Usually in this space, I do a segment called "The Random Awards," in which I give out aimless accolades to members of the NFL. I am fed up with these players/coaches/teams/mascots never accepting the awards I so selflessly hand out, so this week, I am scrapping the ceremony.
Usually on Sundays, I take incessant notes on a legal pad, so this week, I am going to share them with you. Now, these are edited, primarily because A) I forget what things like "TonY Romo WTFDYUGHLT?" mean and B) 45 percent of the notes are me complaining about my hunger. And you don't want to hear that. Unless you do!
Brendan's Week 4 Thoughts
- Ed Reed is really terrifying. The Redd Foxx lookalike stripped Mark Sanchez on the first Jets play of the Sunday night game, then proceeded to walk around the field like Floyd Mayweather defeating CM Punk. Really, it was scary, and I thought that I was somehow in jeopardy.
- Aaron Rodgers and his six touchdowns must have ripped the throats out of millions of opposing fantasy owners. Of course, I don't play fantasy football, so this may just be an assumption.
- Calvin Johnson's "Megatron" = Matt Ryan's "Matty Ice." These guys have real names, remember?
- Hysterical laughter led to deafening silence when Andre Johnson tripped over the turf and possibly destroyed his knee.
- Ben Roethlisberger is literally in a walking boot about 65 percent of the time, so I am not too worried.
- How is Christian Ponder a viable replacement for Donovan McNabb?
- Sunday Night Football's Peter King said that Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck's one-handed catch Saturday night, according to one NFL executive, "Furthers him from the pack". Just...how? There is a reason why that executive has to be in the running for the No. 1 pick, because he believes pass-catching is a tangible quarterbacking skill.
- I tried to stray away from "The Random Awards" this week, but Colt McCoy's 61 attempts in a 13-point performance (and loss) easily wins him the Dan Fouts Award.
- Those pink hats are ugly.
- The Houston Texans should have won 96-10, if not for absurdly idiotic penalties. I hate everything.
- As I tweeted yesterday, how do the Steelers have a backup offensive line? That implies that there are linemen worse than the Scott/Legursky abortion.
- MATT CASSEL VS. SCOTT HALEY BATTLE ROYALE! But who cares?
- Chris Johnson broke 100 yards Sunday, damning the legions of fantasy owners who thought it would be smart to "sell low." Looks like he'll be fine. Shocker.
- The Marion Barber "backflip" was glorious.
- There have been 2,875 points so far this season (not including Monday Night Football). THE LOCKOUT WILL BE THE DEATH OF ALL OFFENSE!—Every Sports Columnist, July.
- Arrested Development is coming back! I haven't been this happy in ever.
- Dan Dierdorf, despite all his flaws and egregious defects, is still better than Phil Simms. My dad and I determined Dierdorf is just football's Tim McCarver: blatant, obvious, nostalgic about things that are stupid and proven to be outright wrong. Simms is his own anomaly, a pompous ass who defends ridiculous things and will be damned if he's wrong. We can't win, America.
- Andy Dalton plays quarterback somewhat competently.
- Cedric Benson had 104 yards Saturday, after being in jail last month. Our Personal Conduct Policy, everyone!
- I saw Buffalo head coach Chan Gailey for the first time, and he just looks sad.
- Alex Smith is Leonardo DiCaprio and Jim Harbaugh is Martin Scorsese, right Dylan MacNamara?
- Tony Romo back-to-back pick-six. Niceeee.
- The New York Giants will get every call in the University of Phoenix Stadium, right David Tyree/Victor Cruz?
Well, those were my thoughts. I would take a bath too.