Fornicating Hawkeyes Consummate Win in Metrodome Restroom
Tonight is no time to focus on the Iowa Hawkeye basketball team dropping two of its last three games. We at the Iowa Hawk Blog will instead spend our time investigating a more pressing issue…Hawkeye sex in a Metrodome restroom.
Although the story of Lois Feldman and Ross Walsh's Metrodome tryst may be yesterday's news, the aftermath has proven to be priceless.
A security guard tipped off University of Minnesota police as a crowd of intoxicated fans gathered in the restroom to heckle Mr. Walsh’s haphazard performance. When will the cell phone video of this be posted to YouTube? Inquiring Hawkeye fans want to know.
Feldman, a married mother of three, initially gave police a fake name and had to be identified by her husband before being released. The Carroll, Iowa, native said she'd had so much wine before kickoff, that she doesn't remember walking into a men's restroom, the man she had sex with in a stall, or the police opening the door.
"I don't know who this man is," she said Wednesday. "I just found out his name in the paper last night."
We can’t make this stuff up!
Feldman said she was fired Wednesday morning from an assisted living center where she had been an administrator. She said her husband, Kelly, has been supportive. According to Feldman, her husband faults himself for not going with her when she left her seat to use the restroom before halftime.
Editor's Tip: Fellas, never let your woman use the restroom alone…you never know when she’ll end up getting a rear admiral against a cinder-block restroom wall. It is not her fault—it’s a compulsion. Lesson learned.
In a related story, Viagra sales at the Carroll Assisted Living Facility’s pharmacy have dropped by 84 percent. Male residents are protesting Feldman's firing, saying the termination was “without cause."
Details about Ross Walsh have been slower to emerge. It can be said many of us were very disappointed when Ross’ name was released. At least 80 percent of male Hawkeye fans whole-heartedly believed they would hear the name of one of their buddies when the police report came out.
It is safe to say most (if not all) were disappointed.
We now know that Ross is a resident of Linden, Iowa. He was attending the game with his girlfriend. After viewing his outdated MySpace page, we were as surprised as you are to hear he had a girlfriend (excluding Feldman). What a player.
In our constant quest for the truth, we have done our research and come up with our own theory as to the real story surrounding the incident. The following is our account of what may have transpired leading up to the bathroom debauchery.
Sometime in early 2007, Mr. Walsh was not exactly "scoring" with the females at his local Linden watering hole. Something about his affinity for boxed wines and incessant quoting of the movie Sideways had turned the Linden ladies against him.
He decided to put up a MySpace page to increase his odds of landing his first date. Ross thinks his best bet is to post primarily inebriated photos of himself in his finest Hawkeye apparel. Residing in Cyclone Country, his attempt failed miserably.
By February he realized that MySpace was not getting him the response he expected (or any response for that matter). He then created an account with BuckFuddiez.com to find himself local ladies looking to party. Enter Lois Feldman.
Mrs. Feldman was growing weary from the daily diaper-changing drudgery of her job at the nursing home. She would constantly question whether she got married too young, and sometimes felt younger than the three kids she was raising. She knew she could run wild on soft husband Kelly with little or no consequence. In a random act of defiance, she jumped on the work computer and created a BuckFuddiez account.
The stage was set.
In an attempt to look more metropolitan, both Feldman and Walsh listed their city of residence as Des Moines. Upon chatting, they realized they lived a mere 63 miles from one another.
Lois was swept off her feet by Ross' perfect timing and delivery of “You Might Be a Redneck” jokes. She laid awake at night thinking, “Where did he learn to stamp homemade soap so perfectly?”
They decided to meet at the Coon Rapids Super 8 to express their growing passions.
Upon arrival, Lois was sorely disappointed to realize Mr. Walsh looked nothing like the Brad Pitt Fight Club photo he submitted to BuckFuddiez. She had been scammed worse than the time she thought she won the Nigerian Lottery.
The realization hit Mrs. Feldman hard that she had spent $48 to fill up the minivan for the trip. Lois wanted to get her money worth and decided to overlook the deceit. She reluctantly kicked off her yellow Crocs and climbed onto the chaw-stained polyester bedspread.
Ross broke out the Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill and nature took its course.
Although sorely disappointed with his performance, Lois begrudgingly agreed to take Ross' number. They continued to meet whenever Feldman got to the point she could not administer one more Viagra "efficiency" test at the home.
“Those guys will promise anything just to get a peek,” she would tell herself. “I still have not gotten that ’88 Impala I was promised by Mr. Parker.”
Both Lois and Ross giggle with anticipation upon learning they will both be taking their annual vacation in The Land of 10,000 Lakes.
Simulated game day text conversation:
Ross (11:08AM): Did you get the box of Franzia I sent to your work?
Lois (12:32PM): Just cracked it open and its gr8.
Ross (1:16PM): That stuff is pricey, but its one of my favorites. Save me some.
Ross (2:12PM): The faintest soupcon of asparagus and just a flutter of nutty Edam cheese.
Lois (4:16PM): I polishd off the box at the tailgte prty. Kelly thout it was from a pateint. LOL
Ross (5:43PM): I wish Linden girls knew good wine.
Lois (6:48PM): Im in secton 56G. Whre r u? Going 2 puke. Meet me at sectin 56 shitter- brng hot dog im hngry.
The couple subsequently met up in the restroom and the rest is (well-publicized) history. Although completely based on Ketel-One-inspired speculation, that is the Iowa Hawk Blog account of what happened leading up to Ross’ lackluster restroom performance.
Feel free to comment with your own theories!
**Although the accounts of the arrest of Hawkeye Fans Lois Feldman and Ross Walsh for having sex in a Metrodome restroom are based on published facts, all accounts of events surrounding the arrest were completely fabricated for comedic purposes. They are purely the opinions of the editors of the Iowa Hawk Blog, and have no real basis in reality. **
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