I am somewhat talking about, so let there be pie and cake aplenty.

Some of you may be wondering just what exactly Red Zone, and why am I babbling incoherently about a television channel. Others may be in stone-cold silence marveling in bemused disapproval about the fact that I, a "football writer," took three years to get a product considered the universal remote of the industry. Read on, however, as I have things to say.

I am not sure who is the creator of "NFL Red Zone," but I am going to assume it's the NFL or Jesus or Superman. Whoever it was, bravo. You have created a Sunday vortex that I will never get out of, due to the sensationalist need to see EVERY TOUCHDOWN AS THEY HAPPEN. God forbid I miss Ahmad Bradshaw score on a one-yard counter, or else, there will be hell to pay.

If you are one of those losers without Red Zone, you need to get it now. I'll give you 15 minutes.

Good, you're back. Here are a few things you need to look out for with "Red Zone," things that are not in the omnipresent commercials with incessant touchdowns:

  • Scott Hanson, the guy who runs it, is some kind of brilliant ubiquitous superhuman carved out of the finest metal (bronze?). He is great at doing everything Red Zone is about: effortlessly switching from game to game without any regard for human life or limb. I tweeted Hanson my regards last night, and as he responds to basically ANYONE who tweets him, he responded back: : always love hearing that. Hope you're with us for the rest of the year, Brendan!
  • I will be Scott, don't worry!
  • Sometimes, more than one game is shown at once. Four games were shown at once at one point, and I blacked out for 15 minutes. Don't you ever do that again, Scott! I need a warning! I can't just jump into that out of nowhere! I am nothing but a clueless novice, whose mouth probably would have began foaming if two games were shown.
  • The 1 PM start of Red Zone, is the best part, mainly because they show basically every kickoff, back-to-back-to-back-to-back. Yes, there were four touchbacks.
  • Every scoring play in the NFL is a one-yard run, as I found out.
  • No quarterback can complete a pass, and first-quarter penalties are apparently encouraged.
  • Do not eat while watching Red Zone, because you can actually lose control of your bowels at any point.
  • Also, there are no commercials, so be prepared to sit with a full bladder for eight hours. I did, and now, my stomach makes this clicking noise. I'm sure I'm fine.
  • After hour three, all the games begin to turn into one game. By 3:30, the offensive and defensive lines are no longer seen. By 3:45, your cerebral cortex begins to shut down. By 4:00, you finally get adjusted to the onslaught of FOOTBALL, but it may be too late.

I liked Red Zone. I really did. This feels so cheap demoting my valuable column time to a promotion of a product, but I want everyone to know that Red Zone is a revolutionary thing that any football should subject themselves to. I just wanna go to the rooftops and scream, "I love my best friend, Red Zone."