Be Like Mike: An Open Letter to Mr. Dunleavy, Jr.

Bleacher ReportCorrespondent IDecember 3, 2008

Mike Dunleavy Jr.

C/O Indianapolis Pacers

125 S. Pennsylvania Street

Indianapolis, IN 46204

Hi Mr. Dunleavy Jr.,

My name is Charlie and I'm from Fort Wayne, IN. I'm almost 12 Years old, and I'm your biggest fan.

Mike, the thing is your not playing in any games and you didn't even tell me before the season started that you weren't planning on playing.

When I'm on the basketball court, I'm always Mike Dunleavy Jr. I've been working on my face up, and back to the basket game. I've got a sweet as sugar jumper too, Mike.

Mike when I'm you. the black kids who can dribble-drive don't make fun of the pale white kid because they know they can kick it out and I'll nail it Mike—I'll nail it, just like you, Mike!

Mike, I'm just a kid from Indiana. I can't relate to any of the NBA stars. None of them look like me, at all. I mean there's Steve Blake, but what kind of idiot shaves their head, Mike? White kids look retarded when they shave their heads and I'd rather not have a nickname like white chocolate, or snowflake, or white Nesquik.

Mike, I hope you don't expect me to look up to those euro-trashers! Dad says Nowitzki is a crout, and Kirilenko is a commie. Those Gasol brothers look crazy, and I cant chant "USA, USA, USA" when they get the ball, Mike. I'm an American! McCain would have changed this Mike, and lowered your taxes.

I really like Steve Nash's game though, Mike. He's just so cool—I'm not cool, Mike. I'm a loser, I bet Steve Nash gets laid a lot. I haven't even seen a boob. Steve Nash has long flowing locks, I have dirty raggedy hair. I cant look up to Steve Nash, the Canadian kid already claimed him anyways.

Mike to be honest, you sort of remind me of my family. You're just a man, and if you end up getting hammered drunk and spending all of your money on booze instead of electricity and water; so be it, Mike.

At least I can relate, Mike. You're the everyman. A White Superman!

Mike, let me tell you this. I might grow up to be 6'9", but I'm not going to be 6'11". I like Troy Murphy a lot (he's my second favourite player), but i'll never be Troy Murphy. He smiles too much anyways.

Mike, I cannot express how important this is. There's No One Else!

Mike Miller and Kyle Korver look like women, Mike. Mike, I bet they put on make up before their interviews.

Mike, if you don't get healthy I'm throwing my Pacers jersey in the garbage and buying a New Orleans Hornets Jersey and rubbing my face in an ashtray.

Peja's a better three-point shooter anyways, and as I've said my jumpers sweet as sugar.

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