The Sean Avery Sloppy Seconds Conspiracy Theory

Tim ParentSenior Writer IDecember 3, 2008


Alright kids, time to strap on the ol' tinfoil hat as we explore this whole Sean Avery sloppy seconds affair.

Let's begin...

First off, if any guy denies ever uttering the words "sloppy seconds," he's lying only because he probably yelled it out during some frat party in order to mock a buddy or said it while drunk at the office Christmas party. 

It's a derogatory term, sure, but when you got a bunch of guys in a room (re: locker room), you can bet somewhere in the topic of conversation, the term "sloppy seconds" has come up. "Douche-bag" is another term that has likely been sprinkled in to the same conversation.

Shakespeare they are not.

It's fair to say Avery had probably used those words behind closed doors prior to announcing to the world his less-than-erudite observation about his former girlfriend.

It's even more likely that someone who doesn't particularly enjoy the company of Avery (re: the NHL and every person affiliated with it), probably heard him speak rather poorly of his former girlfriend, Elisha Cuthbert, and her current relationship with Dion Phaneuf of the Calgary Flames; covertly spilled the beans to the burly defenseman.

If Mr. Phaneuf is a gentleman, he would likely want to defend the honor of Ms. Cuthbert.  I presume it started with a phone call that went something like this:


DP: Avery, it's Dion.

SA: Hey, man, how's it going?  Enjoying the sloppy seconds?

DP: You should probably stop saying that.

SA: Why's that, tough guy?  Sloppy seconds!  Sloppy seconds! HA!

DPI'm bigger than you Avery. 

SAOOOhhh, I'm scared! 

DPYou should be.  You boys are in Calgary on Tuesday.  Keep your head up.


Or something to that effect.

But maybe, just maybe, Avery WAS scared. He may be a blowhard, but you have to assume that as the Stars boarded the plane to Calgary, he realized he'd crossed a line with Phaneuf, who was willing to take the game misconduct if it meant smearing Avery's pretty-boy face in to the boards at the Saddledome.

Not too many people would be upset with that, especially Ms. Cuthbert, who would witness her man protecting her B-list movie star status.  It would be a win-win for Phaneuf.

Also, Avery has been known to irk Jerome Iginla, captain of the Flames, so you can bet Iginla would be willing to drop the gloves.

That was probably a long flight for Avery, the wheels in his head turning faster than the jet engines zooming the team to Calgary, and his eyes darting through the NHL rule book looking for something that would keep him out of the game.

In the end, he came up with the perfect solution that would allow him to keep his face intact, ensuring another summer internship at Vogue magazine.

Spout off to the media.

It was a move brilliant in its simplicity. When doesn't Avery do something that catches the attention of hockey reporters across North America?

So, instead of keeping the "sloppy seconds" talk behind closed doors, he brought it out in front of the cameras for all the world to hear, knowing that he'd get in trouble for seeking out the media. 

It's alarming how fast NHL commissioner Gary Bettman moved on a suspension. However, Bettman was probably thinking he, too, didn't want to see an Avery bloodbath. It doesn't look good for the league.

In the end, Phaneuf lost his chance to destroy Avery, and Avery got time off to work on his screenplay for New Line Cinema about his penchant for men's fashion. 

Maybe someone should let Avery know that tinfoil hats are all the rage these days.




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